Friday, December 30, 2005

Can't keep a good B*tch away!

I.... Dale.... am coming in live from Key West as your tan correspondent... just so all youze ladies don't forget me :).

Key things I've learned so far (pun intended har har har)

1). Pasty eastern europeans should not wear tangerine speedos, no matter how muscle-y they are or how many gifts they bring to the table.

2). The second octane 109 slushy at fat tuesdays is never a good idea

3). The beaches at key west are less manicured than rehomo, thankfully they all had chaise lounge rentals.

4). I am now what I consider to be latte dale. at the end of my sojourn in the southern most point in the continental US I will be sumatran deep blend dale. If you don't recognize me on the street it's because I look like a Hawaiian tourguide.

Happy New Years!!!!!! again....

Thursday, December 29, 2005


Dale is off to Key West for the next week, so this blog is going to take on a slightly different tone in his absence. A friend of mine is seeing the Roots tonight at 9:30 and our discussion reminded me of a story...

Please remember that I grew up outside of Philly and went to school in St. Louis. The Roots are from Philly, and it remains their most stalwart fan base. Things Fall Apart was released during my junior year of HS, and it is still one of my favorite hip-hop albums.

Anyway, a few weeks into my freshman year, my school announced that the Roots would be performing at our biggest party of the semester. I hyped them up to anyone and everyone who would listen. Most people had never heard of them, but me and a friend of mine from HS knew what a great show it would be.

The day of the concert is a huge party. My school had a liberal drinking policy, even drinking in all-freshman dorms is perfectly allowed. My friend A and I arrived early to get nice and close to the stage in anticipation of the Roots. Fortunately, we were front row, dead center.

You have to realize that I have a small bladder, and after drinking quite a bit, it was only a matter of time before I was going to have to answer nature's call. By the time I realized that this was the case, a crowd had formed and there was no way I was going to give up my prized real estate...

Finally, the Roots came on stage, and A and I immediately started screaming "2-1-5!" the Philadelphia area code, so that everyone would know that we were bigger and cooler fans than anyone else. We got a slight nod from Black Thought, the main lyricist. It was one of the greatest performances I've seen.

However, I was becoming increasingly uncomfortable and despearate to find a way to relieve myself. Once the Roots came on stage, there was barely room to move, let alone leave and come back. The stage was elevated, and there was a gap between the crowd and the stage. On a ledge in front of us, there were some Coke cans. I decided they were my only hope. Security was walking around, but I discreetly emptied the cans and told A what I was doing. I instructed him to shield me, and I turned towards his back as best I could. I didn't want to turn completely around for obvious reasons. I thought I was safe. I managed to avoid the wandering eyes of the security guards, but I looked up and as the Roots were between songs, I see Black Thought, mic in hand, pointing at me saying, "Yo, that cat is takin' a piss!"

I nearly shat myself. I stopped, mid stream and zipped up my pants. Everyone immediately around me turned to look. No one saw anything bad, but my guilt was blatantly obvious. There was no room to turn or leave anywhere, so I just had to stand there, avoiding the eyes of my new peers, Security and the band by staring at the floor.

Once the next song started, I was able to relax; I was no longer the center of attention. Even with the public shaming, it was still one of the best concerts I've ever seen...

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Should auld acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind......

So this will be my last post in the year of our lord 2k5, and this year has been very interesting to say the least. highlights include:

New Years eve of terror.... I don't REALLY want to get into it in detail but let me just give a small snippet of a recap... got drunk, stayed at ex's, ex got up in the middle of the night to have sex with some rando in the next room, then came back and got into bed with me..... remember when I had self esteem? riiiiiiiiight, eff that. (P.S. this new years has GOT to be better than that one, hell rolling around naked in broken glass would be better than last new years)

Meeting Senor Chip through mutual friends and quickly becoming my sister soldier, through many drunken excursions up and down Connecticut ave as well as the Delaware Coast, and I can still unequivocally say even though This Store disagrees with me, that square cut bathing suits are heinous and should only be used as a social punishment for gay men that break one of the "Gay Laws" (More on the Gay Laws in 2k6) Any collaboration on this Ladies is most welcome.

Kickball.... effing sweet... even though I suck.... however I did learn that at full speed I can knock over 7 grown people at once, (especially after a nalgene full of Vodka Cran)

Meeting/Reconnecting with all of these fabulous people, you guys have kept my sobriety down and my fun factor high, I'm definitely looking forward to scandalizing 2k6 with all of you!! (except for the love of Cher please Please PLEASE never let me do karaoke again.... there's a reason karaoke means tone deaf in Japanese)

Boys: Meh, I've had my share of Fun and/or Frightening this year, hopefully next valentines day I won't have to buy myself roses and chocolate and watch thelma and louise by myself drinking a bottle of champagne and eating the chocolates with the roses in my lap... that's not sad.... it's EMPOWERING dammit....right....empowering....thats it.

So 2k5 I will bid you adieu, you surely have kicked me around a lot this year but I'm still standing and ready for what 2k6 has to offer... and 2k6 I'm just warning you, you better get ready because I'm going to TONY DANZA you like you've never felt before!!!!

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Post X-mas Shenanigans

So some random thoughts about yesterday

1). I'm sorry but why is it that EVERY single store I went to in georgetown I saw an awkward acquaintance.... (this would be people I went to college with and didn't like but they didn't know that, or ex roomates of friends that are pretty big douches, or random guy that I gave my pretend phone number to) in EVERY store that I went to in my quest for returning ill-fitting christmas presents and finding a suitable new years outfit.

2). Found part of my new years outfit.... the underwear and Shirt part at least. I have this thing where I wear all new clothes on New Years... underwear, shoes, everything. After questing through georgetown and dealing with the eurotrash that inevitably makes weekend shopping in Georgetown miserable I headed back to the gayborhood where I went to the Queer (The mo's should get the reference, the Ro's..... meh).

3). Best and Worst idea ever..... go to Juniors by myself while waiting for This Guy to finish up some application loving. So ok the gentleman that came up to me include
  • 60 year old Pakistani ex cab driver who's way to get my attention was to throw popcorn at me..... ew. Then asked me if I knew of anyone that would rent an apartment to him, and then announced to me that he was drunk and how cute he thought I was. Nothankyou.
  • Man who was BELIGERENTLY drunk and couldn't get a whole sentence out stumbled over to me (I was sitting on a barstool watching Ms. Kelly sing it) and leaned against me with his "area" on my knee... thankfully his friends pulled him away but not before he licked my ear and propositioned me for things that a lady should NEVER be propositioned for.... EWWWWWWWWWW
  • This guy made my night however.... he came over to me and said "I'm not really much of a conversationalist but I'd really like to buy you a drink." and bought me a drink, and then walked away.... v. nice. I actually wrote my number down to give to him as I was leaving but he had already left.... shame. He was cute too.

4). Chip and I went here for dinner as my favorite aunt saw fit to give me a huge gift certificate. mmmmmmmmm beans, good thing I slept alone last night.

5). After returning to the G-spot, who watched both part 1 and 2 of Diana, her true story? Oh that's right that'd be me, am I ashamed? not in the slightest.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

If you just believe

So Christmas for me has taken on a new meaning recently, I don't get the butterflies anymore on christmas morning... I usually know what I'll be getting, I enjoy spending time with my family but as it gets smaller and smaller I find myself turning more and more to my friends that honestly are in my head, part of my family, especially at christmas.

So ok the shmaltzy part is out of the way onto the holiday recap!!!

Friday I went to the mall for some last minute shopping for random uncles whom I and my sister hereforafter referred to as "the Princess" (if you met her you'd understand)
SIDEBAR: she is a princess because she demands attention. Yours truly is a Queen because I don't need to demand, it's a given.
In any event after that I made the christmas dinner which was lasagna this year... we don't do tradition.... everyone in my mothers family came over and CRAZY CHRISTMAS was underway. Things I remember about said dinner include:

1). My white trash cousin giving me a Barbara Streisand CD and me not knowing what to do... I hate Barbara Streisand, I was like...ummmm thanks C? how's that whole manual labor thing doing?? the boy gets points for effort.

2). My Uncle (Mom's twin brother) response to my gift of a brookstone gift certificate.. " oh now me and your aunt can get that fancy vibrator we always wanted." sweet, not awkward at all.

3). My cousins who are 6 and 9 call me "awesome (Dale)" makes me happy in my heart area.

Saturday.... Christmas eve. I actually went into work because I'm taking an unexpected vacation to here and won't be at work from this thursday to the following wednesday.... I've got SUCH a hard life. Any suggestions on stuff to do?? that is besides lounge besides the heated pool at the private villa my family rented......

That evening I was uber cute in some preppy J.Crew wear and went with the fam to a neighbors house for the annual Christmas eve party. Highlights include:

1). The princess getting HOUSED and falling several times in the driveway and taking me down with her as I was enjoying a nicotine treat..... I now have bruises covering most of my shoulders, back and butt...yeah I'm going to look HOT in a speedo come thursday... bah well, maybe I'll get a sympathy date for new years.

2). One of my parents friends wanting to ask me about treatment options for AIDS as his son from a previous marriage now has HIV... talk about awkward... it's christmas.. I mean really... give me a BREAK.

3). Getting asked out by my neighbors son who I went to France with when we were both exchange students.... he's a little unfortunate in the looks department so I gave him my old cell number which is no longer functional and told him to call me. if I get called on it I'll blame the martinis.

Christmas morning... the usual, we did the prezzies with the fam which were again plentiful and well thought out. not suprising but good. After that I went and bought some sushi for my grandfather and great aunt were coming over..... YAY!!!! Unfortunately due to the fact that they are both in their late 80's they tire easily, and especially at christmas remind me of the ever quick passage of time, and make me miss christmas's past.... oh well such is life right?

Dinner was quick and afterwards it was back to work for me to do a little more so I can relax on Monday. Now I'm sitting in my living room watching Polar Express and just trying to recapture a little bit of my childhood. The worst part about growing up is losing the magic at christmas that ANYTHING is possible.... if you just believe.

..........I believe in Santa.................

Friday, December 23, 2005

Friday Highlights

So it's Friday, and I'm still drunk from last nights party..... I thought I'd share some highlights from Christmas part one: Waspy Christmas

1). Me coming home and my mother greeting me with a glass of wine... mmmmmmm merlot.

2). After Chip and our friend T-bag arrived, my godparents arriving and my godmother exclaiming loudly as she took off her fur coat "now where in christmas name is my martini???" yeah were all afraid of her.

3). Gorge fest of spinach dip, wine, and food..... god I love getting gluttonous on christmas.

4). My godparents, whom rented a house in key west for new years badgering my parents to come to key west for new years.... apparently mumsy and daddykins are too cool for that this year.

5). My mom, getting housed and buying tickets for my sister and I to go to key west for New Years..... my job is going to haaaaate me for taking a week off.... oh well they can go eff themselves.

6). My godcousin wanting to have a MILLION of chip's babies.... so funny right now....

7). and DAMMIT if I didn't wake up with a bottle of chardonnay, by my mom walking into the room and saying..... well at least it wasn't red wine...... sweet jesus


Thursday, December 22, 2005

The Closing of the year....

So I'm not going to work tomorrow... I've got beaucoup vaca time that I'm going to be using, plus tonight is round one of holiday cheer with Waspy christmas... Quote from mom on the phone last night. "I'm making peppermint-tinis, you won't be able to stand after 3 of those!!"..... and that's a plus at my house apparently. (At the most recent count for 8 people we have a case of wine, 2 bottles of vodka, a pitcher of peppermint-tinis[which I'm still not sure about] and a case of beer, welcome to dinner parties at my parentals house)

ps......YAY CHIP FOR GETTING A GREAT CHRISTMAS PRESENT EARLY...... wanna be my sugar daddy Mr. future lawyer man???? (All jokes about Chips legal briefs please insert here)

Also convo with the kid sister last night:
Sis: on your way home from the gym can you pick me up a box of the franz?
Dale: That stuff is wicked hein..... ok fine what flavor?
Sis: ummmmmm pink, I'm just going to end up sitting in bed with the bladder and a straw and pink matches my sheets
Dale: oh (kid sister), it's not Pink, it's sunset blush.... get it right. and when I get home you better move over and have a glass ready for me, were watching Anchorman right?
Sis: Obvy, you know, you're like a tiny buddha covered in hair.....

Anyways so it's Thursday, I'm avoiding doing anything productive, so here are some random thoughts.......

1). I waited and waited and waited, as per the usual, but I'm officially opening the application process for New Years Eve guy 2k5/2k6. Qualifications include
  1. Photogenic in case of friends with cameras or press.
  2. bad kissers (this includes face lickers and biters and dead fish) need not apply
  3. Non-english speakers are actually ok if you speak any of the following, German, French, Japanese, or Farsi... Two years ago I was at Nation (I know I know, Klassy) and I ended up kissing a gentleman by the name of Faisal who was from Iran, spoke no english, and I not only convinced him I was part middle eastern, but had a drunken persian conversation which apparently made me that much more adorable...
  4. Ability to keep up with Dale, Chip who will have found a gentleman caller by that point, and whomever else is around.... please note, we can hang with the big dogs, we may be petite but that just makes us a double threat. (I've definitely gone shot for shot with a bunch of marines once...... guess who won?? he he, they can kill a man with their pinky but can't keep up with little ole me :))

Any and all applicants must apply in person as I have to stand next to you to gauge compatability and judge on conversation skill... does that mean I'll be out pretty much every night next week??? perhaps.......

2). I have everything I want for christmas, my family is crazy but awesome. This year has been the year of some really crappy things, HOWEVER, I've also made some of the best friends that I will ever have, this would include my sistah soul Chip, T-dog and A-game.... many a night has been spent with the Fearsome Foursome out on the town/ out on the couch with a bladder of wine having spoon session 2k5.

3). My boss emailed me as soon as I got in this morning because stuff she was supposed to get done a year ago wasn't done and now her ass is in the blender and she's yelling at me to do said stuff..... I'm sorry (Boss) that you're incompetent but yelling at me isn't going to make things happen ANY faster (instead of doing what she wanted me to do I'm blogging, how passive aggressive am I?)...... please go away and I hope you fall ass first onto a d*ldo that's been rolled in broken glass. Thank you and have a nice day.

4). Apparently according to Ms. Kathryn, I'm an easy person to recognize as she described me, to someone whom I don't think I've ever met, at a party and they knew who I was. Honestly, I'm not that scary, even though I may look to the contrary (it's my third eye that scares people isn't it?) Please come up and say hi if you see me out, unless I'm mucho drunko, then I won't remember you.

5). I am unequivocally not ashamed that I not only own this movie and this movie, but I watched them BOTH last night from the comfort of the G-spot cuddled up nice and tight with a Tanq and Tonic and billy my bf substitute.... his full name is Billy the Body Pillow. ps totally had a stuffed ewok growing up, they always reminded me of bad ass Popples

Happy holidays everyone and may the good lord bless you with gifts of top shelf vodka and spill proof martini glasses!!!!!!!

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Tis The Season

So quick recap of last night..... call guy I met at JR's (allegedly) have the least awkward first phone conversation in life and make plans for a date next wednesday. drink drink drink with these fabulous ladies, after sharing in multiple drinks with Chip and our female friends, Gorge fest at McDonalds, haven't eaten there in 3 years and there's a reason why..... got home and bye bye McDonalds, hello porcelain temple.

Anyways on with the show.................

So every year my Christmas is divided into three parts, much like the holy trinity, yup just about as special as the birth of our lord (who was actually born in september and don't get me started on the changing of the christian calendar)

A Wasp Christmas: This is occurring this year on the day before Christmas Eve. My parents are hosting this year, usually we go to my Godparents house in potomac or the club for a nice dinner. My godparents are the epitome of Wasp, except they're catholic. Godmother, blonde, pearls, got married right out of the sorority house. Godfather, inherited family business, family is founding members of one of the local country clubs, owns horses at their house and goes fox hunting on their property. But at christmas everybody gets drunk.... I mean EVERYBODY gets drunk. My godparents once gave me a lecture because when they were in college they'd make and drink a pitcher of martinis after classes every day, and I said I didn't have martini glasses let alone a pitcher to necessitate said martini. When I moved to my first apartment after college I invited them over for dinner, most people bring wine, they brought a handle sized bottle of grey goose. This year Chip and my friend T will be joining us, thankfully Chip has spent time with them at the beach this summer so he kinda knows what to expect.

An Asian Christmas: I think my paternal grandparents started celebrating christmas when they were little because they just thought that's what you were supposed to do. They joined a church to meet other Japanese people in the D.C. area, not for any type of salvation of any kind. Anyways we always would go over to my Grandparents house and I'd help my grandfather make the Inarizushi, the Futomaki, and the Mochi , I'd get the requisite lecture on how I needed to eat more red beans to become wealthy, lotus root to become smarter, Shrimp to have a long life etc. etc. and so forth. Then I'd get grilled on how I was doing in school and if I was being a good boy etc. My grandfather would also buy lobsters for me to eat because they were my favorite and I'm the only boy, so I always get what I want :) (Ain't I a stinker?) Then we'd order chinese food, sit around and open presents and I think until I was about 12 I'd at some point fall asleep and wake up in the wrapping paper. PS I'm so asian right now.

A Hun' Christmas: My mother's family is all from Ballmer (Baltimore), good german stock. So usually they all descend upon our house, and the wine gets opened.... my uncle LOVE LOVE LOVES 2 buck chuck from trader joes so he always brings a case with him. My sister is a big Franzia fan, I try to stick to the Jacobs Creek/Yellowtails of the world, Mom just goes for the vodka and dad goes for the makers mark. We have good ole Ballmer christmas food, oyster stew, oyster stuffing, ham, and eels (it's a german thing). Then everyone starts asking me if I'm seeing anyone, the answer is always no, ever since my mom ANNOUNCED that I had posed for an ad and passed it around the table AT DINNER, I'm like the christmas special..... "what's gay dale up to these days?? Something gay I'll bet, I wonder if he's letting creepy photographers photograph him anymore in little more than fur boots and fake snow".......
Then my mom who's drunk at this point usually starts in about how I need to have kids as she's not getting any younger (I'm 23 she just turned 50.... I mean c'mon)

So that's christmas.... aren't you glad you're not related to me?

Tuesday, December 20, 2005



2006 the year of the B*&ch!!

2006 is the year of the B*&ch, or more specifically the dog, which means that it's also MY year having been born in said year. There are several things that I would like to accomplish in the coming year, which include and in no particular order.....

1). Deal with the horror that is graduate school. Honestly in my line of work I can't get any type of clout without a graduate/doctorate degree, you'd think a B.S. in molecular bio would be enough for these people, apparently I'm a liar.

2). At some point receive flowers, now this has been on my list for the past couple of years. I have NEVER received flowers from a gentleman caller and believe it is about effing high time that some gentleman take it upon himself to think highly enough of me to get me flowers. beach vaca's? done. shiny sparkly things? done. Hell I even got thrown over the shoulder of a guy I was dating at the four seasons and carried out of there....but flowers? I got nothing.

3). In the wake of Narnia, I would like to re-read the C.S. lewis chronicles... I loved them when I was little and it's time to recapture my youth.

4). As I had this talk with Chip Sunday night, I will be more proactive with going up and talking to gentleman callers instead of relying on the furtive bedroom eyes. Although in my defense I'll talk to pretty much anyone after the third drink, as was evident at JR's/ GL the last time I was there. Plus the furtive bedroom eyes serve me well.

5). Try not to have boy ADD this year, it's not that there are that many of them but I lose interest SOOOOOO fast... there has got to be man ritalin or something, and Stoli isn't working as well as I'd hoped.

6). Debt free... blah blah blah, responsibility blah blah blah.

7). Continue in my quest to not look like a somalian hunger victim... I'm gonna continue with my plan of gym + eat lots of food, primarily protein.... lets see what happens! (ps I'm wicked excited that my ribcage is no longer visible!!!!)

Monday, December 19, 2005

Line of the Weekend:

"You have minor tears in your anal cavity."


.....And then I woke up with a random phone number in my pocket

The title of my post pretty much sums up my weekend.....

So Friday.... GEISHA@!@!!!!! I loved the movie, loved it loved it loved it. So much fun with my friends at Sushi Taro and loved the movie even though I could tell that Ms. Ziyi had a chinese not Japanese accent, and Michelle Yeoh I felt could have done more with her character. But whatevs.

Saturday after waking up I called Dudley and we went to P. City for a little holiday shopping. I didn't get anything but whatevs. After that we went back to his place for a little pre-happy hour cocktail, which was deeeeelish, and then I went off to meet up with a friend from college who's brother I actually made out with once, it was his suggestion oddly enough. Did a little more drinking, a little catching up and it was off to meet my cousin who was in town from med school. The rest of the night is a weee bit hazy, but I do remember meeting up with Ms. Katinka at a bar whose name escapes me and drinking some beers with her before going home.

Sunday was SUPPOSED to be low-key but somehow I managed to convince Chip after round 2 of shopping for christmas stuff that it'd be a good idea for a little drinky-poo and gnash. So we went to Rosemary's Thyme where we proceeded to have the deepest conversation in life. I think we actually went from religion to old professors/gym coaches/ teachers that we had the hots for when we were younger. PS after dinner I got up and knocked a painting off the wall much to Chips embarassment..... I still maintain that it had nothing to do with the wine and I would have been that clumsy without alcohol assisstance.

This is where things get hairy..... .so 2 bottles of wine later we try to convince These Ladies to come to JR's with us but to no avail. I guess they're just more "Responsible" than we are. ANYWAYS so off to Juniors we went, where we proceeded to get drizzzunk and shlockered all types of ways. In the process I leaned over to chip and pointed out a guy I thought was cute that I was TOTALLY going to Geisha him and just make bedroom eyes, as I do. However Chip doesn't like to work on that time table and motioned for him to come over and pushed me at this guy. PS, I begrudgingly admit that his plan worked and definitely got his phone number (even though I don't remember doing that and had to have Chip explain it to me this morning). Also got this random girls phone number who kept buying me drinks while her cute and drunk friend was getting macked on by a rando ugly guy (she totally called him fat and burned him with her ciggarette, so obviously she was my besty). Yeah her cute and drunk friend totally molested me and I was A OK with that.

I left JR's after I looked over and saw that Chip was "Occupado" with a gentleman, and I was bordering on not cute drunk so I skeedaddled and went home where I passed the eff out only to wake up at 3:45 to txt message Chip "you are so geisha" I mean....really.......

Also from JR's as I was reminded by Chip:

-Saw a fellow Bates Alum and definitely yelled "yeah bates" at least ten times..... wish I would have gotten HIS number.........

- Also Sunday morning I woke up with 150$ in my wallet and had to make 4 phone calls before I figured out how it got there....

I hope this week turns out to be less busy but I think I have plans Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and then it's christmas....... god I need a betty ford moment.

Friday, December 16, 2005

Friday Five.......Announcements

1). As I took an extended lunch break I realized several things about myself whilst shopping in the seventh circle of hell also known as Montgomery Mall. They are,
  • Burberry Brit will be my scent of 06
  • I don't really look good in anything yellow
  • I got a little sad that the soundtrack at A&F is better than the one at Sadlands
  • Armani Exchange makes the same tired crap again, and again, and again, and puts there logo ALLLLLLL over it (not cute)
  • I love everything J.Crew, god I'm preppy.
  • I am now the proud owner of a Nat's hat, I'm so D.C. right now.

2). I am SOOOOOOOO excited about my awkward group date / dinner and a movie tonight. We are starting off at my FAVORITE sushi restaurant that practices reverse discrimination (if you make reservations in japanese the wait is cut in at least half if not more, plus the hostess only smiles at asian people.... I HEART HER), and then seeing Memoirs of a Geisha. And no unfortunately I'm not wearing a kimono, the one's that I own are all for the summer and honestly I'd really like not to catch pneumonia right before christmas.

3). After purchasing the latest copy of Men's Health because Mr. Adrian Brody went from anorexic somalian to yum. com, I will now be on the Adrian Brody diet/workout program, except for the whole cutting out booze thing, I'm sorry that's just cruel. I figure I'll look non-somalian juuuuuuust in time for the next round of vaca/swimsuit time (I'm thinking maybe Mykonos in March...... anyone wanna take me?)

4). My cousin who is in town from medical school in the middle of BFE wants to get "black out" saturday night, and honestly, after this week when I could have financed a college education with the amount of money I spent on booze (and most of the things were open bar@!!) the thought makes me want to shed many tears....

5). Speaking of tears, last night my roomate and I watched This movie, and then I followed it up with This movie. Talk about the flowing of tears!!! Sometimes a good cry is the perfect catharsis on a night like last night as crappy as it was outside.

SIDEBAR: so ok while watching This movie last night made me feel all cry-ey and such, I would like to do things that would put me on Santa's "Naughty" list to him, him, him, him, him, him, him, him, and yes............even him who incidentally is older than both of my parents.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

Holiday Shopping

For those of you who haven't finished your holiday shopping, here's the prefect gift!

Ho Ho Homos......

So unfortunately due to being on the stoop at deaths door, Senor Chip could again not make the festivities for La fete de Noel a Cobalt last night. HOWEVER, I did manage to coerce the hermetic young man to join me at my favorite sushi restaurant where reverse racism is rampant and I looooooooooooooove it.

After gorge fest I traipsed on over to the Cobalt Christmas Party where I learned that an open bar isn't necessarily a great idea..... after about 6 or 7 tanq and tonics and one dirty martini.

As hard as I try to be a class act, I just always seem to bungle it up.. and last night was absolutely not an exception.

Awkward conversation with a girl that took the message substance abuse to the next level. No kidding she saw me enjoying a nicotine treat and she came up to me and said: "OhmygodcanIgiveyouadollarforaciggarette?Myboyfrienddoesn'twantmetohaveonebutwhocaresIwantoneandIwillpayyou"
Imagine that but at super speed and with blonde hair and eyes all types of dilated.

As a result of my recent sickness plus G/I issues I've been having as of late I committed a hate crime against the toilet at Cobalt.... oopsy.

A cute guy who apparently has a bf (silent tear) came up to me while I was enjoying the wonders of an open bar with these fabulous ladies and said, "So, no rendition of Dolly Parton tonight huh?" Yeah my jaw hit the floor and I responded with, "Oh my GAWD (gone with the gin was in full effect) puhhhlease drink enough to erase that from your memory!!"

I did however manage to come up with several new crushes for myself, including a certain silver fox that is reminiscent of anderson cooper, if anderson cooper was 6'5" and built like a brick sh*t house. And a few others that I will keep secret (keep it secret, keep it safe) except I do remember announcing to at least this lady, that I would have a few of the bartenders bastard love children.

After the open bar ended we decided to peace the eff out and headed over to McDonalds for some late night grease loving..... and then on to JR's where another round of drinks were had and it looks like the christmas section at target has thrown up all over the inside.

When I got home I inhaled some more food (Drunk Munchies) and am not at work with el hangover from hell...... god bless you aleve and a gingerbread latte, you are my savior.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Project Ugly

I'm Sorry...... Project Runway this season has some uuuugggggglllllly and sad people on it. Phew, that felt good to get out there.... now let me do a little teensy review of each of our fair contestants.

I'm including this girl cuz I mean really..... you married Seal.... what the hell is wrong with you? Otherwise you're fabulous and I heart you.

Andrae: you're a whiney little c*&t and you look like Jack Skellington from this movie with icky pock marked skin pulled over it, I wouldn't wear your clothes if you paid me.

Chloe: you're a little sassy, a little saucy, I'll let you go for now, but be warned, the asian card only works once.

Daniel F.: I guess losing wasn't good enough once. You'd think between then and now you would have changed your hideous toupee looking haircut. blagh.

Daniel V: Hair, cut it, Nose.... cut it. Designs? boxy and unimaginative.... please come back when you aren't so wet behind the ears, there's already one Zac posen and you aren't him.

Diana: Oh honey, geeky asian darling.... magnets in clothes is bad news bears. also think about looking into a mousse product, big hair may not be in but nobody likes having a limp mop on top of their heads.

Emmett: See I think you're actually kind of cute.... Established, well heeled, and piercing blue eyes and a square jaw.... yes you may take me out to dinner.

Guadalupe: holy yikes batman.... you said your parents were boat people? time to get back in the dinghy darlin..... wow you're just a whole ball of yikes, bad hair, bad facial features, bad makeup....

Heidi: just as perky as your name, sweet jesus I'm glad they cut your country A$$.

John: You're like Jay McCarrol, the whole fat and jovial thing worked once but lighting don't strike twice sweetheart.... bye bye.

Kara: Points for the whole south african thing, that's hot. Minus points however for that whole Alanis/Mona Lisa thing going on.... come on do you REALLY need to call attention to that forehead???

Kirsten: Botox, learn it, live it, love it. i actually really like her stuff, sexy and classy. rock on with your bad self.

Marla: As a GW grad I have to give you props, also as a mother of a 26 year old.... hello!!! dale is unacommpanied at the moment!!!! However your name IS Marla... bet they gave you crap for that one at Hova....

Nick: While you look like Aladdins gay uncle I like your style. the facial hair works for you, but the sweatbands? darling? they're done.

Raymundo: Everytime you open your mouth I cringe, sweet jesus can we start a Raymundo's teeth make me want to cry please get them fixed fund?? Not to mention how you overshared about your relationship with your father in the interview and are annoyingly gay.... blah. I hope you get cut soon, you bother me. BESIDES THE FACT THAT YOUR NAME IS RAYMUNDO.... I expect to see you on telemundo soon...

Santino: you look like a scary magician. I don't like designers that I'm afraid of, which is why to this day I refuse to wear Versace... Donatella looks too much like the queen of the undead.

Zulema: Darling the part of your hair down the middle makes you look like you have an old split wig on... please do something about that. Plus your clothes make you look like you sat around a strip club for inspiration, and not one of the classy ones.... one of the ones that lets their strippers work into their third tri-mester.....

And there you have it, project runway...... I'll be watching!!!!!!!!! (Except for not this Wednesday as I and every other hot mo' will be making the 17th st. rounds for the annual holiday parties)

Logo or Nogo?

I have been quarantined to the sofa in my apartment for the better part of the past 3 - 4 days due to what seems to be a terrible cold, but may be something else (dr. appointment this afternoon). As a result, I have watched mucho movies and mucho tv. A large portion of that time in front of the television was spent watching Logo, the relatively new gay network. Here are a few observations:

1) The channel aired a seemingly endless string of commercials for their upcoming "2005: Year in Queer" program. Each ad would feature a brief discussion over a big topic of this past year. One of the biggest queer stories of 2005 was the coming out of WNBA star Sheryl Swoopes. For those members of the gay community who do not follow sports (which, much to my chagrin, is the overwhelming majority), may not appreciate just how dominant a player Swoopes is. She has been one of the greatest female basketball players on Earth for years. There has never been a coming out in professional sports of nearly this magnitude. However, Logo chose to air a clip of Swoopes saying "I don't think I was born gay; it was a choice." Does this not trouble anyone else? I understand that Swoopes was formerly married to a man and has children. Regardless, I am very uncomfortable with an out celebrity of this stature claiming that her sexuality is a choice and this view being spread by a television network aimed at the gay community. Is this belief not the primary foundation behind the ex-gay movement? If homosexuality is a choice as many right-wingers, and it seeems, Ms. Swoopes, believe, then am I just guilty of moral indiscretion? I do not believe that my homosexuality is a choice or ever was. Moreover, I get angry with claims that my rights are to be denied over this supposed choice. Seeing Sheryl Swoopes only provide further support for this bogus idea really irritates me. It is worth noting that I did not see the entire segment, so I am unaware of the complete context of her comment. Nevertheless, I am a bit peeved...

2) Has anyone seen Noah's Arc? I had not seen the show before this weekend, and since the end of QAF, my gay television quota has sorely been lacking. Saturday night (yeah, I'm that cool), a string of episodes came on, and I was definitely entertained. My initial reaction was to believe that, although I find the show entertainint and would watch it again, it is little more than a QAF rip-off. However, what does a drama about a group of gay men have to do in order to avoid that label? I haven't given this topic much thought yet, but am interested to see what I and others can suggest.

Additional note on Noah's Arc: I was watching it again last night, with my roommate. I know a lot of girls, both gay and straight who enjoy QAF. My roommate has never seen it. However, she's fabulous so I took it for granted that she would have no problem seeing two men doing, as I call it, "what the good Lord intended." Granted, "the Arc" isn't as graphic as QAF, but I probably should've warned her. Oops!

3) After reading a good review, I checked out NewNowNext. It opened with some promise, Bloc Party and Fischerspooner (the jury is still out on M.I.A.). The first half of the show was about good music, but the latter half seemed to be more about gay music. Is Logo required to play videos by gay musicians or seemingly gay music by nature or are they required to adhere to more musical guidelines? If they are adhering to a musical standards, does that not defeat the purpose of having a gay channel? Afterall, if viewers want shows focused on music and have the sexuality issue be completely left out, would they not turn to other networks? Anywho, the second half left much to be desired, featuring an Ari Gold remix (the video was a cross between Madonna's "Cherish" and Chris Isaack's "Wicked Game" and dedicated to Herb Ritts), a new Eurythmics song that was preceeded by a discussion on "gay anthems" (hint, hint) and lastly, a really weird Erasure video that focused on a homeless Asian girl selling matches. Riiiiigggggggghht...

Addendum: I'm surprised no one listed Frankie Goes to Hollywood's "Relax" or Wham's "Wake Me Up" during the gay anthem discussion.

4) Lastly, I just checked out Logo website and saw their casting call for people with "interesting coming out stories and gay republicans." I love it how being a gay republican automatically marginalizes members of an already marginalized community. Ahhhhh...

Monday, December 12, 2005

Weekend roundup...... holy yikes o rama batman...

Ok so, this friday after another fun filled day of meetings that I didn't want to go to, I raced home and hosted a dinner for about 25 people.... I think everything turned out ok but you can never really tell... Unfortunately Chip couldn't make it as he was ill from the flu and working all the time like a hooker during fleet week, However The Boy and Mrs. Jesus and Dudley and Katinka all graced me with their royal selves. Highlights of the evening include:

A certain douche bag who was someone's +1 hitting on all the girls, making the MOST awkward toast... after I toasted Chip and Mr. Bartender, BGK and all of my friends that couldn't be at the party, he got up and said "I'd like to toast to all our fallen soldiers in Iraq." Good sentiment, awkward of course I followed it up with awkward robot dance.

Me getting WASTED at DC 9, oh sad times. Falling out of the cab when it dropped me and my best friend and the marine that she brought back to my house (they live in DE so they were crashing at my pad)

Saturday was spent making the sickest man in life (Chip) homemade chicken noodle soup and watching old Star Wars movies..... and passing the eff out at his pad.

Had some fun with Dudley and Katinka for Katinka's B-day, then on to another house party where apparently my group of friends was deemed the most attractive and then some coke fiend thought that I was hooking up witha girl there that's a good friend.... what a tool.

Sunday I started off at Cafe St. Ex with my two best lady friends, yumsies!!! Then went and watched Love Actually at their place (the klondike) and ended up spooning with one of them... girls are good for some things I guess

Sunday evening was a suprise B-Day party for Mrs. Jesus at Cobalt and I wish my friends would at some point in my life throw me a party like the one that happened last night, food... yum, drinks...... yum, me singing 9 to 5 with Mr. Bartender and a lady friend.....yikes. Met a couple of very nice gentleman and apparently whenver I pretend to be french from now on my name will be Bertrand.... I think I'm much more of a Etienne. P.S. tried out a new hairdo a la the one previously mentioned, good results!! Also this gentleman showed off more than his singing talents.....god I'd be embarrassed if I was him.

I'm "sick" today and will be spending the rest of the day in bed.

Friday, December 09, 2005

Friday Five....Smile!!!

So I had the day from HELLLLLLLLLL yesterday but for some reason I woke up with a smile on my face today, and I attribute that to:

1). Waking up and seeing snow on the ground always makes me giddy. I guess you can take the boy out of Maine but you can't take the Maine out of the boy. PS my first bf in college first kissed me during the first snowfall freshman year, most. romantic. thing. ever.

2). Drive into work, I hate 495, I hate 270, but I heart my drive into and coming home from work. I love driving past monuments, capitol building, and seeing the DC skyline for a good part of my trip. Makes me happy to live in DC.

3). Last night I cooked more food than one man should ever cook, I'm hosting dinner for 20+ at le palais de dale which has also been named the G-Spot (get your minds out of the gutter it has NOTHING to do with that), 2 main courses, 4 side dishes, and 3 deserts later annnnnnnnnnd I'm spent. Cooking for others always makes me happy.

4). Getting the rando "knew your day was crappy hope your evening is going well" calls/IM's from friends last night as I was doing it Julia Child style, it's like an electronic hug really.

5). After having el dio de crap, going to the spa and having my hair done, my body massaged, my face facialed, and my eyebrows tended to.... yes that's right I participate in eyebrow hair maintenance. nothing is as cathartic as having hair forcibly ripped from your face.... no joke.

Have a nice weekend everybody!!

Thursday, December 08, 2005

You look so good with blond hair and black roots its like not even funny

Ok so.... I was thinking about something that Sean said the other day:

In high school, there is always the cool kids’ group. If you were any flavor of geeky protoqueer–bandfag, artfag, neo-hippie stoner, A/V geek, athletic team manager, ad nauseum–you pretended to think that the cool kids were all stupidhead losers. If you were any flavor of geeky protoqueer–and let’s not shit ourselves, that pretty much means all of us, even if you were cool–you did your damndest to convince yourself that you didn’t secretly want to be considered part of their clique.

And it obviously got me to thinking about This Movie, WHICH I own by the way and watch on a regular basis. Especially this quote;
Michelle: You know, I didn't realize we didn't have such a great time in HS till you told me so.

I guess I wasn't friends with the REALLY popular kids, you know, the kids that made mean girls look like nuns on a sunday, but honestly I know what they're all up to today and lets review...... Golf Instructor, Gas station attendant/druggie burnout, Hooters employee, stagnant pseudo minor league ball player, still in college, just started college, just started community college, had a nervous breakdown and is now living at home, just had second baby.

MMMMMMMMM yum, how sweet justice is.

Anyways my HS experience was pretty fun........

Freshman year: Straight out of a very different private school (think society of friends) I came back to publich HS, Big ole science geek.... did the whole honors thing pretty much kept to myself.... till swim season... big ole diving freak. I did gymnastics since I was 2, had a brief stint in the circus when I was 11 and had been diving 4 hours a day 6 days a week since I was 12. Since I wasn't that bad I made all of my friends on the swim team which pretty much set me up for the rest of my HS experience. We ended up winning states that year by 2 points.... (funniest part about that is I didn't go to the celebratory party because I was afraid there'd be alcohol there.... little did I know the people that were hosting it were mormon....D'OH). Spent the last part of the year and the entire summer in France as an exchange student...... that experience deserves it's OWN post "oooh la la"

Sophomore Year: Ended the first gay "relationship" that I'd been harboring since 8th grade.... yeah the captain of the football team and I had been "socializing" till he thought that he was "over this stage" HA HA HA HA HA, and basically told me to eff off... meh I was ok with that. Hosted a french exchange student who thought that our raw bacon was prosciutto and I woke up saturday morning to find him in the kitchen in his BVD's eating raw bacon..... I nearly vommed. We won states again... this time we thought it was a good idea to all bleach our hair so everyone would know who we were (yeah like they didn't know anyways, we all wore our wind suits to school every day totally still have mine)

Junior Year: This was my oopsy year. I discovered alcohol, or more accurately I discovered that doing 8 shots of Jose Cuervo on an empty stomach and then eating pork fried rice is a recipe for disaster. I "accidentally" almost got the entire swim team suspended after I had a party at my house and "accidentally" 6 handles of vodka showed up and people were throwing more than the exorcist.... yeah I was grounded for a month for that one. I didn't go to states that year.... I had really bad knee problems. I came out of the closet publically this year and was only called the F bomb once, by someone younger than me in the hall, then I stopped....turned around and yelled..."I'm sorry what did you say? Yes I'm talking to you XXXX XXXX, if you have something you need to say to me I suggest you do it." Yeah most of the time I'm demure and reserved like a flower, but get me pissed off and you'll HEAR what's on my mind. Spent the last part of the year and the summer in Japan as an exchange student again.... And we all know how that turned out....

Senior Year: Got into my New England preppy elite college of choice early decision so I was done by Thanksgiving. Owned my gayness a go go and pretty much dared anyone to do anything about it..... it became a very persistent rumor that I'd hooked up with the captain of the football team and apparently bugged him to the point that he wrote me a letter threatening my life. Apparently he thought I wouldn't recognize his handwriting...... so I wrote him a letter on a nice card back that read... "Dear XXXX, please don't threaten me, not only will everyone believe me if I tell them but I will give this letter to your parents and I know your mother will recognize your handwriting, don't threaten someone who has this kind of information on you... I thought you were smarter than that." (p.s. I should really go into politics). Swim team funness all around, got all american.... and that was HS I guess.

I don't think I was really ever considered "popular" by any stretch of the imagination but I definitely wasn't ever looked down upon... and if I was I didn't realize it so really.... ignorance may just be bliss.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005


Unfortunately I've noticed that the gay men of Washington D.C. have not been schooled in the ways of etiquette, and as some of you know, my ultimate plan is to begin a finishing school for Gay men. You come out of the closet and you are forced to either attend my classes at Dales Finishing School for the Proper Gay Male or pass my equivalency exam which consist of 3 parts, Club etiquette, Social etiquette, and Restaurant etiquette.

Here is a brief overview of each.

Club Etiquette:

1). It is bad form to not tip or badly tip your bartender, it says not only are you cheap, but you have bad taste, or treat them like they're subservient. Not only are they there to accentuate and complete your club/bar experience, it is ALWAYS bad manners to play it like you're better than anybody else.... you could be the queen of england but I'm sure that b*tch says please and thank you to anyone who's bringing her a Tanq and tonic (I think that's what the royal family has given the royal commendation to)

2). If you show up with someone at a club that's more than a friend and end up making out/macking on someone else you deserve to be the subject of a yelling episode by the person you showed up with....sorry you made your bed...

3). The equivalent of 2 martinis per hour is more than plenty to make you fun to be around, more than that and you aren't really aren't. btw 2 martinis equals 3-4 Vodka And's or Gin And's....

4). Proper attire does NOT consist of sleeveless T's and god help you if you should wear sandals.... I WILL step on your toes.

5). Unless you've worked as a dancer or taken extensive dance classes, don't dance on a platform, chances are you look like an epileptic chipmunk.

Social Etiquette:

1). Bro's before Ho's.... if you put a hookup before your friend you deserve to have a stilleto shoved up your naughty area..

1a). Don't hook up with your friends crushes or ex's. bad karma people, bad karma.

2). Talking smack about people will come back to you. As the reigning Ms. Congeniality of DC I have NO idea what that's like.........tee hee.

3). Always smile when entering a new place, it increases your face value and besides, your name is not Naomi Campbell and you aren't in a Gucci ad. Smiling makes everyone happy.

4). P's and Q's. this translates to all areas of your life. ALWAYS say please and thank you. All well heeled people know the value of good manners.

Restaurant Etiquette:

1). If you are drinking from a wine glass, hold it by the stem, never the glass. If you are drinking from a martini glass hold also by the stem never by the glass, you don't want all that lovely vodka/gin to get warm PLUS let me just have a special little diatribe on what constitutes a martini..... Gin/Vodka maybe a hint of olive juice, a wisp of vermouth perhaps and Olive/Onion on a skewer.... anything else, even if served in a martini glass is a cocktail NOT a martini. Water glasses all should be held by the glass.

2). When the waiter/server brings you ANYTHING say thank you..... (see above)

3). If sharing a dish, NEVER take the last helping, you should never seem like you're desperate for that last bite even if you haven't eaten in days, take a sip of your water and wait for your next course.

4). When eating your soup course remember this little rhyme, "Like a ship going out to sea, I tip my spoon away from me" spooning your soup towards you isn't cute, neither is loudly slurping (this last part is different if you're talking about some asian soups but this is for the American set)

And here are a couple of Gems just from me to you:

1). walk ALWAYS heel to toe. Runway, Walmart, Cobalt.... heel toe, it's cuter, and it's better for fine leather shoes.... trust me.

2). Trucker hats.... they're done. Recognize.

3). When getting your eyebrows done, less is more.... don't look like Joan Rivers, you aren't Cher.

4). Facial hair.... go hard or go home... goatees? ew. Fu Manchu? EW? either full face or shave it.

Anyways, Applications are available for my finishing school.... but the admissions board of Chip and Myself has been touted as the toughest organization to get into....

La Femme Nikita aint got crap on me

Ok so last night as I was enjoying a nicotine treat in the backyard of le palais, I turned around and realized that yes, I had locked myself out in sweatpants and slippers. After calling my roomies who were out having dinner and not wanting to become a dale-cicle, I scaled the wall surrounding my backyard and went around to the front of my house.... no luck. The front door was already locked from the inside. So being the resourceful young gentleman I figured out that I'm slight enough that my arm fits into the mail slot and I opened the door that way.

As both Chip and Dudley can attest to, I've done a little crouching tiger hidden dragon action at Dudleys place when I had to get a ciggarette butt last friday.

Yeah I'm a crafty little mo'. Cuz it aint the first time I've cloak and daggered my way out of a sticky situation.....

Sophomore year during a drunken stumble home..... ok ok so I wasn't actually walking as much as being carried by one of my many straight football bf's, but in any event I dropped my dorm keys into the snow. For those of you unaware the snow in Maine lasts from November to March/April. In any event we didn't have proximity cards to get into our dorms, good ole fashioned keys were the name of the game. So I learned how to pick the lock on my dorm room door with a hairpin and my student ID. Yup did it for 3 months til the snow melted.

So when I was living in london I was employed by a club as a dancer. No I didn't take my clothes off nor did I do anything that would compromise my status as a true Lady however I worked that pole like there was no tomorrow.... the fact that the british as a people, gay, straight, whatever, have the dancing rhythm of a straight man on a blind date didn't hurt my cause. ANYWAYS, one night after having access to the open bar and the very genial bartenders who always loved me after I got a little "Gone with the Gin" as Chip so aptly put it, and my southern drawl was in full effect. I had gotten off the platform and was re-hydrating (re-hydrating with grey goose) when a gentleman came up to me and asked me for my number. *For some reason to this day I can recite all 11 digitz *. In any event because I was tired from dancing for 4 hours and drunk, I gave it to him. However, after my next shift I sobered up as the ridiculous amount of cardio that was dancing would do, and I knew I didn't want him having my phone number. So when I took another H2O break I went right up to him, he wasn't drunk btw, and started dancing with him (btw this was frowned upon by the management but I explained myself) and in my bump and grind...... picked his pockets, got my phone number out and tucked it back into my work shorts. :)

So next time I'm out, don't be suprised if I matrix it all out on y'all!!! :)

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Weekend Roundup...... do you hear what I hear?

This past week has been a tornado of going out, I think I need a vaca like whoah before this week.... last week went out Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Thursday I hung out with these fabulous ladies as per the usual and met a nice gentleman at sadlands.... contestant number one has been washed out of my hair.

Friday night Dudley, Chip and I went to a party at the Boys after having a wonderful dinner cooked by Dudley!!!!! Hung out with Mrs. Jesus, saw some rando's and I peaced out early.

Saturday spent time with my Grandfather and crazy aunt.... family time is crazy time. Chip was nice enough to come out to suburbia and we went to the Outback for some hot beef injections...mmmmmm. Then I tried to school Chip on the ways of the 'mo with a viewing of Steel Magnolias (Whick I own, don't you judge me!!!) that didn't work he was wicked bored so we watched part of Trick until the go go boy put his clothes back on.

Sunday my roomie and I went to a nice brunchykins in georgetown as he must be seen around town entertaining me to be known as my acting heterosexual boyfriend. Then Chip and I went to P. City for some retail therapy, I'm currently trying out a new look which I will call Urban runway... we'll see if I'm edgy enough for that one. We went to the Teets after that and for the first time in my life I told a man how much meat I wanted..... and I wasn't at cobalt!

We then went back to my house and I played Suzie homemaker and made a shake and bake feast and we watched This movie, en preparation for This movie as the two lead actresses are the same in both.

As was my promise of the holiday season, here's the next installment.... with
"Do you hear what I hear?"

Said The Boy to his friend BGK,
Do you see what I see?
Way up near the bar, BGK.
Do you see what I see?
A twink, a twink, dancing in the night
with a tail that makes me feel allright.
with a tail that makes me feel allright.

Said BGK, to Mr. Chip
Do you hear what I hear?
Ringing through the night, Mr. Chip.
Do you hear what I hear?
Free shots, free shots, high above the noise
Calling all, all of the boys,
Calling all, all of the boys.

Said Mr. Chip to the faboo queen
Do you know what I know?
In the spacious club, faboo queen.
Do you know what I know?
the boys, the boys, both young and old
come with gifts, of silver and gold
come with gifts, of silver and gold

Said Faboo queen, to the people everywhere.
Listen to what I say!
Buy me drinks, people everywhere.
Listen to what I say!
The Bartender, and Sean, working through the night
They'll make all our cocktails right!
They'll make all our cocktails right!!

Friday, December 02, 2005


I'll be adding links to this post throughout the afternoon, so check back!

1) As if seeing the ads for this show aren't excruciating enough, they're coming to DC... tonight!

2) This is downright scary! (and fascinating)

Friday Five..... Insert Awkward Robot Dance...

Ok so first of all I can't take credit for the awkward robot dance. I believe according to legend, it was made up by my friends on my kickball team prior to my joining, this would be summer league. HOWEVER, as I have taken it into my vernacular along with many of my Dale-isms, I have come to rely on it's depiction of any and all awkward moments in my life.... such as....

1). Went into my bosses office at the end of the day yesterday to discuss something that happened in a meeting the other day. She says she won't be in tomorrow because she has to go to the doctor. I said I'm sorry I hope everythings ok. She says everythings fine she just has a yeast infection. *Insert awkward robot dance here*

2). Going up to the checkout line in the grocery to the only available line which happens to be run by a woman in a full hijab with nothing but a box of condoms, and then having the woman say "happy holidays" and then pausing and saying, "what am I saying, you'll be having very happy holidays." *insert awkward robot dance here*

3). Awkwardly waiting for Big Gay Kevin to come out of the bathroom at Green Lantern because he was being hit on by a gentleman who I shall refer to as Mohammed, and everyone thinking that you were there to cruise people coming out of the bathroom or were a hooker looking to pick up a trick. This is not Ho Chi Minh city and I will NOT love you long time! Also awkward, I asked Mohammed in farsi if he spoke farsi, he looked confused so I repeated myself in english and he asked me if I was persian... I said no and he said..... "good". yikes!

4). Going to Apex with The Boy, walking in, and feeling about 75 years old with all the fetuses running around with their body glitter and overuse of hair products.

5). Slowly over the course of the evening, as I became more intoxicado, turning into what I refer to as "Gone with the wind Dale".... I tend to develop a pronounced southern accent and when paired with the ethnic features makes for an interesting combo, def got several weird looks plus one of the quotes of the evening came from Big Gay Kevin, "what are you? the asian Scarlet Ohara?"

Thursday, December 01, 2005


So last night at the blogger happy hour was def fun. I obvy have to excuse myself for going too hard too fast too quick and having to go home before the evening even got into double digitz.

Anyways my last post was a bit somber so to lighten up the day I would like to share a convo that myself and one of my Hetero Homies ( I abhor the use of the word F*g and refuse to use any term that utilizes it therefore the dissuse of F*g stag or H*g)

Homie: Question, Are Santa's Elves the same Elves who are the Keebler Elves? And after making toys they moonlight by baking cookies and crackers?

Dale: Don't you think that the need would require elves to only be on one task?

Homie: I don't agree with your logic. Based on countless anecdotes elves don't appear to need sleep so, they could really hold 5 or 6 jobs.

Dale: Well right, but if christmas lists don't come out till December that makes toy making a 24/7 thing from Dec 1-24.

Homie: Also, the Keebler Christmas products are just a subsidiary of Santas business, and possibly there may be a rush on toys but they've been at this for hundreds of years and have likely developed models to accurately anticipate the desired toys.

Dale: Then are the Keebler elves only part time?

Homie: yup, cuz Keebler is only small time compared to the entirety of Santa's operation

Dale: ohhhhh ok. How about the Rice Krispie elves?

Homie: They were obviously the pre-madonnas that were too cool for Santa, mainly because the y were lazy gluttons so Santa fired them.

Homie: and then they took a job on the runway, and then had a failed TV show

Dale: Well I mean they have to pay for their coke habit, that aint sugar they're putting on their cereal.

Homie: their TV show was called "American elves in England."

Dale: I think I saw an episode. THe characters really lacked depth, kind of ilke the short lived "Models Inc."

Homie: Especially since they didn't even have any hot chicks.

Dale: So we'eve established that the keebler elves are part time elves that moonlight in the cookie business and that the rice krispie elves are ex toy makers that got into modeling, let fame go to their heads with a failed sitcom and now have to support themselves pushing cereal to maintain their coke habit?

Homie: nailed it, me make a good team clarifying the conspiracy theory.

*Obviously our next goal is to figure out who REALLY shot JR*

Come on people on your brother

So today, December 1, is International AIDS day. Being a member of the AIDS research community, part of my job is to try to interpret data coming in from Sub-saharan Africa, and the Asian subcontinent in order to more accurately model the growth of this horrible pandemic. However before I get all statistical on you there are several things that I feel that everyone should be aware of.

1). HIV/AIDS is NOT a punishment. It isn't retribution for being gay, or having sex with lots of people or being a sex worker or being addicted to IV drugs or engaging in any of the activities that most people associate with HIV/AIDS. This is perhaps the most important and hardest thing to realize, HIV/AIDS and people that are living with it are NOT bad people because of it.

2). People with AIDS should not be pitied, don't get me wrong it's tough and sucks but I'm sure rather than your sympathy people with this horrible disease need your support and encouragement more than anything else.

3). People use this disease as a divisive tool to separate factions of our society, when it's so sad that something this difficult should be bringing everyone together so that we can ALL benefit.

4). I know this is pedantic on my part but you can NOT get HIV from kissing, hugging, holding hands, sharing cups, sharing clothes or anything that doesn't involve the exchange of bodily fluids through open wounds.

HIV is a very fragile virus, it can't survive outside the body...... we need to B*&ch slap this mother.

Now onto the sad part.... for those that are having a good day don't read below, this aint gonna put you in a good mood.

By this time in 2004 39.4 million people were living with HIV, of which 2.2 million were children under the age of 15, and 17.6 were women.

In 2004 there were 510,000 deaths due to AIDS related complications in children under 15 and 2.6 million deaths for adults. Of these deaths, 2.3 million of them occurred in sub-saharan Africa.

Condom use in a 2001 survey in Uganda showed that less than 20% of women use a condom with someone they aren't married to.

In South Africa the belief still exists that an HIV+ man can cure himself through sex with a virgin.

In Washington D.C. 1 in 20 people have HIV.

1 in 10 Gay men in D.C. have HIV

1 in 3 Black men in D.C. who have sex with men have HIV.

Around the world 6,000 people between the ages of 15-24 become infected with HIV every day. That's a little bit more than 4 people every minute of every hour of every day. If it takes you 5 minutes to read this blog, by the time you're done enough children/young adults will have become infected to fill a classroom.

Since I've been born in 1982, more than 25 million people have died of AIDS. That's more than any war and bigger than many countries.

Africa has 12 million AIDS orphans.

Washington D.C., has more AIDS cases than all but 7 states in the entire country.

For major cities the only places that have higher HIV infection rates are NYC and Miami.

Every day millions of people wake up and have to deal with liver damage, kidney damage, lypodstrophy, CMV, and a host of other situations that I can't even imagine being able to deal with much less function with. And this is all before they go out the door to societies which treat these people as criminals and lepers for having a disease that knows no creed, race, color, socio-economic status, sexual orientation, country of origin, religion, or even fashion sense.

On this day remember that this disease will not go away unless we get it out in the open and work together to find a way to combat it..... together we stand, divided we will fall.

*Climbs down off soapbox, slight bow and exits stage left*

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Say It Loud and Say It Proud!

I loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove Rachael Ray!

In keeping with the recent letter theme...

Dear readers,

It has come to my attention that there are many people who have a strong disdain for the Food Network's Rachael Ray. While I have not addressed this issue here before, I feel as though I must present my thoughts on the matter since Dale brought her name up in an earlier post. If you find yourself in agreement with these people, please resort to the following plan:

1) Get over yourself.
2) Back off my girl.
3) Get a life.

I understand that the egos in this city could fill an ocean, so step 1 may represent serious problems for a lot of you, but I emplore that you make an honest effort.

It's fairly obvious, but I'd like to point out that Rachael Ray has been blowing up since she joined the Food Network a few years ago, moreso than any other network personality. From modest beginnings in New York, she is on the verge (if not already there) of developing a multi-media empire. Television, books and now magazines, this woman is better than you. All of you. And don't you forget it.

I will never claim that she is without any short-comings. However, the majority of her critics fail to develop a convincing argument. The following arguments fail to make the cut:

1) She makes up her own words and abbreviations.
Response: And your point is? You are a F.I. (f*cking idiot!)
2) She has too much energy.
Response: Are you jealous? So what if she has energy? Ahem, Dale, you should not be one to mock others for having excessive levels of energy
3) You can't cook her meals in 30 minutes.
Resopnse: Simple, really. She prepares for her time in the kitchen better than you.
4) The snob argument.
Response: This argument takes on a number of forms, but what it boils (pun intended!) down to is that many chefs feel as though she is causing the "death of American cooking." There is no evidence for this whatsoever. A converse position is the claim that she is introducing cooking to a large number of people who would otherwise stay away from the kitchen entirely. Perhaps she is akin to a "gateway chef," meaning someone who inspires viewers / readers to try their hand at cooking, and once they feel more comfortable in the kitchen, they can seek out other outlets for more advanced recipes and advice.
5) Her cooking is loaded with sodium, cheese and oil.
Response: Obviously! Why do you think I find myself drooling from 6 - 7 each weekday? I don't understand how or why she is incapable of admitting that her food is not the best, health wise. Then again, everything in moderation! This argument, although justified, is not sufficient to support any feeling even remotely close to "hatred" for this woman.

If anyone can present me with a convincing argument as to why Rachael Ray, Goddess among peasants, deserves to be mistreated, I am open to your input.

I understand that I am in a minority with these viewpoints, especially within the blogosphere. With that in mind, I hesitated before I decided to write this post. Then I remembered that anyone who has a problem with me on this issue can send me an email, and we can make arrangements for you to kiss my a$$.

Yours truly,

From the desk of Dale

These are several letters that I would like to write in order to express my "feelings", which I put into quotations due to the theoretical nature of any "emotions" I may have.

Dear Asian gym queen at Ballys,
Please refrain from wearing your princess leia headphones at the gym. They aren't cute. Also please refrain from giving dirty looks to people such as myself who look like a scrub at the gym just because you spend 20 minutes beforehand in the locker room fixing your hair before you come out. Honestly even if you spent 20 hours in front of the mirror it wouldn't help the genetic disaster that is your face. Thx. oh another ps..... red shorts and a yellow sleeveless T doesn't equal a cute outfit on you, it equals an ad for McDonalds Shanghai.

Dear Barbara Wa Wa,
Please consult a physician, it's obvious you have had a stroke. Anyone who names Camilla, duchess of Cornwall (from here on and forever after referred to as Countess Horseface) as the most interesting person of 2005 should have at the very least a CAT scan, not to mention a cocktail for making such a baaaad decision.
Kisses, call me for that primetime interview lata.

Contestant #1,
Your lack of enthusiasm and zeal has been observed and noted in my file of your performance thus far. The inability to perform many of the duties that I expect in my contestants, which include the ability of physical contact in public, the inability to make a definitive choice on restaurant selection or movie or most activities, has made me weary. And I dont' know what you've heard in the past but you aren't pretty enough for me to overlook said grievances. You are not entirely ruled out but be forewarned that you are by no means on solid ground with me. Please change your behavior and start showing some excitement or I will have to end your contract and send you home sans parting gifts.

Rachel Ray,
I wish I had your energy. That being said your neverending smile and made up words such as Sammies, Scrambles, and EVOO annoy me in ways comparable to my hatred for poly-vinyl blends. For the love of god please take a quaylude before getting in front of the camera. The fact that you can make meals in under 30 minutes is wonderful and something that I admire, but please don't come up all in my face with that chipmunk on cocaine thing you've got going on..... thx.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Hair baby, there momma, everywhere daddy daddy HAIR!!!

Ok, So taking a page from my counterparts idea I want the blogospheres opinion on hair, namely mine. Now my hair's wavy but can be straightened using a blowdryer and a special straightening iron. It's kinda long-ish now and I've had it longer before but I was thinking of growing it out long enough to do this.....

One of my friends thinks this is pretty much what I look like now just for a frame of reference.....

Putting pictures from my own portfolio in here are pretty misleading as I think my face has changed since I was 19.....

Thoughts? Comments? Concerns?

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Flaming Hot!

So last night I had an actual grown up date with Beck aka Contestant number 1. This included dinner at Clydes in China town and a movie a la Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Burger, delicious, dirty dry bombay martini with 3 olives? also deeelish. So far he hasn't offered to pay and everything has been dutch style. I'm not used to this type of treatment and mommy no likey. In the words of Blanche Deveraux, "I don't want to be treated as your equal, I want to be treated a lot better than you!"

Saw HPATGOF, and while it didn't hold true to the book the way that I would have liked, there were definitely some Hot points of the movie.

Daniel Radcliffe: I'm sorry but can someone start a counter a la Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen fame about when that one turns 18? I know that makes me a total perv but the childs got it going on. I'm sorry but almost naked bath scene? thank you mr. director!

The Phelps Twins: Great hair, and I love the slender look... 1986, only a 4 year difference from me, that's totally acceptable.

Robert Pattinson: As Cedric Diggory, sweet jesus christ on a cracker he's a lovely little piece of wizard. I do however wish he would have taken his shirt off during the lake scene though. The floppy mop hair look is so cute on this one. Also only 4 years....totally legal.

Stanislav Ianevski: Oh.....My.... sweet goodness. First of all the pseudo military uniforms do something to me. Secondly it definitely looks like this one could throw me around like a rag doll.... and in a good way. Plus he was only born 3 years away from me so he's the most likely of the bunch. Plus I'm a sucker for an Eastern European accent.

The ladies also did a good job in this film, I enjoyed Frances de la Tour, always love Maggie Smith, Katie Leung (asian girl with an irish accent?? that is the hotness right there!!!) but the boys definitely stole it for me.

Plot...meh... Special effect....ok. I'd give it about a 7 on a scale from one to I loved the movie like a fat girl loves cake.

On the way to my house from L'enfant Plaza a homeless gentleman tried to stop me and ask me for money. I turned up my ipod and kept walking. He then ran after me and stopped in my way. When I took out my earphones he started yelling at me that I was being so rude and this convo ensued

Dale: Ok you have my attention what do you want?
Homeless Man:You know, you would have stopped if I was white.
Dale: I'm sorry, obviously you have a vision problem.... I"M NOT WHITE!
Homeless Man: Yeah.....well.... can I have 10 dollars?
Dale: First you call me racist, then you ask me for money? A) No, and B) even if I had a free 10 dollars, which I don't, I wouldn't give it to you.
*Insert my turning up of Kelly Clarksons Ms. Independent and Diva Walking away from that man like I was born to it."

Monday, November 28, 2005

Let's Catch Up, Shall We?

Friday morning, I wrote an entry about my Thanksgiving. Since my Turkey day was not the most memorable, it came across bitter and lame, and I deleted it. Friday night, fortunately, made up for my downer on Thursday with a HS reunion. Keep in mind, this wasn't my reunion, but that of some friends. It was the school I attended from grades 1 - 8 and included many people I grew up with. Unlike my high school reunion, where I discovered the following formula,

double-fisting Long Islands + sassing the barbacks = one-way ticket out of the bar,

I decided to be responsible and keep myself in check. This turned out to be a moot point, b/c I was having too much fun catching up with old friends to worry about drinking to numb myself from the people with whom I actually attended HS.

Survey says: Thumbs Up!
(side note: it made me REALLY sentimental for a large part of the day on Saturday, which was rather uncomfortable given I was also nursing a hang over.)

Saturday night, I caught the train back to DC, to avoid traveling on Sunday and all of its misery. I was planning on a nice quiet night at home, but I was so excited to be back in DC (scary!), that I agreed to meet Dale, Dudley, and Katinka to head over to Remington's to pay Mr. Bartender a visit and try to rendezvous with Sean.

My original plan was to grab a beer, maybe two. Instead, I found myself dominating some wine with Dale as we watched Clueless on the N, which then turned into singing the B-52's thanks to karaoke.

Fast forward to the bar: the night has been documented by Dale, Dudley, Mr. Bartender, Sean and others, so I will keep my comments brief:

Dale failed to mention that upon arrival, we both headed to the bathroom. Inside the bathroom, Dale dropped his phone... in the toilet. He will know be referred to as "someone who poops on his phone," since I have the maturity of a 3rd grader when it comes to poop and toilets.

It's pretty clear when I've had too much to drink, b/c I'll easily approach and hit on someone that I probably wouldn't say a word to when I'm sober. Well, Saturday night was no exception. In what I'm chalking up as "drunken flattery," I may have been a little overzealous.

In addition to meeting Katinka, I also had the pleasure of meeting John who writes (part of) one of my favorite blogs. Finally, I returned home, to the corner of Homo Blvd and Queer Street, watched some late night Fresh Prince and called it a night.

Survey says: Thumbs way up!

Sunday, I caught up with the roomie and watched mucho tele. Unlike other weekends, I eliminated the possibility of being productive very early on in the day, thus simultaneously eliminating any feelings of guilt and paving the way for complete enjoyment of unperturbed lazy behavior.

Today was a rough day at work. My increasingly severe disdain for my job was paralyzing for the better part of the day. As a result, I can barely see my desk (or my floor for that matter), I'm no more caught up than I was before the holiday, and I am already trying to think of effective means to kick my butt into gear and start being the productive drone they're paying me to be.

In lighter news, I recently discovered Logo and was reminded why I hate most gay entertainment: they generally sacrifice the quality of the writing, acting, etc. in favor of incorporating gay characters, actors, storylines... While this works in one movie, which I will always love, the shows I saw on Logo were garbage. I did watch all of "Open Bar," however, and it just struck me as a depiction of how not to run a business. Granted, I missed many episodes, but this guy just seems to be incapable of keeping his sh*t together. If you're opening a bar (first of all, don't name it "i candy"), don't have the furniture delivered on the day of the opening. Is that so hard? Also, leave it to a gay man to cry tears of joy when he passes a health inspection. You're on the sidewalk, not the stage! Then again, I've been known to well up during commercials. I guess I'll have to get off my soap box. For now.

Quick Poll!

Yesterday, I forgot to buy shaving cream. As a result, I did not shave this morning and thus look a little scruffy. I generally get bored easily and alter my hair and/or facial hair to keep myself amused. After seeing myself in the mirror a moment ago, I thought of returning to a bearded look for the winter season... Here is where you can influence my decision!

Shall I grow a beard or not?

(For those of you who did not see its original appearance, it's on the fuller side and actually has a slight reddish tint, if that helps... at all.)

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Weekend Roundup........ Mo-rific!!! and kickoff of the holiday season!!

I'll let Chip recount our Saturday night as it is definitely a story to be told. Key points however include....

1). Seeing the bartender in action, how he can put up with so many drunken rando's is beyond me!

2). Finally meeting Monsieur Sean and probably some of his friends, the details are a little hazy to me right now...... p.s. Sean was right, the glittering stars of the DC homo-blogerati were out in full force last night.

3). Singing "Love Shack" with Sean and Chip, I should never ever ever sing in public, ah well I laughed until I peed, and then I laughed at that!

4). Hanging out with Dudley and Ms. Katinka, always a pleasure!!

As per the holiday season I will now begin each week with a little prezzie from me to y'all, called Holiday songs/poems..... Dale Style...... and without further ado:

The night before Christmas in the Gayborhood:

Twas the night before christmas and all through D.C.
Not a person was stirring.... due to that 6th martini.

The stockings were hung, and so were the boys,
Who liked giving presents to Dale, and bringing him toys.

All the Senators were nestled, all snug in their beds,
While visions of that cute intern danced in their heads.

My boyfriend in gucci, I in Yves St. Laurent,
Had just settled down in our townhouse in Dupont.

When I woke with a start, there arose such a ruckus,
I thought the maid had slipped and landed on her tuckus.

Away to the landing I flew like a flash,
all in white velvet, complete with a sash.

The moon shining down on the FABULOUS italian marble floor below,
Gave the christmas tree and chippendale furniture a soft wintry glow.

When what to my slanty, squint eyes should I see?
A little blue box and a card marked...... Tiffany.

With a little white bow all wrapped up and slick,
I needed a drink and I needed one QUICK.

As I downed some Stoli I began to see clearly,
Bush won't really let me get married, I won't be affected too dearly.

I called Chip and Mrs. Jesus, The Boy and all of my friends,
Should I say yes or should I say no? how's this going to end?

I got the same answer from all, all said with a grin,
Take the mans money, for gods sake marry him!!!

The Boy pointed out a very good point,
Now we can take the private plane to Paris and party up the joint!

And then in a twinkling sprang from the bed,
was my boyfriend at the landing, a mink hat on his head.

He was tall and good-looking, like all my boyfriends should be,
and he pointed at the box and said.... yup that's from me.

I opened it slowly, my hands all a twitter,
6 carat princess cut, my how it did glitter!

I was smiling so big, from ear to ear,
With gifts like these, there's only one answer you'll hear.

He put down the box, took my martini glass away,
And we celebrated christmas in our own special way.

Basking in the afterglow, wiping sweat from our brow,
we looked at each other and said, what do you want to do now?

When carolers came to the door in streams,
Instead of three kings, the gay men used queens.

And as the carolers walked on towards Logan Circle and out of sight,
They exclaimed, Merry christmas lucky men, I love your window treatments, are those corinthian columns? who did your drapes? what fabulous tiling on your floor..... Oh yeah, and MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!!!!!!

Happy Kickoff to the HO HO HOMO-Holidays everyone!!!