Since our so called "elected officials" sit around with their thumbs up their butts trying to make DC a better place for you and me and getting nothing done but pissing off congress who in a million years will never give us representation in the legislative branch, I have come up with a couple of plans for our fair metropolis, and since I reign on high (top of 18th st.) my edicts shall flow forth like Yellowtail Shiraz and be taken as law.
Edict The First: Tourists shall not be allowed to meander in the neighborhoods of Adams Morgan, Dupont circle east of Conn Ave., Logan Circle, Kalorama, without being subject to a tax. This tax may be lifted for guests of residents of the aforementioned areas, but there will be a number limit which may be negotiated in the event of parties and/or other assorted celebrations, but only ones that our royal person is invited to. Obvy. If anyone is confused I have included a helpful map that outlines the No No area for tourists.
Edict The Second: Those that are not DC residents shall have their cars booted if left overnight at ANY location in the District. I would like to be able to come home late from an evening somewhere where I'd rather drive than walk and see my street populated with cars from Maryland or worse.... Virginia.. This applies to weekends and federal holidays, I don't care if you think you're so cool because you drove in from suburban hell to congratulate yourself on partying it up in AdMo. You will get booted, and I will laugh.
Edict The Third: DC shall play a game called, if you can find a liquor store with cheaper prices than ours we will match it!! I come to this conclusion after finding out that Montgomery County liquor stores has my favorite vino for at least 2 dollars cheaper than it is in the district. Times is rough and friends are few, those 2 dollars is important!!! The same goes for Tobacco Products.
Edict The Fourth: DC shall not tear down Whitehurst Freeway, as it is both convenient and glorious in my commute home in the evening. I am declaring it under my royal protectorate so back the eff off.
Edict The Fifth: All roads coming into DC and going out of DC shall be subject to toll's of non-dc residents. You eff up our streets, you use our resources, it's time you started giving back especially when you bogart all the parking, make the lines at Starbucks entirely too long for my liking in the morning, and make my commute less than light speed. So use the metro, take a bus, but get off my roads.