Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Potty Talk

Ok... maybe I just got off the short bus or maybe I operate under some arcane rules of conduct or whatever but I always thought that there were infallible rules for bathroom protocol. Apparently I was mistaken. I would like to announce my campaign to put a sign in each and every bathroom that is facilitated by men, so in the case of cobalt, sadlands, and nation the girls room too.
Anyways, rules include:

1). If there are three bathroom stalls open, do not choose the middle one. Nobody wants to sit next to you while you drop the kids off at the pool. I need a buffer zone of at least one stall, kthx.

2). Do not make noises of relief or of frustruation, I don't need a running commentary on your experience de bano.

3). DO NOT try and converse with me at the urinal or in the stall, that is a time when I need to be all zen with myself... a time for quiet reflection if you will. Speaking while washing hands is perfectly acceptable but ONLY at the sink.

4). If you are klassy enough to hook up in a bathroom, do not choose the middle stall, again refer to number one but honestly.... go somewhere else.

5). If you have eaten mexican, indian, or any food that would make your experience in the bathroom extremely unpleasant for anyone else using it, please go to a bathroom on a floor where you don't know anyone, I have given more than one dirty look to a gentleman in the hallways when I knew he was responsible for making me want to vomit from walking into the bathroom.

6). Always wash your hands, I don't care if you were "just peeing" or whatever. Your hands were on your naughty area and need to be cleaned. deal with it.

I think these signs would help everyone.... or at least make my life a little more pleasant.


Taylor said...

Amen and hallelujah to all those. I HATE it when co-workers walk up next to me while I'm at the urinal and just strike up a conversation. I need to concentrate people. If I wanted to stand around and smell urine I would just hang out in the alley next to my house.

I also have to add that unless you are under some duress, try not do flatulate or make any defecation noises while others are in the bathroom. If you have to, try to time it so that the the flushing noises of other toilets muffle it.

Parker Livingston said...

don't forget the courtesy flush!

copperred said...

Gurrl, you need to move to Japan, where there is music to cover the sound of such noises and a wafting light breeze of flowery scent. ;-) Although I find myself in agreement with much of it. I do not suffer being spoken to while peeing, it's hard enough to get my functions in order. Crowded bar + full bladder + chatty Cathy = Misery

Speaking of murder, did Chip cross you on one of these rules, as his silence is worrying?

Dale said...

Taylor: totally!!

Parker: oh always darling... always

Copper: lived there, good toilets...vindictive people...

oh and Chip had to enter the witness protection program, after he saw me wearing a jean jacket/jeans combo.... I had to put out a hit on his life, you understand.

Polt said...

#2 had me laughing so hard I choked on my morning coffee.

What a wonderful way to start the day your blog is,Dale!:)

Oh, that girl. said...

All of these rules can also apply to women. Its awful when you see someone you have to work with day in and day out (i.e. pass papers, pens and other items to and fro) walk out of the stall and right out the door, without so much as a glance. Yucky! Also, our pooping is done on the 5th floor where none of our co-workers office are placed, and the only people on that floor are the people we sublet out to.

JP said...

One more chapter to "Dale's School of Etiquette and Charm for Wayward boys."

Homer said...

Toiletiquette- I wrote about this awhile ago. At my workplace we have one stall and a urinal and a very loud fan. When the fan is going the guys should know someone is in there. DON'T GO IN! Except for these three straight guys that come in and will talk to you when you are pooping. Yuck.