Thursday, November 03, 2005

If you're 18, and you're not a total fry... it's jus whatcha do

So this Saturday I will be braving the 'burbs' to attend what may be the most horrific display in western civilization. The Ms. Maryland pageant. And to all the people that the words "raging queen" popped into their head, no no no, I would never go to one of these things willingly. However, a friend I've known since the 6th grade is competing and specifically requested that I plus our other two friends from the same grade be there. now the three of us all provide support in different ways and it seems to work out pretty well.

Dale: I'm the uppity snot nosed bitch of a queen that will be helping her get ready and telling her how all the rest of the bitches are fatter than her and look like the business end of a llama. I provide sarcastic humor and instill a false sense of confidence so she can stand up to the competition..... also I'm the guy that drinks with her dad before and after the competition and trash talks all the other people in Farsi.

ArsBars: The plastic surgery queen who has a penchant for dating B-list celebrities.... the most recent being Mark McGrath of sugar ray (and I think dating is a strong word) and some guy that was on the Jackass show... She has lied her way into the versace fashion show in milan and has the picture with the vampire that is Donatella to prove it. She provides the much needed physical assurance that our friend looks fabulous and she has nothing to worry about.

Lex: The most grounded and down to earth out of the four of us. She provides the support that sounds the most sincere and I'm sure makes our friend feel the calmest and most self-assured, she's the person most likely to say, "it doesn't matter if you win, you look so good anyways".

I went last year and after about 5 minutes into it I leaned over to Lex and said, "this is the weirdest thing I've ever seen in my life, I need a drink if I'm going to deal with this." Yeah we had to do shots at the bar really quick.

So in 2 days time I will boldly step into a world of vaseline on teeth and hairspray on asses, My friend that's competing said that there will be hot guys who are coaching the other girls.... I don't think I'll be meeting anyone at the pageant that isn't a tube of maybelline away from being a drag queen and really, that's not my flavor.

Also in today's WaPo THIS, now the questions why and how come to mind not to mention the exclamation ewwwwwwwwwwww!!!! whatever happened to stealing jewelery?


JP said...

Good luck at the pageant. You STOLE IT, DIDN'T YOU? Dale, are you going to the pageant with this case of bull-batter? I see your scathing little plan! You're going to do a re-enactment of the prom scene from the movie "Carrie" aren't you? SICKO...LOVE IT...Hit'em with the juice gurl.

Dale said...

ew.... the very thought of that makes me wanna boot! although those beauty queens reaction would be priceless!

A Unique Alias said...

"I will give a nice fat reward for any information on semen that was stolen from my tank today," Fleming wrote


Oh, and introduce me to your hottie friend. (Unless she loses. I don't date losers.)

The B&G said...

lol. have fun

Washington Cube said...

And don't forget the double-sided tape, the fake eyelash glue and Preparation H...for under the EYES people. Jeesh.