Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Sassy Summer 2k5: A Retrospective

As Summer winds itself to an end one tends to look back and review the times, both good and bad, and what one has gained from such experiences.


Dale : As few of you know, I emigrated from the Commonwealth of Oppression otherwise known as Virginia or as my friends T+A refer to it "Guadala-arlington" to Chocolate City into a fantastic rowhouse a stone's throw from the Capitol building. Living with any new people takes getting used to and moving from living with two passive agressive miserable b*&ches to living with two straight boys takes some adjusting, but I look forward to all the roomie bonding that will ensue, and lower levels of drama....there will be only ONE queen of this castle!!

Chip: After spending a year in the all too tranquil upper northwest, I decided to move into an apartment on the corner of Gay Avenue and Homo Blvd. Although still developing an immunity to the bitchy queens that are always all up in my piece at Whole Foods, the move has been quite pleasant, for I now save lots of money on cab fare, and weather permitting, am able to enjoy a lovley walk to work each day.


Dale: Unfortunately one of the heinous passive aggressive bi*&#es used to be my best friend, which is a shame because we met in the 2nd grade and in college started the tradition of getting each other tiffanys jewelery for their birthdays every year.... ah well c'est la vie. I may have lost that one friend but I've met a lot of really cool people, through T+A, through Chip, through the random events that make up my life. Road trips with Chip all summer have been and I'm very optimistic about many MANY more fun times to come.

Chip: Uh, I still have them?


Dale: My family is a hodge podge of crazy ass crazies, Beach 2k5 episodes 1 and 2 was as colorful as ever with my mother wanting to know when I was going to meet a "nice boy from a nice family" and then suggesting that my godmother set me up with a guy from 'C' Country Club, where apparently she is going to spearhead the attempt for me to have my reception there..... Read: I have no boyfriend, I'm single like whoah..... mommas just crazy, and drunk... did I mention drunk? I can't wait till thanksgiving when my extended family descends on my parents' house, gets a couple cases of wine deep and then sits around while everyone tries to coherently discuss whose genes on which side of the family made me gay..... is it any wonder I drink??

Chip: While experiencing Dale's family will either cost me a trip to Betty Ford or lots of therapy (or possibly both), I was also able to spend a week with my parents relaxing at the Jersey shore. Unfortunately, my sister was unable to attend, but she is planning a visit to DC sometime this fall with the gf (that's right, two gay kids in one family, we're a double threat!). Updates sure to come...


Dale: Summer loving 2k5 hasn't really worked out like I planned, but then again what ever really does? I've definitely become more proactive over the course of the summer by telling ex 1 from hell that he would no longer be allowed to contact me and that he could shove it (along with a host of expletives and spreading a rumor that he had the clap but that's beside the point), and telling the most recent ex... ex2 aka S2H that his behavior was unbecoming of a gentleman and I would no longer be socializing with him. Fall is just around the corner.... who knows what it'll bring??

Chip: Santa Fe? "He Whose Name We Do Not Speak Of"? "Steve"? Mixed reviews on this front, but definitely eventful!

Personal: Plan be spontaneous has definitely put Chip and Dale in some very funny situations this summer which include.....

-participating in the bachelor auction for Pride and planting my friends (Chip + T+A) in the crowd to up the amount of money I went for.... and then having said friends actually win and end up stiffing the drag queen running the show.... and then afterwards getting a little intoxicated and making out with a guy who's a dead ringer for Mr. Clean ha ha ha

-while on a mission to get mine and Chip's friend some ass, being a total and complete bitch to another girl who was trying to mack on the same guy.... in hindsight I don't blame her for trying but she was trying to dance with the big dogs and she lost.....she lost big.

-Pole dancing at multiple locations throughout the summer, whatever it's good cardio.

-Telling Chip he couldn't dance with some guy at pride when we were both Shwasted because apparently my argument was.... ew you can't dance with him... He's BI!!!

-Having our elected spokeswoman for the summer be Ms. Kelly Clarkson specifically with 'since you been gone' and 'behind these hazel eyes'

-"winning" Dale at the JR's Pride bachelor auction but peacing the F out before we had to pay (I was really just trying to jack up Dale's going price, but I got a little overzealous it seems)

-Threatening some guy's life who was talking to Dale, only to have this guy think I was flirting with him! What's flirtatious about "if you f*ck with Dale, I'll slit your throat?"

-WAY too many hours spent in Ikea!

-Soundtrack to all things Chip 'n Dale is, and will remain, Coldplay.

So cheers to you summer, glad to have met you and we shall see you next year.... One last Hurrah at Rehomo this weekend and then it's time to break out the light weight cashmere sweaters, Watch out fall, here come Chip and Dale!!!!!!

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Ivanna.... mail from Marla is here!

Break up with ex number one.... let's call him Juan. Juan and I dated for a period of about 6 months, then we broke up... it was messy, it wasn't fun, I had just graduated from college, moved back to DC and trying to figure out my next step when senor asshat decided he didn't want to be tied down..... Fine.... I can be mature.... sure I can.

Unfortunately my interpretation of being mature was to still hang out with our mutual friends, where he would regale everyone with stories of his last conquest. Note: he is 30, getting pudgier by the day, and only "dates" guys between the ages of 18-22... (Oh he's really short and hasn't been employed in over a year..... did I mention that too??) I was about to turn 23 so I guess the guy who was next in line was the marla maples to my Ivanna. I stuck around for a year taking his crap, not wanting to cause any problems within our group of friends, letting him make comments about the physicality of our relationship, comparing it to current ones, and pretty much crapping all over me.... I took it, and didn't say anything.

I did this for a year, I know I know, how masochistic is that? Oh well, however, right after I moved into the city away from him, I told him that I didn't want him contacting me, no phone calls, no emails, I didn't want him to exist in my realm of conciousness, that he could have as much sex with as many 18 year olds as he wants to *vomit* but I did not want any part of his psychotic reality. He emailed me, I didn't respond, he texted me, I changed my phone number, he finally got the hint, even though apparently he asks about me constantly.

About 10 minutes ago Marla Maples just requested to be my "friend" on friendster, along with the message.... "Hey Dale it's G, remember me I'm Juan's friend? I met you at that party once, remember I actually kept my clothes on? I just wanted to say hey" The party in which he was referring I think I had taken off my shirt at some point, but what a little piece of crap...... Unfortunately now I'm going to have to go ahead and make sure that both the ex and this child (19) feel pain..... can't say I didn't warn them...... Hell hath no fury like this bitch scorned......

I went to a gay college?

While waiting in line at Whole Foods yesterday, I noticed that the latest issue of "Out" magazine features a guide to colleges. I decided to pick it up and browse the feature's contents. To my surprise, under the "Party Time" category, the editors / authors focused on my alma mater, Wash U! Gay, straight, bi, queer, whatever, Wash U is not a big party school, but people do know how to have a good time. As part of the "Nerdy Nine" (the athletic conference with the highest average GPA in the country; no, it's not the Ivy League), students at Wash U take school seriously (myself included). Granted, people also do a lot of partying (read: not much to do in Missouri but drink!), but the school is in St. Louis (more like the outskirts), so the scene is not terribly exciting. The column quoted two gay students (who are or were dating). I know one of them somewhat well, and the opinions they share, I generally agree with. Nevertheless, I've decided to share some stories of the gay establishments with which I am most familiar in the Gateway to the West, St. Louis, Missouri!

1) The main gay club is called the Complex. Showing up wasted with your friends is fun, and $3 rail drinks (that's not a 'specials' price) are hard to turn down. While the onslaught of tapered jeans and white sneakers is a lot to handle at first, most of the guys there are well out of college, so it's really easy to get a lot of attention (if that's your thing). Unfortunately, on one of my last visits to the Complex, a friend of mine and I decided to bring along some of our straight friends to share in the experience. At one point, some hick decided to whip out his c*ck in the middle of the dancefloor, so all of my friends think I had been hanging out a sex club for four years... Here are two more of my favorite Complex memories:

- Seeing my name on the video screen, only to find out that my friend was passed out at the bar, sick and with his fly undone... Needless to say, we had to leave.
- A friend of mine ended up entertaining a particular gentleman one night by the name of Isaac (who was wearing red leather pants), and in the throngs of passion, Isaac declared, "Let's see if boys can make babies!" Uh, let's not...

2) Attitudes is the primary lesbian bar. I visited Attitudes once with my Gay & Lesbian Theory class, on a field trip. Our teacher (openly gay woman) led the pack. Aside from pissing off some scary women who were shooting pool, it was a pretty run-down butch bar.

3) Loading Zone (how gay is that name?) is a simple video bar in the trendy Central West End neighborhood. Good place to go for some pregame drinking and the chance to look at guys.

4) Faces. Now, for those of you who are unfamiliar with St. Louis, there is a part of the city which sits east of the river, in Illinois called East St. Louis. East St. Louis is one of the worst neighborhoods in the entire country, so it shouldn't be too surprising that it is home to all of the late night clubs. Faces is one of these clubs. Some of its highlights include, cages, a drag show on the third floor, completely naked dancers (who'll let you sample the goods for some dollar bills), and it's biggest draw, the downstairs dark room! Keep in mind, Faces is open til 6 AM, and the Complex is open til 3 AM. So, if you find yourself at Faces, it's almost definitely after 3, and you're most certainly not sober. The majority of the guys are generally really trashy, on drugs and really sleazy. I never made it inside the dark room (not my thing), however, because I am pure and virginal.

That's pretty much the extent of the gay scene in St. Louis (minus the leather bar and maybe a few others I didn't frequent). Most of the gay students at Wash U (those I knew, at least) spend most of their time on campus or in college (straight) bars nearby. For all of its flaws, I will always hold StL in high regard, even its gay scene.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Weekend Roundup..... a sojourn into weird-town

Weekend roundup......

After having to get my car in philly this weekend, i was none too happy about the prospect of spending money on a train ticket to a city which I consider to be pretty mediocre at best. However, seeing as how Chip hails from this fair city, and with the promise of 'causing trouble' I was trying to see the bright side of the situation. Post dropping stuff off and meeting up with our friend and her mom, chip and I quietly decide that we are going to go our separate way at some point so I can get the full effect of Gay Philadelphia (note: that consists of 3 bars, one of which is 'members only', now I'm sorry but a members only gay club in philadelphia??? bitch please)

Friends mom has another plan, wine bar. So with our plans up in the air we headed to said wine bar and have a glass of wine, at which point the mother urges chip and I to 'go out and have fun.' However not before spouting out this pearl which made both Chip and my mouths hit the floor.....

"Now if you boys decide to go home with anyone tonight I just want you to check with the other one so that they approve." (I must look really desperate if somebody elses mother is pushing me to get some)

Chip did an excellent job of showing me all that gay philadelphia had to offer, which was apparently a skeezy guy that tried to scam on me *shudder*, a shirtless steroided drug addict who was dancing like an epileptic monkey on crack, and yelled at me when I tried to take his picture on my camera phone to make fun of him later, and a guy who was obviously the doppleganger to Steve on sex and the joke could have been steves brother by another mother.

The car ride home the next day was pretty status quo, and after getting home and showering I passed the EF out for a couple hours till it was time to prepare myself for saturday night craziness which included.... Bar golf (I made it to two out of like 8 holes) and Chip and I and our Friend T thought it would be a good idea to each drink a pint of liquor at dans cafe to establish a "base" for the rest of the night. Went to a stellar house party where the host was wearing a dress shirt and nothing else, think Tom Cruise in risky business except a girl and really hot. Got jerked around by some guy who's sketchy at best and shady at worst and made it home by 3.

Sunday included dinner with the fam and Chip and T and A, and passing out in front of the tv as my laundry was being folded by someone that wasn't me...YAY.

Friday, August 26, 2005

Gay Happy Hour..... 2k5 episode 1!!!

I'm going to go ahead and Suggest Thursday at Gazuza for happy hour....... Hope to see everyone there!!

Beaches and Ho's

As I got flaked out on for happy hour last night by unnamed parties, I found myself with a vacum of plans, therefore I decided to hang out with one of my favorite flame dames in the entire world, who suprisingly, also didn't have plans(she's always on the go!). We decided to have a bonding night, the likes of which haven't been seen since we lived together in london and while on holiday in Tenerife were asked by more than one person if we were newleyweds.....yikes. Things that I took from last night:

- Happy hour on the terrace at the Big Hunt, fantastic, and big ups to the double G&T they served in a water glass.

- Digiorno is best complimented by a vintage 2005 Chardonnay of either Carlo Rossi or Sutter Home fame (definitely finished one of the big boy bottles)

-Beaches, having never seen it before, I can honestly say that I am now a little gayer( which in my case will now consist of rainbows shooting directly out of my body).
-Bette Middler: I enjoy her in Beaches, Hocus Pocus, First Wives Club
- Huge HUGE ups for Blossom (Mayim Bialik) for playing young Bette Middler
-Playing "wind beneath my wings" at the end and the torrential downpour that was A's and my faces.

- Having complain session 2k5 with a good friend is a key ingredient in maintaining any type of grip on sanity, bitching about men, jobs, and the malaises of life in general is a necessary part of a well rounded person.

..... now onto the weekend, off to Philly I go to pick up Lezzie the broke down Lesabre with her new battery!!!

OH, I believe I would like to suggest next thursday, Happy hour, Fox and Hound or JR's, judging by the amount of people I think JR's might be an easier sell, anyone in??

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Thumbs Up / Thumbs Down: Beach Trip 2k5 Episode III

I am back after 10 days of vacation, and I have a bold declaration to make: I just experienced the most pleasantly relaxing 10 day stretch of my life. I left on the 11th for Bethany / Reho with Dale, spent Sunday night in Philly (where I grew up) and then stayed in Avalon, Jerz, from Monday the 15th til Sunday. What did I do? NOTHING, and it was amazing! Well, that's not entirely accurate (the "nothing" part), but, by and large, I spent my trip passed out on the beach, relaxing on the deck overlooking the bay, catching up with family and friends, or in a good book. Considering everything that's been going on in my life in DC, I couldn't have asked for anything else (okay, maybe a winning lottery ticket, but considering I don't play the lottery, I knew this wasn't going to happen). Sooooo, moving on, I present my "thumbs up / thumbs down: beach trip 2k5 edition." Please excuse me, for I was terrible with taking pictures or writing anything down, so I'm probably forgetting a lot.

1) Thumbs up to the hot waiter (see Dale's previous post) at the restaurant in Bethany, AND to Dale for having multiple rounds of eye sex with said waiter. At one point, Dale excused himself from the meal, saying to me: "I have to use the bathroom." *batting of eye lashes, "I may not be going alone." (Note: he went alone)

2) Thumbs down to the majority of the guys on the beach at Reho last weekend, none too cute, save for another hot silver fox (thumbs way up to him, thumbs unequivocally down to his hein partner)

3) Thumbs down to me. I should've listed this first, but I forgot one bag for my trip. What was in that bag? Oh, nothing important, just my bathing suits, flip flops, beach towel, sunscreen and all of my underwear (don't ask). So, replacing all of those things was just how I wanted to spend my time and money at the start of the trip, but I'm an idiot, so oh well. At least my new bathing suit was on sale!

4) Thumbs up to E. Dale mentioned him in a previous post, but when I saw E. out on Saturday night in Reho, I was utterly flabergasted at the fact that he is one of the prettiest people (man or woman) I have ever met. I am not into the fem look at all, and I wasn't physically attracted to E., but I was hard-pressed to do anything other than stare.

5) Thumbs up to Dale's friend L. for dropping the p***y bomb more times than I could count in the first 2 minutes of our conversation. And I thought I was vulgar! Keep in mind, he was not attractive and the thought or sound of p***Y does not excite me, yet I couldn't help but feel a little turned on...

6) Thumbs down to the guy who tried to "give me a hand" as I peed. FREAK.

7) Thumbs down to the billboard on Route 1 in Delaware that, with the American flag serving as the backdrop, read:

"Vote Republican: Support our Troops!"

While I have significant problems with both of the main political parties in this country, this billboard struck me as overwhelmingly pathetic. Give me a f*cking break!

8) Thumbs up to A Cut Above Deli in PA for proving, yet again, that they serve the best hoagies (aka subs, heroes, grinders, whatever) on Earth. Period.

9) Thumbs up to Freakonomics and Memoirs of a Geisha, the two books I read while on vacation. I strongly suggest the latter, I had a very hard time putting it down.

Editor's note: I started this post on Monday morning, it's now Thursday and there's no way I'm going to add to it, so excuse its incomplete nature.

Goodbye to heaven...hello to possible hell

So with a heavy heart I must say goodbye, to my office. I have for the past year, ever since graduating from college and securing a 9-5er, have had the fortuitous luck of having my own office complete with locking door. I didn't realize how lucky I was until I heard the bemoaning of my fellow corporate lemmings at other companies who have been beaten into submission by the cube farms of 'Office Space' fame. I will miss the following about my glorious albeit tiny office

- The ability to lock my door allowing me to sleep, eat chipotle like a slovenly pig without fear of reprisal, pretend I'm not there so nobody can bother me, make phone calls to all types of people without having to censor my speech

- The ability to give attention to my cuticles, my nails, to properly apply astringent and moisturizer in the morning, and yes, I will admit it, I sometimes have even participated in eyebrow maintenance in the privacy of my office.

- Not having to pretend like I was actually doing work when in actuality I was going over my day planner planning out the different parties I would be attending that weekend. Although Sidenote: I like many of my newly *sorta* employed brethren have mastered the "I'm staring intently at my computer so it looks like I'm doing work when in reality I'm looking to see which of my friends changed their photo's on friendster" look.

-My new office mate is cute, straight (I think), and my age.... so this may not be a bad situation, although I don't think he'll be down for my turning off the office lights so I can take a nap from 9:30-10:00 on the days where I have to be in at 7 for some stupid conference call.....

Oh and another saving grace about my new office, prior to moving I have definitely consulted with the office maintenance guy and had my space set up so that not only can my office mate not see what's on my computer screen, nor can anyone who walks into the office through the door can either.... I'm grasping onto my last modicum of privacy like a fat man with the last rib at sizzler.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Memoirs.....of a GAY-sha

Is there a new faction of gay society that acts in a manner that parallels the Geisha of old Japan, pretty coyly smiling coquettes plying men with the smallest bat of their eyes?? This faction transcends race, so all you rice queens can stop chomping at the bit. And just so were all clear, Geisha are not prostitutes, because there is OBVIOUSLY a section of gay men I could call whores....yup pretty much the greater part of them.

1). Geisha are skilled in dance, singing, conversation, and are expected to drink if offered a drink by their male patrons: Gay men stereotypically can dance better than their straight counterparts owing in large part to musical theater (I was a dancer at a club while living abroad, and no not a stripper), Singing is also attributed to musical theater, and I have yet to meet a mary that will turn down a drink from a guy if he is anywhere near decent.

2). Geisha use very subtle methods to flirt with men: As Chip will undoubtedly support I'm a big fan of eye sex or "cheer sex" as it was described in the oscar winning film 'bring it on.' I participate in the coy flirting as opposed to the brazen...."so what's your sign?" Bat eyes, smile, look away, look back, bat eyes, smile, and repeat. I've noticed I'm not the only one playing eye sex from across a crowded room..... there are more direct methods of flirting but those are generally reserved for the drunk and/or old and/or ugly and/or fat.

3). Geisha play the coy/helpless card a lot: Now I don't know why this is and I don't like it, but I seem to attract guys that seem to think that I need taking care of. I guess I give off the sense that not all my pistons are firing or that I'm just not really up to snuff in the intelligence department. I also know that I'm not the only one and definitely not the only one that's been approached by men in business suits that think that because I'm young I need someone to take care of me... I'm sorry but I think I just heard Kelly Clarkson and Ms. Independent playing somewhere.....

4) Geisha play dumb, they play dumb like WHOAH: Now I wouldn't say that I 'play dumb' necessarily, but I don't accentuate things that might make me sound very intelligent, that's not for any motive, but I find it pretentious when people make a big deal out of what they do or what they got their degree in. For instance when someone asks what I majored in having recently graduated college I'll say sciences instead of Molecular Biology, it sounds less nerdy. This time honored method of flirting allows the other gentleman to take the opportunity to feel like he's the top dog and in control of the situation when in actuality you speak four languages, studied things he could never hope of pronouncing, and are the youngest person in a Health related research facility..... but he doesn't have to know that ;)

5) Pretty clothes in bright colors: The polo/jean combo is the new kimono and the ribbon belt the new obi, and don't even front like every mary reading this doesn't have some combination of the aforementioned outfit because I've seen you out, and you do!

So in conclusion.... I believe that there exists in DC gay community a small but distinct faction of gay men that I would consider 'gaysha.' Now I'm not sure if I fit into this category but that's a topic for another time :)

Public Service Announcement

While enjoying a casual beer with Dale at JR's last night, I was reminded of a troubling trend within the gay community: Goatees. (I am aware that it's not a 'gay' phenomenon, for the record.)

Goatees DO not qualify as any of the following: cute, attractive, hot, etc.

PLEASE do us all a favor and immediately take one of the following two actions:

1) Shave off your goatee
2) If you're partial to facial hair (Dale knows I am, from time to time) grow a full beard! Beards look more accomplished than goatees on multiple levels.

A final note, if you're ever considering purchasing a shirt that reads, "I do things you're afraid to fantasize about," stop, put down the shirt and proceed to the nearest exit of whichever retail location in which you find yourself.

Small details such as these will make life for all much more enjoyable.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

My life..... an adventure in disasters

Now.... ok... saying I'm accident prone/disaster prone is an understatement as Chip will no doubt support. During the time we'eve been friends he has definitely heard me say "hmmm I wonder how I cut myself there" or "hmm I didn't notice that bruise before" more times than is humanly possible for any one person, NOTE: (I'm still milking all the sympathy I can out of the scar on my inner thigh that I got from helping Chip move.... seriously though, it looks like I was in a knife fight)

Anyways, this cloud o' personal annoyances came to a thunderous head sunday night when we were SUPPOSED to be coming back home.

After a fantastic surf n' turf provided by Mrs. Chip (his mom) we loaded up my car lezzie (Buick Lesabre) and prepared to go, we had our maps, we had our refreshments, and I had a details magazine with Matthew fox making googly eyes at me on the cover....swoon.

------car won't start... won't respond to coaxing... promises of pine fresh air freshners or my gentle caress. Won't respond to a 12 volt jumpstart either.... this is around 7pm

-Call AAA, they send out a toothless wonder to ponder over my car and actually successfully jumpstarted my car, told me to wait 15 minutes before driving, and left..... by this time Chip has left with another friend to go to Philly to catch a train for work on monday so it's just me and Mr. and Mrs. Chip

- Wait 15 minutes, get into the car after having unloaded and then reloaded all my bags into the car....go to turn on the goes dead.

-Recall AAA, they promise someone within an hour... it is now 10 oclock at this point.

- I call AAA after 61 minutes has passed.... guess what? the tow truck that they sent broke the F down and they can't send out another truck

-I do what any level headed person would do in that situation, I go inside, put on my sweatpants, and pour myself a gin and tonic that would stop an elephant in its tracks.

-AAA calls again around 11:45, when I'm pleasantly buzzed, trying to relax, and figuring out how I'm going to finagle my boss Monday morning. They ask if I still want my car towed to Philadelphia that night (I figured I needed a train station to get back to DC on) and I said yes, then they ask me if I'm riding with the driver or following him.... I laugh and say, I'm sorry what? yeah apparently they need someone with them, I figured they'd deal with that themselves, isn't that what AAA does???? that's what I get for growing up spoiled. So I refuse their offer and say I'll wait till the morning

-Morning comes, so does the tow truck guy, who, after yelling at me for having it towed all the way to Philly reluctantly hooks my behemoth of a car up and we proceed to go. Now the man isn't exactly couth as I would classify him and soon I'm hearing about his f#%$# of a friend (rhymes with maggot) and his B*&/h of an ex wife and a host of problems that he has with rich people that go to the beach... as I'm silently praying he wasn't noticing my lacoste polo, my diesel jeans, or my festive ribbon belt....along with the assorted tiffanys jewelery I was wearing, hmmm probably should have toned it down.

-also, we made the trip in record time as we were going 85 mph the entire way and...oh that's right... he had no seatbelts... the only thing that calmed me down was a marlboro light and a coffee from wawa.

-dropped the car off at the place, they say they'll call me with what needs to be done, and I'm in a cab on my way to the train station.... situate myself in the train station while I play a game in my head which I like to call.... "If there were a natural disaster and we were all that was left, who would I have sex with??" after that I got on the train and got myself back to DC where I thought my troubles had ended...... I was mistaken.

-I decided to do laundry and eat a little something before kickball fun, so I put a load of clothes in the washing machine, then I decide to pack my bag for kickball.... shoes, water, wallet for the bar afterwards, socks, obligatory flair.... and then in the process of respectably coiffing my hair, when I realized I don't know where my phone is. I check my bag, check the charger..... then I hear it, the grinding of plastic against metal in the washing machine.... I had laundered my phone.

.........the saving grace of yesterday was kickball where we dominated all types of ways, including a kick in the nuts by one of our players to a guy on the other team, my nickname for the game being "junior high" (we all had 'awkward' nicknames like "camel toe" or "itchy balls" or "landlord without pants") I actually scored a run, I'm guessing that event may not happen too often so I'm basking in the glory while I can. Also, the diner was deelish...DEElish....

-I am now carless, and phoneless..... I am so amish right now.

Friday, August 19, 2005

How YOU doin.......

Ok so..... I'm a native DC Metro-ian I guess. I was born in Balmer (Baltimore for those not in the know) and grew up in MoCo. Now when summer rolled around for all us kids growing up there were only two things on the schedule, swim team (or diving for me.... 6 hour practices 5 days a week?? thank you!) and the beach. Now when you were talking about the beach you were talking about Delaware.... and the rando occurence of NC beaches, Duck etc. but mostly about the big 3, Rehoboth, Dewey and Bethany. While down at the beach you were most likely going to run into someone from your school, someone from your neighborhood, or someone from swim team so good times all around.

I, for the first time ever in my young queer life, am heading to the NJ shore....... and I'm afraid. I have never stopped in New Jersey on the way to the safe haven of Waspland... also known as New England, where I spent the better part of 4 years getting a degree that's basically useless now. Oh I'm a liar, I stopped once, at the rest station on the NJ turnpike, to pick up a novelty mug which I ended up filling with a bottle of chardonnay and taking it to a party at my friends house (TT) where I watched people jump off her parents balcony into their times..

But back to the matter at hand, so I've never been to NJ, and from what I hear, I could probably live a full and productive life without ever going. However Chip and his family invited me and I'm always using an excuse to go to the beach so I will be traversing... Things I expect to see while in NJ

- Guido's...lots of them. I want to see some curly black chest hair with gold chains all nestled, with black square cut swimwear and tacky Fucci (fake gucci, not to be confused with pucci) sunglasses complete with the requisite italian mullet.

- I want to hear someone say "Hey, How YOU doin?" at some point in the trip

- I want to see some tanorexic women with bad bleach jobs wearing a tank top that the bottom has been shredded into fringe with beads hanging from every strand wearing a swimsuit that she obviously bought in the eighties and bad french manicure say something like..... "I don't know what you're Tawwwlking about Vinnie"

- I want to see a mobster..... from far away....who can't see me.

I will of course spend my time on the beach that will obviously be far inferior to the Delaware coast crying that I am not able to get Grotto pizza, go to Dolle's for some caramel (pronounced Carmel) corn, and walk to the rudder to make fun of the people that fell asleep on the beach, burned the crap out of their faces and proceed to make it all better by drinking their weight in beer.

Also..... side note.... I'm so jealous of my friend BL, she's going with an entire rugby team and staying in the hotel with them while they have a tournament this weekend....and she's going because one of her friends is on the team and they have an "extra space" in the hotel..... if she's smart she'll be offering post game massages....mmmm rugby players. She promised to call me if she needs me to drive down with a wheelchair to get her because sister soul may not be able to walk come sunday....

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Another Chance? or Kicked to the Curb?

Ok.... So I am at a dilemma and for once I'm not sure what to do. Years and countless past experiences have taught me to be a cold-jaded-aloof homosexual male as per the usual. However there's a nagging part of me that is second guessing myself and I'm not sure why. So here's the situation.

I started dating Mr.X a couple months ago, right around memorial day, we met, hit it off, and were having a great time. Now Mr. X looks GREAT on paper, he's got a great job, his friends are nice, he's good looking, and he has the conversational skills that many men in DC are unfortunately lacking. But he kept wanting to "keep things casual." This phrase was to pepper the first six weeks of our relationship, which is fine. Casual is good, I like casual, it was the beginning of summer and I wasn't trying to be tied down in any real and binding way, such as having a bf will do.

We started attending benefits together, we'd meet his friends out for swanky drinks, not the HH specials at Tom Tom and Bar Crawls in AdMo like I'm used to, we started being really couple-y, so I figured this was segueing itself into a relationship. I decided at that point that I was ok with the evolution and would just play it by ear, after all this was a nice, cute, funny, and intelligent guy. BTW at no point in this relationship had the deal been sealed... I may be cheap but I'm sure as hell not easy.

Suddendly he got really busy at work, he was up for a new promotion and was very work-oriented. I'm also ok with that, I am also very work oriented, it just so happens that currently there's not a lot of work at my job to orient myself to. However, after that he just stopped calling.

I didn't press the issue, maybe he lost interest, it happens, I wasn't going to moan the loss... I had bigger things to think about like moving, going to the beach, you know...important things.

HOWEVER, this morning he IM's me from out of the blue, asking if I wanted to get together to "talk".... I said I was busy because...... I'm busy.... and if he needed to say something he better type it out or wait until september when I can pencil him in.

He says that he was afraid of getting close to me because he just got out of a bad relationship before we started dating and he thought that I deserved better than "damaged goods." About what a mistake that was and if we could start dating again and how great I was, how I "got him" blah blah blah. Now my first instinct is to say.... F* you, I'm over and done with you, chopstick click!! But there's the nagging suspicion, which has been corroborated by several friends who met and really liked him (my friends are VERY choosy about my gentleman friends) who argue that I may be too hasty in throwing away a guy that had problems but is upfront about it and genuinely likes me and may be a good choice considering my abysmal dating record...... hmmmm what's a guy to do?

Kickball....kicking it's way into your heart!

D.C. Kickball.... consists of many different leagues, lot's of different teams, hundereds of players, who have several things in common:

1) Their love for an inane playground sport that has plays like 'pitchers poison' and was home when I last played it to such arguments that consisted of

A: He's out
B: Nuh uh!
D: NUH UH! You're a doodie head..... and so on and so forth in that manner

*judging by the crowd not much has changed*

2)Their love for imbibing beer, I mean who doesn't like beer?

3) Their boisterous nature which leads them to be obnoxious, publicly drunk, and loud as they sing their fight songs all the way to AdMo and back.

4) Their enjoyment of such handed down collegiate activities as flip cup and keg stands... having only done one keg stand I can't definitively vouch for their fun level but flip cup....c'mon.... it's fun and lets one work on their fine motor functions!

5) Their, in the spirit of team pride, wearing of bright colored Sweatbands, arm bands, bandanas, and soccer socks that come up to the mid thigh.... now that's just hot.

I definitely used to make fun of such people, back when I found their antics to be an annoying addition to the AdMo/DC scene, and after tireless efforts by my friends (Chip + TT) I have been worn down and as of last night..... I..... Dale..... have become a member of a kickball team (Chip+TT's) and attended my first happy hour in that respect.... WOO HOO TO DAY GLOW TEAM UNIFORMS AND DRINKING UNTIL I THINK THAT I LOOK CUTE IN THEM!!!!

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Are you over him?

Talking with co-workers (because do I ever do anything productive?) we were discussing if, and how one could tell if one was over one's last 'ex'. This is the person to whom you referred as your bf, held hands, cuddled in public, all the things that make those single among us want to retch in disgust.

You realize one day that you haven't thought about this person in a week and that's a good thing: you no longer obsess over who they're seeing and if they're happier than you because obviously that is just NOT acceptable, also you stop wondering if they think about you or worry that you're happier than they are.

You don't stress out about seeing them out: one of the pitfalls in DC about having a gay relationship is the inevitable awkward seeing him out post-breakup. This may or may not involve an awkward hello and your friends grilling you the rest of the night about how did that make you feel...

You don't have feelings of malice and wish to do them harm: They aren't worth your time to worry about, you have bigger fish to fry and you don't have time to deal with the little annoying guppies. The opposite of love by the way isn't hate, it's apathy, once you stop being pissed off at them even though you broke up with them in the first place you're in the clear.

As "the boy" put it, "You burn the mother F!#$ing bridge": For me this was a direct email to the person in question who I refer to now as the greasy pedophile migrant worker telling him in no uncertain terms that he was to not contact me or acknowledge my presence in any way shape or form lest my wrath be unleashed with the intensity of a thousand suns (I'm not dramatic, I'm descriptive!)

It also helps if, say, your ex also falls into a very bad string of situations which ends up with him losing his job, most of his friends, and any modicum of respect he once had by his peers..... can anyone think of any others??

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

The Great Gay Mating Dance….. or the Fairy Fandango

While at Rehomo, land of awkward older men in more than awkward square cuts, consuming entirely too much rail booze for their own good I observed in great detail the Fairy Fandango in a myriad of different forms but when broken down to it’s more basic components

The Prep: this is the time when one uses ‘product,’ one participates in wardrobe changes with your sister soldiers, gelling each and every hair into place. This is also the time when some in the gay male culture utilize their makeup skills to transform their face into a rouged up, blushed out eyeliner having array of craziness…I’m opposed to making anything on my face glisten, but that’s a personal preference.

The Entrance: It’s always nice to make an entrance, and to do a walking tour of the bar/club before setting up camp somewhere, it also allows you to adequately market yourself (don’t trip) and point out potential gentleman whom you may want to get to know better.

Real Estate Accrual: Upon entering the bar you want to be in a place where you can adequately survey the surroundings and at the same time be in a place that you will be seen in a good light. This spot can be near the bar and should never be under a colored light which can make you look like a serial killer (one time this guy came up to me after I saw him standing underneath a red light looking like he wanted to eat my liver with fahva beans a nice chianti…. Yeah I call him Scary Gary for a reason)

Making Eye Contact:
Surveying the situation you see a potential individual with whom you would like to socialize with…and take socialize in whatever context you may. Making eye contact is key and once you do the half smile or the wink is key, also key is the subtle eyelash bat, I prefer the half smile, it’s playful, it’s fun, and it lets you know interest, although showing too much teeth makes you seem like a goober and should be avoided if possible.

The Hunt: The hunt has several substeps, the mount, the floor routine, and the dismount……

The Mount: Either you are approached or you approach the subject in question, usually starting with awkward conversation of the “hey my name’s XXX, I haven’t been out in ages, have you been in DC long?” or my personal favorite.. “What are you drinking?... mind if I taste?? Yum I think I’ll get one of those” or something equally complimentary to the persons taste.

The Floor Routine: This will consist of awkward conversation segueing into real conversation, or by that time in the evening when conversation isn’t exactly at the top of your list, dancing, and when I say dancing I mean some booty shaking hip grinding dancing, I’m a big fan, and from my experience has always served me well in “garnering interest”

The Dismount: Comes at the end of the night, are you going home with him/he with you, if this is to happen transportation has to be decided on and if you don’t have wheels he BETTER be metro accessible or someones going to be pissed when they have to drive to Potomac on Saturday morning…..not that that’s ever happened to me? Or are you going to exchange phone numbers and maybe make a decision when you haven’t had 3 long island ice teas and a three wise man shot? Or are you going to leave him without a phone number and a coy “maybe I’ll see you out again sometime +smile” Decisions decisions decisions.

Gay society, being fickle as it does, allows for pitfalls to happen at every and all steps during this process, do you smile too much or not enough? Did you bathe in the wrong cologne and smell a little too much like you’ve got something to hide? Does your dancing make you look like a retarded orangutan on crack? The possibilities are endless, and they wonder why there are still so many Gay men sleeping alone……..

Monday, August 15, 2005

Beach Weekend 2k5 Episode 2: Return of the Gays: Hot or Not

Hot: Hanks Oyster Bar, a delicious restaurant worth the prices….although Chips fish was a little undercooked… I went fried oysters with raw oysters as an appetizer….now if only I’d gotten lucky this past weekend….(I’m not bitter I swear ;))

Not: I-295 getting closed down to one lane making it hell getting out of the city… we were NOT impressed, the only saving grace was Ms. Kelly Clarkson and the good people at Coldplay.

Hot: My parents anticipating our arrival and having Grotto Pizza in the fridge, mmmm stuffing my face at 1am is amazing

Not: Chip taking pictures of me sleeping and drooling in the car on the way to the beach…bastard!!!! It's ok I got him back, we were at a bar in Rehomo and there was a guy in the EXACT same outfit as him so I went up to the two of them and said...HOW CUTE!!! let's take a picture....he he he

Hot: Passing the F out at Rehomo after having the required J.Lo’s love don’t cost a thing in the surf moment, of course having the required going in the water going down coast a little and then coming out of the water to adequately see people/be seen

Not: The attendance at Rehomo…. I was NOT impressed, although chip will disagree, which is why I passed the F out and didn’t think twice about it

Hot: Going out to dinner with the Godfamily/family and having eye sex with the chef because I was bored…. It was after 3 martinis, don’t judge me!!!

Not: Falling down EVERY flight of stairs after said dinner… vodka was not my best friend that night

Hot: Scandalizing Bethany Beach with Chip and my friend from Elementary school while wearing fire engine red booty shorts….. that’s hot.

Not: Dealing with my god-cousins new child…. Babies are satanspawn

Hot: Going out to the bars in Rehomo… watching some drunk fairies trying to mack on each other and stand after drinking that 6th vodka tonic. And seeing my "going out friends" who refer to me as "I knew that bitch Pre MW" we were both Coverboys for MW, also hotness was the coterie that he brought along including the prettiest boy I have ever seen...not hot...pretty, he would have made a really cute girl!

Not: the only guy that came up to me was over 50, overweight, and too drunk to get anything out but…’re hot…… I mean really….

Hot: drunk pictures at the Bars in rehomo….lets see if the disposable camera pulls through.

Not: Making grilled cheese sandwiches for Chip and Friend at 2 in the morning after the bars, drunk cooking is not cute…..not at all….

Hot: Sitting around ALL day afterwards and doing nothing but going to Grotto Pizza to pick up mass amounts of food, watching bring it on, and being a waste of space…YAY VACA

Not: Having Chip and Friend leave….single tear….

Hot: Hanging out with the Godfamily, ordered a BOTTLE of grey goose for martinis at dinner, and then ambled around the boardwalk, gotta love your extended fam.

Not: Almost getting towed from parking in front of my uncle’s beach house because my cousin didn’t know he had lent the beach house to a business friend for the weekend…. Damnit all to poo.

WOO HOO BEACH WEEKEND 2k5 Episode 2: Revenge of the Gays was a complete success, thanks to Chip and my extended family for making it a great weekend…. Oh and the fact that there was more alcohol than there exists in any frat house on the east coast…. Plus all top shelf…. It’s a wonder my liver hasn’t failed from this weekend alone!!!

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Have Fun This Weekend

Have fun tonight at the HH and this weekend, sorry that Chip and I can't make it!! Hopefully we will get the chance to drink and chat with everyone soon!

Some of us are Country Boys.......some of us are NOT......

Ok so, Lucy after posting a comment about her family being old order Mennonite got me reminiscing on the times when my parents tried to de-urbanize me by throwing me into the wilderness.....

1) Family vacations to lancaster Pennsylvania: We stayed at B&B's throughout Lancaster PA and usually with Mennonite families who didn't have electricity, but had running water. My mom would pretend that the lack of alcohol didn't bother her and my dad would pretend he felt comfortable whittling on the front porch with the man of the house.... while I would be catching fireflies or something else equally nauseatingly Norman Rockwell-ian. However these vacations ended after one fateful summer when, while on vacation..... my dad DARED me to touch the electric fence meant to keep goats in.... he didn't think I'd do it.... yeah maybe that's why my hair's curly and my elderly senile aunt thinks I get it permed. After that shocking experience (ha ha bad pun I know) I decided to play with the kids of the people that ran the place, this is when I discovered a new friend called severe allergic reaction. We were playing in the barn and discovered that their cat had just had kittens.... so we each took three kittens in our arms and were walking back to the house to show them to our parents..... by the time I got to the house I was covered in hives, I was wheezing and my face was so swollen I couldn't open my eyes..... can we say epi-pen and the fastest migration back to suburbia in history?? yeah I think so...

2) Sleep away camp. Now I liked sleep away camp, I just think that some higher power realizes that I am not meant to interact with nature, save the beach, and constantly reminds me of this fact. While at summer camp on the Delaware Bay, my summer camp for those of you who know Rehomo/Dewey/Bethany at all, was across the bay from the Rusty Rudder, we used to canoe from our camp to the rudder. ANYWAYS, the delaware marshland is also the breeding ground to horseflies/green flies that are A) as big as your head and B) when they bite it F'ing HURTS!!! So after 2 weeks of sleeping every night in a tent, being eaten alive by bugs that left welts that look like someone beat me, and having my legs torn to shreds by marsh elephant grass, I came home a tanned and happy child....... however, after getting home my mom had to have the sheets changed almost daily because I'd be scratching the bites so bad when I woke up it looked like a murder scene cuz I'd bled all over the sheets....

also! one time when we were living in a hotel for the summer (Our house had flooded and every room was destroyed....except for my room which I think is god's repayment for my awkward teen years) I came home from summer camp after not having showered for 2 weeks, no joke 2 weeks, I was 10 and didn't like the idea of communal showers, especially since our counselor showered with us and there's nothing more embarrassing when your ten than showering with someone who's more....mature.... ANYWAYS I take off my shirt to go swimming in the hotel pool and my mom starts screaming.... I look down and there are two ticks both swollen like WHOAH sticking out from my belly button area, yeah you'd think that I would have noticed that.....hmmmm...... Yeah this is the same summercamp that we all had to come up with nicknames for each other and they came up with "fruitcake" for me.... yeah I thought it was a cool nickname....boy was I dumb :)

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

when my grandmother gets drunk she takes off her wig.....

Went out with my grandfather and my great aunt (grandmothers sister), both of whom live in the same "home," both of whom are noticeably senile, and both of whom are hard of hearing..... needless to say dinner was entertaining.

Now they are both from the asian side of my family, so imagine two old little japanese people toddling around, my G.Aunt now in a wheelchair which probably honestly adds a couple inches to her height as I think she probably stands at about 5' on a good day, my grandfather is about 5'5" (I obviously did not inherit my height from them). Neither one of them will submit to eating out at any restaurant that is not Chinese or Japanese so needless to say I'm all about taking them to get some sushi.

We roll up to one of the few japanese restaurants in MoCo, sit at the table and all of a sudden my G.Aunt looks at me all suprised and she asked "do you get a perm?"...... No.... I didn't.... to which she replied "Oh I wish my hair would do that, where'd you get your perm done?" yeah I just let that one go for a while. This was before she said "I don't like wearing my diaper, it makes my butt look big (thinking to myself "I gotta give her credit, at least she's trying to be sassy")

Then of course it wouldn't be a crazy dinner without Grandpa exclaiming very loudly..... "Hmm I wonder when they started hiring white (he used the japanese word THANK GOD) chefs... that was definitely the 'D'OH moment of the evening.

The entire evening after that G.Aunt would play with her wig, exclaim...hmmm I haven't had teriyaki in a while, and inquire about how I was doing in college (yeah I graduated over a year ago), Grandpa would make mildly racist statements like "there sure are a lot of koreans around huh?" and then go back to eating his sushi, every once in a while giving a semi dirty look to the white sushi chef that he's sure made it wrong......

I hope when I'm old and senile it'll be ok for me to be mildly offensive at all points in my life.... can we say gold lame' track suit and the wrap around sun glasses?!?! also I plan on being able to be mobile under my own volition however I will be wheeled around by a man who I will refer to as Franklin even though that may or may not be his name so he can supply me with martinis and a stick with which I will use to hit people and then make the funny old asian person face like I didn't understand what was quite going on.......


I am sorry to use this space for such a self-serving purpose, but I am eager to learn of people's experiences with two popular photo-sharing sites:

Picasa (a Google venture)



I know a lot of people who use Flickr and enjoy it, but there is something about Picasa that really intrigues me. Anyone have anything to share? Thanks!

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Thumbs Up / Thumbs Down

1) Thumbs DOWN to square cut bathing suits. Dale and I saw far too many of these tragic pieces while at Rehomo. They do not flatter ANYONE's body. What's worse, many of the people who wear them don't have the body to pull off a speedo at all, but they think they can get away with the square cut. WRONG. Get over the fact that you want to wear something tight and realize that you DO NOT LOOK CUTE!

2) Thumbs UP to hot lifeguards. Talented, useful and beautiful!

3) Thumbs DOWN to parking meters and parking permits. Dale and I (read: Dale) had to trek to Tajikistan to keep pumping quarters in our meter. I'm here for the beach, not the former Soviet Union...

4) Thumbs UP to Banana Republic's friends and family days! 30% all items? I think so! Another thumbs UP to outlet shopping. 30% off on some items that are already marked 50% off? Yes, please! The selection is not as great as the regular store, but Banana is pretty bland as it is, and Polo really doesn't change much at all (for which, we are grateful).

5) Thumbs DOWN to Beach Mix Vol. 1. Unfortunately, I must take credit (the blame) for this mishap. I was overzealous in the planning of Beach Mix and incorporated some songs that should definitely been left off (ie Wham)

6) Thumbs UP to Grotto's pizza! Although it is not the best pizza I've ever had, it was most certainly D. Lish.

7) Thumbs DOWN to bad weather. After passing out immediately on our towels on Sunday, Dale and I were rudely awoken by thunder, lightening and the realization that we had to leave. This change in plans resulted in a 90 minute drive from Bethany to Rehoboth (it normally takes about 15 - 20 minutes). Being the great friend that I am, I fell asleep in the passenger seat as Dale had to deal with the traffic.

8) Thumbs UP to the guy handing out the sex survey on Reho on Saturday. Listening to all those queens answer the questions was hilarious! For example:

A: " 'These next questions refer to sex when you're a top.' Who are they kidding, SKIP THIS SECTION!!!"
B: "Amen!"

9) Thumbs DOWN to getting schlockered on Mondays. Fun while you do it, but misery on a Tuesday morning is the last thing anyone needs...

10) Thumbs UP to Amsterdam Falafel. Drunk or sober, it is always delightful!

Monday, August 08, 2005

Beach weekend 2k5 Episode 1: is this life or is this a sitcom?

So.... please let me preface the telling of Beach Weekend 2k5 episode one with a little background info: Every year my parents and my godparents and our two families take a beach trip to Bethany/Dewey/Rehomo, we rent a ginormous house for a couple of weeks and everyone comes to chill out, drink, and bake in the sun. This year was no different, the house that was rented was tots crazy big and everyone got a bed to sleep on (there were 11 people all together).

Saturday Morning circa 6am: I wake up, shower, shave, get my swimsuit and shorts that I purchased at AussieBum on and wake up Chip who was sleeping on the couch and we stumble toward my land cow of a car and drive to the nearest starbucks before becoming a bit disoriented trying to find our way out of the city... In the process we see three women of the evening that had obviously been out working all night.... they were wearing thongs and then what appeared to be a fishnet dress...but that was it, you could totally see all of their breasts, nipples as big as your head, and their copious bah-dunk a dunk. Now when someone is wearing something totally slutty and heinous it will now be referred to as "OMG you look SOOOO 4th and K." The rest of the morning was uneventful, traffic=thumbs down, stopping at a random gas station to get a map and causing several townspeople to have small strokes as I tots sauntered in in booty shorts = thumbs up.

Rehomo Beach- let the games begin: Chip and I planned on going to the beach, peaceing the F out all day and then going to the beach house which was in Bethany a little ways down the road. So we roll up to Rehomo, stake out some prime real estate, and lay down our towels and suntan lotion it up. No one's around and we fall asleep within 15 minutes as getting up at 6 am and having been out drinking the night before (btw local 16 has yummmmy dinner) will tend to take a toll on a body. But then I woke up and was bored so I was re-reading memoirs of a geisha before I realized that me reading that might send the wroooong impression to the gay men around me and I hastily put it away. By that time there were def more people but there was still a bubble of space around our towels, which chip attributes to my oh so pleasant demeanor when I was looking around "I'm sorry but A)I'm not a big smiley person and B) in the sun, I tend to squint, and when I squint I don't look happy, whatever!"

Then I decided to go in the water, do all that and that's when I see one of my "going out friends" who we will call L, Now L is in his early thirties and he's been talking to me ever since the first time I saw him out so we do the air kiss, he introduces me to his friends (all of whom have the same look on their face, it's the face of a hyena when they've spotted a young fawn that's been separated from the heard, I could almost hear the growling begin) and I sat and spoke with them for 2.2 seconds before heading back over to my towel to begin Nap, Episode 1, round 2.
That didn't last long as both chip and I were woken up by a conversation between 3 older gentleman that were talking about their health issues and I kid you not the conversation went:

A: Those a*&holes totally f%$*ed up, they were supposed to check my prostate but he stuck the tube up my Weinie.... (yes he said weinie)
B: Not your weinie!

Which somehow evolved into the conversation, between the same gentleman

A: After 14 years my partner and I decided to have an open relationship
B: Oh that's nice
C: Yeah I don't care where he sticks it as long as he uses protection

Now thankfully I hadn't had breakfast otherwise I would have pooped joke.

Highlight of the day.... talking to a very attractive gentleman in the ocean who was wearing a swimsuit that definitely became clear, not translucent, clear, in the water.

After that we went back to the house, showered, and got ready for dinner by having cocktails.... dinner consisted of 9 bottles of wine for about 8 people, and then we had more cocktails while all the younger people played a%&hole and sat outside. After that we WERE going to go to bed but I had the brilliant idea that Chip and I should go to a club where the party friends were and where also clear bathing suit was going to be so we got ourselves over there, and by that time I was too far gone to dance and talk at the same time.... needless to say my A game was not in effect. So after debating going home, Chip and I headed to Wawa where I quickly became sad drunk (NO GOOD) and shove a meatball sub in my face before passing the F out in bed.

Sunday was non-eventful, got kicked off the beach because of thunder so we went outlet credit card companies LOOOOVE me, traffic on route 1 did not however. Had dinner and then made it back to DC in one piece.... now time to stop, regroup, and get ready for Beach time summer 2k5 episode 2...... Beach Party a GOGO

Friday, August 05, 2005

Summertime....and the livings random.....

So this is going to just be a few tangential story-lettes that I've thought of in the past 24 hours.

1) Actual Conversation between myself and one of my friends this morning on IM

Me: Did you go to XX's party last night
Friend: Yeah, you didn't miss much, it pretty much was a prelude to an orgy
Me: Figures... yeah I'm not really in group sex kind of place right now
Friend: When ARE you in a group sex kind of place
Me: Well I'm sure if that day ever arises I'll recognize it... I'm just really bad at multi tasking... .Also, who invites someone to an orgy with 4 hours of notice? Like he thinks I have nothing better to do on a thursdaythan sit around and wait for him to invite me to an orgy? (In actuality what I did do was go out to dinner with my cousin, polish off a bottle of champagne with my parents, and watched tv with a v. full glass of merlot before heading to bed)
Friend: Yeah nothing special, I left before any of the clothes came off
Me: Yikes - o - Rama

2) Asian Invasion - So I didn't realize but my company is slowly being taken over by Chinese employees, not Chinese-American... like F.O.B. (Fresh off the Boat) people. The one's on my floor have targeted me as a fellow asian, even though I'm only half.... not chinese (japanese), and I'm 6'2", not exactly your typical asian guy on the street... however, I've been pulled into their habits of bowing and overly thanking them for mundane tasks.... I think finally it's like the movie "Species" and the Japanese part is trying to invade my German side.... although that could prove problematic as I'm pretty sure the Germans have annexed most of my face.

3) Please Christ on cracker let it be pretty this weekend, I'm trying to get some color and rock out with the new swimsuit....please please please....

4) I'm currently torn... debating between myself to either go to the gym, thereby proactively burning off the booze and pizza I will be shoving in my face this weekend, or saying screw it and going to happy hour and starting my weekend off with my favorite friend (dirty martini).

Countdown to Roadtrip Beach style 2k5.......a little over 18 hours..... WOO HOO

Thursday, August 04, 2005

La Coterie Des Hommes.... or the gay mans harem..

Inspired by a illuminating post by Kathryn On... I have decided to chronicle the different men that make up Gay relationships, for every gay man, having been around the block once or twice... or like the unfortunate man who goes around 17th st. on his light up roller blades, many many times [*Quick side note, this man does actually exist and I used to gauge how long I'd been at the fox and hound by the number of times he'd come around the block, usually wearing banana yellow pants as well*] has experienced most if not all of these relationships:

The Trick: This is a one night stand, you invariably don't know his last name, it's a toss up if you even get a first name. He doesn't stay the night and you don't have to feel bad about asking him to leave after you have "socialized" with him. If you see him out again after being "social" with him you usually ignore him as he's already served his purpose. Tricks rarely turn into anything more and to expect that is a let down.

The Boyfriend: The boyfriend is someone you date on a semi-regular to regular basis, the boyfriend will hold your hand in public, take you to see sappy movies. You are often seen out with the boyfriend and you introduce him to other people in such a manner. The boyfriend may eventually evolve into the husband but not necessarily. The sex doesn't have to be great, just good. When you break up with this gentleman it's usually a long drawn out process filled with booze and junk food (that is if your diet is different than that to begin with), and seeing them out afterwards is awkward and stilted. You can have more than one boyfriend at a time but not too many as they (especially in DC) will find out about each other.

The Husband: This is the guy that knows you best. He's always available to talk, always willing to come over and hold you and be your pillar of strength. You don't need to have sex with the husband as this relationship fulfills your emotional needs so well. You can have more than one husband in the space of your life but not more than one at a time.

Sister Soldier: These make up your best gay friends, I think besides Chip I have 1 or 2. These are your closest friends that know all your secrets, they know who you've been doing, what you've been drinking, and how you got home (even if you don't remember these facts). They are the ones that will road trip with you at the drop of a hat, make fun of you for wearing the heinous heinous tie dyed shirt, and help you find something more suitable. They are the ones that will get your ass to the gym and then drink the pain from the stairmaster away with you afterwards. They are the most dialed gay people in your cellphone at any time and will sit you down and tell you you're being a jerk if you're being a jerk. You can sleep in the same bed with them without fear of any "misunderstandings" arise and wake up the next morning and go right to brunch. You feel totally comfortable eating the greasiest food in front of them. You would or have rubbed their back when they've had some digestive pyrotechnics and put them in bed.

"Going Out" friends: These are friends that ONLY exist within the confines of a club/bar/lounge/social event. You go out and see them and do the air kisses (twice like the french OBVY) and stand around and basically talk trash with them about everyone else there. They know the bouncers/bartenders/owners or you do and you all pool together your combined social resources to garner free drinks, VIP room passes, and getting drinks poured in the 'big girl cups' (for those of you that have been to nation you should know what I mean). These are friends that may or may not drive you home but there are no social ties outside of the "scene" they don't know about your BF problems or your job. There's no hard feelings if they go home with someone and leave you at the bar, unless they also leave you with the tab in which case you track that ho' down like a dog in the street.

The SD (Sugar Daddy): Now if you fit into the young, doe eyed, and helpless category (Chip would say I fit into this category), you can attract the sugar daddy's. Now in DC those would consist primarily of Lawyers and Corporate Execs who came out in their late 30's early 40's, have more money than they know what to do with and feel that they should use this money to date 20 year olds. They will pay for drinks, vacations, clothes, dinner, theater tickets etc. but it's best to keep the relationship as physical as possible and not emotional. Getting your SD attached to you is a baaad idea and can lead to many awkward conversations that can include.... "do you know you're old enough to have been in HS with my parents?"

That's all I can think of... perhaps after a gay-tacular weekend in Rehomo I'll be able to think of some more....

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Manners, lost in the modern age.

This morning after avoiding the shoe-less wonders and wading through the mekong bamboo forest that is my co-workers office my co-worker whom we will call C and I were chatting as we do in the mornings before we take our morning naps and before we go to starbucks in order to do the hour and a half of work we pretend take us all day. After chatting about the pro's and con's of naming your sex toy or "bedroom accessory" we started talking about the commute to and from the seventh circle of hell also known as 'work'.

I was bitching about the lack of know-how on the DC metro system. Now I'm a firm FIRM supporter of the DC government spending money to have helpful signs such as "please stand on the right," and "you idiot tourist do NOT stand in front of the metro doors as people are trying to get off" as well as "if you can't figure out the metro card system please stand to the side, I'm hungover and in no mood for your shenanigans." That being said, this morning I would like to applaud the good men and women that made my morning commute the least painful, the metro was cool, the seats were available, and I wasn't faced with any tour groups.....and I'm sorry but 7am and you're taking a tour? there's something unsettling about that.

My co-worker C, who is a sass-nut to the max, was bitching about the lack of the "wave" when letting someone into your lane on the highway. We were discussing a$#holes that do not participate in this system and the very very polite people (of which group I am a part of when I drive to work) that if I let someone into my lane and they wave, I will wave back as a kind of signifying and validating their giving of thanks, I feel it's the best way to go. Now 495 = crapfest,
395= crapfest, GW pkwy = crapfest, why should one compound that terror with the added stress of people being all types of rude. Everyone's trying to get to work, nobody's happy about it, and if you are you're obviously still drunk from the night before and need to pull over, there's no need to be a raging bitch in driving form. The washington area has one of the worst commutes in the country, although compared to, we'eve got it pretty good. When I was living there the average speed of an automobile within the city was 10 miles an hour and the Tube closed down once due to 1 inch of snow....DC isn't THAT bad.

Take home message is commute = sucktacular. Commute with non-idiot non-rude people = less sucktacular

In other news Chip and I will be on the Delaware shore this weekend, anyone else also traversing?

Tuesday, August 02, 2005

My Office.... a.k.a the Funny Farm

I feel that scientific research of any sort, for an extended period of time tends to make one eccentric, nay, weird... I think to be eccentric you have to have at least a million dollars and refer to yourself either in the royal we or refer to dead relatives as if you just got off the phone with them.

The people in my office could definitely populate a sitcom/docudrama... examples:

Lack of shoes: Started out with a small middle aged jewish man at the end of the hall who would take his shoes off as soon as he got in, he'd be wearing socks, and a suit, so now he's the little jewish man puttering around with just dress socks on and no shoes. Now it wouldn't be that big of a problem if other people didn't jump on the bandwagon so now there are at least 5 people who just don't wear shoes between the hours of 9-5, this includes to meetings and I assume the bathroom, which makes me sad and queasy.

Bamboo Woman: Woman on my hall who, when you step into her office looks like there should be a geisha serving some tea and a ninja peeking from behind one of the huuuuuuge bamboo plants that she currently owns. Which incidentally are right next to the painting of chinese calligraphy that she has. And no this is not a Asian Sister, this would be the whitest white woman in life. I always feel oppressed when I go in there, that and I expect her to say something like "wanna get sushi?" and being part asian I'm not sure if that should offend me.........although spicy tuna roll = happy tummy.

Gay Co-worker who keeps poster sized picture of other Gay co-worker: On my floor the gay men outnumber the straight men (that's right sisters, we'eve kept our eyes on the prize all this time and look where it's gotten us!!), so needless to say there's drama a go go and one of the reasons why I keep the door to my office shut for the most part. Anywho, go to talk to one of the other 'Mo's' about my translation of a document that I'm working on and I turn and there's a poster sized picture of another gay co-worker. Now as far as I know they aren't dating, I may have to do a little more research but I don't think so. But that's just odd, I'm sorry even if it wasn't a coworker, to have a poster sized picture of someone you know in your office = weird.

Gay Co-worker who Scares not Shares.... a LOT: Another gay-coworker, who actually just quit to move in with his ugly boyfriend of 3 months and have a commitment ceremony, was under the impression that we were besty's... we weren't. So one day I'm IM'ing him instead of doing work and he sends me this link because we were talking about models/modeling (gays talking about something superficial? SHOCK AND SUPRISE) and he sends me this link to "his portfolio". Yeah they were naked pictures of him all over my computer screen, I snarfed my Iced latte like whoah and had to awkwardly avoid him until.... well he quit.

So in summary, Scientific research breeds weirdness.... and apparently in me breeds the capacity to take more than 2 naps in an 8 hour period while feigning actual productivity!

Monday, August 01, 2005

Addendum to 'Weekend Roundup'

1) Thumbs down to focusing on Long Island Iced Teas at events featuring open bars... you ALWAYS do me wrong... (editor's note: This refers to the events of Thursday night, which is not technically the weekend, but I'm including it anyway. Get over it.)

2) Thumbs way, WAY up to Azar Nafisi and all the proud Muslim sisters holding it down in Tehran. "Reading Lolita in Tehran" all weekend? I think so! She is the second coming of Sally Field in "Not Without my Daughter," unlike some people we know, *cough* Nassrin...

3) Thumbs up to people watching in Dupont Circle... apparently the circus is in town! (Dale?) Thumbs down, however, to Sketchy McSketcherson chilling in five differnet seats over the course of 30 minutes trying to get picked up (to NO avail).

3) Thumbs DOWN to Ikea (this needs to be reiterated). Way too much time and energy spent for a mere kitchen table.

4) Thumbs up to hottie Silver Fox in Ikea! At least the trip wasn't completely worthless... "Hey there, wanna get nasty on top of the Sultan Hovsten?"

5) Thumbs down to the vehicular mess on 16th street, but thumbs up to my superb driving skills in *narrowly* avoiding a huge wreck. I still feel more safe than when Dale is behind the wheel...

6) Thumbs up to Kashi crunch and blueberries: Healthy breakfast incorporating a super food? Yes please! D. Lish.

7) Thumbs up to Coldplay, without which no weekend of Chip and Dale would be complete!

Weekend Roundup

This weekend was the usual whirlwind of adventure and mishaps.... but everyone came out of it ok and nobody lost an least to my knoweledge as of yet. Some highlights/random thoughts include

1)Thumbs up on cocktails 2 for 1 at Halo. Thumbs down to the clientele who were wearing an indordinate number of white jeans. I'm sorry this is not Twisted Sister and you are not Dee Snyder, please refrain from use of the white jeans. (This also refers to the acid washed and black variety as well).

2) Thumbs towards the side to AdMo on a friday night, good thing much alcohol was had before going there otherwise I would have had to kick some sorostitute with my nice shoes. Drinks, good and cheap and Falafel at 3 in the morning while drunk is the most fantastic creation on the planet. Also afterwards unlike the Jumbo Slice, I don't feel like I need to have a Mary Kate Moment.

3) Starting Saturday off with bloody marys and steak, segueing into champagne and the movie "friday" and finishing off the day with various wine and margaritas and sushi = glorious glorious day.

4) Being at cobalt on saturday night, having your friend say "oh that guys kind of cute" and you then promptly going up to him, inform him that you two are now dancing and proceed to do things that scare the other club patrons? I'm gonna go ahead and thumbs up/green light that one..... a little scandalous behavior never hurt anyone.

5) Getting bored with cute dance guy and then exiting the club.... somehow making it home without spending any money, I don't think I took the metro but I haven't ruled it out yet, and waking up in your own bed alone, with all your money and your ID/ credit card? Priceless beyond belief, I would have high fived myself but the room was spinning and I had to pull the foot on the floor hand on the wall routine so I wouldn't fall off.

6) Brunch with friends and family of friends? Thumbs up to that, brunch is my new favorite. It's tots salt n' pepa to my existence at this moment in time.

7) Ikea trip from hell? Thumbs unequivocally down, the crowd consisted of gay couples, mullet having rednecks, and people so fresh off the boat they still had barnacles attached! Thankfully Chip and I entertained ourselves by being huge bitches about anyone in a five foot radius.

8) Cafe Asia for dinner? I'm gonna go ahead and say thumbs up, I probably would have appreciated it more had I not been shoving food/booze in my face for the previous 48 hours, but yummy nonetheless.

9) Crowning moment of the week was seeing this hot mess outside of Harris Teeters on SUNDAY.....

Yes friends, that would be a woman in a white dress with a teal and green wig on, chilling out in the Harris Teeter Parking lot. Now the woman in question was also over 6 feet tall with heels. I was so confused because A) I didn't think Cirque de Soleil was in town B) Carnivale is totally over and C) She didn't look drunk or high. I guess she was a walking homage to Ms. Lil Kim who is unable to wear teal and green wigs due to her unfortunate incarceration. So this weekend will go down as a success. I WAS going to have a Betty Ford week but it's unclear as to whether or not that's going to happen.....