Thursday, January 26, 2006

Someone's got a dirty little secreeeet

Ok not really but these are some things that make me inexplicably "Dale"

A). I've only ever driven a Buick Lesabre in my life. I am 23 and never have I driven any other type of car except for sole instances that lasted under 20 minutes. I am currently on my second incarnation of said Buick Lesabre... the current incarnation is Lezzie the Garnet Wonder... the one before was Bertha the Blue Baroness. People are generally very suprised that I, in all my gayness would ever drive such an automobile as they are made for 65 year old white women who only use it to drive to the store and back. Well let me just tell you a few things about my luxury automobile

  1. Three people can sit in the backseat without touching each other
  2. Three people can comfortably sit in the front seat as was evident on previous road trips
  3. Definitely conducive to sleeping in passenger/back seats on looooong road trips
  4. Everybody assumes I'm 65 in that car so they generally get out of my way
  5. Lezzie is the color of my alma mater, Bertha was the color of my HS.... that's how I picked them out.
I'm currently driving a Pontiac V6 and honestly it's not very comfortable although it IS very flashy.

*I'm not a big car person.... while living in London a gentleman whom I was dating had a Bentley.... I thought it was a volvo.... I actually said... "I love how volvos handle turns" yeah he thought I was a moron*

B) I secretly want to be the subject of a Missed Connection on Craigslist, for absolutely no reason. I may or may not post one to myself later.

C) I have an addiction...... to herbal tea. Since my place of employment is Senor Cheapo and only pop for Lipton and Lipton De-caf and brown water which they pass off as coffee, all of which make me want to cry a little, I and the good people at Safeway have seen to it that I am fully herbally equipped. How many different kinds of tea do I have currently in my office? that's right 8 different kinds of Herbal Decaf (2 boxes of samplers) and one box of Tazo..AWAKE! My sweat may or may not smell like Mandarin Orange or Lemon Zinger.

D) Ever since I was little.... I've had an addiction to Kosher Dill pickles... I used to no lie eat at least 3 a day.... and sometimes I'd drink the pickle juice. The theory is discusting but for some reason I'm ok with that....


VP of Dior said...

ahh the sweet sweet red plush interiors of buicks....

what is it with guys and pickles? my brother eats them by the jar full and has done this since he was old enough to say "Vlasic."

Brian said...

I want to be a missed connection on Craigslist too!!! Or maybe I want to an ACTUAL connection. Hm. Well, either way, I relate.

Dale said...

VP: because pickles are filled with delicious goodness... plus I'm of the theory that some people like Sweet and Sour more and some people like Salty and Savory.... I believe I'm of the latter group.

Brian: See I don't want to MEET anyone over Craigslist MC's, but it'd add a little spice to my humdrum existence.

Cornelius said...

It's not an old lady car until you have a lil satchel of potpourri under your seats, and a flask of a "Lady" drink in your dash for those especially hard bingo nights. Maybe that's why my Me-Maw got her license revoked.

Brian said...

Oh no, no.. I don't want a Craigslist connection. That's trashy. I'm talking about my Stanford-educated doctor husband who played lacrosse kind of connection.

Dale said...

Cornelius: if by satchel of potpourri you mean day old chinese food and by flask of lady drink you mean flask of lady drink then I'm alllll set (I hide my "emergency" gin and vodka in lezzies massive interior.

Brian: Oh yeah, I'm looking for a Yale Educated Diplomat who happens to be minor european royalty... I mean they go on Craigslist right?

Brian said...

Ha. I met my last bf on Friendster who was somehow deposed Italian royalty and he went to Brown. He turned out to be an effin' freak show and so completely emotionally manipulative.. oh and he liked to cry a lot. Be careful about your wishes! haha.

Berry-licious said...

For a while I was addicted to reading the "I-Saw-You" section of the CityPaper. Some of them are just so cute. To this day I still want one written about me too. Craigslist will do just fine too.

Two friends of mine have actually had a pickle eating contest in order to get rid of the ginormous barrel of them they had in their fridge - NASTY! You gotta go with sour deli. They're the only ones worth eating.

JP said...

I remember back seats and the tawdry little trists they can accomodate, your rolling love box can seemingly afford an entire swingers party...It's all becoming quite clear...Will this be covered at the "Lady Dale's Academy of Charm and Etiquette for wayward boys?"
BTW: Quick Joke: Why do Junior Leaguers Hate Gang-bangs?

Answer: All the THANK YOU notes

Dale said...

JP: I have NO idea what you are talking about... I am a lady and have not engaged in any tawdry activities in the back seat of Lezzie.... it was in the front seat thank you very much (p.s. the front seats go ALLL the way back)

And of course this will be covered in my Etiquette guide to gay life... Let me quote from my texts:

"When participating in acts that involve more than one person it is very important to remember one's manners, thank you cards if called for at all should only be given to the host or organizer of said gathering. Writing and thanking other guests is awkward and frowned upon in proper society."

Carrie Broadshoulders said...

My biggest FEAR is that I will be a missed connection while doing something totally being caught eating in public.

My nightmare MC goes like this:

You: Shoveling a burrito down your throat at Chipotle while hunched over in a protective manner to keep anyone from taking away your edible delights. The sour cream hanging from your lip was so cute!