Wednesday, August 10, 2005

when my grandmother gets drunk she takes off her wig.....

Went out with my grandfather and my great aunt (grandmothers sister), both of whom live in the same "home," both of whom are noticeably senile, and both of whom are hard of hearing..... needless to say dinner was entertaining.

Now they are both from the asian side of my family, so imagine two old little japanese people toddling around, my G.Aunt now in a wheelchair which probably honestly adds a couple inches to her height as I think she probably stands at about 5' on a good day, my grandfather is about 5'5" (I obviously did not inherit my height from them). Neither one of them will submit to eating out at any restaurant that is not Chinese or Japanese so needless to say I'm all about taking them to get some sushi.

We roll up to one of the few japanese restaurants in MoCo, sit at the table and all of a sudden my G.Aunt looks at me all suprised and she asked "do you get a perm?"...... No.... I didn't.... to which she replied "Oh I wish my hair would do that, where'd you get your perm done?" yeah I just let that one go for a while. This was before she said "I don't like wearing my diaper, it makes my butt look big (thinking to myself "I gotta give her credit, at least she's trying to be sassy")

Then of course it wouldn't be a crazy dinner without Grandpa exclaiming very loudly..... "Hmm I wonder when they started hiring white (he used the japanese word THANK GOD) chefs... that was definitely the 'D'OH moment of the evening.

The entire evening after that G.Aunt would play with her wig, exclaim...hmmm I haven't had teriyaki in a while, and inquire about how I was doing in college (yeah I graduated over a year ago), Grandpa would make mildly racist statements like "there sure are a lot of koreans around huh?" and then go back to eating his sushi, every once in a while giving a semi dirty look to the white sushi chef that he's sure made it wrong......

I hope when I'm old and senile it'll be ok for me to be mildly offensive at all points in my life.... can we say gold lame' track suit and the wrap around sun glasses?!?! also I plan on being able to be mobile under my own volition however I will be wheeled around by a man who I will refer to as Franklin even though that may or may not be his name so he can supply me with martinis and a stick with which I will use to hit people and then make the funny old asian person face like I didn't understand what was quite going on.......

24 comments:

Miss Penny Lane said...

Hey!! Bite your tongue! I stand 5' on a good day!! ;)

Miss Penny Lane said...

By the way, wish I coulda been there for that meal--sounds about as hysterical as the yentas and altekachers in my family.

The Party Girl said...

The style of my Grandmother's wig is called "Irene." After learning this, my mom, aunts and Grandma began referring to the wig as Irene.

Your family sounds MUCH more entertaining than mine. And that is saying quite a bit. I'm always very much amused by them.

indi said...
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Dale said...

Oh My Grandmother and all my great Aunts used to trade wigs and literally take them off on hot days, but obviously only when they weren't freshly permed with their hair all cotton candy tacular atop their teeny tiny little selves.

Oh and Party Girl, that aint nothing.... mumsy/dadsy and my godparents tend to get 'colorful' when drunk.... whose mom sings "memories" when she's drunk??? MINE DOES!!

Dale said...

ha ha MPL I have NOTHING against the vertically challenged.... at the beach last weekend I made the comment to Chip that "it's like we'eve returned to munchkin land, everyone is so short" To which Chip replied before passing out again, "ummm no, you're just freakishly tall"

Miss Penny Lane said...

I was traumatized in elementary school when Randy Newman's "Short People" song came out. Alas, I like being short, I suppose. And one might argue that I am 5'1", but I don't think so. Will you fellas be at the blogger bash tomorrow night??

Miss Penny Lane said...

Forget that last question...I saw the comment on Kathryn's blog. If you don't make it, then we'll just have to meet elsewhere soon!

aklsdjhfa said...

Unfortunately, we will be unable to attend. We'll be on our way to 'Beack trip 2k5: Round 2." IF you take 2 shots too many in our absence, we will be with you in spirit! Looking forward to the next happy hour though!

Dale said...

oh for shizzle.... yeah def can't go, I've planned a gay afternoon for myself, gym, facial, and sushi, and then.... BEACH!!!!!! anyone gonna be in rehomo this weekend? meet up for drinks?

Dop said...

Chip, why wait? Cane-bashing while being rolled around in a wheelchair sounds like a hoot! Same with your "oldies". All mine died when I was a kid - tracing my family tree has proven tricky without them. But my parents' sibs are getting up there, so I expect lots of fun stories.

Complacent Chase said...

Damn..I was hoping to meet you guys too tomorrow. Oh well!
The dinner with your G. Aunt and Granddad sounds so funny! I too plan on being a bitchy, unPC, perverted old woman when I grow up! We will have to get together and sit in the park and trip young people with our canes! hee hee

Dale said...

DOP, thanks for the comment, I'm assuming you meant myself as Dale, not chip wrote the post.... Yeah thankfully my extended family (and it's Ginormous) keeps pretty good records and such...plus were all crazy, makes for an interesting thanksgiving!

Chase-ing... Sounds like a plan, just park me close enough to hit the small children with my cane and then laugh maniacallly.... plus, I'm totally having a pimped out wheelchair with a martini holder built in!

The Party Girl said...

Dale - One day we can fully discuss which one of our families is more drunk-tastic.

But one story comes into my head that I simply must share: A few years ago the whole crew (7 people) went to dinner together for some family event. My dad got drunk, stuck a piece of lettuce on his head and asked the waitress if she liked his toupee.

And people wonder where I get it from...

Dale said...

oh we will definitely have to compare stories.... what does everyones next week look like? Tuesday or thursday perhaps for some drinks????

Rhinestone Cowgirl said...

Snort! Your family sounds like a hoot. I just have regular ol' crazy in my family (my mom's side, anyway) - on my dad's, they're all old order mennonite. Needless to say, family reunions are boooooooooooooooooring. PAINFULLY so.

Dale said...

yeah, even chip has I'm sure a story or two about how Dysfunctional we are.... We do put the FUN in dysfunction!!!

The Boy said...

Please make drinks accessible to somewhere near the gayborhood! Georgetown/Upper NW are just too far.

Dale said...

So shall we say an impromptu Happy hour on tuesday?? I live on capitol hill so the gayborhood is the further southish the better... maybe JR's or Halo for HH??

Asian Mistress said...

When I am a little old asian woman, I hope to be that cool.

Oh, I won't be around for any gayborhood events. Poo.

DC Cookie said...

I love when my parents and their friends get drunk. They put on DVDs of the Beach Boys or Cher and sing really loudly and dance like white people (aka, off beat and with gratuitous air guitar).

Won't it be fun when you can do that stuff an nobody cares or makes fun of you anymore (except your kids)?

Complacent Chase said...

I want one of those Scooters you see the old people in those infomercials with...so I can roll over people's feet! hee hee
And everytime I woman walks by I am going to yell, "slow down...I smell hair burning". ha ha

Dale said...

Oh I'm defintely going to have some rhinestone sunglasses and quote from Steel Magnolias at all times of the day.... for example...

Some woman will pass by my chair and I will turn to "franklin" and say "I don't trust a woman that does their own hair" and then sip my martini....

VP of Dior said...

dale, thats fucking hilarious. my wheelchair pusher/man servant will be named "Belvedere Benson".

"There's so much static electricity in this room, I pick up everything but boys and money."