I'm Sorry...... Project Runway this season has some uuuugggggglllllly and sad people on it. Phew, that felt good to get out there.... now let me do a little teensy review of each of our fair contestants.
I'm including this girl cuz I mean really..... you married Seal.... what the hell is wrong with you? Otherwise you're fabulous and I heart you.
Andrae: you're a whiney little c*&t and you look like Jack Skellington from this movie with icky pock marked skin pulled over it, I wouldn't wear your clothes if you paid me.
Chloe: you're a little sassy, a little saucy, I'll let you go for now, but be warned, the asian card only works once.
Daniel F.: I guess losing wasn't good enough once. You'd think between then and now you would have changed your hideous toupee looking haircut. blagh.
Daniel V: Hair, cut it, Nose.... cut it. Designs? boxy and unimaginative.... please come back when you aren't so wet behind the ears, there's already one Zac posen and you aren't him.
Diana: Oh honey, geeky asian darling.... magnets in clothes is bad news bears. also think about looking into a mousse product, big hair may not be in but nobody likes having a limp mop on top of their heads.
Emmett: See I think you're actually kind of cute.... Established, well heeled, and piercing blue eyes and a square jaw.... yes you may take me out to dinner.
Guadalupe: holy yikes batman.... you said your parents were boat people? time to get back in the dinghy darlin..... wow you're just a whole ball of yikes, bad hair, bad facial features, bad makeup....
Heidi: just as perky as your name, sweet jesus I'm glad they cut your country A$$.
John: You're like Jay McCarrol, the whole fat and jovial thing worked once but lighting don't strike twice sweetheart.... bye bye.
Kara: Points for the whole south african thing, that's hot. Minus points however for that whole Alanis/Mona Lisa thing going on.... come on do you REALLY need to call attention to that forehead???
Kirsten: Botox, learn it, live it, love it. i actually really like her stuff, sexy and classy. rock on with your bad self.
Marla: As a GW grad I have to give you props, also as a mother of a 26 year old.... hello!!! dale is unacommpanied at the moment!!!! However your name IS Marla... bet they gave you crap for that one at Hova....
Nick: While you look like Aladdins gay uncle I like your style. the facial hair works for you, but the sweatbands? darling? they're done.
Raymundo: Everytime you open your mouth I cringe, sweet jesus can we start a Raymundo's teeth make me want to cry please get them fixed fund?? Not to mention how you overshared about your relationship with your father in the interview and are annoyingly gay.... blah. I hope you get cut soon, you bother me. BESIDES THE FACT THAT YOUR NAME IS RAYMUNDO.... I expect to see you on telemundo soon...
Santino: you look like a scary magician. I don't like designers that I'm afraid of, which is why to this day I refuse to wear Versace... Donatella looks too much like the queen of the undead.
Zulema: Darling the part of your hair down the middle makes you look like you have an old split wig on... please do something about that. Plus your clothes make you look like you sat around a strip club for inspiration, and not one of the classy ones.... one of the ones that lets their strippers work into their third tri-mester.....
And there you have it, project runway...... I'll be watching!!!!!!!!! (Except for not this Wednesday as I and every other hot mo' will be making the 17th st. rounds for the annual holiday parties)