Thursday, May 25, 2006

We must be more powerful than I thought

It makes me very confused as to how many crazy fundamentalist christian groups can blame things like 9/11, the war in Iraq, terrorism, and yes, even hurricane Katrina on the fact that the United States tolerates homosexuals. Apparently there was some sort of super power day that happened and I guess I slept in or something because as far as I am aware I don't have any super powers that don't involve my being able to intake enough vodka to kill a small elephant and still be able to keep my tiara from falling off. That being said I would like to announce the formation of the Gay version of Captain planet and the planeteers.... making the world a gayer place for you, me, and every fundamentalist, bible thumping, using jesus as an excuse for your hate person out there.

The power of the twink: Now this power is mainly centered on glitter, the ability to go for days without sleep or food and still look dew-y and fresh. The superhuman ability to have an encyclopedic knoweledge of every fashion magazine known to man and the ability to say "I'd like a french manicure please" while wearing clothes meant for teenage girls and still keep a straight face. This superhero's downfall however is bringing up a topic of anything substantive, if you try and discuss current events the twink will recoil in horror.... and in a blast of glitter, will be gone!! The powers of confusion are strong in this one as the twink cannot focus on anything for more than 30 seconds without having a "sparkly object" moment.

The power of the Bear
: This would be the brawns of the operation, this super hero is not afraid, and is often drawn to, activities that would make some of the other parts of this team raise a well plucked eyebrow and turn on their diesel slides in contempt. While brawn is a main part, the greatest power of this member of the team is communication. Bears are most easily relateable to our heterosexual counterparts and thus make them the easiest to talk to (when it's not MAL and they're wearing a$$less leather chaps and carry a riding crop). Plus, Bears speak lesbian better than any other member on the squad.

The power of the Diva: This is probably the brains behind most of the operation. The Diva does not use physical might to destroy his foes, he uses slow, calculating, psychological destruction through subtle observations of "oh, maybe orange isn't really your color" or.... "you live where? oh... I guess that's ok." Tangling with this superhero will leave you socially destroyed as well as more insecure than you've ever been. This superhero is rarely seen without a cocktail and is the most socially connected. The Diva is usually the most cultured and has a wide base of knoweledge of varying cultural subjects. When choosing a wine to accompany a dinner or knowing which fork to eat your salad with, the Diva is the one to turn to.

The power of the Lesbian: While the Bear might seem to be the brawn of the operation, the true manpower comes from our sisters to the north, the lesbians. These fine ladies can come in with their pickup trucks and build that extension on your house in a good 2 hour time span and then still talk about the latest Sarah McLachlan/Lilith fair tour over a nice cheese and wine spread. Communication is sometimes stilted between the Lesbian and th Twink and the Diva, and the lesbians most often communicate through the Bear. Plus, I don't know about y'all but the Lesbian is the last person I want to run into in a dark alley.... they could totally kick some major a$$.

The Power of the Aber-snobs:
While the Bear is the most relateable to the Ro community. The Abersnob is the groups corporate face. Hair always done, pecs always toned and with a "please photograph me" smile. Whenever we have a need to have represenation we call on the Aber-snob. Beyond smiling and having 30 second sound-bytes however, the Aber-snob is pretty much useless.

When combined together, the power of these superheros calls forth the gayest superhero of them all.... The drag queen, able to kick your ass and then reapply eye-shadow. Obvy.

PS- I heart Congress this morning....Blaming the Gays for all of societies ills is one thing, but making your point in a families and a nations time of mourning is horrible... I hope your god can forgive you, because I sure as hell can't.


Carrie Broadshoulders said...

I'm going to assume the law simply bans them from protesting within a certain distance or restricts where they can protest in regards to cemeteries. In general, I think they have the right to spout whatever hateful things they want to. I'm not about restricting their constitutional rights as much as allowing them to make total asses out of themselves, which in the long run I think does the gays some good. Who wants to identify with those freaks?

While poor taste should be legislated against in many ways, the right to act ignunt will be one I will always cherish.

Dop said...

Thanks for writing about this serious issue with your tyical comedic flare. Nice job.

Dale said...

Carrie: I agree that all should be allowed to voice their opinion (something that I've been known to abuse from time to time) however in a proper time and place.

Dop: no prob bob! hope you had fun in the bahamas!

copperred said...

You're too faboo hon'. Will you be handing these out on laminated cards at Pride, to facilitate inra-species dialogue?