Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Happy New Year......Asian Style

This Chinese New Year (either year 4703 by the Chinese Calendar, 18 by the Japanese Calendar, or 2006 by the Cracker calendar) is the year of the Fire Dog…. Or as I like to appropriately name it…. This year is the year of the FLAMING B*TCH!!! (which obviously means it’s my year!!) Although last year was the year of the Hardwood C*ck, so it’s going from good to better I guessJ.

Last night was the annual celebration that I have with my Grandfather and Great Aunt. They obviously never cease to amaze me with the amount of politically incorrect banter that comes out of their mouths at any point in any social situation. I think they get away with it because you can’t fault old Japanese people, they’re just too effing cute.

I showed up to “the home” to pick them up and my Grandfather wheeled out my Great Aunt in her red, knit, sweater jacket with the oversize brass buttons that EVERY old asian lady has. Old asian ladies have these jackets in every shade of fluorescence known to man btw. On getting into the car my Aunt stopped to check out and re-adjust her wig in the side view mirror…. That made me smile that I come by my diva-ness 100% naturally. PS my aunt is so short she’s actually eye level with the side-view mirror so it makes sense.

We get to the Chinese restaurant, and were promptly ushered into the “Asian People” room of the restaurant which, has an extended menu, because were obvy Asian VIP. I ordered and then we get down to a serious conversation, Michelle Kwan’s chances of getting gold in Torino. Any Asian athlete and were all over it. Who’s family has a scrapbook devoted entirely to Kristi Yamaguchi’s career? Oh that’s right us.

At this point my Great Aunt gets all sixth sense on me. My great aunt is a reverse vampire and gets crazy when the sun goes down, and apparently at this point is able to talk to dead people which is unsettling and creepy to say the least, and talks about relatives that have been dead for 10 years that apparently she “had breakfast with.” PS, apparently my great uncle, her brother, had the nick name of “Sug” pronounced “Shoog” like Suge Knight. Was my Great-Uncle the original gangsta?? All signs definitely point to yes.

We finish our dinner, and there may or may not have been a whole fish on our table at one point, and are served with some sort of Chinese Dessert, to which both my Grandfather and Great Aunt turn their noses up to and say in hushed voices…. “Is this what Chinese people eat?” To which I reply, “Well we are at a Chinese restaurant so it’s a good bet.” And they both scrunch their faces up and push their bowls away... .klass, pure klass. On the way home I ask out loud… “I wonder why it wasn’t more crowded in the main room, and my Grandfather, with all the conviction of a man giving testimony replied…. “Oh I don’t think white people know about Japanese New Year,” Smooth Grandpa, real smooth.

My fortune cookie that obviously dictates my fortune for this year read: “You will maintain good health and enjoy life.” I think I’ll take it J

Monday, January 30, 2006

Weekend Wrap Up

1) Working late on a Friday is not so bad when you take an hour break to attend happy hour.

2) I don't expect to go to Apex on a Friday night again any time soon. $8 cover? Who are you kidding? I'm usually on there on Thursdays, when I have to remind myself that the only reason the kiddies are talking to me is because they can't buy their own drinks. Whatever happened to fake ID's? I usually am not into guys who are that young, do you think asking for sips of my drink is going to change that? On Fridays, however, I realized the scene is a bit different. Upon arriving, I excused myself to use the restroom. The line was out the door, but these lines are usually pretty quick. Surprisingly, the line at Apex was not very quick. Once I got into the bathroom and could get a view of the traffic by the urinals and stalls, the reason for the slow-moving line became apparent: NO ONE was using the urinals; everyone was waiting for the stalls. Do people really use drugs after college? Did I not get that memo? Whatever happened to reckless abandon in college, doing things you're surprised didn't land you in the hospital or jail and then moving on?

3) Line of the night: A shirtless twink approaches Dale as he and I are upstairs trying to prevent permanent ear damage due to the horrific karaoke performances. The twink says:
"Hey Tokyo, you know where I can find some tina?" I almost threw up from laughing so hard...

4) I am not drinking whiskey for a very long time, that is once I finish the bottle of Crown in my apartment...

5) The morale around my office has been kind of low lately. I'm tempted to to introduce a "snap cup" a la Legally Blonde 2, but that's just a bit too gay, even for me.

6) I'm more excited for next week's Grey's Anatomy than I am the Super Bowl. While you may not be surprised, b/c you probably think that since I'm gay I'm not big into sports, but that is not the case. The fact of the matter is, I really don't care about the Seahawks or the Stillers very much. For sentimal reasons, I am pulling for the Stillers, b/c I'd like to see the Bus win a championship in his hometown before he retires.

7) I want to end this post on something other than sports (let's face facts, no one visits this site to read about sports), so I'll just say that I am really digging the song "Get Confused" by Fischerspooner right now.

Weekend Roundup, Recovery needed...

Ok so, Friday night was SUPPOSED to be a quiet night in.... wasn't going to do much of anything, make dinner and watch movies.... And once again I'm proven to be a big fat liar. My friend from 6th grade called as I was leaving work to tell me she was driving down from DE, and that we were going to be hanging out... which was great!! Still planning on having la nuit calme I made meatballs and pasta and we drank some red wine, and she promptly passed out. Then later on I get a call from Chip and it takes all of 15 seconds to convince me to leave sleeping beauty at the G spot and meet him, The Boy, and Mrs. Jesus out at Juniors. I actually showed up *gasp* sober *BIG GASP* as my family values tour is in full effect, to which Mrs. Jesus exclaimed "I don't know how I feel about sober/responsible Dale." It was also stated that I was "dressed very conservatively," I still wonder about that statement. We couldn't convince Mrs. Jesus to join the rest of the ladies out at Sadlands/Gaypex but I always enjoy her company!!!

At Sadlands I saw more people from my past that I've wanted to forget about than I care to communicate at this moment. I will let Chip regale y'all with the stories, but suffice it to say before we went home, I did watch Chip dry hump The Boy who was trying to be all rico suave on the dance floor. At the 11th hour we were going to meet up with Cornelius, but as fate would have it that was not to be.

Saturday night my cousin came to town to hang out in "the city." He's from frederick aka Fred-neck and is a little... ummmm rural in personality. I think that he thinks he's a good ole boy instead of borderline WT but that's really neither here nor there. If we stood next to each other btw, you would have NO idea that our parents (his dad my mom) are not only siblings but twins. We're the same height (6'3") but that's where all the similarities end. He has blonde hair, blue eyes, used to play lacrosse and looks like it (except for the beginnings of a spare tire) and then there's tall and gangly me, brown/black hair, brown eyes all types of ethnic, buah ha ha ha.

On the way out to the bars, while standing there getting stared at on the metro as I heard someone yelling my name... I turn around and weirdest thing ever, my parent's friends from HS who had a kid my age and whom I used to play with all the time (haven't seen him in at least 10 years) recognized me and came up to say hi. Like honestly the last memory I have of hanging out with him we were playing Thundercats, I think he was lion-o and I was Tygra. He always got to be liono.... not that I'm bitter....

I may or may not have shared a cab ride home with my friend from 6th grade and two marines that may have invited us to some party, and drunk friend A thought it'd be a good idea to invite them back to my house.... I'm sorry lady that was NOT a good idea... besides if I have ONE more "straight" guy say he wants to "experiment" with me I am gonna hurt somebody.

Sunday I may have had a date. He's not the type of guy I usually go for (Read: nice guy) but I'm going to give him 3 strikes before I pull a Heidi and have to say "sometimes, when you're dating me, you're either in or your out... I'm sorry you're out... Auf Wiedersehen."

P.S.- I totally had a dream that my iPOD had evolved and was now capable of playing TV shows... and the two shows that apparently I had downloaded ALL of into my iPOD were "Daria" and "Futurama"..... weird.

P.P.S- Baby Jessica has just gotten married according to This Article, wow I feel old when I have the "remember when I was 5 and either in kindergarten of first grade and talking about the girl that fell down the well" convo with the teacher... and me caring more about snack time than some dumbass girl who proved Darwins theory that some people just aren't meant to survive.

P.P.P.S- Sunday was the official start of the Lunar New Year. This year is the year of the B*tch (aka dog). Besides of course the lovely Chip and Myself who were born in said year, others include, J. Lo, Madonna, Liza Minelli, Judy Garland, Dolly Parton, Sophia Loren, Elvis, Clinton, Mother Theresa and Confucius.... best Chinese astrology sign ever??? I think that's a hearty yes maam.

Friday, January 27, 2006

I'm sorry.... I need a moment.....

Allright so all I have to say is TGIF... I have had a few DC GAYS OF OUR LIVES MOMENTS recently and it being friday I'll share a smattering.

1). On my drive to work this morning, leaving what is definitely a gay dominated neighborhood in SW, I pulled up behind a car that had the bumper sticker "Marriage = (picture of stick figure man) + (picture of a stick figure woman)." I, having just had my first sip of glorious french roast coffee was NOT going to let this small minded mongoloid ruin my otherwise enjoyable drive into work. What was my response?? Wait until it was green go up beside him and get to the next light which was red... turn to him.... and start blowing kisses and making other rude gestures... he may or may not have almost hit a pedestrian in response. I swear, come into my city with that mess?? B*tch please.

2). While catching up with a friend I haven't spoken to in a while last night, we were discussing dating and boys etc. And I asked him whom he was dating, and we were talking about the last guy and I asked...

Dale: So where did XXXX work?
Friend: He worked for the Department of Transportation
*Awkward Silence*
Friend: yeah I know.... don't even get me started

I don't have anything against the D.O.T. I just find it hilarious that in the lunchroom that is the Executive Cabinet, that there are clear cut lines on who gets to sit at the cool kids table (State, Defense, Intelligence, Justice), who's pretty much friends with everybody (Education, Labor, Commerce, Treasury) and then those with the pocket protectors getting excited over the extra credit they've already done for their advanced Calc classes (Energy, Transportation, Interior, Agriculture)

3). Also on my drive this morning, while still enjoying my french press goodness I was going through random stations in the loaner car, which I'm still not comfortable driving. As I was going through I hear a little poppy tune, so I'm jamming..... I'm jamming.... all of a sudden the phrase "and we raise our prayers up to you oh lord" comes through and I almost cause a major accident on the GW pkwy as I freak out that I had been blaring *gasp* CHRISTIAN ROCK for the better part of 5 minutes. I have the suspicion that the Bourney's/ Vangeys are trying to take over DC. It was just WAAAAYYYY too early in the morning for me to be filled with Christs love. the only man I wanted inside of me at that moment was Juan Valdez and I had taken care of that already.

4). Last night I spent a good 20 minutes chastizing this gentleman whom is applying for a position for the clandestine role that is gentleman caller about how he was wrong for, when moving up to the DC area, to choose to live in Vag as opposed to the Delectable District or Marvelous Maryland. I'm just suprised that the gentleman gave in as quickly as he did.... it's my powers of persuasion people... plus the undeniable fact that the Vag is icky.

5). I find it hilarious that, every time I get off at the Gallery Place/ Chinatown metro stop and I see a tourist, they give me this knowing look like oh of course this is where I get off... like I'm going to now run off to my great uncles acupuncture shop and practice my piano/violin while doing complex calculus. I just want to walk up to these people and say.... I'm not chinese, I was born in Baltimore, stop looking at me like I'm about to start spouting confucius and hong kong fuey somebody.... sheesh.

****I'm sorry I just had to share this update... it's too effing good. This is literally a text message from someone whose number I didn't recognize but turned out to be a co-worker that I had drunkenly given my number to one evening at Cobalt****

"Today is national Good Looking day. Send this message to anyone you know who is good looking. Don't send it back to me. I've had hundreds of them."

I'm sorry, but is that normal friday work behavior????

Oh and to all my friends who are wondering "why didn't Dale send me that txt message as I am obviously good looking" yes all my friends are capable of making men swoon and women jealous but I don't participate in the chain-letter behavior. sorry... just don't.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Someone's got a dirty little secreeeet

Ok not really but these are some things that make me inexplicably "Dale"

A). I've only ever driven a Buick Lesabre in my life. I am 23 and never have I driven any other type of car except for sole instances that lasted under 20 minutes. I am currently on my second incarnation of said Buick Lesabre... the current incarnation is Lezzie the Garnet Wonder... the one before was Bertha the Blue Baroness. People are generally very suprised that I, in all my gayness would ever drive such an automobile as they are made for 65 year old white women who only use it to drive to the store and back. Well let me just tell you a few things about my luxury automobile

  1. Three people can sit in the backseat without touching each other
  2. Three people can comfortably sit in the front seat as was evident on previous road trips
  3. Definitely conducive to sleeping in passenger/back seats on looooong road trips
  4. Everybody assumes I'm 65 in that car so they generally get out of my way
  5. Lezzie is the color of my alma mater, Bertha was the color of my HS.... that's how I picked them out.
I'm currently driving a Pontiac V6 and honestly it's not very comfortable although it IS very flashy.

*I'm not a big car person.... while living in London a gentleman whom I was dating had a Bentley.... I thought it was a volvo.... I actually said... "I love how volvos handle turns" yeah he thought I was a moron*

B) I secretly want to be the subject of a Missed Connection on Craigslist, for absolutely no reason. I may or may not post one to myself later.

C) I have an addiction...... to herbal tea. Since my place of employment is Senor Cheapo and only pop for Lipton and Lipton De-caf and brown water which they pass off as coffee, all of which make me want to cry a little, I and the good people at Safeway have seen to it that I am fully herbally equipped. How many different kinds of tea do I have currently in my office? that's right 8 different kinds of Herbal Decaf (2 boxes of samplers) and one box of Tazo..AWAKE! My sweat may or may not smell like Mandarin Orange or Lemon Zinger.

D) Ever since I was little.... I've had an addiction to Kosher Dill pickles... I used to no lie eat at least 3 a day.... and sometimes I'd drink the pickle juice. The theory is discusting but for some reason I'm ok with that....

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Etiquette is the poo so take a big whiff!!!!

As the reigning Duchess of Protocol I would like to say with great alacrity that the Gay men in DC sorely need a lesson in etiquette as much for their sake, as well as to not offend the delicacy of my very nature....or I'll kick you in the shins!!

Here are some pointers to make you and your friends a little more disco and little less doo doo.

1). As Chip has pointed out in previous posts.... facial hair... go hard or go home, fu manchu? no. Soul patch?? No. That wrap around thing that goes from your sideburns to your chin but only in a .5" strip along what should be your jaw line??? HELLLZ No. I don't personally like the full on beard but I can understand the appeal, however weed whacking your face like a topiary isn't cute, you aren't a maze garden, stop it.... My favorite is personally smooth and clean or quasi scruffy, although that can get old....

2) posture Posture POSTURE!!! Now I realize having been afflicted with the scoliosis plus years of gymnastics, posture is important.. I always sit like I've got a back brace on much to the chagrin of my slouchier friends. However, if I'm out at a club and there are two guys of equal hotness (on my scale of one to oh sweet jesus I'm melting over here) I will invariably give the one with better posture bonus snaps for standing at attention. And just so there's no confusion posture consists of:
  • Shoulders back and chest out, not sticking out awkwardly but imagine that there's a string coming out of the center of your chest leading you forward.... you should be leading with your chest and hips in a straight line
  • Chin should be parallel with the floor, don't turn up your nose cuz that's not lady like.
  • Hips should also be square with the floor, and not rolled under, this de-emphasizes your butt while emphasizing your gut..... not cute.
3) Jeans.... Acid washed? not cute. Non matching denim patches on your jeans?? not cute. jeans in which your butt crack shows? not cute. I've seen alllllll of these things in the past week and come on Gay DC... you can surely do better than that.

4) Product in hair.... more than a dime sized portion is more than you need. If I see one more queen out at JR's with so much product in his hair he could be mistaken for a sea urchin from the neck up I'm going to have a fit..... a big one.....

5) Scent: Unless you're at the Eagle, where as I understand the au naturale smell is applauded, please use deoderant. That being said, cologne is also welcome, but A. Make sure it doesn't clash with your deoderant and B. Don't bathe in it, a cologne/ eau de toilette is supposed to accentuate you and you're ensemble quietly and subtlely.... you don't want everyone to know you're in a room ten minutes before you arrive... especially if it was that cheap CK knockoff crap that I smelled last week at Remmies... made me want to cry for Gay men with good taste everywhere.

Please gentleman...let's make this city a little bit more lovely and a little less lackluster.....

Hump Day

1) The format of this post is in homage to The Boy.

2) My upcoming weekend has gone from entertaining an out of town guest (and one of my oldest friends) to working, sans guest. All I have to say is it's a good thing I get paid OT...

3) My gym seemingly plays the same videos over and over. Has anyone else noticed a disturbingly striking resemblance between NYSNC's "Girlfriend" and Justin's "Like I Love You?" The latter is clearly superior, both visually and aurally, but its lack of originality does not help.

4) Kobe Bryant is capable of things most humans can't even dream. While I am adamantly NOT a fan of King Kobe, I am still in complete awe. It's a good thing I passed up the opportunity to see him play in High School because I "didn't feel well" (did I mention he did a 360 dunk in the middle of the game?) Smart Chip, real smart.

5) Tonight I'm bowling, and I cannot emphasize how excited this makes me. I will be reminded of slow summers in Broommall and Pin-Up Bowl in St. Louis. Tonight's experience will clearly be more like the latter, due to its WASPy clientele and over-priced drinks, but I will remember them both.

6) Did anyone see Iron Chef American, Flay v. Burke, Battle Lamb? Easily the best ICA episode to date. How they select someone as ignorant as Jewel when it comes to food is beyond my comprehension. Didn't her career end years ago and isn't she now living in a car again? No? Maybe she should... Just kidding Jewel, you know I love you.

7) On Thursday, I have jury duty. While there have been a plethora of incredible films focusing on the courtroom or juries (ie 12 Angry Men), I will be thinking of none other than the Pauly Shore classic... Speaking of Mr. Shore, how on EARTH did he manage to land so many starring movie roles?!?!?

8) I'm pleased to report that I no longer have Creed stuck in my head. If that's not reason enough to say "Hallelujah," I don't know what is!

Addendum to item #6: During a commerical break towards the end of the show, I got caught up in the video for Nelly's "Grillz" (With lines like "I might cause a cold front if I take a deep breath" and "Open up my mouth and see more karats/carrots than a salad," this song makes me happier than any song ever should) and missed the winner. Does anyone know whose cuisine reigned supreme???

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

A New Day has come.....

Hello peeps.... you know how sometimes after you have a REALLY Shi**y couple of days, it makes you go into high productive gear mode to take care of said Shi**iness??? Welcome to my day, screw feeling sorry for myself (pity parties work out SO well) and time to do something about it. I'm not going into details but suffice it to say Daddy's a big boy and taking care of his own Sh*t for once.

That being said a couple of things have come to light.....

1) DC is full of people that will give you lip service, be nice to you as long as you can do something for them.... this is magnified in gay DC, ESPECIALLY when they want to sleep with you/one of your friends. I'm lucky to have not only T+A +Chip, aka (DC Fam) but also Dudley, who.... will tell a b*tch when you done messed up and will also be there to calm you down when you freak the eff out.... I still stand by the saying "Friends are the family you choose," and when the chips is down you gots to have some peeps in your corner.

2). My dog, la Principessa Infante Chloe, is the best at getting me out of a bad mood. For some reason she knows whenever I'm in a funk and she'll walk right over and plop her fat little butt directly on my chest/lap while I'm enjoying the wonderment of Logo or whatever glorious and overlooked movie happens to be on the Lifetime Movie Network starring Judith Light or Valerie Bertinelli who is dying of cancer or having just been the victim of incestual rape/attempted murder by her ex husbands child bride. She'll do this without provocation and there is no way you can stay in funk with a punim like that....

Proceed with awwwwws.... ready?????

3) As I've said before, I WAS going to start my family values tour before Christmas.... well that didn't happen as apparently I thought it'd be a better idea to acquaint myself with Santa as well as a few of his helpers... needless to say DC is way too small and word gets around WAY too fast for me to be wasting my time with jokers, I will now be known as Dale the virgin queen.... and I can hear some of you queens laughing through the blogosphere.... DON"T MAKE ME CUT YOU. Oh and no longer will "Oh I'm the communications director for......" or "I'm a partner at XXXX law firm" or " You should see my beach house" be selling points.... Quality not Quantity.... and repeat.... Quality not Quantity.

4) Being a grownup is really time consuming... I think I need a personal Assistant whom will schedule my various appointments/ social obligations.... I would like said Asst. to be British (they sound better on the phone don't they?) shorter than I am, named Balfour, Basil (prounounced baaahselll), or Horace. Who will answer the phone with greetings like.... "I'm sorry but HRH (I will be married to some sort of european royalty obvy) is not taking callers at the moment... please call between the hours of 6 and 6:15 in between HRH (dale)'s 2nd and third martini of the evening."

5) For as much fun as I have going out all the M.Fiing time..... I'm just SO popular, I'm going to start instituting self imposed recharge periods which will begin taking place, in order to be at the top of my game I'm GOING to need to get more rest.... sweet jesus christ on a cracker I'm getting old.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Weekend Roundup.... Hurricane of Randomness

Sorry if this post seems jumbled.... I'm taking a Mental Health Day and I'm feeling kind of jumbled at the moment myself.

Friday saw me start out at Georgia Browns where I saw myself a real bonafied movie star.... yes ladies and more ladies, I saw Christian Campbell, brother of party of five star Neve, star of the movie Trick, and sweet jaysus christ on a cracker if I didn't swoon and almost pass out right there... and by pass out I mean I whipped out my phone and proceeded to call EVERY gay man in my phone. Yeah I schvitzed myself almost and have a low quality digital picture of myself and mr. campbell taken by my phone. PS, he is oh so hot and will now be my new boyfriend.

After that debacle I went over to Lauriol Plaza where I was to meet Chip and our group of friends who were celebrating the return of one of our friends to the DC area. None of our party was there when we got there so I picked out a cute stranger and flirted with him. We may or may not have plans this week it is unclear at this moment in time, italian, blue eyes, v. cute.

After el fiesta de Lauriol, Chip, our friend D, and I headed over to Cobalt which was D-E-A-D, except for seeing the boy turning a cute dance move, I'd say the night was pretty much uneventful.

Saturday night I was going to go bowling but lucky strike in MCI was not having it apparently (4 hour wait for a lane? I think not) so we went and got shlockered at RFD and then in AdMo.

Sunday brunch at Beacon Grill is delectable, as I went with Mr. Taylor who is a gentleman and can keep up with the big girls at the all you can drink mimosa/bloody mary bar. We then watched Bring It On, because I'm that gay, and had a loverly afternoon.

Sunday evening was dinner with the rents...... nuf said.

My plans to go to NYC this coming weekend were dashed but we shall see what develops....

Friday, January 20, 2006

Like..... I just don't get it....

As I am le roi de random I'd like to share with y'all 5 things that I just don't really understand and lets see if someone can explain them....

1). Why Gas stations sell ciggarettes/lighters. Now I'm not against the selling of tobacco and tobacco products at all, however you'd think there'd be some sort of law against selling a product that in theory could blow everyone sky high if some moron decided to light up while filling up....... and don't pretend like you haven't seen one of those movies where the guy either throws a match or a lighter or something into a stream of gas and everyone gets fried like chicken on sunday!.

2). Why the Republican's "color" is red. now if you're pale red makes you seem even pastier and if you're really dark it makes you seem darker. I don't think that there are too many republicans in that middle skin tone range (light bronze to mid olive) that a bright red would accentuate their charecteristics. The Dem's are OBVY the party of the majority of the gays as blue tends to accentuate without overpowering most skin tones while tending to match many shades of eyes and hair. Plus more people have other clothing that matches with blue than with red. Just sayin.......

3). Why country music stars, for as "straight" as they pretend to be, at least for me, come across as the stereotypical gay male fantasy down to their cut-off tshirts straight from Abersnobby and B*tch (PS don't get me started on A&F as the only thing I can find there that would fit me would be the t-shirts and I mean what store makes jeans that their smallest size is a 32x30? and their jeans run large... currently I'm a 28x34 and the only stores that I can find jeans in my size are Lucky, Diesel, and Zara) and their tight jeans which lets you see everything but their religion!!!.... PPS, I would do naughty things with Kenny Chesney (marriage to Renee OBVIOUSLY a ploy to make me jealous, Keith Urban who is obviously gay with that hair (Dating the vampire otherwise known as Nicole Kidman and coming to DC OBVIOUSLY to make me jealous) and Tim McGraw (Married to Faith Hill OBVIOUSLY to....... nevermind they're just too pretty together, he gets a free pass), and of course my number one crush.... Brad Paisley *fans self* "is it warm in here???"

4). My fascination/obsession with the Golden Girls.... I have NEVER gotten tired of that show since I started watching it with my grandmother when I was about 8 or 9, I can pretty much recite every punch line and know every episode from random quotes (don't you judge me!!!!!) PS I'm pretty sure I'm a Rose/Blanche combo (that's right, don't pretend like you haven't thought about it too)

5). How I can justify spending multiple hundreds of dollars on clothes but I get all coupon-y at the Teets/Safeways of the world.... ps how much of a loser am I that I plan my grocery buying schedule around the circular at the various food distribution establishments of the greater DC area.... it's official... I've turned into a soccer mom.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Riddle Me This

What's the worst:

1) I was at the office till 1:30 AM

2) I will be here even later tonight, and I have a friend from out of town arriving

3) For most of last night, Creed's "With Arms Wide Open" was stuck in my head

MAL. A fashion Retrospective

Now let me preface this post with the statement, on a very subjective level I don't like leather if it isn't in accessory/shoe form. I own two leather jackets not because I ever wear them, but because I got bored one day at an outlet center in Maine and Burberry was closed and momma needed to workout my credit card. However I can understand the appeal that one would find for leather accoutrement, and therefore have offered a couple of pointers for those that would be of such proclivities in the wake of the MAL festivities and the fact that I looked at all the MAL pictures (mostly to see if any of team lady was in it this year or to catch a picture of The Boy in his alleged leather pants *chuckle*)

Harnesses: I'm gonna go ahead and say less is more. The X across the chest is a fine way to accentuate your chest muscles and make any fat deposits in your pec area look like you've done more bench presses than pie eating contests. However if you are going to wear such a contraption, for the love of suede don't wear a vest over it, the combo look is just not cute and it aint like you're wearing the vest for warmth. Oh and to the people that wear the single strap across their shoulder to the opposing hip, YOU LOOK LIKE A GAY SAFETY PATROL, I really am expecting one of you to say "Now everyone attention please, I'm going to be passing out condoms and if one of you mary's is caught doing otherwise you get a half an hour time out during which time you will not be served any alcohol. Now please form 2 straight lines and lets all get our drinks, NO NOT YOU GARY, I ALREADY TOLD YOU, NO CUTTING IN LINE!!"

Pants: Leather pants by and large make me cringe. I don't think that they are flattering to the posterior region, nor to the legs, often times making one look shorter than they really are, and judging by the DC gay male population, shorter aint something to shoot for. That being said, remember to bring a friend with you to make sure that the pants are as tight in the butt as possible and tight on the legs, I'm postulating that the whole point of leather pants is like wearing a second skin (hell it IS wearing a second skin) so you want to work it out. Besides, the whole idea of baggy leather pants just made me throw up a little in my mouth.

Vests: Now vests for me are SO late 70's, YMCA, Village people. They make me think of kitsch more than tough leather daddy and therefore I designate that moniker to people that wear them. If you HAVE to wear one, please wear only the vest as a top, do not combine with a harness or a shirt or anything else. Although I will be silently singing "In the Navy" everytime I see you.

Thongs/Jockstraps: Now brings me to the most useless piece of leather-wear in life. Ok so maybe not the jockstrap because I can understand the whole tough jock look I guess, but leather doesn't breathe and I don't know about y'all but I enjoy aeration on many levels. However, if you ARE going to wear a leather thong/JS, please don't get one with metal spikes coming out of the area that covers your flower, I mean really, isn't the point of wearing a contraption like that to make people want to TOUCH your flower? not be impaled by the underwear surrounding it??? Let's put on our thinking caps people!!!

Personal Opinion: Call me a horribly racist and bigoted person (although as a bi-racial homosexual that is a really hard designation to make stick to me) but I don't think that my ethnic people (the asians) look good in leather. I think that's because I hate Hate HATE the designation of asians being submissive and subservient, and all the pictures in MW of asians in leather had them in dog collars and chains being led around by some guy.... blech.

P.S. I want to start a Mid-Atlantic Preppy weekend, can we go with where everyone wears pastel polos and sperry top-siders? and the bar serves Cape-codders and Highballs? I'd think I'd be more apt to participate if something like THAT were to occur.

P.P.S- the slogan to Mid-Atlantic Preppy weekend would be "Come put yourself on the MAP" (har har har)

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Blogger Chain Letter!

Thanks to The Boy:

Four Jobs You Have Had:
1.) Legal Assistant
2.) "Brand Representative" at Abercrombie (I did not and still do not pop my collar!)
3.) Worked at The Original Bagel (or as my friends and I called it, "the OB," and this was about 8 years ago, so long before the wretched "OC")
4.) Tennis instructor.

Four Movies You Could Watch Over and Over:
1.) American Beauty
2.) Saved!
3.) Lord of the Rings
4.) Zoolander

Four Places You've Lived:
1.) Philadelphia, PA
2.) St. Louis, MO
3.) Madrid, Spain
4.) DC

Four TV Shows You Love to Watch:
1.) Amazing Race
2.) 24
4.) Will & Grace

Four Places You've Been On Vacation:
1.) San Fran
2.) London
3.) Idaho!
4.) Paris

Four Of Your Favorite Foods:
1.) Morningstar Chik'n Nuggets with Ranch dressing
2.) Crab cakes
3.) White cheddar soy crisps
4.) Almost anything cooked by my mother

Four Places You'd Rather Be Right Now:
1.) Ecuador (or any other part of Latin America)
2.) Any Beach....... (taken from the Boy)
3.) Memphis, TN
4.) Haning out with Butterstick.

Four Sites I Visit Daily:
1.) Gmail
2.) ESPN
3.) Weather.com
4.) CNN

Four Bloggers You Are Tagging:
No one. If you see this and are inspired, do it and leave a link in the comments.

Weekend Roundup..... I think my body quit me....

So I wasn't around for MAL weekend, after the one time I waltzed into the eagle at the bequest of a friend (we had eaten dinner at Marrakesh which is like next door) and had rolled in in my nice jeans, pink polo and several accents of the t&co. variety..... I didn't so much fit in as stick out like a black man at a klan rally with all the guys walking around JUST in their jockstraps....... as was the bartender.... I kept checking my drink for a curly present, cuz that's just not kosher.

ANYWAYS.... I was in the wilds of NH for the weekend with about 20 people at my friend T's parents ski house. Now I can ski, however I don't, knee problems, hip problems, ankle problems, shoulder problems, back problems, 10 years of gymnastics, 10 years of diving.... you get the idea. Anyways since the weather was mucho crapola, most of the people also stayed in, and that's where the drunken insanity ensued...... P.S. I was the only mo' in a group of what could be categorized as educated meatheads.

Things that may or may not have happened include:

Me "falling asleep" with a bottle of Chardonnay and having male genitalia drawn on my face and my eyebrows filled in with a permanent marker.... what's the first thing I notice in the mirror?? that's right "OH MY GOD, You people drew a UNIBROW on me???

Waking up Sunday morning in a 4 way spoon with two of my friends (girls) and one of my straight boyfriends (guy) who, being the most awkward person in the entire world decides to announce his "morning enthusiasm" to all of the people in the room..... so what did I do? I named his "morning enthusiasm"..... it is now called the dward, after one of the guys I used to date who was kind of a D*ck anyways.

Having el random friend of awkward straight boyfriend tell me at 3 in the morning that he has thought about "experimenting"...... and me thinking to myself... what am I? an effing training wheels??? but instead awkwardly pretending like I was already asleep. *insert awkward robot dance*

I may or may not have been talked into doing this on several occasions..... and you people didn't believe I was a circus freak:

I may or may not have taken a spill down a flight of stairs that, now, if I go to shirtless thursdays and take off my shirt will look like some big leather daddy tossed me around like a rag doll instead of me taking on a flight of stairs and being dominated by said flight..... ow.

Remember my goal to not have any hard alcohol??? yeah that's gone straight to hell.... what was I thinking? the allure of vodka and gin are just too strong for this lady.

Friday, January 13, 2006

Ooopsy..... my B

So this upcoming weekend I'm fleeing the Rain-soaked Washington Area and going to a nice skiing weekend in NH via the Manch-vegas airport. Now I CAN ski but I am going to choose not to this weekend as I don't feel like ice-ing my knees and that will really cut into my drinking time of which apparently the plan is to go on a 3 day bender the likes of which are only spoken of in hushed tones outside of lambda rising on weeknights (if you know what I'm talking about kudos!!!). I hope that A) I don't do/say anything embarassing B). other people do and being armed with my digi cam I can record it for posterity/blackmail. HOWEVER, in the past I have been known to do quite embarassing things drunk which include:

1). At Chips birthday celebration I not only danced on a pole in shorts that would be tight on a 12 year old, I gave a tutorial to other drunkards on the intricacies of dancing on a pole...... needless to say unfortunately I didn't explain myself well enough as some of the participants bruised themselves from several of the "demonstrations" I gave which they then tried to duplicate.

2). In college, insisting on being carried home by my straight boyfriends from the football team when we'd get sh*t-faced off campus and I didn't feel like walking. It was a pretty common sight to see me being slung over the shoulder of guys that could bench-press fridges just because I could. *covers face from shame*

3). While visiting NYC to see my favorite straight boyfriend and the only person who can peer pressure me into dropping over 5G's in an hour just because we were bored.... we got drunk at a bar called the park, I ended up striking up a conversation with a girl at the bar, discussing her recent boob job, me feeling her boobs AT THE BAR and giving my opinion, and then her bf who was right next to her buying me a drink because he found the situation so amusing....

4). One time Saks was giving out martinis and I was having a "I'm having a crappy day so I want something pretty" moment and of course I had like 3 of those bad boys while perusing the stock. What did I walk out of there with?? yes you guessed it, a gucci fanny pack a la Sex and the City Sarah Jessica Parker fame. Thankfully I was dining at Cheesecake Factory and sobered up (on Gin and Tonics) enough to realize my erroneous purchase which I summarily brought back and returned.

5). While having a "wine night" with my friend from back in the day, I was also in the process of moving my crap from the rents house to I guess my first apt. which was unfortunately in the Vag, I was trying to show her something and fell into the box, and it was a pretty big box.... took me more than a minute to figure out how to get out of said box and in the meantime she had taken pictures of me A$$ up in my lifeguard suit (hadn't changed from work) and flip flops yelling at her to come help me..... damn B*tch.

Hope everyone has a great MLK weekend, I have to take monday off as my company sucks donkeys and doesn't recognize this very important holiday. As I was quoted in my college paper on MLK day:

"On this day MLK had a dream about equality, (Dale) had a dream about cowboys"

.... not meant to be disrespectful, the article was about me making my straight bf's take a dance class with me.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

There's so much static in here I pick up everything but boys and money

I just like that quote a whole lot.

So I am now P.O'd at MW for snubbing me. Not only did I look good on saturday night and take a good picture, so did Mr. Bartender and neither one of us were featured in the gay page 6. And it aint like the clientele was that attractive to begin with.... save myself and Mr. Sassy Pants
The last time I was in MW was........... ummmm I think when I was 19 and aquiesced to be a coverboy and NO I didn't email requesting, the photographer was out at Sadlands and came up to me while I was shaking my be-glittered, mid-rif wearing self.... praise be to all that's good and holy that I don't do that anymore. PS comparing those pictures to more recent ones, I looked positively fetal when I was 19, plus apparently when I first start to tan I have freckles... who knew?

As I was talking to Ms. Dudley last evening about the random stream of conciousness that was going through my head while enjoying the champagne of beers (Natty Light) I've come to the conclusion to slightly amend my social behavior regarding gentleman callers. I think I, along with The Boy, am going to try to be a little bit more grown up about my interactions and try to be a little more..... what's the word.... mature. Jesus I'm old (at the ripe age of 23). I'm definitely not looking for an insta-bf but the whirlwind of social activity has left me wanting something else. Bonus points for
  1. Smelling like clean laundry (don't know why it melts my butter but there you are)
  2. Height comparable... I'm 6'2"and a half so anything over 5'9" ish I can deal with... this isn't a deal breaker but bonus point.
  3. Dogs over cats... again not a deal breaker but lets be real, dogs are far superior.
  4. Knows how to make a good Bombay martini, dirty, dry, and up
  5. Good manners, I can't stress enough how much minding your p's and q's makes any day a good day.

That is all, I'm sure there's more..... like being a multimillionaire who wants to dress me solely in diamonds and pearls.... but I mean, don't I deserve that kind of treatment???

Also.... conversation between me and Monsieur Chip this morning after I divulged that in my sleepy stupor this morning I neglected to wear a belt to work:

Dale: allright, no more IM'ing, I'm gonna be productive a.k.a. look for yummy recipes on foodnetwork online

Chip: I still don't know what they pay you for

Dale: Because I'm pretty, I add to the ambiance

Chip: Nothing is pretty beltless honey

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Words of Wisdom

Do not refer to female co-workers as "sweetcakes."

To be or not to be..... that actually is the question.

So ok, Taylor got me to doing a little bit of thinking... well more so my affinity for Designing Women actually. Am I a southerner???? This has been a point of contention among many people in my family/friend group that has been born and raised in the wonderful state of Murlin (Maryland). So lets review the facts shall we?

1). I was born in Balmer (Baltimore) in the great state of Murlin which IS, historically below the Mason-Dixon line... I was born 35.5 miles south of the Mason Dixon line if you want to get all bajiggity about it. So historically I would have been fighting for the confederacy.... if you know, the confederates were all open arms about the whole gay, bi racial thing....

2). I listen to country music all the effing time. As Chip will attest to, on the WMZQ 98.7 station, you can turn it on at pretty much anytime and I'll be able to sing along to whatever song is currently playing. I knew all the words to achey breaky heart in the 2nd grade... who was the cool kid?? oh that'd be me.

3). I use the terms, y'all and all y'all, as well as terms of endearment like hun (Balmer term) and darlin on a regular basis. This is further magnified if any type of alcohol is added to the mix, and then I become what has been termed as "gone with the gin." When at school in Maine, I would get made fun of on a regular basis for using such terms.

4). I know how to and have made on many occasions, beer battered shrimp, fried chicken, fried okra, hush puppies and cornbread, and there will be no frying in peanut oil... no maam, that'd be bacon grease and canola oil. At every family holiday there's always a big pot of ambrosia that someone made and everyone eats out of good manners.... and honestly if you aren't from the south ambrosia would be a foreign term to you.

5). There's a special way that southerners flirt, if you aren't from below the M/D line it's impossible to duplicate.... I think it's something in the water.


I don't own a cowboy hat or boots, no one in my family owns a pickup truck, and we don't have any two namers in our family (bobby joe, Ray-bob, shirle-anne and so on and so forth in that manner.)

I guess I'd like to think of myself as maybe Southern-light, a little bit of the twang but not full on good ole boy I guess. As JFK MEANT to put it about the DC area "DC is a city of northern efficiency and southern charm" I think I'll take it.

*ADDENDUM* The Boy pointed out that the JFK quote actually reads "DC is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern Charm" however I like mine better, so therefore I am right and he is wrong.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Who knows where thoughts come from.... they just appear.

Yeah I deleted my last post.... whiny and bitchy party of one... and that's no fun, especially if I get reminded of it. Onto my ADD existence

Went out to Best Buy to buy This CD, which I know.... makes me just about the gayest man in life, especially since I had this CD in my hand as well but put it down because I caught a glimpse of myself and I realized my work clothes were slowly transforming into gold and silver lamme and my oh so cute glasses were turning into Elton John Sunwear, and I may or may not have farted glitter.

I'm listening to the cd right now, and I will say now that there is a better than good chance that this will go on my "Sassy Diva Walk" mix as I use 17th st. as my runway ;)

I am announcing my personal Vendetta on the little security sticky things that are on all sides of any CD or DVD..... I mean is my 9.99 copy of "The Sweetest Thing" that valuable that it necessitates me to not only pick the package like a tardo for a good 15 minutes to only partially remove the sticky plastic but to also ruin the cover and make myself irate in the process? I think not.

The movie "Tristan and Isolde" looks like it's trying way too hard to Romeo and Juliet it up. I'm calling bomb.

I've made a personal decision to drink more beer when I go out and also go to the gym more to offset the beer. I'm trying to prolong the time I'm out instead of "blowing my load" so to speak on the several G&T's I have and then am over-drunk.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Ch-ch-check 'Em Out

3 Songs I'm really digging right now:

The New Pornographers "The Bleeding Heart Show" (from the album Twin Cinema)
M.I.A. "10 Dollar" (from the album Arular)
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah "In This Home On Ice" (from album Clap Your Hands Say Yeah)

Weekend Roundup...... Educational Experience 101

So as 2k6 is officially underway I have dubbed this year the year of the lesson and so far quite the educational experience has been had by yours truly.... why just this weekend I learned that:

Friday night dinner and a movie (especially this movie, "It's too big to fit in here, too big to fit in here, too big to fit in here ah ahh ahhhhh) with this Lady was just what I needed after el week de hell, my boss is mad at me for going to Key West for a week and giving her like 2 days notice even though I came in Christmas eve and Christmas day and covered all my projects for that entire week..... b*tch is just jealous because I came back looking tan and fabulous and her pasty self was stuck with her demon children in MD for New Years.

One should NEVER ever see this movie. So I got asked out by this guy whom was drunkenly on me on Thursday night and agreed to see a movie with him, he asked me if I liked scary movies and I said yes unknowingly thinking it was of the ghosts and demon variety.... not a hack and saw type of thing. Yeah I think I left marks in his arm from how hard I was squeezing it, and afterwards when walking from the movie theater we passed a restaurant where they were carving a huge roast beef....yeah I nearly booted in the alley.

At the advice of This Lady I learned that if your date offers to sing "beautiful" to you at a karaoke bar because he thinks you are so beautiful, and you don't feel like being humiliated in a public setting get him to sing 9 to 5 by Ms. Dolly P. everyone else will sing along and drown him out... thank goodness for that advice or I may have had to crawl into a hole and die.

(There will be no further dates with said gentleman for several reasons none of which will be published on the internet..... lets just say that none of the subjects are appropriate for dinner conversation)

I learned that standing in line for this exhibit for 2 hours was definitely worth it even if I had to put up with annoying asian tourists and high school students whom I wanted to beat over the head with their Dooney and Burke clutches.

I learned that Sunday night dinner at Raku with "The Fam" as my friend T put it, (Chip +Dale +T&A, also known as the twin towers) was just the amount of good food I needed to gear up for the week ahead, I've been warned of hellish hours and menial crap this week from various co-workers.... effing sweet.... bring it b*tches.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Looking for my long lost shaker of salt....SALT SALT SALT!

Ok so as promised I finally figured out with the help of my kid sister how to upload pictures onto the computer and here's a little tasteroo of how my week went.

This is the view from my bedroom..... private pool? yes please!!! Although I did have to share a bed with my godcousin who talks in his sleep... most notably was the night he thought he was Cartman and kept saying "Respect my authoritaaay" over and over and over...

The drag queen named sushi got lowered from that high heel as midnight counted down.... she kept calling out for Anderson Cooper as the entire thing was being filmed by CNN. I was inside the bar and fortunately was not being filmed as I was doing things unbecoming of a lady.... tee hee.

This would be the drag queen known as sushi... in a full kimono.... work it out sister

My view for most of the NYE festivities....not so good

This would be my view from 9am to 4pm every single day..... it was the hotness.

Is that Madonna?? Oh no.... just some queen....

Those Drag queens get away with anything!!!!

Notice.... all containers to hold alcoholic beverages..... water glasses? we drank bottled. Dinner plates? We ate out.... We are a one track liver kind of family.....

Sorry people, no pictures of me scantily clad for the blog..... those are reserved for people who friendster stalk me... ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

Wasting away again in Margaritaville

Ok So I, after a 5 hour, 3 stop flight, am now back in the cold dreary world of DC, after having one of the best vacations I have ever had in my entire life. I'll give a better recap tomorrow once my brain has caught up with my body and I'm fully unpacked, and I figure out how to upload random pictures taken with my oh so new and shiny digital camera (Which I've already dropped once as a result of actions involving me, tequilla, and body shots on a bar)

I would like to now augment my last post of Key Things I learned on my vacation with round 2.

6). The second 190 Octane slushy at Fat Tuesdays may not be a good idea, but the third and the fourth certainly are.... especially with the optional extra shot! and the festive coozies that they come in are complimentary to many colors of beachwear!

7). Everyone in Key West is uber Preppy or Uber Trashy, seeing as how all my pictures involve me and my godparents/godcousins/sister in pastel polo shirts and khakis, girls with their pearls and boys with their ribbon belts, we fit into the former. However I saw more mullets there than in rehomo... SHOCKING.

8). Conch is delicious in fritter, chowder, and salad form.

9). Quotes from the week include:

"Now boys, you really need to mix these margaritas with more tequila. We have Two handles to go through and only 3 days left!" (My godmother to me and my godcousin)

"Ok everyone here's the schedule, Pre cocktail drinks at Fat Tuesdays, cocktails by the pool, wine with dinner, and then all you kids can go out to the bars.... everyone set? (Godmother again to all us young'uns)

"I have 8 on my boobs and 4 on my face, I should be set right?" (My godcousin who shortly thereafter burned the craaaaaaaaaaap out of her ta ta's.) PS I stick with 15 till I develop my base then I go au naturale.... scary huh?

10). After a week of pictures, tanning, going out every night, and hanging out with my fam, my sister and I look like hawaiian boat people that a nice waspy family had taken under it's wing... good times.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

"Doors Closing"

Thanks to Beaverhausen, my goal for the month is to be the new voice of Metro. Although WMATA has its own script, I would suggest the following:

"Check yo' self fool, these doors are closin'!"
"Back up, b*tch! Another train'll be here in a hot minute."
"Oh my god Becky, look at her butt it is so big, the doors can't close! Please step away from the doors."
"This ain't the village whore, everyone does not get a ride. Doors closing."
"Drop it like it's hot. Even a bag, suitcase, or purse can prevent the doors from closing."
"Whatcha gon' do with all that junk, all that junk inside yo' trunk? Whatever you do, please do not block the doors."
"I don't think you're ready for this jelly. Ready or not, doors closing."

How's that for "a fresh voice that will make rail riders take notice?"

Any others?