Wednesday, May 31, 2006

I got exactly what I wanted!!!

Tonight is my birthday.

My birthday wishes have never come true, this year was different.

I didn't wish for a boyfriend, I didn't wish for enough diamonds to crush Paris Hilton.

Sunday night when I blew out my candles I wished for what just happened

My three best friends in DC came over and had chinese food. I have no furniture, they didn't care. I had barely enough silverware and glasses for everyone, they didn't care.

It was quiet, it wasn't glamorous. It was people that I love and that love me taking time to wish me a happy birthday.

Good friends love you for your greatness, Best friends love you for your flaws. I have the best friends in the world.

I couldn't wish for anything more, and I couldn't be more grateful.

May 31

Happy birthday, Dale!

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Three Day Weekends, I could get used to this

I heart three day weekends, I feel that personally I should be allowed to have every week be a three day weekend due to my delicate nature and..... well shouldn't that be enough?

Friday night saw the demise of my week thankfully, and one of my friends whom wanted to take me out for a celebration of sorts, for those of you who are not fully aware this week sees the anniversary of my gracing the planet with my precense and as such celebratory events have commenced. After having lovely Tanq and T's at another gentleman's apt. we all headed to JR's and then Halo where I not only maintained my composure but my balance.... snaps to me!! Fast forward three hours and I'm walking home through Walter Pierce park and a drunken sassy black woman was sitting on a bench and as I clip clop past in my fabulous italian mules she says... "Honey with a walk like that you belong on the runway," Girl don't I know it....

Saturday saw the demise of Snotty retail location job. I have abused my ridiculous discount to the maximum and I now am the proud owner of enough preppy wear to take me well into next year. Post last day I was walking home and stopped by at the local wine store when I realized that ALL the traffic on Connecticut Ave. from Woodley Park to Dupont had been diverted, turns out there was a jumper. Not sure if he actually did jump or not, but yikes-o-rama. I then proceeded to L'auriol for a glass of sangria and meeting up with friends.

I proceeded to go to a party hosted by all these fine ladies, drinks were had, drunkeness ensued. I had an enjoyable time without being too klassy and I would like to say that I showed excellent judgement skills on a variety of fronts, especially when I personally was confronted with a choice that I probably would have not been too happy about come morning. However this decision may have been reached after a klassy public making-out display.... I didn't say I was super klassy.

Sunday, after a recovery period I was taken out to a marvelous italian dinner by my closest friends in DC, I have to say that friends are the family you choose and I'm wicked lucky to have such a great group of people. After gorging we headed over to Dan's cafe where I may or may not have spent the better part of the evening playing the erotic photo game where you are presented with two of the same pictures but they have been edited with small differences that you have to point out in an allotted time. I'm a klassy lady.

Monday..... I celebrated memorial day in the klassiest way imaginable.... Kings Dominion. I roller coastered, I screamed, I may or may not have shared a hug on a roller coaster with the bf of one of my closest friends as I was getting thrown about like a rag doll by one of the coasters. PS if you ever feel bad about the way you look or dress or act, go to an amusement park, you will feel better about yourself in 2.2 seconds. I may or may not have ended the evening at a hooters in fredericksburg. PS I have heartburn now.... ew.

Friday, May 26, 2006


The prospect of a three day weekend makes me giddier than a priest in a playground!!!

I would like to use the Friday five to give five reasons why, that while I respect and admire our armed services and more than admire a man in uniform, I will never serve our country in such a capacity.

1). I hear that camoflauge face paint makes you break out and I'm not trying to be in some deep dark jungle and have to worry about pimples.

2). If I were to be taken prisoner I would be the WORST P.O.W. There's a good chance I'd spill all of the secrets for a roll of two-ply and a snickers bar. And not even the king size snickers, I'm talking fun size snickers.

3). I have only shot a gun twice and it was a horrible horrible experience, my friend had a farm in PA that we would go to every year for his b-day and when we were all 10 his dad (ex marine) thought it would be a good idea to teach us to shoot guns. He made us all fire a handgun (A glock) and a rifle. When I fired the glock I fell back on my ass, and when I fired the rifle it left a HUGE bruise in my shoulder. Plus it made me very uncomfortable to be that close to something that deadly. PS fast forward 10 years and I'm working feet away from Anthrax, Ebola, and other agents that carry a hazard level of Biosafety Level 4. Hmmmmm

4). I refuse to lay down my life for a country that only recognizes me as a second class citizen, where (the baby jesus willing) if I decide to settle down with a consort, I would not be given the same rights as other couples. Also while serving I wouldn't be able to be proud of having such a relationship and would have to "don't tell". Eff that noise.... plus I'm gayer than christmas.

5). When my grandparents were my age, my grandfather was fighting a war for a country that had told him that because of his ethnic background he was a traitor. My grandmother and her family were placed in a high security internment camp because of their familial status and due to the "fine medical care" my great grandfather contracted pneumonia and died, after being refused transportation to a nearby hospital. They don't talk about it, preferring to show the medals my grandfather received. The only time I ever heard a story about the camps was when my great aunt who now doesn't know who I am or who anyone else is told me in a hushed tone about the one day they were all playing baseball, and someone hit the baseball under the fence and someone's little brother who was about 7 went to go get it. He had made it about 20 feet outside the fence when a guard in a tower shot him in the back and killed him. If war can make someone detached enough to be able to shoot a child then I want no part of it.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

We must be more powerful than I thought

It makes me very confused as to how many crazy fundamentalist christian groups can blame things like 9/11, the war in Iraq, terrorism, and yes, even hurricane Katrina on the fact that the United States tolerates homosexuals. Apparently there was some sort of super power day that happened and I guess I slept in or something because as far as I am aware I don't have any super powers that don't involve my being able to intake enough vodka to kill a small elephant and still be able to keep my tiara from falling off. That being said I would like to announce the formation of the Gay version of Captain planet and the planeteers.... making the world a gayer place for you, me, and every fundamentalist, bible thumping, using jesus as an excuse for your hate person out there.

The power of the twink: Now this power is mainly centered on glitter, the ability to go for days without sleep or food and still look dew-y and fresh. The superhuman ability to have an encyclopedic knoweledge of every fashion magazine known to man and the ability to say "I'd like a french manicure please" while wearing clothes meant for teenage girls and still keep a straight face. This superhero's downfall however is bringing up a topic of anything substantive, if you try and discuss current events the twink will recoil in horror.... and in a blast of glitter, will be gone!! The powers of confusion are strong in this one as the twink cannot focus on anything for more than 30 seconds without having a "sparkly object" moment.

The power of the Bear
: This would be the brawns of the operation, this super hero is not afraid, and is often drawn to, activities that would make some of the other parts of this team raise a well plucked eyebrow and turn on their diesel slides in contempt. While brawn is a main part, the greatest power of this member of the team is communication. Bears are most easily relateable to our heterosexual counterparts and thus make them the easiest to talk to (when it's not MAL and they're wearing a$$less leather chaps and carry a riding crop). Plus, Bears speak lesbian better than any other member on the squad.

The power of the Diva: This is probably the brains behind most of the operation. The Diva does not use physical might to destroy his foes, he uses slow, calculating, psychological destruction through subtle observations of "oh, maybe orange isn't really your color" or.... "you live where? oh... I guess that's ok." Tangling with this superhero will leave you socially destroyed as well as more insecure than you've ever been. This superhero is rarely seen without a cocktail and is the most socially connected. The Diva is usually the most cultured and has a wide base of knoweledge of varying cultural subjects. When choosing a wine to accompany a dinner or knowing which fork to eat your salad with, the Diva is the one to turn to.

The power of the Lesbian: While the Bear might seem to be the brawn of the operation, the true manpower comes from our sisters to the north, the lesbians. These fine ladies can come in with their pickup trucks and build that extension on your house in a good 2 hour time span and then still talk about the latest Sarah McLachlan/Lilith fair tour over a nice cheese and wine spread. Communication is sometimes stilted between the Lesbian and th Twink and the Diva, and the lesbians most often communicate through the Bear. Plus, I don't know about y'all but the Lesbian is the last person I want to run into in a dark alley.... they could totally kick some major a$$.

The Power of the Aber-snobs:
While the Bear is the most relateable to the Ro community. The Abersnob is the groups corporate face. Hair always done, pecs always toned and with a "please photograph me" smile. Whenever we have a need to have represenation we call on the Aber-snob. Beyond smiling and having 30 second sound-bytes however, the Aber-snob is pretty much useless.

When combined together, the power of these superheros calls forth the gayest superhero of them all.... The drag queen, able to kick your ass and then reapply eye-shadow. Obvy.

PS- I heart Congress this morning....Blaming the Gays for all of societies ills is one thing, but making your point in a families and a nations time of mourning is horrible... I hope your god can forgive you, because I sure as hell can't.

Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Feh.... This is so not 1950

So the following conversation that may or may not have happened last night made me think about my general apathy toward my joining a relationship anytime in the near future (that is of course with the exception of my fake, pseudo, and straight boyfriends and you all know who you are) between my mother and myself who has deemed her wine of the month (WOTM) to be this selection.

Mom: So.... not getting any younger huh?

Me: ummm I guess not.

Mom: Thinking about settling down?

Me: *looks around* with who?

Mom: What about that nice lawyer you were dating?

Me: Ummm in November? *thinks to self*(Whom I now use his first name to describe all things awkward)

Mom: Yeah, I'm sure he could have provided well for you?

Me: Are you serious?

Mom: Maybe you should think about it, settling down with a nice man with a good job who can be a good provider, have a family, I'd like grandchildren at some point in the not too distant future.

Me: Mom, it's not 1950!

*It's at this point that I suffer a small stroke and have to walk to the kitchen and pour myself a vodka tonic which ends up being vodka + rocks*

It's a little unnerving to say the least that my parents are so PC with the whole gay thing that they're assuming that I should marry well and provide a rainbow coalition face for the next generation of our family and that my sister will be the one with the "successful career." Let's see her live without her family in 3 different countries, join the circus, and be published in a scientific journal all before the age of 21....... b*tch. (PS my parents are ok with the gay thing but if I brought home a man that was in any way more "ethnic" than I am they'd have a fit... tres strange non?)

I'm not necessarily opposed to settling down and if that came along great. But as I tried to explain to my mother, I was not about to go trolling for men who could be "good providers" for me at the bar at the Ritz. PS totally went to an event there with one of my ex's and some older wealthy gentleman totally tried to pick me up. it was funny.

So my current reign as Dale the virgin Monarch shall remain unscathed.. and no, drunken kissing does not count for those nay-sayers that may or may not have seen me out recently.
I'm not ruling out the possibility of meeting a gentleman that knocks me off my feet, but I'm also not willing to settle. I mean what would everyone say if I just settled for any old shmo?

PS - if last summer has taught me anything, if you want to cuddle while laying on the beach then you should just keep on walking, I'm not trying to tempt fate twice with an awkward arm shaped tan line across my back.

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Ok here's the plan

Since our so called "elected officials" sit around with their thumbs up their butts trying to make DC a better place for you and me and getting nothing done but pissing off congress who in a million years will never give us representation in the legislative branch, I have come up with a couple of plans for our fair metropolis, and since I reign on high (top of 18th st.) my edicts shall flow forth like Yellowtail Shiraz and be taken as law.

Edict The First: Tourists shall not be allowed to meander in the neighborhoods of Adams Morgan, Dupont circle east of Conn Ave., Logan Circle, Kalorama, without being subject to a tax. This tax may be lifted for guests of residents of the aforementioned areas, but there will be a number limit which may be negotiated in the event of parties and/or other assorted celebrations, but only ones that our royal person is invited to. Obvy. If anyone is confused I have included a helpful map that outlines the No No area for tourists.

Edict The Second: Those that are not DC residents shall have their cars booted if left overnight at ANY location in the District. I would like to be able to come home late from an evening somewhere where I'd rather drive than walk and see my street populated with cars from Maryland or worse.... Virginia.. This applies to weekends and federal holidays, I don't care if you think you're so cool because you drove in from suburban hell to congratulate yourself on partying it up in AdMo. You will get booted, and I will laugh.

Edict The Third: DC shall play a game called, if you can find a liquor store with cheaper prices than ours we will match it!! I come to this conclusion after finding out that Montgomery County liquor stores has my favorite vino for at least 2 dollars cheaper than it is in the district. Times is rough and friends are few, those 2 dollars is important!!! The same goes for Tobacco Products.

Edict The Fourth: DC shall not tear down Whitehurst Freeway, as it is both convenient and glorious in my commute home in the evening. I am declaring it under my royal protectorate so back the eff off.

Edict The Fifth: All roads coming into DC and going out of DC shall be subject to toll's of non-dc residents. You eff up our streets, you use our resources, it's time you started giving back especially when you bogart all the parking, make the lines at Starbucks entirely too long for my liking in the morning, and make my commute less than light speed. So use the metro, take a bus, but get off my roads.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Ummm I'm sorry what?

Friday night was the night of "Ummmm I'm sorry what?"

Sitting outside of my friends house enjoying the evening air when a homeless man walks past, stops, turns and the following conversation ensues:

Homeless Man (HM): Excuse me, are you Asiatique?
Dale: Ummm I'm half Japanese half German, is that the same?
HM: I was stationed in Japan once, I was in the Marines
Dale: Ummm that's nice
HM: By the way.... are you gay?
Dale: Ummm yes?
HM: You look like a nice person
Dale: Thank you
HM: I was wondering..... would you like to S*ck my D*ck?
Dale: Ummm I'm sorry what?
HM: You just seem like a nice person
Dale: I'm sorry were done here, I have to go inside.
HM: Oh ok, hey, before you go do you know where I can meet any Asiatique or Puerto Rican guys?
Dale: *turns and goes inside, slamming door*

Fast forward 4 hours, Chip has done a shot that makes his face look like something unholy and against jesus, I get proposed to at Remmingtons, and we do the shimmy shimmy shake over to Cobalt, the scene is busted and I'm walking/stumbling home to Jumanji..... Who do I see??? Homeless Man.... who asks me yet again if I would like to felate him.

What I should've said: I'm sorry, I've been at Remmingtons and Cobalt all night where I was in the company of PLENTY of men that didn't smell like garbage who probably would be more than happy if I were to "socialize" with them in the manner that you so eloquently outlined earlier in the evening. Not only do I not want to be physical with you, your blatant racial profiling and odiferous odor are detractors to your overall package, not to mention the whole "derelicte" look is SO 1998.

What I actually said: EWWWWWWW and ran to Amsterdam falafel where I drowned my problems in chickpea related goodness......

The rest of the weekend is a blur of retail fabulousness, Birthday celebrations, and random craziness.....

PS, mother nature, stop being an icy b*tch and warm the eff up. I'm delicate like an orchid and cold as all get out.

Friday, May 19, 2006

Friday.... phew!

1). I found myself last night watching the final episode of Will and Grace at JR's with a vodka tonic in my hand. At one point I stopped myself and I thought, "I couldn't be any gayer if I had disco balls hanging from my nipples and glitter coming out of my butt." At which point a commercial break saw the playing of A-Ha's "Take on me" and when we were singing along I realized, no, wait, I've officially out-gayed myself. P.S. having this lady get waaaasted is so funny as to anything I would say to her she would reply, "the bills don't pay themselves, they sure don't."


Me: Hey lady where's everybody else?

Klassy Lady : The bills don't pay themselves, they sure don't.

So wise.... so wise..

2). Remember the time I along with Senor Chip helped a drunken guy home from a party on saturday? Remember the time that we then subsequently saw him in a more sober state on wednesday night post kickball and he totally didn't remember us helping him home? Remember the time that he did a repeat of Saturday night and ended up passed out in an alley in AdMo post kickball drinking? Yeah.... I do.

3). I have an entirely new workout regimen that's totally the new hotness. It's called the walk down 18th St. from Jumanji which obviously sits on high, to the gayborhood to the bars, and then back. PS I love turning up a hot jam and doing runway past Lauriol, specially when it's busy, unless I happen to trip on the sidewalk and almost bite it. twice. in a row.

4). The entire mop of hair I had atop my head is now a thing of the past. I traded that look in for the euro faux-hawk because I'm obviously A) Euro and B) Punk. PS having a hair prep time of 3 minutes instead of 15-20 is an amazing thing.

5). Many fabulous people were born on this day, May 19. They include Ho Chi Minh, Grace Jones, and Malcolm X. (also someone else has a birthday today, if you think you know and you see him out buy him a drink, or two. And buy me one too.... kthx)

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Ahhh those were the days.

As Pride comes round once more, plans are being made, parties organized, outfits being bought (if you b*tches think I don't have two new and unseen outfits courtesy of the snotty retail location then you've done one too many body shots).

However Pride is also the anniversary of two other milestones.

1).My parents 30th anniversary, shocking that they were married on Gay pride AND after their wedding/reception unknowingly went to a gay bar in DC in 1976
(FOR THEIR ANNIVERSARY btw I organized a sit down brunch for 25-30 at a DC establishment complete with 4 course meal, wine selection, flowers and a wedding cake that I designed.... that's right... stand back in awe.)

2). My first venture to a gay club... and not just any gay club... THE gay club.

After I came out in the early spring of Junior year of HS (1999), I was a wide eyed 17 year old that couldn't wait to explore all the fabulousness that the gay world had to offer. So I enlisted a lady friend to join me in going to this club that I had heard about in the sketchiest part of DC.

I spent hours upon HOURS getting ready and picking out an ensemble. What did I decide to wear?? Oh that's right Black pleather pants and a black AX sleeveless t-shirt, boy am I Klassy. Upon retrospect I must've looked like the biggest re-re in life.

So after getting lost in SE, and having to ask not one, but two police officers the location of the club, and using my fake ID I bought in Gtown, we got out and went inside and my eyes got HUGE, men everywhere, dancing together, kissing.... something I'd only seen on the internet up until that point.

Now as I've said before, if you look doe eyed and bewildered the vultures will descend upon you like lions at a kill and I was no exception. Within 5 minutes of being there I had one very icky gentleman blow kisses at me and another try to grab me in my no no area. I being the demure and circumflecting soul that I am I do the only obvious choice.

I got up on the platform outside and started dancing.

After about 15 minutes of that I was feeling great, and then the most muscle bound man at the club who was shirtless (shocking) and wearing army fatigue pants (double shocking) got up on the platform with me. Methinks he had a touch of the yellow fever. Anyways so were dancing and he's telling me how he likes my eyes blah blah blah, and then he steps back. I think he's going to get off the platform......

I was wrong.

The man then drops to his knees, lifts up the heinous sleeveless T-shirt and starts doing things to my navel that I can only assume straight men and lesbians do to women in their no no spots. Not turned on AT ALL I just stopped dancing. So there I am in the middle of the outdoor patio, with a wannabe army guy making out with my belly button. Sweet.

He eventually stopped, and bought me a drink (I chose water because I was 17 and goody goody) he asked me to go back to his hotel room as he was just in town on business.... aren't they all ladies... I informed him that I was with my friend and she had no other way to get home and this probably would not be an amenable situation. What did the man say.......

"well she can watch if she wants"

OH NO MAAM, I at that moment turned into Ms. Julia Sugarbaker and my lips got tight, I stood up in all my regal glory, turned on my leatherbound heel and got my friend and left.

After all I am a lady...

Although he was really hot. I mean really really hot.

It's really ok... I was hooking up with the captain of the football team.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Remember the time.....

Remember the time that I was in the elevator after a long day at work where I had to deal with Satan and all of his minions as well as covering up the fact that I'm actively looking for a new job and I felt something in my nose so thinking that I am going to be alone I pick it and at that moment a REALLLLY HOT guy who's coming in from a baseball game (mit) puts his arm in the door and totally snipes me picking my nose?? yeah awesome.

Remember the time that on Saturday night after aiding the transportation of a drunken individual from a party to his house, I was at I was about 6 blocks from my condo and proceeded to walk in a completely not right direction because I was highly buzzed and it was dark, ending up on the opposite side of 16th st. and having to go to a 7-11 and call a cab to bring me home??? super sweet.

Remember the time that I was working at super snobby retail location and someone had brought in hershey kisses that were all over the staff office, and one was on the only chair and I sat on it and it was melty, and I didn't realize that until after the store closed and one of my co-workers pointed it out to me??? greeeeeaaaaat.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006


It's tuesday.... I'm bored.... and asian.... therefore..... I haiku.

Friday is too far
I need a vaca like whoah
Call in sick perhaps

Still haven't moved in
need to buy furniture soon
Ikea is god

No socks with sandals
Teva's are so '95
Please update footwear

My job can shove it
I will rain vengeance on all
or just work half a$$ed

Summer is so close
I hear Rehomo Calling
Squarecuts are heinous

Monday, May 15, 2006

Weekend Roundup, Sometimes spackle just aint enough

Sometimes when you go through the same sh*t over and over and over again, you get used to the old wounds re-opening and new ways to convince yourself that everything is going to get better soon, just because you can't imagine things getting that much worse. Sometimes you find ways to deal with it that makes people that care about you worry, and then sometimes you just stop talking about it alltogether because if you don't talk about it then it's not a problem and you don't want anyone to worry about you. Sometimes you know reliving the pain doesn't make it better, and that it tempers more parts of your life than you'd like to admit.

Sometimes you can't put the same spackle on the holes because the cracks are more and more evident to everyone else. Sometimes you need to own the cracks. Sometimes you can't do everything by yourself, and sometimes you need someone to sit you down and tell you that doing it by yourself isn't working.

Sometimes a greater strength is being able to admit your weaknesses and to be able to ask for help.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Friday Five.... woo to the hoo


1). Last night was like the second coming outside. Good thing myself and two friends weren't moving a couch from the G-spot to their place and were using a pickup truck. Oh wait we were. The type of rain last night reminded me of Karate Kid II at the end when the hurricane came to Okinawa and everyone was running around in kimonos. Almost made me want to run frantically around the block in mine, instead I got chinese and fell asleep on my friends couch watching Top Chef. (PS I hate Tiffani, want to have a million of Harolds babies, and want to go party with Candice)

2). I need to hire whomever is the personal trainer for X-men 3. If they can turn this guy into
this body that's proof positive in my book. Plus it's almost swimsuit season and I don't plan on covering up.

3). Apparently the bouncer at Millie and Al's knows me and a couple of my friends so well that we are no longer required to show ID's and are ushered in like the D-listers we are. My dreams are coming true people. (Not that I'm familiar with bartenders/bouncers/barback/dj's at numerous bars across DC and some in Delaware (Rehomo)) oh wait, who's friend from summer camp's parents were the owners of the now defunct Renegade? yeah that'd be me......

4). My love for hoodies knows no bounds (I have over 10) not only are they comfortable and gloriously soft, they come complete with a pocket in front a la kangaroo fame that can hold items such as, bottles of wine, six packs of beer, 40's (that's right, more than one) as well as other items one may need while wearing said hoodie.

5). I'm pretty sure I have no soul. At the Sandanista safeway the other day I was standing in front of the entrance trying to activate the door thingy so that the door would swing open, it didn't. about 10 seconds later while I'm looking ridiculously confused a child of 12 walks by and in front of me and the door automatically swings open. If those things aren't soul detectors I'm not sure what was going on.

Thursday, May 11, 2006

Mothers Day..... on the real... plus Update

So with the upcoming event of Mothers Day I would like to share some little personal anecdotes about mine. First and foremost all y'all should know about my mother.... be afraid.... be very afraid.... I'm afraid, my dad's afraid, and my sister is afraid... she keeps syringes in her bedside table and it was not uncommon in my house growing up to having entire cabinets dedicated solely to the drug samples she would bring home. I mean the woman cut herself with a scalpel on purpose to test a new type of stitches she had just purchased as well as has had her hands on the genitals of most of my friends growing up.....and people wonder why I'm so crazy. (Ps she's a doctor so don't get any ideas)

Now she may be a crazy crazy woman often times pushing me to the point that I just want to sit her down and say... mummykins... you know you've got a screw loose right.... but she's also crazy loyal and I have to keep repeating to myself "mummykins means well, mummykins means well"

Examples may or may not include....

I had an ulcer in college. That ulcer got infected. I didn't know it. One day I woke up and all my abdominal muscles had seized and I couldn't get up or burp or anything and I was in blinding pain. Had to call the ambulance to take me 3 blocks to the nearest hospital. I'm laying in the ER and I totally sneaked the cellie in and called mummykins in tears because I had been there for an hour and nothing had been happening. What did mummykins do? she went into super turbo gear and called the health center at the school to have my medical records release, unfortunately I hadn't signed the release so the health center said no. My mom proceeded to yell at this woman until she was crying and released my records..... 10 minutes later I had a massive muscle relaxant in me and I was sitting pretty...mmmmmmmmm.

My mom was asked by NPR to be interviewed on child health last year. Sweet deal right? suuuuuuure. So they start asking her about children's health and common childhood maladies. Like lice. What does my mom do? Proceeds to tell the ENTIRE NATION, how, one year on Mothers Day at the Russian Tea room when I was 8 I put my head on her shoulder because I didn't feel well and my entire head was crawling in lice. Sweet mom, cuz I don't have enough trouble finding dates.

When my parents for the first time met one of my bf's, we all went to one of their favorite restaurants in DC, wine was poured, I thought everything was going well even though I was gripping onto my then bf's hand like whoah. He got up to go to the bathroom and my mom leaned over and said..... you know (ex bf) isn't too bright is he?? Turns out she was right ha ha ha.

I love my mom but b*tch is crazy.

UPDATE: I'm officially a D-list celebrity as I've been paparazzi'd in DC Style magazine. Go pick up a copy and be jealous that you don't look like a retarded chimp in a second rate dc rag.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

D- List.... it's destiny people.... destiny

Quick Cinco Recap: Played a game called how much booze can Dale put into his body before functionality reaches an all time low and Dale doesn't remember things... apparently the bar is set pretty high. 11:30am Lauriol plaza for half pitchers 3:00pm rooftop of Chips place for wine 5:00 pm went to the Dirty Vag for a block party where I may or may not have snarfed sex on the beach off an ice luge.... never again will I put my mouth on one of those 11:30 pm JR's where I played a game called the leaning tower of Dale.... I hate that game.. 2:00 am sitting on the floor of my condo eating chicken nuggets and fries alone.... obvy.

Now let me take a moment to say that I cannot thank Chip and these wonderful ladies enough for helping me move furniture from the G-spot to Jumanji/7th Heaven/The Aquarium/Atlantis West. Also thanks to this lady who showed up later. Without blogging (except for Chip) I may not have ever met these fantastic gentleman and then on Sat. I would have been effed like a beauty queen at a prison rodeo.

Ok, so last night I'm watching Ms. Kathy Griffin as I'm want to do because I'm totally a D-list celeb stalker, I'm watching and I'm watching, and all of a sudden my jaw hits the floor and my eyes get big like a kid in those velvet paintings..... she did a 20 minute bit involving a guy that I've been on several pseudo dates with before and apparently am still on the evite list for his annual parties, my D-list star is rising people. All I need to do now is have a photograph with the original cast of Beverly Hills 90210 and I'm set.

PS- this is the second time I've gotten sniped on TV involving someone I used to "date." One such gentleman that I "dated" is now apparently a correspondent for Logo, and one morning while eating cereal I was suprised by his face at 10am on a saturday.... now his face wasn't all that great at 8am on a friday and with the makeup he was wearing for tv.... not that much better.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Who needs Kathy??

Ok so I'm a sucker for D-list celebrities having run across a few in my time... however I'm also equipped with the social graces of a retarded orangutan on lsd so combine the two and you have a healthy combination.... healthy= embarassing.

A couple months ago I met Mr. Christian Campbell of Trick and Neve Campbell fame, and not only did I have a hands fluttering, ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod moment, I had a straight guy who was with me (whom I call thor thunder god for reasons that I won't get into right now but at one point last summer I was sitting on his lap after giving him a lap dance and broke the chair he was sitting on in the process... don't judge me) take a picture of the two of us with my camera phone and then sent said picture which was horrible quality and dark to all my friends. PS CC is totally cute.

Last night after a rousing victory on the kickball field which I can only say should be solely attributed to my cheerleading skills (my actual kickball skills consisted of me fouling out and calling the other team ugly) we were at ye olde watering hole in my neighborhood where apparently another D-list celebrity from the food network was going to be hanging out. Chip was superficially acquainted with this gentleman from when he was a wee lad and went up and was talking to him.... ps that guy totally wanted to have a zillion of Chips babies.... so obviously, not to miss a chance to meet a D-lister... pps my ranking of food network celebs goes Paula, Michael, Giada, and Naked Chef... I hate Rachel Ray with the burning fire of a thousand suns. I went up and was "talking" to him. Talking = staring at the fact that this guy was wicked hot and offering him ciggarettes... which he took.... which means he is in love with me, obviously.

Some people aspire to be great world leaders... I aspire to marry a d-list celebrity and have a table perpetually reserved at the Olive Garden... whatever, I'm being realistic.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Potty Talk

Ok... maybe I just got off the short bus or maybe I operate under some arcane rules of conduct or whatever but I always thought that there were infallible rules for bathroom protocol. Apparently I was mistaken. I would like to announce my campaign to put a sign in each and every bathroom that is facilitated by men, so in the case of cobalt, sadlands, and nation the girls room too.
Anyways, rules include:

1). If there are three bathroom stalls open, do not choose the middle one. Nobody wants to sit next to you while you drop the kids off at the pool. I need a buffer zone of at least one stall, kthx.

2). Do not make noises of relief or of frustruation, I don't need a running commentary on your experience de bano.

3). DO NOT try and converse with me at the urinal or in the stall, that is a time when I need to be all zen with myself... a time for quiet reflection if you will. Speaking while washing hands is perfectly acceptable but ONLY at the sink.

4). If you are klassy enough to hook up in a bathroom, do not choose the middle stall, again refer to number one but honestly.... go somewhere else.

5). If you have eaten mexican, indian, or any food that would make your experience in the bathroom extremely unpleasant for anyone else using it, please go to a bathroom on a floor where you don't know anyone, I have given more than one dirty look to a gentleman in the hallways when I knew he was responsible for making me want to vomit from walking into the bathroom.

6). Always wash your hands, I don't care if you were "just peeing" or whatever. Your hands were on your naughty area and need to be cleaned. deal with it.

I think these signs would help everyone.... or at least make my life a little more pleasant.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Clear like a diamond encrusted B*tch slap

I lack a certain personality trait.

I lack the ability to pretend to like someone when all I want to do is to destroy them and make them cry tears of pain and suffering. Be that someone a peer, a superior, in my social, or my professional life.... I lack the ability to put on a sh*t eating grin, smile and say, "oh of course (insert dumba$$ name here) that's a great idea!! I value and appreciate your opinion/input on (insert issue that I either disagree strongly with you on or couldn't care less about).

While I was living in London I had four roomates, in a two bedroom apartment. Needless to say things got cozy from time to time. Anyways three of these were girls, girls whose lives revolved around shopping, bars, and boys, on paper we should have been best friends but time and time again I realized that there are inherent differences between girls and boys that extend beyond different genitalia, and I had MUCH more in common with my rugby playing, no shower taking, laundry every other week doing roomate (we shared one of the bedrooms, I call him boo boo, sometimes we spooned, it was great)

Anyways one evening the straw finally broke the effing camels back. The three harpies were in the kitchen trash talking rando's in the same program we were doing, which I didn't really care about b.cuz a lot of what they were saying was right. However, then they got on this one girl for not knowing what Louis Vuitton was or something along those lines. Normally this isn't something I care too much about but this girl is honestly the nicest person in life, I once told her jokingly I could hear her blow dryer in the morning and I didn't have to set my alarm anymore...... she stopped using the blowdryer in the morning for 6 months. After telling them that even though Nice Girl didn't know about the joys of Louis V it wasn't like any of their broke selves could afford it so really what was the diff? They didn't like that.

They had to be destroyed.

So.... in true Dale fashion I do what I always do... psychological destruction, the effects are much more observable and longer lasting than physical harm.... hmmmm let's see, what do spoiled college girls have the biggest issues about..... grades? no..... clothes? maybe..... body image issues?? DING DING DING DING!!

That heralded the start of my, sitting in the living room always shirtless eating nutella straight out of the jar and chasing it with a Guiness exclaiming how fat I felt and I hope the Pilates for Ballet dancers class I was taking would be suitable to get rid of all the nastiness I was putting into my body. For those of you that have had the good fortune to see me you know that I make Kate Moss look like Sally Struthers, my nickname on the swim team in college was "the turtle" because everyone said I looked like a turtle sans shell.

*Did it work?* let me just say that after about two weeks of that the only thing left in their fridge was grapes and bottled water

we had a boys fridge that was always full of (insert boy food in the form of beer, random condiments, and leftover pasta+sauce+chicken, and brocolli)

If someone can help me suffer fools gladly I'm sure people would like me better.... but then again... I'm over it.

Monday, May 01, 2006

See what had happened was......

Still reeling from a week that would make Satan want to slit his wrists and being basically bent over and dominated by the corporate machine that is bureaucratic bs I was looking forward to re-centering and going all zen this weekend. Hey remember the time when that happened? yeah me either.

So Friday night after a lovely dinner at the best Chinese place in DC (City lights duh). I had thoughts of moseying on to a little bit of a drinky poo at JR's. Fast forward three hours later and I'm standing in front of the McDonalds on 18th St. with a tie in my hand that's not mine and a very confused look on my face. Not only am I klassy with a k but I was effing hungry.... supersize quarter pounder meal? yes sir.

Saturday I got up and made a very innocent "what are you guys doing for brunch?" call to two of my friends whom also live less than a five minute walk away. Turns out that one of their bf's was having friends in town for a weekend of meathead debauchery, I love meatheads so obviously I joined them forthwith and call in sick to SRL. Fast forward two hours later and I'm at Camelot having deep and meaningful conversations with all the strippers and becoming the new favorite of the waitress who was wearing very unfortunate lingerie and was old enough to be my mother.

The rest of the evening (6-8:30) was spent drinking with friends on my rooftop deck when I announced that I was tired and would be retiring and passed out in my bed (still the only furniture in my apt. cuz I'm lazy). I woke up from my 'hibernation' twice, once to respond to this lady that I couldn't meet him out for drinks, and once to amble on over to amsterdam falafel for some chickpea goodness....mmmm.

Sunday I actually did make it into SRL and did what I always do, try on clothes and stand around, pretending to actually be a productive person. Saw a black Am-Ex, pretended to not be impressed. Saw more ice than antarctica, pretended not to be impressed.
Went home, had dinner with this lady at Amsterdam falafel (ps I'm totally putting somebody's kid through college at that place) and called it an early night...... ahh weekends.