SOOOOO MANY QUESTIONS

I.... by nature.... am quite inquisitive...and as I sat contemplating the purple sunset last night and having a nice glass of Johnny Walker black (how butch am I?) I was pondering several little smatterings, maybe you have the answers.... maybe they're just mysteries for the ages.

Is it acceptable to wear a ballcap and glasses on a date?? Is it weird that I might do it anyways?

Why is it that I became almost offended at JR's on Sunday by being called "exotic" not once, not twice but three times.... like I'm half peacock or something..... next time somebody's going to get a fresh one in the pie hole.

Why do some men build up their bodies thinking that it makes up for their busted faces?

After reading it in T-shirt form.... does "Plow Boy" mean you are the plow-er or the plow-ee?

Why did I think doing shots with Mr. Henry last night was a good choice? why do I EVER think they're a good choice?

Why do people visit the WWII memorial and take pictures only next to their home state like it's the coolest thing in life??

Is it wrong that I'm afraid that I'm going to get shanked each and every time I'm invited to go to Chaos by someone??? oh that's right, because there are some scary characters up in there.

Deep like a kiddie pool

This weekend was spent partially in recluse at the rents house with some QT family time with my grandfather and crazy great aunt, who, managed to insult 2 waitresses and the owner of the restaurant we were patronizing on Saturday.... thankfully the waitresses and the owner only speak broken english and couldn't speak Japanese so I don't know if "you know if you ate more vegetables you wouldn't be so heavy" translated. Plus my great aunt turned 90 this past week, so if all goes well in 2072 I will also be a wrinkled old person with so much jewelery on my arms and neck I can barely lift my head and arms who can call wait staff fat and get away with it.

I spent Saturday evening hanging out by myself watching some good ole fashioned cable and thinking about stuff and things, as I'm want to do at times and something that happened recently that's been bothering me kept popping up in my head. I was out at a local establishment recently and one of the barstaff gave me kind of a back handed compliment and told me that he remembered when I used to come in and be all smiles and that I had a very nice smile and it's a shame he hasn't seen me smile in a long time.

What happened to my smile??? I still haven't figured that one out but I'll be damned if I'm not gonna find it again. I guess I may have been letting a couple things bother the crap out of me to the point where I've become unecessarily stressed out and unhappy, however, key things to remember can consist of:

1). Not knowing what you want to do for the rest of your life at 24 is ok.

2). The fact that grad school might not happen on your schedule isn't the worst thing in the world and it doesn't make you stupid.

3). Everyone wants a better job that pays more, get in line lady you aren't unique.

After my reflective period I balanced out the rest of the weekend by going back to my condo, watching a special on Queen Elizabeth's Jewelery and going out and trying to recapture my smile because after all, you catch more bees with honey than you do with vinegar, no matter how well sculpted vinegar's cheekbones are :).

Friday Five.... Dale Says....

Don't you love the Confucius Says fortunes in fortune cookies??? Don't you wish there were sayings that were relevant to your life?? Don't you wish they had that little bit of sass that only the most fabulous can dole out??? well.....

1). Dale Says: The best laid plans of mice and men are soon to go awry if you introduce two high gravity olde english 40's into your body.

2). Dale Says: After getting home and deciding not to go out after waking up from your excursion in 40-town, it is always a good idea to pour yourself a drink and watch The Joy Luck Club and re-connect with the strong asian woman inside.

3). Dale Says: The crockpot is the best invention of the modern age, you can do no wrong with a crockpot, it is glorious.

4). Dale Says: It doesn't matter if John Karr is guilty of killing Jon Benet or not. He's creepy as hell and shouldn't be allowed in public.

5). Dale Says: It is perfectly acceptable to light a candle and have a moment of silence when you try to fit into your jeans from 5 years ago and find that they no longer will fit over your bum, and then get yourself a cocktail to dull the deep emotional scar. PS I'm still not sure if this is good that they don't fit anymore or bad...

Double Trouble

Darlings, something was brought to our regal attention this morning that necessitates sharing with y'all. One of my friends (Sebastian) forwarded me this article by ABC news on the predictions of an impending draft in this little "situation" that our "president" has us involved in. Now don't ask don't tell being what it is, you might think that we of the more sparkly persuasion would be safe from harm.... but I'm thinking that Bushy will be doing away with that one and looking for any warm body to fill a pair of combat boots.

Now, in discussing with Sebastian about this issue he posed that there would be all gay units a la tuskeegee airmen and 442nd fame.... and the thought immediately jumped into my head of "Operation Get Behind the Darkies" and this lady won't be having any of that mess.

If we were to have all gay units however, and I'm assuming they'd be co-ed I have come up with several strategies that hopefully would keep us all in one piece while we were forced to listen to our "fearless leader"

Operation Vaginal Fury: Our Sapphic sisters would be on the front lines of this one. Nothing says scared crapless like a muslim man who has spent his whole life subjugating women being faced with a female who has biceps bigger than his thigh carrying an ak-47 with a bayonet on the tip. These lovely ladies would be closely followed by our drag queen contingent.... who, while having an average height of about 6'7" with heels and wig, would be able to handle any stragglers that the lovely lesbians left behind.

Operation Marry a European: This one's pretty self explanatory..... let's see... mass weddings in spain in Tenerife or Gran Canaria??? Or perhaps La Cote D'Azur??Anyone?? I call dibs on preferrably a Gentleman of similar social rank so I can there-forthwith be known as Princess Consort [Dale] of hereford-lancaster-shire and Sweden and DC, Queen of the Realm and defender of the Gin.

Operation Happy Hour: Now I know that the muslim world bars the consumption of alcohol but how many of those soldiers you think has a little nippy poo stashed away somewhere??? I for damn sure would if I had to look like that 24/7 without an aesthetician on speed dial. Anyways this plan pretty much centers around challenging them to a drinking contest which they will obviously accept because what chauvinist doesn't fancy themselves a better drinker than a light in the loafers queen???? that's when we drink them under the table and when they're all passed out we tie them up.... and I know some of you S&M queens out there know your way around a rope and some chains.....

We could also.... I dunno.... withdraw from Iraq in entirety.... but then what would he have to blame the ills of the world on??? and Pat Robertson already blamed Katrina on the gays...

Conspiracy Theory

I'm pretty sure about a couple of things, the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot and the Grassy Knoll not-withstanding......

I'm pretty sure that last night on Project Runway Michael Kors couldn't find his mother so he had Karl Lagerfeld dress up in drag and pretend to be icy and german, which is obviously a stretch for a man that thinks nazi leather is the fabric of our lives much like cotton. Let's review the evidence

Here we have Michael and his "Mother" aka K-Lag












And here we have Karly-Karl....... and can't you hear him giving birth to Michael Kors....

Karl: [in deep german] I am over this whole "creating life" thing. It's so last season

Nurse: Mr. Lagerfeld, it's a beautiful Baby boy... you should name it Michael Kors!!!

Karl: (Looks at Baby) it's kind of fat, go get some coke from one of my models and put some stormtrooper boots on that thing, I want her ready for my fall show.

Nurse: But.... it's a boy, and he can't walk yet.

Karl: I'm over you (whips out fan and b*tch smacks nurse with it)



The other conspiracy theory I've got brewing is that I think that at my gym there are people who are paid by the governing company just to go and stand around to either make the gym seem more attractive/athletic, or to make the patrons feel bad enough about themselves so that they either whip themselves into shape or stop going but continue to pay their dues. I have yet to see any of them actually work out, instead of standing around looking at themselves in the mirror.....not that I haven't been sneaking a peek myself. However I've developed a great solution to foil their plans to influence me...... I leave my glasses in the lockerroom..... which probably would have been a better plan had I not walked into not one, but two machines yesterday..... I bet I looked real slick..... that'll show those bastards.

I feel like I missed the memo

I feel like everyone and their mother is breaking up/ being broken up with this week.

I feel like not getting on the steady summer-lovin gravy train was perhaps not the worst choice I've ever made.

I believe I'm a very seasonal dater. I always seem to have something going on in the oven fall/winter/spring but never the summer.... I think I've figured it out.

Spring: Free from the doldrums of winter we are reminded of the beginnings of life.... and where does all life begin? with sex, and where does all sex begin..... with a cocktail... I mean... with men. One is prone to the itch.

Summer: I've never understood the summer romance phenomenon outside of meeting guys whilst I was a lifeguard or at a camp setting. During the summer it's all about hanging out with my friends and doing crazy sh*t, which at least for me is less so when a sig-other is involved. Plus I feel like many "date" activities in the summer are outdoor centered and I don't go on dates where I sweat, at least not till after the meal.

Fall: I feel like fall is a wonderful restaurant month, a great time in which to "meet for coffee" or "dinner and a movie." It's not cold enough where being outside is a hassle but not warm enough that you feel all sweaty and gross.

Winter: I like having a GC around to keep me warm and bring me hot cocoa and watch movies. I'm delicate like a flower....don't judge me.

Now that fall is fast approaching I better get on my applicant screening process.....hmmmm now I just have to schedule interviews......

Cuhhhraaaazy@!!!!@!

Has anyone else been privy to the crazy war that's been ensuing via craigslist over the fact that gentlemen at the duplex diner are wearing clothes from Abercrombie and Fitch?? Yes, apparently for those of you that aren't cool like me and stalk craigslist missed connections, the synopsis is that a bunch of chilluns are b*tching that the men at duplex aren't dressing their age and the men at duplex most of whom are 37+ apparently are b*tching at the chilluns because they should be able to wear "stylish" clothes..... and then there are those that think we should all hold hands and sing kumbayah

Let me break it down for you.

A&F hasn't been stylish since 2000. Sorry... just hasn't. I know it takes a while for everyone to realize but the whole frat boy look? yeah it's done.... it's over....

Now onto the warring factions:

E-Tard Chilluns: I'm sorry but I think it's time y'all stopped sniffing your body glitter, yes duplex attracts older men, and apparently your grave-robbing selves have been interested enough to not only go, but been sober enough to remember what people were wearing because someone wasn't buying your pink belt wearing selves a drink. It's ok darlings, I'd be bitter too if nobody paid any attention to me, thankfully I don't know what that's like. Oh, ps.... little tip, wearing shirts from contempo casual and AE girls section that say things like "princess" and "diva"..... yeah not gonna lie.... just as bad.

37+ Men in Abercrombie: Wonderful, you spend your lives at the gym in order to compensate for the fact that when you actually were in your twenties people called you a F@g. I'm glad you can fill out a t-shirt.... really.... I enjoy. However, wearing clothes in a non-athletic setting that say things like A&F Athletic club 1945 or whatever isn't stylish, it isn't now, it just.... isn't. You would honestly have better luck capturing your youth by eating baby placenta. Also just a little tip from me to you..... a man with a nice body in a dress shirt or polo would melt my butter a million times more than some gym bunny in a shirt that says "Seabrook County Wrestling Squad" with a little A&F logo on the breast... just trying to help y'all out. Oh PS... another giveaway, when y'all tuck that sleeveless T into your jeans.... that's just a crime against the baby jesus.

Kumbayah Dirty Hippies: Gays? Judging Each Other? Get the heck out of here!!!! Lemme guess darlings, y'all have "great personalities" and enjoy to talk for hours about.....ummmm.... I dunno.... holding hands??? Gays by nature are a judgmental group of queens no matter what age, shape, or size, I suggest y'all better sharpen your claws and have better arguments than "we should all just get along" or you're going to get all y'all torn a new one.


It's a good thing I'm not still miserable and congested...........

I guess I'm just not that young anymore

This stupid sinus infection is bugging the poop out of me, I haven't been able to go to the gym in a week due to the medicine-head sensation I've been under.

I WAS banking on my plan of OD'ing on herbal tea and sleeping in several layers of clothes and under comforters to sweat my "visitor" out of my sinus cavities.... I will call her gloria.... Gloria is getting deported back to Cuba VERY soon.

I WAS planning on being better by today but the weekend rolled around and I tried to cram a month of fun into two days. Needless to say I still don't feel well and am going hermit style till this lady is back in full effect.

HOWEVER......

I was watching TV tonight and a commercial for one of the viagra knockoffs came on and so did the warning of "If you have an erection for more than four hours please go to your nearest emergency room."

My only thought??

There are a lot of scared 13 year old boys in the viewing audience right now.


Thank you.... I'll be here all week.... remember to tip your waiter.... try the veal.

Friday Five.... Good Idea/Bad Idea

1). Beverages
Good Idea: Lady Co-Co making the executive decision to have a refreshing beverage before going to happy hour which may or may not have included making art out of the thirty shot glasses I attained from last weeks beach adventures.

Bad Idea: Lady Co-Co after getting the first cocktail of the evening doing a face plant on the floor after tripping up the stairs at the local alcohol distribution establishment.

2). Company
Good Idea: Having fun with the Dupont Ladies Auxillary Church Group

Bad Idea: I'm pretty sure I kept calling one of their friends a dirty boat person.... it's ok I'm ethnic, I'm allowed.

3). Food
Good Idea: Procuring food at a nearby establishment

Bad Idea: Procuring food at the glass coffin and then going home and eating leftovers.....my stomach doesn't like me right now.

4) Ex-Factor Good Idea: Having an ex buy you a drink (bombay and tonic thanks) because he hasn't seen you in a while and you look spectacular, not to mention he really really wants you.

Bad Idea: Thinking that conversation with another separate ex, whose contract you did not renew upon review of key negotiating points, was a good idea... awkward robot dance...cuzz it's sooooo awkward.

5). Post Happy Hour activities
Good Idea: Going to Blockbuster with Lady Co-Co to procure Disney watching goodness

Bad Idea: Apparently seeing a cute guy outside, and not telling Lady Co-Co where I was going, talking to cute guy while lady Co-Co almost gets arrested for freaking out in the blockbuster because I'd disappeared

Tout le monde.... ecouter moi!!

Now Class... I realize that with summer's end in sight we are once again going to revive Dale's Finishing School for Gayward Boys..... Now as many of you have had summer accessorys (men) over the summer I believe we once again need to review tips on how to not date someone that isn't complimentary to you.

1). Height comparability: If he comes up to your nipple or you to his.... please for the love of the baby jesus save me the pain of having to make the david and goliath jokes to your face. If you are of the amazonian set much like am at my regal height of 6'3" I realize that this may be difficult in the liliputian city of DC, but honestly it's better than feeling like your holding hands with your niece/nephew walking down the runway.

2). The wearing of matching clothes: If your gentleman caller (GC) feels the need to go matchy matchy on your trips to the store, bar, brunch etc. I will label you as a tourist and banish you to the dirty dirty vag. Were all snowflakes people..... effing snowflakes.

3). Don't date someone with the same name as you: Don't be that guy.... just don't. *PS in college I totally dated a midget with the same name as me..... on a scale of one to bad choice, yeah. that was a bad choice.*

4). If your GC puts his hand in your back pocket when walking down the street he's done-zo: I'm sorry, holding hands... fine. one arm around anothers waist.... sure I can handle that.... the back pocket thing makes me think of bangs and fringe with acid washed tapered jeans... and do you really want to do that to people? The same is true for the fingers through the belt-loops... don't make me hurt you for that one.

5). If he lives in an outlying suburb of DC without a car: I'm sorry, even if you are automotively-capable much like I am, he should not expect you to commute from the gloriousness of the city to places like....Ballston or Clarendon.

5b). There are many reasons not to go to the Vag and Metro Weekly has done a bangup job of documenting said sadness: besides the one gentleman on the last page WHO I would bet dollars to doughnuts lives in DC or MD, there is not one person with whom I would be seen in public..... I mean I could just be being mean but was there an outreach program for the ugly and unfortunate that night???

So the take away lesson boys and more boys is: it is much better to be single and fabulous than attached to someone who will make other people want to commit acts of violence and aggression on you for disturbing the delicate gay balance of my demeanor.

blah blah blah

Unfortunately I've been battling a sinus infection all week no doubt contracted from sharing shot glasses with the military boys from last weekend at the beach, and I've been unable to grace the gym with my precense thereby depriving all of the eligible men's with my ability to bend in ways that would make circus performers cry. Hopefully I will beat this horrible condition like a trailer park housewife soon and not feel like a ball of goo sitting on my couch.

Oh wait.... except I went out last night... and by out I mean myself and senor chip headed over to H. Marys (I refuse to call it Dakota Cowgirl) for some half price burgers, celebrating his return home from the land of llamas and cuy, (And yes ladies....that's a guinea pig).

Now I would just like to say turning a dive burger joint into a modern art light fixture having, campy lesbo cowgirl paint on the wall displaying, burger joint with the same menu and wait staff aint the way to go. Although for 5 bucks I'll take a burger with mushrooms and shove it in my face like I just got back from the bataan death march. Hmmmm maybe I should stop going to burger joints for first dates if I want to turn them into second dates..... although.....

Ok so here's the story... picture it.... I'm 17 and eating at CPK, a most delicious establishment directly south of Dupont Circle. I'm out, I'm single, and I also have the shame of a 17 year old which is obviously none. I get some meal that includes a dill pickle, probably pizza, anyways so the topic of gag reflexes comes up and our waiter who was not unnattractive and obviously a player for our team is very interested. I obviously start flirting with the waiter and then it happens.... he dares me to try and put the entire pickle in my mouth. I obviously ask what the hell do I get if I succeed? he said he'd give me a free meal.

I totally did it.... I totally got a free meal..... and his number.... duh.

ANYWAYS, so afterwards we traipse on over to JR's for a little drinky poo since it's on the way to both of our apt.s. I see some guy I used to date.... at this point I feel like my being embarassed at seeing people I used to date and now don't speak to is pointless because then I'd never go out at all. I also see an older gentleman who looks his age surrounded by three children who could have been no more than 19.... and who thought that jumping up and down was an appropriate way to express happiness...... if they had been within arms reach I would have reached to them, grabbed their underoos and made jumping a very unpleasant activity for them.

Also on that note....it's very sad when old gay men who look like poo surround themselves with 19 year olds with whom they have naught in common..... I half expect them to lean over and start sucking blood out of their pre-pubescent necks in a half assed attempt to regain their lost youth.

This is not saying I don't date older men....but the guys I date are A). Not ugly B) can carry conversations on topics that don't include the latest development on J-Lo and C) don't surround themselves with fetal material like I saw at JR's last night.

**We would also like to thank the several journalists (San Fran, Chicago, and DC) that have contacted us in the past couple of weeks to say nice things about this here blog..... our crowns sparkle that much more knowing y'all enjoy!!**

Welcome Home

Well it's official. Senor Chip wasn't eaten by a llama or recruited into a guerilla faction while abroad in S. America. Welcome Home!!!!!

Sea....Sand...Sun

Before I recount the loveliness of this weekend I would just like to say that I just learned that K-Fed is performing at the Teen Choice Awards.... Four horsemen? Apocalypse?? Anyone? Anyone??

On the Friday after a lovely workout (working out is the new therapy) I left our fair haven and traversed to GayDC light.... otherwise known as the Delaware shore to my uncle's beach house.

While laying out in the glorious glorious sun on saturday I saw a pod of dolphins playing out not too far from the shore, one of my cousins said lets go and swim near them..... I told him he was retarded and that he should park his pasty white butt where it was. I'll grant him I'm sure it evokes memories of flipper etc. however the last time I did that all of a sudden I got a panic attack and I flashed back to memories of the award winning show "when animals attack" and I'll bet dollars to doughnuts I'd be that guy that got speared by the cute cuddly dolphins and the headline would read..... "Gorgeous beachgoer, who had previously caused whiplash on the beach with so many head turns, and who was obviously touched with a bit of the downs made the mistake of swimming with wild animals." And people would laugh.... and I wouldn't blame them.

My cousin had brought a lady friend to the beach so in an effort get to know her better we went to the local bar, where we met some military-esque gentlemen who made the mistake of playfully challenging us to go shot for shot with them..... why straight men feel the need to be so foolish around me to impress me is something that is very beyond me.... especially when I go shot for shot with them till one of them pukes and they have to buy all the shots and I got to keep the shot glasses...... who now has 30 tiki shot glasses in their possession??? mmmmhmmm that's right b*tches.

Sunday I spent the day mentally judging people on the beach, some people read, I judge. Ugly swimsuits? check. Unfortunate haircuts with bangs and bad perms? check. Groups of straight guys that like to work out and then go to the beach and stand around looking at each other but not actually interacting with any members of the opposite sex or going in the water? check. Fat-ill behaved children? check.

And my weekend was complete.

Friday Five..... Tales from the Bar

Shocker among shockers..... I joined several ladies out last night for the all you can drink for 9$ on thursday event. Don't judge me, I'm a government contractor lemming with a mortgage... momma's gotta budget. However myself and other DC blogger Royalty noticed much to our chagrin several trends that seem to be sweeping through our fair kingdom...

1). Midgets: Now, I realize that I'm 6'3" I really do. I also realize that most people are shorter than I am. However there were at least 10 if not more gentlemen under the height of 5'5". I kinda wanted to go up to one and pat them on the head..... or rest my drink on it. They probably wouldn't have liked that. I kinda wanted to go up to one of them and say...."Is it secret? is it safe?"

2). This gentleman sauntered into the bar around 7 oclock in the evening..... leather pants.... not leather bar..... 7 pm...... let's review.....
*PS did I have any shame whipping out my handy dandy camera phone to record this moment for posterity??? I'm gonna go ahead and say absolutely not!!*

3). We observed one gentleman who I believe is in his early 40's being surrounded...and I mean in a circle with a group of children who still had pieces of placenta hanging off them. I obviously drew myself up to my full regal glory and gave him the stare of disapproval because there's something very unsettling about that scene...this is a time when the word icky is appropriate to describe the situation. I'm not opposed to age gaps in relationships.... but when you're an obviously older, mature gentleman, you should NOT be hanging out with groups comprised solely of children who can't remember the Thundercats.

4). Now I will once again say how I abhor...ABHOR being pigeonholed for being asian, I'm 6'3"and only half...HALF!!! A gentleman last night came up to myself and Lady Co-Co and began hitting on me like it was going out of style. Apparently he has a "thing" for asian guys. Now ok I understand having a "type" but to say that in convo with someone you just met is kinda awkward and uncomfortable. I will say this for the man however, he did get points for procuring drinks for both myself AND Lady Co-co upon introducing himself.... little tip... get in with the friends and your stock goes way up.

5). Hookup Cards (business cards that only have the name, phone number, and email address on them, sometimes containing address of residence). I received one last night and this gentleman did not hand it to me.....oh no that would have been toooooo easy. How did he do it you ask?? came right up behind me and slipped it riiiight into my back-pocket while he copped himself a feel.... what IS it with people and my butt recently? Anyways after I removed his hand and gave him my ice queen stare of death he leaned in and said.... "I just wanted to make sure you had my number." This is the same guy that said he liked Asian guys. I thought that the gracious acceptance of his libation would have ended my interaction with him.... I was sadly mistaken.... I really need to re-open my application process for gentleman callers.

PS. Lady Co-Co and I may have been really excited and told Hookup card guy that we were going to be watching Mary Poppins last night.... we might have been a little drunk.

PPS. Blockbuster was out of Mary Poppins.... who does that?

PPPS. We settled on love actually, ate greasy chinese food, and were asleep by 11.

Intervention.... DC Style

I heart heart HEART the show Intervention...... whomever came up with the idea to make crack addicts more entertaining than watching them pee on themselves in Dupont needs to be commended. PS watching it while having a nice martini makes me a little uncomfortable but a little satisfied at the same time.

However, I believe the scope of this show is a little narrow for my tastes.... therefore I would like to make it more applicable to the Gay-DC lifestyle.... the topics I would like to address are:

The gentleman that only drinks libations that are fuschia, orange, pink, or aqua colored in martini glasses: Lady.... you are not on sex and the city and your name is not Samantha Jones. The drinks that you are pouring down your throat, while may coordinate with your outfit du jour, make you look like a tool. You are also not a woman who enjoys sipping arbor mist by the ocean. This intervention would consist of REAL martinis and shots of jameson and/or beer.... and if michelob ultra light is brought out god help whomever supplied that heinous substance. *I would just like to note that I'm about as close to butch as Sally Struthers is to a Jenny Craig... so for me to dictate such things obviously denotes a dire need*

The gentleman whose idea of a pickup line is dropping the name of whatever senator/office he works for as if that makes up for the fact that he's squat and busted: Sir.... I'm pretty, I'm not dumb, my IQ doesn't match my waist size thanks. I understand you work for a Senator and have an inflated job title and ego. Thank you for serving my country. If you want to talk to someone please start it off with something other than talking about inane appropriations bills and how integral you were in the implementation of memoranda A-Q. I don't care. Also.... using big words and endless acronyms in a city like DC to impress people is a waste of time so please refrain. This intervention would probably just involve a jewel-encrusted slap to the face and a forceful "STOP IT....BAAAAAAD GAY."

The Gentleman who apparently spends all his free time exposing every possible part of his skin to the sun and then goes tanning at night: Hi friend..... last time I checked you weren't Hawaiian, Tahitian, or even Brazilian..... the fact that your skin now matches your kenneth cole knockoff loafers is not, I repeat NOT a positive thing. Not only does the deep contrast to your pastel polo which is inevitably popped make you look a wee bit touched with the downs, but it makes those of us who are naturally olive skinned irate at the fact that you have tried to emulate our look and horribly horribly gone astray. Be proud of your pastiness.... I hear it's the new hotness in Canada. This intervention would be in a treatment facility without windows and tanning products along with group sessions to discover the inner caucasian within.

I feel my additions could really spice up the A&E channel.....

Pretty Bird

I have horrible decision making skills.... I'm just saying

Credit Cards: After the Mumsy/Daddykins credit card in my name, I applied and received my very first credit card on the basis that it had Van Gogh's starry night on it (and don't act like you queens don't know EXACTLY which card I'm talking about). I have since gotten two more credit cards, one because it supports the HRC and the other because the american express clear one with the hologram is uber cute. Do I know my interest rates or any of those NPR words or anything on any of them?? surely not. Have I used a credit card in over a year? surely not. I just like them because they're pretty.

Cars: For personal reasons, I, Dale, will always drive a Buick automobile. While studying abroad in london I bought a car to have when I got back to the states. Did I ask questions about gas mileage?? nope. Did I ask questions about ummmm mechanical stuff??? nope still.... I just wanted a car that was my school colors..... cuz I rule.

I'm not saying I'm an idiot... I'm just saying that I might be searching on craigslist soon for a personal advisor on such issues.

Hail Mary, Full of Grace

I knew it was genetic.

My mother drunk dialed me. Post martinis and dinner (which includes the wine) to tell me that my first nanny who cared for me until I was 2 called my mother to tell her about what she was doing... apparently my mom didn't really care... until the woman said that every night her family got together to say the rosary and that they counted me in their prayers every night...and the following conversation ensued:

Dale: Mom...how much have you had to drink?
Mumsy: Your father just bough a case of the finest.... DON"T CHANGE THE SUBJECT.
Dale: Well, you do realize I don't remember these people right?
Mumsy: Well they mean well, they were wonderful when you were little.. don't judge them.
Dale: I bet if you told them I was gay they wouldn't include me in their rosary
Mumsy: Oh hush, they're catholic not retarded.
Dale: What does that have to do with it?
Mumsy: [Dales father] did you only open the one bottle????

Moral of the story.... if you have gay children... start a newsletter or the help will never know what's going on.

Well alllllrighty then.....

We won't even go into friday night..... suffice it to say I was in bed by 10 and asleep by 10:15.

Saturday I thought it would be a good idea to work off what made me in bed by 10 on a friday at the gym by running a couple miles.... yeah apparently that was not a good idea. Thankfully an iced latte quickly alleviated the situation as I walked back to my condo in the sublime weather. Not one to waste a fantastic day I decided to lay out on my roofdeck in the same shorts I wore to the gym with a good book and my grotto's novelty thermal mug full of delectable libation.

I might have laid out too long without the assistance of sunscreen. That may have been a bad choice. I may be regretting that now. Although since I'll be at the beach this coming weekend a base tan/burn is pretty much required, and I'm very much healed.... although saturday night and sunday the term "rock lobster" may have been thrown about.

Saturday night and I traversed to yet another straight bar in the city with a bunch of friends and enjoyed the spoils of an open bar which is glorious and economically efficient!! However at said bar a trend that started on thursday has been continued in what can only be termed as a trend of craziness.

Picture it, I'm talking to a lady, as I do, in the hallway between two of the bars in the establishment. A group containing a busted gay gentleman and his 5' tall hag walk by. The hag, winds up in apparently was only described as a three stooges maneuver and slaps me square on the butt. I whip around with the speed of a hummingbird on coke with my eyes ablaze with the fury of a thousand suns and she immediately looks like I've got a gun pointed directly at her pock-marked face and I said.... "I'm sorry, what the hell was that and who the f*ck are you?" To which she started stammering and said "oh I'm sooo sorry, I just really wanted to touch your butt." I went on to describe in no uncertain terms why that was A) inappropriate and B) not going to get her anywhere. However, I do know that if you need your hag to inappropriately hit on guys that you have no chance with then I'm betting you're single and staying that way.

The next person that does something like that gets a fresh one to the face.... I'm tired of this bs.

Friday Five..... bye bye week HELLO weekend!!!

1). It always makes me laugh when non-district drivers try to play the "lets switch lanes lots of times because that will make me able to get to my destination so much faster than everyone else" game. It makes me laugh because then you look over at the other DC drivers who are just cruising along with the same thought in their heads. "B*tch, you aint gonna get where you going any faster than the rest of us, just slow up and stop acting a fool, yes the metro bus will cut you off... deal with it."

2). I ended my 6 week hiatus of going out to gay bars last night with a sojourn to JR's. What happened?? A man who was legitimately a midget meaning less than 5 feet tall, walked past me and grabbed my bum to which my friends lauged heartily and asked me why I didn't give him the stare of death or yell at him the way I do to people who aren't "little people." I replied with.... "well if my butt was eye level with me I'd probably want to touch it too, besides, hasn't the baby jesus punished that man enough?"

3). I saw a bumper sticker that read "I don't mind straight people as long as they act gay." I wanted to get out of my car, go up to that woman, make her roll down her window and smack her with my jewel-encrusted hand. There's being proud, and then there's being tacky. I'm a big fan of the "hate is not a family value" genre of pride bumper stickers, and you can be as rainbow-tacular as you see fit, but don't have dumb sayings on your car that are an effort to support my civil liberties.... I will cut you.

4). Tourist season is almost over for a while!!!! I pray each night to the baby jesus that they all get their fanny packs stolen and return to Kansas or wherever they hail from with stories of the 'big city' and how horrible it is and how noone should EVER visit. PS, I don't mind international tourists, it really is true that americans are the loudest most obnoxious people on god's green earth.

5). I like using the terms Dollars to doughnuts, PS, and now incorporating Sugar tits into my vernacular....

"PS, I'm gonna bet dollars to doughnuts that sugartits over there goes home with that busted guy in the corner" use it as you see fit.

Elbow Elbow Wrist Wrist Touch The Pearls And Blow A Kiss

Ok.... so last night I inadvertently flipped on CMT. Don't judge me. However, instead of Keith Urban or Tim Mcgraw in jeans tighter than lycra on a fat woman they have apparently taken coverage of the Ms. America pageant. I find these pageants much like a circus side show, kinda disgusting but really fun to watch.

PS Ms. District of Columbia totally tap-danced as her talent....yes....it was a white girl with blonde hair tapdancing...... First of all you aren't Shirley Temple, secondly....yikes. If I was a contestant representing our fair district I would have made my talent something practical and relevant to DC, like finding parking in Dupont, or dodging gunfire.

That being said I got to thinking....what if there was a gay beauty pageant. I'm not talking about the shenanigans that goes on during Pride when we 'elect' a Mr. DC pride. I'm talking full on ANTM type sh*t

Eveningwear: Now I would elect to do a bit of a spin on this one. I'd give the lads an AMEX with a 500 limit and send them out to do some shopping (with an hour time frame), to go out for a night on the town. When they returned myself (duh) and a panel of judges would rate on style and content. Minus points for shorts, Minus points for anything with huge a$$ logo's on it, Minus points for sleevless T-s, minus points for man-pris..... and so on and so forth in that manner.

Swimwear: Same as the first round except for only 100 bucks. Squarecuts are immediately disqualified as well as any material that could be considered "sparkly." Points will be given on how well you chose your swimsuit for your body type. If you have a boxy body and get a speedo...you are done'zo. If you're tall and slim and get huge board shorts.... pack your bags sistah. Also color of said swimwear matching with skin tone and hair is v. important as well.

Talent: Don't sing showtunes. I don't want to see your interpretation of Swan Lake. I want new, I want fresh. Like for instance, I would accept as a talent the ability to do 3, 3 wise men shots and then be able to name all the fifty states in alphabetic order. Or be able to get from georgetown to 17th st. and find parking in under 20 minutes. You know....something that requires talent.

Interview: Finally.... the interview. The contestants would have to stand before me (in my tiara which btw is obvy better than the one they get) and answer questions such as.......

You are hosting a party whose theme is Dog Days of Summer, what cocktails do you serve and why?

or

You find out your friends current squeeze at one time moonlighted as an adult film star named backdoor billy...... how do you break the news?


So let the games begin ladies.... ps this is what I call the gay games......

What does your gym say about you???

Ballys: You have recently or do live in the dirty dirty vag. You may or may not work for defense. You like to work alongside or are, people who are busted and ashamed to go to a gym where people don't look like science experiments. You are also wicked cheap and refuse to pay the 12 bucks it would be additionally to join elsewhere. You are also a chump because you signed your life away for multiply years to a busted gym.

*Note* : I at one time belonged to Ballys, in fact according to contractual obligations that shall never be mentioned in my precense, I still do. Sometimes I think about it and die a little bit on the inside.

Results: Also known as Resluts. This location, at least the 16th st. locale is a disco ball away from being a not too shabby gay dance club. This gym is the only gym I've ever been to that has hosted it's own fashion show *rolls eyes.* This gym says about you that either you live on the Hill and are therefore relegated to have nary many choices or enjoy beeing seen while you work out close to the runway. You probably carry hair product and tweezers in your gym bag and always look around before you do that extra 'rep.'

WSC: Obviously the classiest choice for the young professional. This gym says, that's right, I live in DC, I'm no nonsense, and I wanna go in and get out and please don't talk to me because I have my iPod earphones on and I'm thinking about things that are much more important than whatever you have to say to me. K Thanks Bye.

Golds: You have big muscles and use words like 'reps' and 'free weights' and 'spotting.' If you go to Golds you may or may not have a neck and biceps that are larger than my thigh. You people scare me.

Boutique Gyms: There seem to be a couple sprouting up around Dupont and Admo.... these say you are a chump because you joined a gym that has one location and probably sub par equipment.

Ow......

The next time I haven't been to a gym in two months and then decided to run 5 miles followed immediately by an ab workout and followed that up by lifting of heavy things.... please take me aside and say.... honey.... no. Needless to say my body is not a happy camper.

Let me just say that the WSC that I went to yesterday was all I wanted. Nice and clean atmosphere, staff that sucked up to me without being too patronizing.... and really really hot guys.

Let me further say that I wanted to walk right up to the late 50's white woman wearing black lycra biker shorts and a bright as day purple thong over them and give her a big ole hug. Either someone convinced her that wearing that combination was ok or she hasn't updated her workout clothes since Physical fame. I'm not exactly a fashion maven at the gym, my workout clothes consisting of umbros and shirts that I've had since HS which may or may not be currently held together by unseen cotton molecules, but even I know better than purple thongs and bike shorts.

Also, as I've come to realize..... it's very very hard to walk with any sort of dignity after you run for an extended period of time and have the jelly-legs, I'm pretty sure the cute guys were thinking to themselves..."oh isn't that a shame, the gangly asian is a cripple." Yeah that'll do wonders for my social life.

PPS, I feel like the WSC might be the catalyst I've been waiting for a Missed Connection of my own, or a D-list sighting of yours truly perhaps!