Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Etiquette is the poo so take a big whiff!!!!

As the reigning Duchess of Protocol I would like to say with great alacrity that the Gay men in DC sorely need a lesson in etiquette as much for their sake, as well as to not offend the delicacy of my very nature....or I'll kick you in the shins!!

Here are some pointers to make you and your friends a little more disco and little less doo doo.

1). As Chip has pointed out in previous posts.... facial hair... go hard or go home, fu manchu? no. Soul patch?? No. That wrap around thing that goes from your sideburns to your chin but only in a .5" strip along what should be your jaw line??? HELLLZ No. I don't personally like the full on beard but I can understand the appeal, however weed whacking your face like a topiary isn't cute, you aren't a maze garden, stop it.... My favorite is personally smooth and clean or quasi scruffy, although that can get old....

2) posture Posture POSTURE!!! Now I realize having been afflicted with the scoliosis plus years of gymnastics, posture is important.. I always sit like I've got a back brace on much to the chagrin of my slouchier friends. However, if I'm out at a club and there are two guys of equal hotness (on my scale of one to oh sweet jesus I'm melting over here) I will invariably give the one with better posture bonus snaps for standing at attention. And just so there's no confusion posture consists of:
  • Shoulders back and chest out, not sticking out awkwardly but imagine that there's a string coming out of the center of your chest leading you forward.... you should be leading with your chest and hips in a straight line
  • Chin should be parallel with the floor, don't turn up your nose cuz that's not lady like.
  • Hips should also be square with the floor, and not rolled under, this de-emphasizes your butt while emphasizing your gut..... not cute.
3) Jeans.... Acid washed? not cute. Non matching denim patches on your jeans?? not cute. jeans in which your butt crack shows? not cute. I've seen alllllll of these things in the past week and come on Gay DC... you can surely do better than that.

4) Product in hair.... more than a dime sized portion is more than you need. If I see one more queen out at JR's with so much product in his hair he could be mistaken for a sea urchin from the neck up I'm going to have a fit..... a big one.....

5) Scent: Unless you're at the Eagle, where as I understand the au naturale smell is applauded, please use deoderant. That being said, cologne is also welcome, but A. Make sure it doesn't clash with your deoderant and B. Don't bathe in it, a cologne/ eau de toilette is supposed to accentuate you and you're ensemble quietly and subtlely.... you don't want everyone to know you're in a room ten minutes before you arrive... especially if it was that cheap CK knockoff crap that I smelled last week at Remmies... made me want to cry for Gay men with good taste everywhere.

Please gentleman...let's make this city a little bit more lovely and a little less lackluster.....


aklsdjhfa said...

As anyone who's met me can easily attest, I am addicted to product. It's a love/hate relationship.

Dale said...

yeah but at least you don't look like you're applying for a role in Finding Nemo 2, attack of the sushi chef.

DCSportsChick said...

LOL! Y'all crack me up :-)