DC Gays of Our Lives

Lemme fast forward for you or.... aren't you precious....

2010-10-06T08:23:00.000-07:00

So, I've been mulling over the joys and follies of the psyche of gay men and it occurred to me, it would behoove me in my infinite and omni-media, almost Oprah Legends Ball style awesomeness for me to sit y'all pretty ladies down and have a talk with you about gay life.... and where you fit in.

Dear Twink, Yes we get it, you're gayer than a glitter covered disco ball at gay pride, you couldn't be more proud and refer to EVERYONE as "Girl" and everything is "Fabulous" and your role models include Lady Gaga and, judging from your bodies, starving un-exercised children in eastern Europe. Let me tell you a little something.... reel it back in. Fast forward about ten years and you're still wearing body glitter and rainbow jewelery, that doesn't say pride.... that says substance abuse and K addiction. We're all proud of you finding out who you are and nobody's trying to put you in a hetero-normative box nor tell you how to express yourself.... wait I take that back I am telling you how to express yourself. So go out, find a J. Crew, talk to the lovely and attractive sales associate, and get yourself a V-neck cotton blend sweater my dear, cuz you're "I can't even think straight T-shirt"?.....got's to go. oh and btw eat a bagel, they're delicious.

Dear Bitchy Queen, yes yes, I see your eyes judging me when I go to the grocery in sweatpants and a t-shirt from 1997. No I don't wear prada (fill in the blank) when I go out, and I'm not up to speed on Mark Jacobs new line or don't have the latest ummmm neck chains??? But if there's one thing I've always found about you is that your job will consist of an executive/admin assistant, low level aide, or some other ungodly job that requires little to no skill because let's face it, you've spent all your formative years memorizing the latest vogue instead of developing any kind of marketable skill except the uncanny ability to spot a Louis Vuitton knockoff from 30 paces. So let's fast forward down the road in ten years when you're up to your ass in debt from repeatedly buying this seasons gucci loafers, and having cocktails at some lounge with your equally tragic friends talking about me in my sweatpants at the grocery and how dreadful it is..... Lemme tell you what's dreadful my dears...... renting and not owning in your late 30's...... think about it.

Dear Muscle Queen, yes yes, I can see your abs from space and you can crush oreos in between your steroid laden pecs. I'm sure that you look wonderful when you're peeling off your abercrombie and fitch muscle tees and look wonderful whilst doing ummmm lat pulldowns or whatever but let me tell you something.... let's fast forward 10 years when instead of pecs your muscle has turned to fat and your chest looks more like my grandmothers than an adonis and your testicles have shriveled up from too much steroid use and your once virile man parts are now sad reminders of orgies gone by. Let me say something, in this day and age fit is great, fit is fun, and a washboard stomach is next to godliness, but let's draw the line because I don't want to sleep with a guy whose only addition to the conversation is the latest protein shake recipe he's just found or 101 ways to really make your triceps pop.......

So I've hit on several of the major gay subgroups in our fair city... where status is measured in proximity to power, not proximity to Gucci, where a mans worth is measured in the contents of his contact list, not on what's on his feet. So take note gays, in DC nobody cares who you're wearing.... just who you know and what you do so if you want to succeed as an A-list gay in DC.... be smart, not slutty..... ok just a little....

Friday Five - Lessons for my Unborn Son

2010-09-17T06:42:00.000-07:00

So, yes, I admit I'm riding the coattails of this wonderful blog, but I do think that it lacks a certain je ne sais quoi, a certain pizzaz, a certain sparkle that only yours truly can offer. Now let's face facts, the chances of me having children are the same as my showing up to a dinner party and not having a cocktail so I think I'll entitle my rules my 5 rules for the new gayling, the just out, dewey and fresh faced gay who is entering into a world of glitter.

Rule Number 1: Always walk into the gay bar like you own the place. Whenever you walk into a gay establishment, you will be sized up by 95% of the queens in said establishment within the first 10 seconds. Walking in with your shoulders slouched and looking scared, establishes your place in the gay pecking order at said bar at somewhere below the towel guy in the bathroom. When you walk into a bar, don't act like a bitchy queen, but establish your presence early on and don't act like it's your first day of school and you're trying to make new friends, you've entered the lions den and if you show weaknes.... you're going to get cut up like sushi in tokyo.

Rule Number 2: At some point in your life do Drag, and do it well. I realize that some of you new gaylings are so "straight acting" you're but an angels breath away from planting your face in a plate full of lady parts but there's nothing that puts your life into a "you know, life just isn't that serious" place than putting on a floor length glitter gown, teasing out a wig (the higher the hair, the closer to jesus) strapping on a pair of gravity defying stilettos and doing up your makeup. Also, for those that think they're too masculine for these and would rather put on their favorite muscle tees and camo pants..... it takes much bigger balls to be a man in a dress and makeup than it does to be a man in a suit..... just saying.

Rule Number 3: Make Friends With the Weird Kid, one of the pitfalls of any group of people, and this is just as true in the gay world, is that everyone wants to fit in. Groups of friends will tend toward the same designers, get comparable haircuts, and will make sure that nobody rocks the boat so to speak. So if you're at a party and you see the kid that's wearing an oversized brooch and neon kicks.... go over and introduce yourself, surrounding yourself with people that aren't afraid to express themselves and try something new will prompt you to do the same, and trust me it's a lot more fun that way..... Plus.... odds are the weird ones are the ones with the best ideas and it's more likely than not that one day they'll be the rich ones, and mommy loves her a rich friend with a guest house.

Rule Number 4: You are not as interesting as you think you are, especially after your 3rd cocktail. Now my little darlings, there are times in life when you are at a party and you're looking fierce, your stomach's flat, and your hair is did right. You've had one, two, and are on your third obviously low cal cocktail (vodka and soda) and you think the things that are coming out of your mouth are like gems that people around your are clamoring for..... yeah I'm gonna go ahead and say probably not. At parties or social events it's great to participate but not to dominate, being overbearing in any conversation will only garner you one reputation.... uninteresting blowhard. Besides, if you're the only one talking how are you going to let that cute guy in the corner, no not that one, the one in the green with the arms, get a word in edgewise to ask you if you'd like to step out on the veranda to gaze at the stars?

Rule Number 5: A bitchy queen ends getting a bitchy slap upside her head. Don't be that guy that curls his top lip up when someone enters the room that he doesn't think meets his standard of excellence. This especially applies to treating your front desk lady, your secretary, bar staff, ESPECIALLY bar staff, and anyone else in the service industry. For the first two you must ask them at least 3 times a week how their day was how their weekend was and how their family is, because let me just say that Ms. Paulette at the front desk doesn't have to let you know that your new shipment from Gilt.com just came in and Ms. Leondra who is your office secretary can just "forget" that an important fax came in for you. Nobody likes a bitchy queen except for other bitchy queens and just because you think your frosted tips and white faux leather belt are the jam.... trust momma..... the only thing a bitchy queen ends up getting is a bitchy slap upside the head.....

Father Time... Stop Punching me in the Face!!!!!!

2010-09-15T07:28:00.000-07:00

Hello my duckies.... so I've recently been thinking about time, and how quickly it seems to be passing. Now this is not some maudlin hand to forehead "where is the time going and woe is me" kind of post. It's more the.... "ummm what the hell happened and where did all the payphones go" kind of post. So just in case you, like me, are not a girl and not yet a woman you're wondering when the following things happened since you're in your mid-late twenties or early 30's and still wax sentimental for a simpler time, a more Jem she's so outrageous, Captain Planet and the Planeteers time......

Long ago I promised myself I would not turn into one of those comb over having, abercrombie wearing, hollister having, men in their 30's that was desperately trying to recapture the sad remnants of a youth that they spent basically on their backs with their heels to jesus or in the closet. I thought that like my life up till now I would transition into full on adult in a graceful and elegant fashion.... and then I thought, you know, I used to be what I would consider a pretty good diver.... why don't I try that out again, not to mention I haven't been off a diving board much less platform in over a decade. Let's just say a couple of things, 28 year old bodies are not meant to put up with the strain that 18 year old bodies are. After one practice even my eye lashes hurt. Now I would just like to say that I'm not giving up but I'll be damned if I will be doing said diving in any location other than one in which I am very certain I will not be seen by ANYONE I know.

I WILL say however I now own no Abercrombie, Hollister, or American Eagle ANYTHING. and if you're over 25 and you do.... well honey we need to have a come to jesus don't we?

I also thought that as I got older I wouldn't let the worries and trappings of the common folk enter into my royal and exalted head. I wouldn't be constantly worried about things like bills, or the future, or any grown up things that seem to have caused many a wrinkle in the foreheads of my parents or other "grownups." That my existence would pretty much be maintained at all times in the currency of lovely cocktails and fabulous events. Annnnd then I realized, not even this morning that the majority of the conversations I've had in the past 24 hours with my friends have centered around savings accounts, retirement plans, stock portfolios and mortgages. Just thinking about that made me want to recreate a time when I was living in England abroad and myself and one of my best friends would go to Harrods, and we'd walk into.... say.... the louis vuitton section, and I'd be holding something lovely and inspecting it and the following conversation would ensue....

Friend: "I bet you won't buy that"
Me: "Don't be ridiculous, I don't need another wallet, not to mention this bag"
Friend: "You totally just won't buy that, what a tool"
Me: "OMG stop being a dick, I could totally buy it if I wanted"
Friend: "Liar"
Me: "I'll show you, I'll buy the wallet and bag and have them monogrammed....jerk. now let's get a drink, shopping makes me parched for a martini."

This exchange would be quickly followed by an angry call from mumsy and daddykins on why I thought I needed to spend $2300.00 at Louis Vuitton in an hour, but once I explained that with the exchange rate it was much cheaper than buying in the states....well it didn't make them less mad but it bought me a little more time.

So I guess the lesson of the story my dear duckies is in the enjoyment of the things and abilities that we have available to us at the present time. Sure I won't be able to do the dives and gymnastic feats I once could, but having found yoga I am now able to bend in ways that would make having a significant other obsolete, and yes now I worry about my savings account, mortgage, and retirement funds but also I am happily no longer eating naught but velveeta shells and cheese 5 nights a week and drinking naught but two buck chuck and Diplomat Vodka. So I'll take age.... as long as it comes with the promise of the three C's.... Cocktails, Cocktail Rings, and Cashmere.

Facebook Etiquette, Manners in the Modern Age

2010-09-13T06:35:00.000-07:00

Hello again duckies. If you're like me (and let's face it, if you were your life would be a lot more sparkly) you spend a lot of your free time on Facebook. Like it or not facebook has become one of the foremost social networking sites of the land, and a wonderful way to keep tabs on ex's, the mean girl in HS, and whomever else that you enjoy having documented proof of that they're either morbidly obese, working at a gas station, or "blessed" with now their fourth or fifth child.... P.S. by blessed I mean awfully tied down.

I would be remiss as the current Duchess of Protocol if I didn't lay down some rules so that we can move forward with this new fangled technology with an air of decorum and propriety.... so grab your cocktails, pick out some elbow length gloves, and gather your hoop-skirts ladies cuz here's some knowledge!!!!

Let's start out with the pictures you post.....now I'm sure that while you were getting drunk at a bar on a Wednesday and thought taking pictures was a fantastic idea, I would think twice before putting said pictures on your facebook. As funny as those pictures seem to you, to everyone else on the interwebs you look like a mess, an awful embarrassing drunken mess. Also, if you're out of college, the drunken blackout pictures are just a sad sad sad attempt at you trying to reclaim your youth. Now this is not to say if you're out and about at a party or event and you take funny pictures those aren't appropriate, I would just say please tread the line carefully duckies between entertainingly tipsy and ridiculously trashy.

Accepting/Giving a friend request. let's face some hard truths....you're not as popular as you think you are.... and you're not as memorable, so to the person that you may have said hello to as an acquaintance of a friend of a neighbor, don't request to be their friend. Unless you know their first and last name, and can recall at least 4 instances wherein you've had a conversation please don't assume that your presence is so sought after that someone else will be in the awkward position of saying to themselves.... who the crap is this fool?? And on the flipside, if someone requests to be your friend and you can't remember at least 4 instances where you've had a conversant instance.... don't accept.

Wall Posts - everyone likes an update, and what is facebook if not a forum where you can let other people know the goings-on of your head but here are a couple of tips for you when engaging in said wall postings. A). Nobody wants to know about how much you love your (girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband etc.) the only thing a posting like that will accomplish is to put me off my tea, and no this is not coming from a place of bitter loneliness, just a place of haughty propriety and manners. B). Don't engage in arguments via wall postings, having an argument in such an open forum just begs to be broadcast and you won't come out smelling like roses, trust our royal highness. C). Stay klassy ladies... .stay klassy.

Now this is obviously an incomplete list, but should start you well on your way to becoming classy lady of the new century!

Friday Five - Five Gay Bumper Stickers and what they say about you

2010-09-10T06:18:00.001-07:00

Hello my darling duckies, I've been noodling over what bumper sticker to put on momma's new car... and then I got to thinking.... well what does a bumper sticker say about the owner of said vehicle because as a shining paragon of glitter and style to the residents of DC I can't just slap my royal endorsement on just any organization!!!!!! So here are 5 bumper stickers that are prevalent in DC and what they say about their owners.....

1). HRC- I respect the mission of the HRC, I rahhhhly do, but let's face facts if you're putting this sticker on your car you're saying a couple of things A). I'm whiter than an albino child dipped in flour with some cash to burn B). I love going to a ball - HRC dinner HELLO! and C). I really like being able to tell my heterosexual friends, that's right, I'm politically active but still definitely straight acting *barf*

2. Anything with a rainbow - Now this says one thing and pretty much one thing only.... I came out within the last 6 months to a year and I need EVERYBODY and their mother to know I'm gay. I will be attending EVERY gay rally and will be wearing a mesh tank top and body glitter as much as humanly possible and will be giving people dirty looks left right and sideways should they stare at me with wonder and interest, even if I will walk around looking like I've just had a major neurological event...... or it means you're a lesbadina.

3). PFLAG - I'm going to go ahead and say if you have a PFLAG sticker on your car you are of the heterosexual persuasion (God bless your heart) and are supportive of my people and their striving for the god given rights of beautiful jewels and cocktails for all!!!!! However, if you have this sticker on your car let me just make a prediction, if you are ever blessed with the miracle (curse) known as children, this sticker means you will know more about gay bars then your gay child, and his/her ultimate source of embarassment will come from when you sit his/her friends down over dinner to explain the difference between a dildo and a dong. OH, and there is a difference if my experience talking to hookers is any indication.

4). Stickers that look like this - you. are. a. tool.

No, nobody thinks it's cool that you have an abbreviation that doesn't make any sense unless you're "in the know". No I don't care that you think you're in some sort of secret club with this sticker. Please remove, it hurts my good taste.

5). Free Tibet- Now if we were to have a conversation it would go something like this... "Nice sticker, which small liberal arts school in New England did you go to and at what candlelight vigil when you were decrying the US presence in (name conflict area) and listening to "spoken word art" did you get this sticker???? Now I would like to say that I would expect to see this car on the back of an SUV that a wannabee hippy has on his car to make sure that everyone knows that just because he accepted this car from his stockbroker father does NOT mean that he's stopped caring for the plight of oppressed nations.

So think my dear duckies.... what does your bumper sticker say about you? because everybody's watching :).

Fenty vs. Gray down to the wire

2010-09-09T06:30:00.000-07:00

So once again my duckies, we're embroiled in a much heated debate on whom will run our fair city. Now honestly if I had my way we'd all make the informed decision and write in the homeless guy on the corner that holds the sign that reads "I'm going to be honest, I want money to buy beer".... now that's a politician I can trust!!!! However, Jerome from down the street hasn't had the forebearance to run so we must choose between Adrian Fenty and Vincent Gray.... But I wonder my little duckies.... do you know where each candidate stands on issues that affect the Duchy of Cocktails also known as Gay DC? Well if you don't then take a seat little duckies and let me drop a whole lot of wisdom on your teeny little heads.

Issue 1: Appearance.

Let me issue you exhibit A.
This would be our current mayor. I don't about yall but I enjoy the fact that my leader has better abs than most of his constituents. I know that in a mayor I want an individual that leads by example.... with his abs.... and his arms......and his.... well let's just say that the lycra doesn't do much to hide his executive power......

And now exhibit B. Now Vince Gray, you would be so much better served by either wearing a well fitting dress shirt or not tucking your polo into your pants.... hello!!! creating man boobs and a spare tire much???? Also we're going to have to work on your child molester smile and mustache that I can only assume covers your hairlip.... ew.

Issue 2. Liquor Taxes - Now we have heard an upsetting rumor from our "friends" to the commonwealth to the south..... that their governor wants to increase the prices of alcohol served in restaurants in bars. Now let me just say that when I heard that I had to break out my fan and start fanning away the vapors of disgust I felt at such an idea. I'm sorry but taxing the gays alcohol is like taxing pleated khakis for straight men.... it's a hate crime (PS, pleated khakis? straighties? let's discuss).

Now while neither candidate has blatantly said anything about this issue let's infer from some past decisions

Fenty- Kept bars and restaurants in Adams Morgan open for 24 hours during the inauguration festivities. Now to me that just says this is an elected leader who knows how a good cocktail can bring people together, bridge the divide between thirst and fun, and allow people from all creeds, races and backgrounds sit back and say.... "you know that fifth shot was probably a bad idea but at 2 bucks a pop I can't really say no"

Gray - That man looks like he could use a drink.... just sayin.

Issue 3. Gay Marriage

This my darlings is a non-issue. Fenty signed the marriage bill and Gray unanimously supports it. This is a smart move because I've said it before and I'll say it again, you can't swing a dead cat in this city without hitting a homosexual and if these candidates want to get anywhere they're going to need the support of the gay vote. Plus you know those two are just salivating at the amount of money some queens are going to throw into the local economy once flowers are bought, venues rented, doves acquired, booze taken care of, floor length vera wang dresses and tiaras are fitted....... oh wait.... maybe that's just me..... moving on.

In any event my dears, I think it will take a lot more than a Vincent Gray or an Adrian Fenty to decimate the District.... hell we had a mayor that was convicted of crack abuse and then we re-elected him!!!!

But my question to you my dear reader, is what are the gay issues that you want to see our next mayor address????

Friday Five - Rules for Working on Your Fitness

2010-09-03T06:04:00.000-07:00

Hey Ladies... it's the last long weekend of the summer, and there's no time like the present to break out your little mankini and try to catch some rays before the first tickle of autumns wind on the back of your neck forces you into an array of lovely V-neck merino sweaters and bomber jackets and maybe a light accent scarf and a jaunty hat...... where was I again?? OH YES, summer.

In any event, if you're a run of the mill homosexual like yours truly, for the past 3 months you've been living on a diet of ice cubes, protein bars, and crunches for fear of gay shame at ye olde pool party or god forbid on the gay beach at Rehomo.... and judging by this years showing at said gay beach it turns out I probably could have been eating naught but fudge and drinking naught but yoohoo all year long and still have looked more presentable than 95% of those messes.

ANYWHO, all that exercise means one thing... gym. Now to the average homosexual the gym is tantamount to a place of worship, you're judged on which gym you belong to and how often you attend. There are strict rituals and an established pecking order. On this Friday I've decided to share 5 rules that one should follow to successfully navigating your local gay gym.

1). While you may want to go out and buy the newest tennis shoes, get the Louis Vuitton gym bag, and Gucci headband....... spend that money on a personal training session. Let's face facts, at the gay gym it's not about how you look with your clothes on, it's free advertising to show future ex boyfriends what you are going to look like with your clothes off.

2). See that guy with the huge muscles and veins bulging doing that exercise that looks new and innovative that you're sure if you do you'll look like him??? Yeah don't do that. You will only succeed in doing two things, hurting yourself and making yourself look stupid. Stick to the basics or ask one of the lovely personal trainers who, while they can't do long division, can tell you the merits of any new exercise you've discovered.

3). While you whilst be tempted by the nakedness in the locker room, try your best to avert your eyes. While we all strive to be the model of physical perfection that garners the stares that come from years of constant exercising and not eating, nobody likes Chester the Molester so stop staring and drooling.

4). You know what, there is absolutely no need to make noises like you're trying to pass history's largest poop when you lift weights. I understand, weights are heavy, really I do, but if they're that heavy that everyone around you is just waiting for your rectum to rupture maybe you should back off a little... not a sermon, just a thought.

5). The most important thing to remember at the gym is, don't take yourself too seriously. Yes you may belong to the most exclusive gay gym that is such a paragon of superficial gayness you come out of the gym shaking the glitter off your head, but it is at the end of the day a gym with one purpose, to help you get in shape. So wear your shorts from high school, cut the sleeves off of your old t-shirts, get that water bottle out you got from your company picnic and get your ass to the gym because one of the most important things about the gay community.... fatties are icky.

Lessons Learned... Rehoboth Beach 2010

2010-09-02T07:19:00.000-07:00

Hello my lovelies, I know it's been a while since I posted but things have just been cuhraaaazy in momma's life!!! There's been housewives to watch, weight to lose, and boyfriends to steal and in all that whirlwind of gayness and glitter I've had nary a moment to sit down and tip tap away my manicured nails to fill you in on the inner workings of my coiffed existence!!!

But for realsies.... let me tell you about my lovely vacation to Rehomo, where good taste goes to die.

Now for starters, if you have yet to go to Rehomo and are from DC, don't be fooled. This is not the riviera, nor is it the hamptons, or even South beach. Expect a couple of things to happen, fat white people, sunburned fat white people, gay men from Pennsylvania or New Jersey who think that wearing purple bloomers and frosted tips is "in" and the smell of Tropicana suntan oil mixed with the faint hint of ciggarettes and shame.

Anyways, I've obviously been making yearly pilgrimages since I was 5. I'm also pretty convinced that my sister was conceived there but that's another psychiatric session inducing story.

So I went this past year and let me tell you some of the gems of wisdom that I picked up.....

1-Rides are not the same when you're in your 20's as they are when you are 6. The gravitron for instance, a machine that spins you around like a salad spinner making you stick to the wall for the duration of said ride..... I believe my comment to my fellow 20 something when we were both on the ride was, "I think this is what hell feels like"
however the boat ship thing that swings side to side is in fact the same and still just as awesome.

2-You in fact CAN eat too much grotto pizza.... ow my stomach.... ow my pride.

3-Speedos are a privilege, not a right. I in fact do don the teeny weeny mankini in the summer but as someone with the weight of an adolescent girl and the fact that I am in fact A SWIMMER, I think I'm ok in wearing one. However I would like to point out that when your friends tell you it's time for you to stop.... it's time.

4-sometimes you wake up in the morning, roll over, and take a big sip of what you think is water next to your bed.... and sometimes it's straight up vodka.

5-All Political correctness goes right out the door at the beach..... as was evident by a lady asking my sister if she was asian because she had "chinky eyes"..... awesome.

Winter Olympics - A Prospective

2010-02-12T07:56:00.001-08:00

Now what could be more fitting after digging our royal selves out of the Snownami followed by Snowpacolypse followed by what I can only describe as the DC version of “the shining” where cabin fever made me go a little bit banana sandwich. Now just some things about that

1). One day I watched literally 12 hours of television and all bad daytime tv…. 7am-9am (The Nanny) 9am-11am (Golden Girls) 11am – noon (Will and Grace) Noon-5 (Roseanne) 5-7 (golden girls) I still can’t decide if I’m proud or ashamed of that…. I’m going to say I’m prashamed.

2). You know you’re gay when you’re willing to walk 2 miles in slush and snow just to go to the gym.

ANYWAYS – so on to the more important topic…. The impending Winter Olympics

First of all… blah blah blah skiing, blah blah blah curling, blah blah blah luge. Good now that my recap of all the non important sports is out of the way we can focus on the true issue….. FIGURE SKATING!!!!!!

The gays they love the figure skating, there’s drama, there’s dancing…. There’s sequined jumpsuits with matching skate covers…. It’s a gay old dream! And this year at the winter Olympics we shan’t be disappointed. Let’s review the highlights of the US Olympic team shall we???

Johnny Weir - Johnny “Queer” makes my little gay heart soar because let’s face it chickens, when you were a young queerling there is pretty much nothing more you wanted than to get up, meet with your trainer while you were wearing your dancing tights, then go for a quick drive with your agent on the way to film your music video while you read a people magazine, drink diet coke and view the world through Louis Vuitton shades ……. It amuses me that little Johnny still maintains his “privacy regarding his sexuality”, Honey darling, you call yourself princess, list one of your idols as Christina Aguilera, and have your own clothing line in

Korea

, you’re not only gay, you’re REGINA GEORGE!!!

Evan Lysacek – hmmmm 6’2” dark Italian features and can move to a rhythm? Um yes please. Judging from his ill fitting “pirate sleeves” costumes and costumes resembling a tuxedo I’m going to go ahead and say that he does not carry the flame of sisterhood like our lady Ms. Johnny. That being said he’s in a world of sequins and hairspray so either he’s gonna have a “misunderstanding” one night after too many tequila shots a la Cutting Edge (TOE PICK) or he’s going to be the most oversexed straight man to hit ice skating since……that other straight one…you know…. The one in the 50’s?..... oh wait… that was skiing…nevermind.

Jeremy Abbott- you aren’t interesting and I don’t care about you. However if you do either fall on your butt numerous times I will make sure to watch.

Mirai Nagasu – OOOH gurl, now, as someone who is a frail cherry blossom herself, I gotta back up my Japanese sister…. You’re looking at a queen whose grandparents kept a scrapbook of Kristi Yamaguchi’s newspaper articles. She’s young, she’s Japanese, and she can bend in ways that would make Cirque Du Soleil proud. She is picking up the torch that Michelle Kwan so horribly dropped… let’s face it, Asians do figure skating….. it’s ginsu on her feet bi*ches!!!!

Rachel Flatt – Well let’s face it, you’re not the asian darling of millions like my girl Mirai. And I swear if you tara Lipinski a medal away from her I swear I will rain the fury of a thousand bitchy queens upon you!!!! That being said good luck honey, oh, and black is slimming…. Remember that…… I wonder if she ever got called Rachel Fatt….

Happy Friday everyone, let’s hope for an Olympics full of heart wrenching montages, nail biting jump combinations, and enough lycra to outfit an entire circuit party~!!!

Thursday….. it’s time for a Haiku how can you resist!!!

2010-02-04T10:02:00.000-08:00

Hello Chickens, hope you’re all having a fabulous week full of things like espresso colonics and weekend facelifts. Momma’s been uber busy with things like getting those pesky last two ribs removed and trying to find a way to take all my meals in pill form so I don’t mess up my lovely new veneers. However, as I was sitting in the doctors office while he was saying annoying things like “unnecessary surgery” and “risks to your health” I thought to myself, “What a lovely time to come up with some haikus that illustrate the goings on of our regal brain…. So here we are chickens…

Vida Group Power

Your name is not quite correct

Single fat chicks right

Snownami is great

Gays won’t know what to do now

Crew club will be packed

Butterstick is gone

China is In’jun giver

Let’s steal the great wall

Jim Graham is creepy

Stop staring at my rear end

Must find new food store

Impending snow storm

Must remember essentials

Gin, vodka, mixers

Don’t ask don’t’ tell bad

I love men in uniform

They take orders well

So there are just a few snippets on this Thursday chickens, stay dry, stay warm, and remember, crunches, they aren’t just for the summer time anymore, and if you think people don't notice... you're just wrong.

Dear John Edwards.... let's have a chat.

2010-01-28T08:16:00.001-08:00

Sweet Cheese and Biscuits, John Edwards, how in the name of Madras Pants have you put yourself in a tail spin of almost comical proportions. I feel as the reigning Duchess of Protocol that we need to have a little bit of a chitty chitty chat chat.

John Edwards, first of all, seriously?? I know power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely but you’re not a stupid man, wouldn’t you know that having a mistress would get picked up by at least one of your staffers and then get leaked to the media? I mean where have you been the last I dunno….. bazillion years in American politics???

Secondly, and I mean yes you made a decision to have an affair, ok. Lot’s of American’s have extra-marital sexual encounters all the time, that’s a fact of life. However, you failed to use a condom and she failed to use birth control…. Now let’s just review for a second, not only did you create a life out of the bowels of moral incompetency, which btw you better start a trust fund for that baby because if she makes it out of adolescence without being either the biggest sl*t or making friends with one or many controlled substances I will be shocked, but you could have gotten any number of diseases from that woman and passed it onto your wife and the mother of your children. I’m sure she would agree that having stage 4 cancer is bad enough without having to explain why you also have to be treated for crabs. I would rather walk across my tongue than speak ill of someone but when you have sex with someone named Rielle, you use a condom, it’s just common sense.

And now that I mention it, onto the subject of your wife and your legitimate children. I just wanna sit down with Elizabeth Edwards, pour ourselves some lovely afternoon cocktails and tell that woman that I admire her grace and courage in this entire situation. If it was me, there may or may not have been phrases that started with “slashed” and ended with “tires.” There definitely would have been an interview on Oprah where she would have extolled my virtues as a strong woman and then we would have hugged some Nigerian orphans and had a legends ball, and maybe the words “Hooker Smack Down” would have been applied to your woman friend (just a sidebar I would never personally administer a smackdown, I’m much too concerned with the health of my cuticles to waste it on anyone with a name like Rielle).

…..And it must be mentioned…. The sex tape. John Edwards, you are a lawyer and a previously elected member of the Senate, during tenure in both those capacities you should have realized that if there is no physical evidence you have a better chance of plausible deniability, and beyond that, you are such an idiot for making a sex tape with your mistress. If it was your wife you could chalk it up to spicing up the marriage, which btw, is a totally reasonable thing to do.

So in conclusion. John Edwards, you can wear all the hang dog faces you want and make statements about how you’re so sorry and you’re committed to your family blah blah blah. Your career is on the skids and so is your family life. I won’t be inviting you to any of my rooftop cocktail parties now or in the future and please let your wife know that she and I will be having a martini soon.

I just don't make enough money to be Gay.....

2010-01-27T10:20:00.000-08:00

Yester-evening while sitting on my couch, sip sip sipping on my nightcap, I was chatting with one of my friends who recently got his Tax bill back and he owes a nice chunk of change. We were discussing how to get around this snafoo and I suggested he start a farm on his porch or adopt a Himalayan whistle kid stat to declare some stuff that would make uncle sam loosen his pockets back up, but it got me to thinking, you know, in this day and age, to be a young gay male in DC you need some serious money and for the greater majority of us, it just aint working out. Therefore, in our effort to make Gay DC a little bit more sparkly, yours truly has come up with an action plan to send to our president with a list of subsidies that those who are little bit over fabulous and a little bit underfunded can take advantage of. Me and B-Rock will be chatting about it a little bit later while I have his cook make me dinner (btw if that cook was in my kitchen momma would be eating in a LOT more).

Clothing Subsidy – I don’t think that the general public understand how much funding it takes to maintain our level trend setting styles all the time. Not only do most young gays not have the funding it takes to afford the guccis, pradas, and all other accoutrement that comes barreling down the catwalk and into our dreams, we don’t have the luxury of waiting for the bargain basement versions of it to be thrown at us by the H&M’s of the world while in the meantime styles have changed, jean shorts are in, and raybans and cravats are back. I also believe that this subsidy should also be combined with a work outreach program in which male clothing stores are required to have on staff at least one homosexual male individual who would be able to serve as a truthful assessor of whether or not your butt looks good in those pants or whether you should wear orange….because sometimes it’s just not your look and you should be informed.

Hair + Skin Care - I have a dream that one day I will be able to walk into a Sephora, whip out my gay card (an card obviously covered in rainbow sparkles) and set it down on the counter and automatically receive a 25% discount on any of the many products I need to make myself look dewy fresh before I set my pumice stoned toes out of the house in the morning. This extends all the way up to but not including plastic surgery because, while I support the pioneering efforts of many gays to slow the signs of aging, by the time you need plastic surgery let’s face it, you should probably be able to afford it.

Gym Subsidy – this may be the most important subsidy of all. The Catholics have their churches, the Episcopalians have their cathedrals, the Muslims have their mosques….. and the Gays have their gyms. These are sacred institutions where we go to pray to our assorted gods, there’s “The holy bearer of the abdominals” , “The twins of power, Bicep 1 and Bicep 2”…. And let us all not forget his holiness, “Lord Pectoralis.” We need the gym much in the same way that Midwest needs Jesus.

Beverage Stamps – So the food stamp program seems to be working at least marginally well for people that need sustenance. I don’t know about the rest of the gays but I haven’t eaten since 1998 and don’t plan on doing so in the immediate future. My diet consists primarily of protein shakes, Martinis, and Bloody Marys (I have to have vegetables), but I think that we should be able to wet our whistles without breaking the bank!!!

So in closing, if you’re young, gay, overfabulous and underfunded band with me on this issue…. Don’t ask don’t tell?? Sure let’s abolish it…. Gay marriage? I’m all for it… but before we tackle those issues let’s tackle some of the really important gay issues because let’s face it people, trying to live my rainbow champagne dreams on a budlight budget aint easy!!!!

Gay DC or Jersey Shore?– Fun Tuesday Game to Play with your friends

2010-01-26T10:54:00.001-08:00

So I was sitting around my residence, watching educational television when my favorite show came on….. that’s right chickens…. The Jersey Shore. I started to wonder, as one is wont to do, about what about this show makes it so appealing to myself and hordes of gay men all across our fair city? What is it about these people who by all intensive purposes think spaghetti is a food group and tanning is a sport so interesting??? It dawned on me…. THEY’RE EXACTLY LIKE THE GAYS!!!! To prove my point please play the following game with me, it’s called, Gay DC or Jersey Shore. Bring your friends, colleagues, tricks, and assorted persons to play along!

Vida Fitness or Jersey Shore??? You walk into a gym, you’re surrounded by hairless, tan men, all of whom have 8-pack abs and gelled up hair. Everyone has on designer gym attire whether it is the under-armors of the world or the latest 2xist wife-beater that clings just right to their rock hard pecs. The pec, bicep, tricep, shoulder, and glute machines are ALWAYS full no matter the time of day and are populated by men grunting so hard you hope they don’t mess themselves. The stretching/ab area is full of guys looking at each other, wondering if their situp technique will really make their abs pop like the guy to their right/left. The bathroom is full of men looking at each other, seemingly appraising the surrounding specimens in comparison to their own bodies, conversations range from protein shakes to which anabolic substances are the cheapest that week…… Vida Fitness or Jersey Shore?

Town Danceboutique or Jersey Shore – Stroll with me into a darkened club. The music is pumping in an almost robotic beat, the lasers are flashing in time with the music and slowly your eyes adjust to the room. You are surrounded by people who are wearing t-shirts that look painted on or wearing no shirts at all. Men who are pumping their fists in the air, looking around for that next conquest and joking with their friends about how many people they’ve “creeped on.” Someone in your group will inevitably call someone else’s friend a b*tch and yelling and pulling of hair will ensue which will eventually be resolved by some sort of dancefloor makeout session and inappropriate exhibition of how far they can really bend over…..Town Danceboutique or Jersey Shore?

Drag Queen or Jersey Shore – You see from the distance, several stunning creatures, more eyeliner than Tammie Fae Baker and more rouge than a hooker during fleet week. Tanner than David Hasselhoff in July and with French tipped nails as far as the eye can see. They approach and you recognize their “bump its” which are obviously attached to what can only be described as processed animal hair, breasts which haven’t been natural since the 80’s, and throwing attitude like it’s going out of style. They’ll do anything for a free drink and have no qualms about shaking everything that god (and their local plastic surgeon) have given them….. Drag Queen or Jersey Shore??

Rehomo Beach or Jersey Shore – You stroll onto the hot sands of the shore. As far as you can see are tanned, ripped bodies, who, surprisingly enough are already dark brown even though it’s only Memorial Day. Nobody goes near the water for fear of messing up their hair, except to walk along the water so they can appraise future conquests and potential competition. You venture off the beach to one of the shared group homes and you find within more hair gel than soap, more vodka bottles than sandals, and more random people’s underwear lying around that strangely enough doesn’t belong to anyone in the house. The occupants return to discuss for at least an hour what they’re wearing out that night all the while making themselves red bull and vodkas and rendering their hair immobile and their eyebrows un-bushy, before going out for a night out on a beach bar and using the pickup line “hey wanna see my hot tub?” which refers to a hot tub that should probably be reported to the local health department…. Rehomo or Jersey Shore??

So take this game, play with your friends, but always remember… fake tans and leopard print tops make a statement…. is that the statement YOU want to make??

Friday Five, the B*tch is BACK!

2010-01-22T11:06:00.001-08:00

Well it’s obviously been 3 years and much has changed since we last spoke…. The things that I’ve done and seen in that time would curl your toenails my dear readers, however, I think I’m finally ready to hike up my skirt and step my stiletto back into the world of blogging. And what better way to do that than to start off with my Friday Five!!!!!!

Five things that I did in the 3 years since we last spoke that are worth noting….

1). Graduate School – that’s right ladies, I packed up my Jack Spade bag beach tote and threw on my argyle socks and I took myself back to school. I spent the better part of 2007-2009 sitting in the library trying to artfully place pens and highlighters in my hair while I was supposed to be writing policy reports on Epidemic outbreaks. An example of my response to an epidemic outbreak through contaminated Ice Cream….. “Ummmmm who eats ice cream, that is SO not atkins friendly.” And let’s not even get started on my solution to fix childhood obesity, but it definitely involved a taser and a lot of spandex shorts.

2). Rehoboth – let’s break this one down by year shall we:

2007 - the year of shame and the year of excess… highlights included me trying on a 145,000 diamond and the jeweler telling one of my friends whom we pretended was my fiancé, that he’d sell him the ring at a reduction of 10,000. And then going right from there to a bar where we watched a drag king sing patsy kline….. we were confused.

2008 – The year where I lived at the beach. Being in school I decided that I was going to flee DC for about a month from mid july to mid august. So I did…. Thankfully dear readers I have a very loving family that has property on the shore that let me stay with them for a couple weeks till my parents came down and rented a separate house (they’re too lazy to buy a beach house) and stayed there for a couple weeks.

2009- De-bauch-er-y. This was the year I kissed Bruce vilanch on the cheek, convinced a random stranger to take off his shirt on the street so that I may appraise him, got so tan that I applied for the United Negro College Fund, and had to sleep in bunk beds because my younger sister and her boyfriend got the adult sized bed…. Fair? I’m still pissed.

3). Dating life…. What dating life? Between school and working the streets of DC to make ends meet how does a single lady have time to find a gentleman caller suitable for her station? I guess the key words that come to mind if you want to go through my dating life for the past three years….. Old, crazy, clingy, red head (fire crotch!), air force, dumb as a box of hair….. and I think that covers all of them

4). Yes I worked the streets of DC… and no not like you think with me lying on my back and my heels pointed toward Jesus, just in the back of a van offering men money to talk to me about sex. For real… and I got paid for it….jealous?

5). OOOOH Braces…. Oh that’s right ladies and “ladies.” Momma decided to make her social life even more abundant by attaching painful pieces of metal and ceramic to her teeth for 1.5 years. Number of awkward makeout sessions resulted?? Probably more than I care to imagine. Number of times broccoli got caught in my braces? Yeah thank god I switched entirely to a liquid diet in 2007. thankfully this summer off they came and the boys…well they didn’t come a runnin…. Hmmm maybe I need to start offering candy again…..

Friday Five, Seasonal Resolutions

2006-10-27T05:28:00.000-07:00

The colors are changing, the days are getting shorter, the cable-knit merino sweaters and scarf combinations will once again start making their appearance.... it is now fall. With fall, as we are all aware comes a time to make some resolutions. I [Dale] here-to-for resolve that.....

1). I will not be putting up with it tooodaaaaayyyyyy, low drama and high productivity will be the motto for the season!!

2). Less Shake n Bake..... yes the time has come for me to cut down my intake of this wonderful wonderful substance, hmmmm maybe I'll just kind of transfer over to hamburger helper.

3). The start of my war against the term "skinny-fat," which apparently refers to people who have skinny builds but guts..... I don't call that skinny-fat, I call that in need of pilates.

4). Get new jeans, the time has come my many friends, to talk of many things, like butts and cuts and no doughnuts to squeeze into some jeans!!

5). Go to the movies more..... it's been a really long time since I saw a movie and I feel like I'm about due.

Gaysha Don't Run

2006-10-26T09:37:00.000-07:00

Proof positive that Gaysha don't run...... Starting at second 24 and going till about 26 there is a clear image of lady Violet Blossom owning the runway, she doesn't run, it's undignified

Magical Night....Full of Mystery..... Full of Promise...

2006-10-25T06:25:00.000-07:00

So.... High Heel Race Recap.

I learned many things last night from my debut as Lady Violet Blossom, DC's Premier Gay-sha, let me share some of my "good choice/bad choice" moments

Running is a bad choice for me, especially in a micro mini, especially in 3 inch spiked heels 2 sizes too small for me, especially when the gentlemen that are actually planning to run look like this.

A good choice was attending a fabulous pre-party gathering with a group of people 90% of whom I had no idea who they were and half of them looked like polo models. Quote of the evening went to a very attractive gentleman whom I believe one of my friends is "entertaining" at the moment....... "When [Lady Violet Blossom] came upstairs I knew what all the other straight guys in the room were thinking, 'why did I just get an erection?' "

A Bad choice was not being prepared for the press, when a reporter for a newspaper came up to me and asked me my name it totally didn't occur to me to say "Lady Violet Blossom" so I gave him the real first name.... and he looked at me like I had a touch of the downs.

A good choice was not falling. Thank you baby jesus for allowing me to stay upright while at the High Heel race last night.

A Bad choice was one gentleman who, while meaning well, after he had his picture taken with me offered me a Pearl Necklace..... upon seeing the look of shock and mild disgust on my face he quickly followed that up with "No No No like an actual necklace, like beads... here!!!" [Insert awkward turtle here]

A good choice was all of the bar-staff having the graciousness to allow me to jump in front of any line I came across last night post race. It was Fuh-Reee-Zing and I heard more than once from people that I was being photographed with "Honey You're Shaking!" No effing kidding I was shaking... I was wearing 1 layer of cotton (the fabric of our lives) and a speedo to keep warm and I've got the body fat of Kate Moss on a diet.

A Bad choice was someone who shall remain nameless throwing me some shade last night because he thought that he was in a position of some importance..... No m'aam, I know what freaky deaky stuff you're down with.... don't mess with me, my wig was big last night.... and full of effing secrets.... I am Gaysha.

A Great Choice was the time I had last night, I took pictures with more people last night than I had in the past year, including several what I figured were immigrant families who must've thought I was some sort of alien. I had a great time before, during, and after the race and saw a bunch of my friends AND I didn't do a walk of shame this morning which would have to have been done in my kimono.... after all..... I am Gaysha.

Friday Five!

2006-10-20T05:06:00.000-07:00

1). I may or may not have watched the week of witches on the Disney channel pretty much every night this week. I may or may not be a sucker for said type of really bad B movies. I may or may not have watched the Mary-Kate Ashley Halloween Movie when I was younger and ate it up. This Movie may be my favorite halloween movie from when I was little, I remember it scaring me crapless. PS what ever happened to the show Erie Indiana????

2). I just found out that a teacher from my HS has been friendster-stalking me, EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! Now this teacher was one of two gay teachers in my HS but this one had a "yen" for the asians if you get my drift. He volunteered to be the faculty advisor for the Asian Club which I started, but quickly grew to dislike me because I was visibly uncomfortable that he made up pet names for me and my friends like "tiger." He actually told my sister once after I'd graduated that I was A). A cold person and B). He'd found pictures of me on the internet from an ad I did in London and what did she think about me doing something like that (It was for a party at a club in london whom I happened to be dating one of the investors at the time, you couldn't see any of my no no areas and so what??? also as far as I know the pictures are no longer available) P.S. she said she thought it was awesome and dropped his class.

PPS- After the teacher realized that I wasn't going to be buddy buddy with him he tried to get the other officers of the asian club whom I had appointed to get together and impeach me. Now since I found out about this I was not about to let that happen when I'd founded said club. Therefore I did what any despot would do, I, along with the student council president, wrote a constitution for the club wherein I could not be impeached, and only give up my post as president, not be defeated in future elections..... needless to say I was president for all of high school.... that'll teach em to mess with the Queen.

3). One time in Highschool, in my french class... with only one other student, we had to make a video presentation. We did a lesbian love triangle with someone we recruited who wasn't in our class and didn't have any lines. We thought it was brilliant, it's not like it was some hardcore film, they ever even kissed. Our in the closet teacher thought it was horribly offensive and gave us all C's. Years later I saw him at poodle beach in rehomo with his boyfriend.....mmmhmmm I walked past all scantily clad..... I said hi..... I judged.... I kept walking...

4). As I found out while playing jeopardy last night and trying to figure out how to dull the blinding pain I experience while wearing the high heels I purchased for next weeks high heel race, I realized I am a wealth of useless information. For whatever reason I can correctly identify a portrait of Louis XIV, and name the genus of the nightshade family. I wish I could go on that show and effing clean the eff up. Although I'm pretty sure potent potables would be my downfall.

5). While wasting time before the lovely lineup ABC had on last night of Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy (PS Gray's is UH-MAY-ZING!!!!) (PPS- I'm just saying that if I ever see either McSteamy, McDreamy, Finn , Dr. O'Malley or Dr. Karev ever in real life..... I will strip naked and jump on them right there..... I have absolutely no shame on that issue) I watched Mommy Dearest... best line ever.... "Don't F*ck with me Fellas!!!!!"

5b). Dr. O'Malley is gay!!!! he's just waiting to tell the press about his plans to propose to me... Remeber Dr. O'Malley, my fingers are thin but I can carry a large stone.

Dear Sir..........

2006-10-19T06:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Michael Kors,

You should be ashamed of yourself for picking Jeffrey over Uli. Not only do you look like a gay Oompa Loompa and you are forever talking with one hand under your chin, your mother looks like Karl Lagerfeld and you can't seem to wear anything but a black blazer. I want to say that the only saving graces of the show are Ms. Heidi (Auf Wiedersehen) Klum and Tim ("Where's Andrae??") Gunn. And don't even get me started on Nina Garcia, lady looks like someone stuffed a rotten grapefruit up her no no spot from how happy she always looks.

Dear two unnamed friends,

You two should be taken into an alley and shot from the pain I am now feeling which is a result of the class at the gym you "made" me take. However since I'm a glutton for punishment I will be going back god-dammit and hopefully this time I won't fall off the ball and make a scene when my bony butt hit's the floor. Although I will say I was doing better than the old lady wearing a thong. Also, I've finally figured out where all the attractive gay men in DC are hiding, and it's my gym for that class, I plan on leaving a stack of cards with my phone number and restaurant favorites for what I can only imagine will be a long line of suitors who will want to warm me up on what will hopefully in the near future be cold nights.

Dear High Heels,

We are not friends. I have hyper-extended most of my joints at various points in my life, walked en pointe without toe shoes, breaking most of my toes in the process in order to have a nicer toe point, broken both wrists (any limp wristed jokes and I'll cut you), had my flace slammed by a car door and knocked me out, fallen from the equivalent of a 3 story building into a pool of water flat on my back, and slid 15 feet on asphalt on my stomach after having a rollerblading accident. However, nothing is as painful as wearing effing high heels, or maybe I should just get a larger size. The High Heel race is next Tuesday and I'll be damned if I'm not going to put out a good showing..... ps just a little aside..... I don't run.... it's undignified.

yes that's right..... I's a lady

2006-10-16T07:06:00.000-07:00

Well, my little sister aka la principessa was home this weekend for fall break so I, being the good older brother aka first born went to the parentals estate friday night way out in the country. Wherein apparently the crazy fairy had visited, for as I walked in the front door and was greeted by my puppy chloe I saw what appeared to be two huge vats of urine on the countertop. After awkwardly staring at these two glass containers, each of which held at least 10 gallons of dark yellow liquid, I called for mumsy-kins to come down and explain her science experiment to me...... what was it you ask??? oh that's right, mumsy and daddykins have added making moonshine to their repertoire of things that they like to do in their free time. Their plan?? to have their lemon-flavored vodka based beverage ready to be bottled by christmas time so that they can give bottles out as christmas gifts to help everyone celebrate the birth of the baby jesus......needless to say I'm going to wait till everyone else has some to make sure it doesn't strike them blind.

After that stunning revelation it was off to sushi for a nice family dinner. Did I mention that my family is incapable of having a nice family dinner? My mom thought this would be a perfect opportunity to discuss..... you may have guessed it..... porn. Apparently she has just found out that people watch porn, especially men, and this was an interesting topic on which she wanted my personal opinion. Do I watch porn? "Sure I've watched porn before" Did my friends watch porn? "Probably, I mean they've got to do something in between eating and sleeping" And when I watched porn did I ever watch heterosexual or lesbian porn because she heard it was quite graphic. I told her I had seen both heterosexual and lesbian porn and that heterosexual porn wasn't that interesting and the best thing about lesbian porn is that the women are always done up so nicely. (I kept the fact to myself that at random gay bars the porn that they played on the televisions is enough to make my eyelashes curl with shock). Then she started asking my dad how much porn he watched and that was when I wanted to take the chopsticks and shove them in my ears till I felt something squishy. We ordered mumsy some wine and she shut it up.

Saturday evening was a night of crazy drunkeness.... which incidentally had nothing to do with me! People mayhaps got drunk and were grabbing other people innappropriately, making out with legitimate senior citizens at blowoff, and maybe doing dance moves from an unamed parker posey movie. I don't judge (who am I kidding?). But whatever I had my lady moment of the evening when I decided that nourishment was what I needed to cap off a very full evening so I decided to get myself a double quarter pounder with cheese and super sized it....and ate it all, it was glorious.

Friday (Five) the thirteenth......oooooooooooooh(scary noise)

2006-10-13T05:26:00.000-07:00

1). To this day I still feel uncomfortable standing in front of or near a microwave when it's heating whatever delicious item I am in requirement of. I'm still marginally convinced that to do so will render me either ridden with tumors, mutated so that I can sneeze out of my belly button, or make me grow a horn.

(Actual story, when my grandfather turned 92 he actually started to grow a horn out of his ear, it was actually tissue most closely associated with fingernails but since his DNA had broken down so much his body was going all banana sandwich..... I remember my mom clipping his horn with a pair of nail clippers...... I had to use an emory board on it once.... I kinda wanted to paint it hot pink.... he probably wouldn't have liked that)

2). I'm 80% sure that dogs and cat's and most domestic animals can understand things that people say and then talk about them amongst themselves later. If my dog Chloe aka (HRH la contessa Chloe of DC and MD) lived with me now I wonder what she would tell her friends about my gentlemen callers....

Chloe: Did you see who [Dale] went to dinner with last night? I swear he can do SO much better

Chloe's Dog Friend: Whatever, have you BEEN to the dog park lately?? it aint exactly a buyers market.

Chloe: True but did you see this one's hair??

Chloe's Dog Friend: Don't even get me started, natural hair color my butt.

3). At Christmas when I was little my parents told me that after I went to sleep, all the ornaments on the tree would come alive and play around cuz it was christmas, and then they'd mix up all the ornaments before I woke up and leave one at the foot of my bed to drive the point home. That may have scarred me and I may or may not have had nightmares about the little drummer boy shoving his drum sticks into my eyeball as I dreamt of sugarplums and such.

4). I'm still convinced that if I don't eat rice at least a couple times a week all of a sudden my eyes will go round and my hair will go blonde..... don't laugh at me.... asian people know things, and I aint questioning grandma.

5). When I was very little and learning how to swim some mean-ass big kid told me that the drain at the bottom of the well was there to keep the sharks in their cage. I believed him and went bonkers anyone tried to get me to go in the deep end till I was 7 or 8. I think he has two children out of wedlock and works at Target now...... karma sweet ass karma.

Haiku, because I can

2006-10-12T07:38:00.000-07:00

Madge, you not Jolie
Stop Adopting Africans
Adopt me, I'm poor

Blowoff this weekend
Standing in lines for suckers
Make friends with bouncer

Fall season is here
so excited for sweaters
J.Crew is my crack

Halloween is close
No costume ideas yet
I am bad gay man

Lance Bass is a tool
JR's good to kick him out
He should lay off cake

Happy National Coming Out Day

2006-10-11T11:13:00.000-07:00

I will not bore everyone with stories of teenage angst, back seats, and the captain of the football team as was my coming out experience. Rather I will leave you with the top ten reasons I'm glad I'm one of the baby jesus's "Chosen People"

10. The ability to watch shows such as Golden Girls, Designing Women, and Roseanne with nary a bit of shame in the world.

9. The wonders of saying inappropriate things in mixed (read: straight people) company and watching them mull over in their heads "was that uncalled for or am I ignorant for not being more sensitive to his gay needs" ...... while I'm talking about how weird it was that my housekeeper found my d*ldo and how we all had a big laugh..... (that was JUST an example, didn't necessarily happen)

8). Rupert Everett

7). The ability to make everyday culinary items into a masterpiece using my vo-gay-bulary. For example, I didn't make shake and bake last night, I made butterflied pork cutlets basted in a bedcrumb and seasoning mixture served baked with assorted blanched greens (frozen green beans), before which I had a wonderful pickled vegetable delicacy (olives out of the jar)

6). Drag Queens, it is my firm belief that every gay person should do drag at least once..... There is nothing in this world that makes you more able to laugh at yourself and be more comfortable in one's skin than doing some drag, even if you do look like a carnie while doing it.

5). Anderson Cooper: Good looking, he's a Vanderbilt for crying out loud!!! Although from what I hear, that lady's a bit too freaky even for me!

4). The ability to be able to have a cocktail at 9 am on a sunday without fear of judgement, and the only question asked is..... what type of vodka would you like?

3). The fantastic ability to be able to relate to people from my lady friends to their jock/meathead boyfriends, I will say that being gay does make you abundantly versatile in the ability to talk to all types of people!!

2). The fear one instills when at a party from the single straight men who are more than aware that two sentences from you and they will not be getting laid by any of the attractive women in the room, most of whom were your friends before the party and all of whom are your friends during.

1). And the best thing I like being gay is......................sex with men..................(Probably expecting something more profound huh?)

Just when you thought everything was peachy

2006-10-10T05:59:00.000-07:00

Ok..... So I have as of recently been wearing my contacts to the gym for better or for worse. I'll admit it, I enjoy the eye candy whilst running, working out, stretching, take your pick. Although I will say I do make the most concerted effort not to have roaming eyes in the locker room.

Anyways so I was having a good workout, as one does, a nice run, good stretch, I was hitting my machines and weights the way that I wanted to.

*Aside* I have never been nor will I ever be someone who others mistake for living at a gym, I'm not saying I'm some tub of goo that sits around all the time nor do I look like it, I just don't have veins bulging or arms that could choke a bear, I made my peace with that a LONG time ago and have absolutely no shame about it.

In any event, I'm doing my thing, working out some muscles as one does, and I catch this guy across the room looking at me, so I do the usual...... look directly into his eyes, half smile, and look away and pretend to be REALLY concentrated on either the exercise that I'm doing or whatever happens to be playing on my iPod at that particular moment (it happened to be "I know what boys like", go figure).

Then I look back.... he's still smiling at me. Now this guy is a gentleman whom I would gladly give my contact information to, think 6'5" very attractive, late 20's.

He then saunters over to my machine, so I ever so casually take out my earphone (I'm breezy!) and say "Hey", and he says "Hey my name's [McSweaty]"

And then the bomb drops when he says........

"ummmm by the way do you know you're doing that wrong?"

Not to totally lose my poise and decorum I said, "Oh really? can you show me how to do it correctly? I was a swimmer, some of these machines are wicked foreign to me."

He then showed me how to find an "appropriate weight" and "appropriate use" of the machine in question.

After the tutorial I thanked him and being totally embarassed with thoughts of "hmmm did everyone know I was doing that the wrong way" running through my head I casually walked to the shower, rinsed off the shame, walked home, and may or may not have eaten my weight in peanut butter toast. PS, I'm convinced peanut butter toast solves all things.

Tips.... from me to you.....

2006-10-09T06:52:00.000-07:00

This Weekend has all been about the tips..... and I'd like to share some... just from me... to you.

If you go to Vidalia for friday night dinner, don't order the rabbit pot pie, it is legitimately in a pie dish. I ate about half of it and then gave my dad who was across the table from me the "eyes are bigger than my stomach but I still want to eat some of your desert" face. Also, apparently my parents don't understand the terms "no" and "alcohol" in the same sentence. After declining the pre dinner martini and telling my parents I was going to cool it down for a hot minute, my mom said "that's ok, you'll just have wine with dinner"...... these people both have doctorate degrees, you'd think this would be easier to understand.

If you do an AIDS walk on a saturday morning when it's gross outside here are a couple tips.... 1). Dunkin Donuts is always a good choice 2). If, like me, you wore track pants, a hoodie, and a poncho all from your alma mater and you get wet, you will look like a wet fruit of whatever color you're wearing, in my case, cranberry. 3). I feel it's inappropriate to have a DJ from what I could only assume was cobalt at the rally beforehand 4). I'm pretty sure Eleanor Holmes-Norton was drunk when she was giving her ra ra sis boom bah speech. 5). I walked from AdMo to Freedom Plaza, the three mile loop and all the way back.... I walked over 8 miles.... I obviously rule hardcore.

Spending an icky saturday afternoon watching TV, baking pies/fantastic dinner, and hanging out with friends is a great pick me up and a great way to recharge for the night ahead.

Tip for the straight guys out there.... just because I'm gay does NOT mean I want to meet your gay friend whom I would obviously be PERFECT for just because we both like to S*ck D*ck. I'm just going to put it out there but to assume makes an ASS out of U and ME.

Karma is a b*tch, if you go to a party wherein several marines show up that have the combined IQ of a grapefruit and one of whom refers to you as the F*g, just hold tight and wait, especially if they're hornier than a prisoner at the Ms. America pagaeant. Said offender after I heard him referring to me as said F*g, fell down a flight of stairs, got rebuffed by every person with a vagina in the room, and trying to be a cool guy with his tobacco chew, spit a nice long line of ick juice down his right sleeve of his white shirt..... what a winner.

If you're playing drinking games with said Marines (and you're drinking naught but coca cola and they can't hold whatever vile substance they're passing around) and you're playing "Kings" and Questions comes up... it is perfectly fine to stare these uber heterosexual giants in the face and ask things like "so what's up with don't ask don't tell?" or "so do you guys take turns effing each other or is it more of a flipping coin thing?"

I'm at work on columbus day.... my commute was dreamy but the fact that I'm not a federal employee with the day off is anything but.

Friday Five

2006-09-29T05:52:00.000-07:00

Randomness... because it's Friday and I'm wearing jeans and a hoodie and drinking cocoa in my glorious office.

1). Nelly Furtado's new song Maneater is officially my new "I'm feeling sassy in my underwear and will dance around my apartment with nobody around" song. I feel like I don't want to like it but dammit..... I just do. Promiscuous girl I didn't get behind for dancing, it was aiiiight.

2). I love me some Grey's Anatomy.... love love love love love LOVE!!! Me and Sandra Oh are attached at the hip... she's my sh*t. Plus, McDreamy is from Lewiston Maine.... and for those of you that don't know, Lewiston Maine is not known for it's attractive people, actors or otherwise..... trust me. I'm under the suspicion that all the people got together at the Shaws on East Ave. got together ALL their good-looking genetic material and gave it to Patrick D.'s mom. Plus if the guys looked like Patrick D. in Lewiston I would have A). never gotten any work done and B). never gotten out of bed. Again.... s'all I'm saying.

3). While at JR's last night, while waiting for some people, I'm always early, I'm half german and half japanese, it's genetic, I was witness to an overweight indian man getting his groove on at the bar to an 80's Madonna song. I might have shared a moment with one or more of the bartenders when I was confused to either think "rock on with your bad self lady, you get it!" or "sweet jesus, that man doesn't know how ridiculous he looks, I should tell him." I came to the decision that another G+T would make things alllll better..... I was right.

4). I had an entire conversation last week with my sister that consisted of pretty much all quotes from Anchorman..... for my birthday she may or may not have made me sweatpants with the lettering "People Know Me." Across the bum.... I may or may not wear them out. They're wicked sweet. And people do know me. (MILK WAS A BAD CHOICE)

5). I just realized that Rachel Ray now has her own talk show. Isn't there a passage in revelations that reads "The first sign of the apocalypse is thusly recognized: When she who bastardizes the english language with terms such as yummo, stoup, and EVOO shall be given multiple shows on a cable network and then allowed to have her own talk show, the cycle of destruction shall begin, the rivers will turn to blood and biker shorts will come back in style." All's I'm saying is I'm carrying around a rosary and some holy water aka gin with me at all times.

It's not me..... it's you

2006-09-28T10:56:00.001-07:00

Another installment from the Dale school of etiquette for the gay over-financed and under-fabulous...... how to break up with someone.

Now break-ups need only be termed as someone with whom you've been dating, not screwing, for more than a month. Any socialization that is based primarily on sex isn't dating, unless the sex happened after the second date and is always prefaced by a meal and cocktails. Anything else is termed just "socializing" and no formal goodbye is needed to end such liasions, just the inability to pick up phone calls/texts and the inability to recognize the other's presence in a public place.

Now onto the breakup.

First things first, don't be that guy, do it in person. Unless you are out of the country for an extended period of time do it in person. Karma's a b*tch and it will come round to bite you in the bum. Besides, doing it in person denotes a modicum of feeling toward the gentleman being let go from your organization even if said feeling has withered and died like Paula Abdul's singing career.

Secondly, don't do it over a meal. Doing it over a meal will force you to be with this person for an extended and usually awkward period of time, besides it will detrimentally affect your appetite. Oh and don't include large amounts of alcohol into the mix, then the chances of your spilling some tid bit become higher like....... "you know the way your [insert anatomy here] is really oddly shaped"....... I prefer a coffee shop or patio, cocktails are fine just don't overdo.

Thirdly, look them straight in the eye when you're laying down the law, you aren't embarassed, you shouldn't be ashamed, you're doing what you need to do. Besides if you're already looking them in the eye they can't pull the... "Just look me in the eye and say you don't care for me anymore" routine. That line always makes me laugh and that REALLY didn't go over well.

Fourthly, don't bring ANYONE elses name into the conversation, the situation, be it for whatever reason, has to do with you and the gentleman caller. If there is someone else involved (i.e. cheating) always refer to them using pronouns and never names.

Fifthly, don't use cliches, there are specific reasons why you are doing what you're doing, and unless they involve some freaky deaky-ness there's no reason to not share them, who knows, it might help [insert name of gentleman] later in the future.

Sixthly, don't involve in physical contact, that sends mixed messages and I've always found that a hands in the lap, legs under the chair approach was good.... the more formal the more the point will be driven home.

Seventhly, pay for yourself, whatever he offers you, don't accept it, you need to be unfettered by his advances and that won't happen if you let him pick up the last tab. Finish your cocktail/coffee, don't gulp it, thank him and wish him well and be on your way.

These tips might seem cold and hard, and maybe they are, the truth hurts, but a clean break beats messy and sticky any day of the week and twice on sunday.

*I would just like to offer a big EFF you to President Pervez Musharraf for ruining my enjoyable rooftop dinner with all those damn helicopters overhead in my neighborhood. It was a glorious night and I was enjoying a fabulous home cooked meal on a glorious fall night and all of a sudden I was in the middle of a bad Cops show. I can deal with being stuck behind Cheney near the Ritz in a motorcade but I mean come ON.....***

Well I never!!!

2006-09-27T07:19:00.000-07:00

Apparently I'm reaching even the trailer parks of West Virginia with this here blog. This morning I got the wonderful gift of this suprise as a comment which was posted this morning to something I'd written in June and, while it wasn't Chaucer it wasn't exactly a Tom of Finland comic either....

"EAT A DICK YOU FAGGOT LOSER. TOO MUCH SPARE TIME AND JUST WAISTED TWO MINS OF MY LIFE. I HATE YOU FOR THAT YOU DEAD SHIT"

Now let's discuss shall we.

1). I have never nor will I ever EAT a d*ck.... whomever told you what homosexual men do in bed must have gotten their info from a baaaad source, as far as I know the majority of gay population enjoy their d*cks and enjoy whomever they choose to socialize with having them as well. Therefore it would be counterproductive for us to be eating each other's d*cks and thus decreasing the amount of d*cks to go around.

2). "TOO MUCH SPARE TIME", are you referring to my spare time for writing the blog or your spare time for reading it?? As far as I know nobody forced you to sit down and read what this F*ggot has to say.

3). I WAISTED two minutes of your time?? First of all I don't think I've "waisted" anything in my entire life, is that something you do to your possums before you fricasee them?

4). Even if I had wASted two minutes of your life, I'm pretty sure sitting down and practicing your hooked on phonics with something other than sounding out BUD-WEI-SER from your trucker cap before you started your shift at the truck yard will do you wonders later on in life when you have to sound out the words PA-TER-NI-TY after you have sex with your cousin.

5). I HATE YOU FOR THAT YOU DEAD SHIT. Big words cowboy, now let me say that nowhere in my body hates you for what you wrote, it doesn't reflect badly upon me nor does it make me even mad at you, honestly I feel bad for you that you spent the time and effort to focus on my peoples and hate on them. I don't have the time or energy to hate you, I have more important things to think about..... like happy hour or belly button lint. And death threats?? why don't you walk around in my neighborhood, Dupont, Logan, hell even Cap. Hill and say that stuff, I know a few muscle queens getting out of WSC, Results, Vida, etc. that would just ADORE to discuss with you the merits of your face meeting concrete/fist. Oh and lady I'm from DC, don't bring that mess up in my house.

6). Now as HRH Dale of Ad-Mo/Dupontia I refuse to stoop to such crude levels in order to express my disdain for such displays of communication. However I will say this having never met you.....

writing in all caps is so 7th grade
honestly find another hobby, I hear macrame is making a HUGE comeback
and finally, if all else fails, take a wine bottle, smash top of the neck so it's all nice and pointy, and sit on it.... cuz I'm not the kid you called a F*g in middle school and I'll cut a b*tch.

Tales from the weekend!

2006-09-26T05:25:00.000-07:00

Perhaps I saw This Movie on Friday night with two of my peeps post cal-tor goodness.... now I have several things to say about this experience. Namely, Cal-Tor is a bad substitute for the crack-infused wonderment that is The Holy Land. Secondly if you do see the above-linked movie, please for the love of jesus don't go see it on a date, I left the movie pretty much soured on any and all relationships, that is until my a.d.d kicked in and I forgot about it.

I spent the majority of Saturday, after some errands in the morning, doing my favorite activity..... sitting in my ratty old sweatpants watching Sally Fields/Valerie Bertinelli/Judith Light get out of whatever eating disorder/bad relationship/battle with cancer they found themselves in. Oh and I also may have watched the Color Purple and identified with Ms. Oprah because, well, I'm a strong black woman. I also may have watched the Joy Luck Club, and identified with my Asian sisters, I may have eaten sushi while doing that..... don't judge me.

I might have gone out on Saturday night, I might have seen one of my friends ex's who dicked him over. I might have had the following conversation with him

Ex from hell (XFH): Hey [Dale], how are you (attempts to hug me)

Dale: (puts one arm out stop hugging process) I'm sorry, please don't hug me.

XFH: I'm sorry, let me buy you a drink.

Dale: Thanks, but I don't accept drinks from "expletive expletive expletive racial slur expletive" (and exit stage left)

I ate on Sunday at Le Pigalle, which used to be Peppers of mediocre food fame. I would just like to say that the names may have changed but the food sure as poo hasn't. I let the gentleman caller order my drink, he ordered me some sort of drink in a martini glass with chambord and other fruit juices in it. I don't do that. I like my drinks like I like my men, tall, strong and goes down smooth, not hating on the fruity fruit drinks.... well maybe I am a little.

Friday Five..... Why I heart my college straight bf's

2006-09-22T06:07:00.000-07:00

As the fall comes and the air starts to get a bit cooler I'm reminded of taking the 12 hour trip up to New England to college in my beautiful beautiful Buick Lesabre (her name is Bertha).... and if you don't think it's a sweet ride then you are incorrect sir. I was happy to get away from the rents, looking forward to seeing all my friends whom I hadn't seen all summer, but the people I was most happy to see were my straight boyfriends.

I'm not what ignorant people would call "straight acting" and for all intents and purposes these guys should have never been friends with me. However at a freshman party one year they were all in the room and knowing not many people except people on the swim team I was quietly sipping my beer in a corner when one of them came over to me.... picture it, 6'5", 250 pounds of New England grade A football craziness comes over to me and yelled over the din.. "Hey, Are you gay?".... the entire room went silent, and instead of being scared and running away (which probably may have been the smarter decision given the environment) I stood up, looked him straight in the eye and said "Why? are you looking for a date because I'm flattered but you're honestly not hot enough." ALLL the other guys started laughing and I had ingratiated myself. ANYWAYS, for the next four years these guys were my best friends, so it was about 10 guys from the football team averaging about 6'4" and 200 pounds a piece.... and then me who, soaking wet, barely breaks 150. Here are 5 little gems that I treasure about my straight boyfriends.

1). Showing up at parties with these guys and having at least one of them say "if anybody messes with you we'll F*ck them up.... just tell us." mmmhmmm who traveled with security even in college??? that's right b*tches that's how I roll.

2). On more than one occassion this lady may have been a little inebriated and mayhaps wanted to fall asleep wherever I happened to be. Being the good straight boyfriends they were I may have been slung over one of these guys shoulders, they may or may not have tucked me in more than once. I always would repay them..... obvy with a case of natty bo.

3). Sometimes we'd go to other colleges and we may or may not have challenged some of these guys to drinking games, they'd get to pick someone on our team and we'd pick someone on their team to go shot for shot..... for whatever reason (6'3" and 150 pounds) I'd get picked and I'd go up against some guy with something to prove..... and inevitably the only thing he'd prove was that tequila looks very similar coming back up than what it looked like going down.

4). Two of my football buddies, I convinced to take hip hop dance class with me..... I may have also convinced them to participate in the performance at the end of the year. I may or may not have told everyone and their mother. They may have had to turn people away at the auditorium because there were so many people that it would have been a fire hazard. We may or may not have gotten a standing O. One of them may or may not have given a speech at graduation where me convincing him to take a dance class was featured prominently.

5). I definitely instituted the first ever drag show at my school to benefit the local gay youth organization. I definitely performed my first year in 4 inch stiletto black leather boots, a mini skirt and a bright pink wig. PS I make one UUUUGGGGLLLLLY woman. I made them all come as I, along with a nice lesbian friend did our rendition of Michael Jackson's "the way you make me feel." I definitely had a wonderful time and they were all there in attendance offering their drunken support. Afterwards needing to blow off some steam I mayhaps have had too much to drink and was relieving my stomach in the toilet with one of them holding my fake wig back.... and said.... wow, I never thought I'd be holding a drag queen's hair back while she puked... this is kinda weird. It probably would have been funnier if I wasn't booting all over.

So while I love my gay friends and wouldn't trade them in for the world, the crisp air makes me want to open a Natty Bo, put on my hoodie and sweats aka my drinking clothes, and sit down with my straight boys.

From the desk of Dale

2006-09-21T05:23:00.000-07:00

Dear 19 year old that I had the unfortunate experience of being introduced to last night,

You are obviously not 28 as you claimed. You are probably not even legal to be at the establishment at which you were introduced to me. You should have gathered by my demeanor that A). my polite hello was to be the extent of our interaction [bow, introduce, move on is standard protocol] B). If you think showing up with a man that had to be in his late 40's while I can still smell your mom's milk on your breath wasn't going to raise our regal eyebrow then you were wrong. C). I may have given you the benefit of the doubt had I not seen you at JR's literally bouncing/jumping up and down when [insert random dance remix of 80's pop song here] came on. D). When, after all that and the fact that you ordered the girliest drink in life, I decided to take you down a peg and asked you how you celebrated labor day and you said [insert late 40's man name here] took you to the beach and I said.... "oh, did you forget to leave your white belt under the boardwalk?? cuz you're wearing it and let me check my watch.... yup.... just as I thought.... it's after labor day." So sweet little child, please stop jumping/bouncing at JR's, don't buy your accessories at Claires, and for the love of cher please don't get your eyebrows done by someone who apparently doesn't like you very much. Also..... don't act like you can roll with the big dogs baby child cuz I will own you and make you cry.

Dear Man in Late 40's who is dating the 19 year old,

Please don't parade him around like a toy poodle and pretend like it's impressive.... it's not. At this point I'd equate your actions to the "come here small child, I've got a drink for you and it tastes delicious!" line of reasoning. I'm not above accepting tributes to our person in the form of adult beverages however, I'm also not a, wearing a white belt after labor day, using words like fierce in every other sentence combined with "that's hot," and having conversations that seem to center around how fierce christina's new single is or how hot his new outfit from contempo casual is. Honestly if you want to recapture your youth, recapture YOURS, not someone elses.... oh and I think it'd work faster if you just outright sucked the blood out of his body. just saying.

Dear Senator George Allen,

So apparently when y'all were sitting round your upper middle class christmas dinner growing up as a family in your nice little heterosexual norman rockwell world it would never occur to you that, in fact, your momma was raised a north african jew. Hmmm gay marriage aint looking so bad now huh Georgey, cuz it aint gonna be too long before some reporter goes back to Tunisia and finds some little black baby that you share your wonderful close-minded genetic legacy with. I can see your next campaign ad now..... Vote for George Allen, for, like great men before him, he too is a white man with black relatives!!

Oh where oh where has dale gone......

2006-09-20T07:44:00.000-07:00

Just in case you're about to sit down to eat before reading this post...... don't.

Sorry my little duckies.... momma's food poisoning... yes, food poisoning and not e.coli infection has knocked her on her ass with this charmer going from couch... to bed... to the bathroom... to the bathroom....to the bathroom... to the bathroom. PS when you throw up pure bile it really does look like you've swallowed a highlighter. However thankfully I've begun to be on the mend however I don't think I'll be needing to do any ab exercises for the rest of the decade. Also another tip from me to you, if you get pure bile on any fabric it will act like pure bleach so you might want to tie your hair back and not wear anything billowy, or nice.

I feel like I'm basically the poster child for the weird ass diseases and injuries...... here's a little tasteroo...

Picture it.... I'm 7, I get a fun condition called toxic synovitis.... can't walk for a week because my hips and knees are so inflamed from the viral infection in my joints that I look like one of those sally struthers kids..... (I may or may not have told the school nurse when I was 10 that I had this condition again and she may or may not have believed me and called my nanny to take me home)

Fast Forward...... I'm 16, I've been a platform diver for at least 5 years. I'm up doing my thing on the 10m platform, which while 32.81 feet in the air doesn't sound like THAT much, when you're up there it's pretty effing high. So I run... I jump.... I do my flippy doo, and I go into the water when all of a sudden my chest is KILLING me and I can't move my left arm, so starting to freak out I go to the side of the pool and my mom has to take me to the ER where they discover that I've...... yup.... popped a hole in my lung, which apparently happened because of the change in air pressure...... it healed by itself but it wasn't the sweetest time in life.

Fast forward again....... I'm 18, and a freshman in college.... I'm having chinese food with some friends and were also sharing this experience with a bottle of pinot noir. I get asked to open the bottle and being the genius I am put my chopsticks in my mouth lengthwise...... yank on the cork with the ghetto corkscrew.... the cork pops out hits the chopsticks which then pierce the lining of the back of my throat... all of a sudden my throat and mouth are really warm.... and then it hits me, because they're filling up with blood.... another trip to the ER and some bandagey stuff later and the doctor starts laughing at me for being such a re re.

Fast forward once more.... I'm 19 and taking an intensive course that lasts 6 weeks called Cellular and Molecular Biology or Cell Hell, 4 hours of lecture in the morning followed by 4 hours of lab in the afternoon with an exam every friday. Sweet, so obviously sleep and good nutrition were not paramount to me and I subsisted on a diet of coffee, ciggarettes, and nutra grain bars. In any event this lady then contracted an ulcer which got infected and I developed a nice little viral infection on top of that, I just thought I had a stomach ache and went on my merry way.... until the morning I couldn't get out of bed because all my stomach muscles had seized and I couldn't move.... so I called the ambulance which drove me 4 yes 4, blocks to the hospital... The cherry on this sundae? While convalescing I made the hospital staff drive me to class every day and to lab in the afternoon and wheeled me around in my wheelchair, IV dangling. Did I get a B+ in that class? you bet your a$$ I did.

I know this saga is far from over..... and I also know that while I'll survive all of this, someday I'll be old and gray and richer than elizabeth taylor and oprah combined, I'll choke on a cherry pit and die..... I just hope I'm wearing clean underwear.

Weekend Roundup

2006-09-18T08:17:00.000-07:00

Blowoff = fun times. I will be going again.

I was consulted by new staff at a burgeoning gay bar in DC in order that he might look the part of a gay bartender as he's of the hetero variety, I may or may not have made him buy underwear with a lift support systemy thing. I crack myself up.

I will never ever go to sette on connecticut avenue ever again.... two words.... food poisoning.... as of this morning all my insides were on the outside, needless to say I'm in a less than stellar mood.

Thursday......Five?

2006-09-14T06:14:00.000-07:00

Since I will be spa-ing it up for most of the day tomorrow only to take short breaks for pilates and walking the dog around the country estate, I will not be posting tomorrow my little duckies, so I will leave you with five delicious thoughts to send you into the weekend.

1). Whitney's not having it toooodaaaaaaayyyyyyyy. Apparently she and Bobby Brown are done-zo.... now Bobby, haven't we learned the lessons of other man-servant/husbands that if you want to remain on the gravy train you have to keep your head out of the crack-dens, also you and your fellow leeches of life should realize that just because you are attached to someone who, at one point had a talent that was marketable to the american people, that does not mean that YOU yourself have talent.... that's like saying, "Oh well I have an asian friend so that makes me a ninja". Because no... little ducky, it surely does not.

2). Adrian Fenty has been, for all intensive purposes, voted as the new mayor of the District of Columbia. I wonder if he will take my oh so sage advice for a district wide ban on jean shorts, visors, and sleeveless T's?? Or at least institute a tax loop for me being able to write off my bar tabs at gay bars as "multicultural outreach networking." c'mon Fenty..... PS how pissed off is he that his parents named him Adrian.... so unfortunate.

3). JR's on 17th just celebrated it's 20th Anniversary, which means that when it opened I was 4, who would have known on that day in 1986 that JR's was not even a glint in my lacoste/izod clad eyes, complete with requisite knee socks with the colored stripes at the top, rocking the keds and shorts with the white piping around the edges. PS who wanted to be liono so bad he carried the sword around with him at all times?? yup this guy. Now I just wanna be liono so I can wear a unitard and knee boots and yell HO at the top of my lungs.

4). As was evident in MW this week, some gays will go to the opening of an envelope if enough booze is offered. I however turned down my invitation for the opening of a new gym in DC, for several reasons, firstly events at gyms tend not to be the social event of the season lest we forget last years "fashion show" at resluts which I am sad to say I attended. Secondly who the hell goes to the opening of a gym? it's not exactly like the opening of a bar, club, or super social institution?? Thirdly, as we are currently operating from our country estate we have not the effort or energy to attend what I consider to be a tier 3 event.... Tier one being events held at super social clubs and bars, Tier two consisting of events at restaurants and cafe's, and Tier three being places I wouldn't ever go to unless I was promised enough booze to erase any bad time I would probably have.

5). Pumpkin Spice latte's have ushered in the fall.... is it just me or is anyone else having a wtf what happened to summer moment?? Oh well, I look cute in cable-knits and scarves.

The Crazy Convention is apparently in town

2006-09-13T06:16:00.000-07:00

When it rains it pours I guess.... Either that or I'm releasing some sort of pheremone that says... if you are sketchy, mentally unbalanced, or just plain weird then please not only approach me but please hit on me with awkward overtures.

Now this is why I don't do the internet dating thing. Sure, it works for many people, I know of several successful relationships that have been products of the internet. I however, am not one of those people. The last time I tried to do the internet dating thing, the gentleman in question thought that I was a hooker and asked me how much I'd charge for a night, so good track record I don't have.

Anyways so when I got a message on the Gay Registry, I was a bit wary. 27, grad student..... seemed pretty inocuous.

Now for those of you that aren't in the know, I'll pretty much talk to a doorknob if I think it'll listen so obviously in an effort to combat boredom I emailed this gentleman back, with very platonic, very non-suggestive language just asking him about his grad. degree, where he lived, etc. etc. and so forth.

.........................And then I got the email yesterday that convinced me that in fact, the baby jesus has sent me yet another sign that internet dating is not for this lady.

1). He started going on and on about how he was so excited to be going to his Bible Study yesterday. Now you know what, religion is a great thing, I prescribe to it, however Bible study creeps me out, I get the image of one of those David Koresh/Polygamist Mormon Camps in my head where the women all look like little house on the prairie and the children all look like they're the product of inbreeding (small hands.... like carnies). I'm convinced he speaks in tongues or some such nonsense.

2). Within the next two sentences he said one of his amateur talents is massage and that "perhaps being a hard working boy I'd like one sometime." Now if your skin didn't crawl at that you are cold and dead on the inside. Maybe he's trying to lure me to his den of iniquity to cast out the gay demons in my soul..... or maybe he's just sketchy and trying to touch me in my no no spot.

I then promptly replied with the..... thank you for your offer (politeness always) but the only people I accept massages from are within institutions that have the word S-P-A at the end of their names, while I'm sure that you have received compliments from other people in the past on your massage talents, I don't think I will be benefitting from said skills. Also, while I have been known to attend church (sometime in the last decade), Bible study is kinda creepy. Thank you for your interest and I'm sorry to say that our interaction will now be reduced to not at all.

P.S. I'm convinced that the baby jesus has been f*cking with me recently, in the past two weeks I've dealt with this winner, mr. man that thought I was a stripper, one ex who wanted to apologize for winning the a$$hole of the year award, another ex that left me a very lewd txt message, and a certain gentleman that's been trying to have sex with me since I was 17 leave me a VERY lewd txt and two voicemails...... I better be winning the lottery or something cuz this is just ridiculous.

P.P.S. - Bebar? Charging a cover for a bar in BFE? lol. Charging a VIP fee for access to a private room?? in DC? LOL. Plus if I wanted to pay for overpriced watered down drinks while standing around preening I'd go to Halo.... at least from there I can go across the street to Whole Foods and get a spicy tuna roll.

Oh hellllllz no

2006-09-12T07:33:00.000-07:00

So ok, I may have been stopped on the Street walking home one evening before we decided to travel to our country home this past weekend and was stopped by a gentleman who was not wholly unattractive who said he'd seen me out before and was wondering if I was on my way to a place where he could buy me a beverage. I was in more of a "disney movie and pj's" type of place but didn't want to brush him off, I gave him my phone number..... I really shouldn't have done that.

Sunday morning rolled around and I check my phone and see that I have a missed call from an unknown 202 number so it being brunchy time and I being sated with leftover chinese food and a mimosa I return said phone call.

Mmmhmm it turns out he was getting off of work at 4 in the morning when he called and just wanted to drop me a line.... who the poo does that??? Strike one.

Turns out he is a bouncer at a straight club that is not located in the NW quadrant of our fair city. Turns out when probed for which straight club he wouldn't name the club when I asked which one. Turns out that would be a side job for his primary job as a construction worker.... sketchiness factor for being shady has been elevated and we have a strike two.

So I asked him where he'd seen me out before, I was thinking it'd be along the lines of a JR's or L'Auriol Plaza or even maybe a Fox & Hounds sighting...... turns out I was wrong and the following convo is evident.

Me: So where'd you see me out? (thinking JR's probably in my head)

Sketch Master Flex (SMF): Oh I think I saw you dancing a while ago.

Me: (Thinking to myself that I haven't been to Sadlands or Hobalt in months) Oh really? I don't think I've been dancing in a really long time.

SMF: Oh it was pretty recent, it was probably Wet or Fuego or something.

Me: Ummm those are strip clubs though, not much of a dancefloor, plus the last time I was at a Strip club was for 20 minutes in January.

SMF: No you were on the stage, you're a stripper right??

Me: (Heat rising, eyes bulging out as I hear this over the phone) I'm sorry, I don't think I heard you correctly..... you think I'm a what??

SMF: A stripper, I could have sworn I've seen you onstage at Wet at least

Me: I'm sorry, I have never, and will never be a stripper, not that there is anything wrong with shaking all the blessings you've received from the baby jesus however I will never be part of that professional group.

SMF: Oh. Well if you're free I'd still like to take you out for a drink sometime.

Me: I'm sorry, I don't believe that will be happening in the forseeable future, maybe you should go back to wet and try to find whomever you thought I was originally.

Strike Three

P.S. - I'm still on the fence about if being mistaken for a stripper is a compliment or an insult. I either look like I could be paid for taking my clothes off or a cracked out boat person like in "Fame"....... *sobbing* fame!.....I wanna live forever......

Don't F*CK with me fellas!!!!!

2006-09-08T11:56:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the late posting.... hiatus etc. etc. and so forth

However I'm gonna share five things on this fine friday that are sure to piss me off.... just so we're clear.

1). Don't F*ck with my friends..... I may or may not have been known to threaten people's lives that were messing with my friends. As some of y'all may or may not know, I'm not the most subdued person when it comes to such things but I have absolutely no qualms about going up to just about anyone and letting them in on the secret that were they to f*ck with one of my friends I will make every movement painful for them for a very long time. Oh and if you date one of my friends and you cheat, mistreat, or are a general douche bag watch out..... mayhaps everyone will find out about that nasty rash you had last year or that you used to crap yourself in elementary school...or maybe I'll pick your pocket, steal your car keys and throw them away.....

2). Don't call me any of the following: exotic, hispanic, filipino, asiatic, oriental..... I will not only educate you on why those terms are not only offensive but also ignorant I will then make sure that at whatever establishment you are at, you will not be getting laid there for a very long time.

3). Making references to "straight acting" or "masculine acting." The reason I have a problem with both of those terms is that A). There's no such thing as straight acting, the only straight act that I can think of involves a penis, a vagina, and insertion. B). Straight acting just points to one's own insecurity with how they are perceived, and I dont' know about y'all but while I enjoy clothes, sparkly things, wearing tight jeans and the golden girls I can also build a fire, build a toilet out of wood and twine, know how to shoot a gun, and go toe to toe with any card carrying breeder-man at a bar. C). Butch in the streets nelly in the sheets..... all I'm saying, it's always the "straight-acting" guys that end up wanting some nelly ass queen to dominate them.
D). Barring any personal sexual proclivities that I may have, at what point did being a bottom automatically make one a big sissy?

4). Don't wear short-sleeve button downs..... for the love of jesus please let the madness end!!

5). Putting Sweaters on Dogs..... they already have fur, please don't be that guy.

Internal Tornado

2006-09-06T07:01:00.000-07:00

This past weekend..... ridiculous. I may or may not have outed a total stranger at a house party.... I may or may not have ended my streak of going to JR's for 5 nights in a row, and my liver and wallet are thankful.... I may or may not have repeated a stride of pride/walk of shame from a similar location for the past two monday mornings in a row.

This week will be known as monastery week because aside from the gym and work I won't be leaving my condo WHICH I still need to finish decorating.... good thing I haven't been there for basically 6 months.... oh wait.

Post Monastery week we will be retiring to our country home where I will be tending to other matters that I'm far too waspy and reserved to address in this forum.... sorry darlings but trust me, it's boring anyways and as much fun as I have bitching, whining is entirely another matter and something that I abhor.

So if posting is intermittent we do apologize.... However I will leave you with a question that has been on our bejewelled head....

If you had to choose between going to Key West between christmas and new years to a glorious house and have a week of laying on the beach and fun or going to Capetown South Africa next year sometime for maybe 2 weeks which would you pick??? The only thing I'd have to pay for the entire time in both cases would be a plane ticket btw.

Friday Five Adios Summertime!!

2006-09-01T07:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Summer, Thank you for imparting me with your warmth and loving glow these past couple of months... I'd like to say it wasn't time for you to leave but I will enjoy walking from my condo to other fabulous locales without my arms stretched out in order to quell the absorption of sweat into my couture. You did however teach me some very valuable lessons and I would be remiss if I didn't give credit where credit is due.

1). Working in retail as a supplementary source of something to do on the weekends is good for only one thing. Discounts. Don't do it for the money cuz it will be marginal, don't do it to make friends, it's going to be mostly pretentious douchebags that work there. Therefore if you decide to work in a retail location pick the one with the best discounts.... mine was 70%..... eat that up b*tches... 98 dollar polo was 29 bucks..... super sweet.

2). Since it's summer the chance that you'll be seen on the arm of someone whom you may not have wanted to be seen with because you had a little drinky poo is very high as more people are outside. I suggest bringing a friend along to act as a filter before stepping out into the dispensaries of alcohol. Although if your friend gets drunk too you're pretty much eff'd.... just try not to make out on the street, that's tacky.

3). Going tubing with a group of friends is the perfect way to while away a lazy sunday. The only things that make it better are putting booze into the mix and perhaps going au naturale....

4). Ray Ban Sunglasses will never be in style.... ever.... again. I don't care if they were the tits in 1992 with the requisite lime green croakie around your neck. Please throw them away or I'm going to stand behind you and softly hum the theme song to Miami Vice and perform the awkward robot dance.

5). As hard as I tried, and for as many edicts and fatwa's that I issue there was still a cornucopia of men that wore Jean shorts, Visors, and sandals that incorporated buckles and more straps than the Leather Rack. Summer please take these heinous articles of clothing with you so that my eyes aren't burned by their blatant lack of taste.

I am so ready for fall, bring on the cardigans and blazers!!!!

SOOOOO MANY QUESTIONS

2006-08-31T10:19:00.000-07:00

I.... by nature.... am quite inquisitive...and as I sat contemplating the purple sunset last night and having a nice glass of Johnny Walker black (how butch am I?) I was pondering several little smatterings, maybe you have the answers.... maybe they're just mysteries for the ages.

Is it acceptable to wear a ballcap and glasses on a date?? Is it weird that I might do it anyways?

Why is it that I became almost offended at JR's on Sunday by being called "exotic" not once, not twice but three times.... like I'm half peacock or something..... next time somebody's going to get a fresh one in the pie hole.

Why do some men build up their bodies thinking that it makes up for their busted faces?

After reading it in T-shirt form.... does "Plow Boy" mean you are the plow-er or the plow-ee?

Why did I think doing shots with Mr. Henry last night was a good choice? why do I EVER think they're a good choice?

Why do people visit the WWII memorial and take pictures only next to their home state like it's the coolest thing in life??

Is it wrong that I'm afraid that I'm going to get shanked each and every time I'm invited to go to Chaos by someone??? oh that's right, because there are some scary characters up in there.

Deep like a kiddie pool

2006-08-29T08:20:00.000-07:00

This weekend was spent partially in recluse at the rents house with some QT family time with my grandfather and crazy great aunt, who, managed to insult 2 waitresses and the owner of the restaurant we were patronizing on Saturday.... thankfully the waitresses and the owner only speak broken english and couldn't speak Japanese so I don't know if "you know if you ate more vegetables you wouldn't be so heavy" translated. Plus my great aunt turned 90 this past week, so if all goes well in 2072 I will also be a wrinkled old person with so much jewelery on my arms and neck I can barely lift my head and arms who can call wait staff fat and get away with it.

I spent Saturday evening hanging out by myself watching some good ole fashioned cable and thinking about stuff and things, as I'm want to do at times and something that happened recently that's been bothering me kept popping up in my head. I was out at a local establishment recently and one of the barstaff gave me kind of a back handed compliment and told me that he remembered when I used to come in and be all smiles and that I had a very nice smile and it's a shame he hasn't seen me smile in a long time.

What happened to my smile??? I still haven't figured that one out but I'll be damned if I'm not gonna find it again. I guess I may have been letting a couple things bother the crap out of me to the point where I've become unecessarily stressed out and unhappy, however, key things to remember can consist of:

1). Not knowing what you want to do for the rest of your life at 24 is ok.

2). The fact that grad school might not happen on your schedule isn't the worst thing in the world and it doesn't make you stupid.

3). Everyone wants a better job that pays more, get in line lady you aren't unique.

After my reflective period I balanced out the rest of the weekend by going back to my condo, watching a special on Queen Elizabeth's Jewelery and going out and trying to recapture my smile because after all, you catch more bees with honey than you do with vinegar, no matter how well sculpted vinegar's cheekbones are :).

Friday Five.... Dale Says....

2006-08-25T06:55:00.000-07:00

Don't you love the Confucius Says fortunes in fortune cookies??? Don't you wish there were sayings that were relevant to your life?? Don't you wish they had that little bit of sass that only the most fabulous can dole out??? well.....

1). Dale Says: The best laid plans of mice and men are soon to go awry if you introduce two high gravity olde english 40's into your body.

2). Dale Says: After getting home and deciding not to go out after waking up from your excursion in 40-town, it is always a good idea to pour yourself a drink and watch The Joy Luck Club and re-connect with the strong asian woman inside.

3). Dale Says: The crockpot is the best invention of the modern age, you can do no wrong with a crockpot, it is glorious.

4). Dale Says: It doesn't matter if John Karr is guilty of killing Jon Benet or not. He's creepy as hell and shouldn't be allowed in public.

5). Dale Says: It is perfectly acceptable to light a candle and have a moment of silence when you try to fit into your jeans from 5 years ago and find that they no longer will fit over your bum, and then get yourself a cocktail to dull the deep emotional scar. PS I'm still not sure if this is good that they don't fit anymore or bad...

Double Trouble

2006-08-24T07:07:00.000-07:00

Darlings, something was brought to our regal attention this morning that necessitates sharing with y'all. One of my friends (Sebastian) forwarded me this article by ABC news on the predictions of an impending draft in this little "situation" that our "president" has us involved in. Now don't ask don't tell being what it is, you might think that we of the more sparkly persuasion would be safe from harm.... but I'm thinking that Bushy will be doing away with that one and looking for any warm body to fill a pair of combat boots.

Now, in discussing with Sebastian about this issue he posed that there would be all gay units a la tuskeegee airmen and 442nd fame.... and the thought immediately jumped into my head of "Operation Get Behind the Darkies" and this lady won't be having any of that mess.

If we were to have all gay units however, and I'm assuming they'd be co-ed I have come up with several strategies that hopefully would keep us all in one piece while we were forced to listen to our "fearless leader"

Operation Vaginal Fury: Our Sapphic sisters would be on the front lines of this one. Nothing says scared crapless like a muslim man who has spent his whole life subjugating women being faced with a female who has biceps bigger than his thigh carrying an ak-47 with a bayonet on the tip. These lovely ladies would be closely followed by our drag queen contingent.... who, while having an average height of about 6'7" with heels and wig, would be able to handle any stragglers that the lovely lesbians left behind.

Operation Marry a European: This one's pretty self explanatory..... let's see... mass weddings in spain in Tenerife or Gran Canaria??? Or perhaps La Cote D'Azur??Anyone?? I call dibs on preferrably a Gentleman of similar social rank so I can there-forthwith be known as Princess Consort [Dale] of hereford-lancaster-shire and Sweden and DC, Queen of the Realm and defender of the Gin.

Operation Happy Hour: Now I know that the muslim world bars the consumption of alcohol but how many of those soldiers you think has a little nippy poo stashed away somewhere??? I for damn sure would if I had to look like that 24/7 without an aesthetician on speed dial. Anyways this plan pretty much centers around challenging them to a drinking contest which they will obviously accept because what chauvinist doesn't fancy themselves a better drinker than a light in the loafers queen???? that's when we drink them under the table and when they're all passed out we tie them up.... and I know some of you S&M queens out there know your way around a rope and some chains.....

We could also.... I dunno.... withdraw from Iraq in entirety.... but then what would he have to blame the ills of the world on??? and Pat Robertson already blamed Katrina on the gays...

Conspiracy Theory

2006-08-24T05:36:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure about a couple of things, the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot and the Grassy Knoll not-withstanding......

I'm pretty sure that last night on Project Runway Michael Kors couldn't find his mother so he had Karl Lagerfeld dress up in drag and pretend to be icy and german, which is obviously a stretch for a man that thinks nazi leather is the fabric of our lives much like cotton. Let's review the evidence

Here we have Michael and his "Mother" aka K-Lag

And here we have Karly-Karl....... and can't you hear him giving birth to Michael Kors....

Karl: [in deep german] I am over this whole "creating life" thing. It's so last season

Nurse: Mr. Lagerfeld, it's a beautiful Baby boy... you should name it Michael Kors!!!

Karl: (Looks at Baby) it's kind of fat, go get some coke from one of my models and put some stormtrooper boots on that thing, I want her ready for my fall show.

Nurse: But.... it's a boy, and he can't walk yet.

Karl: I'm over you (whips out fan and b*tch smacks nurse with it)

The other conspiracy theory I've got brewing is that I think that at my gym there are people who are paid by the governing company just to go and stand around to either make the gym seem more attractive/athletic, or to make the patrons feel bad enough about themselves so that they either whip themselves into shape or stop going but continue to pay their dues. I have yet to see any of them actually work out, instead of standing around looking at themselves in the mirror.....not that I haven't been sneaking a peek myself. However I've developed a great solution to foil their plans to influence me...... I leave my glasses in the lockerroom..... which probably would have been a better plan had I not walked into not one, but two machines yesterday..... I bet I looked real slick..... that'll show those bastards.

I feel like I missed the memo

2006-08-23T08:26:00.001-07:00

I feel like everyone and their mother is breaking up/ being broken up with this week.

I feel like not getting on the steady summer-lovin gravy train was perhaps not the worst choice I've ever made.

I believe I'm a very seasonal dater. I always seem to have something going on in the oven fall/winter/spring but never the summer.... I think I've figured it out.

Spring: Free from the doldrums of winter we are reminded of the beginnings of life.... and where does all life begin? with sex, and where does all sex begin..... with a cocktail... I mean... with men. One is prone to the itch.

Summer: I've never understood the summer romance phenomenon outside of meeting guys whilst I was a lifeguard or at a camp setting. During the summer it's all about hanging out with my friends and doing crazy sh*t, which at least for me is less so when a sig-other is involved. Plus I feel like many "date" activities in the summer are outdoor centered and I don't go on dates where I sweat, at least not till after the meal.

Fall: I feel like fall is a wonderful restaurant month, a great time in which to "meet for coffee" or "dinner and a movie." It's not cold enough where being outside is a hassle but not warm enough that you feel all sweaty and gross.

Winter: I like having a GC around to keep me warm and bring me hot cocoa and watch movies. I'm delicate like a flower....don't judge me.

Now that fall is fast approaching I better get on my applicant screening process.....hmmmm now I just have to schedule interviews......

Cuhhhraaaazy@!!!!@!

2006-08-22T06:01:00.000-07:00

Has anyone else been privy to the crazy war that's been ensuing via craigslist over the fact that gentlemen at the duplex diner are wearing clothes from Abercrombie and Fitch?? Yes, apparently for those of you that aren't cool like me and stalk craigslist missed connections, the synopsis is that a bunch of chilluns are b*tching that the men at duplex aren't dressing their age and the men at duplex most of whom are 37+ apparently are b*tching at the chilluns because they should be able to wear "stylish" clothes..... and then there are those that think we should all hold hands and sing kumbayah

Let me break it down for you.

A&F hasn't been stylish since 2000. Sorry... just hasn't. I know it takes a while for everyone to realize but the whole frat boy look? yeah it's done.... it's over....

Now onto the warring factions:

E-Tard Chilluns: I'm sorry but I think it's time y'all stopped sniffing your body glitter, yes duplex attracts older men, and apparently your grave-robbing selves have been interested enough to not only go, but been sober enough to remember what people were wearing because someone wasn't buying your pink belt wearing selves a drink. It's ok darlings, I'd be bitter too if nobody paid any attention to me, thankfully I don't know what that's like. Oh, ps.... little tip, wearing shirts from contempo casual and AE girls section that say things like "princess" and "diva"..... yeah not gonna lie.... just as bad.

37+ Men in Abercrombie: Wonderful, you spend your lives at the gym in order to compensate for the fact that when you actually were in your twenties people called you a F@g. I'm glad you can fill out a t-shirt.... really.... I enjoy. However, wearing clothes in a non-athletic setting that say things like A&F Athletic club 1945 or whatever isn't stylish, it isn't now, it just.... isn't. You would honestly have better luck capturing your youth by eating baby placenta. Also just a little tip from me to you..... a man with a nice body in a dress shirt or polo would melt my butter a million times more than some gym bunny in a shirt that says "Seabrook County Wrestling Squad" with a little A&F logo on the breast... just trying to help y'all out. Oh PS... another giveaway, when y'all tuck that sleeveless T into your jeans.... that's just a crime against the baby jesus.

Kumbayah Dirty Hippies: Gays? Judging Each Other? Get the heck out of here!!!! Lemme guess darlings, y'all have "great personalities" and enjoy to talk for hours about.....ummmm.... I dunno.... holding hands??? Gays by nature are a judgmental group of queens no matter what age, shape, or size, I suggest y'all better sharpen your claws and have better arguments than "we should all just get along" or you're going to get all y'all torn a new one.

It's a good thing I'm not still miserable and congested...........

I guess I'm just not that young anymore

2006-08-21T17:33:00.000-07:00

This stupid sinus infection is bugging the poop out of me, I haven't been able to go to the gym in a week due to the medicine-head sensation I've been under.

I WAS banking on my plan of OD'ing on herbal tea and sleeping in several layers of clothes and under comforters to sweat my "visitor" out of my sinus cavities.... I will call her gloria.... Gloria is getting deported back to Cuba VERY soon.

I WAS planning on being better by today but the weekend rolled around and I tried to cram a month of fun into two days. Needless to say I still don't feel well and am going hermit style till this lady is back in full effect.

HOWEVER......

I was watching TV tonight and a commercial for one of the viagra knockoffs came on and so did the warning of "If you have an erection for more than four hours please go to your nearest emergency room."

My only thought??

There are a lot of scared 13 year old boys in the viewing audience right now.

Thank you.... I'll be here all week.... remember to tip your waiter.... try the veal.

Friday Five.... Good Idea/Bad Idea

2006-08-18T06:30:00.000-07:00

1). Beverages
Good Idea: Lady Co-Co making the executive decision to have a refreshing beverage before going to happy hour which may or may not have included making art out of the thirty shot glasses I attained from last weeks beach adventures.

Bad Idea: Lady Co-Co after getting the first cocktail of the evening doing a face plant on the floor after tripping up the stairs at the local alcohol distribution establishment.

2). Company
Good Idea: Having fun with the Dupont Ladies Auxillary Church Group

Bad Idea: I'm pretty sure I kept calling one of their friends a dirty boat person.... it's ok I'm ethnic, I'm allowed.

3). Food
Good Idea: Procuring food at a nearby establishment

Bad Idea: Procuring food at the glass coffin and then going home and eating leftovers.....my stomach doesn't like me right now.

4) Ex-Factor Good Idea: Having an ex buy you a drink (bombay and tonic thanks) because he hasn't seen you in a while and you look spectacular, not to mention he really really wants you.

Bad Idea: Thinking that conversation with another separate ex, whose contract you did not renew upon review of key negotiating points, was a good idea... awkward robot dance...cuzz it's sooooo awkward.

5). Post Happy Hour activities
Good Idea: Going to Blockbuster with Lady Co-Co to procure Disney watching goodness

Bad Idea: Apparently seeing a cute guy outside, and not telling Lady Co-Co where I was going, talking to cute guy while lady Co-Co almost gets arrested for freaking out in the blockbuster because I'd disappeared

Tout le monde.... ecouter moi!!

2006-08-17T05:59:00.000-07:00

Now Class... I realize that with summer's end in sight we are once again going to revive Dale's Finishing School for Gayward Boys..... Now as many of you have had summer accessorys (men) over the summer I believe we once again need to review tips on how to not date someone that isn't complimentary to you.

1). Height comparability: If he comes up to your nipple or you to his.... please for the love of the baby jesus save me the pain of having to make the david and goliath jokes to your face. If you are of the amazonian set much like am at my regal height of 6'3" I realize that this may be difficult in the liliputian city of DC, but honestly it's better than feeling like your holding hands with your niece/nephew walking down the runway.

2). The wearing of matching clothes: If your gentleman caller (GC) feels the need to go matchy matchy on your trips to the store, bar, brunch etc. I will label you as a tourist and banish you to the dirty dirty vag. Were all snowflakes people..... effing snowflakes.

3). Don't date someone with the same name as you: Don't be that guy.... just don't. *PS in college I totally dated a midget with the same name as me..... on a scale of one to bad choice, yeah. that was a bad choice.*

4). If your GC puts his hand in your back pocket when walking down the street he's done-zo: I'm sorry, holding hands... fine. one arm around anothers waist.... sure I can handle that.... the back pocket thing makes me think of bangs and fringe with acid washed tapered jeans... and do you really want to do that to people? The same is true for the fingers through the belt-loops... don't make me hurt you for that one.

5). If he lives in an outlying suburb of DC without a car: I'm sorry, even if you are automotively-capable much like I am, he should not expect you to commute from the gloriousness of the city to places like....Ballston or Clarendon.

5b). There are many reasons not to go to the Vag and Metro Weekly has done a bangup job of documenting said sadness: besides the one gentleman on the last page WHO I would bet dollars to doughnuts lives in DC or MD, there is not one person with whom I would be seen in public..... I mean I could just be being mean but was there an outreach program for the ugly and unfortunate that night???

So the take away lesson boys and more boys is: it is much better to be single and fabulous than attached to someone who will make other people want to commit acts of violence and aggression on you for disturbing the delicate gay balance of my demeanor.

blah blah blah

2006-08-16T07:13:00.000-07:00

Unfortunately I've been battling a sinus infection all week no doubt contracted from sharing shot glasses with the military boys from last weekend at the beach, and I've been unable to grace the gym with my precense thereby depriving all of the eligible men's with my ability to bend in ways that would make circus performers cry. Hopefully I will beat this horrible condition like a trailer park housewife soon and not feel like a ball of goo sitting on my couch.

Oh wait.... except I went out last night... and by out I mean myself and senor chip headed over to H. Marys (I refuse to call it Dakota Cowgirl) for some half price burgers, celebrating his return home from the land of llamas and cuy, (And yes ladies....that's a guinea pig).

Now I would just like to say turning a dive burger joint into a modern art light fixture having, campy lesbo cowgirl paint on the wall displaying, burger joint with the same menu and wait staff aint the way to go. Although for 5 bucks I'll take a burger with mushrooms and shove it in my face like I just got back from the bataan death march. Hmmmm maybe I should stop going to burger joints for first dates if I want to turn them into second dates..... although.....

Ok so here's the story... picture it.... I'm 17 and eating at CPK, a most delicious establishment directly south of Dupont Circle. I'm out, I'm single, and I also have the shame of a 17 year old which is obviously none. I get some meal that includes a dill pickle, probably pizza, anyways so the topic of gag reflexes comes up and our waiter who was not unnattractive and obviously a player for our team is very interested. I obviously start flirting with the waiter and then it happens.... he dares me to try and put the entire pickle in my mouth. I obviously ask what the hell do I get if I succeed? he said he'd give me a free meal.

I totally did it.... I totally got a free meal..... and his number.... duh.

ANYWAYS, so afterwards we traipse on over to JR's for a little drinky poo since it's on the way to both of our apt.s. I see some guy I used to date.... at this point I feel like my being embarassed at seeing people I used to date and now don't speak to is pointless because then I'd never go out at all. I also see an older gentleman who looks his age surrounded by three children who could have been no more than 19.... and who thought that jumping up and down was an appropriate way to express happiness...... if they had been within arms reach I would have reached to them, grabbed their underoos and made jumping a very unpleasant activity for them.

Also on that note....it's very sad when old gay men who look like poo surround themselves with 19 year olds with whom they have naught in common..... I half expect them to lean over and start sucking blood out of their pre-pubescent necks in a half assed attempt to regain their lost youth.

This is not saying I don't date older men....but the guys I date are A). Not ugly B) can carry conversations on topics that don't include the latest development on J-Lo and C) don't surround themselves with fetal material like I saw at JR's last night.

**We would also like to thank the several journalists (San Fran, Chicago, and DC) that have contacted us in the past couple of weeks to say nice things about this here blog..... our crowns sparkle that much more knowing y'all enjoy!!**

Welcome Home

2006-08-15T06:05:00.000-07:00

Well it's official. Senor Chip wasn't eaten by a llama or recruited into a guerilla faction while abroad in S. America. Welcome Home!!!!!

Sea....Sand...Sun

2006-08-13T17:59:00.001-07:00

Before I recount the loveliness of this weekend I would just like to say that I just learned that K-Fed is performing at the Teen Choice Awards.... Four horsemen? Apocalypse?? Anyone? Anyone??

On the Friday after a lovely workout (working out is the new therapy) I left our fair haven and traversed to GayDC light.... otherwise known as the Delaware shore to my uncle's beach house.

While laying out in the glorious glorious sun on saturday I saw a pod of dolphins playing out not too far from the shore, one of my cousins said lets go and swim near them..... I told him he was retarded and that he should park his pasty white butt where it was. I'll grant him I'm sure it evokes memories of flipper etc. however the last time I did that all of a sudden I got a panic attack and I flashed back to memories of the award winning show "when animals attack" and I'll bet dollars to doughnuts I'd be that guy that got speared by the cute cuddly dolphins and the headline would read..... "Gorgeous beachgoer, who had previously caused whiplash on the beach with so many head turns, and who was obviously touched with a bit of the downs made the mistake of swimming with wild animals." And people would laugh.... and I wouldn't blame them.

My cousin had brought a lady friend to the beach so in an effort get to know her better we went to the local bar, where we met some military-esque gentlemen who made the mistake of playfully challenging us to go shot for shot with them..... why straight men feel the need to be so foolish around me to impress me is something that is very beyond me.... especially when I go shot for shot with them till one of them pukes and they have to buy all the shots and I got to keep the shot glasses...... who now has 30 tiki shot glasses in their possession??? mmmmhmmm that's right b*tches.

Sunday I spent the day mentally judging people on the beach, some people read, I judge. Ugly swimsuits? check. Unfortunate haircuts with bangs and bad perms? check. Groups of straight guys that like to work out and then go to the beach and stand around looking at each other but not actually interacting with any members of the opposite sex or going in the water? check. Fat-ill behaved children? check.

And my weekend was complete.

Friday Five..... Tales from the Bar

2006-08-11T05:57:00.000-07:00

Shocker among shockers..... I joined several ladies out last night for the all you can drink for 9$ on thursday event. Don't judge me, I'm a government contractor lemming with a mortgage... momma's gotta budget. However myself and other DC blogger Royalty noticed much to our chagrin several trends that seem to be sweeping through our fair kingdom...

1). Midgets: Now, I realize that I'm 6'3" I really do. I also realize that most people are shorter than I am. However there were at least 10 if not more gentlemen under the height of 5'5". I kinda wanted to go up to one and pat them on the head..... or rest my drink on it. They probably wouldn't have liked that. I kinda wanted to go up to one of them and say...."Is it secret? is it safe?"

2). This gentleman sauntered into the bar around 7 oclock in the evening..... leather pants.... not leather bar..... 7 pm...... let's review.....
*PS did I have any shame whipping out my handy dandy camera phone to record this moment for posterity??? I'm gonna go ahead and say absolutely not!!*

3). We observed one gentleman who I believe is in his early 40's being surrounded...and I mean in a circle with a group of children who still had pieces of placenta hanging off them. I obviously drew myself up to my full regal glory and gave him the stare of disapproval because there's something very unsettling about that scene...this is a time when the word icky is appropriate to describe the situation. I'm not opposed to age gaps in relationships.... but when you're an obviously older, mature gentleman, you should NOT be hanging out with groups comprised solely of children who can't remember the Thundercats.

4). Now I will once again say how I abhor...ABHOR being pigeonholed for being asian, I'm 6'3"and only half...HALF!!! A gentleman last night came up to myself and Lady Co-Co and began hitting on me like it was going out of style. Apparently he has a "thing" for asian guys. Now ok I understand having a "type" but to say that in convo with someone you just met is kinda awkward and uncomfortable. I will say this for the man however, he did get points for procuring drinks for both myself AND Lady Co-co upon introducing himself.... little tip... get in with the friends and your stock goes way up.

5). Hookup Cards (business cards that only have the name, phone number, and email address on them, sometimes containing address of residence). I received one last night and this gentleman did not hand it to me.....oh no that would have been toooooo easy. How did he do it you ask?? came right up behind me and slipped it riiiight into my back-pocket while he copped himself a feel.... what IS it with people and my butt recently? Anyways after I removed his hand and gave him my ice queen stare of death he leaned in and said.... "I just wanted to make sure you had my number." This is the same guy that said he liked Asian guys. I thought that the gracious acceptance of his libation would have ended my interaction with him.... I was sadly mistaken.... I really need to re-open my application process for gentleman callers.

PS. Lady Co-Co and I may have been really excited and told Hookup card guy that we were going to be watching Mary Poppins last night.... we might have been a little drunk.

PPS. Blockbuster was out of Mary Poppins.... who does that?

PPPS. We settled on love actually, ate greasy chinese food, and were asleep by 11.

Intervention.... DC Style

2006-08-10T05:54:00.000-07:00

I heart heart HEART the show Intervention...... whomever came up with the idea to make crack addicts more entertaining than watching them pee on themselves in Dupont needs to be commended. PS watching it while having a nice martini makes me a little uncomfortable but a little satisfied at the same time.

However, I believe the scope of this show is a little narrow for my tastes.... therefore I would like to make it more applicable to the Gay-DC lifestyle.... the topics I would like to address are:

The gentleman that only drinks libations that are fuschia, orange, pink, or aqua colored in martini glasses: Lady.... you are not on sex and the city and your name is not Samantha Jones. The drinks that you are pouring down your throat, while may coordinate with your outfit du jour, make you look like a tool. You are also not a woman who enjoys sipping arbor mist by the ocean. This intervention would consist of REAL martinis and shots of jameson and/or beer.... and if michelob ultra light is brought out god help whomever supplied that heinous substance. *I would just like to note that I'm about as close to butch as Sally Struthers is to a Jenny Craig... so for me to dictate such things obviously denotes a dire need*

The gentleman whose idea of a pickup line is dropping the name of whatever senator/office he works for as if that makes up for the fact that he's squat and busted: Sir.... I'm pretty, I'm not dumb, my IQ doesn't match my waist size thanks. I understand you work for a Senator and have an inflated job title and ego. Thank you for serving my country. If you want to talk to someone please start it off with something other than talking about inane appropriations bills and how integral you were in the implementation of memoranda A-Q. I don't care. Also.... using big words and endless acronyms in a city like DC to impress people is a waste of time so please refrain. This intervention would probably just involve a jewel-encrusted slap to the face and a forceful "STOP IT....BAAAAAAD GAY."

The Gentleman who apparently spends all his free time exposing every possible part of his skin to the sun and then goes tanning at night: Hi friend..... last time I checked you weren't Hawaiian, Tahitian, or even Brazilian..... the fact that your skin now matches your kenneth cole knockoff loafers is not, I repeat NOT a positive thing. Not only does the deep contrast to your pastel polo which is inevitably popped make you look a wee bit touched with the downs, but it makes those of us who are naturally olive skinned irate at the fact that you have tried to emulate our look and horribly horribly gone astray. Be proud of your pastiness.... I hear it's the new hotness in Canada. This intervention would be in a treatment facility without windows and tanning products along with group sessions to discover the inner caucasian within.

I feel my additions could really spice up the A&E channel.....

Pretty Bird

2006-08-09T11:26:00.000-07:00

I have horrible decision making skills.... I'm just saying

Credit Cards: After the Mumsy/Daddykins credit card in my name, I applied and received my very first credit card on the basis that it had Van Gogh's starry night on it (and don't act like you queens don't know EXACTLY which card I'm talking about). I have since gotten two more credit cards, one because it supports the HRC and the other because the american express clear one with the hologram is uber cute. Do I know my interest rates or any of those NPR words or anything on any of them?? surely not. Have I used a credit card in over a year? surely not. I just like them because they're pretty.

Cars: For personal reasons, I, Dale, will always drive a Buick automobile. While studying abroad in london I bought a car to have when I got back to the states. Did I ask questions about gas mileage?? nope. Did I ask questions about ummmm mechanical stuff??? nope still.... I just wanted a car that was my school colors..... cuz I rule.

I'm not saying I'm an idiot... I'm just saying that I might be searching on craigslist soon for a personal advisor on such issues.

Hail Mary, Full of Grace

2006-08-08T05:21:00.000-07:00

I knew it was genetic.

My mother drunk dialed me. Post martinis and dinner (which includes the wine) to tell me that my first nanny who cared for me until I was 2 called my mother to tell her about what she was doing... apparently my mom didn't really care... until the woman said that every night her family got together to say the rosary and that they counted me in their prayers every night...and the following conversation ensued:

Dale: Mom...how much have you had to drink?
Mumsy: Your father just bough a case of the finest.... DON"T CHANGE THE SUBJECT.
Dale: Well, you do realize I don't remember these people right?
Mumsy: Well they mean well, they were wonderful when you were little.. don't judge them.
Dale: I bet if you told them I was gay they wouldn't include me in their rosary
Mumsy: Oh hush, they're catholic not retarded.
Dale: What does that have to do with it?
Mumsy: [Dales father] did you only open the one bottle????

Moral of the story.... if you have gay children... start a newsletter or the help will never know what's going on.

Well alllllrighty then.....

2006-08-07T05:07:00.000-07:00

We won't even go into friday night..... suffice it to say I was in bed by 10 and asleep by 10:15.

Saturday I thought it would be a good idea to work off what made me in bed by 10 on a friday at the gym by running a couple miles.... yeah apparently that was not a good idea. Thankfully an iced latte quickly alleviated the situation as I walked back to my condo in the sublime weather. Not one to waste a fantastic day I decided to lay out on my roofdeck in the same shorts I wore to the gym with a good book and my grotto's novelty thermal mug full of delectable libation.

I might have laid out too long without the assistance of sunscreen. That may have been a bad choice. I may be regretting that now. Although since I'll be at the beach this coming weekend a base tan/burn is pretty much required, and I'm very much healed.... although saturday night and sunday the term "rock lobster" may have been thrown about.

Saturday night and I traversed to yet another straight bar in the city with a bunch of friends and enjoyed the spoils of an open bar which is glorious and economically efficient!! However at said bar a trend that started on thursday has been continued in what can only be termed as a trend of craziness.

Picture it, I'm talking to a lady, as I do, in the hallway between two of the bars in the establishment. A group containing a busted gay gentleman and his 5' tall hag walk by. The hag, winds up in apparently was only described as a three stooges maneuver and slaps me square on the butt. I whip around with the speed of a hummingbird on coke with my eyes ablaze with the fury of a thousand suns and she immediately looks like I've got a gun pointed directly at her pock-marked face and I said.... "I'm sorry, what the hell was that and who the f*ck are you?" To which she started stammering and said "oh I'm sooo sorry, I just really wanted to touch your butt." I went on to describe in no uncertain terms why that was A) inappropriate and B) not going to get her anywhere. However, I do know that if you need your hag to inappropriately hit on guys that you have no chance with then I'm betting you're single and staying that way.

The next person that does something like that gets a fresh one to the face.... I'm tired of this bs.

Friday Five..... bye bye week HELLO weekend!!!

2006-08-04T05:24:00.000-07:00

1). It always makes me laugh when non-district drivers try to play the "lets switch lanes lots of times because that will make me able to get to my destination so much faster than everyone else" game. It makes me laugh because then you look over at the other DC drivers who are just cruising along with the same thought in their heads. "B*tch, you aint gonna get where you going any faster than the rest of us, just slow up and stop acting a fool, yes the metro bus will cut you off... deal with it."

2). I ended my 6 week hiatus of going out to gay bars last night with a sojourn to JR's. What happened?? A man who was legitimately a midget meaning less than 5 feet tall, walked past me and grabbed my bum to which my friends lauged heartily and asked me why I didn't give him the stare of death or yell at him the way I do to people who aren't "little people." I replied with.... "well if my butt was eye level with me I'd probably want to touch it too, besides, hasn't the baby jesus punished that man enough?"

3). I saw a bumper sticker that read "I don't mind straight people as long as they act gay." I wanted to get out of my car, go up to that woman, make her roll down her window and smack her with my jewel-encrusted hand. There's being proud, and then there's being tacky. I'm a big fan of the "hate is not a family value" genre of pride bumper stickers, and you can be as rainbow-tacular as you see fit, but don't have dumb sayings on your car that are an effort to support my civil liberties.... I will cut you.

4). Tourist season is almost over for a while!!!! I pray each night to the baby jesus that they all get their fanny packs stolen and return to Kansas or wherever they hail from with stories of the 'big city' and how horrible it is and how noone should EVER visit. PS, I don't mind international tourists, it really is true that americans are the loudest most obnoxious people on god's green earth.

5). I like using the terms Dollars to doughnuts, PS, and now incorporating Sugar tits into my vernacular....

"PS, I'm gonna bet dollars to doughnuts that sugartits over there goes home with that busted guy in the corner" use it as you see fit.

Elbow Elbow Wrist Wrist Touch The Pearls And Blow A Kiss

2006-08-03T05:30:00.000-07:00

Ok.... so last night I inadvertently flipped on CMT. Don't judge me. However, instead of Keith Urban or Tim Mcgraw in jeans tighter than lycra on a fat woman they have apparently taken coverage of the Ms. America pageant. I find these pageants much like a circus side show, kinda disgusting but really fun to watch.

PS Ms. District of Columbia totally tap-danced as her talent....yes....it was a white girl with blonde hair tapdancing...... First of all you aren't Shirley Temple, secondly....yikes. If I was a contestant representing our fair district I would have made my talent something practical and relevant to DC, like finding parking in Dupont, or dodging gunfire.

That being said I got to thinking....what if there was a gay beauty pageant. I'm not talking about the shenanigans that goes on during Pride when we 'elect' a Mr. DC pride. I'm talking full on ANTM type sh*t

Eveningwear: Now I would elect to do a bit of a spin on this one. I'd give the lads an AMEX with a 500 limit and send them out to do some shopping (with an hour time frame), to go out for a night on the town. When they returned myself (duh) and a panel of judges would rate on style and content. Minus points for shorts, Minus points for anything with huge a$$ logo's on it, Minus points for sleevless T-s, minus points for man-pris..... and so on and so forth in that manner.

Swimwear: Same as the first round except for only 100 bucks. Squarecuts are immediately disqualified as well as any material that could be considered "sparkly." Points will be given on how well you chose your swimsuit for your body type. If you have a boxy body and get a speedo...you are done'zo. If you're tall and slim and get huge board shorts.... pack your bags sistah. Also color of said swimwear matching with skin tone and hair is v. important as well.

Talent: Don't sing showtunes. I don't want to see your interpretation of Swan Lake. I want new, I want fresh. Like for instance, I would accept as a talent the ability to do 3, 3 wise men shots and then be able to name all the fifty states in alphabetic order. Or be able to get from georgetown to 17th st. and find parking in under 20 minutes. You know....something that requires talent.

Interview: Finally.... the interview. The contestants would have to stand before me (in my tiara which btw is obvy better than the one they get) and answer questions such as.......

You are hosting a party whose theme is Dog Days of Summer, what cocktails do you serve and why?

or

You find out your friends current squeeze at one time moonlighted as an adult film star named backdoor billy...... how do you break the news?

So let the games begin ladies.... ps this is what I call the gay games......

What does your gym say about you???

2006-08-02T08:17:00.001-07:00

Ballys: You have recently or do live in the dirty dirty vag. You may or may not work for defense. You like to work alongside or are, people who are busted and ashamed to go to a gym where people don't look like science experiments. You are also wicked cheap and refuse to pay the 12 bucks it would be additionally to join elsewhere. You are also a chump because you signed your life away for multiply years to a busted gym.

*Note* : I at one time belonged to Ballys, in fact according to contractual obligations that shall never be mentioned in my precense, I still do. Sometimes I think about it and die a little bit on the inside.

Results: Also known as Resluts. This location, at least the 16th st. locale is a disco ball away from being a not too shabby gay dance club. This gym is the only gym I've ever been to that has hosted it's own fashion show *rolls eyes.* This gym says about you that either you live on the Hill and are therefore relegated to have nary many choices or enjoy beeing seen while you work out close to the runway. You probably carry hair product and tweezers in your gym bag and always look around before you do that extra 'rep.'

WSC: Obviously the classiest choice for the young professional. This gym says, that's right, I live in DC, I'm no nonsense, and I wanna go in and get out and please don't talk to me because I have my iPod earphones on and I'm thinking about things that are much more important than whatever you have to say to me. K Thanks Bye.

Golds: You have big muscles and use words like 'reps' and 'free weights' and 'spotting.' If you go to Golds you may or may not have a neck and biceps that are larger than my thigh. You people scare me.

Boutique Gyms: There seem to be a couple sprouting up around Dupont and Admo.... these say you are a chump because you joined a gym that has one location and probably sub par equipment.

Ow......

2006-08-01T05:25:00.000-07:00

The next time I haven't been to a gym in two months and then decided to run 5 miles followed immediately by an ab workout and followed that up by lifting of heavy things.... please take me aside and say.... honey.... no. Needless to say my body is not a happy camper.

Let me just say that the WSC that I went to yesterday was all I wanted. Nice and clean atmosphere, staff that sucked up to me without being too patronizing.... and really really hot guys.

Let me further say that I wanted to walk right up to the late 50's white woman wearing black lycra biker shorts and a bright as day purple thong over them and give her a big ole hug. Either someone convinced her that wearing that combination was ok or she hasn't updated her workout clothes since Physical fame. I'm not exactly a fashion maven at the gym, my workout clothes consisting of umbros and shirts that I've had since HS which may or may not be currently held together by unseen cotton molecules, but even I know better than purple thongs and bike shorts.

Also, as I've come to realize..... it's very very hard to walk with any sort of dignity after you run for an extended period of time and have the jelly-legs, I'm pretty sure the cute guys were thinking to themselves..."oh isn't that a shame, the gangly asian is a cripple." Yeah that'll do wonders for my social life.

PPS, I feel like the WSC might be the catalyst I've been waiting for a Missed Connection of my own, or a D-list sighting of yours truly perhaps!

Dear Ballys

2006-07-31T10:39:00.000-07:00

Dear Ballys Gym,

You suck because you won't let me out of a three year contract just because there is a ballys within a 25 mile radius of my home. Your location in the District is in the basement of a building and is in my opinion, disgusting. The bathrooms are frequently dank and smell of bad things. The tv's are never set to anything worth watching, and the dim lighting makes me sad in my heart place.

Plus, the clientele, is.... for lack of a better term.... busted. While this is less true at your location in Pentagon City, I refuse to commute to Va. to fulfill this need seeing as how I will never live again within the confines of the dirty dirty vag. I don't go to the gym for the eye candy, most times I wear glasses and leave them in my locker (because the whole rec-specs look isn't fun on me), however I'd like to exercise next to people who don't look like they're two donuts away from a Maury Povich show.

So Ballys, you may have won (for now) the battle for my hard earned money, but I will not be gracing your halls anymore, for I have joined the WSC.

PS- does anyone know the busted/cruisey factors for the WSC's surrounding dupont?

What didn't happen this weekend??

2006-07-31T06:32:00.000-07:00

This weekend was supposed to be relaxing and calm.

Apparently that wasn't in the cards.

After spending a relaxing friday night out in the country, I came back into the city to begin party version of my weekend. I went to get my haircut...... and the stylist was ummm *excited* the entire time he was cutting my hair. There arent' very many things more awkward than having your stylist's *excitement* poking you in the shoulder while he's cutting your hair. Although he did do a very good job, and was really hot.

I received not one.... but two marriage proposals this weekend. Both guys I used to date. Both of whom are currently involved with serious bf's. I sure as sh*t know how to pick em.....*rolls eyes*

I feel like it's going to be "one of those" weeks...... is it friday yet?

Friday Five..... no news is good news

2006-07-28T05:25:00.000-07:00

1). George Michael has done it once again...... he's been caught falling asleep at the wheel with a trunkfull of dildo's.... caught soliciting for sex in toilets...... and now he's been caught hooking up with a busted guy in a public park. Ummmm Hi George, I'm [Dale], now I'm sure if you wanted to, you could afford for a professional escort that didn't look homeless to come to you or to a pre-determined location, just a thought. Plus, if I were your bf, I wouldn't dump you, but you'd be setting up some major trusts in my name plus there would be gifts of real-estate, diamonds, and mink..... so I could be sad in comfort.

2). After reading this article, it became abundantly clear what is happening.... child star feeling the end of his tenure is nigh has decided to bolster his career with a "artistic performance" in which he will be naked. Look out kids, in the next ten years I think we'll be seeing him palling around with corey feldman on the surreal life.

3). When I'm 104 and have become a multi-bazillionaire through well placed marriages, I will never ever let this happen. I will make sure that not only will I be shuttled between my different properties on a regular basis..... but that any staffing changes in my personal staff not be left to a single person.... especially if that person has anything to gain from my obscene wealth.

4). If you are dumb enough to think this is a good idea then you deserve whatever comes your way.... whatever happened to the basics of alcohol and ciggarettes?

5). This is a serious article I'm sure.... but I still can't get past the title..... First thought in my head? "I'm sure it does, about three meals a day"..... it's ok for me to say something like that.... I'm asian.

*PS I'm still sick from last weekend..... if someone wants to make me soup in bed and rent me some movies that'd be great..... thanks*

I want to linger oooooooooo a little longer oooooo I want to linger here with you

2006-07-27T06:30:00.000-07:00

Summer.... beach..... lifeguards...... Delaware..... Summer Camp.

from the time I was 9 till I was about 13, myself and one of my friends and I would go to the same summer camp on the Delaware shore, Camp Arrowhead. Yes, my parents sent me to a church camp for WASPY children while they vaca'd across the bay in Rehomo.... get over it. After camp every year I'd join them and all the other families would gasp at my bug bitten body as I scarfed Grotto Pizza and Thrashers Fries like there was no tomorrow on the beach.

However, while I was learning about the Baby Jesus by making God's Eyes with popsicle sticks and being filled with Christ's love through song, I learned valuable life lessons that still hold true today which include:

1). Peeing on dead pine needles make them black.

2). If your mom sends you baggies of delectable chocolate chip cookies, supply and demand automatically applies and you can get at least 5$ for a sandwich bag filled with 4 or 5 cookies... ps mutiply that by two care packages and I made like 60-70 bucks. I rule.

3). Horseshoe crabs while harmless look like aliens that will suck out your brain, however a fun game can be the "how far can you toss the horseshoe crab" game.

4). If you catch your counselor having sex, you can blackmail them into doing all your "chores" for you for the remainder of your stay.... that'll teach that bastard to put me in charge of cleaning the dishes.

5). Necessity will teach you real quick how to, build a toilet, start a fire, start a fire the next morning with no matches, build a table, and prime a water pump.... all things that I still know how to do. I'm a hatchet and a flannel away from being a lumberjack, except for the whole not thing.

6). If someone in your cabin finds a tick on his no no spot and everyone finds out, it is your duty to laugh at that person until you're crying while he's telling you the story of how the female nurse had to go at his wing wang with a pair of pointy forceps to get the whole bug out.

7). Having a "girlfriend" at summer camp meant sitting next to them at the group campfire and maybe during the fireworks..... thank god there was no kissing involved. PS who had a blonde hair blue eyed gf at summercamp that was already starting to "develop"? you guessed it.... I'm a pimp.

Unclean...... UNCLEAN!!!!!!!

2006-07-26T06:06:00.000-07:00

So ok..... last night.... around 3:30 in the morning, I was disturbed from my oh so enjoyable slumber by a small noise and a little tickle on my shoulder. I calmly looked over and then proceeded to freak out and scream at decibels that I'm sure only canines can hear.

A big fat roach was crawling on my shoulder.

Now, I live on the top floor of my building. I keep my kitchen, and apartment very very clean on a regular basis. I don't leave food lying around and I don't live in a state of filth. I did however proceed to go through every nook and cranny of my apartment until 4:45 to make sure that the roach did not bring any of his friends, and I also stuffed an old sweater underneath the front door, where I'm pretty sure the roach came from. The entire time in my head the monologue of "unclean, unclean" was playing over and over and over and over.

I have a problem with bugs.... leave me alone. They make my skin crawl. and not all types of bugs, just the ones that crawl.... flies don't bother me, hell at summer camp I used to let mosquitos bite me and wait until they stick their probocis in and then flex your muscle and watch them explode as well as have contests with my friends to see how many horseflies we could kill in a set amount of time (ps those things hurt like whoah)...... yeah I was a sick kid.

I have a serious problem with spiders and roaches. I think roaches just say to me dirty and gross, plus animals that swarm really REALLY make me uncomfortable.

Ok but I have a real reason for being afraid of spiders. I wouldn't read this if you're planning on eating anytime soon.... or maybe use this as the new diet?? the "disgust yourself out of eating" diet.

Anyways.... picture it.... Montgomery County 1993.... I'm 11 and having a slumber party and the junk food is abounding. My parents inadvertently let me rent This Movie and relegate me and my friends to the basement so that they can sleep and not hear us scream like little girls.

The movie is scary.... yes.... but nothing too out of the ordinairy that 4 - 11 year old boys can't handle.

Apparently I fall asleep sometime later with a blow pop in my mouth.

Apparently that attracts ants.

I wake up a couple hours later with a steady stream of ants crawling in my mouth and out my nose and vice versa.

I become so scared that I can't scream, I'm just clawing at my face to get them out of me as I feel them falling down my throat and crawling in my nasal passages.

I then reclaim my ability to scream and I scream so loud I wake the neighbors on both sides of our house that think someone is getting killed. My parents run downstairs and start making me gargle with mouthwash and everytime I spit out more ants come out.....

I hate spiders... I hate things that crawl.... funnily enough ants don't bother me that much... although I still get really uncomfortable when I see a swarm of them.

I'm calling the building people today.... they will be getting rid of this problem or I will be getting a replacement door with a rubber barrier at the bottom to keep anything from getting in.

Damn the Man

2006-07-25T06:44:00.000-07:00

Effing damn the DC DMV and their speed traps, which take two weeks to alert you to the fact that you've been caught by one, allowing you to accrue, in my case, currently, 150 bucks of speed trap tickets. Sweet DC, Effing sweet.

I thought we were friends, I haven't once thrown a discarded jumbo slice plate onto your streets, nor sullied them with empty cans of (beer/sparks/pop). Public urination and I surely don't occur in your district.... to the best of my knowledge (some nights you're just going to have to give me the benefit of the doubt that I didn't know exactly where I was).

I would just like to say that this may or may not be determined as domestic violence because I live within your diamond-esque borders. I'm saddened that you need to bleed me dry with your talk of "speed limits" which, as we all know are in my case, suggestions. I drive a Buick Lesabre named Bertha for crying out loud, give a brother a break.

Things that I would have done with that 150 dollars that would have improved DC would have included

New outfit + Mani-Pedi (no nail polish, just a trim/buff job): This would have made DC more attractive, as now I will sit in jumanji watching HBO to the tune of Princess Diaries 2, and The Notebook on a continuous loop.

Support local business: Sushi Taro followed by (insert name of alcohol dispensing establishment here). Now I will be forced to eat Ramen and watch HBO to the tune of Not without my daughter (One womans struggle), and 15 and pregnant on the lifetime network.

So right now DC, we are not on good terms.... I will be expecting gifts in the form of prime parking, you subconciously directing all the attractive men to me at times when I look hot (all times except saturday and sunday mornings before 2).

And please no more tickets.... I'm a corporate peon, with a mortgage.

Beach trip 2k6 v1.0

2006-07-24T05:04:00.000-07:00

So myself and 7 of my friends went to the beach this weekend (and we were all sad that Chip is still overseas and unable to join) and here's a little taste-er-rooof the events that unfolded

I and my car-mate may have stopped for dinner at a Mom&Pop in the town above, and waited FOREVER for sub-par subs, that'll teach me to support local business.

I may or may not have gone out with my friends to the bars of Dewey. I may or may not have done a shot called a mexican airforce shot which apparently is a shot of tequilla followed by a kamikaze shot followed by several drinks in plastic cups. This may or may not have been followed by me and two of my friends who are hot chicks thinking it was a great idea to go swimming in the ocean in our underwear and finding out we were all wearing matching black underwear, and then having a group shower, ps we totally looked like the Chris Isaac Wicked Game Video. This was classified as the "Real World Dewey" moment of the evening.

I may or may not have shared one bedroom with 7 other people. I may or may not have been one of 2 people to actually sleep on a bed with a mattress.... duh it's me. I have classified the situation as the 'Meth Lab' moment of the evening.

UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, if you want food do not eat at the Purple Parrot. Well ok, if you just want to sit around and watch really hot wait staff then you're golden but if you want any type of service then go somewhere else. I obvy ordered two bloody mary's instead of one just in case the hot waiter got "confused" while walking around.

I may or may not have happened upon a lifeguard only game of ultimate frisbee. I may or may not have almost wet myself at the sight of 40 hot, shirtless, tanned lifeguards tackling each other in pursuit of a frisbee.....

My parents and godparent rented a house that sleeps 20 people. At most at all times maybe 12 people will be in the house, they just like the space, so I rolled 8 deep, it's what I do. Anyways I found out that this is how my dad and godfather talk to the renting person to find them a house

Renting person: What type of house are you gentlemen looking for.
Dad+Goddad: We would like the biggest, newest house that is closest to the beach as possible, but not near the main strip, we don't want the beach to be crowded.

Did I mention I love my daddy and god-daddy kins.

I may or may not have gone from gin and tonics to martinis to beer and to wine. This may or may not have produced me being blackout and very annoying to my friends. I thank the baby jesus that they are all still talking to me after I poured wine on my cousin on purpose and throwing sand up one of my friends dress.

I may or may not have done the following things on sunday:

Taken a picture at the above location on the way back for obvious reasons
Stopped at a local farmers market (it's obvy delish)
had a dance party with the same girls that I went skivvy dipping on friday night over the bay bridge to Aqua's Barby Girl and Shania's that don't impress me much

I may or may not be in de-tox for the forseeable future.... my body is not in a good place.

Friday Five..... FOOOOOD!!!

2006-07-20T08:26:00.000-07:00

1). At some point this week, after being at a bar with a group of friends, I left and was escorted home by a gentleman as the mean streets of 18th and Columbia are no place for a 24 year old.... hold your horses a sec..... anyways this gentleman is tall, dark, and handsome, and it was obvious that he would have been amenable to being given a grand tour of my private chambers. However apparently somewhere between the bar and my apt. I became fixated on Peanut Butter toast (Jif obvy) and promptly dismissed the handsome gentleman in lieu of 7 pieces of Peanut Butter Toast... apparently my love for PBT outweighs my wanting to entertain a gentleman....hmmmm.... maybe alcohol had something to do with that decision??

2). When I was 9 my family took me and my sister to DisneyWorld, land of dreams. I may or may not have had a stuffed version of Wicket, and may or may not own both Battle for Endor and Caravan of Courage... don't judge me. ANYWAYS my parents took me to a buffet which had *gasp* SEAFOOD. Now I'm a seafood junkie, I love steamed shrimp with old bay, steamed crabs with old bay, steamed mussels and clams drowning in butter, raw oysters... the list goes on. In any event they had steamed shrimp at this buffet. We were there for 3 hours and in that time my nine year old body ate upwards of 3.5 pounds of shrimp. A waiter actually came over to my parents and said that there was a pool going to see when I'd puke. I didn't puke. I'm awesome. Stupid boy.......

3). I am not a picky eater. I will try and usually inhale anything once. That being said I hate hotdogs, and shut up you b*tchy queens, I can hear you from here. Anyways one night the cook made these icky cylindrical monstrosities for me and my sister for dinner and I put on my "I don't want to and you can't make me" attitude which I've honed to this day, mostly when buying generic. My mom was called and she said I could do anything that I wanted to it but I had to eat it.... starving kids in ethiopia or something..... so what did I do??? that's right, I figured, I like chocolate but I hate hotdogs, so I poured hershey's syrup all over it and ate the entire thing. Needless to say after watching me do that we didn't have hotdogs anymore.

4). In my wee college days I was exposed to the trustafarians and the hippies.... who..... petitioned and won their request to have a vegan bar at the dining hall. I, who enjoy eating the charred flesh of many land mammals, did not find this amusing as the funds that were used for this endeavor were taking much needed money from the purchasing of grade A meat. I then thought up an ingenious way to protest in a delicious manner. Many of these hippies were in my ecology class (it was a pre-req for my major, get off me) so three times a week, I'd saunter in, with a bowl full of bacon and offer it to anyone around me, and then eat it. Take THAT hippies.

5). I'm pretty sure I ate my weight last night in fried jalapeno cheesy things. My body is not in a good place. the outlook for the rest of the weekend aint looking up either as I'll be stuffing it full of pizza, fries, and all the nastiness that the delaware shore has to offer!!

Ligers lions and tigers mixed..... bred for their skills in magic

2006-07-20T07:24:00.000-07:00

As I was commuting from work the other day, I saw myself, sitting by the metro station.... the MOST AWKWARD teenager in life sweating like a priest in a playground, with the ill-fitting baggy t-shirt, haircut that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy having self

And all of a sudden I felt myself in a time warp.....

Picture it, 1995, and I'm 13. My parents decide that the public schools in my area were much too dangerous and run down for me to attend so we begin the hunt for private schools.... we did the run through the all boys schools, which, in retrospect, I probably shouldn't have written off so quickly, we did all the schools that kids with names like Quentin Warrington IV go to..... right.

We, and by we I mean my parents got wicked tired of me belly-aching that I didn't want to be "that guy" in our neighborhood that got picked up by the short bus to go to school.... but did they listen? of course not.

I got sent to a Quaker School in the greater DC area, which was big on "feelings" and "communicating." Now y'all should be abundantly aware that in my family "feelings" consist of discerning levels of dirtiness in maritni's and "communicating" consists of pretending any and all problems can be solved with denial denial denial. Needless to say I wasn't exactly "cut out" for this experience.

So I show up.... first day of school. First of all my entire grade had 17 people in it, and they had all gone to school together since elementary school. I was doomed.

Not only was I the fresh meat ready to be preyed on, let me paint you a little picture, hair parted in the middle forming a butt on top of my head, glasses of rec specs fame, apparently I'd found Green Day/Nirvana and with it my angst which was chanelled through jeans and old flannel shirts that I'd steal from my dad because my parents thought that wearing baggy clothes was innapropriate for a young man. This all combined with my budding homosexuality didn't exactly make me at the top of anyone's A-list. PS who's the guy that was ALL ABOUT wearing the cat in the hat hats to class?? yup you guessed it.

Also, soccer and lax were the sports of choice for all the guys, and what did I do?? yes I had to be the one kid whom had to leave school every day and go to diving practice for four hours, so no chance of 'hanging out after school' even if I wanted to...

Thankfully I convinced my parents that public school was the way to go and gratefully returned to the world of sub-par cafeteria food and fights that would leave tracks of hair and individual extensions littering the halls..... ahhh public school.

So, Awkward teenager standing by the metro stop, I tip my hat off to you and thank the baby jesus that I'm no longer you.

The Scarlet.....burqa?

2006-07-19T05:20:00.000-07:00

Jimbo, postulated that my theory that those gay men that do things that make me die a little on the inside should wear a burqa and be color coded in accordance to the nature of the offense. As this is obviously a genius idea I've come up with a bit of a color coded scheme that will let all of us. let my sharia speak for itself.

Fluorescent Pink: This burqa's shall be worn for crimes against swimwear. This shall be worn for inappropriate wearing of a speedo, wearing of squarecut swimwear (crime against the baby jesus), and god forbid....a thong. And if you have the audacity to combine glitter or sequins to any part of your swimwear your burqua will also be hawaiian print on top of flourescent. The extent of time one would be subjected to the burqa will be for one week after each offense, and be forced to go out to at least one gay bar in that week avec burqa.

Red stars on a white background: This burqa shall be worn for crimes against the District of Columbia, mostly subjected to tourists. This will include standing on the left side of the escalator, block the entrances to and from metro cars, talking on your cell phone while in a metro car and/or station, and walking three or four people side by side on the sidewalk thereby creating a traffic jam and not allowing me to walk diva on the runway.

Champagne Colored: This burqa shall be worn for alcohol related crimes. These include being a general douche-bag at the bar, breaking one of the many rules that our mistresses of mixology have put down, ordering a michelob ultra because you want a "low carb" beer, or wearing sunglasses in a dark bar.

Paisley Colored: Crimes against fashion. Jean short cutoffs, visors, sleeveless t's, teva's, wearing silk shirts, short sleeve button downs..... you get the idea. oh and anything that involves mesh and not only will you be faced to wear a burqa.... I will personally b*tch slap you..... and let me tell you that a diamond encrusted manicured hand leaves a mark.

The list goes on and on and on, but citizen arrests are welcome as long as final judgement obviously goes to a tribunal much like the Hague and war crimes.... these judgements will take place at fox and hound and only after all the homo blogerati aka judges have had 2 libations a piece.

ps today is the one year anniversary of DC Gays of Our Lives, while we didn't start this blog for anyone else we appreciate all the love and humor you've sent our way!! It's been great so far meeting and reading the opinions and thoughts that keep DC and the world at large just a little bit sassier!!!

Natsu no Haiku (Summertime Haiku)

2006-07-18T06:29:00.000-07:00

Heat makes me sweat much
Tanq and Tonics are so cold
Refreshing all day

Sleeveless T's are gross
Please burn like your platform shoes
Invest in polos

Rehomo is fun
Fluorescent Speedo's are not
Please wear burqua now

Grottos is like crack
I will eat till I throw up
Then return for more

No Cigar

2006-07-17T10:25:00.000-07:00

I was directed to this Missed Connection by a friend with the message....

"Clearly this is talking about you."

I wish I'd been at amsterdam falafel instead of recovering from going out the night before and once again waking up with an empty jumbo slice box next to my bed...... unfortunately this was not the case.

I can't be bothered

2006-07-14T07:44:00.000-07:00

Just an observation..... I apparently can't be bothered to visit anyone that doesn't live within walking distance of jumanji which thankfully encompasses pretty much all my peeps.... this was evident last night as I was apparently unable to walk ALL THE WAY to foggy bottom... which I feel I'm ok with.

Friday Five.... let the randomness ensue

2006-07-14T05:43:00.001-07:00

1). Apparently Lance Bass is gay..... gee.... sure didn't see that one coming. That's almost as suprising as Gay, I mean Clay Aiken being reported to participating in the love that dare not speak its name.

2). At JR's last night a fellow who I hope was inebriated thought it was appropriate to, without introducing himself OR buying me a drink, touch me in one of my no no spots. After I made it abundantly clear that if he continued in this manner he wouldn't be leaving the bar with the same number of appendages he entered it with I got to thinking that in a more casual atmosphere I would have said something to the effect of "please look with your eyes, not with your hands" like dealing with a four year old.

3). Velvet nation is closing its doors after this saturday nights bash. bye bye sketchy bartenders who were plying me with alcohol when I was still in High School. Bye Bye platforms which, unfortunately, after being plyed with alcohol while still in High School I've taken one or two tumbles from and then woke up the next morning with a "why the hell do I have a bruise on my head?" Bye bye sketchy guys giving each other (insert several words here)-jobs in the bathroom, corner, upstairs, and above all in the foam. Your sketchy disco ball will always shine in our memories..... at least till I erase them with vodka. PS... at least nobody was shanked at nation... that's right Chaos, I'm looking at you my little pinata.

4). This will be my last weekend in DC for about 6 weeks.... Rehomo here I come, land of Grotto Pizza, Obies by the Sea, Dolle's, and hundreds of gay men in swimwear that will make you cringe (squarecuts are the work of satan) but at the same time make you feel oh so cute in your AussiBum running shorts over a simple black speedo... PS I've come to a decision and I'm retiring my raggedy ass speedo from when I was a lifeguard... sad times. PPS, since I've been at Rehomo every summer since I was 2 I feel like if I don't go at least once a year something bad will happen.... is that weird?

5). Having the girl that your next door neighbor is boinking introduce herself to you in the elevator and then proceed to tell you that she'll be living with him for the summer when you know for a fact that he's been bringing other ladies over there and they haven't been leaving till the next morning is super awkward. The fact that as soon as you end said convo and put in your handy dandy iPod earphones and start your walk and "Promiscuous" comes on is the perfect topper.... I mayhaps did a little awkward robot dance at the corner of my block when that happened......doo doo dodooo dooo doo.... awkward robot dance yeah....

B*tch please

2006-07-12T17:30:00.000-07:00

So apparently spurred on by a series of muggings on the mall plus a nice british fellow getting shanked in Georgetown, the DC chief of police has fit to call for a state of emergency for residents of the District of Columbia.

No Effing Kidding. Ummm didn't the police chief realize this when his own car was stolen less than a year ago? Yeah did I live on the same street at the time? I sure did. Did I make friends with peaches, the prostitute that worked in front of the apartment building across the street from the townhouse I lived in??? you betcha!!

I'm sorry, groups of tourists? deserve to get mugged. There. I said it. I'm going to burn straight in the eternal fires of hell but anyone wearing a lime green visor and a fanny pack deserves to have someone stick them up. just sayin.

In the wake of all of this did my parents call me to ask if I was going to be getting some pepper spray to put on my keychain? oh yes they did. What was the first thought that entered my head?? "I don't think it'll fit in my going out jeans when I go to JR's". I think my mom at some point made some references to karate classes I'd taken when I was in elementary school.......riiiiiight

Although I will say this. The man that comes between me and my jack spade bag, louis vuitton wallet, ipod, or cell phone better be prepared... because in the great words of sheneneh, a strong black woman to whom I am very close to, "I don't know karate, but I sure as hell know CUHRAAAAZY"

I may not look tough, but I'll tear a b*tch a new one.

P.S. I just finished watching Como Agua Para Chocolate, and the main character apparently from what I understand, kills the man she loves by having sex with him.... does that mean she's really good at it or really bad at it?

here.... there... everywhere

2006-07-10T17:56:00.000-07:00

So ok....welcome to my life

This past weekend I spent time with the royal family also known as mumsy and daddykins.....

Mumsy: Well [dale] there's something I always wanted to know about the gays
*PS this is 3 bottles of wine and 2 rounds of martinis between 3 people*
Dale: Umm ok
Mumsy: Do all gay men shave their pubic hair off??
Dale: Is that your natural hair color mumsy?
Mumsy: God I hope your sister doesn't wear a mini-skirt tonight, she looks awfully cheap with it on.....

Yeah I don't follow either.

Sunday saw me actually spending time with la principessa [the sister] who saw fit to come down to Jumanji and we had wings and watched the final game of the world cup...... now let me say a couple things about the world cup.....

This

And This

And This

That's all I have to say about that.

Now let me just say if you've had any amount of alcohol in your system and you are with one of your best friends, you should not watch This Movie. You will cry, a lot.

Love isn't always roses and chocolate, it's not always candlelight and slowdancing. Sometimes it's about sitting in silence with one of your best friends who may as well be your family. Sometimes it's the little things that help out a lot more than anything else.

I have to be in Baltimore for a meeting tomorrow morning at 9am.... I am not pleased.... not at all.....

Hiatus

2006-07-06T15:56:00.000-07:00

Sorry Y'all I've been on hiatus due to holiday and new job..... momma's back.

I have a new job.... fun people... laid back atmosphere...and I have my own office... however the whole blogging thing during work might not work out so well as any and all communication is apparently "monitored." However I've met the IT guys that are apparently "monitoring" my computer at all times and has anyone seen Harold and Kumar go to white castle??? yeah add in about 4 dime bags of weed and you have these guys.

Monday was el dio de relaxacion, praise the baby jesus. I spent our nations birthday playing tennis with two of my best friends... and let me just say that we may or may not have stopped traffic more than once because we were so shiny with the sweat....or maybe because we kept hitting the ball over the fence into the middle of 18th st...... who knows???

The fourth.... after SOMEBODY decided to get boonesfarm (not me) and left it in my fridge, which is a crime against the baby jesus..... ps the fourth of july makes me want a hot dog REALLLLLLL BAD.... we watched the fireworks on my rooftop.

Who was hungover for day 1 of work???? mayhaps me..... blargh

I think I've covered all the bases

2006-07-02T19:21:00.000-07:00

I would post an update tomorrow but I am watching "the notebook" after having a VERY eventful weekend.... I won't be in any place to be anywhere but sleeping.

So I think once again I've learned many things this past weekend such as:

If you go to Remmingtons in order to meet up with this lady, this lady, this lady, this lady, and meet this lady, you should not do shots of Jameson. It will put you into a bad bad place. And if you do go to this bad place, it's probably not a good idea to go to JR's afterwards and then to McDonalds.

If your family wants to have brunch at a swanky restaurant the morning after being in a bad place, wear sunglasses, drink plenty of water, and don't get a bloody mary.

If your sister makes you sweatpants that say "people know me" across the butt, wearing them out everywhere is totally acceptable.... totally acceptable.

If your sister is visiting DC, take her to this locale for dinner.... it's tots deelish, even more so in matching clothes... cuz were that cool.

If your friends ask you to go white water tubing..... do it... trust me, there's nothing better than floating down a river on an inner-tube drinking some beer and hanging out with a great group of people *looks around* wait did I say that?? Am I turning into a big butch man??? ha ha ha ha not to worry.

Now something that makes tubing all that much better, is if you and one of your best friends break off from the group, and go tubing 3/4 of the way naked... were we perved on by some rando's tubing across the river??? yeah, but whatev's.... you only live once.

.25 cent chicken wings after tubing all day puts your stomach in a bad place, but well worth it.

Sometimes

2006-06-30T07:15:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you feel like a nut

Sometimes you don't.

Almond Joys got nuts

Mounds don't

BECAUSE

Sometimes you feel like a nut.

Sometimes you feel like hooking up with two of your friends boss in his office while visiting said friends who is married and has kids and stopping mid hookup because you have a morality moment and telling said boss to wait in his office and totally ditching him..... oh and then hang out with a guy that was in a coma for the better part of a month, who has bad memory problems, and being remembered by said guy because you were tinkerbell last halloween and he remembered you because you were wearing pretty much nothing.........

Just sayin

never leave the couch

2006-06-27T09:06:00.000-07:00

I have made a miraculous discovery

10am to 11am- Desigining Women: I'm more of a Julia Sugarbaker

11am-Noon: Golden Girls: More of a Rose, I'm just too sweet for words!

Noon-1pm: Will and Grace....no lie, in HS they used to call me Karen, cuz I'm mean and I drank martini's since I was 16.

Do you think my new job will let me come in around 1:30?

Friday Five......... Sayonara Suckers!

2006-06-23T08:21:00.000-07:00

1). Today is my last day of my job. I'm taking almost two weeks off. During said time I will be sleeping in, sunning, and decorating jumanji. Be jealous.... be very jealous

2). My car was almost stolen Wednesday.... in a parking lot in the suburbs... I totally confronted the gentleman as it was broad daylight.... did I turn on my diva switch and get my keys back? you betcha!!

3). It's a good thing I wasn't entirely too open about my "social" life last night at cactus cantina after the third glass of sangria..... oh wait.

4). If you haven't yet, put it in your calendar to see The Vodka Manx at the Science Club, wicked good tunes and really chill atmosphere... I will definitely be a repeat offender at said location.

5). Myself and one of my best friends are unable to be employed when the other is not, she quit as of today..... thank god I'll have someone to make fun of Rachel Ray with during the day while I'm relaxing next week!!!!

I'm a washingtonian

2006-06-22T07:57:00.000-07:00

As one born and raised in the DC/metro area......well maybe not born, I hail from Ballmer hun, I recently took an online test (because they're the most accurate obvy) and it has been determined that I'm 57% Dixie..... I think that's just about perfect for a Washingtonian... don't you?

PS. Totally called in sick from work today, tomorrow's my last day.... I'm so klassy

PPS. My sister, for my birthday, made me a pair of sweats that say across the butt "People Know Me" in an homage to Ron Burgundy.... yeah that's gonna do well for my rep.

Now THAT's what I call a dream

2006-06-21T03:03:00.000-07:00

I don't usually remember my dreams but this one was loud, proud, and in color!!

Picture it, new orleans (no clue why), and myself, Chip, our friends Joe (who for some reason had a mullet), the ladies known as the Twin Towers, and my friend C who is dating one of the twin towers were all celebrating something which has also yet to be determined. For most of the dream I'm freaking out that I should be going home because I have an non-linear geometry exam this coming friday... thankfully I'm smart enough even in dream form to realize that I graduated in 2004.... I'm so smart S-M-R-T.

Anyways, for whatever reason, it's also Gay Pride so Chip and I decide to go to a drag show which as I recall was fabulous. But who has the best table in the house? You guessed it, Carol Schwartz. I got a little excited and we stayed to enjoy the show.

We go back to the celebration with the rest of our friends and guess who shows up?? La Schwartz, obviously she'd heard about our party and wanted to join in. I actually remember thinking.... wow, I bet The Boy is going to be wicked jealous when he finds out I was hanging with Carol, maybe I should call him... nah, he never picks up his phone anyways. Then who shows up?? Eleanor Holmes Norton, duh.

Carol has to excuse herself for a menthol, Chip joins her as no lady should smoke outside alone, and I ran and got my camera and joined the pair. The following conversation ensued

LaSchwartz: So Holmes, what'd you do tonight? I was at the most fabulous drag show
EHN: Oh I stayed in and watched some TV
LaSchwartz: You should definitely go sometime, it's so much fun.
EHN: That's not really my style.
LaSchwartz: EHN, don't be such a f*cking b*tch.

Some people dream of flying.... Some people dream of getting a piece.... apparently I dream of DC council members / non-voting DC reps in Congress...

How to look like you're working hard......without really trying

2006-06-20T07:44:00.000-07:00

Ok dokie..... this is my last week at my current job... I will be taking about two weeks of vaca before starting the next one. I was GOING to go to SoBe this weekend, as my mom is going because she's bored and was going to rent another hotel room for me (drunken offer) .... why am I not going?? mumsy didn't tell me until yesterday and I already made plans. It's ok, she promised me key west come winter.

Anyways, as I look back on my tenure as an employed member of society, WHICH I have to say is entirely overrated. I long for the days that I was a recently graduated individual with no real marketable skills except for my circus experience, who spent the summer of 04 doing naught but waking up, going to the pool with my laptop, "applying" for jobs for about 45 minutes, go swimming, go to the gym, go back to the air conditioned apartment, turn on the Cosby Show, pour myself a little G&T, and call my other friend who was also unemployed, she'd bring over sushi and wine, and we'd watch the iron chef marathon for the rest of the day.

However, I thought I'd share some things that I DID learn as an employed individual (obviously from others as I'm the perfect employee), which is still overrated and I'm in the market for a sugar daddy a la last summer with the beach house fame.

Always carry a pad and pen: This makes it look like you're in the middle of something. It helps if you have something written down, preferrably in list form on that pad. If you keep the pen behind your ear, it gives the appearance that you're in so much of a hurry that you can't be bothered.

Perfect your "I'm intently staring at the computer screen no matter what's on it" look: Mastering this look will make anyone who walks by your office/cube think to themselves "wow, look at how intense [insert name here] is, I shouldn't bother them with this little question, let me go find an intern."

Cover all surfaces on your desk with stickies and print outs: You can print out emails, no matter how banal, and if called on it you say, "I like to keep a paper trail blah blah blah, quality assurance blah blah blah."

If you plan on leaving the office early for the day without telling anyone, leave your computer on: It aint like it's your computer, and if anyone calls you on it the next day you can say you were looking for [insert name of file] at the [insert obscure filing location] and went back to your desk later obviously. duh.

I wonder if I should tell HR the things I've learned on my exit interview......hmmmmmmm

wow

2006-06-19T07:19:00.000-07:00

So ok, tornado of crazy doesn't begin to describe what's going on right now.... this weekend was no different.

If someone asks you to do a shot of tequilla with them at Fox and Hounds, don't do it. It will no doubt put you in a bad bad place as one shot apparently translates to half a water glass at F&H.

Groups of straight girls from the vag should not be allowed in the gayborhood after dark unaccompanied by a card carrying gay man who lives in DC or lesbian who lives in DC.

Actual convo had by myself and a friend whom I don't see often, on Saturday:

Dale: So what's new?
Friend: ummm since we talked last (bout a month ago) me and my bf got domestic partnerized and he got a job in (country that's not the US) and we're moving there in a month
Dale: ummmm wow...well.... I bought a futon....

This morning I just got word that a friend from college that I haven't talked to in a couple years died saturday night. I'm still kinda shell shocked but in more of a "holy sh*t" place than a crying place, one of those "I feel bad because I don't feel worse" type situations.... I don't even know how it happened but she was only 27..... life sure as sh*t aint fair sometimes.

Friday Five.... summer summer summertiiiiime

2006-06-16T06:45:00.000-07:00

1). I totally forgot how awkward robot dance it is to be with a couple of your friends and run into someone's parent that knew you when you were a child. Twenty minutes later and she's regaling your friends with stories about how your mom helped her through her menopause and how cute you were when you and her daughter had matching speedos all summer, every summer, for 10 years because your mom and her always made sure to go swimsuit shopping together..... It's a good thing I didn't want to cover my head with my hands and go to my happy place.... oh wait.

2). It's really kind of awkward when your friends ex's contact you out of the blue "just to chat." I thought we settled the whole custody battle when you dicked over my friend?? No? well then I can't be held responsible for what I lead you to believe.... what am I up to? oh you know, hot bf (lie), going to europe for a couple weeks (lie).... and yourself? still doing manual labor? yeah that's tough.

3). I've already seen from my travels up and down the runway that this summer, much like summers past, has seen fit to trick some poor misguided queens into buying the complex velcro meets woven meets crazy sandal contraptions. Let me give y'all a little hint of advice. Keep it simple, keep it classy, thong sandal (flip flop) or simple across the bridge of your foot slide sandal. Less is more ladies. Oh and these are a crime against nature..... a crime...nature.. against.

4). I'm sorry did anyone else see the Britney Spears Interview last night??? Holy Guacamole, it was everything I could ask for and more. There was the bad extensions, the see through maternity shirt, the crying, and an glob of chunked up mascara at the corner of one of her eyes that was big as life!! PS did everyone get a look at those heinous wooden sandal-y things she was wearing??? Looks like someone has come full circle and is just as trashy as she wants to be.... she's totally two steps away from having sex with her cousin and featuring a banjo in her next music video. PS matt lauer, while I would still have a million of his babies.... starting to get a little busted... c'mon matt.

5). I believe the summer itch has finally taken hold of me. I definitely go through periods of hibernation where gentlemen callers mean little to nothing to me.... I think that's over, at least for now. Time to re-open the application process for a gentleman caller, application to follow.

I'm so educatafied!!!

2006-06-15T07:03:00.000-07:00

So ok.... obviously since it was a glorious evening I went to the runway and met a friend for cocktails at Fox and Hound, I didn't expect it to be such an educational experience as I learned a few things.

1). If you walk up and down the runway long enough you are guaranteed to pick up a man. This was evident by not one but two gentlemen (I use the term loosely) who walked up and down 17th st. maybe 8 or 9 times a piece and were rewarded with organisms that can only be classified as pseudo human that they then took to what I assume was a covered location to do whatever unholy acts. PS: Gentleman #1 ( sleeveless T, bad dye job[lollipop red], and WAAAAY too much fake and bake) Gentleman #2 ( obviously on something, eyes dilated more than marion barrys on election day, skinny guy in v. baggy clothes) They obviously both deserve no sex in life.

2). Groups of unaccompanied straight girls who are tools, at an establishment on a street where the majority of businesses are gay owned and operated will congratulate themselves on being so fabulous for hanging in the gayborhood no less than 10 times an hour. Congratulate yourselves all you want ladies, at the end of the night aint none of us is punching your kitty. Now this isn't a rant on straight women, three of my best friends are straight women.... but they're also not tools.

3). If you are at an establishment that sells drinks by bringing you a cup with ice and the liquor of your choice in it and then give you a travel size bottle of whatever (in my case tonic) with which to mix with the glass full of the liquor of your choice, do NOT order the following (a martini, a cosmopolitan, or a mimosa) You will be branded for the rest of the night as the jerks from the dirty vag wearing short-sleeve buttondowns and madras shorts (short sleeve buttondowns make the baby jesus cry) that decided to come to dc and be idiots. Also don't even get me started on the lady that ordered a mimosa at 9 pm......

4). I am not a bitch just because you slapped my butt on the way to the bathroom and I turned around and told you that that was not an appropriate way to introduce yourself, give you a look that would make Hitler cry, and then turn and walk away. I'm a lady dammit.

What DIDN'T happen this weekend

2006-06-13T07:14:00.000-07:00

Pride is a magical time full of hope, full of love, full of vodka..... lot's of vodka.

Friday night Chip and I went with a couple of other ladies to JR's and then to Halo, where I was reminded how small this city is when one lady commented about "socializing" with another lady in the backseat of their fathers mercedes, and the lady in question happened to be the current bf of one of the other people in the group.... yeah can you say awkward??

Saturday was the last lazy Chip/Dale saturday for a very long time, in sweats and a hoodie I traversed with Chip who actually managed to look presentable to P. City to get some last minute things for his trip, I admire Chip for being able to go to Ecuador but any country that requires me to have mosquito netting is really just not for me.... and having had to use it previously in my travels I can just say it is one of the most annoying things to roll over in bed just to end up with a mouth full of mosquito netting.

The parade... everyone was there... Ms. Carol Schwartz all a glitter in her green print blouse and requisite chunky jewelery. We had long islands, that may have been a bad choice. Chip may or may not have yelled at a girl who was standing in his way, and then made fun of her, and then realized she was deaf....sweet. Oh and some lady came up to me started screaming from recognizing me and this blog from a picture from an unknown location (probably porn) and stroked my ego more than a baby kitten. I ended that night at JR's, I was going to go to blowoff but due to extenuating circumstances that didn't happen so much as not.

Sunday was the main event, my parents brunch.... I started drinking at 10am and didn't stop till about 10 pm.... that was ridic. Thankfully everything went off without a hitch and the staff at the locale was very accomodating to me read ( they bowed in fear...IN FEAR). After which was a trip to a watering hole in my neck of the woods and many of the blogerati were in attendance, which was followed by JR's where I was accused of not wearing underwear several times... my response?? "Of course I'm wearing underwear.... I'm a LADY."

Obvy called in sick on monday, Accepted a job offer, watched some blockbuster, accepted a date offer from a gentleman whom I'd given my number to at the parade and don't remember doing such a thing. I remember him as cute, we shall see what develops. my kickball team dominated the field... and then we said goodbye to Senor Chip for the summer, hopefully he won't get eaten by a llama while in Ecuador.

Bon Voyage!!!

2006-06-12T06:20:00.000-07:00

Pride: my body still hurts. more later.

Tomorrow Chip is moving to Ecuador, let us all wish him good luck, lots of fun, and well wishes!! DC won't be the same this summer, and McDonalds sales figures on 17th st at 2 in the morning will take a dramatic decrease.

!!!GOOD LUCK CHIP!!!!

Friday Five... Convo-tastic!!

2006-06-09T05:28:00.000-07:00

1). There has got to be something in the paint of my condo complex because not only is one of the front door ladies obviously a meth addict or something as she's constantly chewing her gums and drooling on herself while talking.... THERE'S more than ONE!!!! As I was doing my laundry last night (Maid's on vaca) another lady on the condo board came into the laundry room, stood there and proceeded to stare at me....until it was mucho awkward and then I turned and the following convo ensued,

Dale: Ummm hi?
Crazy Lady #2: So.....where are you from?
Dale: Ummm Montgomery County?
CL2: No, what's your background?
Dale: Oh, ummm my dad's Japanese my mom's German
CL2: I thought so! I said to myself that boy is too tall for an Oriental.
Dale: *Screaming in my head* ORIENTAL IS FOR CARPETS NOT PEOPLE YOU DUMB FAT SMELLY PIECE OF SH*T. *Actually Said* Ummm yup, guess so, k bye now.

2). My godparents as I've said time and time again scare me on several levels. They love the eff out of me and if anything happened to me they'd unleash the fury of a thousand suns on whomever.... plus I know there's a lot of you out there that think you can drink..... I can without a doubt say that my godmother can drink you under the table... twice. I've actually been yelled at for stopping at two martinis after cocktails and margarita hour. Anyways as my parents anniversary brunch is in Dupont I suggested to everyone that they metro... the following convo ensued with my godmother.

Dale: Hi [godmother], you might want to metro this weekend, it's pride and it's going to be wicked crowded
Godmother: *pause* public transportation? oh honey, the [godmothers last name] do not take public transportation, what if were seen?
Dale: Good point. I'll have your martini ready when you get there (11 am, sunday morning)

3). Convo I had with a co-worker on what one should serve as food at a naked party.

Dale: So, if you were to host such a party, what kind of food would you serve
CW: Cheese tray?
Dale: Yeah and veggies, but I wouldn't serve any carrot niblets or beanie weanies...bad images.
CW: Yeah and light on the sauces, those things can really stain the upholstery

4). Convo I had with my mother who wanted to walk in the Pride parade under the PFLAG banner in her wedding dress...

Dale: Mom, you are not walking in the parade in your wedding dress
Mom: fine, but I'm still walking.
Dale: Mom you know that means actual walking right? you aren't on a float.
Mom: Really? Nevermind, I don't do walking.

5). And finally.... in honor of pride a convo I had with a straight guy friend on the nature or nurture argument on homosexuality.

Dale: I watched Underworld Evolution last night... it was pretty sweet.
SGF: yeah, someone should tell those bible thumpers out there that if you're still gay after watching Kate Beckinsale as a leather-wearing vampire, then being gay is not a choice.
Dale: Aint that the truth.

*PS Katie B. can make the the Ro's drool all they want, Scott Speedman shirtless for most of the movie?? Be still my heart!!*

HAPPY PRIDE!!!!

Pride 2k6, because knoweledge is power

2006-06-08T08:28:00.000-07:00

So Pride 2k6 is in sight and the signs are all around us, i.e. streamers of homosexual glory outside cobalt, the announcement of the bachelor auction (which I will NOT be participating in this year thank god..... that was a bad choice, not because I have ANY problem standing in front of a large group of people in just my underwear but because that night last year I may or may not have made out with mr. clean and passed out in my car)

ANYWAYS, I thought that seeing as how I revel in the dispensation of knoweledge, especially that of the homosexual variety.... so therefore I'd like to give my own Pride Guide 2006.

Mr. & Ms. DC Pride: Wanna see where the people from Annies aka The Glass Coffin go when they aren't chowing down on overpriced jalapeno poppers and watching those of us that don't have to wear adult depends walk on the runway??? You will find them all watching Mr. & Ms. DC Pride.... I went one year, on a date, it was not fun, I never talked to that guy again.

Parade: Think a DC version of Mardi Gras, Bringing water bottles with your favorite bevvy in it is always a good idea... stay hydrated (Read: half vodka half cranberry juice). Fighting the crowds to get into Cobalt to get a refreshment is not ladylike, although I've fought the crowds to use the restroom.... that is a necessity. It will be hot. Unless you go to the gym a LOT please don't take off your shirt.... it is an affront to the very delicacy of my nature. Oh and if you wear sandals be prepared to at some point have your feet stepped on.

Attire In General: No jean shorts or cut off jean shorts. No sleevless T-s, it is not 1995 anymore. No Visors, I can't even begin to tell you my problems with visors. No Tevas, those are a hate crime against your feet. Birks are allowed for our saphic (sp?) sisters. short sleeve button downs are also not cute, and if I see any queen walking around with their thong showing out of their pants I may or may not do a drive by with a body glitter stick.

Festival: I don't like it, I'm hungover and I'm in no mood to talk to the gay black jewish coalition on why I should support gay parents in El Salvador or what have you. The biggest concern on my mind is usually who I made out with outside JR's last night and why my mouth tastes vaguely of liccorice and even though I went home alone why I'm wearing somebody elses shirt.

So go, be gay, be fabulous, enjoy the festivities, and if any of you are so inclined to stand near the protestors (I don't like to) Give them a few choice words for me. I'm sure I'll be out, but I apologize in advance if I don't remember conversing with any of y'all come Monday.

OH and remember this : What Happens at Pride, stays at pride.... take from that what you will.

Sweet Jesus Christ on a Cracker.......

2006-06-07T10:14:00.000-07:00

Oh.....Mah.....Gawd.....

So... ok. Yesterday as I'm planning on leaving, excited about my regular trips to the spa by my office to get groomed, cut, and otherwise tended to in a way that befits my status (duh), a co-worker stopped by my office. Now she's religious. Not in a normal, I hate gays, I hate technology kind of way....... that I can deal with. She's religious in that her church is named the flaming spirit of the lord, speaks in tongues, and has recently joined a dance class for the sole purpose of praising Jesus.

ANYWAYS... she came into my office yesterday to have a conversation that in my mind is entirely too long to have in a professional setting and then turns to leave but then turns back... and no joke says...... "Oh (Dale) remember, Jesus Loves You." My response was.... "Ummm thanks" (which incidentally is the same response I had to one of my ex's when he dropped the L-bomb however there are very few similarities between him and the son of our lord other than they both probably could use more showers)

Let's review:

We are in a work environment. You don't know my religion. For all you know I could be the high priest of the house of Satan or something, I'm not btw... red and black really aren't my colors plus I have a feeling there's a big leather contingent with that kind of religion and there are many things I look good in but leather aint one of them.

Turns out she's been singleing out the 'mo's on my floor and basically telling us all that Jesus loves us on a semi-regular basis, mayhaps she's trying to save my sould which has been damned to the fiery pits of hell for participating in a little man on man action and having an undying love for This Man (who will one day make an honest woman out of me).

.... So to this person I say, "No Maam, Jesus obviously does not love me because then he would have given me the capacity to put up with your simple minded weird self...unfortunately I do not have this ability."

Story Addendum: She cut her most of her hair off the other week because she feared she was worshiping it like a false idol and cutting it brought her closer to the lord.

Allright Enough is Enough

2006-06-06T05:35:00.000-07:00

In the wake of our fearless leader issueing his support of the first constitutional amendment that limits the rights of his citizens, I believe it is time for me to once again assume control over jesusland and take the reigns of this country before were ALL start saying things such as:

"I think we agree, the past is over" (Bush, May 10, 2000)

That being said, please let me communicate the platforms on which I will be running, and obviously winning the position of POTUS, as well as maintaining HRH Dale.

Family: I think were a little too short-sighted here. The issue isn't about who can marry who, who the eff cares if Jim wants to marry John instead of Jane, god may not have created Adam and Steve but he sure created Cheez Wiz so we all know that the big guy aint perfect. Plus, I still can't wrap my head around how my marrying a prada-clad, beach house on 3 coasts having, tall, dark and handsome man can be the undoing of society. I think the issue we have to think of is procreation. Under my authority, all couples who wish to procreate or adopt will have to go through an intense screening process which will determine, attractiveness, intelligence, good taste, and etiquette. It is my vision that THIS never happen ever again.

Iraq: Anyone raise their hand who thinks this is a good idea. No George.... not you.... you go sit in the corner and stop eating the paste.

Cabinet: I will announce the addition of several cabinet positions to my administration which would include the Duchess of Protocol, Secretary of Style, and Secretary of Cocktails. These positions will be mostly domestic however they will include government subsidies on happy hours, subsidized consultations at major department stores which will teach us things such as why neon spandex is not your friend, and a pamphlet which will detail what fork to use when.

Choosing A new CIA Head: I think the most important qualification of a CIA director was overlooked when Hayden was appointed. The ability to sing along to the Mission Impossible soundtrack while making your hands into a gun shape and going all stealth mode down a hallway.....duh.

Hurricanes: Ummmmmm I'm against them?

Education: As were all aware I plan on opening Dale's Royal Etiquette Academy for Youth. While that specific institution will only be open to a very select few (emphasis on the gays), I encourage more such schools to open.

With all these platforms I am confident in the fact that I can also add POTUS to my royal title. Thank you.

P.S.- I was having a convo with Chip last night about how you're pets reflect your personality. I have a cock-a-poo..... what exactly does that say about me??? hmmmmmmm

Forewarned is Fairwarned

2006-06-05T08:00:00.000-07:00

1) I have no idea why I feel like posting, but I do.

2) I am back in town after a four day wedding celebration in Memphis, and I will need much time to recover. I know most people who read this blog frown on Virginia, so I can only imagine how they feel about the Midwest, but Memphis is still one of my absolute favorite cities! *Cue the Marc Cohn...

3) Today is my last day of work!

4) Chasing a shot of vodka with whiskey on the rocks is not advisable. Dancing like a fool at large gatherings (especially weddings) however, is strongly encouraged!

5) I am in love with my new "Ms. New Booty" ring tone.

6) Graceland is WAY overrated. Random fun (or lame) fact: Elvis's motto was "Takin' care of business in a flash" and memorialized this motto with the notation TCB over a bolt of lightning. This symbol appears on his planes, the Lisa Marie and the Hound Dog, among over things.

7) The perfect way to end a four day glutton fest of eating and drinking in excessive amounts is to take a cab from the airport directly to Adam's Mill for 25 cent wings and $2.00 beers, of course.

8) I move to Ecuador one week from tomorrow!

The weekend, fun, sun, shopping.... duh.

2006-06-05T05:31:00.000-07:00

Friday night I'd like to thank all the ladies that came out to help me culminate the celebration week of my birth at JR's. This may or may not include one gentleman who, as reported by other sources on Saturday socialized not once, but twice in one of the bathrooms. Now that's Klass. I actually was sober sally Friday night.... what? me? in control of my faculties? who knew? God maybe I am getting old. Although I did redeem myself by mayhaps going to Chaos to see the trannie performer with big glittery pasties over her nipples, I thought I was going to get shanked by a sandanista or something. I also ended the night in true Lady fashion...... Amsterdam Falafel with extra hummus duh.

Saturday I had brunch with this lady, saw a fellow blogger as he was on his way out from the same establishment. I would have gotten up but I was looking a little rough and not about to draw attention to this fact. I then did my cardio for the week, also known as going into a furniture store after being recommended to by this fantastic gentleman, and pulling out my tiara with the following convo:

Dale: Hi, I'd like this futon with this mattress and I want this mattress cover made for me, oh and I don't do assembly so thanks for taking care of that.

Salesman: That's the quickest anyone has ever come in here and bought a futon. Do you want to look at the cost estimate?

Dale: No thanks, here's my card, I'm going to go pick out some more stuff....

apparently brunch and a bloody mary on a saturday turns me into La Lohan.

I had family dinner Saturday night with a couple of my best friends, mucho vino was had and then apparently we went out in AdMo for a little heterosexual-fabulosity. Much of the night remains a mystery much like Jared Leto's sexuality, however I will report that I woke up next to an empty box that may have contained jumbo slice at one point.

Fast forward to brunch with various friends and were standing in front of a table at a restaurant in admo waiting for a table, and honestly watching this guy break up with his gf at brunch. Obviously were trying to hear what they're saying as duh, if you're dumb enough to stick around while your bf is trying to break up with you in public then you will be the source of my entertainment.... duh.

Rest of sunday= recovery and family dinner at sushi... and viewing of Big Love which I heart. PS gay men could never have a polygamous situation, those are called orgies.... duh.

Friday Five..... Birthday Address!!!!!

2006-06-02T05:23:00.000-07:00

I have been fortunate enough to have friends and family help me celebrate this past week of the anniversary of my birth, which, btw was referred to in WaPo horoscope section as the "day of royal birth" coincidence?? Obvy not... Obvy.

1). My grandfather and great aunt (who now having lost what mental faculties she has left can't really eat or talk so will no longer be called crazy, she will now be referred to as the Dowager Aunt) took me out to dinner at a chinese restaurant, and in an effort to get the Dowager Aunt to smile my grandfather picked up a fork instead of chopsticks and said... "Look at me (Dowager Great Aunt) I'm a (japanese derogatory term for white people)." She smiled.... I nearly crapped myself, good thing my family is SO PC.

2). My sister or La Principessa, has threatened to go all artsy fartsy and make some sort of amalgamation of sweatpants and puffy paint for my birthday. If I get a pair of sweats that reads Hot Stuff across the butt I swear I'm going to replace her shampoo with nair. Either that or wear them out to JR's three weeks in a row.

3). My Father, for a father son birthday present, is taking me shopping...... at Calvert Woodley Liquor store. I love my daddy.

4). This weekend is the first full weekend I have that I'm not working at SRL, I will be spending much if not all of that time in bed, save for the audience I will be having with the event coordinator at the location for my parents 30th anniversary. I use that term very loosely as I've been responsible for menu selection, wine selection, cake design, flower arrangements, seating arrangements. I will be interviewing wait staff and scheduling the time and order of all the food..... I'm sorry but I'm a queen that knows what she wants, and a big enough b*tch to demand it.

5). I have been gay-beaten (see brow-beaten of the gay variety) into going out one last time in celebration of the anniversary of my reign. Apparently I will be gracing the runway (17th st.) so if one is mayhaps to be out in said area and sees me in all my regal glory (read: drunk and having mcDonalds in one hand and Amsterdam Falafel in the other) do not judge me.

Now that I'm old I'm wise

2006-06-01T07:05:00.000-07:00

I'm officially a year older and dammit if I haven't learned a couple of pieces of wisdom. Either because I have great people in my life that bring them to my attention or because as I traverse this path, I learn more and more about how to become a little bit more comfortable in my crown.

I was reminded last week when one of my best friends said, "you know I don't think you realize how many people love you," sometimes when you're in a dark place you forget that you're never alone because there's always someone that cares enough to walk with you. P.S. I'm also reminded of the West Wing anecdote:

There once was a man who found himself in a hole and he couldn't get out.
A priest walks by and said, "I will pray for you," and walked away.
A carepenter walked by and said, "I will go find wood and build you a ladder," and walked away.
A friend came by and immediately jumped in the hole.
The man said "what are you doing?"
The friend replied, "I've been down here before, follow me, I know the way out."

Wearing a shirt that exposes your mid-riff is never ok. for anyone. ever.

Ice-luges and I do not get along. at all.

Working 7 days a week is not a good way to alleviate boredom brought about by saturday during the day with nothing to do, even if you do get to dispense more sass than RuPaul at a drag queen convention.

Sometimes we burn bridges for a reason. Good reasons. and those bridges should stay burned.

Sandals with socks makes the baby jesus cry.

I got exactly what I wanted!!!

2006-05-31T17:31:00.000-07:00

Tonight is my birthday.

My birthday wishes have never come true, this year was different.

I didn't wish for a boyfriend, I didn't wish for enough diamonds to crush Paris Hilton.

Sunday night when I blew out my candles I wished for what just happened

My three best friends in DC came over and had chinese food. I have no furniture, they didn't care. I had barely enough silverware and glasses for everyone, they didn't care.

It was quiet, it wasn't glamorous. It was people that I love and that love me taking time to wish me a happy birthday.

Good friends love you for your greatness, Best friends love you for your flaws. I have the best friends in the world.

I couldn't wish for anything more, and I couldn't be more grateful.

May 31

2006-05-31T06:19:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday, Dale!