Unfortunately I've noticed that the gay men of Washington D.C. have not been schooled in the ways of etiquette, and as some of you know, my ultimate plan is to begin a finishing school for Gay men. You come out of the closet and you are forced to either attend my classes at Dales Finishing School for the Proper Gay Male or pass my equivalency exam which consist of 3 parts, Club etiquette, Social etiquette, and Restaurant etiquette.
Here is a brief overview of each.
1). It is bad form to not tip or badly tip your bartender, it says not only are you cheap, but you have bad taste, or treat them like they're subservient. Not only are they there to accentuate and complete your club/bar experience, it is ALWAYS bad manners to play it like you're better than anybody else.... you could be the queen of england but I'm sure that b*tch says please and thank you to anyone who's bringing her a Tanq and tonic (I think that's what the royal family has given the royal commendation to)
2). If you show up with someone at a club that's more than a friend and end up making out/macking on someone else you deserve to be the subject of a yelling episode by the person you showed up with....sorry you made your bed...
3). The equivalent of 2 martinis per hour is more than plenty to make you fun to be around, more than that and you aren't fun....you really aren't. btw 2 martinis equals 3-4 Vodka And's or Gin And's....
4). Proper attire does NOT consist of sleeveless T's and god help you if you should wear sandals.... I WILL step on your toes.
5). Unless you've worked as a dancer or taken extensive dance classes, don't dance on a platform, chances are you look like an epileptic chipmunk.
1). Bro's before Ho's.... if you put a hookup before your friend you deserve to have a stilleto shoved up your naughty area..
1a). Don't hook up with your friends crushes or ex's. bad karma people, bad karma.
2). Talking smack about people will come back to you. As the reigning Ms. Congeniality of DC I have NO idea what that's like.........tee hee.
3). Always smile when entering a new place, it increases your face value and besides, your name is not Naomi Campbell and you aren't in a Gucci ad. Smiling makes everyone happy.
4). P's and Q's. this translates to all areas of your life. ALWAYS say please and thank you. All well heeled people know the value of good manners.
1). If you are drinking from a wine glass, hold it by the stem, never the glass. If you are drinking from a martini glass hold also by the stem never by the glass, you don't want all that lovely vodka/gin to get warm PLUS let me just have a special little diatribe on what constitutes a martini..... Gin/Vodka maybe a hint of olive juice, a wisp of vermouth perhaps and Olive/Onion on a skewer.... anything else, even if served in a martini glass is a cocktail NOT a martini. Water glasses all should be held by the glass.
2). When the waiter/server brings you ANYTHING say thank you..... (see above)
3). If sharing a dish, NEVER take the last helping, you should never seem like you're desperate for that last bite even if you haven't eaten in days, take a sip of your water and wait for your next course.
4). When eating your soup course remember this little rhyme, "Like a ship going out to sea, I tip my spoon away from me" spooning your soup towards you isn't cute, neither is loudly slurping (this last part is different if you're talking about some asian soups but this is for the American set)
And here are a couple of Gems just from me to you:
1). walk ALWAYS heel to toe. Runway, Walmart, Cobalt.... heel toe, it's cuter, and it's better for fine leather shoes.... trust me.
2). Trucker hats.... they're done. Recognize.
3). When getting your eyebrows done, less is more.... don't look like Joan Rivers, you aren't Cher.
4). Facial hair.... go hard or go home... goatees? ew. Fu Manchu? EW? either full face or shave it.
Anyways, Applications are available for my finishing school.... but the admissions board of Chip and Myself has been touted as the toughest organization to get into....