Friday Five, Seasonal Resolutions

The colors are changing, the days are getting shorter, the cable-knit merino sweaters and scarf combinations will once again start making their appearance.... it is now fall. With fall, as we are all aware comes a time to make some resolutions. I [Dale] here-to-for resolve that.....

1). I will not be putting up with it tooodaaaaayyyyyy, low drama and high productivity will be the motto for the season!!

2). Less Shake n Bake..... yes the time has come for me to cut down my intake of this wonderful wonderful substance, hmmmm maybe I'll just kind of transfer over to hamburger helper.

3). The start of my war against the term "skinny-fat," which apparently refers to people who have skinny builds but guts..... I don't call that skinny-fat, I call that in need of pilates.

4). Get new jeans, the time has come my many friends, to talk of many things, like butts and cuts and no doughnuts to squeeze into some jeans!!

5). Go to the movies more..... it's been a really long time since I saw a movie and I feel like I'm about due.

Gaysha Don't Run

Magical Night....Full of Mystery..... Full of Promise...

So.... High Heel Race Recap.

I learned many things last night from my debut as Lady Violet Blossom, DC's Premier Gay-sha, let me share some of my "good choice/bad choice" moments


Running is a bad choice for me, especially in a micro mini, especially in 3 inch spiked heels 2 sizes too small for me, especially when the gentlemen that are actually planning to run look like this.

A good choice was attending a fabulous pre-party gathering with a group of people 90% of whom I had no idea who they were and half of them looked like polo models. Quote of the evening went to a very attractive gentleman whom I believe one of my friends is "entertaining" at the moment....... "When [Lady Violet Blossom] came upstairs I knew what all the other straight guys in the room were thinking, 'why did I just get an erection?' "

A Bad choice was not being prepared for the press, when a reporter for a newspaper came up to me and asked me my name it totally didn't occur to me to say "Lady Violet Blossom" so I gave him the real first name.... and he looked at me like I had a touch of the downs.

A good choice was not falling. Thank you baby jesus for allowing me to stay upright while at the High Heel race last night.

A Bad choice was one gentleman who, while meaning well, after he had his picture taken with me offered me a Pearl Necklace..... upon seeing the look of shock and mild disgust on my face he quickly followed that up with "No No No like an actual necklace, like beads... here!!!" [Insert awkward turtle here]

A good choice was all of the bar-staff having the graciousness to allow me to jump in front of any line I came across last night post race. It was Fuh-Reee-Zing and I heard more than once from people that I was being photographed with "Honey You're Shaking!" No effing kidding I was shaking... I was wearing 1 layer of cotton (the fabric of our lives) and a speedo to keep warm and I've got the body fat of Kate Moss on a diet.

A Bad choice was someone who shall remain nameless throwing me some shade last night because he thought that he was in a position of some importance..... No m'aam, I know what freaky deaky stuff you're down with.... don't mess with me, my wig was big last night.... and full of effing secrets.... I am Gaysha.

A Great Choice was the time I had last night, I took pictures with more people last night than I had in the past year, including several what I figured were immigrant families who must've thought I was some sort of alien. I had a great time before, during, and after the race and saw a bunch of my friends AND I didn't do a walk of shame this morning which would have to have been done in my kimono.... after all..... I am Gaysha.

Friday Five!

1). I may or may not have watched the week of witches on the Disney channel pretty much every night this week. I may or may not be a sucker for said type of really bad B movies. I may or may not have watched the Mary-Kate Ashley Halloween Movie when I was younger and ate it up. This Movie may be my favorite halloween movie from when I was little, I remember it scaring me crapless. PS what ever happened to the show Erie Indiana????

2). I just found out that a teacher from my HS has been friendster-stalking me, EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! Now this teacher was one of two gay teachers in my HS but this one had a "yen" for the asians if you get my drift. He volunteered to be the faculty advisor for the Asian Club which I started, but quickly grew to dislike me because I was visibly uncomfortable that he made up pet names for me and my friends like "tiger." He actually told my sister once after I'd graduated that I was A). A cold person and B). He'd found pictures of me on the internet from an ad I did in London and what did she think about me doing something like that (It was for a party at a club in london whom I happened to be dating one of the investors at the time, you couldn't see any of my no no areas and so what??? also as far as I know the pictures are no longer available) P.S. she said she thought it was awesome and dropped his class.

PPS- After the teacher realized that I wasn't going to be buddy buddy with him he tried to get the other officers of the asian club whom I had appointed to get together and impeach me. Now since I found out about this I was not about to let that happen when I'd founded said club. Therefore I did what any despot would do, I, along with the student council president, wrote a constitution for the club wherein I could not be impeached, and only give up my post as president, not be defeated in future elections..... needless to say I was president for all of high school.... that'll teach em to mess with the Queen.

3). One time in Highschool, in my french class... with only one other student, we had to make a video presentation. We did a lesbian love triangle with someone we recruited who wasn't in our class and didn't have any lines. We thought it was brilliant, it's not like it was some hardcore film, they ever even kissed. Our in the closet teacher thought it was horribly offensive and gave us all C's. Years later I saw him at poodle beach in rehomo with his boyfriend.....mmmhmmm I walked past all scantily clad..... I said hi..... I judged.... I kept walking...

4). As I found out while playing jeopardy last night and trying to figure out how to dull the blinding pain I experience while wearing the high heels I purchased for next weeks high heel race, I realized I am a wealth of useless information. For whatever reason I can correctly identify a portrait of Louis XIV, and name the genus of the nightshade family. I wish I could go on that show and effing clean the eff up. Although I'm pretty sure potent potables would be my downfall.

5). While wasting time before the lovely lineup ABC had on last night of Ugly Betty and Grey's Anatomy (PS Gray's is UH-MAY-ZING!!!!) (PPS- I'm just saying that if I ever see either McSteamy, McDreamy, Finn, Dr. O'Malley or Dr. Karev ever in real life..... I will strip naked and jump on them right there..... I have absolutely no shame on that issue) I watched Mommy Dearest... best line ever.... "Don't F*ck with me Fellas!!!!!"

5b). Dr. O'Malley is gay!!!! he's just waiting to tell the press about his plans to propose to me... Remeber Dr. O'Malley, my fingers are thin but I can carry a large stone.

Dear Sir..........

Dear Michael Kors,

You should be ashamed of yourself for picking Jeffrey over Uli. Not only do you look like a gay Oompa Loompa and you are forever talking with one hand under your chin, your mother looks like Karl Lagerfeld and you can't seem to wear anything but a black blazer. I want to say that the only saving graces of the show are Ms. Heidi (Auf Wiedersehen) Klum and Tim ("Where's Andrae??") Gunn. And don't even get me started on Nina Garcia, lady looks like someone stuffed a rotten grapefruit up her no no spot from how happy she always looks.

Dear two unnamed friends,

You two should be taken into an alley and shot from the pain I am now feeling which is a result of the class at the gym you "made" me take. However since I'm a glutton for punishment I will be going back god-dammit and hopefully this time I won't fall off the ball and make a scene when my bony butt hit's the floor. Although I will say I was doing better than the old lady wearing a thong. Also, I've finally figured out where all the attractive gay men in DC are hiding, and it's my gym for that class, I plan on leaving a stack of cards with my phone number and restaurant favorites for what I can only imagine will be a long line of suitors who will want to warm me up on what will hopefully in the near future be cold nights.


Dear High Heels,

We are not friends. I have hyper-extended most of my joints at various points in my life, walked en pointe without toe shoes, breaking most of my toes in the process in order to have a nicer toe point, broken both wrists (any limp wristed jokes and I'll cut you), had my flace slammed by a car door and knocked me out, fallen from the equivalent of a 3 story building into a pool of water flat on my back, and slid 15 feet on asphalt on my stomach after having a rollerblading accident. However, nothing is as painful as wearing effing high heels, or maybe I should just get a larger size. The High Heel race is next Tuesday and I'll be damned if I'm not going to put out a good showing..... ps just a little aside..... I don't run.... it's undignified.

yes that's right..... I's a lady

Well, my little sister aka la principessa was home this weekend for fall break so I, being the good older brother aka first born went to the parentals estate friday night way out in the country. Wherein apparently the crazy fairy had visited, for as I walked in the front door and was greeted by my puppy chloe I saw what appeared to be two huge vats of urine on the countertop. After awkwardly staring at these two glass containers, each of which held at least 10 gallons of dark yellow liquid, I called for mumsy-kins to come down and explain her science experiment to me...... what was it you ask??? oh that's right, mumsy and daddykins have added making moonshine to their repertoire of things that they like to do in their free time. Their plan?? to have their lemon-flavored vodka based beverage ready to be bottled by christmas time so that they can give bottles out as christmas gifts to help everyone celebrate the birth of the baby jesus......needless to say I'm going to wait till everyone else has some to make sure it doesn't strike them blind.

After that stunning revelation it was off to sushi for a nice family dinner. Did I mention that my family is incapable of having a nice family dinner? My mom thought this would be a perfect opportunity to discuss..... you may have guessed it..... porn. Apparently she has just found out that people watch porn, especially men, and this was an interesting topic on which she wanted my personal opinion. Do I watch porn? "Sure I've watched porn before" Did my friends watch porn? "Probably, I mean they've got to do something in between eating and sleeping" And when I watched porn did I ever watch heterosexual or lesbian porn because she heard it was quite graphic. I told her I had seen both heterosexual and lesbian porn and that heterosexual porn wasn't that interesting and the best thing about lesbian porn is that the women are always done up so nicely. (I kept the fact to myself that at random gay bars the porn that they played on the televisions is enough to make my eyelashes curl with shock). Then she started asking my dad how much porn he watched and that was when I wanted to take the chopsticks and shove them in my ears till I felt something squishy. We ordered mumsy some wine and she shut it up.

Saturday evening was a night of crazy drunkeness.... which incidentally had nothing to do with me! People mayhaps got drunk and were grabbing other people innappropriately, making out with legitimate senior citizens at blowoff, and maybe doing dance moves from an unamed parker posey movie. I don't judge (who am I kidding?). But whatever I had my lady moment of the evening when I decided that nourishment was what I needed to cap off a very full evening so I decided to get myself a double quarter pounder with cheese and super sized it....and ate it all, it was glorious.

Friday (Five) the thirteenth......oooooooooooooh(scary noise)

1). To this day I still feel uncomfortable standing in front of or near a microwave when it's heating whatever delicious item I am in requirement of. I'm still marginally convinced that to do so will render me either ridden with tumors, mutated so that I can sneeze out of my belly button, or make me grow a horn.

(Actual story, when my grandfather turned 92 he actually started to grow a horn out of his ear, it was actually tissue most closely associated with fingernails but since his DNA had broken down so much his body was going all banana sandwich..... I remember my mom clipping his horn with a pair of nail clippers...... I had to use an emory board on it once.... I kinda wanted to paint it hot pink.... he probably wouldn't have liked that)

2). I'm 80% sure that dogs and cat's and most domestic animals can understand things that people say and then talk about them amongst themselves later. If my dog Chloe aka (HRH la contessa Chloe of DC and MD) lived with me now I wonder what she would tell her friends about my gentlemen callers....

Chloe: Did you see who [Dale] went to dinner with last night? I swear he can do SO much better

Chloe's Dog Friend: Whatever, have you BEEN to the dog park lately?? it aint exactly a buyers market.

Chloe: True but did you see this one's hair??

Chloe's Dog Friend: Don't even get me started, natural hair color my butt.

3). At Christmas when I was little my parents told me that after I went to sleep, all the ornaments on the tree would come alive and play around cuz it was christmas, and then they'd mix up all the ornaments before I woke up and leave one at the foot of my bed to drive the point home. That may have scarred me and I may or may not have had nightmares about the little drummer boy shoving his drum sticks into my eyeball as I dreamt of sugarplums and such.

4). I'm still convinced that if I don't eat rice at least a couple times a week all of a sudden my eyes will go round and my hair will go blonde..... don't laugh at me.... asian people know things, and I aint questioning grandma.

5). When I was very little and learning how to swim some mean-ass big kid told me that the drain at the bottom of the well was there to keep the sharks in their cage. I believed him and went bonkers anyone tried to get me to go in the deep end till I was 7 or 8. I think he has two children out of wedlock and works at Target now...... karma sweet ass karma.

Haiku, because I can

Madge, you not Jolie
Stop Adopting Africans
Adopt me, I'm poor

Blowoff this weekend
Standing in lines for suckers
Make friends with bouncer

Fall season is here
so excited for sweaters
J.Crew is my crack

Halloween is close
No costume ideas yet
I am bad gay man

Lance Bass is a tool
JR's good to kick him out
He should lay off cake

Happy National Coming Out Day

I will not bore everyone with stories of teenage angst, back seats, and the captain of the football team as was my coming out experience. Rather I will leave you with the top ten reasons I'm glad I'm one of the baby jesus's "Chosen People"

10. The ability to watch shows such as Golden Girls, Designing Women, and Roseanne with nary a bit of shame in the world.

9. The wonders of saying inappropriate things in mixed (read: straight people) company and watching them mull over in their heads "was that uncalled for or am I ignorant for not being more sensitive to his gay needs" ...... while I'm talking about how weird it was that my housekeeper found my d*ldo and how we all had a big laugh..... (that was JUST an example, didn't necessarily happen)

8). Rupert Everett

7). The ability to make everyday culinary items into a masterpiece using my vo-gay-bulary. For example, I didn't make shake and bake last night, I made butterflied pork cutlets basted in a bedcrumb and seasoning mixture served baked with assorted blanched greens (frozen green beans), before which I had a wonderful pickled vegetable delicacy (olives out of the jar)

6). Drag Queens, it is my firm belief that every gay person should do drag at least once..... There is nothing in this world that makes you more able to laugh at yourself and be more comfortable in one's skin than doing some drag, even if you do look like a carnie while doing it.

5). Anderson Cooper: Good looking, he's a Vanderbilt for crying out loud!!! Although from what I hear, that lady's a bit too freaky even for me!

4). The ability to be able to have a cocktail at 9 am on a sunday without fear of judgement, and the only question asked is..... what type of vodka would you like?

3). The fantastic ability to be able to relate to people from my lady friends to their jock/meathead boyfriends, I will say that being gay does make you abundantly versatile in the ability to talk to all types of people!!

2). The fear one instills when at a party from the single straight men who are more than aware that two sentences from you and they will not be getting laid by any of the attractive women in the room, most of whom were your friends before the party and all of whom are your friends during.

1). And the best thing I like being gay is......................sex with men..................(Probably expecting something more profound huh?)

Just when you thought everything was peachy

Ok..... So I have as of recently been wearing my contacts to the gym for better or for worse. I'll admit it, I enjoy the eye candy whilst running, working out, stretching, take your pick. Although I will say I do make the most concerted effort not to have roaming eyes in the locker room.

Anyways so I was having a good workout, as one does, a nice run, good stretch, I was hitting my machines and weights the way that I wanted to.

*Aside* I have never been nor will I ever be someone who others mistake for living at a gym, I'm not saying I'm some tub of goo that sits around all the time nor do I look like it, I just don't have veins bulging or arms that could choke a bear, I made my peace with that a LONG time ago and have absolutely no shame about it.

In any event, I'm doing my thing, working out some muscles as one does, and I catch this guy across the room looking at me, so I do the usual...... look directly into his eyes, half smile, and look away and pretend to be REALLY concentrated on either the exercise that I'm doing or whatever happens to be playing on my iPod at that particular moment (it happened to be "I know what boys like", go figure).

Then I look back.... he's still smiling at me. Now this guy is a gentleman whom I would gladly give my contact information to, think 6'5" very attractive, late 20's.

He then saunters over to my machine, so I ever so casually take out my earphone (I'm breezy!) and say "Hey", and he says "Hey my name's [McSweaty]"

And then the bomb drops when he says........

"ummmm by the way do you know you're doing that wrong?"

Not to totally lose my poise and decorum I said, "Oh really? can you show me how to do it correctly? I was a swimmer, some of these machines are wicked foreign to me."

He then showed me how to find an "appropriate weight" and "appropriate use" of the machine in question.

After the tutorial I thanked him and being totally embarassed with thoughts of "hmmm did everyone know I was doing that the wrong way" running through my head I casually walked to the shower, rinsed off the shame, walked home, and may or may not have eaten my weight in peanut butter toast. PS, I'm convinced peanut butter toast solves all things.

Tips.... from me to you.....

This Weekend has all been about the tips..... and I'd like to share some... just from me... to you.

If you go to Vidalia for friday night dinner, don't order the rabbit pot pie, it is legitimately in a pie dish. I ate about half of it and then gave my dad who was across the table from me the "eyes are bigger than my stomach but I still want to eat some of your desert" face. Also, apparently my parents don't understand the terms "no" and "alcohol" in the same sentence. After declining the pre dinner martini and telling my parents I was going to cool it down for a hot minute, my mom said "that's ok, you'll just have wine with dinner"...... these people both have doctorate degrees, you'd think this would be easier to understand.

If you do an AIDS walk on a saturday morning when it's gross outside here are a couple tips.... 1). Dunkin Donuts is always a good choice 2). If, like me, you wore track pants, a hoodie, and a poncho all from your alma mater and you get wet, you will look like a wet fruit of whatever color you're wearing, in my case, cranberry. 3). I feel it's inappropriate to have a DJ from what I could only assume was cobalt at the rally beforehand 4). I'm pretty sure Eleanor Holmes-Norton was drunk when she was giving her ra ra sis boom bah speech. 5). I walked from AdMo to Freedom Plaza, the three mile loop and all the way back.... I walked over 8 miles.... I obviously rule hardcore.

Spending an icky saturday afternoon watching TV, baking pies/fantastic dinner, and hanging out with friends is a great pick me up and a great way to recharge for the night ahead.

Tip for the straight guys out there.... just because I'm gay does NOT mean I want to meet your gay friend whom I would obviously be PERFECT for just because we both like to S*ck D*ck. I'm just going to put it out there but to assume makes an ASS out of U and ME.

Karma is a b*tch, if you go to a party wherein several marines show up that have the combined IQ of a grapefruit and one of whom refers to you as the F*g, just hold tight and wait, especially if they're hornier than a prisoner at the Ms. America pagaeant. Said offender after I heard him referring to me as said F*g, fell down a flight of stairs, got rebuffed by every person with a vagina in the room, and trying to be a cool guy with his tobacco chew, spit a nice long line of ick juice down his right sleeve of his white shirt..... what a winner.

If you're playing drinking games with said Marines (and you're drinking naught but coca cola and they can't hold whatever vile substance they're passing around) and you're playing "Kings" and Questions comes up... it is perfectly fine to stare these uber heterosexual giants in the face and ask things like "so what's up with don't ask don't tell?" or "so do you guys take turns effing each other or is it more of a flipping coin thing?"

I'm at work on columbus day.... my commute was dreamy but the fact that I'm not a federal employee with the day off is anything but.