Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Ok here's the plan

Since our so called "elected officials" sit around with their thumbs up their butts trying to make DC a better place for you and me and getting nothing done but pissing off congress who in a million years will never give us representation in the legislative branch, I have come up with a couple of plans for our fair metropolis, and since I reign on high (top of 18th st.) my edicts shall flow forth like Yellowtail Shiraz and be taken as law.

Edict The First: Tourists shall not be allowed to meander in the neighborhoods of Adams Morgan, Dupont circle east of Conn Ave., Logan Circle, Kalorama, without being subject to a tax. This tax may be lifted for guests of residents of the aforementioned areas, but there will be a number limit which may be negotiated in the event of parties and/or other assorted celebrations, but only ones that our royal person is invited to. Obvy. If anyone is confused I have included a helpful map that outlines the No No area for tourists.

Edict The Second: Those that are not DC residents shall have their cars booted if left overnight at ANY location in the District. I would like to be able to come home late from an evening somewhere where I'd rather drive than walk and see my street populated with cars from Maryland or worse.... Virginia.. This applies to weekends and federal holidays, I don't care if you think you're so cool because you drove in from suburban hell to congratulate yourself on partying it up in AdMo. You will get booted, and I will laugh.

Edict The Third: DC shall play a game called, if you can find a liquor store with cheaper prices than ours we will match it!! I come to this conclusion after finding out that Montgomery County liquor stores has my favorite vino for at least 2 dollars cheaper than it is in the district. Times is rough and friends are few, those 2 dollars is important!!! The same goes for Tobacco Products.

Edict The Fourth: DC shall not tear down Whitehurst Freeway, as it is both convenient and glorious in my commute home in the evening. I am declaring it under my royal protectorate so back the eff off.

Edict The Fifth: All roads coming into DC and going out of DC shall be subject to toll's of non-dc residents. You eff up our streets, you use our resources, it's time you started giving back especially when you bogart all the parking, make the lines at Starbucks entirely too long for my liking in the morning, and make my commute less than light speed. So use the metro, take a bus, but get off my roads.

12 comments:

Polt said...

So if tourists come in by way of the Metro (as those of us in South Central PA do) we wont have to worry about the tolls and cars towed, but will we still be exempt from DuPont? Can you give us an exemption for the Pride parade and such? thank you for your time, Your Majesty. (he says, bowing deeply at the waist)

Dale said...

During Pride the ban is definitely lifted, but only for Mo's, Ro's looking to see a gay spectacle shall be directed to go to the fireplace, wherein hopefully they will never venture to the gayborhood again.

Scott said...

Half of your edicts are the reason that I gave up my car two years ago. Alas I failed in the fight against the evils that would dare enter the last colony on earth. I'll definitly stand behind you and offer the loyal service of my blade. Speaking of which, maybe we should just start a tire slashing campaign...

Carrie Broadshoulders said...

Oh and if you sideswipe my fucking car and tear it all to pieces trying to get onto 395 south to make your way back to the suburbs and DON'T leave a note, our CSI team will find you and you will be drawn and quartered in the middle of Chinatown.

Needless to say, when its fixed, its getting sold. I can't deal with the drama of having a car in this city anymore.

Another rule should be that if you are going to the fucking zoo with your 18 kids, do so between the hours of 10am and 2pm. If I catch you taking up the entire escalator at 6:30pm with your 18 kids, I am legally within my right to shove your ass down the escalator.

Dale said...

Carrie: Seeing as how the zoo escalator is MY escalator I am in full agreement. I refuse at this moment in time to give in. I will be cruising around DC in my luxurious automobile forever!!!!

Alan said...

The way I see it is...

I don't cross 'the Big Water' and go into their effin state - Old Town or not - and I don't like it when they take over our stomping grounds.

Thanks God you're around to bring some sense to the District.

Question - Do I curtsy or bow in your presence?

Anonymous said...

Who elected you Shogun?

Dale said...

Swede: I hate it when the Suburbanites from the Vag invade DC... hate hate hate.

Bowing and the kissing of my bejewelled hand has been standard protocol ha ha ha ha.

Anonymous: One is not elected to be in such an elevated position, one is anointed... duh.

Carrie Broadshoulders said...

Actually the Woodley Park escalator is MY escalator as well. At least for work and well that's the only time I use the metro. Those baby carriages are the worst. I can't wait for them to fix that freaking elevator so those lazy fat asses from Manassas can use that.

Polt said...

I didn't think you'd be elected or anointed to the position, aren't you just BORN to it?

Dale said...

polt... I use the term anointed in the same way, although reigning monarchs are not usually born reigning, they are born of lesser status(Princess Elizabeth) and then become god-anointed monarchs (Queen Elizabeth II).

Anonymous said...

I noticed that your map of the no-tourist area forms a nonequilateral hexagon. Can this be renamed the "Sexagon"?