Friday Five.... let the randomness ensue

1). Apparently Lance Bass is gay..... gee.... sure didn't see that one coming. That's almost as suprising as Gay, I mean Clay Aiken being reported to participating in the love that dare not speak its name.

2). At JR's last night a fellow who I hope was inebriated thought it was appropriate to, without introducing himself OR buying me a drink, touch me in one of my no no spots. After I made it abundantly clear that if he continued in this manner he wouldn't be leaving the bar with the same number of appendages he entered it with I got to thinking that in a more casual atmosphere I would have said something to the effect of "please look with your eyes, not with your hands" like dealing with a four year old.

3). Velvet nation is closing its doors after this saturday nights bash. bye bye sketchy bartenders who were plying me with alcohol when I was still in High School. Bye Bye platforms which, unfortunately, after being plyed with alcohol while still in High School I've taken one or two tumbles from and then woke up the next morning with a "why the hell do I have a bruise on my head?" Bye bye sketchy guys giving each other (insert several words here)-jobs in the bathroom, corner, upstairs, and above all in the foam. Your sketchy disco ball will always shine in our memories..... at least till I erase them with vodka. PS... at least nobody was shanked at nation... that's right Chaos, I'm looking at you my little pinata.

4). This will be my last weekend in DC for about 6 weeks.... Rehomo here I come, land of Grotto Pizza, Obies by the Sea, Dolle's, and hundreds of gay men in swimwear that will make you cringe (squarecuts are the work of satan) but at the same time make you feel oh so cute in your AussiBum running shorts over a simple black speedo... PS I've come to a decision and I'm retiring my raggedy ass speedo from when I was a lifeguard... sad times. PPS, since I've been at Rehomo every summer since I was 2 I feel like if I don't go at least once a year something bad will happen.... is that weird?

5). Having the girl that your next door neighbor is boinking introduce herself to you in the elevator and then proceed to tell you that she'll be living with him for the summer when you know for a fact that he's been bringing other ladies over there and they haven't been leaving till the next morning is super awkward. The fact that as soon as you end said convo and put in your handy dandy iPod earphones and start your walk and "Promiscuous" comes on is the perfect topper.... I mayhaps did a little awkward robot dance at the corner of my block when that happened......doo doo dodooo dooo doo.... awkward robot dance yeah....

B*tch please

So apparently spurred on by a series of muggings on the mall plus a nice british fellow getting shanked in Georgetown, the DC chief of police has fit to call for a state of emergency for residents of the District of Columbia.

No Effing Kidding. Ummm didn't the police chief realize this when his own car was stolen less than a year ago? Yeah did I live on the same street at the time? I sure did. Did I make friends with peaches, the prostitute that worked in front of the apartment building across the street from the townhouse I lived in??? you betcha!!

I'm sorry, groups of tourists? deserve to get mugged. There. I said it. I'm going to burn straight in the eternal fires of hell but anyone wearing a lime green visor and a fanny pack deserves to have someone stick them up. just sayin.

In the wake of all of this did my parents call me to ask if I was going to be getting some pepper spray to put on my keychain? oh yes they did. What was the first thought that entered my head?? "I don't think it'll fit in my going out jeans when I go to JR's". I think my mom at some point made some references to karate classes I'd taken when I was in elementary school.......riiiiiight

Although I will say this. The man that comes between me and my jack spade bag, louis vuitton wallet, ipod, or cell phone better be prepared... because in the great words of sheneneh, a strong black woman to whom I am very close to, "I don't know karate, but I sure as hell know CUHRAAAAZY"

I may not look tough, but I'll tear a b*tch a new one.


P.S. I just finished watching Como Agua Para Chocolate, and the main character apparently from what I understand, kills the man she loves by having sex with him.... does that mean she's really good at it or really bad at it?

here.... there... everywhere

So ok....welcome to my life

This past weekend I spent time with the royal family also known as mumsy and daddykins.....

Mumsy: Well [dale] there's something I always wanted to know about the gays
*PS this is 3 bottles of wine and 2 rounds of martinis between 3 people*
Dale: Umm ok
Mumsy: Do all gay men shave their pubic hair off??
Dale: Is that your natural hair color mumsy?
Mumsy: God I hope your sister doesn't wear a mini-skirt tonight, she looks awfully cheap with it on.....

Yeah I don't follow either.

Sunday saw me actually spending time with la principessa [the sister] who saw fit to come down to Jumanji and we had wings and watched the final game of the world cup...... now let me say a couple things about the world cup.....

This

And This

And This

That's all I have to say about that.

Now let me just say if you've had any amount of alcohol in your system and you are with one of your best friends, you should not watch This Movie. You will cry, a lot.

Love isn't always roses and chocolate, it's not always candlelight and slowdancing. Sometimes it's about sitting in silence with one of your best friends who may as well be your family. Sometimes it's the little things that help out a lot more than anything else.

I have to be in Baltimore for a meeting tomorrow morning at 9am.... I am not pleased.... not at all.....

Hiatus

Sorry Y'all I've been on hiatus due to holiday and new job..... momma's back.

I have a new job.... fun people... laid back atmosphere...and I have my own office... however the whole blogging thing during work might not work out so well as any and all communication is apparently "monitored." However I've met the IT guys that are apparently "monitoring" my computer at all times and has anyone seen Harold and Kumar go to white castle??? yeah add in about 4 dime bags of weed and you have these guys.

Monday was el dio de relaxacion, praise the baby jesus. I spent our nations birthday playing tennis with two of my best friends... and let me just say that we may or may not have stopped traffic more than once because we were so shiny with the sweat....or maybe because we kept hitting the ball over the fence into the middle of 18th st...... who knows???

The fourth.... after SOMEBODY decided to get boonesfarm (not me) and left it in my fridge, which is a crime against the baby jesus..... ps the fourth of july makes me want a hot dog REALLLLLLL BAD.... we watched the fireworks on my rooftop.

Who was hungover for day 1 of work???? mayhaps me..... blargh

I think I've covered all the bases

I would post an update tomorrow but I am watching "the notebook" after having a VERY eventful weekend.... I won't be in any place to be anywhere but sleeping.

So I think once again I've learned many things this past weekend such as:

If you go to Remmingtons in order to meet up with this lady, this lady, this lady, this lady, and meet this lady, you should not do shots of Jameson. It will put you into a bad bad place. And if you do go to this bad place, it's probably not a good idea to go to JR's afterwards and then to McDonalds.

If your family wants to have brunch at a swanky restaurant the morning after being in a bad place, wear sunglasses, drink plenty of water, and don't get a bloody mary.

If your sister makes you sweatpants that say "people know me" across the butt, wearing them out everywhere is totally acceptable.... totally acceptable.

If your sister is visiting DC, take her to this locale for dinner.... it's tots deelish, even more so in matching clothes... cuz were that cool.

If your friends ask you to go white water tubing..... do it... trust me, there's nothing better than floating down a river on an inner-tube drinking some beer and hanging out with a great group of people *looks around* wait did I say that?? Am I turning into a big butch man??? ha ha ha ha not to worry.

Now something that makes tubing all that much better, is if you and one of your best friends break off from the group, and go tubing 3/4 of the way naked... were we perved on by some rando's tubing across the river??? yeah, but whatev's.... you only live once.

.25 cent chicken wings after tubing all day puts your stomach in a bad place, but well worth it.

Sometimes

Sometimes you feel like a nut

Sometimes you don't.

Almond Joys got nuts

Mounds don't

BECAUSE

Sometimes you feel like a nut.

Sometimes you feel like hooking up with two of your friends boss in his office while visiting said friends who is married and has kids and stopping mid hookup because you have a morality moment and telling said boss to wait in his office and totally ditching him..... oh and then hang out with a guy that was in a coma for the better part of a month, who has bad memory problems, and being remembered by said guy because you were tinkerbell last halloween and he remembered you because you were wearing pretty much nothing.........


Just sayin

never leave the couch

I have made a miraculous discovery

10am to 11am- Desigining Women: I'm more of a Julia Sugarbaker

11am-Noon: Golden Girls: More of a Rose, I'm just too sweet for words!

Noon-1pm: Will and Grace....no lie, in HS they used to call me Karen, cuz I'm mean and I drank martini's since I was 16.


Do you think my new job will let me come in around 1:30?

Friday Five......... Sayonara Suckers!

1). Today is my last day of my job. I'm taking almost two weeks off. During said time I will be sleeping in, sunning, and decorating jumanji. Be jealous.... be very jealous

2). My car was almost stolen Wednesday.... in a parking lot in the suburbs... I totally confronted the gentleman as it was broad daylight.... did I turn on my diva switch and get my keys back? you betcha!!

3). It's a good thing I wasn't entirely too open about my "social" life last night at cactus cantina after the third glass of sangria..... oh wait.

4). If you haven't yet, put it in your calendar to see The Vodka Manx at the Science Club, wicked good tunes and really chill atmosphere... I will definitely be a repeat offender at said location.

5). Myself and one of my best friends are unable to be employed when the other is not, she quit as of today..... thank god I'll have someone to make fun of Rachel Ray with during the day while I'm relaxing next week!!!!

I'm a washingtonian

As one born and raised in the DC/metro area......well maybe not born, I hail from Ballmer hun, I recently took an online test (because they're the most accurate obvy) and it has been determined that I'm 57% Dixie..... I think that's just about perfect for a Washingtonian... don't you?

PS. Totally called in sick from work today, tomorrow's my last day.... I'm so klassy

PPS. My sister, for my birthday, made me a pair of sweats that say across the butt "People Know Me" in an homage to Ron Burgundy.... yeah that's gonna do well for my rep.

Now THAT's what I call a dream

I don't usually remember my dreams but this one was loud, proud, and in color!!

Picture it, new orleans (no clue why), and myself, Chip, our friends Joe (who for some reason had a mullet), the ladies known as the Twin Towers, and my friend C who is dating one of the twin towers were all celebrating something which has also yet to be determined. For most of the dream I'm freaking out that I should be going home because I have an non-linear geometry exam this coming friday... thankfully I'm smart enough even in dream form to realize that I graduated in 2004.... I'm so smart S-M-R-T.

Anyways, for whatever reason, it's also Gay Pride so Chip and I decide to go to a drag show which as I recall was fabulous. But who has the best table in the house? You guessed it, Carol Schwartz. I got a little excited and we stayed to enjoy the show.

We go back to the celebration with the rest of our friends and guess who shows up?? La Schwartz, obviously she'd heard about our party and wanted to join in. I actually remember thinking.... wow, I bet The Boy is going to be wicked jealous when he finds out I was hanging with Carol, maybe I should call him... nah, he never picks up his phone anyways. Then who shows up?? Eleanor Holmes Norton, duh.

Carol has to excuse herself for a menthol, Chip joins her as no lady should smoke outside alone, and I ran and got my camera and joined the pair. The following conversation ensued

LaSchwartz: So Holmes, what'd you do tonight? I was at the most fabulous drag show
EHN: Oh I stayed in and watched some TV
LaSchwartz: You should definitely go sometime, it's so much fun.
EHN: That's not really my style.
LaSchwartz: EHN, don't be such a f*cking b*tch.

Some people dream of flying.... Some people dream of getting a piece.... apparently I dream of DC council members / non-voting DC reps in Congress...

How to look like you're working hard......without really trying

Ok dokie..... this is my last week at my current job... I will be taking about two weeks of vaca before starting the next one. I was GOING to go to SoBe this weekend, as my mom is going because she's bored and was going to rent another hotel room for me (drunken offer) .... why am I not going?? mumsy didn't tell me until yesterday and I already made plans. It's ok, she promised me key west come winter.

Anyways, as I look back on my tenure as an employed member of society, WHICH I have to say is entirely overrated. I long for the days that I was a recently graduated individual with no real marketable skills except for my circus experience, who spent the summer of 04 doing naught but waking up, going to the pool with my laptop, "applying" for jobs for about 45 minutes, go swimming, go to the gym, go back to the air conditioned apartment, turn on the Cosby Show, pour myself a little G&T, and call my other friend who was also unemployed, she'd bring over sushi and wine, and we'd watch the iron chef marathon for the rest of the day.

However, I thought I'd share some things that I DID learn as an employed individual (obviously from others as I'm the perfect employee), which is still overrated and I'm in the market for a sugar daddy a la last summer with the beach house fame.

Always carry a pad and pen: This makes it look like you're in the middle of something. It helps if you have something written down, preferrably in list form on that pad. If you keep the pen behind your ear, it gives the appearance that you're in so much of a hurry that you can't be bothered.

Perfect your "I'm intently staring at the computer screen no matter what's on it" look: Mastering this look will make anyone who walks by your office/cube think to themselves "wow, look at how intense [insert name here] is, I shouldn't bother them with this little question, let me go find an intern."

Cover all surfaces on your desk with stickies and print outs: You can print out emails, no matter how banal, and if called on it you say, "I like to keep a paper trail blah blah blah, quality assurance blah blah blah."

If you plan on leaving the office early for the day without telling anyone, leave your computer on: It aint like it's your computer, and if anyone calls you on it the next day you can say you were looking for [insert name of file] at the [insert obscure filing location] and went back to your desk later obviously. duh.

I wonder if I should tell HR the things I've learned on my exit interview......hmmmmmmm

wow

So ok, tornado of crazy doesn't begin to describe what's going on right now.... this weekend was no different.

If someone asks you to do a shot of tequilla with them at Fox and Hounds, don't do it. It will no doubt put you in a bad bad place as one shot apparently translates to half a water glass at F&H.

Groups of straight girls from the vag should not be allowed in the gayborhood after dark unaccompanied by a card carrying gay man who lives in DC or lesbian who lives in DC.

Actual convo had by myself and a friend whom I don't see often, on Saturday:

Dale: So what's new?
Friend: ummm since we talked last (bout a month ago) me and my bf got domestic partnerized and he got a job in (country that's not the US) and we're moving there in a month
Dale: ummmm wow...well.... I bought a futon....

This morning I just got word that a friend from college that I haven't talked to in a couple years died saturday night. I'm still kinda shell shocked but in more of a "holy sh*t" place than a crying place, one of those "I feel bad because I don't feel worse" type situations.... I don't even know how it happened but she was only 27..... life sure as sh*t aint fair sometimes.

Friday Five.... summer summer summertiiiiime

1). I totally forgot how awkward robot dance it is to be with a couple of your friends and run into someone's parent that knew you when you were a child. Twenty minutes later and she's regaling your friends with stories about how your mom helped her through her menopause and how cute you were when you and her daughter had matching speedos all summer, every summer, for 10 years because your mom and her always made sure to go swimsuit shopping together..... It's a good thing I didn't want to cover my head with my hands and go to my happy place.... oh wait.

2). It's really kind of awkward when your friends ex's contact you out of the blue "just to chat." I thought we settled the whole custody battle when you dicked over my friend?? No? well then I can't be held responsible for what I lead you to believe.... what am I up to? oh you know, hot bf (lie), going to europe for a couple weeks (lie).... and yourself? still doing manual labor? yeah that's tough.

3). I've already seen from my travels up and down the runway that this summer, much like summers past, has seen fit to trick some poor misguided queens into buying the complex velcro meets woven meets crazy sandal contraptions. Let me give y'all a little hint of advice. Keep it simple, keep it classy, thong sandal (flip flop) or simple across the bridge of your foot slide sandal. Less is more ladies. Oh and these are a crime against nature..... a crime...nature.. against.

4). I'm sorry did anyone else see the Britney Spears Interview last night??? Holy Guacamole, it was everything I could ask for and more. There was the bad extensions, the see through maternity shirt, the crying, and an glob of chunked up mascara at the corner of one of her eyes that was big as life!! PS did everyone get a look at those heinous wooden sandal-y things she was wearing??? Looks like someone has come full circle and is just as trashy as she wants to be.... she's totally two steps away from having sex with her cousin and featuring a banjo in her next music video. PS matt lauer, while I would still have a million of his babies.... starting to get a little busted... c'mon matt.

5). I believe the summer itch has finally taken hold of me. I definitely go through periods of hibernation where gentlemen callers mean little to nothing to me.... I think that's over, at least for now. Time to re-open the application process for a gentleman caller, application to follow.

I'm so educatafied!!!

So ok.... obviously since it was a glorious evening I went to the runway and met a friend for cocktails at Fox and Hound, I didn't expect it to be such an educational experience as I learned a few things.

1). If you walk up and down the runway long enough you are guaranteed to pick up a man. This was evident by not one but two gentlemen (I use the term loosely) who walked up and down 17th st. maybe 8 or 9 times a piece and were rewarded with organisms that can only be classified as pseudo human that they then took to what I assume was a covered location to do whatever unholy acts. PS: Gentleman #1 ( sleeveless T, bad dye job[lollipop red], and WAAAAY too much fake and bake) Gentleman #2 ( obviously on something, eyes dilated more than marion barrys on election day, skinny guy in v. baggy clothes) They obviously both deserve no sex in life.

2). Groups of unaccompanied straight girls who are tools, at an establishment on a street where the majority of businesses are gay owned and operated will congratulate themselves on being so fabulous for hanging in the gayborhood no less than 10 times an hour. Congratulate yourselves all you want ladies, at the end of the night aint none of us is punching your kitty. Now this isn't a rant on straight women, three of my best friends are straight women.... but they're also not tools.

3). If you are at an establishment that sells drinks by bringing you a cup with ice and the liquor of your choice in it and then give you a travel size bottle of whatever (in my case tonic) with which to mix with the glass full of the liquor of your choice, do NOT order the following (a martini, a cosmopolitan, or a mimosa) You will be branded for the rest of the night as the jerks from the dirty vag wearing short-sleeve buttondowns and madras shorts (short sleeve buttondowns make the baby jesus cry) that decided to come to dc and be idiots. Also don't even get me started on the lady that ordered a mimosa at 9 pm......

4). I am not a bitch just because you slapped my butt on the way to the bathroom and I turned around and told you that that was not an appropriate way to introduce yourself, give you a look that would make Hitler cry, and then turn and walk away. I'm a lady dammit.

What DIDN'T happen this weekend

Pride is a magical time full of hope, full of love, full of vodka..... lot's of vodka.

Friday night Chip and I went with a couple of other ladies to JR's and then to Halo, where I was reminded how small this city is when one lady commented about "socializing" with another lady in the backseat of their fathers mercedes, and the lady in question happened to be the current bf of one of the other people in the group.... yeah can you say awkward??

Saturday was the last lazy Chip/Dale saturday for a very long time, in sweats and a hoodie I traversed with Chip who actually managed to look presentable to P. City to get some last minute things for his trip, I admire Chip for being able to go to Ecuador but any country that requires me to have mosquito netting is really just not for me.... and having had to use it previously in my travels I can just say it is one of the most annoying things to roll over in bed just to end up with a mouth full of mosquito netting.

The parade... everyone was there... Ms. Carol Schwartz all a glitter in her green print blouse and requisite chunky jewelery. We had long islands, that may have been a bad choice. Chip may or may not have yelled at a girl who was standing in his way, and then made fun of her, and then realized she was deaf....sweet. Oh and some lady came up to me started screaming from recognizing me and this blog from a picture from an unknown location (probably porn) and stroked my ego more than a baby kitten. I ended that night at JR's, I was going to go to blowoff but due to extenuating circumstances that didn't happen so much as not.

Sunday was the main event, my parents brunch.... I started drinking at 10am and didn't stop till about 10 pm.... that was ridic. Thankfully everything went off without a hitch and the staff at the locale was very accomodating to me read ( they bowed in fear...IN FEAR). After which was a trip to a watering hole in my neck of the woods and many of the blogerati were in attendance, which was followed by JR's where I was accused of not wearing underwear several times... my response?? "Of course I'm wearing underwear.... I'm a LADY."

Obvy called in sick on monday, Accepted a job offer, watched some blockbuster, accepted a date offer from a gentleman whom I'd given my number to at the parade and don't remember doing such a thing. I remember him as cute, we shall see what develops. my kickball team dominated the field... and then we said goodbye to Senor Chip for the summer, hopefully he won't get eaten by a llama while in Ecuador.

Bon Voyage!!!

Pride: my body still hurts. more later.

Tomorrow Chip is moving to Ecuador, let us all wish him good luck, lots of fun, and well wishes!! DC won't be the same this summer, and McDonalds sales figures on 17th st at 2 in the morning will take a dramatic decrease.

!!!GOOD LUCK CHIP!!!!

Friday Five... Convo-tastic!!

1). There has got to be something in the paint of my condo complex because not only is one of the front door ladies obviously a meth addict or something as she's constantly chewing her gums and drooling on herself while talking.... THERE'S more than ONE!!!! As I was doing my laundry last night (Maid's on vaca) another lady on the condo board came into the laundry room, stood there and proceeded to stare at me....until it was mucho awkward and then I turned and the following convo ensued,

Dale: Ummm hi?
Crazy Lady #2: So.....where are you from?
Dale: Ummm Montgomery County?
CL2: No, what's your background?
Dale: Oh, ummm my dad's Japanese my mom's German
CL2: I thought so! I said to myself that boy is too tall for an Oriental.
Dale: *Screaming in my head* ORIENTAL IS FOR CARPETS NOT PEOPLE YOU DUMB FAT SMELLY PIECE OF SH*T. *Actually Said* Ummm yup, guess so, k bye now.

2). My godparents as I've said time and time again scare me on several levels. They love the eff out of me and if anything happened to me they'd unleash the fury of a thousand suns on whomever.... plus I know there's a lot of you out there that think you can drink..... I can without a doubt say that my godmother can drink you under the table... twice. I've actually been yelled at for stopping at two martinis after cocktails and margarita hour. Anyways as my parents anniversary brunch is in Dupont I suggested to everyone that they metro... the following convo ensued with my godmother.

Dale: Hi [godmother], you might want to metro this weekend, it's pride and it's going to be wicked crowded
Godmother: *pause* public transportation? oh honey, the [godmothers last name] do not take public transportation, what if were seen?
Dale: Good point. I'll have your martini ready when you get there (11 am, sunday morning)


3). Convo I had with a co-worker on what one should serve as food at a naked party.

Dale: So, if you were to host such a party, what kind of food would you serve
CW: Cheese tray?
Dale: Yeah and veggies, but I wouldn't serve any carrot niblets or beanie weanies...bad images.
CW: Yeah and light on the sauces, those things can really stain the upholstery


4). Convo I had with my mother who wanted to walk in the Pride parade under the PFLAG banner in her wedding dress...

Dale: Mom, you are not walking in the parade in your wedding dress
Mom: fine, but I'm still walking.
Dale: Mom you know that means actual walking right? you aren't on a float.
Mom: Really? Nevermind, I don't do walking.

5). And finally.... in honor of pride a convo I had with a straight guy friend on the nature or nurture argument on homosexuality.

Dale: I watched Underworld Evolution last night... it was pretty sweet.
SGF: yeah, someone should tell those bible thumpers out there that if you're still gay after watching Kate Beckinsale as a leather-wearing vampire, then being gay is not a choice.
Dale: Aint that the truth.

*PS Katie B. can make the the Ro's drool all they want, Scott Speedman shirtless for most of the movie?? Be still my heart!!*

HAPPY PRIDE!!!!

Pride 2k6, because knoweledge is power

So Pride 2k6 is in sight and the signs are all around us, i.e. streamers of homosexual glory outside cobalt, the announcement of the bachelor auction (which I will NOT be participating in this year thank god..... that was a bad choice, not because I have ANY problem standing in front of a large group of people in just my underwear but because that night last year I may or may not have made out with mr. clean and passed out in my car)

ANYWAYS, I thought that seeing as how I revel in the dispensation of knoweledge, especially that of the homosexual variety.... so therefore I'd like to give my own Pride Guide 2006.

Mr. & Ms. DC Pride: Wanna see where the people from Annies aka The Glass Coffin go when they aren't chowing down on overpriced jalapeno poppers and watching those of us that don't have to wear adult depends walk on the runway??? You will find them all watching Mr. & Ms. DC Pride.... I went one year, on a date, it was not fun, I never talked to that guy again.

Parade: Think a DC version of Mardi Gras, Bringing water bottles with your favorite bevvy in it is always a good idea... stay hydrated (Read: half vodka half cranberry juice). Fighting the crowds to get into Cobalt to get a refreshment is not ladylike, although I've fought the crowds to use the restroom.... that is a necessity. It will be hot. Unless you go to the gym a LOT please don't take off your shirt.... it is an affront to the very delicacy of my nature. Oh and if you wear sandals be prepared to at some point have your feet stepped on.

Attire In General: No jean shorts or cut off jean shorts. No sleevless T-s, it is not 1995 anymore. No Visors, I can't even begin to tell you my problems with visors. No Tevas, those are a hate crime against your feet. Birks are allowed for our saphic (sp?) sisters. short sleeve button downs are also not cute, and if I see any queen walking around with their thong showing out of their pants I may or may not do a drive by with a body glitter stick.

Festival: I don't like it, I'm hungover and I'm in no mood to talk to the gay black jewish coalition on why I should support gay parents in El Salvador or what have you. The biggest concern on my mind is usually who I made out with outside JR's last night and why my mouth tastes vaguely of liccorice and even though I went home alone why I'm wearing somebody elses shirt.

So go, be gay, be fabulous, enjoy the festivities, and if any of you are so inclined to stand near the protestors (I don't like to) Give them a few choice words for me. I'm sure I'll be out, but I apologize in advance if I don't remember conversing with any of y'all come Monday.

OH and remember this : What Happens at Pride, stays at pride.... take from that what you will.

Sweet Jesus Christ on a Cracker.......

Oh.....Mah.....Gawd.....

So... ok. Yesterday as I'm planning on leaving, excited about my regular trips to the spa by my office to get groomed, cut, and otherwise tended to in a way that befits my status (duh), a co-worker stopped by my office. Now she's religious. Not in a normal, I hate gays, I hate technology kind of way....... that I can deal with. She's religious in that her church is named the flaming spirit of the lord, speaks in tongues, and has recently joined a dance class for the sole purpose of praising Jesus.

ANYWAYS... she came into my office yesterday to have a conversation that in my mind is entirely too long to have in a professional setting and then turns to leave but then turns back... and no joke says...... "Oh (Dale) remember, Jesus Loves You." My response was.... "Ummm thanks" (which incidentally is the same response I had to one of my ex's when he dropped the L-bomb however there are very few similarities between him and the son of our lord other than they both probably could use more showers)

Let's review:

We are in a work environment. You don't know my religion. For all you know I could be the high priest of the house of Satan or something, I'm not btw... red and black really aren't my colors plus I have a feeling there's a big leather contingent with that kind of religion and there are many things I look good in but leather aint one of them.

Turns out she's been singleing out the 'mo's on my floor and basically telling us all that Jesus loves us on a semi-regular basis, mayhaps she's trying to save my sould which has been damned to the fiery pits of hell for participating in a little man on man action and having an undying love for This Man (who will one day make an honest woman out of me).

.... So to this person I say, "No Maam, Jesus obviously does not love me because then he would have given me the capacity to put up with your simple minded weird self...unfortunately I do not have this ability."

Story Addendum: She cut her most of her hair off the other week because she feared she was worshiping it like a false idol and cutting it brought her closer to the lord.

Allright Enough is Enough

In the wake of our fearless leader issueing his support of the first constitutional amendment that limits the rights of his citizens, I believe it is time for me to once again assume control over jesusland and take the reigns of this country before were ALL start saying things such as:

"I think we agree, the past is over" (Bush, May 10, 2000)

That being said, please let me communicate the platforms on which I will be running, and obviously winning the position of POTUS, as well as maintaining HRH Dale.

Family: I think were a little too short-sighted here. The issue isn't about who can marry who, who the eff cares if Jim wants to marry John instead of Jane, god may not have created Adam and Steve but he sure created Cheez Wiz so we all know that the big guy aint perfect. Plus, I still can't wrap my head around how my marrying a prada-clad, beach house on 3 coasts having, tall, dark and handsome man can be the undoing of society. I think the issue we have to think of is procreation. Under my authority, all couples who wish to procreate or adopt will have to go through an intense screening process which will determine, attractiveness, intelligence, good taste, and etiquette. It is my vision that THIS never happen ever again.

Iraq: Anyone raise their hand who thinks this is a good idea. No George.... not you.... you go sit in the corner and stop eating the paste.

Cabinet: I will announce the addition of several cabinet positions to my administration which would include the Duchess of Protocol, Secretary of Style, and Secretary of Cocktails. These positions will be mostly domestic however they will include government subsidies on happy hours, subsidized consultations at major department stores which will teach us things such as why neon spandex is not your friend, and a pamphlet which will detail what fork to use when.

Choosing A new CIA Head: I think the most important qualification of a CIA director was overlooked when Hayden was appointed. The ability to sing along to the Mission Impossible soundtrack while making your hands into a gun shape and going all stealth mode down a hallway.....duh.


Hurricanes: Ummmmmm I'm against them?

Education: As were all aware I plan on opening Dale's Royal Etiquette Academy for Youth. While that specific institution will only be open to a very select few (emphasis on the gays), I encourage more such schools to open.


With all these platforms I am confident in the fact that I can also add POTUS to my royal title. Thank you.


P.S.- I was having a convo with Chip last night about how you're pets reflect your personality. I have a cock-a-poo..... what exactly does that say about me??? hmmmmmmm

Forewarned is Fairwarned

1) I have no idea why I feel like posting, but I do.

2) I am back in town after a four day wedding celebration in Memphis, and I will need much time to recover. I know most people who read this blog frown on Virginia, so I can only imagine how they feel about the Midwest, but Memphis is still one of my absolute favorite cities! *Cue the Marc Cohn...

3) Today is my last day of work!

4) Chasing a shot of vodka with whiskey on the rocks is not advisable. Dancing like a fool at large gatherings (especially weddings) however, is strongly encouraged!

5) I am in love with my new "Ms. New Booty" ring tone.

6) Graceland is WAY overrated. Random fun (or lame) fact: Elvis's motto was "Takin' care of business in a flash" and memorialized this motto with the notation TCB over a bolt of lightning. This symbol appears on his planes, the Lisa Marie and the Hound Dog, among over things.

7) The perfect way to end a four day glutton fest of eating and drinking in excessive amounts is to take a cab from the airport directly to Adam's Mill for 25 cent wings and $2.00 beers, of course.

8) I move to Ecuador one week from tomorrow!

The weekend, fun, sun, shopping.... duh.

Friday night I'd like to thank all the ladies that came out to help me culminate the celebration week of my birth at JR's. This may or may not include one gentleman who, as reported by other sources on Saturday socialized not once, but twice in one of the bathrooms. Now that's Klass. I actually was sober sally Friday night.... what? me? in control of my faculties? who knew? God maybe I am getting old. Although I did redeem myself by mayhaps going to Chaos to see the trannie performer with big glittery pasties over her nipples, I thought I was going to get shanked by a sandanista or something. I also ended the night in true Lady fashion...... Amsterdam Falafel with extra hummus duh.

Saturday I had brunch with this lady, saw a fellow blogger as he was on his way out from the same establishment. I would have gotten up but I was looking a little rough and not about to draw attention to this fact. I then did my cardio for the week, also known as going into a furniture store after being recommended to by this fantastic gentleman, and pulling out my tiara with the following convo:

Dale: Hi, I'd like this futon with this mattress and I want this mattress cover made for me, oh and I don't do assembly so thanks for taking care of that.

Salesman: That's the quickest anyone has ever come in here and bought a futon. Do you want to look at the cost estimate?

Dale: No thanks, here's my card, I'm going to go pick out some more stuff....

apparently brunch and a bloody mary on a saturday turns me into La Lohan.


I had family dinner Saturday night with a couple of my best friends, mucho vino was had and then apparently we went out in AdMo for a little heterosexual-fabulosity. Much of the night remains a mystery much like Jared Leto's sexuality, however I will report that I woke up next to an empty box that may have contained jumbo slice at one point.

Fast forward to brunch with various friends and were standing in front of a table at a restaurant in admo waiting for a table, and honestly watching this guy break up with his gf at brunch. Obviously were trying to hear what they're saying as duh, if you're dumb enough to stick around while your bf is trying to break up with you in public then you will be the source of my entertainment.... duh.

Rest of sunday= recovery and family dinner at sushi... and viewing of Big Love which I heart. PS gay men could never have a polygamous situation, those are called orgies.... duh.

Friday Five..... Birthday Address!!!!!

I have been fortunate enough to have friends and family help me celebrate this past week of the anniversary of my birth, which, btw was referred to in WaPo horoscope section as the "day of royal birth" coincidence?? Obvy not... Obvy.


1). My grandfather and great aunt (who now having lost what mental faculties she has left can't really eat or talk so will no longer be called crazy, she will now be referred to as the Dowager Aunt) took me out to dinner at a chinese restaurant, and in an effort to get the Dowager Aunt to smile my grandfather picked up a fork instead of chopsticks and said... "Look at me (Dowager Great Aunt) I'm a (japanese derogatory term for white people)." She smiled.... I nearly crapped myself, good thing my family is SO PC.

2). My sister or La Principessa, has threatened to go all artsy fartsy and make some sort of amalgamation of sweatpants and puffy paint for my birthday. If I get a pair of sweats that reads Hot Stuff across the butt I swear I'm going to replace her shampoo with nair. Either that or wear them out to JR's three weeks in a row.

3). My Father, for a father son birthday present, is taking me shopping...... at Calvert Woodley Liquor store. I love my daddy.

4). This weekend is the first full weekend I have that I'm not working at SRL, I will be spending much if not all of that time in bed, save for the audience I will be having with the event coordinator at the location for my parents 30th anniversary. I use that term very loosely as I've been responsible for menu selection, wine selection, cake design, flower arrangements, seating arrangements. I will be interviewing wait staff and scheduling the time and order of all the food..... I'm sorry but I'm a queen that knows what she wants, and a big enough b*tch to demand it.

5). I have been gay-beaten (see brow-beaten of the gay variety) into going out one last time in celebration of the anniversary of my reign. Apparently I will be gracing the runway (17th st.) so if one is mayhaps to be out in said area and sees me in all my regal glory (read: drunk and having mcDonalds in one hand and Amsterdam Falafel in the other) do not judge me.

Now that I'm old I'm wise

I'm officially a year older and dammit if I haven't learned a couple of pieces of wisdom. Either because I have great people in my life that bring them to my attention or because as I traverse this path, I learn more and more about how to become a little bit more comfortable in my crown.

I was reminded last week when one of my best friends said, "you know I don't think you realize how many people love you," sometimes when you're in a dark place you forget that you're never alone because there's always someone that cares enough to walk with you. P.S. I'm also reminded of the West Wing anecdote:

There once was a man who found himself in a hole and he couldn't get out.
A priest walks by and said, "I will pray for you," and walked away.
A carepenter walked by and said, "I will go find wood and build you a ladder," and walked away.
A friend came by and immediately jumped in the hole.
The man said "what are you doing?"
The friend replied, "I've been down here before, follow me, I know the way out."

Wearing a shirt that exposes your mid-riff is never ok. for anyone. ever.

Ice-luges and I do not get along. at all.

Working 7 days a week is not a good way to alleviate boredom brought about by saturday during the day with nothing to do, even if you do get to dispense more sass than RuPaul at a drag queen convention.

Sometimes we burn bridges for a reason. Good reasons. and those bridges should stay burned.

Sandals with socks makes the baby jesus cry.

I got exactly what I wanted!!!

Tonight is my birthday.

My birthday wishes have never come true, this year was different.

I didn't wish for a boyfriend, I didn't wish for enough diamonds to crush Paris Hilton.

Sunday night when I blew out my candles I wished for what just happened

My three best friends in DC came over and had chinese food. I have no furniture, they didn't care. I had barely enough silverware and glasses for everyone, they didn't care.

It was quiet, it wasn't glamorous. It was people that I love and that love me taking time to wish me a happy birthday.

Good friends love you for your greatness, Best friends love you for your flaws. I have the best friends in the world.

I couldn't wish for anything more, and I couldn't be more grateful.

May 31

Happy birthday, Dale!

Three Day Weekends, I could get used to this

I heart three day weekends, I feel that personally I should be allowed to have every week be a three day weekend due to my delicate nature and..... well shouldn't that be enough?

Friday night saw the demise of my week thankfully, and one of my friends whom wanted to take me out for a celebration of sorts, for those of you who are not fully aware this week sees the anniversary of my gracing the planet with my precense and as such celebratory events have commenced. After having lovely Tanq and T's at another gentleman's apt. we all headed to JR's and then Halo where I not only maintained my composure but my balance.... snaps to me!! Fast forward three hours and I'm walking home through Walter Pierce park and a drunken sassy black woman was sitting on a bench and as I clip clop past in my fabulous italian mules she says... "Honey with a walk like that you belong on the runway," Girl don't I know it....

Saturday saw the demise of Snotty retail location job. I have abused my ridiculous discount to the maximum and I now am the proud owner of enough preppy wear to take me well into next year. Post last day I was walking home and stopped by at the local wine store when I realized that ALL the traffic on Connecticut Ave. from Woodley Park to Dupont had been diverted, turns out there was a jumper. Not sure if he actually did jump or not, but yikes-o-rama. I then proceeded to L'auriol for a glass of sangria and meeting up with friends.

I proceeded to go to a party hosted by all these fine ladies, drinks were had, drunkeness ensued. I had an enjoyable time without being too klassy and I would like to say that I showed excellent judgement skills on a variety of fronts, especially when I personally was confronted with a choice that I probably would have not been too happy about come morning. However this decision may have been reached after a klassy public making-out display.... I didn't say I was super klassy.

Sunday, after a recovery period I was taken out to a marvelous italian dinner by my closest friends in DC, I have to say that friends are the family you choose and I'm wicked lucky to have such a great group of people. After gorging we headed over to Dan's cafe where I may or may not have spent the better part of the evening playing the erotic photo game where you are presented with two of the same pictures but they have been edited with small differences that you have to point out in an allotted time. I'm a klassy lady.

Monday..... I celebrated memorial day in the klassiest way imaginable.... Kings Dominion. I roller coastered, I screamed, I may or may not have shared a hug on a roller coaster with the bf of one of my closest friends as I was getting thrown about like a rag doll by one of the coasters. PS if you ever feel bad about the way you look or dress or act, go to an amusement park, you will feel better about yourself in 2.2 seconds. I may or may not have ended the evening at a hooters in fredericksburg. PS I have heartburn now.... ew.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekend

The prospect of a three day weekend makes me giddier than a priest in a playground!!!

I would like to use the Friday five to give five reasons why, that while I respect and admire our armed services and more than admire a man in uniform, I will never serve our country in such a capacity.

1). I hear that camoflauge face paint makes you break out and I'm not trying to be in some deep dark jungle and have to worry about pimples.

2). If I were to be taken prisoner I would be the WORST P.O.W. There's a good chance I'd spill all of the secrets for a roll of two-ply and a snickers bar. And not even the king size snickers, I'm talking fun size snickers.

3). I have only shot a gun twice and it was a horrible horrible experience, my friend had a farm in PA that we would go to every year for his b-day and when we were all 10 his dad (ex marine) thought it would be a good idea to teach us to shoot guns. He made us all fire a handgun (A glock) and a rifle. When I fired the glock I fell back on my ass, and when I fired the rifle it left a HUGE bruise in my shoulder. Plus it made me very uncomfortable to be that close to something that deadly. PS fast forward 10 years and I'm working feet away from Anthrax, Ebola, and other agents that carry a hazard level of Biosafety Level 4. Hmmmmm

4). I refuse to lay down my life for a country that only recognizes me as a second class citizen, where (the baby jesus willing) if I decide to settle down with a consort, I would not be given the same rights as other couples. Also while serving I wouldn't be able to be proud of having such a relationship and would have to "don't tell". Eff that noise.... plus I'm gayer than christmas.

5). When my grandparents were my age, my grandfather was fighting a war for a country that had told him that because of his ethnic background he was a traitor. My grandmother and her family were placed in a high security internment camp because of their familial status and due to the "fine medical care" my great grandfather contracted pneumonia and died, after being refused transportation to a nearby hospital. They don't talk about it, preferring to show the medals my grandfather received. The only time I ever heard a story about the camps was when my great aunt who now doesn't know who I am or who anyone else is told me in a hushed tone about the one day they were all playing baseball, and someone hit the baseball under the fence and someone's little brother who was about 7 went to go get it. He had made it about 20 feet outside the fence when a guard in a tower shot him in the back and killed him. If war can make someone detached enough to be able to shoot a child then I want no part of it.

We must be more powerful than I thought

It makes me very confused as to how many crazy fundamentalist christian groups can blame things like 9/11, the war in Iraq, terrorism, and yes, even hurricane Katrina on the fact that the United States tolerates homosexuals. Apparently there was some sort of super power day that happened and I guess I slept in or something because as far as I am aware I don't have any super powers that don't involve my being able to intake enough vodka to kill a small elephant and still be able to keep my tiara from falling off. That being said I would like to announce the formation of the Gay version of Captain planet and the planeteers.... making the world a gayer place for you, me, and every fundamentalist, bible thumping, using jesus as an excuse for your hate person out there.

The power of the twink: Now this power is mainly centered on glitter, the ability to go for days without sleep or food and still look dew-y and fresh. The superhuman ability to have an encyclopedic knoweledge of every fashion magazine known to man and the ability to say "I'd like a french manicure please" while wearing clothes meant for teenage girls and still keep a straight face. This superhero's downfall however is bringing up a topic of anything substantive, if you try and discuss current events the twink will recoil in horror.... and in a blast of glitter, will be gone!! The powers of confusion are strong in this one as the twink cannot focus on anything for more than 30 seconds without having a "sparkly object" moment.

The power of the Bear: This would be the brawns of the operation, this super hero is not afraid, and is often drawn to, activities that would make some of the other parts of this team raise a well plucked eyebrow and turn on their diesel slides in contempt. While brawn is a main part, the greatest power of this member of the team is communication. Bears are most easily relateable to our heterosexual counterparts and thus make them the easiest to talk to (when it's not MAL and they're wearing a$$less leather chaps and carry a riding crop). Plus, Bears speak lesbian better than any other member on the squad.

The power of the Diva: This is probably the brains behind most of the operation. The Diva does not use physical might to destroy his foes, he uses slow, calculating, psychological destruction through subtle observations of "oh, maybe orange isn't really your color" or.... "you live where? oh... I guess that's ok." Tangling with this superhero will leave you socially destroyed as well as more insecure than you've ever been. This superhero is rarely seen without a cocktail and is the most socially connected. The Diva is usually the most cultured and has a wide base of knoweledge of varying cultural subjects. When choosing a wine to accompany a dinner or knowing which fork to eat your salad with, the Diva is the one to turn to.

The power of the Lesbian: While the Bear might seem to be the brawn of the operation, the true manpower comes from our sisters to the north, the lesbians. These fine ladies can come in with their pickup trucks and build that extension on your house in a good 2 hour time span and then still talk about the latest Sarah McLachlan/Lilith fair tour over a nice cheese and wine spread. Communication is sometimes stilted between the Lesbian and th Twink and the Diva, and the lesbians most often communicate through the Bear. Plus, I don't know about y'all but the Lesbian is the last person I want to run into in a dark alley.... they could totally kick some major a$$.

The Power of the Aber-snobs: While the Bear is the most relateable to the Ro community. The Abersnob is the groups corporate face. Hair always done, pecs always toned and with a "please photograph me" smile. Whenever we have a need to have represenation we call on the Aber-snob. Beyond smiling and having 30 second sound-bytes however, the Aber-snob is pretty much useless.


When combined together, the power of these superheros calls forth the gayest superhero of them all.... The drag queen, able to kick your ass and then reapply eye-shadow. Obvy.


PS- I heart Congress this morning....Blaming the Gays for all of societies ills is one thing, but making your point in a families and a nations time of mourning is horrible... I hope your god can forgive you, because I sure as hell can't.

Feh.... This is so not 1950

So the following conversation that may or may not have happened last night made me think about my general apathy toward my joining a relationship anytime in the near future (that is of course with the exception of my fake, pseudo, and straight boyfriends and you all know who you are) between my mother and myself who has deemed her wine of the month (WOTM) to be this selection.

Mom: So.... not getting any younger huh?

Me: ummm I guess not.

Mom: Thinking about settling down?

Me: *looks around* with who?

Mom: What about that nice lawyer you were dating?

Me: Ummm in November? *thinks to self*(Whom I now use his first name to describe all things awkward)

Mom: Yeah, I'm sure he could have provided well for you?

Me: Are you serious?

Mom: Maybe you should think about it, settling down with a nice man with a good job who can be a good provider, have a family, I'd like grandchildren at some point in the not too distant future.

Me: Mom, it's not 1950!

*It's at this point that I suffer a small stroke and have to walk to the kitchen and pour myself a vodka tonic which ends up being vodka + rocks*

It's a little unnerving to say the least that my parents are so PC with the whole gay thing that they're assuming that I should marry well and provide a rainbow coalition face for the next generation of our family and that my sister will be the one with the "successful career." Let's see her live without her family in 3 different countries, join the circus, and be published in a scientific journal all before the age of 21....... b*tch. (PS my parents are ok with the gay thing but if I brought home a man that was in any way more "ethnic" than I am they'd have a fit... tres strange non?)

I'm not necessarily opposed to settling down and if that came along great. But as I tried to explain to my mother, I was not about to go trolling for men who could be "good providers" for me at the bar at the Ritz. PS totally went to an event there with one of my ex's and some older wealthy gentleman totally tried to pick me up. it was funny.

So my current reign as Dale the virgin Monarch shall remain unscathed.. and no, drunken kissing does not count for those nay-sayers that may or may not have seen me out recently.
I'm not ruling out the possibility of meeting a gentleman that knocks me off my feet, but I'm also not willing to settle. I mean what would everyone say if I just settled for any old shmo?

PS - if last summer has taught me anything, if you want to cuddle while laying on the beach then you should just keep on walking, I'm not trying to tempt fate twice with an awkward arm shaped tan line across my back.

Ok here's the plan

Since our so called "elected officials" sit around with their thumbs up their butts trying to make DC a better place for you and me and getting nothing done but pissing off congress who in a million years will never give us representation in the legislative branch, I have come up with a couple of plans for our fair metropolis, and since I reign on high (top of 18th st.) my edicts shall flow forth like Yellowtail Shiraz and be taken as law.

Edict The First: Tourists shall not be allowed to meander in the neighborhoods of Adams Morgan, Dupont circle east of Conn Ave., Logan Circle, Kalorama, without being subject to a tax. This tax may be lifted for guests of residents of the aforementioned areas, but there will be a number limit which may be negotiated in the event of parties and/or other assorted celebrations, but only ones that our royal person is invited to. Obvy. If anyone is confused I have included a helpful map that outlines the No No area for tourists.

Edict The Second: Those that are not DC residents shall have their cars booted if left overnight at ANY location in the District. I would like to be able to come home late from an evening somewhere where I'd rather drive than walk and see my street populated with cars from Maryland or worse.... Virginia.. This applies to weekends and federal holidays, I don't care if you think you're so cool because you drove in from suburban hell to congratulate yourself on partying it up in AdMo. You will get booted, and I will laugh.

Edict The Third: DC shall play a game called, if you can find a liquor store with cheaper prices than ours we will match it!! I come to this conclusion after finding out that Montgomery County liquor stores has my favorite vino for at least 2 dollars cheaper than it is in the district. Times is rough and friends are few, those 2 dollars is important!!! The same goes for Tobacco Products.

Edict The Fourth: DC shall not tear down Whitehurst Freeway, as it is both convenient and glorious in my commute home in the evening. I am declaring it under my royal protectorate so back the eff off.

Edict The Fifth: All roads coming into DC and going out of DC shall be subject to toll's of non-dc residents. You eff up our streets, you use our resources, it's time you started giving back especially when you bogart all the parking, make the lines at Starbucks entirely too long for my liking in the morning, and make my commute less than light speed. So use the metro, take a bus, but get off my roads.

Ummm I'm sorry what?

Friday night was the night of "Ummmm I'm sorry what?"

Sitting outside of my friends house enjoying the evening air when a homeless man walks past, stops, turns and the following conversation ensues:

Homeless Man (HM): Excuse me, are you Asiatique?
Dale: Ummm I'm half Japanese half German, is that the same?
HM: I was stationed in Japan once, I was in the Marines
Dale: Ummm that's nice
HM: By the way.... are you gay?
Dale: Ummm yes?
HM: You look like a nice person
Dale: Thank you
HM: I was wondering..... would you like to S*ck my D*ck?
Dale: Ummm I'm sorry what?
HM: You just seem like a nice person
Dale: I'm sorry were done here, I have to go inside.
HM: Oh ok, hey, before you go do you know where I can meet any Asiatique or Puerto Rican guys?
Dale: *turns and goes inside, slamming door*


Fast forward 4 hours, Chip has done a shot that makes his face look like something unholy and against jesus, I get proposed to at Remmingtons, and we do the shimmy shimmy shake over to Cobalt, the scene is busted and I'm walking/stumbling home to Jumanji..... Who do I see??? Homeless Man.... who asks me yet again if I would like to felate him.

What I should've said: I'm sorry, I've been at Remmingtons and Cobalt all night where I was in the company of PLENTY of men that didn't smell like garbage who probably would be more than happy if I were to "socialize" with them in the manner that you so eloquently outlined earlier in the evening. Not only do I not want to be physical with you, your blatant racial profiling and odiferous odor are detractors to your overall package, not to mention the whole "derelicte" look is SO 1998.

What I actually said: EWWWWWWW and ran to Amsterdam falafel where I drowned my problems in chickpea related goodness......

The rest of the weekend is a blur of retail fabulousness, Birthday celebrations, and random craziness.....

PS, mother nature, stop being an icy b*tch and warm the eff up. I'm delicate like an orchid and cold as all get out.

Friday.... phew!

1). I found myself last night watching the final episode of Will and Grace at JR's with a vodka tonic in my hand. At one point I stopped myself and I thought, "I couldn't be any gayer if I had disco balls hanging from my nipples and glitter coming out of my butt." At which point a commercial break saw the playing of A-Ha's "Take on me" and when we were singing along I realized, no, wait, I've officially out-gayed myself. P.S. having this lady get waaaasted is so funny as to anything I would say to her she would reply, "the bills don't pay themselves, they sure don't."

Example:

Me: Hey lady where's everybody else?

Klassy Lady : The bills don't pay themselves, they sure don't.

So wise.... so wise..

2). Remember the time I along with Senor Chip helped a drunken guy home from a party on saturday? Remember the time that we then subsequently saw him in a more sober state on wednesday night post kickball and he totally didn't remember us helping him home? Remember the time that he did a repeat of Saturday night and ended up passed out in an alley in AdMo post kickball drinking? Yeah.... I do.

3). I have an entirely new workout regimen that's totally the new hotness. It's called the walk down 18th St. from Jumanji which obviously sits on high, to the gayborhood to the bars, and then back. PS I love turning up a hot jam and doing runway past Lauriol, specially when it's busy, unless I happen to trip on the sidewalk and almost bite it. twice. in a row.

4). The entire mop of hair I had atop my head is now a thing of the past. I traded that look in for the euro faux-hawk because I'm obviously A) Euro and B) Punk. PS having a hair prep time of 3 minutes instead of 15-20 is an amazing thing.

5). Many fabulous people were born on this day, May 19. They include Ho Chi Minh, Grace Jones, and Malcolm X. (also someone else has a birthday today, if you think you know and you see him out buy him a drink, or two. And buy me one too.... kthx)

Ahhh those were the days.

As Pride comes round once more, plans are being made, parties organized, outfits being bought (if you b*tches think I don't have two new and unseen outfits courtesy of the snotty retail location then you've done one too many body shots).

However Pride is also the anniversary of two other milestones.

1).My parents 30th anniversary, shocking that they were married on Gay pride AND after their wedding/reception unknowingly went to a gay bar in DC in 1976
(FOR THEIR ANNIVERSARY btw I organized a sit down brunch for 25-30 at a DC establishment complete with 4 course meal, wine selection, flowers and a wedding cake that I designed.... that's right... stand back in awe.)

2). My first venture to a gay club... and not just any gay club... THE gay club.


After I came out in the early spring of Junior year of HS (1999), I was a wide eyed 17 year old that couldn't wait to explore all the fabulousness that the gay world had to offer. So I enlisted a lady friend to join me in going to this club that I had heard about in the sketchiest part of DC.

I spent hours upon HOURS getting ready and picking out an ensemble. What did I decide to wear?? Oh that's right Black pleather pants and a black AX sleeveless t-shirt, boy am I Klassy. Upon retrospect I must've looked like the biggest re-re in life.

So after getting lost in SE, and having to ask not one, but two police officers the location of the club, and using my fake ID I bought in Gtown, we got out and went inside and my eyes got HUGE, men everywhere, dancing together, kissing.... something I'd only seen on the internet up until that point.

Now as I've said before, if you look doe eyed and bewildered the vultures will descend upon you like lions at a kill and I was no exception. Within 5 minutes of being there I had one very icky gentleman blow kisses at me and another try to grab me in my no no area. I being the demure and circumflecting soul that I am I do the only obvious choice.

I got up on the platform outside and started dancing.

After about 15 minutes of that I was feeling great, and then the most muscle bound man at the club who was shirtless (shocking) and wearing army fatigue pants (double shocking) got up on the platform with me. Methinks he had a touch of the yellow fever. Anyways so were dancing and he's telling me how he likes my eyes blah blah blah, and then he steps back. I think he's going to get off the platform......

I was wrong.

The man then drops to his knees, lifts up the heinous sleeveless T-shirt and starts doing things to my navel that I can only assume straight men and lesbians do to women in their no no spots. Not turned on AT ALL I just stopped dancing. So there I am in the middle of the outdoor patio, with a wannabe army guy making out with my belly button. Sweet.

He eventually stopped, and bought me a drink (I chose water because I was 17 and goody goody) he asked me to go back to his hotel room as he was just in town on business.... aren't they all ladies... I informed him that I was with my friend and she had no other way to get home and this probably would not be an amenable situation. What did the man say.......

"well she can watch if she wants"

OH NO MAAM, I at that moment turned into Ms. Julia Sugarbaker and my lips got tight, I stood up in all my regal glory, turned on my leatherbound heel and got my friend and left.

After all I am a lady...

Although he was really hot. I mean really really hot.

It's really ok... I was hooking up with the captain of the football team.

Remember the time.....

Remember the time that I was in the elevator after a long day at work where I had to deal with Satan and all of his minions as well as covering up the fact that I'm actively looking for a new job and I felt something in my nose so thinking that I am going to be alone I pick it and at that moment a REALLLLY HOT guy who's coming in from a baseball game (mit) puts his arm in the door and totally snipes me picking my nose?? yeah awesome.

Remember the time that on Saturday night after aiding the transportation of a drunken individual from a party to his house, I was at I was about 6 blocks from my condo and proceeded to walk in a completely not right direction because I was highly buzzed and it was dark, ending up on the opposite side of 16th st. and having to go to a 7-11 and call a cab to bring me home??? super sweet.

Remember the time that I was working at super snobby retail location and someone had brought in hershey kisses that were all over the staff office, and one was on the only chair and I sat on it and it was melty, and I didn't realize that until after the store closed and one of my co-workers pointed it out to me??? greeeeeaaaaat.

Fan................SNAP!

It's tuesday.... I'm bored.... and asian.... therefore..... I haiku.


Friday is too far
I need a vaca like whoah
Call in sick perhaps

Still haven't moved in
need to buy furniture soon
Ikea is god

No socks with sandals
Teva's are so '95
Please update footwear

My job can shove it
I will rain vengeance on all
or just work half a$$ed

Summer is so close
I hear Rehomo Calling
Squarecuts are heinous

Weekend Roundup, Sometimes spackle just aint enough

Sometimes when you go through the same sh*t over and over and over again, you get used to the old wounds re-opening and new ways to convince yourself that everything is going to get better soon, just because you can't imagine things getting that much worse. Sometimes you find ways to deal with it that makes people that care about you worry, and then sometimes you just stop talking about it alltogether because if you don't talk about it then it's not a problem and you don't want anyone to worry about you. Sometimes you know reliving the pain doesn't make it better, and that it tempers more parts of your life than you'd like to admit.

Sometimes you can't put the same spackle on the holes because the cracks are more and more evident to everyone else. Sometimes you need to own the cracks. Sometimes you can't do everything by yourself, and sometimes you need someone to sit you down and tell you that doing it by yourself isn't working.

Sometimes a greater strength is being able to admit your weaknesses and to be able to ask for help.

Friday Five.... woo to the hoo

Randomness.....

1). Last night was like the second coming outside. Good thing myself and two friends weren't moving a couch from the G-spot to their place and were using a pickup truck. Oh wait we were. The type of rain last night reminded me of Karate Kid II at the end when the hurricane came to Okinawa and everyone was running around in kimonos. Almost made me want to run frantically around the block in mine, instead I got chinese and fell asleep on my friends couch watching Top Chef. (PS I hate Tiffani, want to have a million of Harolds babies, and want to go party with Candice)

2). I need to hire whomever is the personal trainer for X-men 3. If they can turn this guy into
this body that's proof positive in my book. Plus it's almost swimsuit season and I don't plan on covering up.

3). Apparently the bouncer at Millie and Al's knows me and a couple of my friends so well that we are no longer required to show ID's and are ushered in like the D-listers we are. My dreams are coming true people. (Not that I'm familiar with bartenders/bouncers/barback/dj's at numerous bars across DC and some in Delaware (Rehomo)) oh wait, who's friend from summer camp's parents were the owners of the now defunct Renegade? yeah that'd be me......

4). My love for hoodies knows no bounds (I have over 10) not only are they comfortable and gloriously soft, they come complete with a pocket in front a la kangaroo fame that can hold items such as, bottles of wine, six packs of beer, 40's (that's right, more than one) as well as other items one may need while wearing said hoodie.

5). I'm pretty sure I have no soul. At the Sandanista safeway the other day I was standing in front of the entrance trying to activate the door thingy so that the door would swing open, it didn't. about 10 seconds later while I'm looking ridiculously confused a child of 12 walks by and in front of me and the door automatically swings open. If those things aren't soul detectors I'm not sure what was going on.

Mothers Day..... on the real... plus Update

So with the upcoming event of Mothers Day I would like to share some little personal anecdotes about mine. First and foremost all y'all should know about my mother.... be afraid.... be very afraid.... I'm afraid, my dad's afraid, and my sister is afraid... she keeps syringes in her bedside table and it was not uncommon in my house growing up to having entire cabinets dedicated solely to the drug samples she would bring home. I mean the woman cut herself with a scalpel on purpose to test a new type of stitches she had just purchased as well as has had her hands on the genitals of most of my friends growing up.....and people wonder why I'm so crazy. (Ps she's a doctor so don't get any ideas)

Now she may be a crazy crazy woman often times pushing me to the point that I just want to sit her down and say... mummykins... you know you've got a screw loose right.... but she's also crazy loyal and I have to keep repeating to myself "mummykins means well, mummykins means well"

Examples may or may not include....

I had an ulcer in college. That ulcer got infected. I didn't know it. One day I woke up and all my abdominal muscles had seized and I couldn't get up or burp or anything and I was in blinding pain. Had to call the ambulance to take me 3 blocks to the nearest hospital. I'm laying in the ER and I totally sneaked the cellie in and called mummykins in tears because I had been there for an hour and nothing had been happening. What did mummykins do? she went into super turbo gear and called the health center at the school to have my medical records release, unfortunately I hadn't signed the release so the health center said no. My mom proceeded to yell at this woman until she was crying and released my records..... 10 minutes later I had a massive muscle relaxant in me and I was sitting pretty...mmmmmmmmm.


My mom was asked by NPR to be interviewed on child health last year. Sweet deal right? suuuuuuure. So they start asking her about children's health and common childhood maladies. Like lice. What does my mom do? Proceeds to tell the ENTIRE NATION, how, one year on Mothers Day at the Russian Tea room when I was 8 I put my head on her shoulder because I didn't feel well and my entire head was crawling in lice. Sweet mom, cuz I don't have enough trouble finding dates.

When my parents for the first time met one of my bf's, we all went to one of their favorite restaurants in DC, wine was poured, I thought everything was going well even though I was gripping onto my then bf's hand like whoah. He got up to go to the bathroom and my mom leaned over and said..... you know (ex bf) isn't too bright is he?? Turns out she was right ha ha ha.

I love my mom but b*tch is crazy.


UPDATE: I'm officially a D-list celebrity as I've been paparazzi'd in DC Style magazine. Go pick up a copy and be jealous that you don't look like a retarded chimp in a second rate dc rag.

D- List.... it's destiny people.... destiny

Quick Cinco Recap: Played a game called how much booze can Dale put into his body before functionality reaches an all time low and Dale doesn't remember things... apparently the bar is set pretty high. 11:30am Lauriol plaza for half pitchers 3:00pm rooftop of Chips place for wine 5:00 pm went to the Dirty Vag for a block party where I may or may not have snarfed sex on the beach off an ice luge.... never again will I put my mouth on one of those 11:30 pm JR's where I played a game called the leaning tower of Dale.... I hate that game.. 2:00 am sitting on the floor of my condo eating chicken nuggets and fries alone.... obvy.

Now let me take a moment to say that I cannot thank Chip and these wonderful ladies enough for helping me move furniture from the G-spot to Jumanji/7th Heaven/The Aquarium/Atlantis West. Also thanks to this lady who showed up later. Without blogging (except for Chip) I may not have ever met these fantastic gentleman and then on Sat. I would have been effed like a beauty queen at a prison rodeo.

Ok, so last night I'm watching Ms. Kathy Griffin as I'm want to do because I'm totally a D-list celeb stalker, I'm watching and I'm watching, and all of a sudden my jaw hits the floor and my eyes get big like a kid in those velvet paintings..... she did a 20 minute bit involving a guy that I've been on several pseudo dates with before and apparently am still on the evite list for his annual parties, my D-list star is rising people. All I need to do now is have a photograph with the original cast of Beverly Hills 90210 and I'm set.

PS- this is the second time I've gotten sniped on TV involving someone I used to "date." One such gentleman that I "dated" is now apparently a correspondent for Logo, and one morning while eating cereal I was suprised by his face at 10am on a saturday.... now his face wasn't all that great at 8am on a friday and with the makeup he was wearing for tv.... not that much better.

Who needs Kathy??

Ok so I'm a sucker for D-list celebrities having run across a few in my time... however I'm also equipped with the social graces of a retarded orangutan on lsd so combine the two and you have a healthy combination.... healthy= embarassing.

A couple months ago I met Mr. Christian Campbell of Trick and Neve Campbell fame, and not only did I have a hands fluttering, ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod moment, I had a straight guy who was with me (whom I call thor thunder god for reasons that I won't get into right now but at one point last summer I was sitting on his lap after giving him a lap dance and broke the chair he was sitting on in the process... don't judge me) take a picture of the two of us with my camera phone and then sent said picture which was horrible quality and dark to all my friends. PS CC is totally cute.

Last night after a rousing victory on the kickball field which I can only say should be solely attributed to my cheerleading skills (my actual kickball skills consisted of me fouling out and calling the other team ugly) we were at ye olde watering hole in my neighborhood where apparently another D-list celebrity from the food network was going to be hanging out. Chip was superficially acquainted with this gentleman from when he was a wee lad and went up and was talking to him.... ps that guy totally wanted to have a zillion of Chips babies.... so obviously, not to miss a chance to meet a D-lister... pps my ranking of food network celebs goes Paula, Michael, Giada, and Naked Chef... I hate Rachel Ray with the burning fire of a thousand suns. I went up and was "talking" to him. Talking = staring at the fact that this guy was wicked hot and offering him ciggarettes... which he took.... which means he is in love with me, obviously.

Some people aspire to be great world leaders... I aspire to marry a d-list celebrity and have a table perpetually reserved at the Olive Garden... whatever, I'm being realistic.

Potty Talk

Ok... maybe I just got off the short bus or maybe I operate under some arcane rules of conduct or whatever but I always thought that there were infallible rules for bathroom protocol. Apparently I was mistaken. I would like to announce my campaign to put a sign in each and every bathroom that is facilitated by men, so in the case of cobalt, sadlands, and nation the girls room too.
Anyways, rules include:

1). If there are three bathroom stalls open, do not choose the middle one. Nobody wants to sit next to you while you drop the kids off at the pool. I need a buffer zone of at least one stall, kthx.

2). Do not make noises of relief or of frustruation, I don't need a running commentary on your experience de bano.

3). DO NOT try and converse with me at the urinal or in the stall, that is a time when I need to be all zen with myself... a time for quiet reflection if you will. Speaking while washing hands is perfectly acceptable but ONLY at the sink.

4). If you are klassy enough to hook up in a bathroom, do not choose the middle stall, again refer to number one but honestly.... go somewhere else.

5). If you have eaten mexican, indian, or any food that would make your experience in the bathroom extremely unpleasant for anyone else using it, please go to a bathroom on a floor where you don't know anyone, I have given more than one dirty look to a gentleman in the hallways when I knew he was responsible for making me want to vomit from walking into the bathroom.

6). Always wash your hands, I don't care if you were "just peeing" or whatever. Your hands were on your naughty area and need to be cleaned. deal with it.

I think these signs would help everyone.... or at least make my life a little more pleasant.

Clear like a diamond encrusted B*tch slap

I lack a certain personality trait.


I lack the ability to pretend to like someone when all I want to do is to destroy them and make them cry tears of pain and suffering. Be that someone a peer, a superior, in my social, or my professional life.... I lack the ability to put on a sh*t eating grin, smile and say, "oh of course (insert dumba$$ name here) that's a great idea!! I value and appreciate your opinion/input on (insert issue that I either disagree strongly with you on or couldn't care less about).

While I was living in London I had four roomates, in a two bedroom apartment. Needless to say things got cozy from time to time. Anyways three of these were girls, girls whose lives revolved around shopping, bars, and boys, on paper we should have been best friends but time and time again I realized that there are inherent differences between girls and boys that extend beyond different genitalia, and I had MUCH more in common with my rugby playing, no shower taking, laundry every other week doing roomate (we shared one of the bedrooms, I call him boo boo, sometimes we spooned, it was great)

Anyways one evening the straw finally broke the effing camels back. The three harpies were in the kitchen trash talking rando's in the same program we were doing, which I didn't really care about b.cuz a lot of what they were saying was right. However, then they got on this one girl for not knowing what Louis Vuitton was or something along those lines. Normally this isn't something I care too much about but this girl is honestly the nicest person in life, I once told her jokingly I could hear her blow dryer in the morning and I didn't have to set my alarm anymore...... she stopped using the blowdryer in the morning for 6 months. After telling them that even though Nice Girl didn't know about the joys of Louis V it wasn't like any of their broke selves could afford it so really what was the diff? They didn't like that.

They had to be destroyed.

So.... in true Dale fashion I do what I always do... psychological destruction, the effects are much more observable and longer lasting than physical harm.... hmmmm let's see, what do spoiled college girls have the biggest issues about..... grades? no..... clothes? maybe..... body image issues?? DING DING DING DING!!

That heralded the start of my, sitting in the living room always shirtless eating nutella straight out of the jar and chasing it with a Guiness exclaiming how fat I felt and I hope the Pilates for Ballet dancers class I was taking would be suitable to get rid of all the nastiness I was putting into my body. For those of you that have had the good fortune to see me you know that I make Kate Moss look like Sally Struthers, my nickname on the swim team in college was "the turtle" because everyone said I looked like a turtle sans shell.

*Did it work?* let me just say that after about two weeks of that the only thing left in their fridge was grapes and bottled water

we had a boys fridge that was always full of (insert boy food in the form of beer, random condiments, and leftover pasta+sauce+chicken, and brocolli)

If someone can help me suffer fools gladly I'm sure people would like me better.... but then again... I'm over it.

See what had happened was......

Still reeling from a week that would make Satan want to slit his wrists and being basically bent over and dominated by the corporate machine that is bureaucratic bs I was looking forward to re-centering and going all zen this weekend. Hey remember the time when that happened? yeah me either.

So Friday night after a lovely dinner at the best Chinese place in DC (City lights duh). I had thoughts of moseying on to a little bit of a drinky poo at JR's. Fast forward three hours later and I'm standing in front of the McDonalds on 18th St. with a tie in my hand that's not mine and a very confused look on my face. Not only am I klassy with a k but I was effing hungry.... supersize quarter pounder meal? yes sir.

Saturday I got up and made a very innocent "what are you guys doing for brunch?" call to two of my friends whom also live less than a five minute walk away. Turns out that one of their bf's was having friends in town for a weekend of meathead debauchery, I love meatheads so obviously I joined them forthwith and call in sick to SRL. Fast forward two hours later and I'm at Camelot having deep and meaningful conversations with all the strippers and becoming the new favorite of the waitress who was wearing very unfortunate lingerie and was old enough to be my mother.

The rest of the evening (6-8:30) was spent drinking with friends on my rooftop deck when I announced that I was tired and would be retiring and passed out in my bed (still the only furniture in my apt. cuz I'm lazy). I woke up from my 'hibernation' twice, once to respond to this lady that I couldn't meet him out for drinks, and once to amble on over to amsterdam falafel for some chickpea goodness....mmmm.

Sunday I actually did make it into SRL and did what I always do, try on clothes and stand around, pretending to actually be a productive person. Saw a black Am-Ex, pretended to not be impressed. Saw more ice than antarctica, pretended not to be impressed.
Went home, had dinner with this lady at Amsterdam falafel (ps I'm totally putting somebody's kid through college at that place) and called it an early night...... ahh weekends.