tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-146321732024-03-12T20:50:06.679-07:00DC Gays of Our LivesMisadventures and random thoughts of One Gay Young Professional in DC.... It's the hotness.Benjihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08515468236311846130noreply@blogger.comBlogger365125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14632173.post-38488795749787778472010-10-06T08:23:00.000-07:002010-10-08T14:02:00.206-07:00Lemme fast forward for you or.... aren't you precious....So, I've been mulling over the joys and follies of the psyche of gay men and it occurred to me, it would behoove me in my infinite and omni-media, almost Oprah Legends Ball style awesomeness for me to sit y'all pretty ladies down and have a talk with you about gay life.... and where you fit in.<br /><br />Dear Twink, Yes we get it, you're gayer than a glitter covered disco ball at gay pride, you couldn't be more proud and refer to EVERYONE as "Girl" and everything is "Fabulous" and your role models include Lady Gaga and, judging from your bodies, starving un-exercised children in eastern Europe. Let me tell you a little something.... reel it back in. Fast forward about ten years and you're still wearing body glitter and rainbow jewelery, that doesn't say pride.... that says substance abuse and K addiction. We're all proud of you finding out who you are and nobody's trying to put you in a hetero-normative box nor tell you how to express yourself.... wait I take that back I am telling you how to express yourself. So go out, find a J. Crew, talk to the lovely and attractive sales associate, and get yourself a V-neck cotton blend sweater my dear, cuz you're "I can't even think straight T-shirt"?.....got's to go. oh and btw eat a bagel, they're delicious.<br /><br />Dear Bitchy Queen, yes yes, I see your eyes judging me when I go to the grocery in sweatpants and a t-shirt from 1997. No I don't wear prada (fill in the blank) when I go out, and I'm not up to speed on Mark Jacobs new line or don't have the latest ummmm neck chains??? But if there's one thing I've always found about you is that your job will consist of an executive/admin assistant, low level aide, or some other ungodly job that requires little to no skill because let's face it, you've spent all your formative years memorizing the latest vogue instead of developing any kind of marketable skill except the uncanny ability to spot a Louis Vuitton knockoff from 30 paces. So let's fast forward down the road in ten years when you're up to your ass in debt from repeatedly buying this seasons gucci loafers, and having cocktails at some lounge with your equally tragic friends talking about me in my sweatpants at the grocery and how dreadful it is..... Lemme tell you what's dreadful my dears...... renting and not owning in your late 30's...... think about it.<br /><br />Dear Muscle Queen, yes yes, I can see your abs from space and you can crush oreos in between your steroid laden pecs. I'm sure that you look wonderful when you're peeling off your abercrombie and fitch muscle tees and look wonderful whilst doing ummmm lat pulldowns or whatever but let me tell you something.... let's fast forward 10 years when instead of pecs your muscle has turned to fat and your chest looks more like my grandmothers than an adonis and your testicles have shriveled up from too much steroid use and your once virile man parts are now sad reminders of orgies gone by. Let me say something, in this day and age fit is great, fit is fun, and a washboard stomach is next to godliness, but let's draw the line because I don't want to sleep with a guy whose only addition to the conversation is the latest protein shake recipe he's just found or 101 ways to really make your triceps pop.......<br /><br />So I've hit on several of the major gay subgroups in our fair city... where status is measured in proximity to power, not proximity to Gucci, where a mans worth is measured in the contents of his contact list, not on what's on his feet. So take note gays, in DC nobody cares who you're wearing.... just who you know and what you do so if you want to succeed as an A-list gay in DC.... be smart, not slutty..... ok just a little....Benjihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08515468236311846130noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14632173.post-66283533194157163432010-09-17T06:42:00.000-07:002010-09-17T08:58:18.582-07:00Friday Five - Lessons for my Unborn SonSo, yes, I admit I'm riding the coattails of <a href="http://rulesformyunbornson.tumblr.com/">this wonderful blog</a>, but I do think that it lacks a certain je ne sais quoi, a certain pizzaz, a certain sparkle that only yours truly can offer. Now let's face facts, the chances of me having children are the same as my showing up to a dinner party and not having a cocktail so I think I'll entitle my rules my 5 rules for the new gayling, the just out, dewey and fresh faced gay who is entering into a world of glitter.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Rule Number 1: Always walk into the gay bar like you own the place. </span>Whenever you walk into a gay establishment, you will be sized up by 95% of the queens in said establishment within the first 10 seconds. Walking in with your shoulders slouched and looking scared, establishes your place in the gay pecking order at said bar at somewhere below the towel guy in the bathroom. When you walk into a bar, don't act like a bitchy queen, but establish your presence early on and don't act like it's your first day of school and you're trying to make new friends, you've entered the lions den and if you show weaknes.... you're going to get cut up like sushi in tokyo.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Rule Number 2: At some point in your life do Drag, and do it well</span>. I realize that some of you new gaylings are so "straight acting" you're but an angels breath away from planting your face in a plate full of lady parts but there's nothing that puts your life into a "you know, life just isn't that serious" place than putting on a floor length glitter gown, teasing out a wig (the higher the hair, the closer to jesus) strapping on a pair of gravity defying stilettos and doing up your makeup. Also, for those that think they're too masculine for these and would rather put on their favorite muscle tees and camo pants..... it takes much bigger balls to be a man in a dress and makeup than it does to be a man in a suit..... just saying.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Rule Number 3: Make Friends With the Weird Kid</span>, one of the pitfalls of any group of people, and this is just as true in the gay world, is that everyone wants to fit in. Groups of friends will tend toward the same designers, get comparable haircuts, and will make sure that nobody rocks the boat so to speak. So if you're at a party and you see the kid that's wearing an oversized brooch and neon kicks.... go over and introduce yourself, surrounding yourself with people that aren't afraid to express themselves and try something new will prompt you to do the same, and trust me it's a lot more fun that way..... Plus.... odds are the weird ones are the ones with the best ideas and it's more likely than not that one day they'll be the rich ones, and mommy loves her a rich friend with a guest house.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Rule Number 4: You are not as interesting as you think you are, especially after your 3rd cocktail.</span> Now my little darlings, there are times in life when you are at a party and you're looking fierce, your stomach's flat, and your hair is did right. You've had one, two, and are on your third obviously low cal cocktail (vodka and soda) and you think the things that are coming out of your mouth are like gems that people around your are clamoring for..... yeah I'm gonna go ahead and say probably not. At parties or social events it's great to participate but not to dominate, being overbearing in any conversation will only garner you one reputation.... uninteresting blowhard. Besides, if you're the only one talking how are you going to let that cute guy in the corner, no not that one, the one in the green with the arms, get a word in edgewise to ask you if you'd like to step out on the veranda to gaze at the stars?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Rule Number 5: A bitchy queen ends getting a bitchy slap upside her head.</span> Don't be that guy that curls his top lip up when someone enters the room that he doesn't think meets his standard of excellence. This especially applies to treating your front desk lady, your secretary, bar staff, ESPECIALLY bar staff, and anyone else in the service industry. For the first two you must ask them at least 3 times a week how their day was how their weekend was and how their family is, because let me just say that Ms. Paulette at the front desk doesn't have to let you know that your new shipment from Gilt.com just came in and Ms. Leondra who is your office secretary can just "forget" that an important fax came in for you. Nobody likes a bitchy queen except for other bitchy queens and just because you think your frosted tips and white faux leather belt are the jam.... trust momma..... the only thing a bitchy queen ends up getting is a bitchy slap upside the head.....Benjihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08515468236311846130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14632173.post-47058153343652563852010-09-15T07:28:00.000-07:002010-09-15T10:05:51.270-07:00Father Time... Stop Punching me in the Face!!!!!!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_DToSbLArrPQ/TJD850JVYOI/AAAAAAAAAEo/TmUaHOOg2QM/s1600/carmen_narrowweb__300x440,0.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 218px; height: 320px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_DToSbLArrPQ/TJD850JVYOI/AAAAAAAAAEo/TmUaHOOg2QM/s320/carmen_narrowweb__300x440,0.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5517187613709394146" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><br />Hello my duckies.... so I've recently been thinking about time, and how quickly it seems to be passing. Now this is not some maudlin hand to forehead "where is the time going and woe is me" kind of post. It's more the.... "ummm what the hell happened and where did all the payphones go" kind of post. So just in case you, like me, are not a girl and not yet a woman you're wondering when the following things happened since you're in your mid-late twenties or early 30's and still wax sentimental for a simpler time, a more Jem she's so outrageous, Captain Planet and the Planeteers time......<br /><br />Long ago I promised myself I would not turn into one of those comb over having, abercrombie wearing, hollister having, men in their 30's that was desperately trying to recapture the sad remnants of a youth that they spent basically on their backs with their heels to jesus or in the closet. I thought that like my life up till now I would transition into full on adult in a graceful and elegant fashion.... and then I thought, you know, I used to be what I would consider a pretty good diver.... why don't I try that out again, not to mention I haven't been off a diving board much less platform in over a decade. Let's just say a couple of things, 28 year old bodies are not meant to put up with the strain that 18 year old bodies are. After one practice even my eye lashes hurt. Now I would just like to say that I'm not giving up but I'll be damned if I will be doing said diving in any location other than one in which I am very certain I will not be seen by ANYONE I know. <br /><br />I WILL say however I now own no Abercrombie, Hollister, or American Eagle ANYTHING. and if you're over 25 and you do.... well honey we need to have a come to jesus don't we?<br /><br />I also thought that as I got older I wouldn't let the worries and trappings of the common folk enter into my royal and exalted head. I wouldn't be constantly worried about things like bills, or the future, or any grown up things that seem to have caused many a wrinkle in the foreheads of my parents or other "grownups." That my existence would pretty much be maintained at all times in the currency of lovely cocktails and fabulous events. Annnnd then I realized, not even this morning that the majority of the conversations I've had in the past 24 hours with my friends have centered around savings accounts, retirement plans, stock portfolios and mortgages. Just thinking about that made me want to recreate a time when I was living in England abroad and myself and one of my best friends would go to Harrods, and we'd walk into.... say.... the louis vuitton section, and I'd be holding something lovely and inspecting it and the following conversation would ensue....<br /><br />Friend: "I bet you won't buy that"<br />Me: "Don't be ridiculous, I don't need another wallet, not to mention this bag"<br />Friend: "You totally just won't buy that, what a tool"<br />Me: "OMG stop being a dick, I could totally buy it if I wanted"<br />Friend: "Liar"<br />Me: "I'll show you, I'll buy the wallet and bag and have them monogrammed....jerk. now let's get a drink, shopping makes me parched for a martini."<br /><br />This exchange would be quickly followed by an angry call from mumsy and daddykins on why I thought I needed to spend $2300.00 at Louis Vuitton in an hour, but once I explained that with the exchange rate it was much cheaper than buying in the states....well it didn't make them less mad but it bought me a little more time.<br /><br />So I guess the lesson of the story my dear duckies is in the enjoyment of the things and abilities that we have available to us at the present time. Sure I won't be able to do the dives and gymnastic feats I once could, but having found yoga I am now able to bend in ways that would make having a significant other obsolete, and yes now I worry about my savings account, mortgage, and retirement funds but also I am happily no longer eating naught but velveeta shells and cheese 5 nights a week and drinking naught but two buck chuck and Diplomat Vodka. So I'll take age.... as long as it comes with the promise of the three C's.... Cocktails, Cocktail Rings, and Cashmere.Benjihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08515468236311846130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14632173.post-24098039816079827422010-09-13T06:35:00.000-07:002010-09-13T07:38:25.821-07:00Facebook Etiquette, Manners in the Modern AgeHello again duckies. If you're like me (and let's face it, if you were your life would be a lot more sparkly) you spend a lot of your free time on Facebook. Like it or not facebook has become one of the foremost social networking sites of the land, and a wonderful way to keep tabs on ex's, the mean girl in HS, and whomever else that you enjoy having documented proof of that they're either morbidly obese, working at a gas station, or "blessed" with now their fourth or fifth child.... P.S. by blessed I mean awfully tied down.<br /><br />I would be remiss as the current Duchess of Protocol if I didn't lay down some rules so that we can move forward with this new fangled technology with an air of decorum and propriety.... so grab your cocktails, pick out some elbow length gloves, and gather your hoop-skirts ladies cuz here's some knowledge!!!!<br /><br />Let's start out with the pictures you post.....now I'm sure that while you were getting drunk at a bar on a Wednesday and thought taking pictures was a fantastic idea, I would think twice before putting said pictures on your facebook. As funny as those pictures seem to you, to everyone else on the interwebs you look like a mess, an awful embarrassing drunken mess. Also, if you're out of college, the drunken blackout pictures are just a sad sad sad attempt at you trying to reclaim your youth. Now this is not to say if you're out and about at a party or event and you take funny pictures those aren't appropriate, I would just say please tread the line carefully duckies between entertainingly tipsy and ridiculously trashy.<br /><br />Accepting/Giving a friend request. let's face some hard truths....you're not as popular as you think you are.... and you're not as memorable, so to the person that you may have said hello to as an acquaintance of a friend of a neighbor, don't request to be their friend. Unless you know their first and last name, and can recall at least 4 instances wherein you've had a conversation please don't assume that your presence is so sought after that someone else will be in the awkward position of saying to themselves.... who the crap is this fool?? And on the flipside, if someone requests to be your friend and you can't remember at least 4 instances where you've had a conversant instance.... don't accept.<br /><br />Wall Posts - everyone likes an update, and what is facebook if not a forum where you can let other people know the goings-on of your head but here are a couple of tips for you when engaging in said wall postings. A). Nobody wants to know about how much you love your (girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband etc.) the only thing a posting like that will accomplish is to put me off my tea, and no this is not coming from a place of bitter loneliness, just a place of haughty propriety and manners. B). Don't engage in arguments via wall postings, having an argument in such an open forum just begs to be broadcast and you won't come out smelling like roses, trust our royal highness. C). Stay klassy ladies... .stay klassy.<br /><br />Now this is obviously an incomplete list, but should start you well on your way to becoming classy lady of the new century!Benjihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08515468236311846130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14632173.post-17154783655896886462010-09-10T06:18:00.001-07:002010-09-10T06:59:38.444-07:00Friday Five - Five Gay Bumper Stickers and what they say about youHello my darling duckies, I've been noodling over what bumper sticker to put on momma's new car... and then I got to thinking.... well what does a bumper sticker say about the owner of said vehicle because as a shining paragon of glitter and style to the residents of DC I can't just slap my royal endorsement on just any organization!!!!!! So here are 5 bumper stickers that are prevalent in DC and what they say about their owners.....<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">1). HRC</span><a style="font-weight: bold;" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_DToSbLArrPQ/TIoxUS6xgEI/AAAAAAAAAEA/7e7PBNk0jtQ/s1600/HRC-Equals-Sign.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 288px; height: 275px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_DToSbLArrPQ/TIoxUS6xgEI/AAAAAAAAAEA/7e7PBNk0jtQ/s320/HRC-Equals-Sign.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5515274918414090306" border="0" /></a>- I respect the mission of the HRC, I rahhhhly do, but let's face facts if you're putting this sticker on your car you're saying a couple of things A). I'm whiter than an albino child dipped in flour with some cash to burn B). I love going to a ball - HRC dinner HELLO! and C). I really like being able to tell my heterosexual friends, that's right, I'm politically active but still definitely straight acting *barf*<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_DToSbLArrPQ/TIozBTubFEI/AAAAAAAAAEI/Rqv-ohy6J40/s1600/smile-if-youre-gay-278.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 210px; height: 210px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_DToSbLArrPQ/TIozBTubFEI/AAAAAAAAAEI/Rqv-ohy6J40/s320/smile-if-youre-gay-278.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5515276791236465730" border="0" /></a> <span style="font-weight: bold;">2. Anything with a rainbow</span> - Now this says one thing and pretty much one thing only.... I came out within the last 6 months to a year and I need EVERYBODY and their mother to know I'm gay. I will be attending EVERY gay rally and will be wearing a mesh tank top and body glitter as much as humanly possible and will be giving people dirty looks left right and sideways should they stare at me with wonder and interest, even if I will walk around looking like I've just had a major neurological event...... or it means you're a lesbadina.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_DToSbLArrPQ/TIo0p3CY3xI/AAAAAAAAAEQ/gFAAg2HXtsk/s1600/pflagt.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 225px; height: 225px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_DToSbLArrPQ/TIo0p3CY3xI/AAAAAAAAAEQ/gFAAg2HXtsk/s320/pflagt.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5515278587421843218" border="0" /></a><span style="font-weight: bold;">3). PFLAG</span> - I'm going to go ahead and say if you have a PFLAG sticker on your car you are of the heterosexual persuasion (God bless your heart) and are supportive of my people and their striving for the god given rights of beautiful jewels and cocktails for all!!!!! However, if you have this sticker on your car let me just make a prediction, if you are ever blessed with the miracle (curse) known as children, this sticker means you will know more about gay bars then your gay child, and his/her ultimate source of embarassment will come from when you sit his/her friends down over dinner to explain the difference between a dildo and a dong. OH, and there is a difference if my experience talking to hookers is any indication.<br /><br /><br /><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_DToSbLArrPQ/TIo2Pqd8q1I/AAAAAAAAAEY/Y0-Jtue_XIw/s1600/OBX.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 290px; height: 186px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_DToSbLArrPQ/TIo2Pqd8q1I/AAAAAAAAAEY/Y0-Jtue_XIw/s320/OBX.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5515280336394431314" border="0" /></a><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">4). Stickers that look like this</span> - you. are. a. tool.<br /><br />No, nobody thinks it's cool that you have an abbreviation that doesn't make any sense unless you're "in the know". No I don't care that you think you're in some sort of secret club with this sticker. Please remove, it hurts my good taste.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">5). Free Tibet</span><a style="font-weight: bold;" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_DToSbLArrPQ/TIo4Re6DUAI/AAAAAAAAAEg/Km4gvRo5cWA/s1600/Tibet.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 225px; height: 225px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_DToSbLArrPQ/TIo4Re6DUAI/AAAAAAAAAEg/Km4gvRo5cWA/s320/Tibet.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5515282566674075650" border="0" /></a>- Now if we were to have a conversation it would go something like this... "Nice sticker, which small liberal arts school in New England did you go to and at what candlelight vigil when you were decrying the US presence in (name conflict area) and listening to "spoken word art" did you get this sticker???? Now I would like to say that I would expect to see this car on the back of an SUV that a wannabee hippy has on his car to make sure that everyone knows that just because he accepted this car from his stockbroker father does NOT mean that he's stopped caring for the plight of oppressed nations.<br /><br /><br /><br />So think my dear duckies.... what does your bumper sticker say about you? because everybody's watching :).Benjihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08515468236311846130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14632173.post-58944942951129132672010-09-09T06:30:00.000-07:002010-09-09T07:42:12.070-07:00Fenty vs. Gray down to the wireSo once again my duckies, we're embroiled in a much heated debate on whom will run our fair city. Now honestly if I had my way we'd all make the informed decision and write in the homeless guy on the corner that holds the sign that reads "I'm going to be honest, I want money to buy beer".... now that's a politician I can trust!!!! However, Jerome from down the street hasn't had the forebearance to run so we must choose between Adrian Fenty and Vincent Gray.... But I wonder my little duckies.... do you know where each candidate stands on issues that affect the <span style="font-weight: bold;">Duchy of Cocktails</span> also known as <span style="font-weight: bold;">Gay DC</span>? Well if you don't then take a seat little duckies and let me drop a whole lot of wisdom on your teeny little heads.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Issue 1: Appearance.</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Let me issue you exhibit A.</span><br /><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_DToSbLArrPQ/TIjkjQCcyoI/AAAAAAAAADw/AOBBEqVRHyo/s1600/Fenty.jpg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 300px; height: 197px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_DToSbLArrPQ/TIjkjQCcyoI/AAAAAAAAADw/AOBBEqVRHyo/s320/Fenty.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5514909037966969474" border="0" /></a>This would be our current mayor. I don't about yall but I enjoy the fact that my leader has better abs than most of his constituents. I know that in a mayor I want an individual that leads by example.... with his abs.... and his arms......and his.... well let's just say that the lycra doesn't do much to hide his executive power......<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">And now exhibit B. </span> <a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_DToSbLArrPQ/TIjl5H6RmxI/AAAAAAAAAD4/NA85GzHZr5U/s1600/gray.jpeg"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 201px; height: 300px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_DToSbLArrPQ/TIjl5H6RmxI/AAAAAAAAAD4/NA85GzHZr5U/s320/gray.jpeg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5514910513253948178" border="0" /></a> Now Vince Gray, you would be so much better served by either wearing a well fitting dress shirt or not tucking your polo into your pants.... hello!!! creating man boobs and a spare tire much???? Also we're going to have to work on your child molester smile and mustache that I can only assume covers your hairlip.... ew.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Issue 2. Liquor Taxes </span>- Now we have heard an upsetting rumor from our "friends" to the commonwealth to the south..... that their governor wants to<a href="http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/09/03/AR2010090306128.html"> increase the prices of alcohol</a> served in restaurants in bars. Now let me just say that when I heard that I had to break out my fan and start fanning away the vapors of disgust I felt at such an idea. I'm sorry but taxing the gays alcohol is like taxing pleated khakis for straight men.... it's a hate crime (PS, pleated khakis? straighties? let's discuss).<br /><br />Now while neither candidate has blatantly said anything about this issue let's infer from some past decisions<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Fenty-</span> Kept bars and restaurants in Adams Morgan open for 24 hours during the inauguration festivities. Now to me that just says this is an elected leader who knows how a good cocktail can bring people together, bridge the divide between thirst and fun, and allow people from all creeds, races and backgrounds sit back and say.... "you know that fifth shot was probably a bad idea but at 2 bucks a pop I can't really say no"<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Gray -</span> That man looks like he could use a drink.... just sayin.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Issue 3. Gay Marriage</span><br /><br />This my darlings is a non-issue. Fenty signed the marriage bill and Gray unanimously supports it. This is a smart move because I've said it before and I'll say it again, you can't swing a dead cat in this city without hitting a homosexual and if these candidates want to get anywhere they're going to need the support of the gay vote. Plus you know those two are just salivating at the amount of money some queens are going to throw into the local economy once flowers are bought, venues rented, doves acquired, booze taken care of, floor length vera wang dresses and tiaras are fitted....... oh wait.... maybe that's just me..... moving on.<br /><br /><br /><br />In any event my dears, I think it will take a lot more than a Vincent Gray or an Adrian Fenty to decimate the District.... hell we had a mayor that was convicted of crack abuse and then we re-elected him!!!! <br /><br />But my question to you my dear reader, is what are the gay issues that you want to see our next mayor address????Benjihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08515468236311846130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14632173.post-43618363450026318022010-09-03T06:04:00.000-07:002010-09-03T07:51:44.612-07:00Friday Five - Rules for Working on Your Fitness<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_DToSbLArrPQ/TID5Edf2sjI/AAAAAAAAADo/1vEG3r4JMkE/s1600/6581-000241.jpg"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 317px; height: 320px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_DToSbLArrPQ/TID5Edf2sjI/AAAAAAAAADo/1vEG3r4JMkE/s320/6581-000241.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5512679798934516274" border="0" /></a><br />Hey Ladies... it's the last long weekend of the summer, and there's no time like the present to break out your little mankini and try to catch some rays before the first tickle of autumns wind on the back of your neck forces you into an array of lovely V-neck merino sweaters and bomber jackets and maybe a light accent scarf and a jaunty hat...... where was I again?? OH YES, summer.<br /><br />In any event, if you're a run of the mill homosexual like yours truly, for the past 3 months you've been living on a diet of ice cubes, protein bars, and crunches for fear of gay shame at ye olde pool party or god forbid on the gay beach at Rehomo.... and judging by this years showing at said gay beach it turns out I probably could have been eating naught but fudge and drinking naught but yoohoo all year long and still have looked more presentable than 95% of those messes.<br /><br />ANYWHO, all that exercise means one thing... gym. Now to the average homosexual the gym is tantamount to a place of worship, you're judged on which gym you belong to and how often you attend. There are strict rituals and an established pecking order. On this Friday I've decided to share 5 rules that one should follow to successfully navigating your local gay gym.<br /><br />1). While you may want to go out and buy the newest tennis shoes, get the Louis Vuitton gym bag, and Gucci headband....... spend that money on a personal training session. Let's face facts, at the gay gym it's not about how you look with your clothes on, it's free advertising to show future ex boyfriends what you are going to look like with your clothes off.<br /><br />2). See that guy with the huge muscles and veins bulging doing that exercise that looks new and innovative that you're sure if you do you'll look like him??? Yeah don't do that. You will only succeed in doing two things, hurting yourself and making yourself look stupid. Stick to the basics or ask one of the lovely personal trainers who, while they can't do long division, can tell you the merits of any new exercise you've discovered.<br /><br />3). While you whilst be tempted by the nakedness in the locker room, try your best to avert your eyes. While we all strive to be the model of physical perfection that garners the stares that come from years of constant exercising and not eating, nobody likes Chester the Molester so stop staring and drooling.<br /><br />4). You know what, there is absolutely no need to make noises like you're trying to pass history's largest poop when you lift weights. I understand, weights are heavy, really I do, but if they're that heavy that everyone around you is just waiting for your rectum to rupture maybe you should back off a little... not a sermon, just a thought.<br /><br />5). The most important thing to remember at the gym is, don't take yourself too seriously. Yes you may belong to the most exclusive gay gym that is such a paragon of superficial gayness you come out of the gym shaking the glitter off your head, but it is at the end of the day a gym with one purpose, to help you get in shape. So wear your shorts from high school, cut the sleeves off of your old t-shirts, get that water bottle out you got from your company picnic and get your ass to the gym because one of the most important things about the gay community.... fatties are icky.Benjihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08515468236311846130noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14632173.post-43505340204344267032010-09-02T07:19:00.000-07:002010-09-02T08:15:53.300-07:00Lessons Learned... Rehoboth Beach 2010Hello my lovelies, I know it's been a while since I posted but things have just been cuhraaaazy in momma's life!!! There's been housewives to watch, weight to lose, and boyfriends to steal and in all that whirlwind of gayness and glitter I've had nary a moment to sit down and tip tap away my manicured nails to fill you in on the inner workings of my coiffed existence!!!<br /><br />But for realsies.... let me tell you about my lovely vacation to Rehomo, where good taste goes to die.<br /><br />Now for starters, if you have yet to go to Rehomo and are from DC, don't be fooled. This is not the riviera, nor is it the hamptons, or even South beach. Expect a couple of things to happen, fat white people, sunburned fat white people, gay men from Pennsylvania or New Jersey who think that wearing purple bloomers and frosted tips is "in" and the smell of Tropicana suntan oil mixed with the faint hint of ciggarettes and shame.<br /><br />Anyways, I've obviously been making yearly pilgrimages since I was 5. I'm also pretty convinced that my sister was conceived there but that's another psychiatric session inducing story.<br /><br />So I went this past year and let me tell you some of the gems of wisdom that I picked up.....<br /><br />1-Rides are not the same when you're in your 20's as they are when you are 6. The gravitron for instance, a machine that spins you around like a salad spinner making you stick to the wall for the duration of said ride..... I believe my comment to my fellow 20 something when we were both on the ride was, "I think this is what hell feels like"<br />however the boat ship thing that swings side to side is in fact the same and still just as awesome.<br /><br />2-You in fact CAN eat too much grotto pizza.... ow my stomach.... ow my pride.<br /><br />3-Speedos are a privilege, not a right. I in fact do don the teeny weeny mankini in the summer but as someone with the weight of an adolescent girl and the fact that I am in fact A SWIMMER, I think I'm ok in wearing one. However I would like to point out that when your friends tell you it's time for you to stop.... it's time.<br /><br />4-sometimes you wake up in the morning, roll over, and take a big sip of what you think is water next to your bed.... and sometimes it's straight up vodka.<br /><br />5-All Political correctness goes right out the door at the beach..... as was evident by a lady asking my sister if she was asian because she had "chinky eyes"..... awesome.Benjihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08515468236311846130noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14632173.post-32539852750193021112010-02-12T07:56:00.001-08:002010-02-12T07:56:20.423-08:00Winter Olympics - A Prospective<meta content="text/html; charset=utf-8" http-equiv="Content-Type"></meta><meta content="Word.Document" name="ProgId"></meta><meta content="Microsoft Word 11" name="Generator"></meta><meta content="Microsoft Word 11" name="Originator"></meta><link href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5CTakaiB%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml" rel="File-List"></link><o:smarttagtype name="country-region" namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags"></o:smarttagtype><o:smarttagtype name="place" namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags"></o:smarttagtype><style>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Now what could be more fitting after digging our royal selves out of the Snownami followed by Snowpacolypse followed by what I can only describe as the DC version of “the shining” where cabin fever made me go a little bit banana sandwich. Now just some things about that</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>1).</b> One day I watched literally 12 hours of television and all bad daytime tv…. 7am-9am (The Nanny) 9am-11am (Golden Girls) 11am – noon (Will and Grace) Noon-5 (Roseanne) 5-7 (golden girls) I still can’t decide if I’m proud or ashamed of that…. I’m going to say I’m prashamed. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>2).</b> You know you’re gay when you’re willing to walk 2 miles in slush and snow just to go to the gym.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>ANYWAYS – so on to the more important topic…. The impending Winter Olympics</b></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">First of all… blah blah blah skiing, blah blah blah curling, blah blah blah luge. Good now that my recap of all the non important sports is out of the way we can focus on the true issue….. FIGURE SKATING!!!!!!</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">The gays they love the figure skating, there’s drama, there’s dancing…. There’s sequined jumpsuits with matching skate covers…. It’s a gay old dream! And this year at the winter Olympics we shan’t be disappointed. Let’s review the highlights of the <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">US</st1:place></st1:country-region> Olympic team shall we???</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Johnny Weir - Johnny “Queer” makes my little gay heart soar because let’s face it chickens, when you were a young queerling there is pretty much nothing more you wanted than to get up, meet with your trainer while you were wearing your dancing tights, then go for a quick drive with your agent on the way to film your music video while you read a people magazine, drink diet coke and view the world through Louis Vuitton shades ……. It amuses me that little Johnny still maintains his “privacy regarding his sexuality”, Honey darling, you call yourself princess, list one of your idols as Christina Aguilera, and have your own clothing line in <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:country-region w:st="on">Korea</st1:country-region></st1:place>, you’re not only gay, you’re REGINA GEORGE!!!</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Evan Lysacek – hmmmm 6’2” dark Italian features and can move to a rhythm? Um yes please. Judging from his ill fitting “pirate sleeves” costumes and costumes resembling a tuxedo I’m going to go ahead and say that he does not carry the flame of sisterhood like our lady Ms. Johnny. That being said he’s in a world of sequins and hairspray so either he’s gonna have a “misunderstanding” one night after too many tequila shots a la Cutting Edge (TOE PICK) or he’s going to be the most oversexed straight man to hit ice skating since……that other straight one…you know…. The one in the 50’s?..... oh wait… that was skiing…nevermind.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Jeremy Abbott- you aren’t interesting and I don’t care about you. However if you do either fall on your butt numerous times I will make sure to watch.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Mirai Nagasu – OOOH gurl, now, as someone who is a frail cherry blossom herself, I gotta back up my Japanese sister…. You’re looking at a queen whose grandparents kept a scrapbook of Kristi Yamaguchi’s newspaper articles. She’s young, she’s Japanese, and she can bend in ways that would make Cirque Du Soleil proud. She is picking up the torch that Michelle Kwan so horribly dropped… let’s face it, Asians do figure skating….. it’s ginsu on her feet bi*ches!!!!</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Rachel Flatt – Well let’s face it, you’re not the asian darling of millions like my girl Mirai. And I swear if you <st1:place w:st="on">tara</st1:place> Lipinski a medal away from her I swear I will rain the fury of a thousand bitchy queens upon you!!!! That being said good luck honey, oh, and black is slimming…. Remember that…… I wonder if she ever got called Rachel Fatt….</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">Happy Friday everyone, let’s hope for an Olympics full of heart wrenching montages, nail biting jump combinations, and enough lycra to outfit an entire circuit party~!!!</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14632173.post-67729080624557131322010-02-04T10:02:00.000-08:002010-02-04T10:02:33.554-08:00Thursday….. it’s time for a Haiku how can you resist!!!<div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
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</span></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Hello Chickens, hope you’re all having a fabulous week full of things like espresso colonics and weekend facelifts. Momma’s been uber busy with things like getting those pesky last two ribs removed and trying to find a way to take all my meals in pill form so I don’t mess up my lovely new veneers. However, as I was sitting in the doctors office while he was saying annoying things like “unnecessary surgery” and “risks to your health” I thought to myself, “What a lovely time to come up with some haikus that illustrate the goings on of our regal brain…. So here we are chickens…</span></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Vida Group Power</span></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Your name is not quite correct</span></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Single fat chicks right</span></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">Snownami is great</span></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">Gays won’t know what to do now</span></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">Crew club will be packed</span></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: small;">Butterstick is gone</span></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: small;">China is In’jun giver</span></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: small;">Let’s steal the great wall</span></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Jim Graham is creepy</span></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Stop staring at my rear end</span></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">Must find new food store</span></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">Impending snow storm</span></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">Must remember essentials</span></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: small;">Gin, vodka, mixers</span></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: small;">Don’t ask don’t’ tell bad</span></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: small;">I love men in uniform</span></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif; text-align: right;"><span style="font-size: small;">They take orders well</span></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br />
</span></div><div style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">So there are just a few snippets on this Thursday chickens, stay dry, stay warm, and remember, crunches, they aren’t just for the summer time anymore, and if you think people don't notice... you're just wrong. </span></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14632173.post-31183226582090807772010-01-28T08:16:00.001-08:002010-01-28T08:16:46.489-08:00Dear John Edwards.... let's have a chat.Sweet Cheese and Biscuits, John Edwards, how in the name of Madras Pants have you put yourself in a tail spin of almost comical proportions. I feel as the reigning Duchess of Protocol that we need to have a little bit of a chitty chitty chat chat. <br />
<br />
John Edwards, first of all, seriously?? I know power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely but you’re not a stupid man, wouldn’t you know that having a mistress would get picked up by at least one of your staffers and then get leaked to the media? I mean where have you been the last I dunno….. bazillion years in American politics??? <br />
<br />
Secondly, and I mean yes you made a decision to have an affair, ok. Lot’s of American’s have extra-marital sexual encounters all the time, that’s a fact of life. However, you failed to use a condom and she failed to use birth control…. Now let’s just review for a second, not only did you create a life out of the bowels of moral incompetency, which btw you better start a trust fund for that baby because if she makes it out of adolescence without being either the biggest sl*t or making friends with one or many controlled substances I will be shocked, but you could have gotten any number of diseases from that woman and passed it onto your wife and the mother of your children. I’m sure she would agree that having stage 4 cancer is bad enough without having to explain why you also have to be treated for crabs. I would rather walk across my tongue than speak ill of someone but when you have sex with someone named Rielle, you use a condom, it’s just common sense. <br />
<br />
And now that I mention it, onto the subject of your wife and your legitimate children. I just wanna sit down with Elizabeth Edwards, pour ourselves some lovely afternoon cocktails and tell that woman that I admire her grace and courage in this entire situation. If it was me, there may or may not have been phrases that started with “slashed” and ended with “tires.” There definitely would have been an interview on Oprah where she would have extolled my virtues as a strong woman and then we would have hugged some Nigerian orphans and had a legends ball, and maybe the words “Hooker Smack Down” would have been applied to your woman friend (just a sidebar I would never personally administer a smackdown, I’m much too concerned with the health of my cuticles to waste it on anyone with a name like Rielle). <br />
<br />
…..And it must be mentioned…. The sex tape. John Edwards, you are a lawyer and a previously elected member of the Senate, during tenure in both those capacities you should have realized that if there is no physical evidence you have a better chance of plausible deniability, and beyond that, you are such an idiot for making a sex tape with your mistress. If it was your wife you could chalk it up to spicing up the marriage, which btw, is a totally reasonable thing to do. <br />
<br />
So in conclusion. John Edwards, you can wear all the hang dog faces you want and make statements about how you’re so sorry and you’re committed to your family blah blah blah. Your career is on the skids and so is your family life. I won’t be inviting you to any of my rooftop cocktail parties now or in the future and please let your wife know that she and I will be having a martini soon.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14632173.post-41341753410889606572010-01-27T10:20:00.000-08:002010-01-27T10:20:32.885-08:00I just don't make enough money to be Gay.....Yester-evening while sitting on my couch, sip sip sipping on my nightcap, I was chatting with one of my friends who recently got his Tax bill back and he owes a nice chunk of change. We were discussing how to get around this snafoo and I suggested he start a farm on his porch or adopt a Himalayan whistle kid stat to declare some stuff that would make uncle sam loosen his pockets back up, but it got me to thinking, you know, in this day and age, to be a young gay male in DC you need some serious money and for the greater majority of us, it just aint working out. Therefore, in our effort to make Gay DC a little bit more sparkly, yours truly has come up with an action plan to send to our president with a list of subsidies that those who are little bit over fabulous and a little bit underfunded can take advantage of. Me and B-Rock will be chatting about it a little bit later while I have his cook make me dinner (btw if that cook was in my kitchen momma would be eating in a LOT more). <br />
<b><br />
Clothing Subsidy</b> – I don’t think that the general public understand how much funding it takes to maintain our level trend setting styles all the time. Not only do most young gays not have the funding it takes to afford the guccis, pradas, and all other accoutrement that comes barreling down the catwalk and into our dreams, we don’t have the luxury of waiting for the bargain basement versions of it to be thrown at us by the H&M’s of the world while in the meantime styles have changed, jean shorts are in, and raybans and cravats are back. I also believe that this subsidy should also be combined with a work outreach program in which male clothing stores are required to have on staff at least one homosexual male individual who would be able to serve as a truthful assessor of whether or not your butt looks good in those pants or whether you should wear orange….because sometimes it’s just not your look and you should be informed. <br />
<b><br />
Hair + Skin Care</b> - I have a dream that one day I will be able to walk into a Sephora, whip out my gay card (an card obviously covered in rainbow sparkles) and set it down on the counter and automatically receive a 25% discount on any of the many products I need to make myself look dewy fresh before I set my pumice stoned toes out of the house in the morning. This extends all the way up to but not including plastic surgery because, while I support the pioneering efforts of many gays to slow the signs of aging, by the time you need plastic surgery let’s face it, you should probably be able to afford it. <br />
<b><br />
Gym Subsidy</b> – this may be the most important subsidy of all. The Catholics have their churches, the Episcopalians have their cathedrals, the Muslims have their mosques….. and the Gays have their gyms. These are sacred institutions where we go to pray to our assorted gods, there’s “The holy bearer of the abdominals” , “The twins of power, Bicep 1 and Bicep 2”…. And let us all not forget his holiness, “Lord Pectoralis.” We need the gym much in the same way that Midwest needs Jesus. <br />
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<b>Beverage Stamps</b> – So the food stamp program seems to be working at least marginally well for people that need sustenance. I don’t know about the rest of the gays but I haven’t eaten since 1998 and don’t plan on doing so in the immediate future. My diet consists primarily of protein shakes, Martinis, and Bloody Marys (I have to have vegetables), but I think that we should be able to wet our whistles without breaking the bank!!!<br />
<br />
So in closing, if you’re young, gay, overfabulous and underfunded band with me on this issue…. Don’t ask don’t tell?? Sure let’s abolish it…. Gay marriage? I’m all for it… but before we tackle those issues let’s tackle some of the really important gay issues because let’s face it people, trying to live my rainbow champagne dreams on a budlight budget aint easy!!!!Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14632173.post-21473708803041044262010-01-26T10:54:00.001-08:002010-01-26T10:54:39.010-08:00Gay DC or Jersey Shore?– Fun Tuesday Game to Play with your friends<meta content="text/html; charset=utf-8" http-equiv="Content-Type"></meta><meta content="Word.Document" name="ProgId"></meta><meta content="Microsoft Word 11" name="Generator"></meta><meta content="Microsoft Word 11" name="Originator"></meta><link href="file:///C:%5CDOCUME%7E1%5CTakaiB%5CLOCALS%7E1%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml" rel="File-List"></link><o:smarttagtype name="PlaceType" namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags"></o:smarttagtype><o:smarttagtype name="PlaceName" namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags"></o:smarttagtype><o:smarttagtype name="place" namespaceuri="urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags"></o:smarttagtype><style>
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">So I was sitting around my residence, watching educational television when my favorite show came on….. that’s right chickens…. <a href="http://www.mtv.com/shows/jersey_shore/series.jhtml">The <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:placename w:st="on">Jersey</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st="on">Shore</st1:placetype></st1:place></a>. I started to wonder, as one is wont to do, about what about this show makes it so appealing to myself and hordes of gay men all across our fair city? What is it about these people who by all intensive purposes think spaghetti is a food group and tanning is a sport so interesting??? It dawned on me…. THEY’RE EXACTLY LIKE THE GAYS!!!! To prove my point please play the following game with me, it’s called, Gay DC or <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:placename w:st="on">Jersey</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st="on">Shore</st1:placetype></st1:place>. Bring your friends, colleagues, tricks, and assorted persons to play along!<br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Vida Fitness or <st1:place w:st="on">Jersey</st1:place> Shore??? </b>You walk into a gym, you’re surrounded by hairless, tan men, all of whom have 8-pack abs and gelled up hair. Everyone has on designer gym attire whether it is the under-armors of the world or the latest 2xist wife-beater that clings just right to their rock hard pecs. The pec, bicep, tricep, shoulder, and glute machines are ALWAYS full no matter the time of day and are populated by men grunting so hard you hope they don’t mess themselves. The stretching/ab area is full of guys looking at each other, wondering if their situp technique will really make their abs pop like the guy to their right/left. The bathroom is full of men looking at each other, seemingly appraising the surrounding specimens in comparison to their own bodies, conversations range from protein shakes to which anabolic substances are the cheapest that week…… <a href="http://www.vidafitness.com/">Vida Fitness</a> or <a href="http://ewhollywood.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/jersey-shore-mike_320.jpg"><st1:place w:st="on"><st1:placename w:st="on">Jersey</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st="on">Shore</st1:placetype></st1:place></a>?<br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Town Danceboutique or <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:placename w:st="on">Jersey</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st="on">Shore</st1:placetype></st1:place></b> – Stroll with me into a darkened club. The music is pumping in an almost robotic beat, the lasers are flashing in time with the music and slowly your eyes adjust to the room. You are surrounded by people who are wearing t-shirts that look painted on or wearing no shirts at all. Men who are pumping their fists in the air, looking around for that next conquest and joking with their friends about how many people they’ve “creeped on.” Someone in your group will inevitably call someone else’s friend a b*tch and yelling and pulling of hair will ensue which will eventually be resolved by some sort of dancefloor makeout session and inappropriate exhibition of how far they can really bend over…..<a href="http://www.metroweekly.com/scene/pic_viewer.php?p=2009-12-17_1309_50283.jpg&k=1309&d=46">Town Danceboutique</a> or<a href="http://remotecontrol.mtv.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/12/mikepaulfist1.jpg"> Jersey Shore</a>?<br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Drag Queen or Jersey Shore</b> – You see from the distance, several stunning creatures, more eyeliner than Tammie Fae Baker and more rouge than a hooker during fleet week. Tanner than David Hasselhoff in July and with French tipped nails as far as the eye can see. They approach and you recognize their “bump its” which are obviously attached to what can only be described as processed animal hair, breasts which haven’t been natural since the 80’s, and throwing attitude like it’s going out of style. They’ll do anything for a free drink and have no qualms about shaking everything that god (and their local plastic surgeon) have given them….. <a href="http://www.tvgasm.com/shows/images/rupaul/Picture%206-86.jpg">Drag Queen</a> or <a href="http://media.nj.com/entertainment_impact_celebrities/photo/jersey-shore-girlsjpg-2c95da2ba4f3d33b_large.jpg"><st1:place w:st="on"><st1:placename w:st="on">Jersey</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st="on">Shore</st1:placetype></st1:place></a>??<br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;"><b>Rehomo Beach or <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:placename w:st="on">Jersey</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st="on">Shore</st1:placetype></st1:place> </b>– You stroll onto the hot sands of the shore. As far as you can see are tanned, ripped bodies, who, surprisingly enough are already dark brown even though it’s only Memorial Day. Nobody goes near the water for fear of messing up their hair, except to walk along the water so they can appraise future conquests and potential competition. You venture off the beach to one of the shared group homes and you find within more hair gel than soap, more vodka bottles than sandals, and more random people’s underwear lying around that strangely enough doesn’t belong to anyone in the house. The occupants return to discuss for at least an hour what they’re wearing out that night all the while making themselves red bull and vodkas and rendering their hair immobile and their eyebrows un-bushy, before going out for a night out on a beach bar and using the pickup line “hey wanna see my hot tub?” which refers to a hot tub that should probably be reported to the local health department…. <a href="http://www.funmaps.com/photos/summer-resorts/Gallery/Album1/Large/fi-guys.jpg">Rehomo</a> or <a href="http://static.guim.co.uk/sys-images/Media/Pix/pictures/2010/1/4/1262591834862/Jersey-Shore-001.jpg">Jersey Shore</a>?? <br />
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</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="font-family: Verdana,sans-serif;">So take this game, play with your friends, but always remember… fake tans and leopard print tops make a statement…. is that the statement YOU want to make??<br />
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14632173.post-91640349235666911262010-01-22T11:06:00.001-08:002010-01-22T11:06:31.008-08:00Friday Five, the B*tch is BACK!<p style="font-family: verdana; text-align: center;" class="MsoNormal">Well it’s obviously been 3 years and much has changed since we last spoke…. The things that I’ve done and seen in that time would curl your toenails my dear readers, however, I think I’m finally ready to hike up my skirt and step my stiletto back into the world of blogging.<span style=""> </span>And what better way to do that than to start off with my Friday Five!!!!!!</p><div style="text-align: center;"> </div><p style="font-family: verdana; text-align: center;" class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p><div style="text-align: center;"> </div><p style="font-family: verdana; text-align: center;" class="MsoNormal">Five things that I did in the 3 years since we last spoke that are worth noting…. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p><br /></o:p></p><o:p></o:p><span style="font-size:85%;"><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">1).</span> Graduate School – that’s right ladies, I packed up my Jack Spade bag beach tote and threw on my argyle socks and I took myself back to school. I spent the better part of 2007-2009 sitting in the library trying to artfully place pens and highlighters in my hair while I was supposed to be writing policy reports on Epidemic outbreaks. An example of my response to an epidemic outbreak through contaminated Ice Cream….. “Ummmmm who eats ice cream, that is SO not atkins friendly.” And let’s not even get started on my solution to fix childhood obesity, but it definitely involved a taser and a lot of spandex shorts. </span></span><br /><span style="font-size:85%;"><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">2).</span> Rehoboth – let’s break this one down by year shall we:</span><br /><o:p style="font-family: verdana;"> </o:p><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">2007 - the year of shame and the year of excess… highlights included me trying on a 145,000 diamond and the jeweler telling one of my friends whom we pretended was my fiancé, that he’d sell him the ring at a reduction of 10,000. And then going right from there to a bar where we watched a drag king sing patsy kline….. we were confused.</span><br /><o:p> </o:p><br /><o:p style="font-family: verdana;"> </o:p><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">2008 – The year where I lived at the beach. Being in school I decided that I was going to flee DC for about a month from mid july to mid august. So I did…. Thankfully dear readers I have a very loving family that has property on the shore that let me stay with them for a couple weeks till my parents came down and rented a separate house (they’re too lazy to buy a beach house) and stayed there for a couple weeks. </span><br /><o:p style="font-family: verdana;"> </o:p><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;">2009- De-bauch-er-y. This was the year I kissed Bruce vilanch on the cheek, convinced a random stranger to take off his shirt on the street so that I may appraise him, got so tan that I applied for the United Negro College Fund, and had to sleep in bunk beds because my younger sister and her boyfriend got the adult sized bed…. Fair? I’m still pissed. </span><br /><o:p style="font-family: verdana;"> </o:p><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">3).</span> Dating life…. What dating life? Between school and working the streets of DC to make ends meet how does a single lady have time to find a gentleman caller suitable for her station? I guess the key words that come to mind if you want to go through my dating life for the past three years….. Old, crazy, clingy, red head (fire crotch!), air force, dumb as a box of hair….. and I think that covers all of them </span><br /><o:p style="font-family: verdana;"> </o:p><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">4).</span> Yes I worked the streets of DC… and no not like you think with me lying on my back and my heels pointed toward Jesus, just in the back of a van offering men money to talk to me about sex. For real… and I got paid for it….jealous?</span><br /><o:p style="font-family: verdana; font-weight: bold;"> </o:p><br /><span style="font-family:verdana;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">5).</span> OOOOH Braces…. Oh that’s right ladies and “ladies.” Momma decided to make her social life even more abundant by attaching painful pieces of metal and ceramic to her teeth for 1.5 years. Number of awkward makeout sessions resulted?? Probably more than I care to imagine. Number of times broccoli got caught in my braces? Yeah thank god I switched entirely to a liquid diet in 2007. thankfully this summer off they came and the boys…well they didn’t come a runnin…. Hmmm maybe I need to start offering candy again…..</span></span>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14632173.post-1161956243303853812006-10-27T05:28:00.000-07:002006-10-27T06:37:23.693-07:00Friday Five, Seasonal ResolutionsThe colors are changing, the days are getting shorter, the cable-knit merino sweaters and scarf combinations will once again start making their appearance.... it is now fall. With fall, as we are all aware comes a time to make some resolutions. I [Dale] here-to-for resolve that.....<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">1).</span> I will not be putting up with it tooodaaaaayyyyyy, low drama and high productivity will be the motto for the season!! <br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">2).</span> Less Shake n Bake..... yes the time has come for me to cut down my intake of this wonderful wonderful substance, hmmmm maybe I'll just kind of transfer over to hamburger helper.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">3).</span> The start of my war against the term "skinny-fat," which apparently refers to people who have skinny builds but guts..... I don't call that skinny-fat, I call that in need of pilates.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">4).</span> Get new jeans, the time has come my many friends, to talk of many things, like butts and cuts and no doughnuts to squeeze into some jeans!!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">5).</span> Go to the movies more..... it's been a really long time since I saw a movie and I feel like I'm about due.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14632173.post-1161880784330063612006-10-26T09:37:00.000-07:002006-10-26T09:51:28.793-07:00Gaysha Don't Run<object height="350" width="425">Proof positive that Gaysha don't run...... Starting at second 24 and going till about 26 there is a clear image of lady Violet Blossom owning the runway, she doesn't run, it's undignified<br /><br /><br /><object width="425" height="350"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/9-f8m0YjTpw"></param><param name="wmode" value="transparent"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/9-f8m0YjTpw" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" wmode="transparent" width="425" height="350"></embed></object><br /></object>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14632173.post-1161785899770704682006-10-25T06:25:00.000-07:002006-10-25T07:18:20.296-07:00Magical Night....Full of Mystery..... Full of Promise...So.... High Heel Race Recap.<br /><br /> I learned many things last night from my debut as Lady Violet Blossom, DC's Premier Gay-sha, let me share some of my "good choice/bad choice" moments<br /><br /><br /> Running is a bad choice for me, especially in a micro mini, especially in 3 inch spiked heels 2 sizes too small for me, especially when the gentlemen that are actually planning to run <a href="http://ironwolf.dangerousgames.com/blog/wp-content/images/Leela_Attacks_Amazonians.jpg">look like this</a>.<br /><br /> A good choice was attending a fabulous pre-party gathering with a group of people 90% of whom I had no idea who they were and half of them looked like polo models. Quote of the evening went to a very attractive gentleman whom I believe one of my friends is "entertaining" at the moment....... <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">"When [Lady Violet Blossom] came upstairs I knew what all the other straight guys in the room were thinking, 'why did I just get an erection?' "</span><br /><br /> A Bad choice was not being prepared for the press, when a reporter for a newspaper came up to me and asked me my name it totally didn't occur to me to say "Lady Violet Blossom" so I gave him the real first name.... and he looked at me like I had a touch of the downs.<br /><br />A good choice was not falling. Thank you baby jesus for allowing me to stay upright while at the High Heel race last night.<br /><br />A Bad choice was one gentleman who, while meaning well, after he had his picture taken with me offered me a Pearl Necklace..... upon seeing the look of shock and mild disgust on my face he quickly followed that up with <span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">"No No No like an actual necklace, like beads... here!!!"</span> [Insert awkward turtle here]<br /><br />A good choice was all of the bar-staff having the graciousness to allow me to jump in front of any line I came across last night post race. It was Fuh-Reee-Zing and I heard more than once from people that I was being photographed with <span style="font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">"Honey You're Shaking!"</span> No effing kidding I was shaking... I was wearing 1 layer of cotton (the fabric of our lives) and a speedo to keep warm and I've got the body fat of Kate Moss on a diet.<br /><br />A Bad choice was someone who shall remain nameless throwing me some shade last night because he thought that he was in a position of some importance..... No m'aam, I know what freaky deaky stuff you're down with.... don't mess with me, my wig was big last night.... and full of effing secrets.... I am Gaysha. <br /><br />A Great Choice was the time I had last night, I took pictures with more people last night than I had in the past year, including several what I figured were immigrant families who must've thought I was some sort of alien. I had a great time before, during, and after the race and saw a bunch of my friends AND I didn't do a walk of shame this morning which would have to have been done in my kimono.... after all..... I am Gaysha.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14632173.post-1161349066510983422006-10-20T05:06:00.000-07:002006-10-20T07:23:36.116-07:00Friday Five!<span style="font-weight: bold;">1).</span> I may or may not have watched the <a href="http://imdb.com/title/tt0173886/">week</a> <a href="http://imdb.com/title/tt0274761/">of</a> <a href="http://imdb.com/title/tt0414078/">witches</a> on the Disney channel pretty much every night this week. I may or may not be a sucker for said type of really bad B movies. I may or may not have watched the <a href="http://imdb.com/title/tt0106763/">Mary-Kate Ashley Halloween Movie</a> when I was younger and ate it up. T<a href="http://www.retrojunk.com/details_movies/1886-mr-boogedy/">his Movie<span style="text-decoration: underline;"></span></a> may be my favorite halloween movie from when I was little, I remember it scaring me crapless. PS what ever happened to the show <a href="http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0101088/">Erie Indiana</a>????<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">2). </span> I just found out that a teacher from my HS has been friendster-stalking me, EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! Now this teacher was one of two gay teachers in my HS but this one had a "yen" for the asians if you get my drift. He volunteered to be the faculty advisor for the Asian Club which I started, but quickly grew to dislike me because I was visibly uncomfortable that he made up pet names for me and my friends like "tiger." He actually told my sister once after I'd graduated that I was <span style="font-weight: bold;">A).</span> A cold person and <span style="font-weight: bold;">B).</span> He'd found pictures of me on the internet from an ad I did in London and what did she think about me doing something like that (It was for a party at a club in london whom I happened to be dating one of the investors at the time, you couldn't see any of my no no areas and so what??? also as far as I know the pictures are no longer available) P.S. she said she thought it was awesome and dropped his class.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">PPS</span>- After the teacher realized that I wasn't going to be buddy buddy with him he tried to get the other officers of the asian club whom I had appointed to get together and impeach me. Now since I found out about this I was not about to let that happen when I'd founded said club. Therefore I did what any despot would do, I, along with the student council president, wrote a constitution for the club wherein I could not be impeached, and only give up my post as president, not be defeated in future elections..... needless to say I was president for all of high school.... that'll teach em to mess with the Queen.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">3). </span> One time in Highschool, in my french class... with only one other student, we had to make a video presentation. We did a lesbian love triangle with someone we recruited who wasn't in our class and didn't have any lines. We thought it was brilliant, it's not like it was some hardcore film, they ever even kissed. Our in the closet teacher thought it was horribly offensive and gave us all C's. Years later I saw him at poodle beach in rehomo with his boyfriend.....mmmhmmm I walked past all scantily clad..... I said hi..... I judged.... I kept walking...<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">4).</span> As I found out while playing jeopardy last night and trying to figure out how to dull the blinding pain I experience while wearing the high heels I purchased for next weeks high heel race, I realized I am a wealth of useless information. For whatever reason I can correctly identify a portrait of Louis XIV, and name the genus of the nightshade family. I wish I could go on that show and effing clean the eff up. Although I'm pretty sure potent potables would be my downfall.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">5).</span> While wasting time before the lovely lineup ABC had on last night of <a href="http://z.about.com/d/tvcomedies/1/7/d/1/-/-/cast_betty_ugly.jpg">Ugly Betty</a> and Grey's Anatomy (PS Gray's is UH-MAY-ZING!!!!) (PPS- I'm just saying that if I ever see either <a href="http://bestof.provocateuse.com/images/photos/eric_dane_99.jpg">McSteamy</a>, <a href="http://photos1.blogger.com/blogger/4394/1330/1600/00005v.jpg">McDreamy</a>, <a href="http://eur.i1.yimg.com/eur.yimg.com/xp/premiere_photo/20050906/15/346698165.jpg">Finn</a><a href="http://eur.i1.yimg.com/eur.yimg.com/xp/premiere_photo/20050906/15/346698165.jpg">,</a> <a href="http://us.ent4.yimg.com/tv.yahoo.com/images/he/photo/tv_pix/abc/grey_s_anatomy/t_r__knight/greys_ockenfels2.jpg">Dr. O'Malley</a> or <a href="http://us.ent4.yimg.com/tv.yahoo.com/images/he/photo/tv_pix/abc/grey_s_anatomy/justin_chambers/greys_ockenfels2.jpg">Dr. Karev</a> ever in real life..... I will strip naked and jump on them right there..... I have absolutely no shame on that issue) I watched <a href="http://ec1.images-amazon.com/images/P/B00005J6RD.01._PE42_.Mommie-Dearest._SCLZZZZZZZ_.jpg">Mommy Dearest</a>... best line ever.... "Don't F*ck with me Fellas!!!!!"<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">5b).</span> <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2006/SHOWBIZ/TV/10/20/people.t.r.knight.ap/index.html">Dr. O'Malley is gay!!!! </a> he's just waiting to tell the press about his plans to propose to me... Remeber Dr. O'Malley, my fingers are thin but I can carry a large stone.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14632173.post-1161264431614546182006-10-19T06:03:00.000-07:002006-10-19T06:27:12.193-07:00Dear Sir..........Dear Michael Kors,<br /><br /> You should be ashamed of yourself for picking Jeffrey over Uli. Not only do you look like a gay Oompa Loompa and you are forever talking with one hand under your chin, your mother looks like Karl Lagerfeld and you can't seem to wear anything but a black blazer. I want to say that the only saving graces of the show are Ms. Heidi (Auf Wiedersehen) Klum and Tim ("Where's Andrae??") Gunn. And don't even get me started on Nina Garcia, lady looks like someone stuffed a rotten grapefruit up her no no spot from how happy she always looks.<br /><br />Dear two unnamed friends,<br /><br /> You two should be taken into an alley and shot from the pain I am now feeling which is a result of the class at the gym you "made" me take. However since I'm a glutton for punishment I will be going back god-dammit and hopefully this time I won't fall off the ball and make a scene when my bony butt hit's the floor. Although I will say I was doing better than the old lady wearing a thong. Also, I've finally figured out where all the attractive gay men in DC are hiding, and it's my gym for that class, I plan on leaving a stack of cards with my phone number and restaurant favorites for what I can only imagine will be a long line of suitors who will want to warm me up on what will hopefully in the near future be cold nights.<br /><br /><br />Dear High Heels,<br /><br /> We are not friends. I have hyper-extended most of my joints at various points in my life, walked en pointe without toe shoes, breaking most of my toes in the process in order to have a nicer toe point, broken both wrists (any limp wristed jokes and I'll cut you), had my flace slammed by a car door and knocked me out, fallen from the equivalent of a 3 story building into a pool of water flat on my back, and slid 15 feet on asphalt on my stomach after having a rollerblading accident. However, nothing is as painful as wearing effing high heels, or maybe I should just get a larger size. The High Heel race is next Tuesday and I'll be damned if I'm not going to put out a good showing..... ps just a little aside..... I don't run.... it's undignified.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14632173.post-1161008801173991432006-10-16T07:06:00.000-07:002006-10-16T07:26:41.900-07:00yes that's right..... I's a ladyWell, my little sister aka la principessa was home this weekend for fall break so I, being the good older brother aka first born went to the parentals estate friday night way out in the country. Wherein apparently the crazy fairy had visited, for as I walked in the front door and was greeted by my puppy chloe I saw what appeared to be two huge vats of urine on the countertop. After awkwardly staring at these two glass containers, each of which held at least 10 gallons of dark yellow liquid, I called for mumsy-kins to come down and explain her science experiment to me...... what was it you ask??? oh that's right, mumsy and daddykins have added making moonshine to their repertoire of things that they like to do in their free time. Their plan?? to have their lemon-flavored vodka based beverage ready to be bottled by christmas time so that they can give bottles out as christmas gifts to help everyone celebrate the birth of the baby jesus......needless to say I'm going to wait till everyone else has some to make sure it doesn't strike them blind.<br /><br />After that stunning revelation it was off to sushi for a nice family dinner. Did I mention that my family is incapable of having a nice family dinner? My mom thought this would be a perfect opportunity to discuss..... you may have guessed it..... porn. Apparently she has just found out that people watch porn, especially men, and this was an interesting topic on which she wanted my personal opinion. Do I watch porn? "Sure I've watched porn before" Did my friends watch porn? "Probably, I mean they've got to do something in between eating and sleeping" And when I watched porn did I ever watch heterosexual or lesbian porn because she heard it was quite graphic. I told her I had seen both heterosexual and lesbian porn and that heterosexual porn wasn't that interesting and the best thing about lesbian porn is that the women are always done up so nicely. (I kept the fact to myself that at random gay bars the porn that they played on the televisions is enough to make my eyelashes curl with shock). Then she started asking my dad how much porn he watched and that was when I wanted to take the chopsticks and shove them in my ears till I felt something squishy. We ordered mumsy some wine and she shut it up.<br /><br />Saturday evening was a night of crazy drunkeness.... which incidentally had nothing to do with me! People mayhaps got drunk and were grabbing other people innappropriately, making out with legitimate senior citizens at blowoff, and maybe doing dance moves from an unamed parker posey movie. I don't judge (who am I kidding?). But whatever I had my lady moment of the evening when I decided that nourishment was what I needed to cap off a very full evening so I decided to get myself a double quarter pounder with cheese and super sized it....and ate it all, it was glorious.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14632173.post-1160743501887393862006-10-13T05:26:00.000-07:002006-10-13T05:46:41.173-07:00Friday (Five) the thirteenth......oooooooooooooh(scary noise)<span style="font-weight: bold;">1).</span> To this day I still feel uncomfortable standing in front of or near a microwave when it's heating whatever delicious item I am in requirement of. I'm still marginally convinced that to do so will render me either ridden with tumors, mutated so that I can sneeze out of my belly button, or make me grow a horn. <span style="font-style: italic;"><br /><br />(Actual story, when my grandfather turned 92 he actually started to grow a horn out of his ear, it was actually tissue most closely associated with fingernails but since his DNA had broken down so much his body was going all banana sandwich..... I remember my mom clipping his horn with a pair of nail clippers...... I had to use an emory board on it once.... I kinda wanted to paint it hot pink.... he probably wouldn't have liked that)</span><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">2).</span> I'm 80% sure that dogs and cat's and most domestic animals can understand things that people say and then talk about them amongst themselves later. If my dog Chloe aka (HRH la contessa Chloe of DC and MD) lived with me now I wonder what she would tell her friends about my gentlemen callers....<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Chloe:</span> Did you see who [Dale] went to dinner with last night? I swear he can do SO much better<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Chloe's Dog Friend:</span> Whatever, have you BEEN to the dog park lately?? it aint exactly a buyers market.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Chloe:</span> True but did you see this one's hair??<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">Chloe's Dog Friend:</span> Don't even get me started, natural hair color my butt.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">3).</span> At Christmas when I was little my parents told me that after I went to sleep, all the ornaments on the tree would come alive and play around cuz it was christmas, and then they'd mix up all the ornaments before I woke up and leave one at the foot of my bed to drive the point home. That may have scarred me and I may or may not have had nightmares about the little drummer boy shoving his drum sticks into my eyeball as I dreamt of sugarplums and such.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">4).</span> I'm still convinced that if I don't eat rice at least a couple times a week all of a sudden my eyes will go round and my hair will go blonde..... don't laugh at me.... asian people know things, and I aint questioning grandma.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">5).</span> When I was very little and learning how to swim some mean-ass big kid told me that the drain at the bottom of the well was there to keep the sharks in their cage. I believed him and went bonkers anyone tried to get me to go in the deep end till I was 7 or 8. I think he has two children out of wedlock and works at Target now...... karma sweet ass karma.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14632173.post-1160665779812664472006-10-12T07:38:00.000-07:002006-10-12T08:09:40.113-07:00Haiku, because I canMadge, you not Jolie<br />Stop Adopting Africans<br />Adopt me, I'm poor<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">Blowoff this weekend<br />Standing in lines for suckers<br />Make friends with bouncer<br /><br /><div style="text-align: right;">Fall season is here<br />so excited for sweaters<br />J.Crew is my crack<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;">Halloween is close<br />No costume ideas yet<br />I am bad gay man<br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">Lance Bass is a tool<br />JR's good to kick him out<br />He should lay off cake<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><br /><br /></div></div></div></div></div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14632173.post-1160591672727831242006-10-11T11:13:00.000-07:002006-10-11T11:34:33.223-07:00Happy National Coming Out DayI will not bore everyone with stories of teenage angst, back seats, and the captain of the football team as was my coming out experience. Rather I will leave you with the top ten reasons I'm glad I'm one of the baby jesus's "Chosen People"<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">10.</span> The ability to watch shows such as <a href="http://stylusmagazine.com/turntable/wp-content/uploads/2006/02/Golden_Girls-1p0f.png">Golden Girls</a>, <a href="http://images.rottentomatoes.com/images/movie/coverv/18/212418_thumb.jpg">Designing Women</a>, and <a href="http://timstvshowcase.com/roseanne.jpg">Roseanne</a> with nary a bit of shame in the world.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">9. </span> The wonders of saying inappropriate things in mixed (read: straight people) company and watching them mull over in their heads <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">"was that uncalled for or am I ignorant for not being more sensitive to his gay needs"</span> ...... while I'm talking about how weird it was that my housekeeper found my d*ldo and how we all had a big laugh..... (that was JUST an example, didn't necessarily happen)<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">8).</span> <a href="http://i23.photobucket.com/albums/b365/Mozalicious/_rupert_everett1.jpg">Rupert Everett</a><br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">7). </span> The ability to make everyday culinary items into a masterpiece using my vo-gay-bulary. For example, I didn't make shake and bake last night, I made butterflied pork cutlets basted in a bedcrumb and seasoning mixture served baked with assorted blanched greens (frozen green beans), before which I had a wonderful pickled vegetable delicacy (olives out of the jar)<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">6).</span> Drag Queens, it is my firm belief that every gay person should do drag at least once..... There is nothing in this world that makes you more able to laugh at yourself and be more comfortable in one's skin than doing some drag, even if you do look like a carnie while doing it.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">5).</span> <a href="http://bible.gideonse.com/pics/anderson_cooper.gif">Anderson Cooper</a>: Good looking, he's a Vanderbilt for crying out loud!!! Although from what I hear, that lady's a bit too freaky even for me!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">4).</span> The ability to be able to have a cocktail at 9 am on a sunday without fear of judgement, and the only question asked is..... what type of vodka would you like?<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">3).</span> The fantastic ability to be able to relate to people from my lady friends to their jock/meathead boyfriends, I will say that being gay does make you abundantly versatile in the ability to talk to all types of people!!<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">2).</span> The fear one instills when at a party from the single straight men who are more than aware that two sentences from you and they will not be getting laid by any of the attractive women in the room, most of whom were your friends before the party and all of whom are your friends during.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight: bold;">1).</span> And the best thing I like being gay is......................sex with men..................(Probably expecting something more profound huh?)Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14632173.post-1160486038563501652006-10-10T05:59:00.000-07:002006-10-10T06:15:35.800-07:00Just when you thought everything was peachyOk..... So I have as of recently been wearing my contacts to the gym for better or for worse. I'll admit it, I enjoy the eye candy whilst running, working out, stretching, take your pick. Although I will say I do make the most concerted effort not to have roaming eyes in the locker room.<br /><br />Anyways so I was having a good workout, as one does, a nice run, good stretch, I was hitting my machines and weights the way that I wanted to.<br /><br />*Aside* I have never been nor will I ever be someone who others mistake for living at a gym, I'm not saying I'm some tub of goo that sits around all the time nor do I look like it, I just don't have veins bulging or arms that could choke a bear, I made my peace with that a LONG time ago and have absolutely no shame about it.<br /><br />In any event, I'm doing my thing, working out some muscles as one does, and I catch this guy across the room looking at me, so I do the usual...... look directly into his eyes, half smile, and look away and pretend to be REALLY concentrated on either the exercise that I'm doing or whatever happens to be playing on my iPod at that particular moment (it happened to be <span style="font-weight: bold;">"I know what boys like"</span>, go figure).<br /><br />Then I look back.... he's still smiling at me. Now this guy is a gentleman whom I would gladly give my contact information to, think 6'5" very attractive, late 20's.<br /><br />He then saunters over to my machine, so I ever so casually take out my earphone (I'm breezy!) and say "Hey", and he says "Hey my name's [McSweaty]"<br /><br />And then the bomb drops when he says........<br /><br />"ummmm by the way do you know you're doing that wrong?"<br /><br />Not to totally lose my poise and decorum I said, "Oh really? can you show me how to do it correctly? I was a swimmer, some of these machines are wicked foreign to me."<br /><br />He then showed me how to find an "appropriate weight" and "appropriate use" of the machine in question.<br /><br />After the tutorial I thanked him and being totally embarassed with thoughts of "hmmm did everyone know I was doing that the wrong way" running through my head I casually walked to the shower, rinsed off the shame, walked home, and may or may not have eaten my weight in peanut butter toast. PS, I'm convinced peanut butter toast solves all things.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-14632173.post-1160403192491544872006-10-09T06:52:00.000-07:002006-10-09T07:13:22.160-07:00Tips.... from me to you.....This Weekend has all been about the tips..... and I'd like to share some... just from me... to you.<br /><br />If you go to <a href="http://www.vidaliadc.com/vidalia/index.asp">Vidalia</a> for friday night dinner, don't order the rabbit pot pie, it is legitimately in a pie dish. I ate about half of it and then gave my dad who was across the table from me the "eyes are bigger than my stomach but I still want to eat some of your desert" face. Also, apparently my parents don't understand the terms "no" and "alcohol" in the same sentence. After declining the pre dinner martini and telling my parents I was going to cool it down for a hot minute, my mom said "that's ok, you'll just have wine with dinner"...... these people both have doctorate degrees, you'd think this would be easier to understand.<br /><br />If you do an AIDS walk on a saturday morning when it's gross outside here are a couple tips.... <span style="font-weight: bold;">1).</span> Dunkin Donuts is always a good choice <span style="font-weight: bold;">2).</span> If, like me, you wore track pants, a hoodie, and a poncho all from your alma mater and you get wet, you will look like a wet fruit of whatever color you're wearing, in my case, cranberry. <span style="font-weight: bold;">3).</span> I feel it's inappropriate to have a DJ from what I could only assume was cobalt at the rally beforehand <span style="font-weight: bold;">4).</span> I'm pretty sure Eleanor Holmes-Norton was drunk when she was giving her ra ra sis boom bah speech. <span style="font-weight: bold;">5).</span> I walked from AdMo to Freedom Plaza, the three mile loop and all the way back.... I walked over 8 miles.... I obviously rule hardcore.<br /><br />Spending an icky saturday afternoon watching TV, baking pies/fantastic dinner, and hanging out with friends is a great pick me up and a great way to recharge for the night ahead.<br /><br />Tip for the straight guys out there.... just because I'm gay does NOT mean I want to meet your gay friend whom I would obviously be PERFECT for just because we both like to S*ck D*ck. I'm just going to put it out there but <span style="font-weight: bold; font-style: italic;">to assume makes an ASS out of U and ME</span>.<br /><br />Karma is a b*tch, if you go to a party wherein several marines show up that have the combined IQ of a grapefruit and one of whom refers to you as the F*g, just hold tight and wait, especially if they're hornier than a prisoner at the Ms. America pagaeant. Said offender after I heard him referring to me as said F*g, fell down a flight of stairs, got rebuffed by every person with a vagina in the room, and trying to be a cool guy with his tobacco chew, spit a nice long line of ick juice down his right sleeve of his white shirt..... what a winner.<br /><br />If you're playing drinking games with said Marines (and you're drinking naught but coca cola and they can't hold whatever vile substance they're passing around) and you're playing "<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kings_%28drinking_game%29">Kings</a>" and Questions comes up... it is perfectly fine to stare these uber heterosexual giants in the face and ask things like "so what's up with don't ask don't tell?" or "so do you guys take turns effing each other or is it more of a flipping coin thing?"<br /><br />I'm at work on columbus day.... my commute was dreamy but the fact that I'm not a federal employee with the day off is anything but.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0