Friday, February 12, 2010

Winter Olympics - A Prospective

Now what could be more fitting after digging our royal selves out of the Snownami followed by Snowpacolypse followed by what I can only describe as the DC version of “the shining” where cabin fever made me go a little bit banana sandwich.  Now just some things about that

1). One day I watched literally 12 hours of television and all bad daytime tv…. 7am-9am (The Nanny) 9am-11am (Golden Girls) 11am – noon (Will and Grace) Noon-5 (Roseanne) 5-7 (golden girls)   I still can’t decide if I’m proud or ashamed of that…. I’m going to say I’m prashamed.

2). You know you’re gay when you’re willing to walk 2 miles in slush and snow just to go to the gym.

ANYWAYS – so on to the more important topic…. The impending Winter Olympics

First of all… blah blah blah skiing, blah blah blah curling, blah blah blah luge.  Good now that my recap of all the non important sports is out of the way we can focus on the true issue….. FIGURE SKATING!!!!!!

The gays they love the figure skating, there’s drama, there’s dancing…. There’s sequined jumpsuits with matching skate covers…. It’s a gay old dream!  And this year at the winter Olympics we shan’t be disappointed.   Let’s review the highlights of the US Olympic team shall we???

Johnny Weir -  Johnny “Queer” makes my little gay heart soar because let’s face it chickens, when you were a young queerling there is pretty much nothing more you wanted than to get up, meet with your trainer while you were wearing your dancing tights, then go for a quick drive with your agent on the way to film your music video while you read a people magazine, drink diet coke and view the world through Louis Vuitton shades ……. It amuses me that little Johnny still maintains his “privacy regarding his sexuality”,  Honey darling, you call yourself princess, list one of your idols as Christina Aguilera, and have your own clothing line in Korea, you’re not only gay, you’re REGINA GEORGE!!!

Evan Lysacek – hmmmm 6’2” dark Italian features and can move to a rhythm? Um yes please. Judging from his ill fitting “pirate sleeves” costumes and costumes resembling a tuxedo I’m going to go ahead and say that he does not carry the flame of sisterhood like our lady Ms. Johnny. That being said he’s in a world of sequins and hairspray so either he’s gonna have a “misunderstanding” one night after too many tequila shots a la Cutting Edge (TOE PICK) or he’s going to be the most oversexed straight man to hit ice skating since……that other straight one…you know…. The one in the 50’s?..... oh wait… that was skiing…nevermind.

Jeremy Abbott- you aren’t interesting and I don’t care about you.  However if you do either fall on your butt numerous times I will make sure to watch.

Mirai Nagasu – OOOH gurl, now, as someone who is a frail cherry blossom herself, I gotta back up my Japanese sister…. You’re looking at a queen whose grandparents kept a scrapbook of Kristi Yamaguchi’s newspaper articles.  She’s young, she’s Japanese, and she can bend in ways that would make Cirque Du Soleil proud.  She is picking up the torch that Michelle Kwan so horribly dropped… let’s face it, Asians do figure skating….. it’s ginsu on her feet bi*ches!!!!

Rachel Flatt – Well let’s face it, you’re not the asian darling of millions like my girl Mirai. And I swear if you tara Lipinski a medal away from her I swear I will rain the fury of a thousand bitchy queens upon you!!!!  That being said good luck honey, oh, and black is slimming…. Remember that…… I wonder if she ever got called Rachel Fatt….

Happy Friday everyone, let’s hope for an Olympics full of heart wrenching montages, nail biting jump combinations, and enough lycra to outfit an entire circuit party~!!!

Thursday, February 04, 2010

Thursday….. it’s time for a Haiku how can you resist!!!

Hello Chickens, hope you’re all having a fabulous week full of things like espresso colonics and weekend facelifts. Momma’s been uber busy with things like getting those pesky last two ribs removed and trying to find a way to take all my meals in pill form so I don’t mess up my lovely new veneers. However, as I was sitting in the doctors office while he was saying annoying things like “unnecessary surgery” and “risks to your health” I thought to myself, “What a lovely time to come up with some haikus that illustrate the goings on of our regal brain…. So here we are chickens…

Vida Group Power
Your name is not quite correct
Single fat chicks right

Snownami is great
Gays won’t know what to do now
Crew club will be packed

Butterstick is gone
China is In’jun giver
Let’s steal the great wall

Jim Graham is creepy
Stop staring at my rear end
Must find new food store

Impending snow storm
Must remember essentials
Gin, vodka, mixers

Don’t ask don’t’ tell bad
I love men in uniform
They take orders well

So there are just a few snippets on this Thursday chickens, stay dry, stay warm, and remember, crunches, they aren’t just for the summer time anymore, and if you think people don't notice... you're just wrong.