Friday, July 29, 2005

1-800 Dial a Date

In the current age of everything being at our finger tips, groceries delivered, online shopping (P.S. online shopping is key with my getting through the work day), online dating has swept DC gay men like WHOAH. I definitely know people that have had success in these methods of dating and are still dating these people that they met through I also for better or worse know some of my more 'social' gay friends who use such Klassy sites (that's right, Klassy with a K) as Manhunt or gaydar for the use of finding temporary gentleman friends so to speak.

I've tried the online dating thing on two occasions... the first being when I first came out of the closet at the ripe young age of 17, now my HS was abuzz with the gays... funny enough most of them were on the wrestling team...coincidence? I think not. But I wanted to find some more gay friends and meet some nice gentleman, being all proper and such and so forth. So I decided to put a profile up on Planetout. Planetout to me seemed like a perfectly appropriate place to meet gentleman so I was definitely excited when a 28 year old messaged me and asked me out on a date.... did I mention I was 17?

So anyways he took me out to a nice dinner we go to a movie, then were in the car, going to where I assume to be his place and he no joke turns to me and says..... how much? I was confused so I returned with "How much what?" yeah he definitely thought I was a hooker and offered me money to stay the night with him.... yup made him stop the car on connecticut avenue and got the F*&k out of there. I understand that this is not the norm for online dates but definitely soured my experience from thereon in.

The second attempt was this year, as I was discussing random stuff with my coworkers we decided to have a contest, we all would make profiles for each other (my two coworkers being a fantastic lesbian and a sassy sistah) and see how many winks/responses we got, and the winner got chipotle bought for them by the losers after a week. So we did that and each got to choose our own picture. Now my winning had absolutely nothing to do with my level of attractability or my winning smile...but the fact that the gays are on the internet like white on rice. Needless to say I went out on a couple dates with one guy who looked halfway decent, but due to my low attention span and no patience for BGD (big gay drama) that was over quicker than the jerry curl. So for me thumbs down on the internet dating...however it has supplied with an endless store of entertaining stories by my more adventurous friends who I've been regaled to on more than one instance at Gay church (Sunday Brunch).

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Working out and Working IT!

So the Gym, great place to relieve stress on the treadmill, great way to improve the way you look and feel about yourself in a bathing suit in pilates, great way to beef up a little bit with the weights... WONDERFUL way to pick up guys. Both Chip and The Boy got me thinking about the gym as a great way to meet men, not that I haven't utilized this resource before but I've never written down my thoughts about it into a coherent stream.

Being at the gym, you're sweaty, you're working out, you're stretching, it's a wonderful way to show off your best assets and in the process pick up a few numbers. Now my strategy has thus far been two pronged as I like to work my strengths at the gym. I am no muscle queen, I don't have enormous arms, an enormous chest, or a butt that looks like two pigs fighting beneath a thin lycra veneer I am aware of these issues, so my plan of attack has never been a stand around and preen in a kind of "look how jacked I am kind of way" nor has it been a "I'm lifting the weight of a small volvo" kind of way.

As Chip will unanimously support I'm sure, I have the "vulnerable I'm helpless and can't fend for myself thing down to an art form," which by the way is a daunting task given that I am over 6 feet tall... I'm pretty sure it's because I tend to look frail and bat my eyelashes. But I find a very effective way to talk to a gentleman you want to get to know better is to go up to them if they're on a machine that you could theoretically use and ask them if they know how to adjust the seat/arm things/ weight on the machine/ or any of the other doohickeys that are attached... this gives that gentleman a feeling of superiority when in actuality you can do mental cartwheels around the guy. I find this method to be an exteremely effective segue into the "hi my name is Dale what's yours?" routine....

Also part two of my two-pronged attack would be the stretching area. Now also as Chip will support, I was one of those kids that was in gymnastics 5 days a week from the ages of 2-10 and then got too tall so I switched to diving till I graduated from college.... now this is conducive to two things, knowing how to do an abworkout like you wouldn't believe, and being so flexible that gumby would cringe when he sees how you stretch, plus I had a little time in the circus...and NO I don't know any bearded ladies, well except for some drag queens but that's a different story.
Anyways combine some mind boggling stretching with a little flirtatious smile and bat eyes at male target and it's usually a recipe for success :).

So a great way to meet guys at the gym is A)Identify where you most look good and B) Work IT like there's no tomorrow.... you don't know what social personal trainer you might ;)!!!!!!!

Flirting or Being Friendly?

Something happened at the gym yesterday that got me thinking about a line in social behavior that I do not feel I walk gracefully:

I went to the gym after work, and the front desk was empty, so I took it upon myself to scan my card. As I headed to the locker room, a woman who works the front desk approached me and the following encounter ensued:

Woman: Where do you think you're going? (in a friendly tone, not a bitchy one)
I point to the work out area
Woman: Hold up, I need to check you in
Me: But I already did it
Woman: How would you know do that?
Me: Well, it isn't that complicated (point and click...)
We walk back to the front desk
Woman: What's your name?
Me: "Chip"
Woman: Wow, you did it right! I haven't seen you much this week, you're slacking off.
Me: I know, I've been busy this week

At this point, I walk off. I wanted to say, "Well now that you know my name, you have to tell me yours" and continue the conversation a bit more. However, I could not help but feel as though such actions would suggest flirtation. I've been accussed of flirting with girls before, so I am rather conscious as to how my behavior may be interpreted. Nevertheless, all I wanted to do was engage in a friendly conversation, is that really so awful? Am I overreacting or being dramatic? (rhetorical question; do not answer)

How does one know when the line between being friendly and flirting has been crossed? (sorry for using the passive tense) Granted, I doubt she knows I'm gay, but it is possible, so I could've been hesitant for nothing. Then again, it's really awkward when a girl presents interest and I have to inform her that I'm gay. I've never had any problems with this, but it's best avoided. This dilemma represents another grey area that is somewhat unique to homosexuality (the most classic example being who pays on dates b/w two members of the same sex). Often, these areas represent opportunities for creativity, since you're bucking the norm and writing your own rules, but some caution also must be displayed. I'm all about being friendly, but I am not trying to give anyone the wrong idea. Maybe if I walk around with a dick up my ass, things will be more clear?

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Maybe He's Just Not That Into You.......

Chip and I, being productive members of our specific companies, were obviously chatting at length on IM this morning about my current gentleman caller and how I've reached that point ( 5 or 6 dates *don't know if the first one was a date per se) that I "just am not into him very much." Now on paper my 'friend' look great, good looking, good jobs, nice hair, nice teeth, no noticeable scars, anomalies, previous police records etc (Courtesy of Zabasearch, Friendster, and Google Thank you very much). Unfortunately mine IS from Va. which is a big no no being from the Montgomery County Suburbs of DC, but I overlooked that issue. Now we were also debating on how to let my gentleman know that I no longer would require his attendance in my general vicinity and we came up with a couple ways that gay men know that "We're just not that into you"

1). Make excuses on hanging out and pushing dates back.... yeah it's been a good week and half since I've seen (lets call him Bob), and everytime we talk I make a very general "oh we should totally get together soon" speech. I figure if that doesn't work and he's still calling by friday I'll have to have the talk with him. This excuse allows him to save face and not look like an ass that got dumped...when in reality... oh well.

2) If you do go out with him, bring a couple people along, people who are single so it doesn't seem like you're on a double date, this nullifies the situation and allows him to think that you might like his personality but you won't be seeing him in the alltogether anymore. Also kind of allows him to save face unless he realizes what's going on in the middle and then can't confront you because you're in a group. If he DOES confront you watch out.... awkward city...

3). Saying... I only (fill in the blank but usually a sexual act and a tame one at that) after 6 months of dating, this will send most gay men running for the hills especially if it ends in the word "job" because if you aren't going to do those for half a year, you won't be doing anything else and he'll have to be playing a little five on one in the meantime, and knowing most gay men who have the attention spans of a fruit fly on crack.... you'll be rid of him in no time.

4). The post-date talk. Now fortunately I believe that my gentleman knows this dance so I don't believe this is going to be necessary. Unfortunately some of my friends aren't so lucky. You have to bolster yourself and not say any cliche's like "it's not you it's me" or "I just need some me time". If you need to have this step you must be frank, a simple "I don't think this is going to work out" is perfectly sufficient and allows you to make your point without lying or being rude.

I am not a supporter of those who let their 'friends' know that they will no longer be socializing with them by letting their 'friends' see them making out with some guy on the dancefloor at cobalt/badlands/Nation *although making out with ANYONE at Nation can be seen as a faux pas in and of itself* Either that or breaking up over Email/IM/even cell phone unless he gets clingy and you know he'll cry in public if you break it off, then phone is ok but only if you stay on the line while he's crying.

Thankfully Chip and I have decided that I'll be doing this now, as the beach season is in full effect, DC is a buzz with eligible single men.... and now it's abuzz with one more :)

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

I think I Just Threw Up a Lil' Bit in my Mouth

My co-worker's nipples are SO hard today, it's driving me crazy. She has serious wardrobe malfunctions all of the time. Let's review:

1) Basics: She used to have a good body (according to pictures), but she is now plumpy to say the least.

2) Symptoms: Nipples A GO GO, flab hanging over her jeans and seeing her thong well above her pant line. I am not trying to vomit at my desk, thank you!

3) Problem: Her parents have more money than they know what to do with so they shower her with expensive everythings. Unfortunately, expensive clothing doesn't make her look any less Shamu.

4) Solution: Cut my eyes out with a rusty fork, because I'm sick of feeling the need to curl up in the fetal position under my desk rolling back and forth while shaking and sobbing.

Swimsuit Critique 2k5

So... the summer being in full swing it's about high time that we discuss appropriate beach attire being as how July-August are the prime beach months with which to sun, see and be seen, and swim.... although usually the swimming is only done so that you get wet and then be seen... I mean c'mon

The Board Short: The board short is primarily worn by surfers and guys who think they're abercrombie and fitch models... key word being THINK... These shorts usually come past the knees, sit very low on the body thereby exposing much of the abdominals/lower back, you can even get in some butt cleave when they get wet. Now I'm not a fan of these personally, they create awkward tan lines and don't allow for the showing of the leg as much, however these seem to be very popular on the less adventurous

The Volley Short: The volley short comes to about mid-thigh and is usually made of a lighter material than the board short, commonly seen when one is watching the oh so delightful lifeguards run down the beach. This is probably the most worn swimwear by your average gay male at the beach because it'll cling to the right places when wet while providing coverage that will maintain modesty.

The Square-Cut Speedo: This is, in my opinion, the most abhorrent piece of swimwear known to man. The cut of this piece of swimwear does not flatter anyone's body no matter how much of a body you have. Since it wears like boxer briefs except usually skin tight it creates an awkward and usually tight tan lines on the upper thigh and seeing as how many men pull them up so that the bottom of the suit comes as high as possible, they end up looking awkward as the top of the swimsuit cuts off their upper body, and covers up much of the lower abs.... and I don't know about you guys but seeing the V-shaped love muscles sets my heart a flutter.

The Speedo: Now the speedo has been worn by athletes (Michael Phelps YUM), Europeans (usually not quite so yum but whatever), and Gay men the world over. This is perhaps my favorite piece of swimwear, having grown up in an area where as soon as you were old enough to stand up you were on a swim team I grew up in a speedo so I don't have the modesty issues normally associated with speedo-phobia, plus I don't really have any modesty issues as I've been known to dance on my share of platforms/poles/men while inebriated. The speedo, when worn for a while creates a great tan line while showing off all the important parts of the male anatomy.... the butt, the abs, the legs, not to mention other areas. Although it must be noted that if you have any type of personal issues with the way you look naked , you should not wear this piece of swimwear as any fat/imperfections will be noticeable..... a la fat frenchman who look like someone has wrapped a rubber band around the bottom of a pear when they wear speedos. I'm pretty sure I look like I've escaped from a war torn country and starved for several months in a speedo..... but I've made peace with that.

Thongs: Ew, please do NOT wear a thong... yes we know you have an ass, I do not need to be directly face to face with it. Thongs offer little to no support in the region on the front which leads to you looking like your all types of sagging and combine that with any type of motion makes one want to toss one's cookies.... so please please for the love of gucci don't wear a thong.

With that critique in mind, go, sun, swim, surf, have fun at the beach, and may you always be seen in flattering lighting.

Mel Gibson.......from

Mel Gibson, muscley action hero with a penchant for good acting a la braveheart, a la man without a face, a la Mad Max two (even though we ALL know that Tina Turner made that movie what it was "thunderdome...two men enter, one man leaves"). It appears that in his ripe old age of 49, Mr. Gibson has suffered himself a small creative stroke.

Tip Off #1: The Passion of the Christ, an entire movie shot in a dead language about the bloody crucifixion of the son of god. Now with the entire political (religious right trying to force jesus all up in my piece), international ( Wars raging in the middle east, setting for the Passion), and spiritual (Priests being accused left, right, center, and sideways of abuse, not to mention el fuhrer pope) one would think that would give this man pause to reflect and say....hmmmm maybe this is in bad taste currently.

Tip Off#2: Mr. Gibson has released in a press statement that he is in the process of making another movie in a language that is no longer in use anymore..... mayan, in a film called 'Apocolypto', now I'm sorry but WTF!?!? Shot entirely in the jungles of South America with a cast comprised entirely of unknown actors of mayan descent. Why oh why mel would you commit Professional suicide in such a manner? I can understand there being a market for religious fanatics to see "The Passion" but a film in Mayan??? yikes

Whatever happened to the good old days when actors, after milking the most out of their prime sex appeal years just got eccentric and drunk?? I think this borders on CUHRAZZY

Monday, July 25, 2005

Too Gay to Function

Gayest moment of the weekend:

Going with Dale to accessorize... our GYM BAGS!

If that doesn't scream "Bend me over and stick something big and hard up my ass," I don't know what does! Oh wait, wearing a man purse while riding a Vespa.

How many adolescents does it take to start a fire on the mall??

Unbeknownst to me (I was informed late sunday) that this weekend was some sort of national convention for the Boy Scouts, and boy did they descend upon DC... I don't think I've yelled "STAND TO THE RIGHT PLEASE" while utilizing the metro system more times in a 48 hour period. Now the Boy Scouts, as most of the general public know, consists of predominately white boys between the ages of 10-17. Now for an organization that unilaterally doesn't approve of homosexuality I've noticed some very interesting parallels.......

1) Lets start out superficially...... the shorts? the little red scarf? Now if some Queen back in the day didn't say to himself (now those short little khaki shorts are cute, but what could I do to jazz it up a little.... I KNOW A NECKSCARF!!!!)

2) No girls allowed to participate in any of their campouts, trips, or secret meetings..... now I may just be crazy here but that sounds like most of my gay friends social lives.... barring of course the need for the straight girl/ flame dame/ firely fly/ the crude term *hag*

3) They know how to MacGyver the crap out of some wood, twine and a shovel.... all of a sudden you have a working transistor radio (or something else equally as outdoorsy and weird)..... Now I know at some desperate point in every young gay mans life one of his friends have shown him how to mask bottom shelf vodka into a suitable beverage before going out... and if that aint magic then purple isn't the new pink!

4) Part of the Scout oath is "To keep myself physically strong," and YOU KNOW that some queen was like "hmmm knowing how to make a fire with a rock and some leaves is all well and good but lets throw in a six pack abs for good measure.....

5) Part of the Scout law is to be " thrifty, brave, clean and cheerful" now if there are four words to describe what the gay male population is supposed to be thought of I don't know what is.... and thrifty obviously does not apply to good alcohol, shoes, home furnishings, or food.... because there are just some things that should not have a price put on it.

Therefore.... in conclusion.... the Boy Scouts, galvanizing America's youth against the low morals of the Homosexual, have in fact tried SO hard that they're goals consist of producing an adult male population that goes to the gym, is clean, knows the value of a sale , and very good at an arts and crafts fair........hmmm this is sounding more and more like my previous dates than I like

P.S.- boyscouts may be boyscouts but while in DC they are still tourists and therefore the most heinous creatures........

Friday, July 22, 2005

The Line Between Whore....Slut.....and just plain Social

In the wake of reading the "washingtonienne" by a Ms. Jessica Cutler, I got to discussing the fine lines between whore, slut, and just plain social with a couple friends and here are the thoughts that I have concluded upon.

Whore: Someone who does it for what it will get them in the future.... this would be the majority of where the "washingtonienne" comes into play, the whore will do it for money, for cars, for jewelery... whores are generally looked down on.... and I think the epitome of whoredom definitely is exemplified with the picture of Ms. Cutler on the steps of the capitol building flashing her hoo-ha and her boobs for all of DC to see.... and the readers of Playboy/Penthouse or whatever skin mag it was in. Now this is different from accepting "donations" as I like to call them.... donations are not monetary gifts, they aren't rent, and you can't usually put them in your wallet/manbag/purse. These are the dinners/theatre tickets/weekends at the beach/trips to europe *ps if anyone wants to take me back to europe I'm game* These donations are totally acceptable and just a symbol of your gentlemans affection for you...... jewelery is also acceptable as long as it's not gold *tacky* and as long as it's nothing that starts with R and ends with ING.

Slut: A slut is someone who should basically be studied scientifically for all the sex that they have/ want. Sluts can do it in the morning, in the evening, even at supper time and can and will with pretty much any available person... Now unfortunately this is where much of the gay male population comes into play.... now take a man in his twenties, hormones going bonkers, body sculpted by Results/Ballys/WSC, and square that..... I'm suprised that gay men can hold down jobs (and no honey not those kind of jobs, although the good lord knows they can be hard work!)

Just Plain Social: Being just plain social is where the majority of the gay community resides.... Being just plain social allows you to have one too many G+T's and lip lock on the dancefloor at Cobalt.... or find yourself at the end of the night with 3 numbers and not really know how you got them or why your pants are partially unbuttoned.... being social allows you to be at Gay Church aka brunch on Sunday and have your friend say who's that guy you were making out with and feeling up on last night and reply with... I think his name is Joe....No Ryan.... Oh well I know he's from Dallas.....

I think to put any of us in one category is a hard task to accomplish, unless you've got a libido that would make Jenna Jameson blush, too intent on keeping that rent check from Mister man coming in or haven't had a crazy weekend that makes you step back and say yikes.... I did that???? Cuz I know I've had my moments.... and so has Chip *cough PRIDE cough* :)

Thursday, July 21, 2005

Stalking / Research...... finding out about everyone in the modern age!

Ok so lets say I went to a bar.... and lets say a gentleman starts up a random conversation with you and buys you a drink or four.... and you give him your phone number and he gives you his business card. Now what do you do with this information?? Of course, you either drunkenly that night.... or very hungover the night before (depending on whether or not you "accidentally" went home with said gentleman) online stalk him!!! This was brought to my attention by The Party Girl who made the very good point that Friendster was an excellent source of info...... Oh but that's just the tip of the iceberg........

1) Avenues like Friendster, MySpace, Connexion, The Facebook, all good places to go to see what a potential person likes....dislikes..... etc. etc. It also lets you know what type of people THEY hang out with, on more than one occasion I've had to write off a guy for having a HEINOUS HEINOUS coterie of friends *read* friends consisted of bitchy queens who have more collagen in their face than I do in my entire body and eyebrows that are thinner than kate moss on a diet! Or I've had to write them off for any of the reasons in my previous post on the thoughts of the politics of friendster

2) now here's a gem of a stalking search engine if ever I was directed to one. Yes yes, when I was involved with the more mature gentleman I was discussing said gentleman with my co-workers when one suggested I zabasearch him.... it gives addresses of properties lived at as well as phone numbers and apparently works better than the yellowpages. I tried it and SUCCESS... stalking 101 exam one had been passed!

3) In addendum to Zabasearch there is also a search engine on the washingtonpost real estate section, if the person in question that you are doing "research" on owns their own home, you can put in the address that you have garnered on zabasearch and the price that they paid for their property and/or the prices that people in the area are paying for property will come up. This doesn't stop at homes in the DC area....... the older gentleman definitely paid a pretty penny for the beach block house in Dewey.

4) Last but certainly not least is the wonderful standby of Now where would we be if we couldn't type in a person's name, email, IM, what have you, into google to view the plethora of information that erupts like a zit on the face of a teenager.

Many a relationship has been started at a bar *read* (too drunk to productively flirt and had to excuse ones self and stumble home all the while stuffing Jumbo Slice or Falafel in my mouth) but has ended when it turns out that when they said they work in the FBI, they failed to mention it was in the mail room, they said they graduated from an IVY league school....note *just because your school is in the same STATE as an ivy league school does not make it ivy*...... or mentioned that they own a great place in Logan East that you just HAVE to come see..... yeah I'm gonna go ahead and say that Q and 3rd St. NW doesn't constitute logan east.

...... Maybe I'm a little obsessive.....OR maybe I like finding out a little bit about a fellow so I don't show up to a date unprepared.....

......Maybe I'm abusing the information super highway...... OR maybe I don't remember what you look like from the night before due to one too many 2 for 1 specials at Halo and need a refresher a la friendster before I meet you..........

So thumbs up internet... you've saved this gay boy embarassment from the awkward... ummm and I know you from.......... situation on more than one occasion

Abooooooot marriage

Congratulations are in order to our neighbors to the north! Canada has passed legislation legalizing gay marriages, making it the fourth country to do so, behind the Netherlands, Belgium and Spain.

I am far too tired and hung over to provide any insight or analysis of this development. I will note, however, that I am interested to see how voters respond in the upcoming parliamentary elections. The strength of the religious right is certainly being tested; hopefully, the law will not be overturned.

In other news, I FINALLY saw someone reading the new Harry Potter on the metro this morning. I'm certainly surprised it's taken this long. Two years ago, I remember it being EVERYWHERE. Happy reading to those who've been waiting for it! (Dale)

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

Thoughts..... on the politics....... of Friendster

So Friendster is very important to the current existence of the gay community, at least in DC. If you are gay, you are on friendster, it doesn't matter if you're ugly, fat, or otherwise gay socially unacceptable, you have a profile and have put your favorite books/movies/foods for all the world to see. There are however established rules that should be followed when creating/maintaining your friendster profile......

1) If you haven't been told by several different sober people that don't owe you money that you should be sans shirt all the time..... don't put a shirtless picture of yourself on your profile

2) Odds are you aren't a model, you've never asked to be a model, and if you have ever been asked to participate in a "shoot" it was probably the sketchy older gentleman that wanted you to pose for a "private shoot", so take that sour look off your face like you're Giselle Bundchen..... chances are you aren't. (and posing for MW doesn't count, I've been there and done that and the only thing that MW makes you is having everyone know your first name for a week)

3) You are not looking for "activity partners" that's tacky.....

4) Friendster is like third grade, the more friends you have, the better you are.... HOWEVER, if you have friends like "veuve cliquot" or "Louis Vuitton" or any of the "Paris Hilton" wannabees those don't count, those make you look sad..... v. v. sad. Oh and the more friends from the Phillipines/ every south asian country that apparently does nothing all day but request friends on friendster all day don't count either.

5) If you say "government" as your occupation, I'm pretty sure you don't have code word clearance.... there's no need to be super shady, you can be ok in your "office bitch"-ness like the rest of us.

6) If you put your profile as available only to closely connected members.... yeah you aren't that cool.....hate to be the one to tell you but yeah.... you just aren't...

And if you follow these simple rules then you, yes you, can be in the national gay registry..... I mean Friendster....

The Politics... of Friendster

It has come to my attention that a co-worker of mine, who happens to sit right next to me, has deleted me on friendster. We'll call said co-worker "Tom." Tom's straight, grew up in the area, and we have a casual relationship. Shoot the shit from time-to-time at work, pass along humorous emails, chat at the occassional happy hour, but that's about it. One of the guys who held my position prior to my arrival was close with Tom. My predecessor left over a year ago, however, and I had absolutely nothing to do with his departure. Tom remains friendsters with all of the other co-workers left in our work area, so I feel as though it must be an accident.

Call me OCD, but how do you accidentally delete someone on friendster? He has maybe 4 friends, I feel like this is not something easily done. Don't get me wrong, by no means am I distraught over this revelation, but it just strikes me as weird. The only time I've deleted people on friendster were:

1) Purging the ex and all of his friends
2) Someone I only met once who felt he was being "used" on friendster (don't flatter yourself, you're not that cool, and friendster isn't that important!)

Then again, I'm writing an entire post about friendster, so maybe it's more important than I'd like to admit...

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Watch out for the juice.......

The cherry has been popped...