Friday, September 29, 2006

Friday Five

Randomness... because it's Friday and I'm wearing jeans and a hoodie and drinking cocoa in my glorious office.

1). Nelly Furtado's new song Maneater is officially my new "I'm feeling sassy in my underwear and will dance around my apartment with nobody around" song. I feel like I don't want to like it but dammit..... I just do. Promiscuous girl I didn't get behind for dancing, it was aiiiight.

2). I love me some Grey's Anatomy.... love love love love love LOVE!!! Me and Sandra Oh are attached at the hip... she's my sh*t. Plus, McDreamy is from Lewiston Maine.... and for those of you that don't know, Lewiston Maine is not known for it's attractive people, actors or otherwise..... trust me. I'm under the suspicion that all the people got together at the Shaws on East Ave. got together ALL their good-looking genetic material and gave it to Patrick D.'s mom. Plus if the guys looked like Patrick D. in Lewiston I would have A). never gotten any work done and B). never gotten out of bed. Again.... s'all I'm saying.

3). While at JR's last night, while waiting for some people, I'm always early, I'm half german and half japanese, it's genetic, I was witness to an overweight indian man getting his groove on at the bar to an 80's Madonna song. I might have shared a moment with one or more of the bartenders when I was confused to either think "rock on with your bad self lady, you get it!" or "sweet jesus, that man doesn't know how ridiculous he looks, I should tell him." I came to the decision that another G+T would make things alllll better..... I was right.

4). I had an entire conversation last week with my sister that consisted of pretty much all quotes from Anchorman..... for my birthday she may or may not have made me sweatpants with the lettering "People Know Me." Across the bum.... I may or may not wear them out. They're wicked sweet. And people do know me. (MILK WAS A BAD CHOICE)

5). I just realized that Rachel Ray now has her own talk show. Isn't there a passage in revelations that reads "The first sign of the apocalypse is thusly recognized: When she who bastardizes the english language with terms such as yummo, stoup, and EVOO shall be given multiple shows on a cable network and then allowed to have her own talk show, the cycle of destruction shall begin, the rivers will turn to blood and biker shorts will come back in style." All's I'm saying is I'm carrying around a rosary and some holy water aka gin with me at all times.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

It's not me..... it's you

Another installment from the Dale school of etiquette for the gay over-financed and under-fabulous...... how to break up with someone.

Now break-ups need only be termed as someone with whom you've been dating, not screwing, for more than a month. Any socialization that is based primarily on sex isn't dating, unless the sex happened after the second date and is always prefaced by a meal and cocktails. Anything else is termed just "socializing" and no formal goodbye is needed to end such liasions, just the inability to pick up phone calls/texts and the inability to recognize the other's presence in a public place.

Now onto the breakup.

First things first, don't be that guy, do it in person. Unless you are out of the country for an extended period of time do it in person. Karma's a b*tch and it will come round to bite you in the bum. Besides, doing it in person denotes a modicum of feeling toward the gentleman being let go from your organization even if said feeling has withered and died like Paula Abdul's singing career.

Secondly, don't do it over a meal. Doing it over a meal will force you to be with this person for an extended and usually awkward period of time, besides it will detrimentally affect your appetite. Oh and don't include large amounts of alcohol into the mix, then the chances of your spilling some tid bit become higher like....... "you know the way your [insert anatomy here] is really oddly shaped"....... I prefer a coffee shop or patio, cocktails are fine just don't overdo.

Thirdly, look them straight in the eye when you're laying down the law, you aren't embarassed, you shouldn't be ashamed, you're doing what you need to do. Besides if you're already looking them in the eye they can't pull the... "Just look me in the eye and say you don't care for me anymore" routine. That line always makes me laugh and that REALLY didn't go over well.

Fourthly, don't bring ANYONE elses name into the conversation, the situation, be it for whatever reason, has to do with you and the gentleman caller. If there is someone else involved (i.e. cheating) always refer to them using pronouns and never names.

Fifthly, don't use cliches, there are specific reasons why you are doing what you're doing, and unless they involve some freaky deaky-ness there's no reason to not share them, who knows, it might help [insert name of gentleman] later in the future.

Sixthly, don't involve in physical contact, that sends mixed messages and I've always found that a hands in the lap, legs under the chair approach was good.... the more formal the more the point will be driven home.

Seventhly, pay for yourself, whatever he offers you, don't accept it, you need to be unfettered by his advances and that won't happen if you let him pick up the last tab. Finish your cocktail/coffee, don't gulp it, thank him and wish him well and be on your way.

These tips might seem cold and hard, and maybe they are, the truth hurts, but a clean break beats messy and sticky any day of the week and twice on sunday.

*I would just like to offer a big EFF you to President Pervez Musharraf for ruining my enjoyable rooftop dinner with all those damn helicopters overhead in my neighborhood. It was a glorious night and I was enjoying a fabulous home cooked meal on a glorious fall night and all of a sudden I was in the middle of a bad Cops show. I can deal with being stuck behind Cheney near the Ritz in a motorcade but I mean come ON.....***

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Well I never!!!

Apparently I'm reaching even the trailer parks of West Virginia with this here blog. This morning I got the wonderful gift of this suprise as a comment which was posted this morning to something I'd written in June and, while it wasn't Chaucer it wasn't exactly a Tom of Finland comic either....


Now let's discuss shall we.

1). I have never nor will I ever EAT a d*ck.... whomever told you what homosexual men do in bed must have gotten their info from a baaaad source, as far as I know the majority of gay population enjoy their d*cks and enjoy whomever they choose to socialize with having them as well. Therefore it would be counterproductive for us to be eating each other's d*cks and thus decreasing the amount of d*cks to go around.

2). "TOO MUCH SPARE TIME", are you referring to my spare time for writing the blog or your spare time for reading it?? As far as I know nobody forced you to sit down and read what this F*ggot has to say.

3). I WAISTED two minutes of your time?? First of all I don't think I've "waisted" anything in my entire life, is that something you do to your possums before you fricasee them?

4). Even if I had wASted two minutes of your life, I'm pretty sure sitting down and practicing your hooked on phonics with something other than sounding out BUD-WEI-SER from your trucker cap before you started your shift at the truck yard will do you wonders later on in life when you have to sound out the words PA-TER-NI-TY after you have sex with your cousin.

5). I HATE YOU FOR THAT YOU DEAD SHIT. Big words cowboy, now let me say that nowhere in my body hates you for what you wrote, it doesn't reflect badly upon me nor does it make me even mad at you, honestly I feel bad for you that you spent the time and effort to focus on my peoples and hate on them. I don't have the time or energy to hate you, I have more important things to think about..... like happy hour or belly button lint. And death threats?? why don't you walk around in my neighborhood, Dupont, Logan, hell even Cap. Hill and say that stuff, I know a few muscle queens getting out of WSC, Results, Vida, etc. that would just ADORE to discuss with you the merits of your face meeting concrete/fist. Oh and lady I'm from DC, don't bring that mess up in my house.

6). Now as HRH Dale of Ad-Mo/Dupontia I refuse to stoop to such crude levels in order to express my disdain for such displays of communication. However I will say this having never met you.....

  • writing in all caps is so 7th grade
  • honestly find another hobby, I hear macrame is making a HUGE comeback
  • and finally, if all else fails, take a wine bottle, smash top of the neck so it's all nice and pointy, and sit on it.... cuz I'm not the kid you called a F*g in middle school and I'll cut a b*tch.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Tales from the weekend!

Perhaps I saw This Movie on Friday night with two of my peeps post cal-tor goodness.... now I have several things to say about this experience. Namely, Cal-Tor is a bad substitute for the crack-infused wonderment that is The Holy Land. Secondly if you do see the above-linked movie, please for the love of jesus don't go see it on a date, I left the movie pretty much soured on any and all relationships, that is until my a.d.d kicked in and I forgot about it.

I spent the majority of Saturday, after some errands in the morning, doing my favorite activity..... sitting in my ratty old sweatpants watching Sally Fields/Valerie Bertinelli/Judith Light get out of whatever eating disorder/bad relationship/battle with cancer they found themselves in. Oh and I also may have watched the Color Purple and identified with Ms. Oprah because, well, I'm a strong black woman. I also may have watched the Joy Luck Club, and identified with my Asian sisters, I may have eaten sushi while doing that..... don't judge me.

I might have gone out on Saturday night, I might have seen one of my friends ex's who dicked him over. I might have had the following conversation with him

Ex from hell (XFH): Hey [Dale], how are you (attempts to hug me)

Dale: (puts one arm out stop hugging process) I'm sorry, please don't hug me.

XFH: I'm sorry, let me buy you a drink.

Dale: Thanks, but I don't accept drinks from "expletive expletive expletive racial slur expletive" (and exit stage left)

I ate on Sunday at Le Pigalle, which used to be Peppers of mediocre food fame. I would just like to say that the names may have changed but the food sure as poo hasn't. I let the gentleman caller order my drink, he ordered me some sort of drink in a martini glass with chambord and other fruit juices in it. I don't do that. I like my drinks like I like my men, tall, strong and goes down smooth, not hating on the fruity fruit drinks.... well maybe I am a little.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Friday Five..... Why I heart my college straight bf's

As the fall comes and the air starts to get a bit cooler I'm reminded of taking the 12 hour trip up to New England to college in my beautiful beautiful Buick Lesabre (her name is Bertha).... and if you don't think it's a sweet ride then you are incorrect sir. I was happy to get away from the rents, looking forward to seeing all my friends whom I hadn't seen all summer, but the people I was most happy to see were my straight boyfriends.

I'm not what ignorant people would call "straight acting" and for all intents and purposes these guys should have never been friends with me. However at a freshman party one year they were all in the room and knowing not many people except people on the swim team I was quietly sipping my beer in a corner when one of them came over to me.... picture it, 6'5", 250 pounds of New England grade A football craziness comes over to me and yelled over the din.. "Hey, Are you gay?".... the entire room went silent, and instead of being scared and running away (which probably may have been the smarter decision given the environment) I stood up, looked him straight in the eye and said "Why? are you looking for a date because I'm flattered but you're honestly not hot enough." ALLL the other guys started laughing and I had ingratiated myself. ANYWAYS, for the next four years these guys were my best friends, so it was about 10 guys from the football team averaging about 6'4" and 200 pounds a piece.... and then me who, soaking wet, barely breaks 150. Here are 5 little gems that I treasure about my straight boyfriends.

1). Showing up at parties with these guys and having at least one of them say "if anybody messes with you we'll F*ck them up.... just tell us." mmmhmmm who traveled with security even in college??? that's right b*tches that's how I roll.

2). On more than one occassion this lady may have been a little inebriated and mayhaps wanted to fall asleep wherever I happened to be. Being the good straight boyfriends they were I may have been slung over one of these guys shoulders, they may or may not have tucked me in more than once. I always would repay them..... obvy with a case of natty bo.

3). Sometimes we'd go to other colleges and we may or may not have challenged some of these guys to drinking games, they'd get to pick someone on our team and we'd pick someone on their team to go shot for shot..... for whatever reason (6'3" and 150 pounds) I'd get picked and I'd go up against some guy with something to prove..... and inevitably the only thing he'd prove was that tequila looks very similar coming back up than what it looked like going down.

4). Two of my football buddies, I convinced to take hip hop dance class with me..... I may have also convinced them to participate in the performance at the end of the year. I may or may not have told everyone and their mother. They may have had to turn people away at the auditorium because there were so many people that it would have been a fire hazard. We may or may not have gotten a standing O. One of them may or may not have given a speech at graduation where me convincing him to take a dance class was featured prominently.

5). I definitely instituted the first ever drag show at my school to benefit the local gay youth organization. I definitely performed my first year in 4 inch stiletto black leather boots, a mini skirt and a bright pink wig. PS I make one UUUUGGGGLLLLLY woman. I made them all come as I, along with a nice lesbian friend did our rendition of Michael Jackson's "the way you make me feel." I definitely had a wonderful time and they were all there in attendance offering their drunken support. Afterwards needing to blow off some steam I mayhaps have had too much to drink and was relieving my stomach in the toilet with one of them holding my fake wig back.... and said.... wow, I never thought I'd be holding a drag queen's hair back while she puked... this is kinda weird. It probably would have been funnier if I wasn't booting all over.

So while I love my gay friends and wouldn't trade them in for the world, the crisp air makes me want to open a Natty Bo, put on my hoodie and sweats aka my drinking clothes, and sit down with my straight boys.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

From the desk of Dale

Dear 19 year old that I had the unfortunate experience of being introduced to last night,

You are obviously not 28 as you claimed. You are probably not even legal to be at the establishment at which you were introduced to me. You should have gathered by my demeanor that A). my polite hello was to be the extent of our interaction [bow, introduce, move on is standard protocol] B). If you think showing up with a man that had to be in his late 40's while I can still smell your mom's milk on your breath wasn't going to raise our regal eyebrow then you were wrong. C). I may have given you the benefit of the doubt had I not seen you at JR's literally bouncing/jumping up and down when [insert random dance remix of 80's pop song here] came on. D). When, after all that and the fact that you ordered the girliest drink in life, I decided to take you down a peg and asked you how you celebrated labor day and you said [insert late 40's man name here] took you to the beach and I said.... "oh, did you forget to leave your white belt under the boardwalk?? cuz you're wearing it and let me check my watch.... yup.... just as I thought.... it's after labor day." So sweet little child, please stop jumping/bouncing at JR's, don't buy your accessories at Claires, and for the love of cher please don't get your eyebrows done by someone who apparently doesn't like you very much. Also..... don't act like you can roll with the big dogs baby child cuz I will own you and make you cry.

Dear Man in Late 40's who is dating the 19 year old,

Please don't parade him around like a toy poodle and pretend like it's impressive.... it's not. At this point I'd equate your actions to the "come here small child, I've got a drink for you and it tastes delicious!" line of reasoning. I'm not above accepting tributes to our person in the form of adult beverages however, I'm also not a, wearing a white belt after labor day, using words like fierce in every other sentence combined with "that's hot," and having conversations that seem to center around how fierce christina's new single is or how hot his new outfit from contempo casual is. Honestly if you want to recapture your youth, recapture YOURS, not someone elses.... oh and I think it'd work faster if you just outright sucked the blood out of his body. just saying.

Dear Senator George Allen,

So apparently when y'all were sitting round your upper middle class christmas dinner growing up as a family in your nice little heterosexual norman rockwell world it would never occur to you that, in fact, your momma was raised a north african jew. Hmmm gay marriage aint looking so bad now huh Georgey, cuz it aint gonna be too long before some reporter goes back to Tunisia and finds some little black baby that you share your wonderful close-minded genetic legacy with. I can see your next campaign ad now..... Vote for George Allen, for, like great men before him, he too is a white man with black relatives!!

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Oh where oh where has dale gone......

Just in case you're about to sit down to eat before reading this post...... don't.

Sorry my little duckies.... momma's food poisoning... yes, food poisoning and not e.coli infection has knocked her on her ass with this charmer going from couch... to bed... to the bathroom... to the the bathroom... to the bathroom. PS when you throw up pure bile it really does look like you've swallowed a highlighter. However thankfully I've begun to be on the mend however I don't think I'll be needing to do any ab exercises for the rest of the decade. Also another tip from me to you, if you get pure bile on any fabric it will act like pure bleach so you might want to tie your hair back and not wear anything billowy, or nice.

I feel like I'm basically the poster child for the weird ass diseases and injuries...... here's a little tasteroo...

Picture it.... I'm 7, I get a fun condition called toxic synovitis.... can't walk for a week because my hips and knees are so inflamed from the viral infection in my joints that I look like one of those sally struthers kids..... (I may or may not have told the school nurse when I was 10 that I had this condition again and she may or may not have believed me and called my nanny to take me home)

Fast Forward...... I'm 16, I've been a platform diver for at least 5 years. I'm up doing my thing on the 10m platform, which while 32.81 feet in the air doesn't sound like THAT much, when you're up there it's pretty effing high. So I run... I jump.... I do my flippy doo, and I go into the water when all of a sudden my chest is KILLING me and I can't move my left arm, so starting to freak out I go to the side of the pool and my mom has to take me to the ER where they discover that I've...... yup.... popped a hole in my lung, which apparently happened because of the change in air pressure...... it healed by itself but it wasn't the sweetest time in life.

Fast forward again....... I'm 18, and a freshman in college.... I'm having chinese food with some friends and were also sharing this experience with a bottle of pinot noir. I get asked to open the bottle and being the genius I am put my chopsticks in my mouth lengthwise...... yank on the cork with the ghetto corkscrew.... the cork pops out hits the chopsticks which then pierce the lining of the back of my throat... all of a sudden my throat and mouth are really warm.... and then it hits me, because they're filling up with blood.... another trip to the ER and some bandagey stuff later and the doctor starts laughing at me for being such a re re.

Fast forward once more.... I'm 19 and taking an intensive course that lasts 6 weeks called Cellular and Molecular Biology or Cell Hell, 4 hours of lecture in the morning followed by 4 hours of lab in the afternoon with an exam every friday. Sweet, so obviously sleep and good nutrition were not paramount to me and I subsisted on a diet of coffee, ciggarettes, and nutra grain bars. In any event this lady then contracted an ulcer which got infected and I developed a nice little viral infection on top of that, I just thought I had a stomach ache and went on my merry way.... until the morning I couldn't get out of bed because all my stomach muscles had seized and I couldn't move.... so I called the ambulance which drove me 4 yes 4, blocks to the hospital... The cherry on this sundae? While convalescing I made the hospital staff drive me to class every day and to lab in the afternoon and wheeled me around in my wheelchair, IV dangling. Did I get a B+ in that class? you bet your a$$ I did.

I know this saga is far from over..... and I also know that while I'll survive all of this, someday I'll be old and gray and richer than elizabeth taylor and oprah combined, I'll choke on a cherry pit and die..... I just hope I'm wearing clean underwear.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Weekend Roundup

Blowoff = fun times. I will be going again.

I was consulted by new staff at a burgeoning gay bar in DC in order that he might look the part of a gay bartender as he's of the hetero variety, I may or may not have made him buy underwear with a lift support systemy thing. I crack myself up.

I will never ever go to sette on connecticut avenue ever again.... two words.... food poisoning.... as of this morning all my insides were on the outside, needless to say I'm in a less than stellar mood.

Thursday, September 14, 2006


Since I will be spa-ing it up for most of the day tomorrow only to take short breaks for pilates and walking the dog around the country estate, I will not be posting tomorrow my little duckies, so I will leave you with five delicious thoughts to send you into the weekend.

1). Whitney's not having it toooodaaaaaaayyyyyyyy. Apparently she and Bobby Brown are done-zo.... now Bobby, haven't we learned the lessons of other man-servant/husbands that if you want to remain on the gravy train you have to keep your head out of the crack-dens, also you and your fellow leeches of life should realize that just because you are attached to someone who, at one point had a talent that was marketable to the american people, that does not mean that YOU yourself have talent.... that's like saying, "Oh well I have an asian friend so that makes me a ninja". Because no... little ducky, it surely does not.

2). Adrian Fenty has been, for all intensive purposes, voted as the new mayor of the District of Columbia. I wonder if he will take my oh so sage advice for a district wide ban on jean shorts, visors, and sleeveless T's?? Or at least institute a tax loop for me being able to write off my bar tabs at gay bars as "multicultural outreach networking." c'mon Fenty..... PS how pissed off is he that his parents named him Adrian.... so unfortunate.

3). JR's on 17th just celebrated it's 20th Anniversary, which means that when it opened I was 4, who would have known on that day in 1986 that JR's was not even a glint in my lacoste/izod clad eyes, complete with requisite knee socks with the colored stripes at the top, rocking the keds and shorts with the white piping around the edges. PS who wanted to be liono so bad he carried the sword around with him at all times?? yup this guy. Now I just wanna be liono so I can wear a unitard and knee boots and yell HO at the top of my lungs.

4). As was evident in MW this week, some gays will go to the opening of an envelope if enough booze is offered. I however turned down my invitation for the opening of a new gym in DC, for several reasons, firstly events at gyms tend not to be the social event of the season lest we forget last years "fashion show" at resluts which I am sad to say I attended. Secondly who the hell goes to the opening of a gym? it's not exactly like the opening of a bar, club, or super social institution?? Thirdly, as we are currently operating from our country estate we have not the effort or energy to attend what I consider to be a tier 3 event.... Tier one being events held at super social clubs and bars, Tier two consisting of events at restaurants and cafe's, and Tier three being places I wouldn't ever go to unless I was promised enough booze to erase any bad time I would probably have.

5). Pumpkin Spice latte's have ushered in the fall.... is it just me or is anyone else having a wtf what happened to summer moment?? Oh well, I look cute in cable-knits and scarves.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

The Crazy Convention is apparently in town

When it rains it pours I guess.... Either that or I'm releasing some sort of pheremone that says... if you are sketchy, mentally unbalanced, or just plain weird then please not only approach me but please hit on me with awkward overtures.

Now this is why I don't do the internet dating thing. Sure, it works for many people, I know of several successful relationships that have been products of the internet. I however, am not one of those people. The last time I tried to do the internet dating thing, the gentleman in question thought that I was a hooker and asked me how much I'd charge for a night, so good track record I don't have.

Anyways so when I got a message on the Gay Registry, I was a bit wary. 27, grad student..... seemed pretty inocuous.

Now for those of you that aren't in the know, I'll pretty much talk to a doorknob if I think it'll listen so obviously in an effort to combat boredom I emailed this gentleman back, with very platonic, very non-suggestive language just asking him about his grad. degree, where he lived, etc. etc. and so forth.

.........................And then I got the email yesterday that convinced me that in fact, the baby jesus has sent me yet another sign that internet dating is not for this lady.

1). He started going on and on about how he was so excited to be going to his Bible Study yesterday. Now you know what, religion is a great thing, I prescribe to it, however Bible study creeps me out, I get the image of one of those David Koresh/Polygamist Mormon Camps in my head where the women all look like little house on the prairie and the children all look like they're the product of inbreeding (small hands.... like carnies). I'm convinced he speaks in tongues or some such nonsense.

2). Within the next two sentences he said one of his amateur talents is massage and that "perhaps being a hard working boy I'd like one sometime." Now if your skin didn't crawl at that you are cold and dead on the inside. Maybe he's trying to lure me to his den of iniquity to cast out the gay demons in my soul..... or maybe he's just sketchy and trying to touch me in my no no spot.

I then promptly replied with the..... thank you for your offer (politeness always) but the only people I accept massages from are within institutions that have the word S-P-A at the end of their names, while I'm sure that you have received compliments from other people in the past on your massage talents, I don't think I will be benefitting from said skills. Also, while I have been known to attend church (sometime in the last decade), Bible study is kinda creepy. Thank you for your interest and I'm sorry to say that our interaction will now be reduced to not at all.

P.S. I'm convinced that the baby jesus has been f*cking with me recently, in the past two weeks I've dealt with this winner, mr. man that thought I was a stripper, one ex who wanted to apologize for winning the a$$hole of the year award, another ex that left me a very lewd txt message, and a certain gentleman that's been trying to have sex with me since I was 17 leave me a VERY lewd txt and two voicemails...... I better be winning the lottery or something cuz this is just ridiculous.

P.P.S. - Bebar? Charging a cover for a bar in BFE? lol. Charging a VIP fee for access to a private room?? in DC? LOL. Plus if I wanted to pay for overpriced watered down drinks while standing around preening I'd go to Halo.... at least from there I can go across the street to Whole Foods and get a spicy tuna roll.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Oh hellllllz no

So ok, I may have been stopped on the Street walking home one evening before we decided to travel to our country home this past weekend and was stopped by a gentleman who was not wholly unattractive who said he'd seen me out before and was wondering if I was on my way to a place where he could buy me a beverage. I was in more of a "disney movie and pj's" type of place but didn't want to brush him off, I gave him my phone number..... I really shouldn't have done that.

Sunday morning rolled around and I check my phone and see that I have a missed call from an unknown 202 number so it being brunchy time and I being sated with leftover chinese food and a mimosa I return said phone call.

Mmmhmm it turns out he was getting off of work at 4 in the morning when he called and just wanted to drop me a line.... who the poo does that??? Strike one.

Turns out he is a bouncer at a straight club that is not located in the NW quadrant of our fair city. Turns out when probed for which straight club he wouldn't name the club when I asked which one. Turns out that would be a side job for his primary job as a construction worker.... sketchiness factor for being shady has been elevated and we have a strike two.

So I asked him where he'd seen me out before, I was thinking it'd be along the lines of a JR's or L'Auriol Plaza or even maybe a Fox & Hounds sighting...... turns out I was wrong and the following convo is evident.

Me: So where'd you see me out? (thinking JR's probably in my head)

Sketch Master Flex (SMF): Oh I think I saw you dancing a while ago.

Me: (Thinking to myself that I haven't been to Sadlands or Hobalt in months) Oh really? I don't think I've been dancing in a really long time.

SMF: Oh it was pretty recent, it was probably Wet or Fuego or something.

Me: Ummm those are strip clubs though, not much of a dancefloor, plus the last time I was at a Strip club was for 20 minutes in January.

SMF: No you were on the stage, you're a stripper right??

Me: (Heat rising, eyes bulging out as I hear this over the phone) I'm sorry, I don't think I heard you correctly..... you think I'm a what??

SMF: A stripper, I could have sworn I've seen you onstage at Wet at least

Me: I'm sorry, I have never, and will never be a stripper, not that there is anything wrong with shaking all the blessings you've received from the baby jesus however I will never be part of that professional group.

SMF: Oh. Well if you're free I'd still like to take you out for a drink sometime.

Me: I'm sorry, I don't believe that will be happening in the forseeable future, maybe you should go back to wet and try to find whomever you thought I was originally.

Strike Three

P.S. - I'm still on the fence about if being mistaken for a stripper is a compliment or an insult. I either look like I could be paid for taking my clothes off or a cracked out boat person like in "Fame"....... *sobbing* fame!.....I wanna live forever......

Friday, September 08, 2006

Don't F*CK with me fellas!!!!!

Sorry for the late posting.... hiatus etc. etc. and so forth

However I'm gonna share five things on this fine friday that are sure to piss me off.... just so we're clear.

1). Don't F*ck with my friends..... I may or may not have been known to threaten people's lives that were messing with my friends. As some of y'all may or may not know, I'm not the most subdued person when it comes to such things but I have absolutely no qualms about going up to just about anyone and letting them in on the secret that were they to f*ck with one of my friends I will make every movement painful for them for a very long time. Oh and if you date one of my friends and you cheat, mistreat, or are a general douche bag watch out..... mayhaps everyone will find out about that nasty rash you had last year or that you used to crap yourself in elementary school...or maybe I'll pick your pocket, steal your car keys and throw them away.....

2). Don't call me any of the following: exotic, hispanic, filipino, asiatic, oriental..... I will not only educate you on why those terms are not only offensive but also ignorant I will then make sure that at whatever establishment you are at, you will not be getting laid there for a very long time.

3). Making references to "straight acting" or "masculine acting." The reason I have a problem with both of those terms is that A). There's no such thing as straight acting, the only straight act that I can think of involves a penis, a vagina, and insertion. B). Straight acting just points to one's own insecurity with how they are perceived, and I dont' know about y'all but while I enjoy clothes, sparkly things, wearing tight jeans and the golden girls I can also build a fire, build a toilet out of wood and twine, know how to shoot a gun, and go toe to toe with any card carrying breeder-man at a bar. C). Butch in the streets nelly in the sheets..... all I'm saying, it's always the "straight-acting" guys that end up wanting some nelly ass queen to dominate them.
D). Barring any personal sexual proclivities that I may have, at what point did being a bottom automatically make one a big sissy?

4). Don't wear short-sleeve button downs..... for the love of jesus please let the madness end!!

5). Putting Sweaters on Dogs..... they already have fur, please don't be that guy.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Internal Tornado

This past weekend..... ridiculous. I may or may not have outed a total stranger at a house party.... I may or may not have ended my streak of going to JR's for 5 nights in a row, and my liver and wallet are thankful.... I may or may not have repeated a stride of pride/walk of shame from a similar location for the past two monday mornings in a row.

This week will be known as monastery week because aside from the gym and work I won't be leaving my condo WHICH I still need to finish decorating.... good thing I haven't been there for basically 6 months.... oh wait.

Post Monastery week we will be retiring to our country home where I will be tending to other matters that I'm far too waspy and reserved to address in this forum.... sorry darlings but trust me, it's boring anyways and as much fun as I have bitching, whining is entirely another matter and something that I abhor.

So if posting is intermittent we do apologize.... However I will leave you with a question that has been on our bejewelled head....

If you had to choose between going to Key West between christmas and new years to a glorious house and have a week of laying on the beach and fun or going to Capetown South Africa next year sometime for maybe 2 weeks which would you pick??? The only thing I'd have to pay for the entire time in both cases would be a plane ticket btw.

Friday, September 01, 2006

Friday Five Adios Summertime!!

Dear Summer, Thank you for imparting me with your warmth and loving glow these past couple of months... I'd like to say it wasn't time for you to leave but I will enjoy walking from my condo to other fabulous locales without my arms stretched out in order to quell the absorption of sweat into my couture. You did however teach me some very valuable lessons and I would be remiss if I didn't give credit where credit is due.

1). Working in retail as a supplementary source of something to do on the weekends is good for only one thing. Discounts. Don't do it for the money cuz it will be marginal, don't do it to make friends, it's going to be mostly pretentious douchebags that work there. Therefore if you decide to work in a retail location pick the one with the best discounts.... mine was 70%..... eat that up b*tches... 98 dollar polo was 29 bucks..... super sweet.

2). Since it's summer the chance that you'll be seen on the arm of someone whom you may not have wanted to be seen with because you had a little drinky poo is very high as more people are outside. I suggest bringing a friend along to act as a filter before stepping out into the dispensaries of alcohol. Although if your friend gets drunk too you're pretty much eff'd.... just try not to make out on the street, that's tacky.

3). Going tubing with a group of friends is the perfect way to while away a lazy sunday. The only things that make it better are putting booze into the mix and perhaps going au naturale....

4). Ray Ban Sunglasses will never be in style.... ever.... again. I don't care if they were the tits in 1992 with the requisite lime green croakie around your neck. Please throw them away or I'm going to stand behind you and softly hum the theme song to Miami Vice and perform the awkward robot dance.

5). As hard as I tried, and for as many edicts and fatwa's that I issue there was still a cornucopia of men that wore Jean shorts, Visors, and sandals that incorporated buckles and more straps than the Leather Rack. Summer please take these heinous articles of clothing with you so that my eyes aren't burned by their blatant lack of taste.

I am so ready for fall, bring on the cardigans and blazers!!!!