Tuesday, December 06, 2005

KEEP YOUR ELBOWS OFF THE TABLE

Unfortunately I've noticed that the gay men of Washington D.C. have not been schooled in the ways of etiquette, and as some of you know, my ultimate plan is to begin a finishing school for Gay men. You come out of the closet and you are forced to either attend my classes at Dales Finishing School for the Proper Gay Male or pass my equivalency exam which consist of 3 parts, Club etiquette, Social etiquette, and Restaurant etiquette.

Here is a brief overview of each.

Club Etiquette:

1). It is bad form to not tip or badly tip your bartender, it says not only are you cheap, but you have bad taste, or treat them like they're subservient. Not only are they there to accentuate and complete your club/bar experience, it is ALWAYS bad manners to play it like you're better than anybody else.... you could be the queen of england but I'm sure that b*tch says please and thank you to anyone who's bringing her a Tanq and tonic (I think that's what the royal family has given the royal commendation to)

2). If you show up with someone at a club that's more than a friend and end up making out/macking on someone else you deserve to be the subject of a yelling episode by the person you showed up with....sorry you made your bed...

3). The equivalent of 2 martinis per hour is more than plenty to make you fun to be around, more than that and you aren't fun....you really aren't. btw 2 martinis equals 3-4 Vodka And's or Gin And's....

4). Proper attire does NOT consist of sleeveless T's and god help you if you should wear sandals.... I WILL step on your toes.

5). Unless you've worked as a dancer or taken extensive dance classes, don't dance on a platform, chances are you look like an epileptic chipmunk.

Social Etiquette:

1). Bro's before Ho's.... if you put a hookup before your friend you deserve to have a stilleto shoved up your naughty area..

1a). Don't hook up with your friends crushes or ex's. bad karma people, bad karma.

2). Talking smack about people will come back to you. As the reigning Ms. Congeniality of DC I have NO idea what that's like.........tee hee.

3). Always smile when entering a new place, it increases your face value and besides, your name is not Naomi Campbell and you aren't in a Gucci ad. Smiling makes everyone happy.

4). P's and Q's. this translates to all areas of your life. ALWAYS say please and thank you. All well heeled people know the value of good manners.

Restaurant Etiquette:

1). If you are drinking from a wine glass, hold it by the stem, never the glass. If you are drinking from a martini glass hold also by the stem never by the glass, you don't want all that lovely vodka/gin to get warm PLUS let me just have a special little diatribe on what constitutes a martini..... Gin/Vodka maybe a hint of olive juice, a wisp of vermouth perhaps and Olive/Onion on a skewer.... anything else, even if served in a martini glass is a cocktail NOT a martini. Water glasses all should be held by the glass.

2). When the waiter/server brings you ANYTHING say thank you..... (see above)

3). If sharing a dish, NEVER take the last helping, you should never seem like you're desperate for that last bite even if you haven't eaten in days, take a sip of your water and wait for your next course.

4). When eating your soup course remember this little rhyme, "Like a ship going out to sea, I tip my spoon away from me" spooning your soup towards you isn't cute, neither is loudly slurping (this last part is different if you're talking about some asian soups but this is for the American set)


And here are a couple of Gems just from me to you:

1). walk ALWAYS heel to toe. Runway, Walmart, Cobalt.... heel toe, it's cuter, and it's better for fine leather shoes.... trust me.

2). Trucker hats.... they're done. Recognize.

3). When getting your eyebrows done, less is more.... don't look like Joan Rivers, you aren't Cher.

4). Facial hair.... go hard or go home... goatees? ew. Fu Manchu? EW? either full face or shave it.

Anyways, Applications are available for my finishing school.... but the admissions board of Chip and Myself has been touted as the toughest organization to get into....

25 comments:

Smash said...

Does someone have to be gay to attend? Because, I'd like to send a few guys I know to learn from your brilliant ways.

The Boy said...

I need to make a few comments:

1. I wear flip flops everywhere when it's warm, to bars, to clubs, and I love them and I don't care what anyone thinks.

2. When drinking red wine, it's okay to hold the glass and not the stem.

DC Cookie said...

I agree with your 2 martini rule. Just because I'm double-fisting them...I'm usually talking too much to get through them in less than an hour.

Dale said...

Smash: first I must give back to my community and then go global, how could the mo's in DC have an air of superiority if we were just as uncouth as our hetero counterparts??

Boy:

1: As a former lifeguard and beach bum I can totally see where you're coming from.... but as soon as you get away from the Rehomo/Dewey stri you need to pack up the flip flops and put on the sneaks

2: A common rule for all wine is to hold it by the stem, this not only keeps the glass pristine and smudge free but keeps your body temperature from affecting the wine which in turn will affect the taste. funny though that I don't think the wine stays in the glass long enough in my case for it to make much of a difference.

JP said...

Big ups to your list I'm sure we go only the cliff's notes on this one.
I agree the boy's opinion on red wine.

1) Don't rake your teeth with your fork. It sends chills up the spines of the peeps your dining with, and not in a good way.

2) Can there be a "kick ass arms clause" in the sleeveles T category? Granted, I understand there is a time and place for all things, and I'd say 87-90% of all places are inappropriate Sans-Sleeve places, but surely in hot club where you're gonna lose you shirt anyway...Can I get a ruling on this?

Dale said...

JP: Definitely only an overview, the full lesson plan takes months to get through.

1). Very true, also don't gesture with your utensils, that screams low class.

2). Kick ass arms can be seen through a tight T-shirt. I can understand the allure of sleeveless T-s but am vehemently against them as anything but gym attire.

aklsdjhfa said...

1) I agree with the boy. You don't have to be at the beach to wear flip-flops during the summer. They are not only acceptable, but encouraged!

2) Since Dale refrigerates his red wine, I will be teaching the wine course at the finishing school

Dale said...

Let me clarify my stance on sandals

During the spring summer hell, even fall months I'm out in only sandals usually, but for evening wear I would tend towards shoes cuz A) it's harder to dance in sandals and B) I don't want to get stepped on.

Yes, Chip will be teaching the wine course as well as appropriate attire course. it's unclear as to what I'll be in charge of.... other professors will be announced as they are recruited

Dudley said...

I'm going to have to agree with Chip and The Boy that sandals/flip-flops are appropriate and super adorable during the warmer months (this, of course, is venue specific - i.e. sandals are NOT appropriate dinner wear). The major caveat being that they are worn at the peril of your toes when featured at a bar/club/etc. Yeah, they make look uber cute with that outfit, but don't come crying to me when your toes are toast by the end of the night.

Dop said...

May I also suggest an etiquette class for those who go to the gym?

1). Put the weights back properly where they are supposed to go whether you found them there or not.

2). No reading a book or magazine article between sets. Don't hog the machines.

3). You bought a membership to the GYM, not the Lockerroom. Put your clothes back on and lift a weight now and then.

4). One set of 10 reps will gain you nothing except my disdain. Do 3 sets of 12-15 reps for every exercise - and make 'em count.

5). As previously stated by Mr. Bartender, clean your shitty underwear up off of the lockerroom floor so others don't have to see it.

Dale said...

I believe I can safely announce Dop as our Physical Education expert. Also I agree with all of his gym rules... also, please ALWAYS wear underwear to the gym, nobody wants a sneak peek while you're doing situps....ew.

Dudley said...

There's nothing wrong with reading a magazine between sets as long as you stand next to your machine thus communicating the kind of body language that shows your willingness to let people work in. Not to mention, my iPod is busted, what else am I supposed to do? Stand there and narcissistically pose/stare at myself in the mirror like a vapid muscle queen?

JP said...

Dop: Can you please educate the class on the complete farce that is the jacka$$ who has a phone conversation on the benchpress between sets? "Are you trying to make me kill you?"

Dale said...

JP: I think you and Dop do a lot more at the gym than I do, I stick to the weight machines as the free weights aren't really my speed. I spend more time doing the pilates/yoga/gymnasticy stuff than anything else.

JP said...

Guess I'm a bit of a meat-head. Trust me...all this and brains too.

Dale said...

Body and brains huh? quite the catch I'm sure :)

Kathryn Is So Over said...

So when are you guys going to come to my pilates class? Free passes for all...

Also, for those who indulge, I could certainly do a special, single session on gym CLASS etiquette. Because some of my students are just heathens.

A Unique Alias said...

I love the soup rhyme. I've got to remember that one.

Rhinestone Cowgirl said...

The only one I don't agree with is #18 - beards are just a no-no. Give me a goatee any day.

Dennis! said...

I TOTALLY agree with Club Etiquette #2. (I have prepped a HUGE post on that on my blog, but it hasn't seen the light of day yet.) And definitely Social Etiquette #4 and all the related rules.

Chris said...

I'm gonna have to go with Dale on the sandals. It's fine during the day, but not in a bar or club at night (JR's a possible exception).

Not so sure I agree on the wine/martini glass. I see your point about smudging the glass and altering the taste. But really the alcohol isn't in my glass long enough for that to matter. And you probably don't want to be standing around me if I've had 4 martini's and continue to hold it by the stem. Not pretty.

Jumpah said...

my pinky pops out when I hold the glass by the stem so I just hold it by the glass.
Prof Dale..whats the etiquette with kissing when greeting or saying goodbye..on the lips, cheeks or just a smack??

Dop said...

When I drink a martini, cosmo, or a sidecar (my new favourite bev!!) I order them in a rocks glass instead. Nice and firm, no stems, no accidental splashing when bumped. I think wine should be reserved for sitting at tables. Just my $0.02.

As far as the gym stuff, I dont use my iPod or read while working out. I stretch inbetween reps, hydrate, and change the weights. By the time that is done, the next rep begins. I guess this makes it my $0.04.

Complacent Chase said...

Well Done! Bravo! I think you should open your school up to all men who would like to be a little more refined and classy. lawd knows many of them need some guidance!

Asian Mistress said...

I'm going to make this a handy pocket guide...