Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Say It Loud and Say It Proud!

I loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove Rachael Ray!

In keeping with the recent letter theme...

Dear readers,

It has come to my attention that there are many people who have a strong disdain for the Food Network's Rachael Ray. While I have not addressed this issue here before, I feel as though I must present my thoughts on the matter since Dale brought her name up in an earlier post. If you find yourself in agreement with these people, please resort to the following plan:

1) Get over yourself.
2) Back off my girl.
3) Get a life.

I understand that the egos in this city could fill an ocean, so step 1 may represent serious problems for a lot of you, but I emplore that you make an honest effort.

It's fairly obvious, but I'd like to point out that Rachael Ray has been blowing up since she joined the Food Network a few years ago, moreso than any other network personality. From modest beginnings in New York, she is on the verge (if not already there) of developing a multi-media empire. Television, books and now magazines, this woman is better than you. All of you. And don't you forget it.

I will never claim that she is without any short-comings. However, the majority of her critics fail to develop a convincing argument. The following arguments fail to make the cut:

1) She makes up her own words and abbreviations.
Response: And your point is? You are a F.I. (f*cking idiot!)
2) She has too much energy.
Response: Are you jealous? So what if she has energy? Ahem, Dale, you should not be one to mock others for having excessive levels of energy
3) You can't cook her meals in 30 minutes.
Resopnse: Simple, really. She prepares for her time in the kitchen better than you.
4) The snob argument.
Response: This argument takes on a number of forms, but what it boils (pun intended!) down to is that many chefs feel as though she is causing the "death of American cooking." There is no evidence for this whatsoever. A converse position is the claim that she is introducing cooking to a large number of people who would otherwise stay away from the kitchen entirely. Perhaps she is akin to a "gateway chef," meaning someone who inspires viewers / readers to try their hand at cooking, and once they feel more comfortable in the kitchen, they can seek out other outlets for more advanced recipes and advice.
5) Her cooking is loaded with sodium, cheese and oil.
Response: Obviously! Why do you think I find myself drooling from 6 - 7 each weekday? I don't understand how or why she is incapable of admitting that her food is not the best, health wise. Then again, everything in moderation! This argument, although justified, is not sufficient to support any feeling even remotely close to "hatred" for this woman.

If anyone can present me with a convincing argument as to why Rachael Ray, Goddess among peasants, deserves to be mistreated, I am open to your input.

I understand that I am in a minority with these viewpoints, especially within the blogosphere. With that in mind, I hesitated before I decided to write this post. Then I remembered that anyone who has a problem with me on this issue can send me an email, and we can make arrangements for you to kiss my a$$.

Yours truly,

From the desk of Dale

These are several letters that I would like to write in order to express my "feelings", which I put into quotations due to the theoretical nature of any "emotions" I may have.

Dear Asian gym queen at Ballys,
Please refrain from wearing your princess leia headphones at the gym. They aren't cute. Also please refrain from giving dirty looks to people such as myself who look like a scrub at the gym just because you spend 20 minutes beforehand in the locker room fixing your hair before you come out. Honestly even if you spent 20 hours in front of the mirror it wouldn't help the genetic disaster that is your face. Thx. oh another ps..... red shorts and a yellow sleeveless T doesn't equal a cute outfit on you, it equals an ad for McDonalds Shanghai.

Dear Barbara Wa Wa,
Please consult a physician, it's obvious you have had a stroke. Anyone who names Camilla, duchess of Cornwall (from here on and forever after referred to as Countess Horseface) as the most interesting person of 2005 should have at the very least a CAT scan, not to mention a cocktail for making such a baaaad decision.
Kisses, call me for that primetime interview lata.

Contestant #1,
Your lack of enthusiasm and zeal has been observed and noted in my file of your performance thus far. The inability to perform many of the duties that I expect in my contestants, which include the ability of physical contact in public, the inability to make a definitive choice on restaurant selection or movie or most activities, has made me weary. And I dont' know what you've heard in the past but you aren't pretty enough for me to overlook said grievances. You are not entirely ruled out but be forewarned that you are by no means on solid ground with me. Please change your behavior and start showing some excitement or I will have to end your contract and send you home sans parting gifts.

Rachel Ray,
I wish I had your energy. That being said your neverending smile and made up words such as Sammies, Scrambles, and EVOO annoy me in ways comparable to my hatred for poly-vinyl blends. For the love of god please take a quaylude before getting in front of the camera. The fact that you can make meals in under 30 minutes is wonderful and something that I admire, but please don't come up all in my face with that chipmunk on cocaine thing you've got going on..... thx.

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Hair baby, there momma, everywhere daddy daddy HAIR!!!

Ok, So taking a page from my counterparts idea I want the blogospheres opinion on hair, namely mine. Now my hair's wavy but can be straightened using a blowdryer and a special straightening iron. It's kinda long-ish now and I've had it longer before but I was thinking of growing it out long enough to do this.....

One of my friends thinks this is pretty much what I look like now just for a frame of reference.....

Putting pictures from my own portfolio in here are pretty misleading as I think my face has changed since I was 19.....

Thoughts? Comments? Concerns?

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Flaming Hot!

So last night I had an actual grown up date with Beck aka Contestant number 1. This included dinner at Clydes in China town and a movie a la Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. Burger, delicious, dirty dry bombay martini with 3 olives? also deeelish. So far he hasn't offered to pay and everything has been dutch style. I'm not used to this type of treatment and mommy no likey. In the words of Blanche Deveraux, "I don't want to be treated as your equal, I want to be treated a lot better than you!"

Saw HPATGOF, and while it didn't hold true to the book the way that I would have liked, there were definitely some Hot points of the movie.

Daniel Radcliffe: I'm sorry but can someone start a counter a la Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen fame about when that one turns 18? I know that makes me a total perv but the childs got it going on. I'm sorry but almost naked bath scene? thank you mr. director!

The Phelps Twins: Great hair, and I love the slender look... 1986, only a 4 year difference from me, that's totally acceptable.

Robert Pattinson: As Cedric Diggory, sweet jesus christ on a cracker he's a lovely little piece of wizard. I do however wish he would have taken his shirt off during the lake scene though. The floppy mop hair look is so cute on this one. Also only 4 years....totally legal.

Stanislav Ianevski: Oh.....My.... sweet goodness. First of all the pseudo military uniforms do something to me. Secondly it definitely looks like this one could throw me around like a rag doll.... and in a good way. Plus he was only born 3 years away from me so he's the most likely of the bunch. Plus I'm a sucker for an Eastern European accent.

The ladies also did a good job in this film, I enjoyed Frances de la Tour, always love Maggie Smith, Katie Leung (asian girl with an irish accent?? that is the hotness right there!!!) but the boys definitely stole it for me.

Plot...meh... Special effect....ok. I'd give it about a 7 on a scale from one to I loved the movie like a fat girl loves cake.

On the way to my house from L'enfant Plaza a homeless gentleman tried to stop me and ask me for money. I turned up my ipod and kept walking. He then ran after me and stopped in my way. When I took out my earphones he started yelling at me that I was being so rude and this convo ensued

Dale: Ok you have my attention what do you want?
Homeless Man:You know, you would have stopped if I was white.
Dale: I'm sorry, obviously you have a vision problem.... I"M NOT WHITE!
Homeless Man: Yeah.....well.... can I have 10 dollars?
Dale: First you call me racist, then you ask me for money? A) No, and B) even if I had a free 10 dollars, which I don't, I wouldn't give it to you.
*Insert my turning up of Kelly Clarksons Ms. Independent and Diva Walking away from that man like I was born to it."

Monday, November 28, 2005

Let's Catch Up, Shall We?

Friday morning, I wrote an entry about my Thanksgiving. Since my Turkey day was not the most memorable, it came across bitter and lame, and I deleted it. Friday night, fortunately, made up for my downer on Thursday with a HS reunion. Keep in mind, this wasn't my reunion, but that of some friends. It was the school I attended from grades 1 - 8 and included many people I grew up with. Unlike my high school reunion, where I discovered the following formula,

double-fisting Long Islands + sassing the barbacks = one-way ticket out of the bar,

I decided to be responsible and keep myself in check. This turned out to be a moot point, b/c I was having too much fun catching up with old friends to worry about drinking to numb myself from the people with whom I actually attended HS.

Survey says: Thumbs Up!
(side note: it made me REALLY sentimental for a large part of the day on Saturday, which was rather uncomfortable given I was also nursing a hang over.)

Saturday night, I caught the train back to DC, to avoid traveling on Sunday and all of its misery. I was planning on a nice quiet night at home, but I was so excited to be back in DC (scary!), that I agreed to meet Dale, Dudley, and Katinka to head over to Remington's to pay Mr. Bartender a visit and try to rendezvous with Sean.

My original plan was to grab a beer, maybe two. Instead, I found myself dominating some wine with Dale as we watched Clueless on the N, which then turned into singing the B-52's thanks to karaoke.

Fast forward to the bar: the night has been documented by Dale, Dudley, Mr. Bartender, Sean and others, so I will keep my comments brief:

Dale failed to mention that upon arrival, we both headed to the bathroom. Inside the bathroom, Dale dropped his phone... in the toilet. He will know be referred to as "someone who poops on his phone," since I have the maturity of a 3rd grader when it comes to poop and toilets.

It's pretty clear when I've had too much to drink, b/c I'll easily approach and hit on someone that I probably wouldn't say a word to when I'm sober. Well, Saturday night was no exception. In what I'm chalking up as "drunken flattery," I may have been a little overzealous.

In addition to meeting Katinka, I also had the pleasure of meeting John who writes (part of) one of my favorite blogs. Finally, I returned home, to the corner of Homo Blvd and Queer Street, watched some late night Fresh Prince and called it a night.

Survey says: Thumbs way up!

Sunday, I caught up with the roomie and watched mucho tele. Unlike other weekends, I eliminated the possibility of being productive very early on in the day, thus simultaneously eliminating any feelings of guilt and paving the way for complete enjoyment of unperturbed lazy behavior.

Today was a rough day at work. My increasingly severe disdain for my job was paralyzing for the better part of the day. As a result, I can barely see my desk (or my floor for that matter), I'm no more caught up than I was before the holiday, and I am already trying to think of effective means to kick my butt into gear and start being the productive drone they're paying me to be.

In lighter news, I recently discovered Logo and was reminded why I hate most gay entertainment: they generally sacrifice the quality of the writing, acting, etc. in favor of incorporating gay characters, actors, storylines... While this works in one movie, which I will always love, the shows I saw on Logo were garbage. I did watch all of "Open Bar," however, and it just struck me as a depiction of how not to run a business. Granted, I missed many episodes, but this guy just seems to be incapable of keeping his sh*t together. If you're opening a bar (first of all, don't name it "i candy"), don't have the furniture delivered on the day of the opening. Is that so hard? Also, leave it to a gay man to cry tears of joy when he passes a health inspection. You're on the sidewalk, not the stage! Then again, I've been known to well up during commercials. I guess I'll have to get off my soap box. For now.

Quick Poll!

Yesterday, I forgot to buy shaving cream. As a result, I did not shave this morning and thus look a little scruffy. I generally get bored easily and alter my hair and/or facial hair to keep myself amused. After seeing myself in the mirror a moment ago, I thought of returning to a bearded look for the winter season... Here is where you can influence my decision!

Shall I grow a beard or not?

(For those of you who did not see its original appearance, it's on the fuller side and actually has a slight reddish tint, if that helps... at all.)

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Weekend Roundup........ Mo-rific!!! and kickoff of the holiday season!!

I'll let Chip recount our Saturday night as it is definitely a story to be told. Key points however include....

1). Seeing the bartender in action, how he can put up with so many drunken rando's is beyond me!

2). Finally meeting Monsieur Sean and probably some of his friends, the details are a little hazy to me right now...... p.s. Sean was right, the glittering stars of the DC homo-blogerati were out in full force last night.

3). Singing "Love Shack" with Sean and Chip, I should never ever ever sing in public, ah well I laughed until I peed, and then I laughed at that!

4). Hanging out with Dudley and Ms. Katinka, always a pleasure!!

As per the holiday season I will now begin each week with a little prezzie from me to y'all, called Holiday songs/poems..... Dale Style...... and without further ado:

The night before Christmas in the Gayborhood:

Twas the night before christmas and all through D.C.
Not a person was stirring.... due to that 6th martini.

The stockings were hung, and so were the boys,
Who liked giving presents to Dale, and bringing him toys.

All the Senators were nestled, all snug in their beds,
While visions of that cute intern danced in their heads.

My boyfriend in gucci, I in Yves St. Laurent,
Had just settled down in our townhouse in Dupont.

When I woke with a start, there arose such a ruckus,
I thought the maid had slipped and landed on her tuckus.

Away to the landing I flew like a flash,
all in white velvet, complete with a sash.

The moon shining down on the FABULOUS italian marble floor below,
Gave the christmas tree and chippendale furniture a soft wintry glow.

When what to my slanty, squint eyes should I see?
A little blue box and a card marked...... Tiffany.

With a little white bow all wrapped up and slick,
I needed a drink and I needed one QUICK.

As I downed some Stoli I began to see clearly,
Bush won't really let me get married, I won't be affected too dearly.

I called Chip and Mrs. Jesus, The Boy and all of my friends,
Should I say yes or should I say no? how's this going to end?

I got the same answer from all, all said with a grin,
Take the mans money, for gods sake marry him!!!

The Boy pointed out a very good point,
Now we can take the private plane to Paris and party up the joint!

And then in a twinkling sprang from the bed,
was my boyfriend at the landing, a mink hat on his head.

He was tall and good-looking, like all my boyfriends should be,
and he pointed at the box and said.... yup that's from me.

I opened it slowly, my hands all a twitter,
6 carat princess cut, my how it did glitter!

I was smiling so big, from ear to ear,
With gifts like these, there's only one answer you'll hear.

He put down the box, took my martini glass away,
And we celebrated christmas in our own special way.

Basking in the afterglow, wiping sweat from our brow,
we looked at each other and said, what do you want to do now?

When carolers came to the door in streams,
Instead of three kings, the gay men used queens.

And as the carolers walked on towards Logan Circle and out of sight,
They exclaimed, Merry christmas lucky men, I love your window treatments, are those corinthian columns? who did your drapes? what fabulous tiling on your floor..... Oh yeah, and MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!!!!!!

Happy Kickoff to the HO HO HOMO-Holidays everyone!!!

Friday, November 25, 2005

Black Friday.... My stomach is soooooo unhappy with me right now.

Ok so. I didn't wake up in my own apartment on Thanksgiving. After having a gorge-fest of a dinner at Obelisk with the rent's and the little sister, whom I'm grooming btw to be as big a diva as I am, I went to blockbuster and rented Anchorman, which obviously deserves an oscar....obvy. P.S. during dinner at Obelisk my parents had an exchange that went like this..... post martinis and bottle 1 of wine:

Mom: Boy I'm really hungry
Dad: Did you just say you were really horny??
Dale: oh god, waitress I'll need another martini, but this time don't make it dirty, I don't want the olive water to take up any room from the gin.

I then proceeded, in the slush storm that is so ubiquitous in DC, to go to contestant number 1's apt. and changed into sweats. P.S. I can sell the sweat pants sitting low on the hips look like it's my JOB. Put on the movie and the soporific effects of the Sea bass/duck/assortment of tuscan cheeses/prosciutto/ cheesecake/martinis/wine were fully realized and in the middle of kissy face sessions I fell asleep and proceeded to snore and drool....... such a hot look for me.

Ended up spending the evening, the family values tour is still in full effect and my virtue has not been compromised! cuddling on a cold night was just what the doctor ordered...not to mention the egyptian cotton sheets and goose down comforter and pillows.

Thanksgiving morning woke up, started off the festivities with contestant number one and then proceeded to put on my coat and get the EF out the door as I had to get my besty A and myself to the rents house in the suburban hell.

Armed with Venti gingerbread lattes, Blockbuster rentals for post gorging, and sunglasses to shield me as much as possible from the onslaught of relatives we headed to MoCo, land of the Jap.

After visiting my grandfather and great aunt at their nursing home(aunt is too frail to travel, so we set her up in her red velour jump suit a la J-lo fame with a full thanksgiving dinner) We then traversed the great expanses of 270 to my mothers twin brothers house in *GASP* Fredneck (aka Frederick). I kept expecting to be the target of hate crime, instead I ended up committing a hate crime on my stomach with all the food.

Went straight for the vino, hung out with random cousins, 4 of the 5 of which have blonde hair and blue eyes. 2 of whom are older than I am and I pretended to give half a crap as they were talking about their "jobs". One is in directional drilling which as far as I can tell involves drilling holes in the ground for wires to pass through, obviously requires a college education, his parents must be so proud. The other of which does general construction work. It's a shame too that they don't have regular jobs because they're both as tall as I am and played lacrosse all their lives so have that whole meat head jock thing going on. Oh well they're dumb as rocks and I make them feel bad about themselves any chance I get. That'll teach those bastards to give me a wedgie when I was little.

Dale: "So (Cousin A) what do you think should be done about the situation in Darfur?"
Cousin A: I've never liked chinese food.
Dale: *quiet snigger* what a moron.

I then obviously proceeded to gorge on the massive amounts of food. yum

Afterwards, and because A was feeling a bit sous the weather, we headed back into the District where I made sure that she was set up with a blanket, tea, chicken soup, and movies, and then I traversed to Mrs. Jesus thanksgiving celebration!!! Now let me say that that Lady can turn thanksgiving out like she was born to it. The naming of the bird had already taken place and Kylie was a delectable treat! After a couple of much needed vodka tonics (mumsy and daddykins had drunk all the vodka, both foreign and domestic, so there was none for me), Mr. Bartender then put on some dolly, I love me some Ms. Dolly, nine to five? I think so..... Hard candy christmas?? I THINK SO....

Mrs. Jesus, Mr. Bartender, BGK and his accessory (bf), the brother of BGK, and assorted friends at the celebration capped off thanksgiving in a way that I hope will be repeated in the future!!! except for the windy walk to J.R.s post dinner, that was not a good look for me. We definitely drunk dialed the boy and Chip at some point in the evening, I mean spreading the love is a necessity at such a point.

I am now recovering....I am in pain.... my body is paying me back for the abuse I placed on it yesterday..... I need to get some alcohol in me before I start my day.....

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Wednesday Five..... it's a holiday week so sue me

So I'm stealing a topic from the boy, and listing five random and embarassing facts about me that I think are funny, so I'm not original.....bite me.

1). When I was in the first grade I was in my first fashion show..... I wore an entire outfit that my mother and grandfather and great grandmother had knitted for me. Pants, jacket complete with big brass buttons, and a knit cap. And yet I still knew my marks on the runway and worked that crap like it was my job...... good practice for later on :).

2). The one and only time I was offerred cocaine the conversation went exactly like this

Gentleman: Hey how's it going
Dale: Fine
Gentleman: Would you like some coke?
Dale: Oh no thank you I already have a drink.
* Insert awkward robot dance here*

No joke.

3).My parents made me play little league for 3 seasons. I hated it. I was afraid of the ball (any jokes about balls coming at my face can and will be stricken from the record). My only catch when when I was playing right field was a fly ball directly to me and I had my eyes closed and my arm reached out a la Sandlot fame. BTW I still have the ball.

4). When I was 6 I was visiting my dad at his office..... having to go to the bathroom I ran down the hall and into a meeting that the secretary of my fathers department and while holding my "area" asked the secretary of xxxxx at the time where the potty was. P.S. to this day he calls both myself and my father "buddy"

5). When I was 9 and during my first 200 IM I started out on fire. The track goes Back, Breast, Fly, Free. During my last 25 of Free I heard all the people cheering for me. In true Ethel Merman style I stopped in the middle of my race and started waving to all the people cheering for me who obviously started yelling at me to finish the race. I was too busy pandering to my adoring public..... once an attention whore always an attention whore..

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Philadelphia Freedom!

This past weekend, I had a wonderfully exhausting trip to Philly, Nueva Jersey and New Yawk. My time in the Dirty Jerz was spent with family, most of which I hadn't seen in either 7 or 9 years, so it was great to catch up, and we're already planning a mini reunion in early '06. After family time, and a high school-like escapade to sneak cigarettes for my sister and two cousins, I hopped on NJ transit and headed to New York.

I have a love/hate relationship with New York; there is very little about it that does not evoke strong feelings of joy or disdain. Arriving at Penn Station, I was immediately given the boost by high rises (DC just does not feel like a city to me), lights, people, and the sense I've constructed in my head that I was in a diverse city. After a quick catch up with one of my best friends from college, during which he modeled and showed off some of his purchases for the day, while I desperately tried to convince him that pleated pants are unacceptable, we headed for a bar on the upper east. We got to the bar, and I hated New York. It was like Adams Morgan on a Saturday night, but worse. Insanely crowded, and every guy eyeing me up as if I'm trying to move in on their slutty (and ugly) girl, I was quickly in a fould mood. However, I put on my happy face, pounded my drink, and waited politely for us to leave.

Our next destination was a "club" downtown. Generally, I hate clubs, a lot. Too crowded, too trashy, just not my thing. I was skeptical, but we were going to see some other school peeps, and I desperately wanted to get out of bar # 1, so off we went. Luckily, this place was more like a lounge, we got in for free, it wasn't too crowded, the clientele was classy but not arrogant, and I bumped into a friend from school (unexpectedly) who lived on my freshman floor. Simply put, I had a blast. I had spent the day with family, so I'd been drinking for almost 12 hours, but I didn't get too drunk, fortunately.

Sunday, some friends and I went to see the Iggles take on the G-Men at the Meadowlands. Unlike last year, the Iggles suck, and they lost. A bit of a buzzkill, but it was still a good time. However, the excessive use of "gay" of "fag" to deride opposing teams' fans and confirm one's own masculinity is something that will always aggravate me. The majority of the people who do this don't give such statements any thought (well, when I said stuff like that as a kid, I sure didn't), but I'm not sure they'd care even if they did. Do I consider such behavior pathetic because I find it offensive or I've matured? Probably a combination. I just wanted to turn around and say, "No, if they were sucking each other's d*cks, THAT would be gay!"

Last night I had my first experience at Merkado for my roommate's birthday, and it was nothing short of delicious. I'm looking forward to going back, although I wanna check out P Street Bistro as well. My train leaves in 8 hours! I'm absolutely thrilled to be getting away (again) and enjoying Thanksgiving. During the coming out phase of my sister and I a few years ago, family holidays were generally a downer, but lately they've been great. It's a combination of my (immediate) family moving beyond the gay thing as well as my own development of a greater appreciation for my family as I mature. Either way, I'm stoked.

Tonight I'm spending the night in Philly with another one of my closest friends from school for what is becoming an annual tradition!

Lastly, it is November 22, and I got my first Christmas present! As some of you may know, ever since I purchased Elton John's Greatest Hits about 6 weeks ago, I have been on a HUGE Elton kick. This morning, a great friend of mine presented me with Elton John's Christmas Party! I am already excited by the fact that I a) now own a Christmas CD and b) any CD with old school Outkast is always appreciated!

To all of you who are traveling, be safe and enjoy your Thanksgiving!


Why I'm Thankful for Thanksgiving

Ok so I'm sure my Thanksgiving will be filled with my mother getting drunk and setting relatives on fire, my aunt and grandfather sitting in the corner with the sushi that my aunt will invariably bring in her purse, and me trying to stay sober enough to not pass out and drunk enough to put up with the mayhem.

However at one point I'm sure everything will slow down and I'll give a little silent thanks to the crazy people with whom I share my genetic legacy, because at one time, when all my chips were down they came together and saved me.

In the Spring/Summer of 1999 I received a scholarship through the U.S. Senate called the Japan/U.S. Senate Exchange program. I was to go to Japan and study in a Japanese HS and give a couple talks to various gov't organizations in Japan as a youth representative of the United States. We had a week of etiquette training beforehand with reps from the State Department as well as the foreign exchange company that was to be our contacts.

At this point I'm 17 mind you.

My Japanese at this point was conversational at best, having grown up around my grandmother who spoke fluent japanese I learned by diffusion and could speak Jinglish really well.

I arrived in Japan and after giving a speech at the ministry of Education in Tokyo was on my way to meet my host family. I must have pissed off somebody because they put me with a host family that was 30 minutes away by bike from the nearest train station and in the middle of two mountains surrounded by rice paddies.

After introductions and the exchange of gifts.... I brought Chanel No. 5 for my host mother and grandmother and Baltimore Orioles hats for my host brother and father. They presented me with 2 yukata (summer kimono) and a set of laquered chopsticks that I was to eat with for the duration of my stay. I thought everything was going along really well until I opened the photo album I had brought of my family, My grandparents and me all in kimono at the Cherry blossom festival, Pictures of my grandmother teaching me Sa-Do the tea ceremony or Bon-Odori, traditional japanese dance.......... and then a family portrait of my immediate family. My mother, a German/American, wasn't exactly what they had had in mind when they'd signed up for the nice Japanese/American student with the Japanese last name. The only thing I can compare it to would be to say how someone who was Mulatto would have been treated in Alabama in the 1970's.

From that point on I was an embarassment to their house and their family. They would call me names on the phone to their friends thinking I wouldn't be able to understand.... I did. They would refer to me as the "stupid dog" which, in a country with no formal curse words is pretty damn bad. The only time that I had refuge was at school when my teachers would applaud how good my japanese had gotten in a short time.... yours would too btw if nothing was in english. I took classes in tea ceremony, biology (seibutsugaku), Music (Ongaku), and Judo. I also helped teach the english classes by serving as a sounding board for the HS students, I loved school. And then everything went to hell.............................

I didn't complain about what was going on to my family, or to my friends. I didn't realize that when I'd write letters to anyone that wasn't in my immediate family my host mother would throw them away on her way to the post office. The medication I had brought with me I was apparently too dumb to allocate myself so my host family would give me my medication in the morning. I didn't know about the letters and figured I was doing something wrong to make them treat me this way.

It all came to a head after I had given a talk to the Kyoto minister of foreign affairs and had stayed an extra night in the city with another J.U.S.E scholarship person. Apparently that was a no no. Upon returning my host family, 4 of them, sat across a table from me (p.s. did I mention that to make them happy I'd been wearing a kimono for the past month?) and told me what a horrible exchange student I was and how my family must be so unhappy with me and why didn't I know all the ins and outs of Japanese etiquette and what a stupid child I was and how I didn't try hard enough.... etc. etc. and so forth and so on in that fashion.

Now at this point I took advantage of a trick that my grandparents taught me a loooong time ago. When they were my age they were in internment camps in Utah and my grandfather was fighting a war for a country that didn't want him. They had to put up with much more than I did and learned how to shut down on the inside so that at the very least they'd feel numb instead of letting people get to them. So this is what I did.

My host mother informed me that I was being punished, and gave me a handbook that the exchange program I had gone through had supplied me with dictating what makes a good exchange student. I was to memorize this so I would know how to behave. She then said I wasn't to leave my room anymore except to use the restroom. Then she put most of the food away in a locked closet so that the only things that were left were things that I didn't know how to make for myself and couldn't very well have.

For 4 days the only thing I had to eat was two bags of peanut M&M's. The only thing I did all day was listen to a cd my friend had made me before I left and the soundtrack to Rent. To this day I can recite every single word to every single song verbatim.

On the fourth day I knew that if I didn't get out of there I was afraid of what was going to happen to me. thankfully the book that my host mother had given back to me had an emergency number in the back which I hadn't seen before. At 3 in the morning I crept out of my room and took the only phone in the house back to my bedroom. I stuffed towels under the doors and pushed the bed out so I could talk from behind it and muffle the sound as much as possible.

I called the number and a woman picked up. I proceeded to tell her what was going on and she thought that I was just homesick and making things up. She said she'd look into it tomorrow and hung up on me. Now by this time I was crying so hard I could barely see and trying to be as quiet as possible so as not to wake anyone.

I then called my grandparents, and my parents in succession, almost not being coherent as I was sobbing into the phone about how sick I felt and how scared I was. Now I had studied alone in France when I was 14 and not once had my parents or grandparents gotten any type of phone call like that so they knew something was up.

This is when my family turned into what I refer to as Turbo-Terminator family. Now my father at the time was a political appointee so he got on the phone with the state department and subsequently the American Consulate closest to where I was staying. My grandparents who have ties at the Japanese Embassy in D.C. and to the Japanese government broke out the rolodex and started calling everyone they knew. My grandfathers sister also still lives in Japan and she was woken up as well. My parents told me to wait half an hour and call back, at this point I was too afraid what was going to happen to me if my lines of communication were totally cut and didn't want to alert my host family to what was going on.

Half an hour later I called my family who had turned my parents house into HQ central as my mom's sister, my parents, my grandparents, and my crazy great aunt were all using separate lines to figure a way out of the situation. My father told me the number of the American consulate which was waiting for my telephone call and said that I didn't need to call him back as he would be getting updates from someone from the consulate.

I called the consulate and in sobbing japanese told the operator who I was. I was immediately transferred to a lady who asked me in japanese what my name was and what was going on, now for those of you that have seen the simpsons episode where bart suddendly knows how to speak french after suffering at the hands of the horrible wine makers, this is what happened to me. I was able to communicate that I hadn't eaten in 4 days, that I wasn't allowed to have control of my own medication, and that if I didn't get out of there soon I was going to run away.... that I had a platinum visa and that I thought that I could get on the train and to Kyoto and finally to the airport, that I was desperate enough to risk my host family calling the police and dragging me back to their house.

My biggest fear was that I'd try to leave, they would call the police and bring me back and it would be my word against theirs.... and who would you believe? A family that was well respected in the area or the word of a 17 year old foreigner who's family had fled the country?

The lady on the other end of the line then spoke in perfect english, obvy she was american, that hadn't occurred to me. She said my japanese was great and that I needed to calm down and listen carefully to her. I was to quietly pack all my things and wait, and that in about 6 hours a van would come to take me to my grandfathers sisters house which was quite far from where I currently was, and if there was any further problems and I could get to a phone, she gave me her personal cell number and said that if anything happened she'd alert the authorities and someone would be there immediately.

I packed my one suitcase and sat on the bed clutching it, scared shhhh$%less. My host family woke up soon after that and saw the phone missing, came storming into my bedroom and started screaming at me. I have never been calmer in my life and quietly responded to them what I had done and that I was to be leaving. They left the room and came back in about a minute, I had two bottles of Chanel no. 5 thrown at me and I watched as two Orioles hats were cut up in front of me. Then my host father came into the room with the chopsticks that I had been given and handed them to me, saying that they were too dirty for anyone in that house to ever use again.

Then..... the phone rang. It wasn't the state department, it wasn't the japanese government, it wasn't my parents. It was my 85 year old grandmother who, at her tallest stood about 5'. Always with a hairdo that looked like black cotton candy and a smile which I'm glad to say I inherited. I have never heard her raise her voice or speak in a harsh manner. After asking to speak to me and making sure I was all taken care of, she asked to speak to my host mother. Not ten minutes had gone by before my host mother was crying. The women in my family have a knack for making people cry over the phone and I still don't know what my grandmother said to make my host mother cry but there she was, a 5' tall force of malevolence whose baby had been messed with, making a woman cry thousands of miles away. I'm pretty sure my grandmother at one point threatened the life of my host family and probably made vague references to the yakuza, which were still not 100% sure about......

The van showed up soon after that and under the watchful eye of the nice woman who I talked to on the phone at the consulate and a member of the U.S. army, I put my bag in the trunk and left for my Grandfathers sisters house. I stayed there for a week before boarding a plane back to the States.... and when I got off the plane at National I was greeted by my entire family, all of whom were crying, partly because I was finally home and safe, and partly because I had lost 30 pounds and had dark circles under my eyes. So basically I was 6'3" and 100 pounds, for a while after that I had to go to the hospital regularly because my blood pressure was higher laying down than standing up which is V. V. bad.

I plan on going back to Japan someday, I'm the only person in my family that's ever been and my grandfather has actually never met his sister in person, she was given to a family friend who was barren when she was born and doesn't remember ever living in the U.S. But now I have pictures and letters of all my relatives in Japan.... not to mention the fact that her husband owns a shopping mall :).

......So..... When I'm sitting around the table on Thursday stuffing my face with turkey, and stuffing and sushi and Agedashi and Pie, I will look out the window with my glass of probably Vodka tonic and give a silent thanks.... To my grandfather who stood steadfast, to my crazy aunt who screamed at Japanese officials from Tokyo to Kyoto and back, to my parents who yelled at every diplomat from the U.S. to Japan, especially to my mom who offered to fly to Japan so I could have help making the trip home..... and here's to the little japanese woman who stood at 5' on a good day and when someone messed with her favorite little boy, released a fury the likes of which may never be seen again. My family may be crazy, and they may be weird, but I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.

Have a happy thanksgiving everyone!!!!!!!

Monday, November 21, 2005

Weekend Roundup..... When it rains....

Ok so, for some reason the powers that be have seen fit to condense all of my boy action for 2005 into the holiday season. So along with Contestants 1, 2, and 3 I have now added Contestants 4 and 5 to the roster, I know I know, this only spells trouble for me and the chance of it blowing up in my face is very high but what's the point of living life if I'm gonna go in the slow lane??

So friday night I had a very nice dinner with Contestant number 1 and then we went to a cocktail party where I met several nice doctors, some more lawyers and members of the financial community, a grownup date was definitely had. But not to dissapoint I then had Contestant number one escort me to a kickball party where I subjected him to all my friends who gave an unequivocal thumbs up. I made the mistake of inviting contestant number one home with me, and had a brain fart moment as it was I who had wanted to take things slowly physically. Honestly though, both of my roomates are gone and I didn't want to spend the night in my big house alone, so it wasn't even a sex issue. However not to worry even though I called from the cab to say sorry to Contestant number one, he called me the next morning to schedule the next date and texted me that evening just to make sure I was having a nice saturday..... yeah he's mayor of shmoop town but I'm enjoying what I've seen so far, plus he's a gets a grade of A in the kissing department.

Saturday I spent most of the day doing laundry and being Susie Homemaker. Watched 13 going on 30 about 3 times.... yeah I'm totally Jennifer Garner.... an ps if Mark Ruffalo had had a crush on ME in high school I wouldn't have wasted my time with the piece of trash football captain. Met up with a friend at the metro and traversed to Eastern Market to a party at one of our mutual friends... had a very nice time getting to know all the people that were invited. One of my friends roomates was there and he's this big meat-head jock type who became my besty throughout the rest of the evening.... I'm still confused as to how all the biggest meat-head jocks end up being the guys I get along the best with. hmmmm.

I then went to AdMo and met up with my cousin who is also an ex-collegiate lacrosse player and 6'4". Yeah also meat head jock type, but since he's in medical school I guess the meat head part is a little diluted. We went out to a couple bars in adams morgan and I showed the straight boys how to adequately move your body to the music. In the words of my cousin "his hips seem to move independently of his body, he's going to make a great trophy husband someday" met a nice gentleman at the bar who bought me a delicious martini and contestant number 4 was added.

Sunday morning was spent bumming aorund and indulging in the wonders of HBO and dealing with a sinus headache from hell. I then received an email from a gentleman who had seen me on the street and had tracked me down via friendster and sent me an email wanting to know if he could take me out to dinner... as Thursday is thanksgiving, Wednesday I'm having dinner with the rents at Obelisk, Tuesday I've been invited to dinner by Contestant number 5, Friday I believe I'm having debauchery of the alcohol variety with some fabulous and gorgeous gentlemen, this week should be chock full of glorious excess!!

Sunday evening was spent with Contestant number one being a ball of lazy and having a little kissy face time :)

P.S.: Ok so, I just found out one of my favorite pair of jeans which also creates the illusion that I have a butt has developed a hole on the left butt cheek, now any thoughts on how I should cover said hole or should I just be a big ole ho bag and let the hole exist ;)

P.P.S: next time somebody dares me to hook up with someone just to complete my collection of gay republicans, please oh please powers that be, allow me to have the sense not to hook up with a communications director for a politician that I now see regularly on a national news program as their political consultant. He was a REALLY bad hook up.... I'm talking heinous....

Friday, November 18, 2005

Friday Five.... I just want to go to sleep

So I went out Wednesday night, I went out last night, I'm going out tonight, tomorrow night and it's unclear at this moment in time what Sunday night will portend.

1). Communication with the delegation from Team Lady and The Urban Family didn't happen as planned which turned out to not be such a bad thing. I met a friend for drinks at Halo and while there was approached by a guy whom I met while serving as scenery for a party in georgetown, a couple drinks later that he generously provided I had had enough of that locale and he offered to take me to a v. late dinner so I had a late dinner with said gentleman. He'd like to be a contestant but I believe he realizes that's not going to happen ever in life.

2). Hung out with senor Chip and had a condensed bitch session and catch up fest, and the passing of the torch (new madonna CD) which was interrupted by contestant number one who I'm going to be seeing tonight. I realized that the dynamic duo of Chip and Dale will be disbanded for perhaps over a week. Silent tear, Silent tear, I'm sure we shall be in communication as I'll need more than one break from my relatives in the coming days.

3). As a result of the conversation at Chips apartment de gay, Contestant #1 and I are having an early dinner, followed by a cocktail party at one of his friends houses for a birthday, and then, for better or worse, I'm taking him to the award ceremony for Chip and my's kickball team, WHICH by the way in case you didn't know, is undefeated in all things kickball for the fall season! Please jeebus let my friends not devour this contestant.

4). Tomorrow is supposed to be filled with party party party, unfortunately I have family in town so my priorities are with him and his friends, who are kind of boring but whatever he's family. I just hope we don't get into stories of my childhood, there was, at one point an incident with me and a dress that lets just say didn't go over so well with the rents.

5). Unwittingly I scheduled a dinner party on the same evening as the premier of Geisha and after careful consideration I'm opting to have the dinner party as it is the holiday season, friends blah blah blah. The kimono I was going to wear will have to stay in the closet until the Cherry blossom festival I guess, I will break out my moves then..... that semester of traditional japanese dance will serve me well.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

Reunited, and it Feels So Good!

I am preparing myself for an extreme amount of family time and travel time to come over the next week. Allow me to elaborate:

Friday: Work, catch a train to Philly, spend the night with the 'rents.
Saturday: Drive with the fam up to NJ to have a mini family reunion with my dad's side of the family, much of which I haven't seen in 7 years.
Saturday night: Catch a local train from north jersey into Manhattan, rendezvous with friends from school.
Sunday: Drive back to NJ to watch the Eagles / Giants game at the Meadowlands and then back to NYC to catch a train to DC.
Monday: Work, celebrate roommate's birthday
Tuesday: Work, catch a train back to Philly, spend the night in the city with friends.
Wednesday: Head to the 'rents, celebrate birthday of one of my oldest friends who no longer lives in the Philly area, but visits occassionally.
Thursday: Drive up to NJ to spend Thanksgiving with my mother's side of the family, including my cousin's HS football game.
Friday: Attend the HS 5-year reunion of a bunch of my friends with whom I grew up with, but did not attend the same HS. I'm an honorary member of their graduating class. Hopefully, this HS reunion will turn out better than my own, which I attended this past spring. Open bar + double-fisting long island iced teas = bad idea. I was "asked to leave" the bar. I rule!
Saturday & Sunday: Squeeze in as much visiting time with all remaining friends as possible, and then train back to DC on Sunday.

Meanwhile, in DC: Unfortunately, I'll be missing my roommate's big birthday celebration tomorrow night, as well as another friend's housewarming party on Saturday night, but I am incredibly excited to see my father's family on Saturday. These cousins are about the same age as my sister and I, and I was 16 the last time I saw them or talked to them.

I'm hoping Saturday night in Manhattan isn't too crazy, especially considering I tend to get myself into some form of trouble every time I go up to New York. Sadly, the football game on Sunday is going to be a bust. First, the Eagles' season is shot. Second, McNabb isn't playing. That covers it.

Thanksgiving is always one of my favorite holidays. Personal favorites include: stuffing, sweet potatoes, and turnips (weird, but delightful). This year, my sister will be joining us for the day. She hasn't spent a Thanksgiving with us in close to 10 years due to her participation in the National Field Hockey Festival which always takes place the same week. My family isn't too crazy, and no one really likes to drink (excluding moi) As a result, our holidays are usually on the tamer side. One exciting development is the growth of my one cousin, L. She's in 7th or 8th grade, I'm guessing and is turning into a HUGE label whore. Her parents not materialistic at all, so it's really funny when I hear her telling them how much she wants "a Louis," an iPod mini, a cell phone etc. When I told her I once spent a year as an Abercrombie "brand representative," the awe in her eyes was astonishing. Fortunately, I have cut my ties with said retailer and limit our relationship to me and the generally naked models plastered on the walls.

Anywho, I'm taking it easy at work today, for the past few weeks have been very busy. I'd rather relax today and end the week on a productive note tomorrow. We'll see if that actually happens, but keep your fingers crossed.

I'm so productive it's scary

I don't mean professionally, hell I barely maintain conciousness at work.... and many times I require a nap time at some point throughout the day. I mean socially obviously.

So as the spanish call, el date. Remember the time that last night God decided to wage a natural war against my hair? Yeah I did because not only was it raining, it was windy so my umbrella only pseudo protected me which I was not excited about, if I'm going into war (dating) I have to at least think that I have looks to kill, not some drowned rat look. I went to Best Cellars which has become one of my preferred wine stores, got a nice bottle of merlot and made my way to the apartment of contestant number one.

From here on in it might get a little shmooptacular so if you're weak of stomach, eff the hell off, it's been a long time coming for me and I will be marinating in it like a lobstah in buttah.

I didn't realize it before, but watching a guy in the kitchen that knows what he's doing is a major thumbs up, I'm weird, I mean I also think one of the hottest smells is a guy that smells like fresh laundry so whatever. Anyways he made me a totally homemade italian dinner from scratch, it was delicious and not too heavy and the wine was delightful and so was the fact that when we sat down to dinner he turned out the lights and lit various votive candles around the room, that combined with the rain made the dinner that much better.

We then retired to watch a movie, and actually watched a good portion of it! Now I don't divulge details about this part of the evening but suffice it to say the evening was definitely PG rated and he's respectful of my wish to travel in the slow lane of the physical relationship highway, which is funny cuz I'm definitely a huge C*&k tease, but I never end up putting out. As I've said before, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free."

After bidding Contestant #1 who, coincidentally has one of those names that belongs in like "sense and sensibility" or something equally proper, I met up with Chip and the gang at Lucky Bar to celebrate one of my friends B-Days. Went to Millie and Al's after that and after a couple rounds of jello shots and beers I headed home back to the Palace.

I SHOULD have gone to bed but instead I had an asian moment and watched most of "Joy Luck Club" which, incidentally, always makes my tear ducts leak a little, it must be some sort of pavlovian thing.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Meanwhile, at the Firm...

Chip: "I'm just keepin' it real, baby!"
Co-worker: "Chip, stop trying to be street."
Chip: "It ain't tryin' when it's the truth!"

These people effin' love me.

Hump Day, work it out...

So today was GOING to be my mental health day, I don't have any deadlines in the near future, I've been in early pretty much every day for the last two weeks taking care of business like Ms. Aretha taught us to do. Honestly though, it doesn't behoove me to call in sick, I just came in all types of late, it is now 9:45 and I've been at my desk for maybe 3 minutes, glory thy name is sleep.

I spent most of last evening at the gym working out stress through the wonders of pilates and weight machines, which, btw I must look so ridiculous using and I'm pretty sure that when I'm doing any of the machines my face scrunches up and I look like I'm a constipated gerbil or something, and I wonder why I don't get picked up at the gym more....

Also apparently last night there was a memo that every 'mo in NoVa was to converge on the Teets at Pentagon Row, now me showing up in workout shorts and a t-shirt that has so many holes in it Axel Rose probably wouldn't wear it, undeniably sweet. Especially since on my shopping list was, wine, peanut butter, and snickers bars, made my whole persona that much cooler... ha ha ha.

Bonding time with SH1 was had and enjoyed, I then had a martha stewart moment and retired to my room to iron and fold and such and so forth. Put on Saved, looooove that movie, and then called dudley and we had some bonding time downeast sistah style.

For some reason I'm all bajiggity over my date tonight with Contestant #1. I think it's probs because he's cooking me dinner at his condo which seems a lot more intimate than say, dinner at the four seasons which I enjoy if anyones asking :). Seeing as how he lived in italy for a while and is of the mo persuasion, I'm excited to see what he brings to the table..... watch it be chef boyardees and momma celeste, which have their place but not really date food. Lets see how my powers of seduction fair against senor beck this evening ;).

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

Contestants 1, 2, and 3 COME ON DOWN!

I will be buying the new Madonna CD today and hanging a disco ball in my cube and having club Dale a go go throughout the day, please be warned, vogueing may be involved, as if my floor wasn't gay enough (the gay men outnumber the straight men and there's more fuschia shirts on this floor than in most of gaydom).

Last evening I had a bitch session with Straight husband #1, Straight husband #2 is currently in Ireland on holiday and has undertaken the task of getting me a pretty gift. SH1 and I, after sitting around in our sweats and generally being wastes of space decided to whole foods it so we traversed to the P st. Whole foods. I felt SOOOO underdressed to be at that whole foods. I figured, after work, people are tired, me not looking cute not a big deal. Yeah I was a liar. Thankfully SH1 was also scrubtacular so it looked like we had just come from either the gym or something equally couple-y that the gays do. P.S. everybody thought we were "together", especially when I'd say things like, "do we have enough bread in the house hun?" and honestly I'm fine with that assumption.

Sidenote: I was born and spent the first formative years of my life in Balmer (Baltimore) and therefore am allowed to call people hun where and how I see fit. Also, when I drink I develop a southern accent that is only rivaled by Ms. Blanche Devereaux.

On the way home Contestant #3 called, now Contestant #3 I've known for a while but always kind of dodged the fact that he had feelings that were a bit more than friendly for me, however my guard was down last night and I agreed to go on a date with him. I think I'm going to have to re-sched as he wants to go out out tonight and honestly I need a rest, plus I don't think I'm up to fending off his advances without coming across as a heinous beeeyotch and I'm the effing Marsha Brady of 17th st. dammit, everybody likes me and I aim to keep it that way.

I've communicated with Contestant #1 aka Beck and he will be cooking me dinner tomorrow evening and as he used to live in italy I'm tots excited, and he's also renting a movie. Now I know what "renting a movie" usually means but my plan is to keep the evening PG, but as we all know, "the best laid plans of mice and men......."

Contestant #2 I haven't called back yet, I'm still unsure if I want to, I just don't feel like putting in the effort honestly as horrible as that sounds, he's just another ball in the air that I don't really need/want right now.

P.S. I was talking to SH1 about a comment I'd made in response to a post from The Boy on what movie character would portray him. Apparently according to my SH1 and corroborated by others, I'm totally Sayuri in Memoirs of a Geisha, go fig.

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Weekend Roundup.....excess thy name is Dale

Well this weekend found me with a plethora of fun times which evolved into a cyclone of social events, bonding time, and random fun.

I kicked off Friday in true dale style..... with a nap... When I came to I prepared a dinner for myself, Chip, and one of my closest friends and the gorge fest of the weekend was underway. After a full dinner and several sumptious bottles of wine I broke out my iPod and turned on the newest Madonna as the weekend went underway. The funniest part about it was that at some point we decided to break out my kimono and I wish I had pictures of Chip dancing around in a kimono and japanese sandals to Madonna's "hung up".

We made our way to el local gay watering hole, saw Mr. Bartender and after a drink, the full weight of the alcohol had its effect and I had to leave and save any modicum of dignity I had left.

Saturday was a day of rest for me and I spent it cleaning, doing laundry, and watching the wonders that HBO has to offer. Since I've had some random family issues recently, I've been spending more time with my parents and on the phone with my sister, and my father who was in the city to watch a basketball game offered to take me and Chip and A (one of closest friends) out to dinner. District Chophouse is delicious and good times were had by all.

Saturday evening was spent with my favorite girls T+A and members of our kickball team at a house party in AdMo. Fabulous house, fabulous friends, I love hanging out with those people!!! unfortunately chip was resting and doing application stuff so he was unable to attend. Also apparently I talked to contestant #2 at length at some point and he offered to pick me up that night to take me to Nation to meet some popular dance music woman... I declined.

Sunday I had a date with Contestant #1 and so far things look promising. We met at Cafe Montmarte and definitely enjoyed myself at brunch with a bloody mary and my mussels.... yum. On paper he looks great, ivy league undergrad, top 5 law school, well traveled and multi-lingual. Plus he looks like Beck and I have a thing for that type of guy. Afterwards we went to the Sackler Gallery, the Sculpture Garden, and walked all over the city just talking and getting to know each other. The date lasted for 6 hours, :). No kiss at the end but he said he wanted to take me to dinner this week and maybe think about joining him at a social event on friday, and for the first time in a long time I don't feel like glorified arm candy.... it's a good feeling.

Contestant #2 called Sunday evening and asked me out, I think I'll be going out to dinner with him sometime this week but given certain revelations about the social circles in which he moves leads me to believe that he is less than desirable as a candidate. However maybe he'll be able to redeem himself, we shall see.

This week will be a blur of dinners, dates, and social events. God I hope I can make it to christmas without having to take a vacation......

Friday, November 11, 2005

5 + 5 = 10 (Because 5 Just Ain't Enough)

1) The woman who works in the dockets room at the Department of Commerce hates me. She is not the first person to hate me, but since I'm convinced she's crazy (trust me on this one) and she has the ability to make my job much more difficult than it needs to be, the situation makes me uncomfortable. She talks to the other Commerce employees about me as if I'm not in the room. She will often see me, start laughing out loud, then say to the others, "I'll wait till the customer leaves." Although I'm technically not a customer when I'm just dropping something off.

2) Another development at work: discord among employees as to the quality of McDonald's french fries. I do not mean to offend anyone, but they reek of mediocrity. There is nothing worth going out of one's way for when it comes to McDonald's fries. Burger King fries, as well as Popeye's fries, are FAR superior. I hope this clarification ends any and all speculation or confusion.

3) A friend of mine here at the firm works for a lesbian attorney. This attorney knows who I am (and vice versa) but we never actually say anything to each other. This attorney, through my friend of course, has invited me to Gaylaw's annual awards ceremony in early December. Take one paralegal and a room full of gay attorneys... it could be interesting, but I'm not sure how I feel about going ghostrider. Then again, it might be nice to talk to openly gay attorneys, instead of the creepy closet cases who are married with kids...

4) According to one of my friends, everyone must rent The Notebook and watch the deleted sex scene with Ryan Gosling. It made her "wet."

5) My sister and her friends are not coming to DC this weekend, so the "Gay Terror Alert" of my apartment is being dropped from Code Rainbow (highest level of gayness) to Code Pink (status level without roommate; with roommate is Code Purple). The previously mentioned visit has been postponed till early January.

Friday Five....Everybody's working for the weekend!!!

So a big and hearty Eff you to all the federal workers that are at home lounging in the freedom of your day off. Some of us have to work because apparently Cambodia and Thailand don't recognize Veterans day of the United States.... although I'm pretty sure that Cambodia has a "liberation from America" day.

1). A conversation with my sister last night about the upcoming thanksgiving holiday
Sis: I hope mom doesn't set grandpa on fire again this year
Me: Yeah, do you know if (White Trash Cousin) got any more tattoos?
Sis: No clue, I just hope that if he did it's spelled right this time.
Me: Yeah remember when we were the most normal?
Sis: And prettiest, don't forget prettiest.

2). Going to the salon on a friday morning before work and getting a facial, fabulous coif and a little maintenance work done is one of the most enjoyable ways to start a weekend, also if it's paired with a pumpkin spice latte given to you for free by a cute barista, makes it even better.

3). I communicated with Contestant #1 last night, Mr. Lawyer man invited me to join him at Chloe, I however was engrossed in my plans of laundry, Star Wars III (dissapointing), and pilates. We shall see if I feel social this weekend.

4). 3 drunk dials last night from various friends trying to get me to come out does not a happy Dale make. I didn't want to go to sadlands at 11 and I sure as hell didn't want to meet them there at 1. I needed my beauty rest.

5). Having the house ALLLLL to myself this weekend, thumbs up AND thumbs down. I actually like my roomies who will be in Ireland / New Jersey and don't necessarily enjoy a big empty house. However it will allow me to lounge around all weekend in my underwear.... oh wait.... I do that anyways cuz I'm a slob.... sweet.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

The Time Has Come

Dear CBS,

After disappointing me for the better part of the past two months, I have no choice but to sever all ties for the remainder of this season of The Amazing Race. It brings me great pain to cut off, even if only temporarily, a bond that has remained steadfast, strong, and a consistent source of euphoria for going on 2+ years. The fond memories will remain, but for now I must say, "I'm sorry to tell you, but you've been eliminated from my life."

There was a strong outcry against the switch to "Family Edition," but I defended you against the naysayers. In return, I only asked that you provide me with the quality entertainment I have come to expect, as experienced in seasons 4 - 7. Not only was I denied that pleasure, but you also broke my heart by eliminating the hottest racer far too early in the season. My tears could fill an ocean...

I should have known it was coming. Teams did not leave the country before the fifth episode, and they have already returned, just two episodes later. Words cannot express how utterly boring an "Amazing Race" is that takes place primarily within the continental U.S. This is not season 1 or 2 of Road Rules! Luckily, I can watch reruns of seaons I've seen and those I have not on the Game Show Network.

Anxiously awaiting Season 9,

Got over the hump.... phew!

Phew, hopefully I can just kind of sliiiiiiide into the weekend. P.S. for everyone that has friday off I hope you catch crabs from wherever you go thursday night and spend friday itching yourself silly!! just jokes, kisses, mean it.

For some reason I've been dead tired lately, definitely went to bed at 8:30 on monday night. Then I thought it was a good idea to stay out till 2 on Tuesday night.... yeah it wasn't. So last night I figured would be a clutch time for a martha stewart moment and such a moment I had. Upon getting home from work I cleaned, I started dinner (Chili) in the crockpot (p.s. best invention in my life currently) and had enough time to lay down for a quick cat nap which was interrupted by Straight Husband #1 (Roomie) who invited me to meet him for a sushi dinner.

I threw on sweatpants and my favorite collegiate shirt on which had my favorite saying in college, "It's a GREAT day to be a bobcat." Yeah I was that guy, whatever.

I met SH#1 and we went to Sushi Taro because I heart sushi taro like a crack whore hearts a truck stop. I always find it amusing when japanese people can't quite place me and don't attempt any sort of conversation in japanese with me. I usually don't try to press the issue, besides, if I know what they're saying but they aren't concious of that fact who's really in control?

While we were waiting I went downstairs to get some blockbuster loving and came out with the new Willy Wonka and Star Wars III, two movies I had been planning on seeing in the theaters and never got around to it.

Came home, dominated me some sushi and had some Roomie bonding time, we went to college together and are always busy so we need to schedule "dates" to catch up. P.S. how sad is it that a "date" with SH#1 is the closest I've come to a real date in the past month.... yikes. We watched Willy Wonka on the couch and then off to bed for the both of us, any longer and I would have fallen asleep on him, something I was definitely known for in college.

This weekend has the potential to be v. v. interesting and as of the present moment I have 2 gentleman vying for my affections so this whole date drought is definitely over. P.S. what is it about me and attracting lawyers?

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Tiffany, Culture Club, Bananarama OH MY!

So last night I decided to see some friends with whom I've lost touch with over the past couple of months so we decided to converge over the once proud symbol of gaydom, Hamburger Marys, now a beacon of lesbionica's everywhere, Dakota Cowgirl.

On the way to Mary's I ran into someone who is a friend of a friend and at our last encounter expressed an interest in seeing me on more than just a platonic occasion. I neither confirmed nor denied my interest (I'm kinda ambivalent as he's short) however I also forgot his name. He broke out his blackberry to take my number down and I being the quick thinking mo that I am said, "oh just text me with the way you want me to put your name in my phone" lets see how that one pans out.

Dinner was a fantasmagoria of gorging as always, followed by the sitting and allowing the cow that I had just pushed into my body to digest.

At that point myself and one friend decided to make a night out of it so we started walking to JR's.... in the rain. Now last night I had originally chosen a coiffe of straight hair which for me necessitates a blowdryer and a straightening iron. However, much like the wicked witch of the west, that hairstyle will quickly dissapear with the precense of water thus leaving me with a mound of what I like to call "don king" hair, Chip has seen me on several occasions with this hairstyle and trust me, it aint cute.

So if I was to salvage the night I had to think fast, so I pulled on all my Gay Boy Scout powers and at first the only thing that came to mind was...... "hmmm I wonder if there are gonna be any cute guys out tonight?" Then it hit me, so with friend in tow I went to the CVS on 17th, went to the cosmetics aisle, put some strong hair gel in my hand a walked riiiight on out, yes stealing is wrong, 10 commandments, but whatever so is ruining a perfectly good evening with bad hair, and if god can make it rain on me, he can overlook me trying to deal with it.

We finally make it to JR's, I make a beeline for the bathroom, wet my hair a la Jamie Lee Curtis in True Lies, and proceed to salvage the mess that was my hair. I did a damn good job if I do say so myself. My friend and I then did a little bit of making the rounds, and then proceeded to purchase real estate in the middle of the bar. For some reason I create a bubble around myself at JR's, I attribute it to what I call my icey stare of death look, which I was thankful for last night.

Then we made it over to cobalt for some 80's night action. I was expecting some Tiffany, maybe some Kajagoogoo, what I got was an empty club and a face full of weird. So the friend I was out with I met because he is friends with someone I used to date, I hadn't spoken to this person since May. The club is pretty empty and the only cohesive group of people is the gentleman I used to date and his entourage. I make nice and am polite but as I'm saying pleasantries to these people out of nowhere comes this rando all up in my piece. He starts going on about how good my mascara looks ( I don't wear mascara) and how he liked my cologne (I wasn't wearing any), I thought he was with the group of people I was trying to be polite to so I put up with it. Upon going to another part of the group and asking someone, nobody had any clue who he was..... freaking sweet I just got perved on by a complete rando.

On going upstairs I saw yet more people I had little interest in socializing with and at that point in the evening I was bad at feigning being cordial, so I suggested to my friend that we cab it back, he lives in P. City in the Vag, and my house on Cap. Hill is pseudo on the way. However the gentleman I used to date offered to give us both a ride home, and being economical and lazy, I agreed. Apparently he already knew where I lived as he had been to my neighborhood on several social occasions and had left notes under my windshield wiper that I had never received... ah well I'm not losing any sleep over it. The force trying to draw me into BGD was huge last night but I managed to sidestep the majority of awkwardness with good manners and the most forced smile known to man-kind.

...Fortunately the last 6 months have not been kind to some of the people I was making forced smiles at and it looks like mother nature and father time have force fed them ho ho's and added several laugh lines... *giggle*

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Je suis très ennuyé

Je suis très ennuyé, donc j'ai pensé ce pourrais être amusant pour écrire une entrée tout dans un de mes langues de romance préférées.

Je parlais avec un ami aujourd'hui de l'espace nécessaire dans une relation.Je plaisantais avec lui de comment il et son nouvel « ami » commencent à référer au deux d'eux comme une entité singulière.Ceci est une chose que je déteste des relations, la perte d'individualité. C'est presque comme si vous devez renoncer une partie de vous afin d'avoir une relation réussie. Cela est quelque chose que je ne suis pas malheureusement disposé à faire.

Ma dernière relation qui a duré une quantité significative de temps, était, à mon avis, le plus proche je suis venu à la quantité parfaite d'individualité et à la camaraderie. Je le verrais d'habitude un temps une semaine que nous avions planifiées en avance, cela serait la « réunion » de la semaine. Ceci n'a pas inclus les événements de charité, les fetes, ou autre occassions social que j'étais plus qu'heureux de servir de son consort. N'importe quel plus d'interaction que cela outre le samedi tard du soir qui peut tourner dans le brunch de dimanche et moi creverait d'ennui honnêtement. Je les verrais trop pour n'importe quoi s'intéresser et je voudrais le remplacer aussi rapidement que possible. Nous arriverions à un parti, et un seulement contraire pendant qu'obtenant un cocktail à la salon entre les conversations avec les autres gens. Tout le monde a su que nous étions ensemble mais avons reconnu notre individualité et cela est la façon je l'ai aimé.

La relation a terminé, pour l'améliorer ou pour pire, et je suis encore fois a le commencement. C'est mauvais devenir ennuyé avec quelqu'un qui, après moins que 10 réunions tourner Je a Nous ? A mon avis non, mais peut-être, juste peut-être je veux donner un petit morceau. L'hiver est une saison très froide, qui va obtenir pour garder ma chaleur ? ?

a conundrum wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a riddle

So recently I've come across a couple questions flitting around my head that have yet to be answered.... hmmmmm let's chew on that for a moment.

1). How I woke up on sunday morning with more money than I went out with saturday night and no trips to the ATM were made and I took a cab home?

2). What the statement, "you're intimidating" really means.... I mean come ON! (3 times this past weekend I was told this statement)

3). If I was invited to a party where I know an ex that I'm not exactly on the best terms with is going to be, should I forgo any type of social awkwardness and stay away or do I say Eff it and just show up and see the people I do like?

4). Where have all the cowboys gone?

5). What's the point of decaf coffee?

......... we may never know the answers to these questions..............

Friday, November 04, 2005

Check Your Shirt at the Door

Apparently I'm really good at saying I'm going to act in a particular way, only to turn around and do the opposite...

Example: "Oh, I'm not drinking a lot tonight..."
1 hour later: blitzkrieged.

Last night was a similar misadventure. Dale and I made plans to eat at Pasha Bistro, that random place by JR's. I've been meaning to try it, so I figured last night would be a good opportunity. Unfortunately, I had to stay a bit late at work and really wanted more of a drawn out dinner, so we ended up at Lauriol. I have a love/hate relationship with Lauriol. I do love going there. The atmosphere is pleasant, the food is tasty, and the margaritas are oh so kind. However, I generally hate the way I feel afterwards. After "sharing" a pitcher of margaritas, I was much more susceptible to Dale's suggestions, and thus told him that I would go to Green Lantern with him to rendezvous with The Boy and Team Lady.

Walking to the bar, we turned down an alley and just as I turned to Dale to ask "where is this place, exactly?" the thumpa-thumpa that can only signal a gay bar hit me like a wild purse of a drag queen at the high heel race. We had arrived. Weaving through the first floor crowd, Dale led us upstairs. He was wearing a shirt and a vest, and the graceful manner in which he shed both of these items as he made his way up the stairs implied that I was to follow suit. Unfortunately, I have never been in the circus, nor would I ever be described as 'graceful,' so as I ditched my jacket and shirt, I nearly took out a couple of queens. (Un?)Fortunately, no one was injured, and I didn't knock anyone's drink to the floor.

Anywho, The Boy and Team Lady had landed some prime real estate right at the bar, and luckily Dale is taller than life, so he was able to spot them without any trouble. While some attendees did not have a great time, I found the night to be very enjoyable. I did not claim to be an attorney or any other professional, nor did I speak in any of the 11 languages in which I am fluent (although I did try to rock some Portuguese later in the night, but it's been WAY too long). I confessed to Mr. Bartender that his entries on bar etiquette have made me very self-conscious about tipping, etc. but he provided the appropriate reassurance that I was okay. That was that.

Quick highlight: Dale admitting to owning the porno they were playing on the tv's. Keep it up Dale!

It is now 2 hours later...
My "arriving at work with a buzz, so I'm in a great mood" has now turned into "I'm hungover and worthlessly miserable."

Other important updates:
1) My love affair continues! I'm really starting to scare myself. I listen everyday, sometimes more than once. It's been almost two weeks.

2) I'm working all day tomorrow. While I would normally say "thumbs unequivocally down," I am excited by the sweet, sweet OT I will be making, which will get directed towards the "Latin America: Summer 2006" fund. (Any contributions are welcome! Inquire for details, all donations are not tax deductible) To assist with the launching of this fund, I will announce guidelines next week describing the changes I will be making in my behavioral patterns to help make this plan reach fruition. Don't hold me to it, but early indications point towards many trips to Green Lantern for shirtless happy hour and economical drinking.

3) I'm going to see Good Night, and Good Luck at the Uptown tonight. If you have never been to that theater, do yourself a favor and go. You can thank you by contributing to the fund described in point 2.

4) Next weekend my sister, her girlfriend and the girlfriend's homo HS prom date are visiting. My roommate is going to be in NYC (tear), so my apartment will be the gayest place on Earth (excluding Disney) from Friday - Sunday. In order to gain access to my humble abode, I will install imitations of the female and male genitalia on my door, and all visitors must perform the appropriate homosexual acts. I will also film said acts and sell them on the internet (see point 2).

5) While working on graduate applications, I've come to the dark realization that I have a problem... with commas. I use them excessively, and at times, inappropriately. I hope to remedy this problem with some help from professionals.

6) As I learned from the numerous banners hanging in Green Lantern last night, this weekend is the tenth annual "Bear Invasion." Welcome bears! (and cubs, otters, polar bears, and every other animal that is also used to describe a subset of gay men.) Is the gay community a human zoo? If so, I totally want to be a tiger, because they kick serious ass. Literally, non-serious asses do not get any kicks. Not from tigers. Dale is a giraffe, obviously. Insert "sperm whale" and "peacock" jokes here.

Friday Five... thank jeebus this week is OVER!!!

Last night was another Green Lantern fun fest with Team Lady and The Boy, I will let Chip chronicle the events as it's always better from a virgin's perspective, but I am officially and completely de-funktafied!! and five reasons for that are:

1). Having a conversation with The Boy completely in french while sufficiently buzzed, my french always gets more fluid when I drink, but I haven't had the opportunity to talk to anyone in french for the LONGEST time on anything other than research and samples and blood counts etc.

2). After getting the "save me" signal from The Boy I introduced myself to the anaesthesiologist that he was talking to who was in town for his ten year med school reunion, so I guess he was in his late 30's/early 40's. I OBVIOUSLY introduced myself as a fellow physician who had just graduated med school and practiced pediatrics in Maryland. The funniest part was he totally bought it and we had an in depth conversation about our mutual hatred of HMO's and how he wanted to do pediatrics but decided otherwise, Dale = 1 Doctor man=0

3). Jalapeno Poppers at Annies, they make me happy in my special place.

4). After Annies and while I was hailing a cab, Chip and I ran into a guy that I call Muscles McGee, and if you saw this guy you'd know why. I don't know how I know him, but everytime I see him out he comes over and says how great it is to see me and hugs me, also, the first time I recollect seeing him he was in the underwear contest at Cobalt and it was Chips birthday. Same M.O. that night too, came up to me sans clothes and said how great it was to see me and how we need to go out sometime.... yeah I found out for the first time his name is Matt. Anyways totally got his number. We shall see what develops.

5). Waking up this morning, realizing I had left my computer on all night, so I go to turn it off but before I do I decide to check my emails and for some reason I wanted to check out friendster. Yup definitely got a message from one of my friends for whom I've never had any kind of sexual inclination toward.... yeah he sent me a naked picture of himself.... *insert awkward robot dance here* ........ apparently somebody put those pictures up without his knoweledge and changed his password so he can't take them down..... I want to feel bad but *giggle giggle*

Thursday, November 03, 2005

If you're 18, and you're not a total fry... it's jus whatcha do

So this Saturday I will be braving the 'burbs' to attend what may be the most horrific display in western civilization. The Ms. Maryland pageant. And to all the people that the words "raging queen" popped into their head, no no no, I would never go to one of these things willingly. However, a friend I've known since the 6th grade is competing and specifically requested that I plus our other two friends from the same grade be there. now the three of us all provide support in different ways and it seems to work out pretty well.

Dale: I'm the uppity snot nosed bitch of a queen that will be helping her get ready and telling her how all the rest of the bitches are fatter than her and look like the business end of a llama. I provide sarcastic humor and instill a false sense of confidence so she can stand up to the competition..... also I'm the guy that drinks with her dad before and after the competition and trash talks all the other people in Farsi.

ArsBars: The plastic surgery queen who has a penchant for dating B-list celebrities.... the most recent being Mark McGrath of sugar ray (and I think dating is a strong word) and some guy that was on the Jackass show... She has lied her way into the versace fashion show in milan and has the picture with the vampire that is Donatella to prove it. She provides the much needed physical assurance that our friend looks fabulous and she has nothing to worry about.

Lex: The most grounded and down to earth out of the four of us. She provides the support that sounds the most sincere and I'm sure makes our friend feel the calmest and most self-assured, she's the person most likely to say, "it doesn't matter if you win, you look so good anyways".

I went last year and after about 5 minutes into it I leaned over to Lex and said, "this is the weirdest thing I've ever seen in my life, I need a drink if I'm going to deal with this." Yeah we had to do shots at the bar really quick.

So in 2 days time I will boldly step into a world of vaseline on teeth and hairspray on asses, My friend that's competing said that there will be hot guys who are coaching the other girls.... I don't think I'll be meeting anyone at the pageant that isn't a tube of maybelline away from being a drag queen and really, that's not my flavor.

Also in today's WaPo THIS, now the questions why and how come to mind not to mention the exclamation ewwwwwwwwwwww!!!! whatever happened to stealing jewelery?

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Hump Day, Yikes

It's not even 11 oclock in the morning and I've already had the most awkward robot dance morning in the history of..... well this week.

1). Ok so I had a meeting at 7:00 am in Bethesda at a government organization. What neither I nor my research group knew was that there would be a suprise delegation from the State Department also at this meeting as an Ambassador in one of the countries that we work in wants to learn more about the research that's being performed. Effing sweet, needless to say we looked like grade A morons. PS I dominated a venti latte at the meeting to the jealousy of all in attendance.

2). As part of the research we perform we ask survey questions to a general population to determine knoweledge of health risks associated with certain behaviors, pretty general stuff. Ok but apparently the research site staff came up with a couple of questions that we had to address in the meeting as they were a bit.... let's say strange.... like...
A). How, other than sex, do you satisfy your desires?
B). How long do you withdraw before you "complete" the sexual act (note: obviously the word in quotations has been changed) Note2: Question B had to be withdrawn because in 20/20 of the men surveyed said they didn't withdraw.
C). I asked what the acronym FSW stood for during the meeting.... yup Female Sex Workers... my response.... a very quiet "oh"
Nervous laughter around a table of professionals? I think so. Insert awkward robot dance.

3). When I returned to my office after stopping by my dealer (Starbucks) and equipped with my gingerbread latte, I went to the lavatory to wash my hands. When I walked in I totally spotted a gay co-worker in his early to mid thirties pulling the skin on his face back a la Joan Rivers and checking himself out in the mirror. When my eyes became bigger than any asians eyes have ever been he turned to me, started to say something, and then just kind of shuffled out the door. Praise Jesus he kept his silence.... I mean really, how much MORE awkward can you get?

Tuesday, November 01, 2005


I am currently in a state of funk. You know those times when you're in a bad mood for no real reason and nothing can really make it go away, but you're concious of this fact and make every effort to not let it affect other people around you or your opinions of them? Welcome to my current state of affairs.

Sunday night probably set the scene with yet another fun-filled evening with crazy great aunt and Crazy grandfather. We went out for sushi as per the usual, my grandfather warning me that they might make us go away due to the fact that the last time they had been there my great aunt had yelled at the waitress for a good 10 minutes. We got there and the owners came right over, they're cognizant of the fact that my relatives are crazy and sat us right away. The food was good as always and the same gibberish conversations peppered the night, now I love my family but putting up with them takes it's toll.

Monday was spent mostly at the MVA in Maryland, I live in the district but have off street parking so why pay DC taxes when I don't have to right? I spent 4 hours at the MVA getting a new license, in which I look like a terrorist, and new plates... obviously the save the bay plates. I spent the remainder of the day at work putzing around. Went home and my funk was by this time in full force and I was not a happy camper. Got home and got myself a cocktail and sat out in the backyard due to the gorgeous weather and called a couple people to try and talk me out of the funk I was in. It sorta worked and one of my friends is driving to visit me this weekend. I then sat on the couch and folded laundry, not realizing it was halloween. The kids that came by were by and large really cute and their parents made them say thank you which is always appreciated, but no go on de-funktafying.

As my roomates got home wanting to celebrate one of their good job interviews, they poured martinis..... bad idea. After just the one I thought it would be a good idea to call an ex I haven't spoken to in five months and whom I told that I never wanted to hear from even if he needed a kidney. Thankfully he didn't recognize my phone number (I changed it) and I had the precense of mind not to leave a voice mail, praise jesus. Upon reviewing my outgoing calls this morning, I wasn't exactly in the best mood leaving the house.

Currently I'm listening to some keane and trying to mellow the ef out. It didn't really help that I got a text this morning asking if I wanted to be a go go dancer this weekend, not really the way I wanted to start my tuesday.... venti gingerpread latte? yes please.