Friday Five, Seasonal Resolutions

The colors are changing, the days are getting shorter, the cable-knit merino sweaters and scarf combinations will once again start making their appearance.... it is now fall. With fall, as we are all aware comes a time to make some resolutions. I [Dale] here-to-for resolve that.....

1). I will not be putting up with it tooodaaaaayyyyyy, low drama and high productivity will be the motto for the season!!

2). Less Shake n Bake..... yes the time has come for me to cut down my intake of this wonderful wonderful substance, hmmmm maybe I'll just kind of transfer over to hamburger helper.

3). The start of my war against the term "skinny-fat," which apparently refers to people who have skinny builds but guts..... I don't call that skinny-fat, I call that in need of pilates.

4). Get new jeans, the time has come my many friends, to talk of many things, like butts and cuts and no doughnuts to squeeze into some jeans!!

5). Go to the movies more..... it's been a really long time since I saw a movie and I feel like I'm about due.

Gaysha Don't Run

Magical Night....Full of Mystery..... Full of Promise...

So.... High Heel Race Recap.

I learned many things last night from my debut as Lady Violet Blossom, DC's Premier Gay-sha, let me share some of my "good choice/bad choice" moments


Running is a bad choice for me, especially in a micro mini, especially in 3 inch spiked heels 2 sizes too small for me, especially when the gentlemen that are actually planning to run look like this.

A good choice was attending a fabulous pre-party gathering with a group of people 90% of whom I had no idea who they were and half of them looked like polo models. Quote of the evening went to a very attractive gentleman whom I believe one of my friends is "entertaining" at the moment....... "When [Lady Violet Blossom] came upstairs I knew what all the other straight guys in the room were thinking, 'why did I just get an erection?' "

A Bad choice was not being prepared for the press, when a reporter for a newspaper came up to me and asked me my name it totally didn't occur to me to say "Lady Violet Blossom" so I gave him the real first name.... and he looked at me like I had a touch of the downs.

A good choice was not falling. Thank you baby jesus for allowing me to stay upright while at the High Heel race last night.

A Bad choice was one gentleman who, while meaning well, after he had his picture taken with me offered me a Pearl Necklace..... upon seeing the look of shock and mild disgust on my face he quickly followed that up with "No No No like an actual necklace, like beads... here!!!" [Insert awkward turtle here]

A good choice was all of the bar-staff having the graciousness to allow me to jump in front of any line I came across last night post race. It was Fuh-Reee-Zing and I heard more than once from people that I was being photographed with "Honey You're Shaking!" No effing kidding I was shaking... I was wearing 1 layer of cotton (the fabric of our lives) and a speedo to keep warm and I've got the body fat of Kate Moss on a diet.

A Bad choice was someone who shall remain nameless throwing me some shade last night because he thought that he was in a position of some importance..... No m'aam, I know what freaky deaky stuff you're down with.... don't mess with me, my wig was big last night.... and full of effing secrets.... I am Gaysha.

A Great Choice was the time I had last night, I took pictures with more people last night than I had in the past year, including several what I figured were immigrant families who must've thought I was some sort of alien. I had a great time before, during, and after the race and saw a bunch of my friends AND I didn't do a walk of shame this morning which would have to have been done in my kimono.... after all..... I am Gaysha.

Friday Five!

1). I may or may not have watched the week of witches on the Disney channel pretty much every night this week. I may or may not be a sucker for said type of really bad B movies. I may or may not have watched the Mary-Kate Ashley Halloween Movie when I was younger and ate it up. This Movie may be my favorite halloween movie from when I was little, I remember it scaring me crapless. PS what ever happened to the show Erie Indiana????

2). I just found out that a teacher from my HS has been friendster-stalking me, EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! Now this teacher was one of two gay teachers in my HS but this one had a "yen" for the asians if you get my drift. He volunteered to be the faculty advisor for the Asian Club which I started, but quickly grew to dislike me because I was visibly uncomfortable that he made up pet names for me and my friends like "tiger." He actually told my sister once after I'd graduated that I was A). A cold person and B). He'd found pictures of me on the internet from an ad I did in London and what did she think about me doing something like that (It was for a party at a club in london whom I happened to be dating one of the investors at the time, you couldn't see any of my no no areas and so what??? also as far as I know the pictures are no longer available) P.S. she said she thought it was awesome and dropped his class.

PPS- After the teacher realized that I wasn't going to be buddy buddy with him he tried to get the other officers of the asian club whom I had appointed to get together and impeach me. Now since I found out about this I was not about to let that happen when I'd founded said club. Therefore I did what any despot would do, I, along with the student council president, wrote a constitution for the club wherein I could not be impeached, and only give up my post as president, not be defeated in future elections..... needless to say I was president for all of high school.... that'll teach em to mess with the Queen.

3). One time in Highschool, in my french class... with only one other student, we had to make a video presentation. We did a lesbian love triangle with someone we recruited who wasn't in our class and didn't have any lines. We thought it was brilliant, it's not like it was some hardcore film, they ever even kissed. Our in the closet teacher thought it was horribly offensive and gave us all C's. Years later I saw him at poodle beach in rehomo with his boyfriend.....mmmhmmm I walked past all scantily clad..... I said hi..... I judged.... I kept walking...

4). As I found out while playing jeopardy last night and trying to figure out how to dull the blinding pain I experience while wearing the high heels I purchased for next weeks high heel race, I realized I am a wealth of useless information. For whatever reason I can correctly identify a portrait of Louis XIV, and name the genus of the nightshade family. I wish I could go on that show and effing clean the eff up. Although I'm pretty sure potent potables would be my downfall.

5). While wasting time before the lovely lineup ABC had on last night of Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy (PS Gray's is UH-MAY-ZING!!!!) (PPS- I'm just saying that if I ever see either McSteamy, McDreamy, Finn, Dr. O'Malley or Dr. Karev ever in real life..... I will strip naked and jump on them right there..... I have absolutely no shame on that issue) I watched Mommy Dearest... best line ever.... "Don't F*ck with me Fellas!!!!!"

5b). Dr. O'Malley is gay!!!! he's just waiting to tell the press about his plans to propose to me... Remeber Dr. O'Malley, my fingers are thin but I can carry a large stone.

Dear Sir..........

Dear Michael Kors,

You should be ashamed of yourself for picking Jeffrey over Uli. Not only do you look like a gay Oompa Loompa and you are forever talking with one hand under your chin, your mother looks like Karl Lagerfeld and you can't seem to wear anything but a black blazer. I want to say that the only saving graces of the show are Ms. Heidi (Auf Wiedersehen) Klum and Tim ("Where's Andrae??") Gunn. And don't even get me started on Nina Garcia, lady looks like someone stuffed a rotten grapefruit up her no no spot from how happy she always looks.

Dear two unnamed friends,

You two should be taken into an alley and shot from the pain I am now feeling which is a result of the class at the gym you "made" me take. However since I'm a glutton for punishment I will be going back god-dammit and hopefully this time I won't fall off the ball and make a scene when my bony butt hit's the floor. Although I will say I was doing better than the old lady wearing a thong. Also, I've finally figured out where all the attractive gay men in DC are hiding, and it's my gym for that class, I plan on leaving a stack of cards with my phone number and restaurant favorites for what I can only imagine will be a long line of suitors who will want to warm me up on what will hopefully in the near future be cold nights.


Dear High Heels,

We are not friends. I have hyper-extended most of my joints at various points in my life, walked en pointe without toe shoes, breaking most of my toes in the process in order to have a nicer toe point, broken both wrists (any limp wristed jokes and I'll cut you), had my flace slammed by a car door and knocked me out, fallen from the equivalent of a 3 story building into a pool of water flat on my back, and slid 15 feet on asphalt on my stomach after having a rollerblading accident. However, nothing is as painful as wearing effing high heels, or maybe I should just get a larger size. The High Heel race is next Tuesday and I'll be damned if I'm not going to put out a good showing..... ps just a little aside..... I don't run.... it's undignified.

yes that's right..... I's a lady

Well, my little sister aka la principessa was home this weekend for fall break so I, being the good older brother aka first born went to the parentals estate friday night way out in the country. Wherein apparently the crazy fairy had visited, for as I walked in the front door and was greeted by my puppy chloe I saw what appeared to be two huge vats of urine on the countertop. After awkwardly staring at these two glass containers, each of which held at least 10 gallons of dark yellow liquid, I called for mumsy-kins to come down and explain her science experiment to me...... what was it you ask??? oh that's right, mumsy and daddykins have added making moonshine to their repertoire of things that they like to do in their free time. Their plan?? to have their lemon-flavored vodka based beverage ready to be bottled by christmas time so that they can give bottles out as christmas gifts to help everyone celebrate the birth of the baby jesus......needless to say I'm going to wait till everyone else has some to make sure it doesn't strike them blind.

After that stunning revelation it was off to sushi for a nice family dinner. Did I mention that my family is incapable of having a nice family dinner? My mom thought this would be a perfect opportunity to discuss..... you may have guessed it..... porn. Apparently she has just found out that people watch porn, especially men, and this was an interesting topic on which she wanted my personal opinion. Do I watch porn? "Sure I've watched porn before" Did my friends watch porn? "Probably, I mean they've got to do something in between eating and sleeping" And when I watched porn did I ever watch heterosexual or lesbian porn because she heard it was quite graphic. I told her I had seen both heterosexual and lesbian porn and that heterosexual porn wasn't that interesting and the best thing about lesbian porn is that the women are always done up so nicely. (I kept the fact to myself that at random gay bars the porn that they played on the televisions is enough to make my eyelashes curl with shock). Then she started asking my dad how much porn he watched and that was when I wanted to take the chopsticks and shove them in my ears till I felt something squishy. We ordered mumsy some wine and she shut it up.

Saturday evening was a night of crazy drunkeness.... which incidentally had nothing to do with me! People mayhaps got drunk and were grabbing other people innappropriately, making out with legitimate senior citizens at blowoff, and maybe doing dance moves from an unamed parker posey movie. I don't judge (who am I kidding?). But whatever I had my lady moment of the evening when I decided that nourishment was what I needed to cap off a very full evening so I decided to get myself a double quarter pounder with cheese and super sized it....and ate it all, it was glorious.

Friday (Five) the thirteenth......oooooooooooooh(scary noise)

1). To this day I still feel uncomfortable standing in front of or near a microwave when it's heating whatever delicious item I am in requirement of. I'm still marginally convinced that to do so will render me either ridden with tumors, mutated so that I can sneeze out of my belly button, or make me grow a horn.

(Actual story, when my grandfather turned 92 he actually started to grow a horn out of his ear, it was actually tissue most closely associated with fingernails but since his DNA had broken down so much his body was going all banana sandwich..... I remember my mom clipping his horn with a pair of nail clippers...... I had to use an emory board on it once.... I kinda wanted to paint it hot pink.... he probably wouldn't have liked that)

2). I'm 80% sure that dogs and cat's and most domestic animals can understand things that people say and then talk about them amongst themselves later. If my dog Chloe aka (HRH la contessa Chloe of DC and MD) lived with me now I wonder what she would tell her friends about my gentlemen callers....

Chloe: Did you see who [Dale] went to dinner with last night? I swear he can do SO much better

Chloe's Dog Friend: Whatever, have you BEEN to the dog park lately?? it aint exactly a buyers market.

Chloe: True but did you see this one's hair??

Chloe's Dog Friend: Don't even get me started, natural hair color my butt.

3). At Christmas when I was little my parents told me that after I went to sleep, all the ornaments on the tree would come alive and play around cuz it was christmas, and then they'd mix up all the ornaments before I woke up and leave one at the foot of my bed to drive the point home. That may have scarred me and I may or may not have had nightmares about the little drummer boy shoving his drum sticks into my eyeball as I dreamt of sugarplums and such.

4). I'm still convinced that if I don't eat rice at least a couple times a week all of a sudden my eyes will go round and my hair will go blonde..... don't laugh at me.... asian people know things, and I aint questioning grandma.

5). When I was very little and learning how to swim some mean-ass big kid told me that the drain at the bottom of the well was there to keep the sharks in their cage. I believed him and went bonkers anyone tried to get me to go in the deep end till I was 7 or 8. I think he has two children out of wedlock and works at Target now...... karma sweet ass karma.

Haiku, because I can

Madge, you not Jolie
Stop Adopting Africans
Adopt me, I'm poor

Blowoff this weekend
Standing in lines for suckers
Make friends with bouncer

Fall season is here
so excited for sweaters
J.Crew is my crack

Halloween is close
No costume ideas yet
I am bad gay man

Lance Bass is a tool
JR's good to kick him out
He should lay off cake

Happy National Coming Out Day

I will not bore everyone with stories of teenage angst, back seats, and the captain of the football team as was my coming out experience. Rather I will leave you with the top ten reasons I'm glad I'm one of the baby jesus's "Chosen People"

10. The ability to watch shows such as Golden Girls, Designing Women, and Roseanne with nary a bit of shame in the world.

9. The wonders of saying inappropriate things in mixed (read: straight people) company and watching them mull over in their heads "was that uncalled for or am I ignorant for not being more sensitive to his gay needs" ...... while I'm talking about how weird it was that my housekeeper found my d*ldo and how we all had a big laugh..... (that was JUST an example, didn't necessarily happen)

8). Rupert Everett

7). The ability to make everyday culinary items into a masterpiece using my vo-gay-bulary. For example, I didn't make shake and bake last night, I made butterflied pork cutlets basted in a bedcrumb and seasoning mixture served baked with assorted blanched greens (frozen green beans), before which I had a wonderful pickled vegetable delicacy (olives out of the jar)

6). Drag Queens, it is my firm belief that every gay person should do drag at least once..... There is nothing in this world that makes you more able to laugh at yourself and be more comfortable in one's skin than doing some drag, even if you do look like a carnie while doing it.

5). Anderson Cooper: Good looking, he's a Vanderbilt for crying out loud!!! Although from what I hear, that lady's a bit too freaky even for me!

4). The ability to be able to have a cocktail at 9 am on a sunday without fear of judgement, and the only question asked is..... what type of vodka would you like?

3). The fantastic ability to be able to relate to people from my lady friends to their jock/meathead boyfriends, I will say that being gay does make you abundantly versatile in the ability to talk to all types of people!!

2). The fear one instills when at a party from the single straight men who are more than aware that two sentences from you and they will not be getting laid by any of the attractive women in the room, most of whom were your friends before the party and all of whom are your friends during.

1). And the best thing I like being gay is......................sex with men..................(Probably expecting something more profound huh?)

Just when you thought everything was peachy

Ok..... So I have as of recently been wearing my contacts to the gym for better or for worse. I'll admit it, I enjoy the eye candy whilst running, working out, stretching, take your pick. Although I will say I do make the most concerted effort not to have roaming eyes in the locker room.

Anyways so I was having a good workout, as one does, a nice run, good stretch, I was hitting my machines and weights the way that I wanted to.

*Aside* I have never been nor will I ever be someone who others mistake for living at a gym, I'm not saying I'm some tub of goo that sits around all the time nor do I look like it, I just don't have veins bulging or arms that could choke a bear, I made my peace with that a LONG time ago and have absolutely no shame about it.

In any event, I'm doing my thing, working out some muscles as one does, and I catch this guy across the room looking at me, so I do the usual...... look directly into his eyes, half smile, and look away and pretend to be REALLY concentrated on either the exercise that I'm doing or whatever happens to be playing on my iPod at that particular moment (it happened to be "I know what boys like", go figure).

Then I look back.... he's still smiling at me. Now this guy is a gentleman whom I would gladly give my contact information to, think 6'5" very attractive, late 20's.

He then saunters over to my machine, so I ever so casually take out my earphone (I'm breezy!) and say "Hey", and he says "Hey my name's [McSweaty]"

And then the bomb drops when he says........

"ummmm by the way do you know you're doing that wrong?"

Not to totally lose my poise and decorum I said, "Oh really? can you show me how to do it correctly? I was a swimmer, some of these machines are wicked foreign to me."

He then showed me how to find an "appropriate weight" and "appropriate use" of the machine in question.

After the tutorial I thanked him and being totally embarassed with thoughts of "hmmm did everyone know I was doing that the wrong way" running through my head I casually walked to the shower, rinsed off the shame, walked home, and may or may not have eaten my weight in peanut butter toast. PS, I'm convinced peanut butter toast solves all things.

Tips.... from me to you.....

This Weekend has all been about the tips..... and I'd like to share some... just from me... to you.

If you go to Vidalia for friday night dinner, don't order the rabbit pot pie, it is legitimately in a pie dish. I ate about half of it and then gave my dad who was across the table from me the "eyes are bigger than my stomach but I still want to eat some of your desert" face. Also, apparently my parents don't understand the terms "no" and "alcohol" in the same sentence. After declining the pre dinner martini and telling my parents I was going to cool it down for a hot minute, my mom said "that's ok, you'll just have wine with dinner"...... these people both have doctorate degrees, you'd think this would be easier to understand.

If you do an AIDS walk on a saturday morning when it's gross outside here are a couple tips.... 1). Dunkin Donuts is always a good choice 2). If, like me, you wore track pants, a hoodie, and a poncho all from your alma mater and you get wet, you will look like a wet fruit of whatever color you're wearing, in my case, cranberry. 3). I feel it's inappropriate to have a DJ from what I could only assume was cobalt at the rally beforehand 4). I'm pretty sure Eleanor Holmes-Norton was drunk when she was giving her ra ra sis boom bah speech. 5). I walked from AdMo to Freedom Plaza, the three mile loop and all the way back.... I walked over 8 miles.... I obviously rule hardcore.

Spending an icky saturday afternoon watching TV, baking pies/fantastic dinner, and hanging out with friends is a great pick me up and a great way to recharge for the night ahead.

Tip for the straight guys out there.... just because I'm gay does NOT mean I want to meet your gay friend whom I would obviously be PERFECT for just because we both like to S*ck D*ck. I'm just going to put it out there but to assume makes an ASS out of U and ME.

Karma is a b*tch, if you go to a party wherein several marines show up that have the combined IQ of a grapefruit and one of whom refers to you as the F*g, just hold tight and wait, especially if they're hornier than a prisoner at the Ms. America pagaeant. Said offender after I heard him referring to me as said F*g, fell down a flight of stairs, got rebuffed by every person with a vagina in the room, and trying to be a cool guy with his tobacco chew, spit a nice long line of ick juice down his right sleeve of his white shirt..... what a winner.

If you're playing drinking games with said Marines (and you're drinking naught but coca cola and they can't hold whatever vile substance they're passing around) and you're playing "Kings" and Questions comes up... it is perfectly fine to stare these uber heterosexual giants in the face and ask things like "so what's up with don't ask don't tell?" or "so do you guys take turns effing each other or is it more of a flipping coin thing?"

I'm at work on columbus day.... my commute was dreamy but the fact that I'm not a federal employee with the day off is anything but.

It's not me..... it's you

Another installment from the Dale school of etiquette for the gay over-financed and under-fabulous...... how to break up with someone.

Now break-ups need only be termed as someone with whom you've been dating, not screwing, for more than a month. Any socialization that is based primarily on sex isn't dating, unless the sex happened after the second date and is always prefaced by a meal and cocktails. Anything else is termed just "socializing" and no formal goodbye is needed to end such liasions, just the inability to pick up phone calls/texts and the inability to recognize the other's presence in a public place.

Now onto the breakup.

First things first, don't be that guy, do it in person. Unless you are out of the country for an extended period of time do it in person. Karma's a b*tch and it will come round to bite you in the bum. Besides, doing it in person denotes a modicum of feeling toward the gentleman being let go from your organization even if said feeling has withered and died like Paula Abdul's singing career.

Secondly, don't do it over a meal. Doing it over a meal will force you to be with this person for an extended and usually awkward period of time, besides it will detrimentally affect your appetite. Oh and don't include large amounts of alcohol into the mix, then the chances of your spilling some tid bit become higher like....... "you know the way your [insert anatomy here] is really oddly shaped"....... I prefer a coffee shop or patio, cocktails are fine just don't overdo.

Thirdly, look them straight in the eye when you're laying down the law, you aren't embarassed, you shouldn't be ashamed, you're doing what you need to do. Besides if you're already looking them in the eye they can't pull the... "Just look me in the eye and say you don't care for me anymore" routine. That line always makes me laugh and that REALLY didn't go over well.

Fourthly, don't bring ANYONE elses name into the conversation, the situation, be it for whatever reason, has to do with you and the gentleman caller. If there is someone else involved (i.e. cheating) always refer to them using pronouns and never names.

Fifthly, don't use cliches, there are specific reasons why you are doing what you're doing, and unless they involve some freaky deaky-ness there's no reason to not share them, who knows, it might help [insert name of gentleman] later in the future.

Sixthly, don't involve in physical contact, that sends mixed messages and I've always found that a hands in the lap, legs under the chair approach was good.... the more formal the more the point will be driven home.

Seventhly, pay for yourself, whatever he offers you, don't accept it, you need to be unfettered by his advances and that won't happen if you let him pick up the last tab. Finish your cocktail/coffee, don't gulp it, thank him and wish him well and be on your way.

These tips might seem cold and hard, and maybe they are, the truth hurts, but a clean break beats messy and sticky any day of the week and twice on sunday.

*I would just like to offer a big EFF you to President Pervez Musharraf for ruining my enjoyable rooftop dinner with all those damn helicopters overhead in my neighborhood. It was a glorious night and I was enjoying a fabulous home cooked meal on a glorious fall night and all of a sudden I was in the middle of a bad Cops show. I can deal with being stuck behind Cheney near the Ritz in a motorcade but I mean come ON.....***

Well I never!!!

Apparently I'm reaching even the trailer parks of West Virginia with this here blog. This morning I got the wonderful gift of this suprise as a comment which was posted this morning to something I'd written in June and, while it wasn't Chaucer it wasn't exactly a Tom of Finland comic either....

"EAT A DICK YOU FAGGOT LOSER. TOO MUCH SPARE TIME AND JUST WAISTED TWO MINS OF MY LIFE. I HATE YOU FOR THAT YOU DEAD SHIT"

Now let's discuss shall we.

1). I have never nor will I ever EAT a d*ck.... whomever told you what homosexual men do in bed must have gotten their info from a baaaad source, as far as I know the majority of gay population enjoy their d*cks and enjoy whomever they choose to socialize with having them as well. Therefore it would be counterproductive for us to be eating each other's d*cks and thus decreasing the amount of d*cks to go around.

2). "TOO MUCH SPARE TIME", are you referring to my spare time for writing the blog or your spare time for reading it?? As far as I know nobody forced you to sit down and read what this F*ggot has to say.

3). I WAISTED two minutes of your time?? First of all I don't think I've "waisted" anything in my entire life, is that something you do to your possums before you fricasee them?

4). Even if I had wASted two minutes of your life, I'm pretty sure sitting down and practicing your hooked on phonics with something other than sounding out BUD-WEI-SER from your trucker cap before you started your shift at the truck yard will do you wonders later on in life when you have to sound out the words PA-TER-NI-TY after you have sex with your cousin.

5). I HATE YOU FOR THAT YOU DEAD SHIT. Big words cowboy, now let me say that nowhere in my body hates you for what you wrote, it doesn't reflect badly upon me nor does it make me even mad at you, honestly I feel bad for you that you spent the time and effort to focus on my peoples and hate on them. I don't have the time or energy to hate you, I have more important things to think about..... like happy hour or belly button lint. And death threats?? why don't you walk around in my neighborhood, Dupont, Logan, hell even Cap. Hill and say that stuff, I know a few muscle queens getting out of WSC, Results, Vida, etc. that would just ADORE to discuss with you the merits of your face meeting concrete/fist. Oh and lady I'm from DC, don't bring that mess up in my house.

6). Now as HRH Dale of Ad-Mo/Dupontia I refuse to stoop to such crude levels in order to express my disdain for such displays of communication. However I will say this having never met you.....

• writing in all caps is so 7th grade
• honestly find another hobby, I hear macrame is making a HUGE comeback
  
• and finally, if all else fails, take a wine bottle, smash top of the neck so it's all nice and pointy, and sit on it.... cuz I'm not the kid you called a F*g in middle school and I'll cut a b*tch.

Tales from the weekend!

Perhaps I saw This Movie on Friday night with two of my peeps post cal-tor goodness.... now I have several things to say about this experience. Namely, Cal-Tor is a bad substitute for the crack-infused wonderment that is The Holy Land. Secondly if you do see the above-linked movie, please for the love of jesus don't go see it on a date, I left the movie pretty much soured on any and all relationships, that is until my a.d.d kicked in and I forgot about it.

I spent the majority of Saturday, after some errands in the morning, doing my favorite activity..... sitting in my ratty old sweatpants watching Sally Fields/Valerie Bertinelli/Judith Light get out of whatever eating disorder/bad relationship/battle with cancer they found themselves in. Oh and I also may have watched the Color Purple and identified with Ms. Oprah because, well, I'm a strong black woman. I also may have watched the Joy Luck Club, and identified with my Asian sisters, I may have eaten sushi while doing that..... don't judge me.

I might have gone out on Saturday night, I might have seen one of my friends ex's who dicked him over. I might have had the following conversation with him

Ex from hell (XFH): Hey [Dale], how are you (attempts to hug me)

Dale: (puts one arm out stop hugging process) I'm sorry, please don't hug me.

XFH: I'm sorry, let me buy you a drink.

Dale: Thanks, but I don't accept drinks from "expletive expletive expletive racial slur expletive" (and exit stage left)


I ate on Sunday at Le Pigalle, which used to be Peppers of mediocre food fame. I would just like to say that the names may have changed but the food sure as poo hasn't. I let the gentleman caller order my drink, he ordered me some sort of drink in a martini glass with chambord and other fruit juices in it. I don't do that. I like my drinks like I like my men, tall, strong and goes down smooth, not hating on the fruity fruit drinks.... well maybe I am a little.

Friday Five..... Why I heart my college straight bf's

As the fall comes and the air starts to get a bit cooler I'm reminded of taking the 12 hour trip up to New England to college in my beautiful beautiful Buick Lesabre (her name is Bertha).... and if you don't think it's a sweet ride then you are incorrect sir. I was happy to get away from the rents, looking forward to seeing all my friends whom I hadn't seen all summer, but the people I was most happy to see were my straight boyfriends.

I'm not what ignorant people would call "straight acting" and for all intents and purposes these guys should have never been friends with me. However at a freshman party one year they were all in the room and knowing not many people except people on the swim team I was quietly sipping my beer in a corner when one of them came over to me.... picture it, 6'5", 250 pounds of New England grade A football craziness comes over to me and yelled over the din.. "Hey, Are you gay?".... the entire room went silent, and instead of being scared and running away (which probably may have been the smarter decision given the environment) I stood up, looked him straight in the eye and said "Why? are you looking for a date because I'm flattered but you're honestly not hot enough." ALLL the other guys started laughing and I had ingratiated myself. ANYWAYS, for the next four years these guys were my best friends, so it was about 10 guys from the football team averaging about 6'4" and 200 pounds a piece.... and then me who, soaking wet, barely breaks 150. Here are 5 little gems that I treasure about my straight boyfriends.

1). Showing up at parties with these guys and having at least one of them say "if anybody messes with you we'll F*ck them up.... just tell us." mmmhmmm who traveled with security even in college??? that's right b*tches that's how I roll.

2). On more than one occassion this lady may have been a little inebriated and mayhaps wanted to fall asleep wherever I happened to be. Being the good straight boyfriends they were I may have been slung over one of these guys shoulders, they may or may not have tucked me in more than once. I always would repay them..... obvy with a case of natty bo.

3). Sometimes we'd go to other colleges and we may or may not have challenged some of these guys to drinking games, they'd get to pick someone on our team and we'd pick someone on their team to go shot for shot..... for whatever reason (6'3" and 150 pounds) I'd get picked and I'd go up against some guy with something to prove..... and inevitably the only thing he'd prove was that tequila looks very similar coming back up than what it looked like going down.

4). Two of my football buddies, I convinced to take hip hop dance class with me..... I may have also convinced them to participate in the performance at the end of the year. I may or may not have told everyone and their mother. They may have had to turn people away at the auditorium because there were so many people that it would have been a fire hazard. We may or may not have gotten a standing O. One of them may or may not have given a speech at graduation where me convincing him to take a dance class was featured prominently.

5). I definitely instituted the first ever drag show at my school to benefit the local gay youth organization. I definitely performed my first year in 4 inch stiletto black leather boots, a mini skirt and a bright pink wig. PS I make one UUUUGGGGLLLLLY woman. I made them all come as I, along with a nice lesbian friend did our rendition of Michael Jackson's "the way you make me feel." I definitely had a wonderful time and they were all there in attendance offering their drunken support. Afterwards needing to blow off some steam I mayhaps have had too much to drink and was relieving my stomach in the toilet with one of them holding my fake wig back.... and said.... wow, I never thought I'd be holding a drag queen's hair back while she puked... this is kinda weird. It probably would have been funnier if I wasn't booting all over.

So while I love my gay friends and wouldn't trade them in for the world, the crisp air makes me want to open a Natty Bo, put on my hoodie and sweats aka my drinking clothes, and sit down with my straight boys.

From the desk of Dale

Dear 19 year old that I had the unfortunate experience of being introduced to last night,

You are obviously not 28 as you claimed. You are probably not even legal to be at the establishment at which you were introduced to me. You should have gathered by my demeanor that A). my polite hello was to be the extent of our interaction [bow, introduce, move on is standard protocol] B). If you think showing up with a man that had to be in his late 40's while I can still smell your mom's milk on your breath wasn't going to raise our regal eyebrow then you were wrong. C). I may have given you the benefit of the doubt had I not seen you at JR's literally bouncing/jumping up and down when [insert random dance remix of 80's pop song here] came on. D). When, after all that and the fact that you ordered the girliest drink in life, I decided to take you down a peg and asked you how you celebrated labor day and you said [insert late 40's man name here] took you to the beach and I said.... "oh, did you forget to leave your white belt under the boardwalk?? cuz you're wearing it and let me check my watch.... yup.... just as I thought.... it's after labor day." So sweet little child, please stop jumping/bouncing at JR's, don't buy your accessories at Claires, and for the love of cher please don't get your eyebrows done by someone who apparently doesn't like you very much. Also..... don't act like you can roll with the big dogs baby child cuz I will own you and make you cry.

Dear Man in Late 40's who is dating the 19 year old,

Please don't parade him around like a toy poodle and pretend like it's impressive.... it's not. At this point I'd equate your actions to the "come here small child, I've got a drink for you and it tastes delicious!" line of reasoning. I'm not above accepting tributes to our person in the form of adult beverages however, I'm also not a, wearing a white belt after labor day, using words like fierce in every other sentence combined with "that's hot," and having conversations that seem to center around how fierce christina's new single is or how hot his new outfit from contempo casual is. Honestly if you want to recapture your youth, recapture YOURS, not someone elses.... oh and I think it'd work faster if you just outright sucked the blood out of his body. just saying.


Dear Senator George Allen,

So apparently when y'all were sitting round your upper middle class christmas dinner growing up as a family in your nice little heterosexual norman rockwell world it would never occur to you that, in fact, your momma was raised a north african jew. Hmmm gay marriage aint looking so bad now huh Georgey, cuz it aint gonna be too long before some reporter goes back to Tunisia and finds some little black baby that you share your wonderful close-minded genetic legacy with. I can see your next campaign ad now..... Vote for George Allen, for, like great men before him, he too is a white man with black relatives!!

Oh where oh where has dale gone......

Just in case you're about to sit down to eat before reading this post...... don't.

Sorry my little duckies.... momma's food poisoning... yes, food poisoning and not e.coli infection has knocked her on her ass with this charmer going from couch... to bed... to the bathroom... to the bathroom....to the bathroom... to the bathroom. PS when you throw up pure bile it really does look like you've swallowed a highlighter. However thankfully I've begun to be on the mend however I don't think I'll be needing to do any ab exercises for the rest of the decade. Also another tip from me to you, if you get pure bile on any fabric it will act like pure bleach so you might want to tie your hair back and not wear anything billowy, or nice.

I feel like I'm basically the poster child for the weird ass diseases and injuries...... here's a little tasteroo...


Picture it.... I'm 7, I get a fun condition called toxic synovitis.... can't walk for a week because my hips and knees are so inflamed from the viral infection in my joints that I look like one of those sally struthers kids..... (I may or may not have told the school nurse when I was 10 that I had this condition again and she may or may not have believed me and called my nanny to take me home)

Fast Forward...... I'm 16, I've been a platform diver for at least 5 years. I'm up doing my thing on the 10m platform, which while 32.81 feet in the air doesn't sound like THAT much, when you're up there it's pretty effing high. So I run... I jump.... I do my flippy doo, and I go into the water when all of a sudden my chest is KILLING me and I can't move my left arm, so starting to freak out I go to the side of the pool and my mom has to take me to the ER where they discover that I've...... yup.... popped a hole in my lung, which apparently happened because of the change in air pressure...... it healed by itself but it wasn't the sweetest time in life.

Fast forward again....... I'm 18, and a freshman in college.... I'm having chinese food with some friends and were also sharing this experience with a bottle of pinot noir. I get asked to open the bottle and being the genius I am put my chopsticks in my mouth lengthwise...... yank on the cork with the ghetto corkscrew.... the cork pops out hits the chopsticks which then pierce the lining of the back of my throat... all of a sudden my throat and mouth are really warm.... and then it hits me, because they're filling up with blood.... another trip to the ER and some bandagey stuff later and the doctor starts laughing at me for being such a re re.

Fast forward once more.... I'm 19 and taking an intensive course that lasts 6 weeks called Cellular and Molecular Biology or Cell Hell, 4 hours of lecture in the morning followed by 4 hours of lab in the afternoon with an exam every friday. Sweet, so obviously sleep and good nutrition were not paramount to me and I subsisted on a diet of coffee, ciggarettes, and nutra grain bars. In any event this lady then contracted an ulcer which got infected and I developed a nice little viral infection on top of that, I just thought I had a stomach ache and went on my merry way.... until the morning I couldn't get out of bed because all my stomach muscles had seized and I couldn't move.... so I called the ambulance which drove me 4 yes 4, blocks to the hospital... The cherry on this sundae? While convalescing I made the hospital staff drive me to class every day and to lab in the afternoon and wheeled me around in my wheelchair, IV dangling. Did I get a B+ in that class? you bet your a$$ I did.

I know this saga is far from over..... and I also know that while I'll survive all of this, someday I'll be old and gray and richer than elizabeth taylor and oprah combined, I'll choke on a cherry pit and die..... I just hope I'm wearing clean underwear.

Weekend Roundup

Blowoff = fun times. I will be going again.

I was consulted by new staff at a burgeoning gay bar in DC in order that he might look the part of a gay bartender as he's of the hetero variety, I may or may not have made him buy underwear with a lift support systemy thing. I crack myself up.

I will never ever go to sette on connecticut avenue ever again.... two words.... food poisoning.... as of this morning all my insides were on the outside, needless to say I'm in a less than stellar mood.

Thursday......Five?

Since I will be spa-ing it up for most of the day tomorrow only to take short breaks for pilates and walking the dog around the country estate, I will not be posting tomorrow my little duckies, so I will leave you with five delicious thoughts to send you into the weekend.

1). Whitney's not having it toooodaaaaaaayyyyyyyy. Apparently she and Bobby Brown are done-zo.... now Bobby, haven't we learned the lessons of other man-servant/husbands that if you want to remain on the gravy train you have to keep your head out of the crack-dens, also you and your fellow leeches of life should realize that just because you are attached to someone who, at one point had a talent that was marketable to the american people, that does not mean that YOU yourself have talent.... that's like saying, "Oh well I have an asian friend so that makes me a ninja". Because no... little ducky, it surely does not.

2). Adrian Fenty has been, for all intensive purposes, voted as the new mayor of the District of Columbia. I wonder if he will take my oh so sage advice for a district wide ban on jean shorts, visors, and sleeveless T's?? Or at least institute a tax loop for me being able to write off my bar tabs at gay bars as "multicultural outreach networking." c'mon Fenty..... PS how pissed off is he that his parents named him Adrian.... so unfortunate.

3). JR's on 17th just celebrated it's 20th Anniversary, which means that when it opened I was 4, who would have known on that day in 1986 that JR's was not even a glint in my lacoste/izod clad eyes, complete with requisite knee socks with the colored stripes at the top, rocking the keds and shorts with the white piping around the edges. PS who wanted to be liono so bad he carried the sword around with him at all times?? yup this guy. Now I just wanna be liono so I can wear a unitard and knee boots and yell HO at the top of my lungs.

4). As was evident in MW this week, some gays will go to the opening of an envelope if enough booze is offered. I however turned down my invitation for the opening of a new gym in DC, for several reasons, firstly events at gyms tend not to be the social event of the season lest we forget last years "fashion show" at resluts which I am sad to say I attended. Secondly who the hell goes to the opening of a gym? it's not exactly like the opening of a bar, club, or super social institution?? Thirdly, as we are currently operating from our country estate we have not the effort or energy to attend what I consider to be a tier 3 event.... Tier one being events held at super social clubs and bars, Tier two consisting of events at restaurants and cafe's, and Tier three being places I wouldn't ever go to unless I was promised enough booze to erase any bad time I would probably have.

5). Pumpkin Spice latte's have ushered in the fall.... is it just me or is anyone else having a wtf what happened to summer moment?? Oh well, I look cute in cable-knits and scarves.

The Crazy Convention is apparently in town

When it rains it pours I guess.... Either that or I'm releasing some sort of pheremone that says... if you are sketchy, mentally unbalanced, or just plain weird then please not only approach me but please hit on me with awkward overtures.


Now this is why I don't do the internet dating thing. Sure, it works for many people, I know of several successful relationships that have been products of the internet. I however, am not one of those people. The last time I tried to do the internet dating thing, the gentleman in question thought that I was a hooker and asked me how much I'd charge for a night, so good track record I don't have.

Anyways so when I got a message on the Gay Registry, I was a bit wary. 27, grad student..... seemed pretty inocuous.

Now for those of you that aren't in the know, I'll pretty much talk to a doorknob if I think it'll listen so obviously in an effort to combat boredom I emailed this gentleman back, with very platonic, very non-suggestive language just asking him about his grad. degree, where he lived, etc. etc. and so forth.

.........................And then I got the email yesterday that convinced me that in fact, the baby jesus has sent me yet another sign that internet dating is not for this lady.

1). He started going on and on about how he was so excited to be going to his Bible Study yesterday. Now you know what, religion is a great thing, I prescribe to it, however Bible study creeps me out, I get the image of one of those David Koresh/Polygamist Mormon Camps in my head where the women all look like little house on the prairie and the children all look like they're the product of inbreeding (small hands.... like carnies). I'm convinced he speaks in tongues or some such nonsense.

2). Within the next two sentences he said one of his amateur talents is massage and that "perhaps being a hard working boy I'd like one sometime." Now if your skin didn't crawl at that you are cold and dead on the inside. Maybe he's trying to lure me to his den of iniquity to cast out the gay demons in my soul..... or maybe he's just sketchy and trying to touch me in my no no spot.

I then promptly replied with the..... thank you for your offer (politeness always) but the only people I accept massages from are within institutions that have the word S-P-A at the end of their names, while I'm sure that you have received compliments from other people in the past on your massage talents, I don't think I will be benefitting from said skills. Also, while I have been known to attend church (sometime in the last decade), Bible study is kinda creepy. Thank you for your interest and I'm sorry to say that our interaction will now be reduced to not at all.

P.S. I'm convinced that the baby jesus has been f*cking with me recently, in the past two weeks I've dealt with this winner, mr. man that thought I was a stripper, one ex who wanted to apologize for winning the a$$hole of the year award, another ex that left me a very lewd txt message, and a certain gentleman that's been trying to have sex with me since I was 17 leave me a VERY lewd txt and two voicemails...... I better be winning the lottery or something cuz this is just ridiculous.

P.P.S. - Bebar? Charging a cover for a bar in BFE? lol. Charging a VIP fee for access to a private room?? in DC? LOL. Plus if I wanted to pay for overpriced watered down drinks while standing around preening I'd go to Halo.... at least from there I can go across the street to Whole Foods and get a spicy tuna roll.

Oh hellllllz no

So ok, I may have been stopped on the Street walking home one evening before we decided to travel to our country home this past weekend and was stopped by a gentleman who was not wholly unattractive who said he'd seen me out before and was wondering if I was on my way to a place where he could buy me a beverage. I was in more of a "disney movie and pj's" type of place but didn't want to brush him off, I gave him my phone number..... I really shouldn't have done that.

Sunday morning rolled around and I check my phone and see that I have a missed call from an unknown 202 number so it being brunchy time and I being sated with leftover chinese food and a mimosa I return said phone call.

Mmmhmm it turns out he was getting off of work at 4 in the morning when he called and just wanted to drop me a line.... who the poo does that??? Strike one.

Turns out he is a bouncer at a straight club that is not located in the NW quadrant of our fair city. Turns out when probed for which straight club he wouldn't name the club when I asked which one. Turns out that would be a side job for his primary job as a construction worker.... sketchiness factor for being shady has been elevated and we have a strike two.


So I asked him where he'd seen me out before, I was thinking it'd be along the lines of a JR's or L'Auriol Plaza or even maybe a Fox & Hounds sighting...... turns out I was wrong and the following convo is evident.

Me: So where'd you see me out? (thinking JR's probably in my head)

Sketch Master Flex (SMF): Oh I think I saw you dancing a while ago.

Me: (Thinking to myself that I haven't been to Sadlands or Hobalt in months) Oh really? I don't think I've been dancing in a really long time.

SMF: Oh it was pretty recent, it was probably Wet or Fuego or something.

Me: Ummm those are strip clubs though, not much of a dancefloor, plus the last time I was at a Strip club was for 20 minutes in January.

SMF: No you were on the stage, you're a stripper right??

Me: (Heat rising, eyes bulging out as I hear this over the phone) I'm sorry, I don't think I heard you correctly..... you think I'm a what??

SMF: A stripper, I could have sworn I've seen you onstage at Wet at least

Me: I'm sorry, I have never, and will never be a stripper, not that there is anything wrong with shaking all the blessings you've received from the baby jesus however I will never be part of that professional group.

SMF: Oh. Well if you're free I'd still like to take you out for a drink sometime.

Me: I'm sorry, I don't believe that will be happening in the forseeable future, maybe you should go back to wet and try to find whomever you thought I was originally.

Strike Three


P.S. - I'm still on the fence about if being mistaken for a stripper is a compliment or an insult. I either look like I could be paid for taking my clothes off or a cracked out boat person like in "Fame"....... *sobbing* fame!.....I wanna live forever......

Don't F*CK with me fellas!!!!!

Sorry for the late posting.... hiatus etc. etc. and so forth

However I'm gonna share five things on this fine friday that are sure to piss me off.... just so we're clear.

1). Don't F*ck with my friends..... I may or may not have been known to threaten people's lives that were messing with my friends. As some of y'all may or may not know, I'm not the most subdued person when it comes to such things but I have absolutely no qualms about going up to just about anyone and letting them in on the secret that were they to f*ck with one of my friends I will make every movement painful for them for a very long time. Oh and if you date one of my friends and you cheat, mistreat, or are a general douche bag watch out..... mayhaps everyone will find out about that nasty rash you had last year or that you used to crap yourself in elementary school...or maybe I'll pick your pocket, steal your car keys and throw them away.....

2). Don't call me any of the following: exotic, hispanic, filipino, asiatic, oriental..... I will not only educate you on why those terms are not only offensive but also ignorant I will then make sure that at whatever establishment you are at, you will not be getting laid there for a very long time.

3). Making references to "straight acting" or "masculine acting." The reason I have a problem with both of those terms is that A). There's no such thing as straight acting, the only straight act that I can think of involves a penis, a vagina, and insertion. B). Straight acting just points to one's own insecurity with how they are perceived, and I dont' know about y'all but while I enjoy clothes, sparkly things, wearing tight jeans and the golden girls I can also build a fire, build a toilet out of wood and twine, know how to shoot a gun, and go toe to toe with any card carrying breeder-man at a bar. C). Butch in the streets nelly in the sheets..... all I'm saying, it's always the "straight-acting" guys that end up wanting some nelly ass queen to dominate them.
D). Barring any personal sexual proclivities that I may have, at what point did being a bottom automatically make one a big sissy?

4). Don't wear short-sleeve button downs..... for the love of jesus please let the madness end!!

5). Putting Sweaters on Dogs..... they already have fur, please don't be that guy.

Internal Tornado

This past weekend..... ridiculous. I may or may not have outed a total stranger at a house party.... I may or may not have ended my streak of going to JR's for 5 nights in a row, and my liver and wallet are thankful.... I may or may not have repeated a stride of pride/walk of shame from a similar location for the past two monday mornings in a row.

This week will be known as monastery week because aside from the gym and work I won't be leaving my condo WHICH I still need to finish decorating.... good thing I haven't been there for basically 6 months.... oh wait.

Post Monastery week we will be retiring to our country home where I will be tending to other matters that I'm far too waspy and reserved to address in this forum.... sorry darlings but trust me, it's boring anyways and as much fun as I have bitching, whining is entirely another matter and something that I abhor.

So if posting is intermittent we do apologize.... However I will leave you with a question that has been on our bejewelled head....

If you had to choose between going to Key West between christmas and new years to a glorious house and have a week of laying on the beach and fun or going to Capetown South Africa next year sometime for maybe 2 weeks which would you pick??? The only thing I'd have to pay for the entire time in both cases would be a plane ticket btw.

Friday Five Adios Summertime!!

Dear Summer, Thank you for imparting me with your warmth and loving glow these past couple of months... I'd like to say it wasn't time for you to leave but I will enjoy walking from my condo to other fabulous locales without my arms stretched out in order to quell the absorption of sweat into my couture. You did however teach me some very valuable lessons and I would be remiss if I didn't give credit where credit is due.

1). Working in retail as a supplementary source of something to do on the weekends is good for only one thing. Discounts. Don't do it for the money cuz it will be marginal, don't do it to make friends, it's going to be mostly pretentious douchebags that work there. Therefore if you decide to work in a retail location pick the one with the best discounts.... mine was 70%..... eat that up b*tches... 98 dollar polo was 29 bucks..... super sweet.

2). Since it's summer the chance that you'll be seen on the arm of someone whom you may not have wanted to be seen with because you had a little drinky poo is very high as more people are outside. I suggest bringing a friend along to act as a filter before stepping out into the dispensaries of alcohol. Although if your friend gets drunk too you're pretty much eff'd.... just try not to make out on the street, that's tacky.

3). Going tubing with a group of friends is the perfect way to while away a lazy sunday. The only things that make it better are putting booze into the mix and perhaps going au naturale....

4). Ray Ban Sunglasses will never be in style.... ever.... again. I don't care if they were the tits in 1992 with the requisite lime green croakie around your neck. Please throw them away or I'm going to stand behind you and softly hum the theme song to Miami Vice and perform the awkward robot dance.

5). As hard as I tried, and for as many edicts and fatwa's that I issue there was still a cornucopia of men that wore Jean shorts, Visors, and sandals that incorporated buckles and more straps than the Leather Rack. Summer please take these heinous articles of clothing with you so that my eyes aren't burned by their blatant lack of taste.


I am so ready for fall, bring on the cardigans and blazers!!!!

SOOOOO MANY QUESTIONS

I.... by nature.... am quite inquisitive...and as I sat contemplating the purple sunset last night and having a nice glass of Johnny Walker black (how butch am I?) I was pondering several little smatterings, maybe you have the answers.... maybe they're just mysteries for the ages.

Is it acceptable to wear a ballcap and glasses on a date?? Is it weird that I might do it anyways?

Why is it that I became almost offended at JR's on Sunday by being called "exotic" not once, not twice but three times.... like I'm half peacock or something..... next time somebody's going to get a fresh one in the pie hole.

Why do some men build up their bodies thinking that it makes up for their busted faces?

After reading it in T-shirt form.... does "Plow Boy" mean you are the plow-er or the plow-ee?

Why did I think doing shots with Mr. Henry last night was a good choice? why do I EVER think they're a good choice?

Why do people visit the WWII memorial and take pictures only next to their home state like it's the coolest thing in life??

Is it wrong that I'm afraid that I'm going to get shanked each and every time I'm invited to go to Chaos by someone??? oh that's right, because there are some scary characters up in there.

Deep like a kiddie pool

This weekend was spent partially in recluse at the rents house with some QT family time with my grandfather and crazy great aunt, who, managed to insult 2 waitresses and the owner of the restaurant we were patronizing on Saturday.... thankfully the waitresses and the owner only speak broken english and couldn't speak Japanese so I don't know if "you know if you ate more vegetables you wouldn't be so heavy" translated. Plus my great aunt turned 90 this past week, so if all goes well in 2072 I will also be a wrinkled old person with so much jewelery on my arms and neck I can barely lift my head and arms who can call wait staff fat and get away with it.

I spent Saturday evening hanging out by myself watching some good ole fashioned cable and thinking about stuff and things, as I'm want to do at times and something that happened recently that's been bothering me kept popping up in my head. I was out at a local establishment recently and one of the barstaff gave me kind of a back handed compliment and told me that he remembered when I used to come in and be all smiles and that I had a very nice smile and it's a shame he hasn't seen me smile in a long time.

What happened to my smile??? I still haven't figured that one out but I'll be damned if I'm not gonna find it again. I guess I may have been letting a couple things bother the crap out of me to the point where I've become unecessarily stressed out and unhappy, however, key things to remember can consist of:

1). Not knowing what you want to do for the rest of your life at 24 is ok.

2). The fact that grad school might not happen on your schedule isn't the worst thing in the world and it doesn't make you stupid.

3). Everyone wants a better job that pays more, get in line lady you aren't unique.

After my reflective period I balanced out the rest of the weekend by going back to my condo, watching a special on Queen Elizabeth's Jewelery and going out and trying to recapture my smile because after all, you catch more bees with honey than you do with vinegar, no matter how well sculpted vinegar's cheekbones are :).

Friday Five.... Dale Says....

Don't you love the Confucius Says fortunes in fortune cookies??? Don't you wish there were sayings that were relevant to your life?? Don't you wish they had that little bit of sass that only the most fabulous can dole out??? well.....

1). Dale Says: The best laid plans of mice and men are soon to go awry if you introduce two high gravity olde english 40's into your body.

2). Dale Says: After getting home and deciding not to go out after waking up from your excursion in 40-town, it is always a good idea to pour yourself a drink and watch The Joy Luck Club and re-connect with the strong asian woman inside.

3). Dale Says: The crockpot is the best invention of the modern age, you can do no wrong with a crockpot, it is glorious.

4). Dale Says: It doesn't matter if John Karr is guilty of killing Jon Benet or not. He's creepy as hell and shouldn't be allowed in public.

5). Dale Says: It is perfectly acceptable to light a candle and have a moment of silence when you try to fit into your jeans from 5 years ago and find that they no longer will fit over your bum, and then get yourself a cocktail to dull the deep emotional scar. PS I'm still not sure if this is good that they don't fit anymore or bad...

Double Trouble

Darlings, something was brought to our regal attention this morning that necessitates sharing with y'all. One of my friends (Sebastian) forwarded me this article by ABC news on the predictions of an impending draft in this little "situation" that our "president" has us involved in. Now don't ask don't tell being what it is, you might think that we of the more sparkly persuasion would be safe from harm.... but I'm thinking that Bushy will be doing away with that one and looking for any warm body to fill a pair of combat boots.

Now, in discussing with Sebastian about this issue he posed that there would be all gay units a la tuskeegee airmen and 442nd fame.... and the thought immediately jumped into my head of "Operation Get Behind the Darkies" and this lady won't be having any of that mess.

If we were to have all gay units however, and I'm assuming they'd be co-ed I have come up with several strategies that hopefully would keep us all in one piece while we were forced to listen to our "fearless leader"

Operation Vaginal Fury: Our Sapphic sisters would be on the front lines of this one. Nothing says scared crapless like a muslim man who has spent his whole life subjugating women being faced with a female who has biceps bigger than his thigh carrying an ak-47 with a bayonet on the tip. These lovely ladies would be closely followed by our drag queen contingent.... who, while having an average height of about 6'7" with heels and wig, would be able to handle any stragglers that the lovely lesbians left behind.

Operation Marry a European: This one's pretty self explanatory..... let's see... mass weddings in spain in Tenerife or Gran Canaria??? Or perhaps La Cote D'Azur??Anyone?? I call dibs on preferrably a Gentleman of similar social rank so I can there-forthwith be known as Princess Consort [Dale] of hereford-lancaster-shire and Sweden and DC, Queen of the Realm and defender of the Gin.

Operation Happy Hour: Now I know that the muslim world bars the consumption of alcohol but how many of those soldiers you think has a little nippy poo stashed away somewhere??? I for damn sure would if I had to look like that 24/7 without an aesthetician on speed dial. Anyways this plan pretty much centers around challenging them to a drinking contest which they will obviously accept because what chauvinist doesn't fancy themselves a better drinker than a light in the loafers queen???? that's when we drink them under the table and when they're all passed out we tie them up.... and I know some of you S&M queens out there know your way around a rope and some chains.....

We could also.... I dunno.... withdraw from Iraq in entirety.... but then what would he have to blame the ills of the world on??? and Pat Robertson already blamed Katrina on the gays...

Conspiracy Theory

I'm pretty sure about a couple of things, the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot and the Grassy Knoll not-withstanding......

I'm pretty sure that last night on Project Runway Michael Kors couldn't find his mother so he had Karl Lagerfeld dress up in drag and pretend to be icy and german, which is obviously a stretch for a man that thinks nazi leather is the fabric of our lives much like cotton. Let's review the evidence

Here we have Michael and his "Mother" aka K-Lag












And here we have Karly-Karl....... and can't you hear him giving birth to Michael Kors....

Karl: [in deep german] I am over this whole "creating life" thing. It's so last season

Nurse: Mr. Lagerfeld, it's a beautiful Baby boy... you should name it Michael Kors!!!

Karl: (Looks at Baby) it's kind of fat, go get some coke from one of my models and put some stormtrooper boots on that thing, I want her ready for my fall show.

Nurse: But.... it's a boy, and he can't walk yet.

Karl: I'm over you (whips out fan and b*tch smacks nurse with it)



The other conspiracy theory I've got brewing is that I think that at my gym there are people who are paid by the governing company just to go and stand around to either make the gym seem more attractive/athletic, or to make the patrons feel bad enough about themselves so that they either whip themselves into shape or stop going but continue to pay their dues. I have yet to see any of them actually work out, instead of standing around looking at themselves in the mirror.....not that I haven't been sneaking a peek myself. However I've developed a great solution to foil their plans to influence me...... I leave my glasses in the lockerroom..... which probably would have been a better plan had I not walked into not one, but two machines yesterday..... I bet I looked real slick..... that'll show those bastards.

I feel like I missed the memo

I feel like everyone and their mother is breaking up/ being broken up with this week.

I feel like not getting on the steady summer-lovin gravy train was perhaps not the worst choice I've ever made.

I believe I'm a very seasonal dater. I always seem to have something going on in the oven fall/winter/spring but never the summer.... I think I've figured it out.

Spring: Free from the doldrums of winter we are reminded of the beginnings of life.... and where does all life begin? with sex, and where does all sex begin..... with a cocktail... I mean... with men. One is prone to the itch.

Summer: I've never understood the summer romance phenomenon outside of meeting guys whilst I was a lifeguard or at a camp setting. During the summer it's all about hanging out with my friends and doing crazy sh*t, which at least for me is less so when a sig-other is involved. Plus I feel like many "date" activities in the summer are outdoor centered and I don't go on dates where I sweat, at least not till after the meal.

Fall: I feel like fall is a wonderful restaurant month, a great time in which to "meet for coffee" or "dinner and a movie." It's not cold enough where being outside is a hassle but not warm enough that you feel all sweaty and gross.

Winter: I like having a GC around to keep me warm and bring me hot cocoa and watch movies. I'm delicate like a flower....don't judge me.

Now that fall is fast approaching I better get on my applicant screening process.....hmmmm now I just have to schedule interviews......

Cuhhhraaaazy@!!!!@!

Has anyone else been privy to the crazy war that's been ensuing via craigslist over the fact that gentlemen at the duplex diner are wearing clothes from Abercrombie and Fitch?? Yes, apparently for those of you that aren't cool like me and stalk craigslist missed connections, the synopsis is that a bunch of chilluns are b*tching that the men at duplex aren't dressing their age and the men at duplex most of whom are 37+ apparently are b*tching at the chilluns because they should be able to wear "stylish" clothes..... and then there are those that think we should all hold hands and sing kumbayah

Let me break it down for you.

A&F hasn't been stylish since 2000. Sorry... just hasn't. I know it takes a while for everyone to realize but the whole frat boy look? yeah it's done.... it's over....

Now onto the warring factions:

E-Tard Chilluns: I'm sorry but I think it's time y'all stopped sniffing your body glitter, yes duplex attracts older men, and apparently your grave-robbing selves have been interested enough to not only go, but been sober enough to remember what people were wearing because someone wasn't buying your pink belt wearing selves a drink. It's ok darlings, I'd be bitter too if nobody paid any attention to me, thankfully I don't know what that's like. Oh, ps.... little tip, wearing shirts from contempo casual and AE girls section that say things like "princess" and "diva"..... yeah not gonna lie.... just as bad.

37+ Men in Abercrombie: Wonderful, you spend your lives at the gym in order to compensate for the fact that when you actually were in your twenties people called you a F@g. I'm glad you can fill out a t-shirt.... really.... I enjoy. However, wearing clothes in a non-athletic setting that say things like A&F Athletic club 1945 or whatever isn't stylish, it isn't now, it just.... isn't. You would honestly have better luck capturing your youth by eating baby placenta. Also just a little tip from me to you..... a man with a nice body in a dress shirt or polo would melt my butter a million times more than some gym bunny in a shirt that says "Seabrook County Wrestling Squad" with a little A&F logo on the breast... just trying to help y'all out. Oh PS... another giveaway, when y'all tuck that sleeveless T into your jeans.... that's just a crime against the baby jesus.

Kumbayah Dirty Hippies: Gays? Judging Each Other? Get the heck out of here!!!! Lemme guess darlings, y'all have "great personalities" and enjoy to talk for hours about.....ummmm.... I dunno.... holding hands??? Gays by nature are a judgmental group of queens no matter what age, shape, or size, I suggest y'all better sharpen your claws and have better arguments than "we should all just get along" or you're going to get all y'all torn a new one.


It's a good thing I'm not still miserable and congested...........

I guess I'm just not that young anymore

This stupid sinus infection is bugging the poop out of me, I haven't been able to go to the gym in a week due to the medicine-head sensation I've been under.

I WAS banking on my plan of OD'ing on herbal tea and sleeping in several layers of clothes and under comforters to sweat my "visitor" out of my sinus cavities.... I will call her gloria.... Gloria is getting deported back to Cuba VERY soon.

I WAS planning on being better by today but the weekend rolled around and I tried to cram a month of fun into two days. Needless to say I still don't feel well and am going hermit style till this lady is back in full effect.

HOWEVER......

I was watching TV tonight and a commercial for one of the viagra knockoffs came on and so did the warning of "If you have an erection for more than four hours please go to your nearest emergency room."

My only thought??

There are a lot of scared 13 year old boys in the viewing audience right now.


Thank you.... I'll be here all week.... remember to tip your waiter.... try the veal.

Friday Five.... Good Idea/Bad Idea

1). Beverages
Good Idea: Lady Co-Co making the executive decision to have a refreshing beverage before going to happy hour which may or may not have included making art out of the thirty shot glasses I attained from last weeks beach adventures.

Bad Idea: Lady Co-Co after getting the first cocktail of the evening doing a face plant on the floor after tripping up the stairs at the local alcohol distribution establishment.

2). Company
Good Idea: Having fun with the Dupont Ladies Auxillary Church Group

Bad Idea: I'm pretty sure I kept calling one of their friends a dirty boat person.... it's ok I'm ethnic, I'm allowed.

3). Food
Good Idea: Procuring food at a nearby establishment

Bad Idea: Procuring food at the glass coffin and then going home and eating leftovers.....my stomach doesn't like me right now.

4) Ex-Factor Good Idea: Having an ex buy you a drink (bombay and tonic thanks) because he hasn't seen you in a while and you look spectacular, not to mention he really really wants you.

Bad Idea: Thinking that conversation with another separate ex, whose contract you did not renew upon review of key negotiating points, was a good idea... awkward robot dance...cuzz it's sooooo awkward.

5). Post Happy Hour activities
Good Idea: Going to Blockbuster with Lady Co-Co to procure Disney watching goodness

Bad Idea: Apparently seeing a cute guy outside, and not telling Lady Co-Co where I was going, talking to cute guy while lady Co-Co almost gets arrested for freaking out in the blockbuster because I'd disappeared

Tout le monde.... ecouter moi!!

Now Class... I realize that with summer's end in sight we are once again going to revive Dale's Finishing School for Gayward Boys..... Now as many of you have had summer accessorys (men) over the summer I believe we once again need to review tips on how to not date someone that isn't complimentary to you.

1). Height comparability: If he comes up to your nipple or you to his.... please for the love of the baby jesus save me the pain of having to make the david and goliath jokes to your face. If you are of the amazonian set much like am at my regal height of 6'3" I realize that this may be difficult in the liliputian city of DC, but honestly it's better than feeling like your holding hands with your niece/nephew walking down the runway.

2). The wearing of matching clothes: If your gentleman caller (GC) feels the need to go matchy matchy on your trips to the store, bar, brunch etc. I will label you as a tourist and banish you to the dirty dirty vag. Were all snowflakes people..... effing snowflakes.

3). Don't date someone with the same name as you: Don't be that guy.... just don't. *PS in college I totally dated a midget with the same name as me..... on a scale of one to bad choice, yeah. that was a bad choice.*

4). If your GC puts his hand in your back pocket when walking down the street he's done-zo: I'm sorry, holding hands... fine. one arm around anothers waist.... sure I can handle that.... the back pocket thing makes me think of bangs and fringe with acid washed tapered jeans... and do you really want to do that to people? The same is true for the fingers through the belt-loops... don't make me hurt you for that one.

5). If he lives in an outlying suburb of DC without a car: I'm sorry, even if you are automotively-capable much like I am, he should not expect you to commute from the gloriousness of the city to places like....Ballston or Clarendon.

5b). There are many reasons not to go to the Vag and Metro Weekly has done a bangup job of documenting said sadness: besides the one gentleman on the last page WHO I would bet dollars to doughnuts lives in DC or MD, there is not one person with whom I would be seen in public..... I mean I could just be being mean but was there an outreach program for the ugly and unfortunate that night???

So the take away lesson boys and more boys is: it is much better to be single and fabulous than attached to someone who will make other people want to commit acts of violence and aggression on you for disturbing the delicate gay balance of my demeanor.

blah blah blah

Unfortunately I've been battling a sinus infection all week no doubt contracted from sharing shot glasses with the military boys from last weekend at the beach, and I've been unable to grace the gym with my precense thereby depriving all of the eligible men's with my ability to bend in ways that would make circus performers cry. Hopefully I will beat this horrible condition like a trailer park housewife soon and not feel like a ball of goo sitting on my couch.

Oh wait.... except I went out last night... and by out I mean myself and senor chip headed over to H. Marys (I refuse to call it Dakota Cowgirl) for some half price burgers, celebrating his return home from the land of llamas and cuy, (And yes ladies....that's a guinea pig).

Now I would just like to say turning a dive burger joint into a modern art light fixture having, campy lesbo cowgirl paint on the wall displaying, burger joint with the same menu and wait staff aint the way to go. Although for 5 bucks I'll take a burger with mushrooms and shove it in my face like I just got back from the bataan death march. Hmmmm maybe I should stop going to burger joints for first dates if I want to turn them into second dates..... although.....

Ok so here's the story... picture it.... I'm 17 and eating at CPK, a most delicious establishment directly south of Dupont Circle. I'm out, I'm single, and I also have the shame of a 17 year old which is obviously none. I get some meal that includes a dill pickle, probably pizza, anyways so the topic of gag reflexes comes up and our waiter who was not unnattractive and obviously a player for our team is very interested. I obviously start flirting with the waiter and then it happens.... he dares me to try and put the entire pickle in my mouth. I obviously ask what the hell do I get if I succeed? he said he'd give me a free meal.

I totally did it.... I totally got a free meal..... and his number.... duh.

ANYWAYS, so afterwards we traipse on over to JR's for a little drinky poo since it's on the way to both of our apt.s. I see some guy I used to date.... at this point I feel like my being embarassed at seeing people I used to date and now don't speak to is pointless because then I'd never go out at all. I also see an older gentleman who looks his age surrounded by three children who could have been no more than 19.... and who thought that jumping up and down was an appropriate way to express happiness...... if they had been within arms reach I would have reached to them, grabbed their underoos and made jumping a very unpleasant activity for them.

Also on that note....it's very sad when old gay men who look like poo surround themselves with 19 year olds with whom they have naught in common..... I half expect them to lean over and start sucking blood out of their pre-pubescent necks in a half assed attempt to regain their lost youth.

This is not saying I don't date older men....but the guys I date are A). Not ugly B) can carry conversations on topics that don't include the latest development on J-Lo and C) don't surround themselves with fetal material like I saw at JR's last night.

**We would also like to thank the several journalists (San Fran, Chicago, and DC) that have contacted us in the past couple of weeks to say nice things about this here blog..... our crowns sparkle that much more knowing y'all enjoy!!**

Welcome Home

Well it's official. Senor Chip wasn't eaten by a llama or recruited into a guerilla faction while abroad in S. America. Welcome Home!!!!!

Sea....Sand...Sun

Before I recount the loveliness of this weekend I would just like to say that I just learned that K-Fed is performing at the Teen Choice Awards.... Four horsemen? Apocalypse?? Anyone? Anyone??

On the Friday after a lovely workout (working out is the new therapy) I left our fair haven and traversed to GayDC light.... otherwise known as the Delaware shore to my uncle's beach house.

While laying out in the glorious glorious sun on saturday I saw a pod of dolphins playing out not too far from the shore, one of my cousins said lets go and swim near them..... I told him he was retarded and that he should park his pasty white butt where it was. I'll grant him I'm sure it evokes memories of flipper etc. however the last time I did that all of a sudden I got a panic attack and I flashed back to memories of the award winning show "when animals attack" and I'll bet dollars to doughnuts I'd be that guy that got speared by the cute cuddly dolphins and the headline would read..... "Gorgeous beachgoer, who had previously caused whiplash on the beach with so many head turns, and who was obviously touched with a bit of the downs made the mistake of swimming with wild animals." And people would laugh.... and I wouldn't blame them.

My cousin had brought a lady friend to the beach so in an effort get to know her better we went to the local bar, where we met some military-esque gentlemen who made the mistake of playfully challenging us to go shot for shot with them..... why straight men feel the need to be so foolish around me to impress me is something that is very beyond me.... especially when I go shot for shot with them till one of them pukes and they have to buy all the shots and I got to keep the shot glasses...... who now has 30 tiki shot glasses in their possession??? mmmmhmmm that's right b*tches.

Sunday I spent the day mentally judging people on the beach, some people read, I judge. Ugly swimsuits? check. Unfortunate haircuts with bangs and bad perms? check. Groups of straight guys that like to work out and then go to the beach and stand around looking at each other but not actually interacting with any members of the opposite sex or going in the water? check. Fat-ill behaved children? check.

And my weekend was complete.

Friday Five..... Tales from the Bar

Shocker among shockers..... I joined several ladies out last night for the all you can drink for 9$ on thursday event. Don't judge me, I'm a government contractor lemming with a mortgage... momma's gotta budget. However myself and other DC blogger Royalty noticed much to our chagrin several trends that seem to be sweeping through our fair kingdom...

1). Midgets: Now, I realize that I'm 6'3" I really do. I also realize that most people are shorter than I am. However there were at least 10 if not more gentlemen under the height of 5'5". I kinda wanted to go up to one and pat them on the head..... or rest my drink on it. They probably wouldn't have liked that. I kinda wanted to go up to one of them and say...."Is it secret? is it safe?"

2). This gentleman sauntered into the bar around 7 oclock in the evening..... leather pants.... not leather bar..... 7 pm...... let's review.....
*PS did I have any shame whipping out my handy dandy camera phone to record this moment for posterity??? I'm gonna go ahead and say absolutely not!!*

3). We observed one gentleman who I believe is in his early 40's being surrounded...and I mean in a circle with a group of children who still had pieces of placenta hanging off them. I obviously drew myself up to my full regal glory and gave him the stare of disapproval because there's something very unsettling about that scene...this is a time when the word icky is appropriate to describe the situation. I'm not opposed to age gaps in relationships.... but when you're an obviously older, mature gentleman, you should NOT be hanging out with groups comprised solely of children who can't remember the Thundercats.

4). Now I will once again say how I abhor...ABHOR being pigeonholed for being asian, I'm 6'3"and only half...HALF!!! A gentleman last night came up to myself and Lady Co-Co and began hitting on me like it was going out of style. Apparently he has a "thing" for asian guys. Now ok I understand having a "type" but to say that in convo with someone you just met is kinda awkward and uncomfortable. I will say this for the man however, he did get points for procuring drinks for both myself AND Lady Co-co upon introducing himself.... little tip... get in with the friends and your stock goes way up.

5). Hookup Cards (business cards that only have the name, phone number, and email address on them, sometimes containing address of residence). I received one last night and this gentleman did not hand it to me.....oh no that would have been toooooo easy. How did he do it you ask?? came right up behind me and slipped it riiiight into my back-pocket while he copped himself a feel.... what IS it with people and my butt recently? Anyways after I removed his hand and gave him my ice queen stare of death he leaned in and said.... "I just wanted to make sure you had my number." This is the same guy that said he liked Asian guys. I thought that the gracious acceptance of his libation would have ended my interaction with him.... I was sadly mistaken.... I really need to re-open my application process for gentleman callers.

PS. Lady Co-Co and I may have been really excited and told Hookup card guy that we were going to be watching Mary Poppins last night.... we might have been a little drunk.

PPS. Blockbuster was out of Mary Poppins.... who does that?

PPPS. We settled on love actually, ate greasy chinese food, and were asleep by 11.