Tuesday, February 28, 2006

I don't wanna grow up, I'm a responsibility free kid

Ok.... so remember when you were in HS/Freshman-Sophomore year of college and your biggest responsibility was making sure that there was enough Natty Light/ Beast/Bud light in the fridge and that your 3 friends that you were on a rotating schedule with to attend particle physics with were on the schedule so you actually had something to study from for the midterm?? riiiiight.

Now at one point I'm sure that I was whetting my appetite at the prospect of making grownup decisions like post-college plans, job, housing, being able to you know, "support myself." Yeah I'm over that. Using words like 401k, Down Payment, Interest Rate, Stock Sharing opportunity, and so on and so forth I swear to Cher is giving me wrinkles. P.S. this is the point where I would like to introduce an edict from my throne on high that there will be instituted a subsidized botox plan and I am effing first in line. Me and my girl CC are going to be wrinkle free well into the next century.

I don't know anything about money and frankly, I don't care. I don't want to know what smart allocation of funds is or how I should be organizing my portfolio. All I want is nap time, movie time a la Disney style (PS I have a thing for Disney Movies, don't judge) and snack time, and by snack I mean cocktail time, and by cocktail time I mean vodka straight into my veins.

P.S. - I may or may not have been asked out by a member of the DCPD.... thoughts?

Monday, February 27, 2006

I wouldn't believe it either...

Sh*t, meet fan.... "hello fan", "hello Sh*t". That's been my morning so far at work.

However, things that I may have done this weekend that you may have not include....

1). Gone to a Monster Truck rally, complete with crimped hair and shirt that had something to the effect of "Porn Star Stunt Double" written on it. I tried to go all out White Trash but a ribbon belt somehow snuck into the mix. Ah well I tried to get away from my J. Crew roots... le sigh.

2). After making ressies for 2 rooms each with 2 beds in order to accomodate the 8 of us that went, And since I'm oh so nice and sweet and made friends with the front desk gentleman who was kinda cute and I was bored waiting for everybody else to show up so I flirted..... who ended up with the top floor condo that slept 8, had 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a hot tub, living room and full kitchen??? oh that's right..... respect my authority.......

3). Waking up in the same bed as my friend A and her boyfriend who I call Meow Mix. I roll over and who's in a 3 way spoon? oh yeah. Who's the littlest spoon out of all three?? that's right people that would be me again.

4). Going to the National Aquarium on Sunday made me want to give myself a vasectomy with a rusty spoon.... Either that or "accidentally" push one of those little brats into the shark tank. PS totally dissapointed at lack of electric eel, seals, and penguins (Puffins just didnt' cut it).

5). Me actually saying NO to alcohol..... on my way up to white trash weekend I stopped at my godparents estate in P'mac for my god-cousins thirtieth bday suprise and I roll in and my godmother exclaimed "OH GOOD, you're here, I've saved the extra big glasses for us" and I had to say.... "no thanks I can't have a drink"..... I think she cried a little on the inside.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Friday Five: Please let the Sh*tstorm end!!!!!

Between work drama, family drama, and pissing off random friends and acquaintances, this week needs to die a horrible and grizly death. I'm talking about the kind that makes you want to go fetal. I'm talking about the type that ends up on Crime Library. Needless to say I'm going to need much merriment this weekend. However, if today is any portent of the weekend to come it'll be a good one as our blog was quoted in the express this morning!!

This obviously means I'm a celebrity....... obviously. and five things I will need to start doing will be.

1) I'm going to, at all times, travel around DC with an oversized scarf and sunglasses so that I appear to be unrecognizable to the man on the street. Unless that man happens to break six feet have thighs that could choke a bear and wants to take me to Bali for a week. Just sayin.

2) When walking through a crowd at any number of bars and clubs I will at all times give everyone the french smile (tight smile no teeth) and say things like, "oh I'm sorry I'm not doing autographs today" and " Who am I wearing?? Chanel Duh!"

3) I will obviously have to have an assistant that will have my current phone and phone number and I'll have to get a bling encrusted extra phone for the super duper VIP's, and that phone number will be unlisted and I will only be able to call out as my assistant will undoubtedly tell me who called me that day in order of importance and cuteness.

Whenever, and I mean whenever, I see someone taking a picture of anything, anywhere in my general area I will flick them off and say "DOWN WITH THE PAPARAZZI, Can't you let me lead a normal life??" Because they will obviously be talking about me.

5) I need to invest in floor length white sable coat with a high collar so that everyone knows that I, am now, a celebrity. So if you see a queen walking down 17th st. looking like a 6 foot asian snowball you'll know. And don't ask for an autograph. I don't do that.

*At some point it might be a good idea to deal with my drama.... but a little escapism can go a loooooong way.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Rules of the jungle.... the Faaaabulous jungle...

So after a viewing of Mean Girls I realized that much like adolescent girls in HS, the gayborhood and it's minions have our own set of Gay Rules that one should just accept as Sharia pretty much.

1). If you do anything, and I mean ANYTHING embarassing at a bar or club. You will be seen and you will be mocked. This isn't something you should worry about because within a calendar week someone else will be found naked and belly up in the gutter behind another bar and will then eclipse the fact that you threw up on a cute guy last happy hour after that third tequilla shot.

2). If you make out/hook up with someone and then immediately following discover they are in a relationship with someone else in the same city, I wouldn't wear anything nice for a while. Chances are a random queen is going to "accidentally" spill her Cape Codder or glass of merlot all over your Diane von Furstenburg knockoff.

3). If you go out with a borderline outfit on without getting it approved by one of your sister souls or even going out friends, be prepared to have the moniker (Insert awkward outfit statement) guy. There is a guy in Dupont that I still call banana pant rollerblade guy, and yet another that I call is shirtless shouldn't be guy for their what I would consider ill placed fashion choices.

4). A definite rule of the jungle is the defenseless lamb rule. If you go anywhere and have a deer in headlights look about you be prepared to be the subject of bitchy ridicule and getting el sketch ball supremos being on you like white on rice. It's best to counter with a good offense, especially if meeting people out and you're the first one to arrive. Bitchy stare, strike a pose, look mildly bored or mildly annoyed, no eye contact... and you should be temporarily safe... till that third tequilla shot.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Hump Day Randomness

Dinner and a movie, or Ladies Who Dine, was a complete success with the help of these fantastically fabulous ladies. We toasted to the ladies that couldn't be there around bottle number four of five after a gorgefest and viewing of one of my favorite movies. I may or may not have taken an entire pie and a pretty much untouched bottle of wine upstairs with me when I went to bed and polished off 3/4 of a pie and an entire bottle of wine myself...... am I embarassed? no. Am I proud? it's unclear.

2). I've read two stories in the style section of WaPo in the past week about Johnny Weir the figure skater who placed fifth in the Olympics. First of all these articles and their authors seem suprised that a figure skater is 1. Gay, and 2. Fabulous. His idol is Christina Aguilera and what is he using the money he's gotten at like disney on ice or whatever for? Louis Vuitton bags. So basically he's a fabulous queen who happens to be a pretty damn good ice skater. I definitely give snaps to anyone who will say in print "I like how my butt looks in them" when referring to a pair of jeans... here's a picture.... you judge for yourself. But I still fail to see what makes this newsworthy...even if it IS the style section.PS he totally need a personal stylist because a red/grey fendi scarf with fingerless fur gloves? you are not lil kim darlin..... and those shades? what are you? Levar Burton on Star Trek?

3). I can't wait for spring.... I'm so over having to douse myself in lotion everytime I go out just so my face doesn't crack into a bazillion pieces. Also, mother nature... whatever I did to make you crap all over DC I'm sorry, I promise to ummmm recycle or something.

4). As the new season approaches I'm beginning the application process for a gentleman caller , for the season to start with, and then we'll see the versatility of transfer abilities to a summer gentleman caller etc. etc. Although the Spring itch and summer freedom are a time honored tradition....hmmmm.....

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

The corporate death of the english language

Now I'm not a huge linguist, nor am I opposed to using abbreviated words or slang terms like tots (totally) obvy (obviously) or whatevs (whatever). However as I've been in the corporate gulag for just over a year now I've come to have a well cultivated and supreme hatred of corporate slang that burns with the intensity of a thousand suns. I'm talking about the made up words and terms that not only annoy the hell out of me but seem to be used just to up the importance level of whomever seems to be uttering them.

Action Item: This is probably my most hated of all terms. I'm sorry what? action item... like your job? I've definitely had superiors tell me to "make something an action item." I hate that, it's like saying "can you put that on your to-do list?" I'm at work, I have stuff to do, I will categorize things in the order of importance in which I see fit so eff the eff off, sorry if you couldn't get off your cellulite covered upper management butt to take care of your own stuff but it aint my problem.

Synergy: Yes I realize that this is actually a word according to Websters however it's overuse to describe how a team should work together to finish A, B, or C bugs the poo out of me.... let me do what I have to do, why don't you do what you have to do, and lets not pat ourselves on the back with buzz words that shouldn't be used outside of a laboratory.

Living Document: What an assonine term for a document that you need to constantly update.... I'm over it.

Re-inventing the wheel: If I hear that term one more time I swear I will beat somebody's head in with a stapler.... my streamline stapler....

Is someone still bitter from yesterday after coming home from working to find a house full of dirty dishes and trash that hadn't been tended to?? oh yes you better believe it.... thankfully tonight I have dinner taken care of and relaxation a go go.

Monday, February 20, 2006

Grumble Grumble Grumble

I'd post about the fantastic time I had this weekend with all of these fantastic people , however I'm currently running on about 3 hours of sleep due to the fact that apparently my house turned into MTV spring break last night with people partying till the wee hours in the morning despite my repeated attempts to communicate that not all of us are blessed with a federal holiday schedule and do need to be in and functional at 8am on Monday. Sweet.... effing sweet.

1). I don't look or feel cute when I'm this tired, and I will have on my ice queen stare of death look all day. No wonder the boys at the bars are afraid of me.

2). I'm prone to be a hateful hateful b*tch

3). I need to avoid anyone that wants my actual opinion on something... because I'm too tired to filter what's going on in my head and I may give it to them.... bring the coworkers with the "do these pants make me look fat" questions... I dare you.

I BETTER be getting some sleep tonight, cuz this week aint gonna be slow.... dinner party, happy hour, recup night number one, no clue night number two, and then party and monster truck rally..... I could really use a backrub, martini, and cuddle buddy right now.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Take two get a clues and call me in the morning

Drunken night last night.... definitely hungover..... no regrets. I needed last night like Condi needs a hot comb. Thanks to Chip, The Boy, Taylor, Chuck, Retro, and gaggle o' heterosexual friends for stoking the fires of my drunken merriment which is my favorite type of merriment to be honest.

Now I've noticed several disease among the gays (which have nothing to do with that trick you went home with last week) while I was at JR's before everyone got there.... what? me first to a meetup? NEVER!.....

1). Ray Charles Syndrome: Just like Ray Charles' sequin coat was indicative of his inability to see so was several mo's choice of clothing. Mesh shirts? no maa'm. Jeans made of patches of other jeans? No Maa'm. Showing up to a bar with a winter coat and scarf when it's bordering 60 degrees outside? Don't make me mess up my manicure when I b*tch slap you. As Sophia said, "That's ugly Dorothy.... and so are you in anything backless"

2). 5-7-9 disease: You're a 5 you think you're a 7 and you think you deserve a 9. Watching this occur is like watching a train wreck, horrible but you can't look away. To the balding-middle aged- overweight- wearing an IZOD polo who is hitting on a 20 something, gym going, Hollister wearing DC mo, honestly that situation will not turn out well for you unless you break out cash Just sayin.

3). From Here to Eternity disease: When you are making out with your bf/hookup buddy/ stranger at the bar, you don't look like Montgomery Clift and Donna Reed on the sunny beaches of Hawaii. Honestly, to the rest of us, it looks like you're trying to clean whomevers tonsils with your tongue....ew. I'm over it.

4). Chronic Fabulosity Imperfecta: Just like grace with Jackie O, being fabulous cannot be forced, it must exude from your being naturally, much like sweat on a fat man. You can wear all the body glitter and hair gel you want and talk about how everything is SOOO brokeback and what you're wearing and how fabulous you are blah blah blah, that doesn't make you fabulous. Sorry lady, that makes you a cookie cutter queer. Thankfully the mo' blogerati does not suffer from this syndrome as our fabulousness has obviously been nurtured and tended like the proud magnolia on the banks of the mighty mississippi.

Time to throw it into high gear for the weekend.... yet another high profile homo-tacular time!

Thursday, February 16, 2006

Tasty little tidbits

Yesterday before I was all set to depart for dinner with crazy asian relatives I read Anderson Cooper's 360 Blog for Wednesday February 15 entitled "Wasps enlisted in war on terror" which you can read by going here. Now why did the following scenario run through my head.... a bunch of people from Connecticut in cable knit sweaters and pastel polos along with khakis and a high ball walking through Iraq saying things like "This place looks nothing like the hamptons" and "Oooh buffy lets go and get some local hummus." "Allright Stewart but only if it's fat free, you know I've got pilates later..." The whole insect thing never dawned on me. Maybe because both scenarios are equally ridiculous, because from what I understand only God has been able to pull off the plague of insects, and I think dubya's got to master public speaking before he can unleash the seven plagues.

I went to the rent's house first before heading out to sushi dinner with crazy asian relatives and pour myself a nice glass of red and go upstairs to see my mom who's been home sick with an ear infection and I hear her talking on the phone to her doctor....

"I took a valium and chased it with some white wine.... I mean jesus what do I have to do to effing knock myself out??" Ahhh so THAT's where I get it from.

I was reminded of This Song which Mr. Nelson has released in light of bareback... I mean brokeback mountain. The first time I hear some queen at remmies sing it I swear I'll cut a b*tch.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Tales from the Sunshine State

I am back from Florida, and although the weather was less than desirable, it sure beat the snow DC got over the weekend. I like to think this weekend's "blizzard" was Mother Nature's way of saying she missed me, and I should never leave the northeast again. Mother Nature, what a joker!

The high on Sunday in Florida was 58 degrees. DC had warmer weather than that in January... Needless to say, I did not go to the beach at all.

That's not entirely true, one day my buddy and I ventured up to colorful Ft. Myer's beach. A friend of my parents recommended I make the trip: "They even have a Hooters up there!" Great, fake boobs and bad wings all up in my grill. Thanks, but no thanks. (these same friends also asked if I had a "gal" up in DC. "Gal." Do people actually use that word?) Ft. Myer's is like the Dirty Jeerz, but a lot smaller. It left much to be desired, but it did kill some time, and I don't know why, but I took about 10 pictures of a Pelican.

The main problem of the trip to Florida is that without the beach, or even the pool, there really wasn't much to do. At one point, my friend was checking out some guys on the beach who were skim boarding. They were so not even legal, vom. Although there were no water-related activities, there was an outlet mall less than 5 miles from the house...

Is anyone familiar with Restless Leg Syndrome? I saw an ad for R.L.S. and a new medically developed chair that is supposed to alleviate this syndrome. Are you serious? I didn't know whether to laugh or to cry. I want to meet someone who openly admits to being afflicted with R.L.S. It's the new A.D.D.!

Somewhat recently, I learned that Britney was going to be on Will & Grace as a Christian chef with a segment entitled "Cruci-fixins" on Jack's fictional gay network Out TV. Well, now this part of the show will never air, thanks to the American Family Association. I know the Blade reported this story already, but organizations like the AFA make me sad to be alive. Then I get over it.

Small children should only be allowed onto airplanes if they ride with the cargo. No exceptions.

One night my friend and I ate at a fine establishment called "Big Al's Sports Bar & Grill." South Park anyone?

It's good to be back...

Big Gay Sister arrives on Friday!!!

Memos to self

Francis (Imaginary Butler) Please take down this memo and remind me of them in the future.....

1). Don't play eye-sex with a rando consultant at an important meeting just because you're bored out of your gourd, even if he does keep smiling at you and is pseudo attractive.... I mean as attractive as men get in this city anyways.

2). Always bring your day planner with you to meetings, you look intelligent when it appears that you're cross checking dates of future meetings when in actuality you're scheduling your social agenda for the next 4 weekends and coming up with tentative schedules for apartment hunting and shopping and beach trips for the summer (PS I'm totes addicted to my day planner).

3). A Scalding hot shower, a Digiorno Pizza, and a bottle of Red Wine can make most bad days into good evenings.

4). Even though I am a jaded, embittered, hateful person, receiving a VD card from my 6 year old cousin which has a picture of a kitten on the front and reads "What do you get when you cross my good looks with your charming personality??? The PURR-fect Princess." Ahh the force of fabulousness is strong in that one... I must teach her well.

5). Of all days don't watch This Movie, followed up by This Movie(Except for the pseudo-porn.... I'm ok with that part) when you're gay and single on VD....

6). On black tuesday, after finishing the bottle of wine and watching said movies... it was the best idea of the evening to turn off the cell phone and get off IM before spending a little quality time with your favorite olympians before bed (which made for some smile inducing dreams)... nothing like avoiding making a drunk dial/IM to complete your evening.

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Secrets Secrets are no fun...

I'll keep you my dirty little secret
(Dirty little secret)
Don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret
(Just another regret, hope that you can keep it)
My dirty little secret

Monday, February 13, 2006

DC Gay of our life moment

Ok so how awkward is this......

While preparing for a huge project meeting at work today it was me and my co-worker the evangelical christian... .alone.... in a big conference room...by ourselves. And this is the conversation that ensued:

Dale: So (in the interest of conversation ) big plans for VD?
Borney: Oh I'm going over to one of my single friends apartments for a prayer group.
Dale: Oh...... fun.
Borney: Yeah it's a fun co-ed group, we pray for our future spouses
Dale: (thinking --> I may say a silent prayer for whomever is desperate enough to marry your whacked out A$$ too...) Actually said... oh.... fun.
Borney: Any plans? Are you going out with your girlfriend??

*Now at this point I'm second guessing myself as to whether she said what I think she said. That's right everyone.... she thought that yours truly was not only straight but involved with a lucky dame*

The thoughts then rush through my head... "what do I do, should I just out and out point at my face and say... oh honey, aren't you a dear.... no no no I'm a big ole mo." What did I do?? besides the awkward robot dance???

Dale: Oh ha ha ha ha, nope, haven't had one of those since I was 14.
Borney: Oh..... well you're welcome to come to the prayer circle, should be a nice co-ed group of people
Dale: *thinking* "hmmm I wonder if there are any hot guys there.... after all if Latter Days has taught me anything......" *speaking* "Oh thanks but I'm going to crawl into bed with some chinese food and a good movie"

That would be the first and only time that someone has mistook me for a member of the rougher species (Ro)... This awkward robot dance DC Gay of our life moment is brought to you by the color fuschia and the punctuation mark ?

Anything is possible

Things that I learned were possible this weekend:

As if the current administration wasn't doing enough to royally screw us all over, now they've stooped to just out and out trying to kill us, according to WaPo..... I'm so over dubya and his cronies, I don't care if your daughter IS a card carrying mo.

Friday night I had a family values moment and stayed in by myself to watch a film that is under the category of "don't talk to me movies" These are films that you can zone out to but by no means do you want to interact with anyone during the showing of this film. My poison of choice for friday was This Movie, '(which I enjoy being all science geeky and coming up with reasons why the film isn't feasible given todays scientific knoweledge) combined with a convo prior with Senor Chip who was still enjoying the retirement laden communities of FL. Oh also I hearted my homemade cincinatti chili and beer left over from the super bowl....Sometimes a family values moment is just what the doctor ordered.

Saturday after waking up and hitting el gymnaso as I like to start my weekends, I headed over to Mr. Taylor's abode where we viewed a movie that is near and dear to my heart, both as someone who grew up below the Mason Dixon line and a gay man..... that's right ladies.... Steel Magnolias. Combined with alcohol and greasy chinese food, good times was had by all. And at more than once during the viewing Taylor would chime in with "Drink your juice Shelby." which obviously almost made me snarf my voddles and tonic.

Saturday evening I along with Mr. Taylor went to meet up with all of these ladies at an establishment that I, as a true lady, pure and virginal, don't frequent... that would be an establishment that focused on the gyration of the naked male form to bad techno music. Seeing as how it was one of the ladies birthdays and that due to stadium building these establishments will soon be defunct, I figured why the heck not.

P.S. it is possible to stay entirely classy at one of these establishments as I obviously did by not coming into contact with any of the furniture or bar. Oh also, let me just say that I find absolutely nothing hot about male strippers, so you're naked, where's the fun of the chase in that? Although my slitty little asian eyes got bigger than Monica Lewinskys at an all you can eat buffet when I saw one of the "entertainers" perform auto-fellatio.... if you don't know what it is, let me just say this.... wow.... and I was in the circus so I've seen my share of body bending ridiculousness. I think my running commentary went something like... "Wait is he trying to.... oh no he can't..... that's not going to work..... oh...my...god... I'd congratulate him but I don't want to be anywhere near that freakshow."

P.S. walking home from the establishment in the snow through the ghetto will go down in history on my list of "wow that was a bad idea."

I spent Sunday being a domestic goddess aka sitting on my butt in bed all day and watching old disney movies... jealous? thanks I would be too... :).

Friday, February 10, 2006

Friday Randomness......

I've decided.... I was destined to be a big ole homersexual..... my parents whose 30th anniversary is in a couple months decided that I, along with their visa platinum card, will be planning their event. I'm doing a sit down brunch for 15 btw in a locale in DC to be decided on shortly... any suggestions are welcome. But then I realized something.... their anniversary, the date of their wedding.... yup it's gay pride weekend, coincidence? I think not. Where did they accidentally go to after their reception? A gay bar in georgetown. Things just keep getting weirder. Where was I conceived? (Yes I know it's gross that I know that info but bear with me) oh that's right, Rehomo (Rehoboth Beach). .

P.S. is it wrong that I have the 16 digit account number, the 3 digit security number and the expiration date to the mommy visa memorized??

2). I try, I try and try and try, but I can't get as excited about the winter olympics as I do about the summer olympics. Less sports, more ice, Don't get me wrong I LOOOOOVE watching the bitchy figure skating commentators say crap like "Oooh that death spiral triple toe loop triple axle combination is a favorite of the american judge but the french tend to frown upon such bravado" P.S. Rudy Galindo..... Gay, figure skating, HIV positive man..... wow. all I have to say about that.

3). It is supposed to snow all of 5" this saturday in the D of C. If this was Maine 5 inches aint crap, but in our nations capitol Sh*t be shutting down for a flurry. So on the radio this morning there was talk about getting supplies. What do my supplies consist of? My emergency Gin and Vodka (I actually have emergency bottles of both that I keep hidden in my room). A supply of Digiornos to get me through the tough times, and my Triumvirate of These Three Movies to enetertain me while DC freaks out.

4). My parents want to come to the gay pride parade this year. The following conversation ensued

Dale: You sure you want to come?
Mom: Sure, do we have to get there early to get good seats?
Dale: it's on the street mom.
Mom: Oh, can we buy some sort of private seating? I don't like standing near people.
Dale: Oh don't worry you'll be drunk.
Mom: Well obviously.
Dad: I don't have to wear a dress do I? I'll look like Connie Chung with bad makeup. (We think he was joking...it's all unclear)

5). I've already started looking at prospective swimwear trends that I'm going to be a part of in preparation for Beach Sojourns 2k6. I plan on being at the beach 2/3 at least of the weekends this summer as well as an extended stay sometime in late july. All those years as a lifeguard I swear I'm addicted to being in the water and just wearing a swimsuit and flip flops..

Thursday, February 09, 2006

Would You?

Chip is off to Sunny Florida for a week so y'all have to deal with only me till Black Tuesday (VD).

So I was watching LOGO last night as Golden Girls had ended and my Judith Light Moment of Truth movie hadn't come on yet. And there was a commercial for a movie called Hard Pill about a gay man who takes a pill that makes him straight. And it made me think...... given the chance would I take some miracle drug that would make me have proclivities to throw some woman over my shoulder and make the type of love that makes me throw up a little in my mouth when I think about it???

I mean it'd be easier right? I wouldn't have to second guess myself when people stare at me, or always feel like I'm on my guard in situations that I'm unfamiliar with. I wouldn't have to worry about politicians restricting my civil rights or about middle america accepting who I am. My parents wouldn't be having talks with me about being careful where I go or about being tied to a fence and beaten to death because of who I choose to sleep with.

I mean maybe if I'd been able to choose before birth I may have made the choice to make my life a little easier..... but then it'd be a lot less fabulous, and then what would I have to blog about?? ;)

Life aint easy, and it shouldn't be. I've worked too effing long and hard at being proud of EVERY part of myself to try and do away with being gay with a stupid little pill. Thinking about it is like saying.... you're right conservative america, who I am and what I am is wrong and I should try to change in any way possible to conform to your idea of appropriate....... Well a big hearty EFF you to that. I'll take the years of being called names, being told I was a big ole sissy, being made fun of for wanting to be a diver instead of a basketball player, being worried about and being talked about over caving in to a society that would rather I didn't exist.

For as big and tough as my 'Ro counterparts are purported to be, lets see them try and put up with the crap that's gotten us Mo's to where we are.

So..... not having seen the movie with the straight pill I don't know how it turns out..... but no I would def. NOT take it. The gay community is bitchy, it's catty, it's tiresome sometimes and high drama ALL the time. But I'll take my glitter, discoballs, men in womens jeans and sometimes dresses, the fetus-like twinks, the muscle queens, MANY cocktails, and having the word Fabulous making a regular appearance in my vernacular over living a "straight" life anyday of the week and twice on sunday.

Plus, boys are better kissers...... it's a scientific fact.

**Ooh now I've gone and gotten my blood pressure up.... emergency hair and spa appointment followed by dinner out??? That's the ticket**

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

File that one under "Ooops!"

1) This morning I woke up roughly 90 minutes late, drunk, and having not packed a single thing for vacation. Cross your fingers I didn't forget anything. I made certain to pack my bathing suit though!

2) Due to my luggage, and my inherent laziness, I took a cab to work. I live in NW and work in NW. Upon approaching the Mall in the direction of SW, I asked the driver to go on a crack run after dropping me off at work. He kindly obliged. Who says DC cabbies aren't the sweetest?

3) My superiors keep sending me emails about work they want me to do. I want to send them a reminder:

"Dear person I could do without,

As you may or may not remember, I am leaving town tonight and will not be back in the office till Wednesday. All of these issues you are bringing to my attention need to be resolved before my return, but cannot be resolved before I leave. Therefore, I really don't care and you should be pestering one of my co-workers.


It makes me laugh that they actually expect me to be productive today. Silly rabbits!

4) My body is cursing a few other gay bloggers for my unexpected and excessive intake of alcohol last night.

5) Last night I confronted my nemesis. Our feud has been developing in my head for a few weeks. The results were not pretty...

6) I'm so gay, the wool of my clothes comes from the sheep of Brokeback Mountain.

7) Pink is my "Hero of the Week" for her new "Stupid Girls" video. Watch it!

I'm your private dancer....dancer for money... do what you want me to do.

Ummm yes.... today I'm your correspondent from the G-spot aka my house in the D of C because this lady needs a recuperation moment from the night he had last night. Thanks be to Sean for inviting us to his lovely bf's birthday. Things that may or may not have happened include:

1). Me being coerced into going outside for a nicotine treat by Chris and that b*tch saying, "ooh girl, you need to finish that martini" and me chugging half a martini.... good idea? you'd be mistaken.

2). While standing outside my dumb ass turns around and thinks to myself...hmmm where do I know that guy from? to the old man right outside Halo, and then someone walks out and says "have a goodnight governor dean" yup that's right, my ass was radiating fabulosity mere inches away from Governor Howard Dean. One word to describe that man, jowels....all I have to say.(THIS IS A DC GAY OF OUR LIFE MOMENT BROUGHT TO YOU BY CIGGARETTES AND THE LETTER D)

3). Malibu and Hypnotiq is my new fav cocktail..... I'm declaring it my drink of 06, plus, the light blue tint totally coordinates with most of my clothes.

4). Chip and I discussed how funny it is when were introduced by our blog monikers, now I hope y'all know that our names aren't really Chip and Dale... or are they?

5). I'm a sucker for peer pressure, it's a good thing none of my friends are drug dealers/serial killers cuz I'd probably be in the Manson family by now. Chip pontificated that we would be travelling to the wide world of cobalt, so like a good drunkie, I complied. I may or may not have danced on a pole.... I may or may not have made everyone get off the platform so I could be viewed in my solitary glory by the entire establishment. I may or may not have found a dollar bill in the waistband of my underwear on the cab ride home...

I'm totally like Paris Hilton with a day job...... momma needs a rest.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Scaredy Scaredy Scaredy Cat

So after the requisite sushi dinner with my Gramps and my Great Aunt Mc Crazy filled with racial slurs and talk of Michelle Kwans chances at the Olympics I went over to my parents house to spend the evening. P.S. quote from dinner with the crazy Asians

Crazy Great Aunt: You know, I haven't seen Kristi Yamaguchi in a while
Gramps: I think she married a white guy
Crazy Great Aunt: Ohhhhhh, that explains it...


P.P.S - on my drive to work this morning I saw a little asian woman in a mazda so I obviously keep my distance but saw on her bumper a sticker that says "got rice?" yeah that made my day.

So anyways, I am planning, along with Chip and several members of (Championship Kickball Team) are going to a Monster Truck Rally.... that's right I said Monster Truck Rally. White Trash weekend a go go. Don't worry I'm bringing mace. Anyways I told my parents about my plans which I'm obvy excited about and my parents response: you know you should be careful about where you go. Along with, Maybe you should cut your hair and try and look a little more mainstream.

I realized for the first time that my parents are scared for/of me. I mean both of them have had first hand experiences being marginilized members of society but I figured they'd have developed a "eff the world I do what I want" attitude that I seem to have developed over the years, I was wrong.

Ok now I'm going to get a little heavy.... So when my mom was a teenager her gay cousin (Butch the male nurse..... not making it up) had a boyfriend, Butch was in his 30's and he and his bf shared an apt. in Balmer. The bf was apparently cheating on my uncle/cousin while he was at work. The only reason Butch found out, however was one day he came home from work and the trick that the Bf was having relations with had thought it'd be a good idea to slit the bf's throat and steal all their stuff. Butch has kinda steered clear of relationships for the past 30-40 years because of that.

I guess that left an indelible impression on my mom, my dad's entire family was the product of internment camps so that's an obvy give away but when I came out of the womb, and inexplicably the weather girls "it's raining men" came on, my parents knew I'd be a handful.

by the time I was in HS I had discovered couture and was LOVING IT. I had no problem being all types of fabulous but Mumsy had other ideas.... so what'd she do? She offered me cash for the clothes that she deemed inappropriate. So what was my response? upped the price, gave her the clothes, went back to georgetown, rebought the offending clothes and used the rest of the money for going out. Yes yes I'm a horrible person but whatever, messing with my couture is like messing with my emotions.

Anyways I've never had the impression that there are certain places that I'm not welcome, I think I'm probably just that dense but it was surreal hearing from my parents that there are some places I shouldn't go if I wanted to remain in one fabulous piece. The Monster Truck Rally is in Balmer and Balmer is my Sh*t so there's NO way I'm not going anywhere I damn well please. Besides I figure there's about 10 of us..... the odds of all of us being hate crimed are slim to none.

Now I'm a loud, unashamedly so, Extroverted lady. I don't fall on the butch end of the spectrum, and not now nor have I EVER been ashamed of that fact and I'm pretty sure that scares the CRAP out of my parents/ rando's that think I should act more "normal". I wear tight jeans and cute shirts and yes I get facials, mani's, pedi's and my eyebrows done. I use the terms Honey, Darlin, and Sweetpea on a regular basis. I'm a big ole queen and anybody that has a problem with it can take it to my grill cuz I have no problem dealing with idiots.

So while at the Monster Truck Rally and surrounding events I don't plan on going shirtless with mesh shorts or any such nonsense but I'll be damned if anyone is going to dictate how I'm going to conduct myself as life is way too short and I'm way too fabulous......

Monday, February 06, 2006

Durka Durka Durka, Valentines Day Jihad.

This weekend was what I like to term a Page 6 weekend. I was only at my domicile between the hours of about 3 am and 10 am both Friday and Saturday night due to homo hi-jinx all over our fair city. Family values tour is still in full effect and this lady was Rebecca Responsible ALL weekend long. PS Friday night I learned that A). Chip and I should never EVER attempt to two-step country dance ever again and B). If we do make said horrible decision we should not further compound that bad idea with Chip attempting to dip me. (I'm actually really suprised that all the other people we knocked into didn't kick us with their cowboy boots)
That being said....

Some groups of people have jihads against Dubya, Others have jihads against comic strips, Even others have jihads against Acid washed jeans (I'm in that category as well btw). However, I have a jihad against Valentines Day.

Fine, call me a bitter jaded queen, call me hateful, just do so as you're buying me a martini (Gin, Dirty and Up with 2 olives please) However I have some very cromulent reasons for having a personal jihad against Valentines day.

1). Everyone that is in some sort of relationship brings it to your attention that you, are now an incomplete lady without a knight in shining armor. With the talk of "Oh so what are you doing for Valen...... oh never mind" conversations that are bound to happen. Having a gentleman caller would be wonderful, however I'm pretty sure that I aint doing that bad by myself and I refuse to get one just to save myself from ill-placed pity.

2). The forced sappiness that oozes out of society's every orifice on February 14, or Black Tuesday as I will now call it. I can barely make it out of the Teets without retching at the Pepto-Bismol like explosion of pink boxes of chocolates, pink cards, and teddy bears with phrases like [Number 1 Valentine]. I'm sorry.... thinking about it just made me throw up in my mouth a little.

3). The forced assumption of present exchange. If you need a holiday to have your man get you a sparkly or take you somewhere special then something aint all that kosher. I understand wanting to appreciate whomever you're with but if an entire years worth of affection is relegated to one day then some serious contract re-negotiation will have to occur. (PS the most satisfying relationships I've had were gifts that were well thought out rather than expensive, throwing your money around is more tacky than classy)

4). The elevated Shmoopy factor. That's all I have to say about that. Shmoopiness makes me retch, affection is fine... shmoop is icky

And no, having never been taken out on valentines day I don't have a basis of comparison (I was always in school dating someone from home who would invariably send me a box of chocolates and a cute card, I don't really like chocolates so I'd give them away.... I like the card better anyways) PS I AM bitter about the fact that none of these gentleman sent me flowers which I would appreciate immensely more (having never received flowers this is all still theoretical)

So I will probably be spending this upcoming black tuesday much in the same way I spent last years, holed up in my domicile snuggling with billy the body pillow and treating myself to a sushi/chardonnay/blockbuster evening..... .and you know what?? I'm ok with that.

Friday, February 03, 2006

Friday Five.... Sports... good for the mind AND body

Remember when your parents forced you to play (insert sport here) ?? With my family it was always "you will always play a sport, every season, all year." So on this dreary friday I thought I'd recount some of my success/misadventures in the five sports that I've participated in to put a little sunshine in y'alls day.

1). Baseball: I was only on a baseball team one year. My parents wanted me to be "part of a team" and the only thing I liked about baseball was the fun pants I got to wear, could I hit? didn't get a basehit all season if that tells you anything. Could I catch? the only catch I made all year was an act of god, I was in right field (is anyone suprised?) and a pop fly came right at me, so what did I do? I put my hand out and closed my eyes and the ball dropped into my glove, I think Jesus felt sorry for subjecting me to that much torture all year. And if anyone makes a joke about me not being good at a sport with balls coming at me I will beat you like you stole something.

2). Basketball: Again with the team sports. You'd think because I'm tall and I have the armspan of an orangutan I'd be good at Basketball. You would then be a liar. I didn't like the contact, the running, the shooting, pretty much anything but the shiny shorts I got to wear. So what was my parents solution so that this didn't turn out like the baseball fiasco? That's right, they bribed me. For every time I came in contact with the ball they'd give me $2.00, now if that's not effective parenting I don't know what is. That season made me enough money to buy the nintendo I was drooling over...... even though I still didn't make a single basket.

3). Swimming: I'm actually not a bad swimmer, if you grew up in Montgomery County, specifically Montgomery Village, you swam during the summer.... it was like the law. So for the better part of my formative years I was a Stingray. I love the water and being in the pool, you don't sweat, you get to play sharks and minnows after practice, and you don't have to wear much... ps our speedos were the most heinous red and black striped speedos you ever did see. I even won high point trophy a couple times. ANYWAYS:

funny story number one involved the beginning of practices in early may on an especially cold year, now I don't have much body fat on me which equals not much insulation, and I was complaining to my mom that I was cold. Being the truly understanding woman that she is she said "be tough" so I went back to the pool..... that's when I lost feeling in my arms and legs. so, with both hands clenched and my body freezing I went into the shower and was crying I was so cold. About 15 minutes later my mom came and couldn't find me, and someone actually had to tell her that I was blue and curled up in a ball under the shower..... yeah that'll teach that b*tch to not believe me......

funny story number two involves me at some random swim meet, I'm 9, I'm tough sh*t, I'm staring at the older boys in their swimwear for what seems to be no apparent reason. So it's my turn to race, I get up, the gun goes off.... I'm out like a bullet, I'm definitely at least two body lengths ahead of anyone else in my heat and all of a sudden I hear the roar of the crowd, so, being the gracious person I am..... I stop in the middle of the pool and slowly turn 360 degrees all the while waving to everyone, thanking them for coming out to cheer me on....yeah that didn't go over so well

4). Diving: I was a diver from when I was about 11 through college. I loooooved it. My favorite was platform, you're so high up and it's only you and the open air, feels totally like flying. Plus you can't beat boys in speedos, I'm sorry, you can't. I used to practice 4 hours a day, 6 days a week all year round. In the summer when I was a lifeguard at 11, I'd get up at 6, drive to the pool, dive for four hours and then go to work as a lifeguard. One of my coaches was an Chinese national whose grasp on the english language wasn't what you'd call.... proficient. Her favorite phrase to use was.. "KEEP YOUR BUTTS TIGHT".... because you know, I only clenched the right cheek? and to show dis-satisfaction with our performance... "You make me sick, do you want to make me sick?" ha ha ha ha ha haha ah ha. this is the same woman that made us all stand on our toes a la ballet point without the shoes and walk around so our toes would point better and then make us walk around the pool on our hands.... well whatever she did worked..... got all american :). However my parents after about a year of me participating in the Junior Olympics couldn't watch me anymore, I mean if you see your kid throwing himself off of a 30 foot concrete structure over and over and over, you'd probably be a little worried too.

5). Gymnastics: the sport that I was just not meant to participate in but loved. So like many parents who don't know what to do with their kid who's bouncing off the walls they sent me to a gymnastics class.... which I LOVED. I started that when I was 4, and quickly grew into 3-4 hour practices after school 4 times a week which included ballet (for floor exercise) weight training, as well as the gymnastics itself. My coach was some ex-russian who thought that if he yelled loud enough we'd be more afraid of him than doing a back handspring, flip flop, back full into a punch front. I just looked him straight in the eye and said... I don't want to and you can't make me..... yeah he didn't like that one too much. So my knees are pseudo deformed and if I put high amounts of repetitive stress on them it chips away at my kneecap.... lovely I know, however the gymnastics didn't help that so at the tender age of 11 I was told by my coaches that I'd have to have surgery on my knees to be competitive and that I was really too tall so I might want to consider something else.... so what did I do? I actually did participate in the circus for a brief stint and then into diving.... it's gymnastics in a speedo.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

I'm a big girl now!!!

Ok so.... I was PLANNING on having a quiet evening with some shake n bake, a nice bottle of Pinot, and clean sheets on my bed. Did that happen??? take a wild guess.

So I roll up to my casa post gym, put the shake n bake in the oven (I'm so addicted, I have the suspicion they put crack in the little pouch o' flavor), put on the rice cooker (like grandma said, if I don't eat rice everyday my eyes will go round), and put some brocolli in the steamer (super food of the day? I think so). Opened the bottle of pinot to breathe while I went and showered off the stink of the gym and the looks of the icky closeted military guys checking me out (this is why I don't wear my glasses at the gym, I'm there to actually work out, not get picked up by guys that are by and large butch in the streets and pansies in the sheets, plus if I wore my glasses then I'd be the geeky kid wearing glasses at the gym).

So after my shower (ps post gym showers are maybe the highlight of my weekdays) I sat down and ate my repast and enjoyed the stylings of These Ladies, and was figuring I'd be in bed by 11 and asleep by twelve, save some money and be no worse for wear. I was a liar.

I receive a txt from Chip and our friend T who are already out at a restaurant saying:
"The captains of (Champion Kickball Team) request your precense at Millie and Al's. "

So apparently I'm the first one to call back saying... "sure why not." I try to get The Boy and Mrs. Jesus to join in the merriment but I think The Boy didn't want to walk in the cold (he's delicate like a tulip) and Mrs. Jesus was having a Martha Stewart moment and being all domestic.

It was dollar drafts night at Millie and Al's.... and they have 1$ jello shots too.... so like the good (Champion Kickball Team) member I am I saddled right on up and start drinking with the big girls.... HOWEVER, seeing as how I have the tolerance of a small elephant and I wasn't drinking my usual Gin concoctions, I actually maintained a level of coherence throughout the evening....

Somebody Else, and I'm not naming names.... *cough* Chip *cough* may or may not have, in the interest of polite drunken conversation asked a gentleman whom we were with to prove or dispell any rumours about other peoples claims of him being "well equipped".... mind you we are at a crowded bar, and it's just the gentleman in question, myself, and Chip. Now I won't lie, I would never have said anything to the gentleman regarding this topic but I wasn't about to not listen if it was being talked about.

Also when I walked up to the bar once I was greeted with "OH Dale, I was just telling everybody about the time when you were 18 and..... (this story does NOT need to be published as it paints me a very deep shade of newbie ho'bag).... to which I just laughed at. I'm not embarassed about being called out on the things I've done I just request that they're told in my precense so I can offer a tempered version of the facts, but I really don't need to publish them (unless the price is right, *wink* *wink*). PS, I am not now, nor I have I ever been anything but the pristine picture of virginal grace (That moment in question was a Mulligan, of which you get one every six months), and if there are any disputes on said issue I will cut you like sushi and wear you like gucci.

So my tab was $17 and Chips was $11, we bought rounds.... don't judge!! We went to JR's, and along the way Chip may or may not have left drunken, cuss filled voicemails on several of our friends phones to come meet us. I order us a round of drinks and Chip went to the bathroom, there were NO cute guys there and we were getting stared at like choirboys at the vatican so we amscrayed and went our separate ways.... PS remember the time I was still in bed by midnight?? oh that's right, I RULE!!!

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Huuuuuuuuuuuump Day

A) I really hate popped collars, but "Poppin' My Collar" by Three 6 Mafia is so darn infectiously catchy, I'm hooked!

B) I am already counting down till my Florida vacation. I leave in one week.

C) I am aware that the Blogosphere is not very kind to one of my heroes, miss Rachael Ray. I also understand that Giada of "Everyday Italian" is very popular (I myself am a big fan). A friend of mine insists that Giada is gorgeous. While I would never suggest that Rachael has much sex appeal (although didn't she appear in Maxim or something?), Giada's forehead is SO big! You could fit all of Italy on that noggin. Furthermore, I don't know if you've seen any episodes featuring her husband, but he is a complete clown. Truly. Large forehead aside, Giada is an attractive woman who can cook amazing foods and is almost always sporting some cleavage. Consequently, I have developed a few theories about how she ended up with such a chode:
  • He is very well endowed, fiscally
  • He is very well endowed, physically
  • Giada is TERRIBLE in the sack

Although I have no evidence to prove any of the above theories, I like to believe the last one is true. We can't have anyone showing up my Rachael!

D) I'm in the early stages of planning a major life change (no sex op, sorry) and it absolutely scares me to death. The fact that I am so scared only excites me even more.

E) Part of me thinks homosexuality is nature's way of trying to control population growth.

SOTU..... yikes a million


First let me give my humble S.O.T.U. opinion.... Bush is a good public speaker like I'm a good linebacker. The man has the posture of a petulant school child and the oration skills of a rhesus monkey.

1). Condi : you aren't Jackie O'. stop it with the pink skirt/suit set. You look hella better when you're all dominatrix leather boots, stick with a look that actually works for you. PS, the hair. change it.

2). "Parents having deep concerns about activist courts that are redefining marriage and damaging the health of our most basic institutions": Hey Bushy, remember the time that your niece was sent to rehab for her pill addiction and they found crack on her? yeah that's the gays fault.... you know for such a small portion of the actual population we seem to be able to cause a lot of trouble, maybe it IS true that we have super powers. Oh and as for actual parents concerns??? you might want to turn your blue tie wearing self (don't think I didn't notice) and ask your VP about his concerns..... because I know I'd be concerned if my lesbian daughter who is in a committed relationship and had a successful career and served as my campaign director was trying to destroy the social fabric of the society one marriage at a time.

3). America is addicted to Oil: anybody else see the irony in the fact that the man is decrying the very thing that put his family in the affluent state that it's in today?? McFLY!!! come on McFLY!!!

4). No Child Left Behind: I can't even begin to tell you how many things are wrong with that program. Why don't we make sure that children who aren't up to standards for grade advancement be advanced a grade anyways? and as for rising test scores how about falling test standards? If you REALLY want adequately raise test scores and make our educational system NOT the laughing stock of the developed world why don't you actually pour more money into developing the education of the youth in this country rather than spend it oppressing people in other countries who don't want our "help" anyways *fans self* "is it warm in here?"

5). Cindy Sheehan, silly silly Cindy. While your stunt did get attention, you probably would have gotten a lot MORE positive attention for you cause had you shown up in a pants suit and bore witness to Bush's tirade that pretty much justifies your sons death and the deaths of many other brave men and women. Take a note from Coretta Scott King (may she rest) that dignity and grace will take your movement much farther than wearing an anti-war t shirt.


6). The State of the Union Drinking Game was a splendid idea!

7). Did anyone else notice Frida Kahlo sitting next the First Lady? Holy eyebrow, Batman!

8.) I would like to find the author of the memo instructing the women to wear heinously bright outfits. Seriously, it looked like a rave and/or highlighter convention!

9.) Eyebrows were a big theme last night. First, I was a bit surprised that Tim Kaine delievered the Democratic Response. He's still wet behind the ears! Regardless, did anyone notice his left eyebrow? Oh. My. Goodness. That thing was a solid inch above his eye! I never expected to see a politician lift "The People's Eyebrow," but I was mistaken (editor's note: "The People's Eyebrow" is actually the Rock's right eyebrow, not his left). I could not focus on anything he was saying whatsoever (although I did hear "There's a better way" about 87 gazillion times). Although I also notice that he seemed to mimic some Clinton-esque hand gestures... or maybe I was a bit too tipsy by that point.

10.) How did Mayor Williams manage to get a seat so close to the First Lady and Frida? Does anyone actually take him seriously?

11.) I loathe John Kerry. Margaret is right, he really does resemble the tree people in Lord of the Rings.