Monday, February 06, 2006

Durka Durka Durka, Valentines Day Jihad.

This weekend was what I like to term a Page 6 weekend. I was only at my domicile between the hours of about 3 am and 10 am both Friday and Saturday night due to homo hi-jinx all over our fair city. Family values tour is still in full effect and this lady was Rebecca Responsible ALL weekend long. PS Friday night I learned that A). Chip and I should never EVER attempt to two-step country dance ever again and B). If we do make said horrible decision we should not further compound that bad idea with Chip attempting to dip me. (I'm actually really suprised that all the other people we knocked into didn't kick us with their cowboy boots)
That being said....



Some groups of people have jihads against Dubya, Others have jihads against comic strips, Even others have jihads against Acid washed jeans (I'm in that category as well btw). However, I have a jihad against Valentines Day.

Fine, call me a bitter jaded queen, call me hateful, just do so as you're buying me a martini (Gin, Dirty and Up with 2 olives please) However I have some very cromulent reasons for having a personal jihad against Valentines day.

1). Everyone that is in some sort of relationship brings it to your attention that you, are now an incomplete lady without a knight in shining armor. With the talk of "Oh so what are you doing for Valen...... oh never mind" conversations that are bound to happen. Having a gentleman caller would be wonderful, however I'm pretty sure that I aint doing that bad by myself and I refuse to get one just to save myself from ill-placed pity.

2). The forced sappiness that oozes out of society's every orifice on February 14, or Black Tuesday as I will now call it. I can barely make it out of the Teets without retching at the Pepto-Bismol like explosion of pink boxes of chocolates, pink cards, and teddy bears with phrases like [Number 1 Valentine]. I'm sorry.... thinking about it just made me throw up in my mouth a little.

3). The forced assumption of present exchange. If you need a holiday to have your man get you a sparkly or take you somewhere special then something aint all that kosher. I understand wanting to appreciate whomever you're with but if an entire years worth of affection is relegated to one day then some serious contract re-negotiation will have to occur. (PS the most satisfying relationships I've had were gifts that were well thought out rather than expensive, throwing your money around is more tacky than classy)

4). The elevated Shmoopy factor. That's all I have to say about that. Shmoopiness makes me retch, affection is fine... shmoop is icky

And no, having never been taken out on valentines day I don't have a basis of comparison (I was always in school dating someone from home who would invariably send me a box of chocolates and a cute card, I don't really like chocolates so I'd give them away.... I like the card better anyways) PS I AM bitter about the fact that none of these gentleman sent me flowers which I would appreciate immensely more (having never received flowers this is all still theoretical)

So I will probably be spending this upcoming black tuesday much in the same way I spent last years, holed up in my domicile snuggling with billy the body pillow and treating myself to a sushi/chardonnay/blockbuster evening..... .and you know what?? I'm ok with that.

10 comments:

aklsdjhfa said...

I still cannot believe I wasn't thrown out of the bar on Friday night. I'm either incredibly blessed or incredibly screwed!

Dale said...

Either that or the people that were going to throw you out were enjoying the free show....

JP said...

It's not even a real holiday. Hallmark made it up to sell cards and shit...

Taylor said...

valentine's = straight people holiday. that's one "privilege/right" that I'll happily leave to the breeders. we are too cool to buy that puffy/furry-tacky/gaudy-teddy bear/heart crap.

Dale said...

JP: No kidding... stupid Hallmark conspiracy.

Taylor: I'm so over Valentines day. I'm way too cool for that mess!!

Rhinestone Cowgirl said...

It may be a straight person's holiday, but I'm over it too. The only thing I like about it is the abundance of red everywhere, because red's my favorite color. Other than that... psh.

Complacent Chase said...

Amen, Dale!
Whenever I am single during V-Day, I like to do something nice for myself.

Carrie Broadshoulders said...

Fuck Valentine's Day.

Unless I have a boyfriend by then. Then I expect chocolates, candies and a bottle of liquor.

Otherwise, fuck Valentine's Day.

RoarSavage said...

I'm totally on a Valentine's Day rant for the rest of the week. I'm calling it Countdown to VD. I think you have the right idea, though: for us singles, to keep our sanity, it's easier to pretend that ValDay is more like Canadian Flag Day: a minor holiday that you have no claims to, even if it is nice for others. This year (and many of the previous) I am not of the tribe that celebrates it. O well...

Polt said...

May I fully, totally, and whole-heartedness agree with all that was said above. Even when I was dating someone on VD, I hated it. It's all forced. If I wanna show my special guy I love him, I gonna do it whenever I damn well please, not one a specific date that Hallmark tells me to! Amen, brothers and sisters!