Beach weekend 2k5 Episode 1: is this life or is this a sitcom?

So.... please let me preface the telling of Beach Weekend 2k5 episode one with a little background info: Every year my parents and my godparents and our two families take a beach trip to Bethany/Dewey/Rehomo, we rent a ginormous house for a couple of weeks and everyone comes to chill out, drink, and bake in the sun. This year was no different, the house that was rented was tots crazy big and everyone got a bed to sleep on (there were 11 people all together).

Saturday Morning circa 6am: I wake up, shower, shave, get my swimsuit and shorts that I purchased at AussieBum on and wake up Chip who was sleeping on the couch and we stumble toward my land cow of a car and drive to the nearest starbucks before becoming a bit disoriented trying to find our way out of the city... In the process we see three women of the evening that had obviously been out working all night.... they were wearing thongs and then what appeared to be a fishnet dress...but that was it, you could totally see all of their breasts, nipples as big as your head, and their copious bah-dunk a dunk. Now when someone is wearing something totally slutty and heinous it will now be referred to as "OMG you look SOOOO 4th and K." The rest of the morning was uneventful, traffic=thumbs down, stopping at a random gas station to get a map and causing several townspeople to have small strokes as I tots sauntered in in booty shorts = thumbs up.

Rehomo Beach- let the games begin: Chip and I planned on going to the beach, peaceing the F out all day and then going to the beach house which was in Bethany a little ways down the road. So we roll up to Rehomo, stake out some prime real estate, and lay down our towels and suntan lotion it up. No one's around and we fall asleep within 15 minutes as getting up at 6 am and having been out drinking the night before (btw local 16 has yummmmy dinner) will tend to take a toll on a body. But then I woke up and was bored so I was re-reading memoirs of a geisha before I realized that me reading that might send the wroooong impression to the gay men around me and I hastily put it away. By that time there were def more people but there was still a bubble of space around our towels, which chip attributes to my oh so pleasant demeanor when I was looking around "I'm sorry but A)I'm not a big smiley person and B) in the sun, I tend to squint, and when I squint I don't look happy, whatever!"

Then I decided to go in the water, do all that and that's when I see one of my "going out friends" who we will call L, Now L is in his early thirties and he's been talking to me ever since the first time I saw him out so we do the air kiss, he introduces me to his friends (all of whom have the same look on their face, it's the face of a hyena when they've spotted a young fawn that's been separated from the heard, I could almost hear the growling begin) and I sat and spoke with them for 2.2 seconds before heading back over to my towel to begin Nap, Episode 1, round 2.
That didn't last long as both chip and I were woken up by a conversation between 3 older gentleman that were talking about their health issues and I kid you not the conversation went:

A: Those a*&holes totally f%$*ed up, they were supposed to check my prostate but he stuck the tube up my Weinie.... (yes he said weinie)
B: Not your weinie!
A: YES!! My WEINIE!!

Which somehow evolved into the conversation, between the same gentleman

A: After 14 years my partner and I decided to have an open relationship
B: Oh that's nice
C: Yeah I don't care where he sticks it as long as he uses protection

Now thankfully I hadn't had breakfast otherwise I would have pooped myself....no joke.

Highlight of the day.... talking to a very attractive gentleman in the ocean who was wearing a swimsuit that definitely became clear, not translucent, clear, in the water.

After that we went back to the house, showered, and got ready for dinner by having cocktails.... dinner consisted of 9 bottles of wine for about 8 people, and then we had more cocktails while all the younger people played a%&hole and sat outside. After that we WERE going to go to bed but I had the brilliant idea that Chip and I should go to a club where the party friends were and where also clear bathing suit was going to be so we got ourselves over there, and by that time I was too far gone to dance and talk at the same time.... needless to say my A game was not in effect. So after debating going home, Chip and I headed to Wawa where I quickly became sad drunk (NO GOOD) and shove a meatball sub in my face before passing the F out in bed.

Sunday was non-eventful, got kicked off the beach because of thunder so we went outlet shopping....my credit card companies LOOOOVE me, traffic on route 1 did not however. Had dinner and then made it back to DC in one piece.... now time to stop, regroup, and get ready for Beach time summer 2k5 episode 2...... Beach Party a GOGO