Friday, June 30, 2006


Sometimes you feel like a nut

Sometimes you don't.

Almond Joys got nuts

Mounds don't


Sometimes you feel like a nut.

Sometimes you feel like hooking up with two of your friends boss in his office while visiting said friends who is married and has kids and stopping mid hookup because you have a morality moment and telling said boss to wait in his office and totally ditching him..... oh and then hang out with a guy that was in a coma for the better part of a month, who has bad memory problems, and being remembered by said guy because you were tinkerbell last halloween and he remembered you because you were wearing pretty much nothing.........

Just sayin

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

never leave the couch

I have made a miraculous discovery

10am to 11am- Desigining Women: I'm more of a Julia Sugarbaker

11am-Noon: Golden Girls: More of a Rose, I'm just too sweet for words!

Noon-1pm: Will and lie, in HS they used to call me Karen, cuz I'm mean and I drank martini's since I was 16.

Do you think my new job will let me come in around 1:30?

Friday, June 23, 2006

Friday Five......... Sayonara Suckers!

1). Today is my last day of my job. I'm taking almost two weeks off. During said time I will be sleeping in, sunning, and decorating jumanji. Be jealous.... be very jealous

2). My car was almost stolen Wednesday.... in a parking lot in the suburbs... I totally confronted the gentleman as it was broad daylight.... did I turn on my diva switch and get my keys back? you betcha!!

3). It's a good thing I wasn't entirely too open about my "social" life last night at cactus cantina after the third glass of sangria..... oh wait.

4). If you haven't yet, put it in your calendar to see The Vodka Manx at the Science Club, wicked good tunes and really chill atmosphere... I will definitely be a repeat offender at said location.

5). Myself and one of my best friends are unable to be employed when the other is not, she quit as of today..... thank god I'll have someone to make fun of Rachel Ray with during the day while I'm relaxing next week!!!!

Thursday, June 22, 2006

I'm a washingtonian

As one born and raised in the DC/metro area......well maybe not born, I hail from Ballmer hun, I recently took an online test (because they're the most accurate obvy) and it has been determined that I'm 57% Dixie..... I think that's just about perfect for a Washingtonian... don't you?

PS. Totally called in sick from work today, tomorrow's my last day.... I'm so klassy

PPS. My sister, for my birthday, made me a pair of sweats that say across the butt "People Know Me" in an homage to Ron Burgundy.... yeah that's gonna do well for my rep.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Now THAT's what I call a dream

I don't usually remember my dreams but this one was loud, proud, and in color!!

Picture it, new orleans (no clue why), and myself, Chip, our friends Joe (who for some reason had a mullet), the ladies known as the Twin Towers, and my friend C who is dating one of the twin towers were all celebrating something which has also yet to be determined. For most of the dream I'm freaking out that I should be going home because I have an non-linear geometry exam this coming friday... thankfully I'm smart enough even in dream form to realize that I graduated in 2004.... I'm so smart S-M-R-T.

Anyways, for whatever reason, it's also Gay Pride so Chip and I decide to go to a drag show which as I recall was fabulous. But who has the best table in the house? You guessed it, Carol Schwartz. I got a little excited and we stayed to enjoy the show.

We go back to the celebration with the rest of our friends and guess who shows up?? La Schwartz, obviously she'd heard about our party and wanted to join in. I actually remember thinking.... wow, I bet The Boy is going to be wicked jealous when he finds out I was hanging with Carol, maybe I should call him... nah, he never picks up his phone anyways. Then who shows up?? Eleanor Holmes Norton, duh.

Carol has to excuse herself for a menthol, Chip joins her as no lady should smoke outside alone, and I ran and got my camera and joined the pair. The following conversation ensued

LaSchwartz: So Holmes, what'd you do tonight? I was at the most fabulous drag show
EHN: Oh I stayed in and watched some TV
LaSchwartz: You should definitely go sometime, it's so much fun.
EHN: That's not really my style.
LaSchwartz: EHN, don't be such a f*cking b*tch.

Some people dream of flying.... Some people dream of getting a piece.... apparently I dream of DC council members / non-voting DC reps in Congress...

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

How to look like you're working hard......without really trying

Ok dokie..... this is my last week at my current job... I will be taking about two weeks of vaca before starting the next one. I was GOING to go to SoBe this weekend, as my mom is going because she's bored and was going to rent another hotel room for me (drunken offer) .... why am I not going?? mumsy didn't tell me until yesterday and I already made plans. It's ok, she promised me key west come winter.

Anyways, as I look back on my tenure as an employed member of society, WHICH I have to say is entirely overrated. I long for the days that I was a recently graduated individual with no real marketable skills except for my circus experience, who spent the summer of 04 doing naught but waking up, going to the pool with my laptop, "applying" for jobs for about 45 minutes, go swimming, go to the gym, go back to the air conditioned apartment, turn on the Cosby Show, pour myself a little G&T, and call my other friend who was also unemployed, she'd bring over sushi and wine, and we'd watch the iron chef marathon for the rest of the day.

However, I thought I'd share some things that I DID learn as an employed individual (obviously from others as I'm the perfect employee), which is still overrated and I'm in the market for a sugar daddy a la last summer with the beach house fame.

Always carry a pad and pen: This makes it look like you're in the middle of something. It helps if you have something written down, preferrably in list form on that pad. If you keep the pen behind your ear, it gives the appearance that you're in so much of a hurry that you can't be bothered.

Perfect your "I'm intently staring at the computer screen no matter what's on it" look: Mastering this look will make anyone who walks by your office/cube think to themselves "wow, look at how intense [insert name here] is, I shouldn't bother them with this little question, let me go find an intern."

Cover all surfaces on your desk with stickies and print outs: You can print out emails, no matter how banal, and if called on it you say, "I like to keep a paper trail blah blah blah, quality assurance blah blah blah."

If you plan on leaving the office early for the day without telling anyone, leave your computer on: It aint like it's your computer, and if anyone calls you on it the next day you can say you were looking for [insert name of file] at the [insert obscure filing location] and went back to your desk later obviously. duh.

I wonder if I should tell HR the things I've learned on my exit interview......hmmmmmmm

Monday, June 19, 2006


So ok, tornado of crazy doesn't begin to describe what's going on right now.... this weekend was no different.

If someone asks you to do a shot of tequilla with them at Fox and Hounds, don't do it. It will no doubt put you in a bad bad place as one shot apparently translates to half a water glass at F&H.

Groups of straight girls from the vag should not be allowed in the gayborhood after dark unaccompanied by a card carrying gay man who lives in DC or lesbian who lives in DC.

Actual convo had by myself and a friend whom I don't see often, on Saturday:

Dale: So what's new?
Friend: ummm since we talked last (bout a month ago) me and my bf got domestic partnerized and he got a job in (country that's not the US) and we're moving there in a month
Dale: ummmm wow...well.... I bought a futon....

This morning I just got word that a friend from college that I haven't talked to in a couple years died saturday night. I'm still kinda shell shocked but in more of a "holy sh*t" place than a crying place, one of those "I feel bad because I don't feel worse" type situations.... I don't even know how it happened but she was only 27..... life sure as sh*t aint fair sometimes.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Friday Five.... summer summer summertiiiiime

1). I totally forgot how awkward robot dance it is to be with a couple of your friends and run into someone's parent that knew you when you were a child. Twenty minutes later and she's regaling your friends with stories about how your mom helped her through her menopause and how cute you were when you and her daughter had matching speedos all summer, every summer, for 10 years because your mom and her always made sure to go swimsuit shopping together..... It's a good thing I didn't want to cover my head with my hands and go to my happy place.... oh wait.

2). It's really kind of awkward when your friends ex's contact you out of the blue "just to chat." I thought we settled the whole custody battle when you dicked over my friend?? No? well then I can't be held responsible for what I lead you to believe.... what am I up to? oh you know, hot bf (lie), going to europe for a couple weeks (lie).... and yourself? still doing manual labor? yeah that's tough.

3). I've already seen from my travels up and down the runway that this summer, much like summers past, has seen fit to trick some poor misguided queens into buying the complex velcro meets woven meets crazy sandal contraptions. Let me give y'all a little hint of advice. Keep it simple, keep it classy, thong sandal (flip flop) or simple across the bridge of your foot slide sandal. Less is more ladies. Oh and these are a crime against nature..... a crime...nature.. against.

4). I'm sorry did anyone else see the Britney Spears Interview last night??? Holy Guacamole, it was everything I could ask for and more. There was the bad extensions, the see through maternity shirt, the crying, and an glob of chunked up mascara at the corner of one of her eyes that was big as life!! PS did everyone get a look at those heinous wooden sandal-y things she was wearing??? Looks like someone has come full circle and is just as trashy as she wants to be.... she's totally two steps away from having sex with her cousin and featuring a banjo in her next music video. PS matt lauer, while I would still have a million of his babies.... starting to get a little busted... c'mon matt.

5). I believe the summer itch has finally taken hold of me. I definitely go through periods of hibernation where gentlemen callers mean little to nothing to me.... I think that's over, at least for now. Time to re-open the application process for a gentleman caller, application to follow.

Thursday, June 15, 2006

I'm so educatafied!!!

So ok.... obviously since it was a glorious evening I went to the runway and met a friend for cocktails at Fox and Hound, I didn't expect it to be such an educational experience as I learned a few things.

1). If you walk up and down the runway long enough you are guaranteed to pick up a man. This was evident by not one but two gentlemen (I use the term loosely) who walked up and down 17th st. maybe 8 or 9 times a piece and were rewarded with organisms that can only be classified as pseudo human that they then took to what I assume was a covered location to do whatever unholy acts. PS: Gentleman #1 ( sleeveless T, bad dye job[lollipop red], and WAAAAY too much fake and bake) Gentleman #2 ( obviously on something, eyes dilated more than marion barrys on election day, skinny guy in v. baggy clothes) They obviously both deserve no sex in life.

2). Groups of unaccompanied straight girls who are tools, at an establishment on a street where the majority of businesses are gay owned and operated will congratulate themselves on being so fabulous for hanging in the gayborhood no less than 10 times an hour. Congratulate yourselves all you want ladies, at the end of the night aint none of us is punching your kitty. Now this isn't a rant on straight women, three of my best friends are straight women.... but they're also not tools.

3). If you are at an establishment that sells drinks by bringing you a cup with ice and the liquor of your choice in it and then give you a travel size bottle of whatever (in my case tonic) with which to mix with the glass full of the liquor of your choice, do NOT order the following (a martini, a cosmopolitan, or a mimosa) You will be branded for the rest of the night as the jerks from the dirty vag wearing short-sleeve buttondowns and madras shorts (short sleeve buttondowns make the baby jesus cry) that decided to come to dc and be idiots. Also don't even get me started on the lady that ordered a mimosa at 9 pm......

4). I am not a bitch just because you slapped my butt on the way to the bathroom and I turned around and told you that that was not an appropriate way to introduce yourself, give you a look that would make Hitler cry, and then turn and walk away. I'm a lady dammit.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

What DIDN'T happen this weekend

Pride is a magical time full of hope, full of love, full of vodka..... lot's of vodka.

Friday night Chip and I went with a couple of other ladies to JR's and then to Halo, where I was reminded how small this city is when one lady commented about "socializing" with another lady in the backseat of their fathers mercedes, and the lady in question happened to be the current bf of one of the other people in the group.... yeah can you say awkward??

Saturday was the last lazy Chip/Dale saturday for a very long time, in sweats and a hoodie I traversed with Chip who actually managed to look presentable to P. City to get some last minute things for his trip, I admire Chip for being able to go to Ecuador but any country that requires me to have mosquito netting is really just not for me.... and having had to use it previously in my travels I can just say it is one of the most annoying things to roll over in bed just to end up with a mouth full of mosquito netting.

The parade... everyone was there... Ms. Carol Schwartz all a glitter in her green print blouse and requisite chunky jewelery. We had long islands, that may have been a bad choice. Chip may or may not have yelled at a girl who was standing in his way, and then made fun of her, and then realized she was deaf....sweet. Oh and some lady came up to me started screaming from recognizing me and this blog from a picture from an unknown location (probably porn) and stroked my ego more than a baby kitten. I ended that night at JR's, I was going to go to blowoff but due to extenuating circumstances that didn't happen so much as not.

Sunday was the main event, my parents brunch.... I started drinking at 10am and didn't stop till about 10 pm.... that was ridic. Thankfully everything went off without a hitch and the staff at the locale was very accomodating to me read ( they bowed in fear...IN FEAR). After which was a trip to a watering hole in my neck of the woods and many of the blogerati were in attendance, which was followed by JR's where I was accused of not wearing underwear several times... my response?? "Of course I'm wearing underwear.... I'm a LADY."

Obvy called in sick on monday, Accepted a job offer, watched some blockbuster, accepted a date offer from a gentleman whom I'd given my number to at the parade and don't remember doing such a thing. I remember him as cute, we shall see what develops. my kickball team dominated the field... and then we said goodbye to Senor Chip for the summer, hopefully he won't get eaten by a llama while in Ecuador.

Monday, June 12, 2006

Bon Voyage!!!

Pride: my body still hurts. more later.

Tomorrow Chip is moving to Ecuador, let us all wish him good luck, lots of fun, and well wishes!! DC won't be the same this summer, and McDonalds sales figures on 17th st at 2 in the morning will take a dramatic decrease.


Friday, June 09, 2006

Friday Five... Convo-tastic!!

1). There has got to be something in the paint of my condo complex because not only is one of the front door ladies obviously a meth addict or something as she's constantly chewing her gums and drooling on herself while talking.... THERE'S more than ONE!!!! As I was doing my laundry last night (Maid's on vaca) another lady on the condo board came into the laundry room, stood there and proceeded to stare at me....until it was mucho awkward and then I turned and the following convo ensued,

Dale: Ummm hi?
Crazy Lady #2: So.....where are you from?
Dale: Ummm Montgomery County?
CL2: No, what's your background?
Dale: Oh, ummm my dad's Japanese my mom's German
CL2: I thought so! I said to myself that boy is too tall for an Oriental.
Dale: *Screaming in my head* ORIENTAL IS FOR CARPETS NOT PEOPLE YOU DUMB FAT SMELLY PIECE OF SH*T. *Actually Said* Ummm yup, guess so, k bye now.

2). My godparents as I've said time and time again scare me on several levels. They love the eff out of me and if anything happened to me they'd unleash the fury of a thousand suns on whomever.... plus I know there's a lot of you out there that think you can drink..... I can without a doubt say that my godmother can drink you under the table... twice. I've actually been yelled at for stopping at two martinis after cocktails and margarita hour. Anyways as my parents anniversary brunch is in Dupont I suggested to everyone that they metro... the following convo ensued with my godmother.

Dale: Hi [godmother], you might want to metro this weekend, it's pride and it's going to be wicked crowded
Godmother: *pause* public transportation? oh honey, the [godmothers last name] do not take public transportation, what if were seen?
Dale: Good point. I'll have your martini ready when you get there (11 am, sunday morning)

3). Convo I had with a co-worker on what one should serve as food at a naked party.

Dale: So, if you were to host such a party, what kind of food would you serve
CW: Cheese tray?
Dale: Yeah and veggies, but I wouldn't serve any carrot niblets or beanie weanies...bad images.
CW: Yeah and light on the sauces, those things can really stain the upholstery

4). Convo I had with my mother who wanted to walk in the Pride parade under the PFLAG banner in her wedding dress...

Dale: Mom, you are not walking in the parade in your wedding dress
Mom: fine, but I'm still walking.
Dale: Mom you know that means actual walking right? you aren't on a float.
Mom: Really? Nevermind, I don't do walking.

5). And finally.... in honor of pride a convo I had with a straight guy friend on the nature or nurture argument on homosexuality.

Dale: I watched Underworld Evolution last night... it was pretty sweet.
SGF: yeah, someone should tell those bible thumpers out there that if you're still gay after watching Kate Beckinsale as a leather-wearing vampire, then being gay is not a choice.
Dale: Aint that the truth.

*PS Katie B. can make the the Ro's drool all they want, Scott Speedman shirtless for most of the movie?? Be still my heart!!*


Thursday, June 08, 2006

Pride 2k6, because knoweledge is power

So Pride 2k6 is in sight and the signs are all around us, i.e. streamers of homosexual glory outside cobalt, the announcement of the bachelor auction (which I will NOT be participating in this year thank god..... that was a bad choice, not because I have ANY problem standing in front of a large group of people in just my underwear but because that night last year I may or may not have made out with mr. clean and passed out in my car)

ANYWAYS, I thought that seeing as how I revel in the dispensation of knoweledge, especially that of the homosexual variety.... so therefore I'd like to give my own Pride Guide 2006.

Mr. & Ms. DC Pride: Wanna see where the people from Annies aka The Glass Coffin go when they aren't chowing down on overpriced jalapeno poppers and watching those of us that don't have to wear adult depends walk on the runway??? You will find them all watching Mr. & Ms. DC Pride.... I went one year, on a date, it was not fun, I never talked to that guy again.

Parade: Think a DC version of Mardi Gras, Bringing water bottles with your favorite bevvy in it is always a good idea... stay hydrated (Read: half vodka half cranberry juice). Fighting the crowds to get into Cobalt to get a refreshment is not ladylike, although I've fought the crowds to use the restroom.... that is a necessity. It will be hot. Unless you go to the gym a LOT please don't take off your shirt.... it is an affront to the very delicacy of my nature. Oh and if you wear sandals be prepared to at some point have your feet stepped on.

Attire In General: No jean shorts or cut off jean shorts. No sleevless T-s, it is not 1995 anymore. No Visors, I can't even begin to tell you my problems with visors. No Tevas, those are a hate crime against your feet. Birks are allowed for our saphic (sp?) sisters. short sleeve button downs are also not cute, and if I see any queen walking around with their thong showing out of their pants I may or may not do a drive by with a body glitter stick.

Festival: I don't like it, I'm hungover and I'm in no mood to talk to the gay black jewish coalition on why I should support gay parents in El Salvador or what have you. The biggest concern on my mind is usually who I made out with outside JR's last night and why my mouth tastes vaguely of liccorice and even though I went home alone why I'm wearing somebody elses shirt.

So go, be gay, be fabulous, enjoy the festivities, and if any of you are so inclined to stand near the protestors (I don't like to) Give them a few choice words for me. I'm sure I'll be out, but I apologize in advance if I don't remember conversing with any of y'all come Monday.

OH and remember this : What Happens at Pride, stays at pride.... take from that what you will.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Sweet Jesus Christ on a Cracker.......


So... ok. Yesterday as I'm planning on leaving, excited about my regular trips to the spa by my office to get groomed, cut, and otherwise tended to in a way that befits my status (duh), a co-worker stopped by my office. Now she's religious. Not in a normal, I hate gays, I hate technology kind of way....... that I can deal with. She's religious in that her church is named the flaming spirit of the lord, speaks in tongues, and has recently joined a dance class for the sole purpose of praising Jesus.

ANYWAYS... she came into my office yesterday to have a conversation that in my mind is entirely too long to have in a professional setting and then turns to leave but then turns back... and no joke says...... "Oh (Dale) remember, Jesus Loves You." My response was.... "Ummm thanks" (which incidentally is the same response I had to one of my ex's when he dropped the L-bomb however there are very few similarities between him and the son of our lord other than they both probably could use more showers)

Let's review:

We are in a work environment. You don't know my religion. For all you know I could be the high priest of the house of Satan or something, I'm not btw... red and black really aren't my colors plus I have a feeling there's a big leather contingent with that kind of religion and there are many things I look good in but leather aint one of them.

Turns out she's been singleing out the 'mo's on my floor and basically telling us all that Jesus loves us on a semi-regular basis, mayhaps she's trying to save my sould which has been damned to the fiery pits of hell for participating in a little man on man action and having an undying love for This Man (who will one day make an honest woman out of me).

.... So to this person I say, "No Maam, Jesus obviously does not love me because then he would have given me the capacity to put up with your simple minded weird self...unfortunately I do not have this ability."

Story Addendum: She cut her most of her hair off the other week because she feared she was worshiping it like a false idol and cutting it brought her closer to the lord.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Allright Enough is Enough

In the wake of our fearless leader issueing his support of the first constitutional amendment that limits the rights of his citizens, I believe it is time for me to once again assume control over jesusland and take the reigns of this country before were ALL start saying things such as:

"I think we agree, the past is over" (Bush, May 10, 2000)

That being said, please let me communicate the platforms on which I will be running, and obviously winning the position of POTUS, as well as maintaining HRH Dale.

Family: I think were a little too short-sighted here. The issue isn't about who can marry who, who the eff cares if Jim wants to marry John instead of Jane, god may not have created Adam and Steve but he sure created Cheez Wiz so we all know that the big guy aint perfect. Plus, I still can't wrap my head around how my marrying a prada-clad, beach house on 3 coasts having, tall, dark and handsome man can be the undoing of society. I think the issue we have to think of is procreation. Under my authority, all couples who wish to procreate or adopt will have to go through an intense screening process which will determine, attractiveness, intelligence, good taste, and etiquette. It is my vision that THIS never happen ever again.

Iraq: Anyone raise their hand who thinks this is a good idea. No George.... not you.... you go sit in the corner and stop eating the paste.

Cabinet: I will announce the addition of several cabinet positions to my administration which would include the Duchess of Protocol, Secretary of Style, and Secretary of Cocktails. These positions will be mostly domestic however they will include government subsidies on happy hours, subsidized consultations at major department stores which will teach us things such as why neon spandex is not your friend, and a pamphlet which will detail what fork to use when.

Choosing A new CIA Head: I think the most important qualification of a CIA director was overlooked when Hayden was appointed. The ability to sing along to the Mission Impossible soundtrack while making your hands into a gun shape and going all stealth mode down a hallway.....duh.

Hurricanes: Ummmmmm I'm against them?

Education: As were all aware I plan on opening Dale's Royal Etiquette Academy for Youth. While that specific institution will only be open to a very select few (emphasis on the gays), I encourage more such schools to open.

With all these platforms I am confident in the fact that I can also add POTUS to my royal title. Thank you.

P.S.- I was having a convo with Chip last night about how you're pets reflect your personality. I have a cock-a-poo..... what exactly does that say about me??? hmmmmmmm

Monday, June 05, 2006

Forewarned is Fairwarned

1) I have no idea why I feel like posting, but I do.

2) I am back in town after a four day wedding celebration in Memphis, and I will need much time to recover. I know most people who read this blog frown on Virginia, so I can only imagine how they feel about the Midwest, but Memphis is still one of my absolute favorite cities! *Cue the Marc Cohn...

3) Today is my last day of work!

4) Chasing a shot of vodka with whiskey on the rocks is not advisable. Dancing like a fool at large gatherings (especially weddings) however, is strongly encouraged!

5) I am in love with my new "Ms. New Booty" ring tone.

6) Graceland is WAY overrated. Random fun (or lame) fact: Elvis's motto was "Takin' care of business in a flash" and memorialized this motto with the notation TCB over a bolt of lightning. This symbol appears on his planes, the Lisa Marie and the Hound Dog, among over things.

7) The perfect way to end a four day glutton fest of eating and drinking in excessive amounts is to take a cab from the airport directly to Adam's Mill for 25 cent wings and $2.00 beers, of course.

8) I move to Ecuador one week from tomorrow!

The weekend, fun, sun, shopping.... duh.

Friday night I'd like to thank all the ladies that came out to help me culminate the celebration week of my birth at JR's. This may or may not include one gentleman who, as reported by other sources on Saturday socialized not once, but twice in one of the bathrooms. Now that's Klass. I actually was sober sally Friday night.... what? me? in control of my faculties? who knew? God maybe I am getting old. Although I did redeem myself by mayhaps going to Chaos to see the trannie performer with big glittery pasties over her nipples, I thought I was going to get shanked by a sandanista or something. I also ended the night in true Lady fashion...... Amsterdam Falafel with extra hummus duh.

Saturday I had brunch with this lady, saw a fellow blogger as he was on his way out from the same establishment. I would have gotten up but I was looking a little rough and not about to draw attention to this fact. I then did my cardio for the week, also known as going into a furniture store after being recommended to by this fantastic gentleman, and pulling out my tiara with the following convo:

Dale: Hi, I'd like this futon with this mattress and I want this mattress cover made for me, oh and I don't do assembly so thanks for taking care of that.

Salesman: That's the quickest anyone has ever come in here and bought a futon. Do you want to look at the cost estimate?

Dale: No thanks, here's my card, I'm going to go pick out some more stuff....

apparently brunch and a bloody mary on a saturday turns me into La Lohan.

I had family dinner Saturday night with a couple of my best friends, mucho vino was had and then apparently we went out in AdMo for a little heterosexual-fabulosity. Much of the night remains a mystery much like Jared Leto's sexuality, however I will report that I woke up next to an empty box that may have contained jumbo slice at one point.

Fast forward to brunch with various friends and were standing in front of a table at a restaurant in admo waiting for a table, and honestly watching this guy break up with his gf at brunch. Obviously were trying to hear what they're saying as duh, if you're dumb enough to stick around while your bf is trying to break up with you in public then you will be the source of my entertainment.... duh.

Rest of sunday= recovery and family dinner at sushi... and viewing of Big Love which I heart. PS gay men could never have a polygamous situation, those are called orgies.... duh.

Friday, June 02, 2006

Friday Five..... Birthday Address!!!!!

I have been fortunate enough to have friends and family help me celebrate this past week of the anniversary of my birth, which, btw was referred to in WaPo horoscope section as the "day of royal birth" coincidence?? Obvy not... Obvy.

1). My grandfather and great aunt (who now having lost what mental faculties she has left can't really eat or talk so will no longer be called crazy, she will now be referred to as the Dowager Aunt) took me out to dinner at a chinese restaurant, and in an effort to get the Dowager Aunt to smile my grandfather picked up a fork instead of chopsticks and said... "Look at me (Dowager Great Aunt) I'm a (japanese derogatory term for white people)." She smiled.... I nearly crapped myself, good thing my family is SO PC.

2). My sister or La Principessa, has threatened to go all artsy fartsy and make some sort of amalgamation of sweatpants and puffy paint for my birthday. If I get a pair of sweats that reads Hot Stuff across the butt I swear I'm going to replace her shampoo with nair. Either that or wear them out to JR's three weeks in a row.

3). My Father, for a father son birthday present, is taking me shopping...... at Calvert Woodley Liquor store. I love my daddy.

4). This weekend is the first full weekend I have that I'm not working at SRL, I will be spending much if not all of that time in bed, save for the audience I will be having with the event coordinator at the location for my parents 30th anniversary. I use that term very loosely as I've been responsible for menu selection, wine selection, cake design, flower arrangements, seating arrangements. I will be interviewing wait staff and scheduling the time and order of all the food..... I'm sorry but I'm a queen that knows what she wants, and a big enough b*tch to demand it.

5). I have been gay-beaten (see brow-beaten of the gay variety) into going out one last time in celebration of the anniversary of my reign. Apparently I will be gracing the runway (17th st.) so if one is mayhaps to be out in said area and sees me in all my regal glory (read: drunk and having mcDonalds in one hand and Amsterdam Falafel in the other) do not judge me.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Now that I'm old I'm wise

I'm officially a year older and dammit if I haven't learned a couple of pieces of wisdom. Either because I have great people in my life that bring them to my attention or because as I traverse this path, I learn more and more about how to become a little bit more comfortable in my crown.

I was reminded last week when one of my best friends said, "you know I don't think you realize how many people love you," sometimes when you're in a dark place you forget that you're never alone because there's always someone that cares enough to walk with you. P.S. I'm also reminded of the West Wing anecdote:

There once was a man who found himself in a hole and he couldn't get out.
A priest walks by and said, "I will pray for you," and walked away.
A carepenter walked by and said, "I will go find wood and build you a ladder," and walked away.
A friend came by and immediately jumped in the hole.
The man said "what are you doing?"
The friend replied, "I've been down here before, follow me, I know the way out."

Wearing a shirt that exposes your mid-riff is never ok. for anyone. ever.

Ice-luges and I do not get along. at all.

Working 7 days a week is not a good way to alleviate boredom brought about by saturday during the day with nothing to do, even if you do get to dispense more sass than RuPaul at a drag queen convention.

Sometimes we burn bridges for a reason. Good reasons. and those bridges should stay burned.

Sandals with socks makes the baby jesus cry.