Monday, October 31, 2005

Happy Halloween!

Leading up to Halloween '05, one of my co-workers was talking about how excited she was for her costume and how much everyone would love it. Unfortunately, work got crazy and she was unable to wear it to the office. Over the past few weeks, she's returned with all of the hype. After a incredibly annoying and frustrated morning, I arrived at la oficina. I was determined not to be Debbie Downer, so I prepared myself to show enthusiasm and excitement over her costume.

She's sitting in her chair, wearing neat khakis, a tucked in pink button down (sans belt), brown shoes and glasses. Her long brown hair is pulled back. I think to myself, "Self, she looks kind of preppy / nerdy, but I really don't know what she's trying to pull off..."

Chip: "Happy Halloween!"
Co-Worker: Says nothing, waits for my reaction, smiling...
Chip: "uhh..." awkwardly, "What are you?"
Co-Worker: "I'm YOU!"
Chip: .................... "Oh, right..."
Co-Worker: "You wore your pink shirt on Halloween last year, so I was so mad I couldn't dress up! It would've been perfect!"
Chip: "Hahaha" fake laugh "Yeah, that would've been somethin'!"

There you have it, one of my co-workers dressed up as ME for Halloween. Uncomfortable to say the least. I'm a little flattered, I guess. Maybe I'm overreacting, but that was kind of weird.

Note: I have heard her talking of dressing up as some of her other friends for Halloween, so this is not an isolated occurrence.

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Weekend Roundup...... Halloween craziness

So I'm posting my weekend roundup a day earlier than usual due to the fact that I'll be sojourning into suburban MD to battle with the demons of the DMV..... damn demons.

Anyways friday night I spent doing last minute prep for my halloween costume and watching Crash which was a total mind F**k by the way. In a good way! plus Matt Dillon makes me a little weak in the knees. I'm not huge on Ryan Phillipe, I've never really gone for the classic pretty boy types. Plus I've got a thing for a guy that can look like he can pick me up and toss me over his shoulder!

Saturday morning, woke up around 8, made sure the living room to my palace was acceptable, read: that there were no large chunks of crap on the floor. Then I set up the vodka, the champers, broke out the entemans goodness and waited for my kickball team to arrive to begin the festivities, all the while watching the mary kate and ashley olsen halloween special, obvy. The kickball team arrived in full force. Unfortunately Chip was reffing a game prior to ours and couldn't make it. Apparently about 12 of us went through 5 bottles of champagne, a handle and a half of vodka (while the cranberry juice is suprisingly still mostly full) about 6 red bulls, and assorted other things we had lying around the house. We proceeded to the mall and the competition ensued.

Things that stand out about the 6 hour kickball tournament:

1). Winning and becoming the undisputed undefeated champions of DC Kickball!!!
2). Standing in front of a team mate when he got pantsed and getting a full frontal view of what this gentleman brings to the party..... not too shabby.... not too shabby at all.
3). Taking out about 5 people when they were crowding the baseline and I was trying to make it to home plate.... it's not my fault they were in the way.....or that I'd had enough to drink where running in a straight line wasn't exactly my strong suit.
4). Getting up to plate in a pair of red booty shorts and having Chip yell out.. "He's got more legs
than your entire team!!!"

After that I made my way back home and took a much needed disco nap.

After awakening and realizing that I had much to do I prepared myself for my halloween costume by making sure I would look absolutley fabulous. Now for those of you whom I haven't told I was tinkerbell for halloween.... I made my shorts from a pair of sweats that are marketed for 13 year old girls... and a green wife beater.... add a pair of wings and some body glitter and you've got me. Below is a picture of the shorts. The blow pop has been placed on the shorts so everyone can get an adequate appreciation for the "shortness"

I made my way over to Chips, we had some chinese food and proceeded to get ready for our night on the town. Along with Chip's fantastic roommate we headed over to a mutual friend that lives about 2 blocks away. During the trip over I succeeded in stopping traffic for the first time of the evening..... he he he. Got to the friends, had a cocktail and headed up to AdMo to meet two of our other friends at a party of a co-worker of theirs. Party was lots of fun, definitely had a really cute guy come up to me and ask if he could take his picture with me which I obviously agreed to, apparently he's straight but I'm thinking there may be a little bit of a lie in that statement. My friends costumes were amazing and included: Tonya Harding and Nancy Kerrigan, Richard Simmons complete with a shirt I provided that read J'adore Sex, A bumble bee and flower, Gold diggers, and Jessica Cutler/slutty intern.

After that Chip was tired and I was tired of the straight scene so we headed back to the gayborhood where I bid Chip goodnight and headed over to Cobalt expecting to see some familiar faces. Obviously it didn't dissapoint and I saw a couple friends and proceeded to do my diva strut right on over, the crowd obviously parting like the dead sea. We do the hello how are you routine and he chides me for not helping out at a fashion show he produced last week to benefit starving children or poor people or some disease, I'm not sure it really matters. He wanted me to help dress the models and honestly I've been on the other side of that coin and there's nothing more deprecating than having a skinny coked out clothes hanger of a woman looking disdainfully at you when you're trying to put clothes on her. I hope I wasn't too much of a bitch in my day......... I made up some excuse obviously about how "I had been swamped at work" (lie) and "have been dead tired" (lie). He said it was fine as long as I agreed to walk for him when he produces his next show which apparently includes a mens line. I said fine as long as it wasn't like the last one he wanted me to do, which would have included me in a sarong.....and that's it...... I'm sorry momma don't play like that.

I then sat down at my usual throne and surveyed the scene with my friend and his non-tourage and being unbelievably bored at their conversation I did what I normally do.... motion for a cute guy to come over and start a flirtatious conversation with him. I lost big time last night, it turns out the cute guy that came over was A) wasted, and B) boring. I sent him to the bar to get me a drink and had the obligatory conversation with him which included him asking where I lived... "oh I live in Dupont" (lie) and what time I was planning on leaving cobalt, "Oh I'll probably stay late" (lie), I think he probably got the idea or lost interest at staring at my scantily clad self and wandered off. I then said my goodbyes to my peeps and headed downstairs and out the door with the doorman stating on the way out.... "hope you stay warm tonight cutie" I'm sorry, skin crawl much? I then proceeded to stop traffic for the second time of the night, and caught a cab home to my oh so comfortable bed..... alone.

The word of the day sunday will be recovery..... and sushi as I'm travelling back out to MD to have dinner with crazy ass grandpa and great aunt and chill out with my parents for the evening.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Friday Five....or topics of conversation

So.... I thought I'd go with 5 conversations that have stood out over the past week to give you a little peek into my world......

1). This conversation was had with the nice gentleman at the liquor store when I was buying libations for the brunch that my kickball team is having pre-playoffs, btw we are obviously the coolest.....
Dale: Do you think that one handle of vodka and 2 bottles of champagne is enough?
Liquor store man: Well how many people is it for
Dale: about tenish....but were playing kickball
Liquor store man: hmmm well you can't go wrong with two, in fact were having a sale.
Dale: okie dokie
Liquor store man: That'll be more than enough, the chances of somebody getting up on a table will go up exponentially

2). Conversation I had with Cookie over text message as I was watching Monster and making Chips Halloween Costume
Cookie: I just laughed when I saw an entry in my phone of Dale hot asian
Dale: Nice! I like that title

3). This conversation tugs at my heart strings. This is a guy whom for various reasons things didn't work out between us. He currently is a farmer in Washington State who calls me every so often just to "check in." If things had worked out I probably wouldn't be spending so many nights alone now...... p.s. he always smells like clean laundry which for some reason always makes me smile.
Farmer: Just come out here and marry me, my sister is a caterer
Dale: Give me a ring
Farmer: I'll give you a diamond ring.
Dale: you always were a sweet talker
Farmer: come out here and not only will I give you a ring, I'll carry you off on a white horse.
Dale: "swoon"

The great part is, he's got the white horse so that isn't idle chat!!!

4). This conversation I had with my kid sister who is 19, earlier in the week, p.s. for those of you whom I've met imagine a little shorter female version of me and you've pretty much got her.
Sister: I'm going to be an angel for halloween
Dale: That's awesome, I was an angel for halloween my senior year!
Sister: White booty shorts and midriff top?
Dale: duh
Sister: body glitter, wings, and halo?
Dale: ummm DUH
Sister: wow....we ARE related.

5). Conversation I had with my new boss who, btw, is totally cool. Anyone who drops the EF bomb in front of me during a conference call is ok in my book.
Boss: my husband and I are gonna be devils at this halloween party were going to. I really don't want to wear the red tights.
Dale: Red tights aren't so bad, try wearing them while your 50 feet in the air, or getting tossed around by a bunch of people.
Boss: ummmm excuse me??
Dale: ohhhhhhhhh riiiiiiight....... yeah I used to be in the circus
Boss: that explains so much......... (insert awkward robot dance here)

I have made my offerings to the gods of halloween with gifts of candy and alcohol, may everyone's halloween be crazy, fun, and most of all "social"!!!!!!

p.s. I'm totally going High School style and wearing my kickball t-shirt to work, throw back to the days when the entire swim team would all wear our warm up pants and warm up jackets to school along with the requisite socks in our school colors..... YAY KICKBALL!!!!

Be Aggressive... B-E Aggressive.... B-E-AGG-RESS-IVE.... Be AGGRESSIVE!!!!

Thursday, October 27, 2005

When is enough.....enough?

So recently, actually because I ran into an ex on tuesday night and for the first time I didn't have an awkward robot dance moment, I just kind of nodded and kept walking, (I think that has a lot to do with the fact that at our last interaction he was wasted and I was sober and he professed his undying and eternal love for me and I told him to get bent). I've been thinking about how my activities reflect my gay age years.

Now gay years are different than straight years and no it's not an age thing its a behavioral thing, also it matters on when you come out that's important as there will be key differences if you're 14 rather than 34. Now I came out when I was 17, I came out loud and I came out Mother effing proud! I would go to Nation wearing a midriff tank top and body glitter and danced on a platform till the wee hours of the morning with nothing fueling me but water and accolades from what came to be my "going out friends." This continued on breaks home from college even though somewhere around 21 I gave up wearing mid riff shirts on a regular basis as I was realizing that such behavior was wicked tacky.

In any event, the attention gained when you're right out of the gates is immediate, at least it was for me. I fit into a very specific genre of gay man and that appeals to a demographic of the gay world, just as chip also fits into another, separate genre. I capitalized on being young, doe eyed, and innocent..... I'm trying, to diminish the emphasis on the doe-eyes/naiveite, but I must admit it's hella difficult when you've been adhereing to a specific formula for years and it's always gotten you results.

However, as I will be wearing something exposing my mid section this halloween + what can only be described as booty shorts the allure of slipping back into what has been described as "geisha mode" is great. However I've come to realize that now as I hold a "degree" and I have a "real job" and "pay my own bills" maybe this type of behavior isn't as attractive as it once was. The only thing that's worse than a newbie gay child that doesn't know how to act is an mature gay person that doesn't know how to act.

So this halloween I will dressed slutacularly and freeze my ass off all over our fair city. However the time is drawing near when I will begin to leave this behavior for the fresh children right out of the gate.... until that time however, b*%ches better move over because I've made this an art form....

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

And let us compare and contrast

So the high heel race was a lot of fun as is reflected in the first conversation I had this morning with Mr. Chip over IM

Dale: I totally gorged on leftovers when I got home
Dale: I feel so gross now
Chip: HA HA HA
Chip: We were home by 11
Chip: How did we get so drunk?
Dale: I know, we rule.
Chip:I'm still drunk
Dale: Me too

So instead of doing a chronicle of my times last night.... I'll leave that to Chip or do it later, I'm going to do a little comparison....

Weather- Last year was awesome, it was a little chilly but not very, clear evening, perfect for walking around. This year, rainy and grooooosssss, comfortably watched the race from Windows with The Boy, The Party Girl, Mrs. Jesus, Big Gay Kevin, Chip, and our friend T who has been celebrating her birthday, which was last night, for the past week!

Company- Last year I went with my old roomate whom I no longer talk to. This year I had so much fun being a drunken fool along with everyone!

Debauchery- Last year I made out with 4 different men in the space of the evening, none of whom's names I knew then nor know now.... and actually woke up in a bed that was not mine the next morning, when I asked him if we had fooled around and he said he wanted to but I was having none of it I had to get up and excuse myself...... This year I made out with no boys, that I'm currently aware of, and I was home and in bed by 11. I'm SUCH an angel.... that is until saturday when my costume is anything BUT angelic.

Drunkeness- Drunk last year, drunk this year.... some things always stay the same.

Diva Moment - Last year I set up my throne at Cobalt, the area kinda near the bathroom on the main floor, and held court with random friends that kept stopping by, oh I was diva! This year, because it was my friends Bday I screamed at all the queens that were obscuring her view of the high heel race to get the EF out of the way.....and they did! hmmm maybe there is something to the opinion that I intimidate people....

Lets see how productive i can be at work today..... I'm gonna go ahead and place my bet on not at all.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

How We Roll

Via IM...

Chip: PS
Chip: rocking out to Cher
Chip: booyah
Dale: you are the gayest
Dale: you've gone from Elton John to Cher
Dale: I'm sorry you might want to check your underwear later to see if glitter is coming out of your butt

*No glitter, as of yet.

Rain Rain go away..... little homos want to play...

Ok so the rain sucks, however, when it rains I always sleep better so the set of Louis Vuittons I usually have under my eyes in the morning time has been taken care of. P.S. little tip from me to you.... it may sound gross but Preparation H works WONDERS if you've had a rough night out and need to look cute the following morning/day, during my brief stints in various other jobs I utilized greatly! Also mucho gusto kudos to the nice gentleman at the gas station near eastern market that pumped my gas for me, brings me back to driving up to Maine and not having to pump my own the corner of my mind........

I would like to give a shout out to several of my friends that consider themselves drag queens for tonight is their night. Now for many of the straight peeps out there I realize that they are quite entertaining, garish makeup, high heels that would make a stripper cringe, and hair in every color that the good lord ever envisioned. And while a symbol of everything faboo I've always admired them as well. Now I believe that I introduced Chip and our friend D to their first drag queens. They may have seen them before but I believe I was the first person to go, Chip, D, this is my friend Ms. Anastasia who we talked to for a hot second before she sauntered away..... ps D's jaw dropped like Jay-Z's last album he was so dumbfounded. I think Chips jaw did the same thing when at a later date I introduced him to the same person, but who was dressed as a boy.... in my opinion he makes a MUCH better queen.

Now I've gone all tangential..... damn. ANYWAYS, so I've always admired drag queens, not because they're fabulous, they are don't get me wrong, but because they willingly make themselves to be over the top, the object of ridicule by ro's as well as mo's, and do it with what I can only assume is poise and grace, for the most part although I know a couple of queens that are so so sad. They are a faction of the gay community that is looked upon with disdain by some and ridicule by others, but I can only give props to someone who is so unapologetic about who they are and what they want. All the drag queens that I've become friends with, in D.C. there are a couple I've known for several years, have been some of the nicest people you'll ever come across..... Ms. Anastasia and Ms. CB are just two of many of D.C.'s fine queens that I count among my friends, plus one time Ms. Anastasia and I were at I at sadlands and she bitched a guy out that wouldn't leave me alone.... fabulous, simply fabulous

And just so were clear on what a drag queen is let me refer to "To Wong Foo"
"When a straight man puts on a dress and goes on a sexual kick he is a transvestite. When a man is a woman trapped in a man's body and has a little operation he is a Transsexual. When a gay man has way too much fashion sense for one gender he is a drag queen. And when a tired little Latin boy puts on a dress, he is simply a boy in a dress!!"

So on the day of the High Heel race and everything drag let me raise a rhinestone covered martini glass with a ring on my finger that would rival elizabeth taylors and let me say salut darlings.... may your wigs always stay big and your heels always be high!

Also: Rosa Parks has died last night due to natural causes, may we all live by her lesson.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Title of Post

1) See this movie.

2) My credit card is now in a block of ice in my freezer. You will NOT defeat me, Capital One! (I will now most likely develop a new, yet equally dangerous love affair with American Express.)

3) On December 9th, Dale will be wearing a kimono for this premier. Fan dance in preliminary stages.

4) Upon purchasing the Greatest Hits of Sir Elton yesterday, I may or may not be a Tiny Dancer by the end of the week...

5) Radiohead makes everything better.

Weekend Roundup

Ok so many fantastic and crazy things happened this weekend... quick recap


Friday night I did absolutely nothing, and by nothing I mean I did not go out. Wednesday night.... I was out.... Thursday night, Chip and I did our tour of pretty much everything gay in D.C.. As I was having a BBQ for my kickball team on Saturday I decided that it behooved me to stay in Friday night and get ready. By get ready I mean I made the hamburgers, which, btw are a blend of meat and spices unparalleled in modern cookery. I baked two pies.... my aunt owns a bakery, you better believe I can do some damage in pie form! Also I made a casserole because what BBQ would be complete without the casserole? Also I watched Van Helsing and solidified the fact that Hugh Jackman is obviously meant to be my husband.

Saturday during the day was much cleaning and doing of things in prep for said BBQ, I went to the gym so I could feel sassy, went to the teets to get some last minute supplies, beer and ice. I went back to the house, got everything ready and waited...... and waited......and waited. An HOUR after the BBQ was supposed to start the first guest arrived and helped me start the grill. Shortly thereafter everyone else shuffled in, including Chip and several key members of our kickball team. I don't remember the last time I had so much fun. We drank, we talked, we played drinking games with a deck of cards I bought while on vacation in Africa with my friend A, which all feature naked men in various states of arousal. From there we went to a bar where apparently according to Chip's camera I had several drinks and shots. Then I excused myself and went home and passed the EF out before midnight

Sunday, woke up and promptly called Chip to go to gay church a.k.a brunch. He had dominated some late night treats and was not up for the festivities so I called the ladies T+A and we went out to brunch at H. Marys. Fabulous time was had and I bonded with T's gentleman caller about random crap read: we went to HS together and I talked about the chicks he dated during said tenure. After that I picked Chip up and we went costume shopping for Halloween, now my costume is no short of scandalous, I'm covering about 10% of my body come next saturday and expect to pay for 0% of my drinks that night, we shall see what develops. My response to anyone who asks me "what's your costume" is going to be.... "I'm your wet dream come true" Yeah there's no way I'm paying for drinks. In any event my work as a seamstress will be shown. Chip and I joined T+A plus various people to celebrate T's birthday at Penang, good dinner was had and I promptly went home after, work is going to SUUUUUUCK this week.

I watched Mean Girls as I was going to bed and it dawned on me that the only gay character never got any ass the entire time.... that SUCKS. Also, that if I was in the mean girls I would have to be the dumb one, cuz I say things like "Live in love, is that like live in maid?" It's funny cuz I'm actually not a dumbass. I'd have to say Chip would be Gretchen Weiners'........ his hair holds everybody's secrets!!!!!

I can't wait for the drag race and halloween..... hope to see everybody out!!

Friday, October 21, 2005

Oh Happy Thursday!

For the better part of my first year in DC, my friends and I had a Thursday night routine that occurred with scary regularity (this was before I met Dale). We generally would hit up Rosemary's Thyme for some 50% off bottles of wine or Lauriol, followed by a trip to Front Page or Ad Mo. A friend of mine (D) and I would also end the night at Gaypex for college ID night. D loves the young ones! Anywho, it's been a WHILE since I've had a Thursday night as described above. With kickball during the week for the past 5 months, I have tried to limit the number of nights I go out during the week. Plus, I'm dealing with grad school applications, so I've been a bit of a recluse. Regardless, last night was like the old days, but subtract D and add Dale.

I should've started the post with this disclaimer, but I'm in an absurdly (and uncharacteristic) good mood. I don't know if I'm still a bit drunk, excited for a nice long greasy lunch, or what but something's amiss! (As a result, this post is going to be spastic to say the least)

First thought of the morning: I REALLY need a 'hangover' mix on my iPod. However, I'm not sure what I would include. I would certainly include "Mercy, Mercy Me" but other than that, I'm not so sure. What do YOU think? (I expect a response from you, Mr. Bartender!)

Anywho, as Dale mentioned, our straight friend blew up my spot and called me out on GL. The reason I backed off is not b/c I suck (although whether or not I actually suck is open to debate), but rather we were supposed to meet at Front Page to surprise a friend of ours for her bday. Our straight friend later informed me that he would gladly go to GL for shirtless happy hour, AND he will be bartending at a gay bar at some point in the near future (Details to be released as I learn them).

Fast forward to Gaypex: The music, pulsating. The drinks, down the hatch. The guys, in the F*CKING CRADDLE!! As I mentioned, it's been a while since I've been to Gaypex on a Thursday, but I felt old (I guess that happens when you're not being hit on by a 60 year old, ahem, Dale...) Maybe it was the fresh fishies that have come with the new school year, but yikes! Frankly, I don't see myself dating anyone younger than me (as Dale may tell you, dating someone my age is kind of a stretch...), so I was really indifferent about most of the people who were there. I decided early that I was going to down some drinks and enjoy some dancing. About three songs into said Operation Boogie, some goober approaches me:

Goober: Do you know D?
Me: Yeah...
Goober: D at such and such a law school in New York?
Me: Yeah... (I recognize him as a guy that D hooked up with, prior to moving. He's young, so we refer to him as 'Sweet 16').
Goober: I know you from Friendster!
Me, to self: You should've kept that to yourself...
Me: Cool... (insert look that says: Get the f*ck away from me)

Unfortunately, Goober was wicked drunk and did not pick up on my non verbal communication. Furthermore, since he's only 19, he kept wanting to "sip" my drink. You can have it in two years, bitch.

I need to be very clear on this issue. I feel like Big Worm, but playing with my alochol is like playing with my emotions; don't push me.

So, after asking Goober if he has class tomorrow, with an air of superiority (due to the fact that I am his superior, in life) he responds by asking if I have work tomorrow... ew. He then informed me that Dale and I were in the "GW" section of the bar, so Dale and I promptly sought refuge on the other side as if we were fleeing Darfur.

As we leave the bar, I decide it's high time I meet Team Lady and The Boy:

Me: Call Team Lady and the Boy, we should meet up.
Dale: Ew. Do I look like the yellow pages? Don't answer that...
Me: Well, call someone else and get the number. Make it happen.
Dale: Who do you want me to call, the Ghostbusters? I hate you.
Me: Didn't you get some blogger numbers at Happy Hour? It's time to institute a blogger phone chain, like Legally Blonde 2.
Dale: "I want a hot dog REAL bad!" I didn't get any numbers, some people may have mine, but I don't have any of theirs.
Me: Busted.
Dale: Let's go to 17th street.
Me: Word.

Obviously, there was no rendezvous and no more drinking. Dale and I decide to hit up the place where, as Dale puts it, old gay men go to die: Annie's! WARNING: I AM ABOUT TO RANT.

What the shit! Annie's was closed, and so was McDonald's. Momma needs some food, and like my alcohol, you do NOT want to get between me and my feeding. Is some late night grub (other than waiting an hour for Manny & Olga's delivery) really too much to ask for? Is there some location of late-night greasy goodness in the Dupont area that I am unaware of? Please, this situation needs to be resolved ASAP!!

As a result of the heartbreaking lack of food, Dale gets in a cab and I return to Homo HQ to raid the fridge/pantry. Luckily, we have nothing to snack on. What do I eat? A Lean freakin' Cuisine. Do I want anything "lean" at 2:00 AM? Heeeeeeeeeelllllllllll no! I ate it anyway and passed the eff out. Who's about to leave la oficina to hit up Gordon Biersch for some crab cake, fries and beer? THIS GUY! Over and out. Have a great weekend!

Friday more than five......... Ouch my head.....

So apparently I didn't abuse my body enough on Wednesday night at the fabulous Blogger Happy Hour so low and behold, Wednesday turns to thursday which turns into Thursday night and I find myself at Lauriol Plaza with Chip and a few of our friends and wonder of wonders I get a margarita or 3!!! Some highlights of the evening include:

1). The quiet girl in the corner as were all talking about something vastly innapropriate says..... "the first time I ever gave a (rhymes with fauxjob) I was sixteen and on a plane, and it was the guy next to me I just met." She totally deadpanned it too, I snarfed strawberry swirl margarita out of my nose I was laughing so hard. We obviously all raised our glasses to her after that one.

2). Chip got called the EFFF out!!! Our group consisted of 5 ladies, Chip, myself, and a "friend" of one of the ladies, who I actually went to high school with. As we were discussing where to go from Lauriol, I casually let it slip that Green Lantern has free beer from 10-11 on thursdays if you take your shirt off. I look over at Chip who promptly replies, "If (straight boy) goes, I'll go." So we explain to the straight boy about GL, the clientele that's there and the free beer, he says... "SURE I"LL GO!!" Chip then re-thought his stance and we decided to all go to Front Page instead

3). My master plan to make it a low key evening went straight out the door as soon as I left my house apparently. After front page Chip and I said adios to our 'ro friends and headed first to Sadlands, which was..... sad. We both realized that we don't fit in with the 19 year old children who were sauced on bottom shelf vodka that they keep in their closets so their RA's don't find it. Plus I saw people there that I wasn't that fond of so we decided to go. From there we went past JR's and to cobalt, and then went home, circa 1:30 am.

4). Apparently someone decided to bus all of the homosexual men out of the city last night and neglected to inform both Chip and I..... unless he's holding out on me..... No really though, JR's? Empty. Cobalt? Empty. Very very strange. Maybe the crowd at the green lantern was better, I'll be doing investigatory work in coming weeks.

5). Apparently, according to various un-named sources I will be embarking on my "family values tour" this season. What does that mean you wonder? Apparently I will be instilling values of wholesome decency in my social life... i.e. not dating sleaze bags or sugar daddies. Also cut back on the partying, I don't think my fragile little body will do so well with the abuse I keep piling up on it. Oh this tour does not include halloween saturday night when I WILL be wearing a salacious and scandalizing costume!!! Whatever just because I dress like a ho doesn't make me one..... oh wait......

6). Chip was the recipient of some very interesting attention last night. *For a detailed account you'll have to see his post, it's tots funny!! but needless to say there was a booc awkward exchange between Chip and (el estudiante). Now among our friends whenever something that awkward happens we break out the awkward robot dance, I would have broken out said dance if I would have known. P.S. I totally got snubbed by the short little P.O.S. fledgling who, btw had a heinous eyebrow job. Now I didn't want to touch the fledgling in any way but as anyone will tell you, a queen deserves a certain level of respect and reverance!

7). Dear weather.... stop sucking.... my skin is dry and my car ride was miserable thanks to your downpour.

Thursday, October 20, 2005


Admitting this may not be in my best interest, but that's never stopped me before...

Have you ever pretended your phone connection was bad so that you'd be able to end (or not even have) a conversation with someone who you'd rather not talk to? Well, last night I was in the middle of the Scene XXIII: 'I'm a Loser' in the play 'Life of Chip'. After getting home, I promptly changed into clothes that no one other than my roommate ever sees me in and prepared for a night of editing and baseball. At about 8:15 my phone rings, so I check to see who's calling. It's Dale. I figure he's left happy hour (I think to myself, "Self, I'm surprised Dale's left so early"), and is calling to let me know what I missed. The following exchange took place (as best I can recount):

Me: "Hey!"
Female voice: "You better get the fuck down here right now, what are you doing?!?!?"
Let's pause. Despite internet rumors, Dale is NOT a female. (take a moment if you need it to collect yourself) I realize that Dale is in fact still at the blogger happy hour and my absence has someone upset, or they're bored or maybe had a few too many martinis... At this point (well, before the phone rings), there is no chance I'm going out. I've already called it a night, and as lame as it may be, nothing this person could've said would have changed my mind. Shit, what's a guy to do?
Me: "Hello?"
Female voice: "Where are you, get your ass over here!"
Me: "Helloooooooo? Dale? Hello?"
Female voice: "This isn't Dale. Come to happy hour now!" (she sounded very angry, or maybe it was just her way of shouting over all of the noise)
Me: "Hello? Uhh... I can't hear anything."

I hung up. So, while I do feel bad about pulling such a stunt. "Get the fuck down here right now" isn't exactly near the top of my list of "Ways to talk to someone for the first time who you've never met." Consequently, I don't feel THAT bad, but I will buy said bloger a drink at the next blogger function (that I attend). Any guesses as to who it was?

Blogger HH..... a wee bit hazy

Right. So yesterday was a day of firsts for me...... I have never taken the GRE before so that was a first, and I went to the first blogger happy hour. let me recap both experiences

GRE: ok first of all what a heinous exam that does, in no way shape or form reflect my ability about epidemiology or the spread of infectious diseases, which is what I want to go to grad school for anyways.... I mean really, who really cares if I can calculate if one circle is bigger than another or that I know the antonym to Garrulous? I did allright and then proceeded right next door to the gym where I de-stressed for about an hour. Then went home, made the obligatory phone calls to the rents about my scores, and took a much needed nap and shower....

Blogger HH: Now I, like Kathryn, do not have the ability to link to everyone I met but here's a very general rundown of the guests. (Editor's note: Chip has been kind enough to insert the appropriate links. Bless his heart!)

Asian Mistress: Power to the people my asian compatriot! We are now officially Tiffanys twins and yes, true to my roots as a product of a montgomery county upbringing my accoutrement of tiffanys jewelery is wide and all-encompassing! Sorry I didn't stay longer.... daddy had a looooong day.

DC Cookie: For some reason I'm drawn to tall women and you are no exception! Funny and witty and I actually let her take a picture of me...... god I hope I don't have a goofy face... either that or do my Giselle Bundchen bedroom eyes thing. Chip is well aware that I have a set pose for taking casual pictures..... I think I whipped that one out last night.

KathrynOn: Fantastic organizer, and fantastic to get to know, unfortunately I left before things got really crazy but I'm looking forward to painting the town seven shades of fabulous in the future!

A Unique Alias: What a gentleman, now while I don't remember the specifics of the conversation that we had I do remember having a great time. I may have to add him to my straight men harem.

I-66: The half asians are taking over D.C.!!!

RC: I think I broke out my "belly dancing" moves for her last night read:I drunkenly shook my butt in her general direction..... ah well it wouldn't be a happy hour without me doing something embarassing.

Keith: Wonderful meeting another 'mo blogger, and your partner was wicked nice too!

I'm sure I met and talked with a number of others but right now trying to remember the conversations is making my head hurt....and we really don't want to stomp down that road any more than we have to.

Today is a Venti Pumpkin Spice Latte Day.......

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Prayerfully Yours

I decided about an hour ago to stop working for the day. I wanted to post something, since I rarely do, but I didn't really have anything of much interest to share. Then, it happened. My email notifier popped up, and I see an email with the subject line: "Lutricia Garrett" Lutricia is a secretary at my firm. I've met her a few times. Here is the text of the email, written by another secretary, named Kay (this is exactly as it appears):


Our Sister, and long-time employee, Lutricia Garrett, praise God, is home from the hospital. Her surgery (pancreatic cancer) went very well. She is very grateful she is home and exhibits her strength in God's Word. However, Lutricia, truly needs our support. With God's strength, she is preparing herself to undergo chemotherapy and radiation. After many, many visits to the doctor prior to Lutricia's surgery, and many weeks in the hospital, her leave is gone and her finances are also strained. She is in need of our ongoing heartfelt support and prayers. I am asking in the name of Jesus, if you would contribute to Lutricia's welfare while she is going through. . .. We know that God has the Victory in it all. Any contributions can be given to Elayne McKenzie or myself; checks payable to Elayne McKenzie or Kraheema West (Kay). All monies will be deposited into a bank account for Lutricia. This will be an ongoing love offering. I can be reached on X5147. Thank you and God Bless You. GOD'S AMAZING GRACE.

*If a receipt is required, please let me know.

Prayerfully Yours,

ARE YOU F'ING SERIOUS?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
I cannot even believe that this email was sent out. Nothing being said on cancer or this poor woman's situation, but is this not a bit inappropriate? For the record, it was sent to a "classified" email distribution list, that is designed to serve as a purpose of an in-house classified section of a newspaper, but still. I have never seen any email even remotely like this in my year+ at the firm. Granted, Lutricia's voicemail ends with "Have a blessed day", but this is NOT what I want to be reading at work. I'm trying to work at a large corporate law firm killing the dreams of blue-collar America, NOT be ambushed with an excessively religious solicitation. I just don't understand people who infuse so many religious references into their expression. Am I missing something?

Prayerfully Yours,

Good Luck, Dale!

Dale is taking the GRE's at noon today, GOOD LUCK!!!

Yeah I know..... I'm a freakshow

Ok so.... As I was studying last night for the GRE's I'm taking today, I at one time put down my books and looked around and had a "I miss college and wish I could go back" moment.

.......And now segue into a Sophia Petrillo walk down memory lane moment.......

Picture it, Lewiston Maine, the year 2001. A sophomore from a Maryland suburb had just started his second year at a first rate institution, he had by this time learned what his major was going to be, that he would NOT be going to medical school, and that making out with the one hot gay guy on campus had pretty much exhausted his social life for the rest of his tenure. Now enter Biology 201, this class and the year ahead was meant to weed out those who weren't fit to be biology majors and would make more than one person have to leave school because of a nervous breakdown.
Now at this time dear readers, Dale met who would become his closest group of friends at college, and yes, they were all on the football team. shocking I know. So for at least 5 out of the seven nights a week Dale along with 5 guys each of whom could bench press a volvo, would study Animal Physiology, Molecular Genetics, Cell biology, Evolutionary Biology, Ecology and so on and so forth in this manner. I remember the work being hard but above that I remember enjoying myself so much with these guys that it became secondary. We all did reasonably well or reasonably horribly depending on the exam, but it solidified us as a group. P.S. these would be the guys when I would get drunk, sling me over their shoulder and carry me home and tuck me into bed...... not that I couldn't walk, I just prefer to be carried.
The culmination of this dynamic occurred during a time which is dreaded by every biology major (especially those of us who were sadistic enough to concentrate on Molecular Biology as our chosen concentration) called Cellular and Molecular Biology or Cell Hell. During this period, one took one class for 6 weeks and it was the same as one semester of a class. So we had 4 hours of lecture in the morning and 4 hours of laboratory Monday through Thursday.... yes it was ridiculous. My group would be the only people in the study halls in the academic buildings as everyone else was taking "chinese calligraphy" or "appreciation of poetry" as their classes. We all made it through this class, even if at one point I did develop gastritis and had to call the ambulance cuz all my abdominal muscles had seized up..... but it was ok, I made them drive me everyday to class from the hospital and put me up in a wheelchair in the corner.... LIKE HELL I WAS GOING TO MISS A LECTURE!!!!!!!

In any event, the moral of the story is that now as I sit alone with the Princeton Review and Kaplan surrounding me, I long for days when all nighters and wearing sweatpants 4 days in a row were the norm.... yeah the only reason I'd change out of the sweatpants was to wash them....

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Cell Phones, necessary??

Now Ok, so I'm the queen of losing/breaking/mutilating in some way all forms of wireless communications. This summer alone I've lost my phone and put it in the washer.... note, these are two separate phones as after I washed the first phone it ceased to function properly.

Anyways, while I was waiting for the nice people at the phone insurance company that I've grown so fond of to send me my replacement phone (p.s. I'm on my last phone, if I lose/break this one I'm screwed till January.... lets see if I can make it to Halloween) I had to go the entire weekend +friday and monday during the day sans cell phone. And let me just say that I've learned a couple of things.

1). Without a cell phone it's really hard for some people to get in touch with you if they don't have access to the internet on the weekends and you don't have a land line.

2). I felt so much more relaxed without having the notion that at any time my phone would ring with someone wanting to chat/bother me etc. That being said, I was all types of productive on saturday while I was incommunicado. I will be turning my cell phone off at more points in the future to simulate the effect of not having a cell phone for some "me time"

3). Not having a cell phone and suspending your service does not act as a deterrent to those of baser instincts who want to get into your pants. Upon activating my replacement phone and restoring service I was delivered 3 text messages from a particular sender that were graphic to say the least, I recognized the number at least.....

So having had a cell phone pretty much every moment of my entire life for the past 7 years I've become accustomed to having communication at my fingertips at all times.... but you know what? Sometimes it's nice to not be able to be reached....

Wrap Me Up In Seaweed and Rice!

I have now eaten sushi five times in the past eleven days. I used to think instituting a sushi diet would be not only a good idea, but very enjoyable. Slowly, I am beginning to rethink such a proposition. Good thing Wednesday's happy hour is at a sushi bar...

Editor's note: This does not confirm my attendance at happy hour. Law school apps are due in two weeks, and for the time being, I have to give them priority over everything else. All apologies. I'm sure Dale will be able to drink on my behalf, and then some!

Monday, October 17, 2005

Only the good die young

So as I was writing a "weekend roundup" blog this evening I received an email from one of my friends. Apparently someone whom I've been friends with for a couple of years was killed on friday evening in a car accident. He was 21. I wasn't notified sooner because I lost my cell phone on wednesday and couldn't be reached.

Now this weekend for me was an adventure of me taking substance abuse to an excess where I hope never to be ever again. I had to be cared for by Chip and our friend T as I was making personal decisions that would adversely affect my life. My friend hadn't been drinking when his life was ended. He was a promising guy who was smart, witty, and enjoyable. I acknoweledge the fact that I had fallen out of touch with him as of late and I will forever be sorry for that.

This isn't the first time that this has happened. When I was 12 a distant relative was having a wedding and we were invited to a small island in the outer banks to a clandestine wedding for a proper society bride. The wedding went off without a hitch and we ended up staying the rest of the week with our family where me and my cousin who is my age were taught how to drive a truck by our older cousin on the beach. We also had our first real taste of beer as his family owns a microbrewery in Colorado. We looked up to him as if he were larger than life. And to us, he was.... in our eyes he could do no wrong, he was gorgeous, a lacrosse player, nice, funny, smart, and even better, he put up with two twelve year olds that followed him around to no end.

Two weeks after this wedding took place we got a phone call, he had been driving to lacrosse practice and his car was hit by a mack 10 truck and he was killed instantly. His parents still haven't recovered, it's been 11 years and you can see the part of his parents that died with their son. I'm sure he had his faults as did my friend who was killed on friday but it's at times like this that I can't help but wonder what they did to deserve such a fate? What grand master plan is realized by their deaths? I just hope that someone....somewhere... takes a moment after they've been drinking to rethink getting behind the wheel... playing with your own life is one thing, playing with someone elses is so much more...

(Sorry for making this blog v. v. serious, I promise this will not be a regular occurrence)

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Friday Five back for more

It's that time again..................

1). Last night for the first time I stepped foot inside a police station by my townhouse. A stipulation of the insurance on my cell phone which I misplaced on wednesday night states that I must have a lost property claim thingy so off to the police station I went. I saw a man get "booked," I saw several police officers whom I wouldn't mind seeing on a "social" basis, I also saw a woman come to pick up her brother who was in the jail..... hopefully that will be the only time I am ever in a police station.

2). Verizon wireless and cell phone companies in general must be one of the seven circles of hell along with shopping malls and swap meets, their sadistic rules and regulations make it A) difficult as poo to get a new phone and B) give the employees the power of a demi-god to wield over my communication capabilities.......

3). No matter how bad of a day I've had, work stress, cell phone issues, dealing with random BGD (Big Gay Drama), Popping in Steel Magnolias and having a nice glass of merlot brightens up any evening!! PS it's been decided that out of the Steel Magnolias ladies I'm obviously Dolly Parton... "There's so much static electricity in here I pick up everything but boys and money!"

4). Halloween is just around the corner.... plans anyone? also.... the high heel race is even closer just around the corner, I can't wait to see a drag queen bite it on 17th st.!!!

5). My great aunt (japanese) whom is also 4'7" and is in her late 80's has been having a hard time getting into her bed because it's too high off the ground, so what is my family's solution to the problem? That's right.... were getting her a childs bed.... my vote is for one in the shape of a fire engine... that'll show that crazy old goat...

What is it about me?? I mean really.....

What is it about a person that attracts a very specific demographic of the population to them? In some cases it's obvious, like gym bunnies that attract other gym bunnies, or emo twinks that attract other angsty emo twinks. This is not true in all cases however, apparently, the type of men I attract are mid to late 40's, successful professional, commonly seen at JR's or Cobalt or wherever in a power suit drinking something like a gimlet or some such nonsense.

Anyways, last night, after a rousing game of kickball.... we kicked som ASS btw and are as of the moment, undefeated, we proceeded to drink copious amount of in Chips words "brew dogs" and have a riotous time with our teammates. After a couple hours there we decide to grab some food and head over to JR's, which is the obvious choice after gorging on falafel and beer.

So we roll up to JR's in our kickball t-shirts and I start a tab, which, apparently according to the fact that I don't have my ID or Credit Card, I still have open at JR's. So Chip and I are checking out the scene when we are approached by a gentleman in a leather jacket, he proceeds to blatantly hit on Chip while making some inane small talk which I personally found to be quite humorous. I then felt the call of nature so I excused myself to utilize the facilities, on the way to the bathroom I'm stopped by a gentleman in his mid to late 40's, in a power suit, drinking what appeared to be a gimlet, apparently he had to stop me to tell me how good looking he thought I was etc. etc. etc. and so forth and so on in that fashion.

I finish in the facilities and rejoin Chip and LJG (Leather Jacket Guy) and PSG (Power Suit Guy) makes a beeline for us and immediately puts his hand around my waist. After I got tired of that read: within 30 seconds, I ask Chip if he needs to "go to the bathroom" which he does so we go upstairs to laugh about the guys that are on us like white on rice, I jokingly bitch about the fact that all I attract are sugar daddies and what's that about.

At that point LJG and PSG come upstairs to see what's taking us so long and I get cornered on the pool table by PSG which is mucho awkward and Chip got cornered on the wall by LJG. We had a little playful banter due to the lack of cute guys and the lack of anything better to do, then Chip and I decided it was time to go home so we up and left and Chip went back to his place at Gay and Homo and I went back to the ghetto of Cap. Hill.

Also of note, I had to be reminded by Chip as to what the guy who was hitting on me's name was, also apparently he's an attorney in DC. And at some point last night I misplaced my cell which is still on as I just called it.... let the hunt for the phone begin!!!

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Tagged by Momma

1. If money were no object, what would you be doing with your life? Travelling throughout Latin America and the rest of the world, learning foreign languages and a plethora of other things.

2. Money is just that - an object, so why aren't you doing it? All of those things require the use of an object, called money.

3. What's better: horses or cows? I hate horses, unless enjoyed from a safe distance. I tried to ride one in the Grand Canyon as a child, and the bitch went crazy. Robin was her name, I will never forget it... Cows.

4. What do you think the secret to happiness is? A strong drink? Shit if I know...

5. When was the last time you had a dream that you either remember well or did not want to awake from? Can you share a bit? I just ate lunch, there's no way I remember any of my dreams on a full stomach.

6. When you were a little kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? Athlete, namely basketball. I know, original. I would've been the white Spud Webb!

7. Complete this statement: Love is..... not holding its end of the bargain. (?)

8. Can you tell a good story? (write one!) There are plenty of good stories accessible on this blog. Would you rather hear about how I split my face open outside of jumbo slice and spent the night blacked out in the ER? I don't know you that well...

9. Can you remember your last daydream? What was it about? This is going to sound horrible, but I just saw a hot attorney and thought about getting it on in his office. Sue me!

10. If you were to thank someone today, who would you thank? My friend's lesbian attorney is trying to set me up with another attorney... so I may thank her, but we'll have to see what the internet stalking turns up on this guy...

UPDATE: It appears the attorney in question worked at a law firm of another acquaintance of mine (not good), AND, I believe he is most certainly not single.

When they just won't get the hint+ I've been tagggged

Ok so...... I would like to think of myself as a nice person, I try to bring a level of civility and etiquette to most social situations, this can and sometimes does include people that I at one time dated and have no interest in or people that I never had any interest in.

Now I believe that some people would classify me as too nice bordering on doormat status, this was definitely true with one of my ex's who proceeded to jerk me around for the better part of a year after we broke up. I however don't see the need to be anything less than polite and cordial to people who through no fault of their own, couldn't maintain or begin a relationship with me that went beyond friendship.

As I blogged about before, I had a gentleman caller who I dated for a while, then he stopped calling, a month went by and now he's all about some dale... and judging by his frequent IM's and phone calls he wants him some Dale baaaaaaaaaaaad. Now in all of our interactions at no point have I suggested that I am amenable to this situation but in order to not be outright rude I take on a certain playful naiviete persona where I just kind of bat my eyes and smile....internet style

Gentleman Caller: You always looked so hot in your running shorts
Me: Well aren't you sweet.
Gentleman Caller: I haven't seen you in ages, when are you free?
Me: He he he, I dunno, I'm a very popular boy...... (Then I end the conversation because I have "something to do" read: my goal has been reached therefore I'm done)

The second example is me being a shameless flirt but not putting out for my benefit. So a certain employee at a certain gay establishment in the city has been trying to sleep with me for the past 5 years, yes people that's right, since before I was able to vote, drink, or legally have a cigarette. He's currently still in his 20's so it's not a daddy type situation, but he's not someone with whom I would like to be "social" with on any level other than platonic/ innocent flirtation. As Chip has observed, I will get lewd text messages a couple times a week requesting that I perform various "activities" for him, none of which I have ever done or plan to do btw. However, as an employee at a certain establishment, my interaction with him has saved me countless amounts of money in drinks and cover which otherwise I would have had to spend, and then where would I be???

However, in the first instance I'm having a hard time walking the line between being politely brief and being outright rude..... I didn't seal the deal with you when we were dating, what makes you think it's gonna happen now? Currently I'm weighing the pro's and con's of making yet another enemy in DC.... only time will tell.

Now onto part 2 of my blog..... I've Been Tagged

1. If money were no object, what would you be doing with your life? 2 chicks at the same time..... no really I'd probably be volunteering by day and doing social functions in the evening time

2. Money is just that - an object, so why aren't you doing it? because volunteering doesn't afford me the lifestyle with which I have grown accustomed

3. What's better: horses or cows? Obvy cows, who ever had a satisfying stallion burger?

4. What do you think the secret to happiness is? coming to a place in your life where you don't care what other people think and being secure in the decisions you make.

5. When was the last time you had a dream that you either remember well or did not want to awake from? Can you share a bit?The last vivid dream I remember having involved me riding a float and waving to people like queen elizabeth......

6. When you were a little kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?I wanted to be a chemist.... yes I'm that dorky

7. Complete this statement: Love is.....Ummm what's love got to do with it?

8. Can you tell a good story? (write one!)bitch please, what do I look like? mother effing goose?

9. Can you remember your last daydream? What was it about? I daydream that I get to go home early

10. If you were to thank someone today, who would you thank?My roommates for finally remembering to take out the trash!

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

My Head Might Explode

December 14, 2005:

U2 is performing at the Saavis Center in St. Louis, Missouri. Who's opening, you may ask (or may not considering U2 is un-fucking-believable)? KANYE WEST! Part of me wishes I were still in the Show Me State...

Come out Come out.....wherever you are!

Today, October 11, is National Coming Out Day. I wonder perhaps if many people actually use this day to come out... I mean October? really? When I came out it was more out of convenience than an inner necessity to make peace with who I was. I mean really.

So ok, in HS I was "friends" with a member of the varsity football team. We were "friends" for most of HS as a matter of fact. I'm still not sure as to how many people actually knew we were "friends" but I believe that behind closed doors people sure talked about it, he never had any girlfriends and I...well.... I mean come on, I'm not fooling anybody even though I never mentioned it. My high school was abound with the gays, there was a gay-straight alliance, a couple times one of my friends came to school in drag... it was a gay old time. I never had any problems in HS because I was mr. Honor Roll as well as All-American for Diving, it allowed me a certain level of comfort even if I did get the F-bomb thrown at me on occasion.

Anyways, so while I was "friends" with Captain America Football man, this other gentleman who was in the ROTC apparently developed a bit of a "thing" for me, of which I was totally unaware. It was junior year and I was more concerned with the SAT's and going to Junior Olympic Nationals than dating. However, the friend that dressed in drag occasionaly had a HUGE crush on Mr. ROTC. Unbeknownst to me he then called all of our mutual friends together and outed me on the spot. I was horrified when I found out, not because I was outed but because I couldn't control the situation. So I did what any well-mannered person would do, I took all my friends out for starbucks and over our latte's and a marlboro light I said....."I'm Gay"........ their response was....."ummm duh, ok can somebody pass the lighter???" so that crisis was averted.

My family I thought would be a tougher nut to crack. My mom and I went out to dinner one night at a nice italian restaurant in bethesda. After having a glass of wine (I'm 17 by the way) I just kind of blurt it out... ummm mom? I think I'm gay. Mom was in mid sip which quickly turned into chug style gulp. But being equipped with a sense of decorum she calmly said....
"ok, well if you're happy that way then fine, however I have three rules for you:"
1: No hot pants (yeah what she doesn't know won't hurt her)
2: Don't wear a feather boa
3: Don't shave your head

My dad was easier when I told him, he said "well are your grades good?" I said yes... he said "Do you want to have children someday?" I said sure why not. he said.... "ok then I don't care"

In college I was on a panel for coming out day to answer questions from inquiring students and I don't think that "dating the captain of the football team in HS" really counts as a tear jerking coming out story......hmmm maybe there IS a reason the gay club at school didn't like me......

Monday, October 10, 2005

Tales from Philadelphia

This weekend served as another reminder of just how much I love to visit Philadelphia. I had an absolutely wonderful trip! Here's the breakdown:

Friday I arrived, and kicked it at the crib-o before meeting up with my friend S to celebrate her recent engagement and enjoy some D. Lish sushi. Yum! Nothing too exciting, just great company and good food. Dinner was followed by a viewing of Hitch, during which I passed the f out.

Saturday morning, I ventured over to King of Prussia for what I thought would be a quick trip to pick up a present for my sister and maybe a few things for myself. Unfortunately, I struck out like WHOA and picked out the worst possible gift I've ever given my sister.

Following my less-than-enjoyable trip to Mecca (King of Prussia mall), I went over to another mall where a close friend works to meet for lunch. D has been working at that mall for what feels like an eternity, and we caught up while we ate at Bain's Deli. Not exactly Jim's, Geno's or Pat's, but still alright.

Saturday night was definitely the highlight of the trip. I prepped by ordering another sushi dinner (from the same restaurant). Unforunately, I ate WAY too much (shocker). Whatevs. I grabbed a case o' beer, and headed over to my sister's gf's house. A group had congregated to watch the Penn State / Ohio State game (some of my sister's friends, including the gf, are Penn State grads). Nothin' like a bunch of 'mos and lesbians watching college football.

When I got there, there were two other guys present, one cute, and one eh. I inferred they were a couple, but then my sister informed me that they were "on the outs" and the cute one "wanted me." Ummm, I'm sorry, but this is not New Order's Bizarre Love Triangle, and I was not trying to spend my night all caught up in some BGD (Big Gay Drama). Then, I had a few beers, and applied heavy flirting....

Firs stop of the night: Sister's nightclub. I actually saw my first gay gang! This flock of blonde girls who all looked 21 or 22 pimp walked into the club wearing navy T-shirts with sayings such as "Player" and "Thank Your Girlfriend for Me." Furthermore, they were wearing trucker hats and ties.... trucker hats and ties. It was as if Avril Lavigne and Ashton Kutcher produced tragically unhip lesbian children. Yikes! Had I not been caught in there territory, I would have made some choice remarks to them, but I was afraid to be too much of an asshole at such an early point in the evening.

Second stop: Tavern on Camac. The thing I liked about this bar was that it was almost an equal mix of guys and girls. I can't recall ever going to a gay bar and experiencing that kind of balance. Almost as soon as I got in there, I saw a guy at the bar who was abso-fucking-lutely adorable, and proceeded to stare (read: leer) at him for the next 10 minutes. He must've not thought it was cute, for he didn't talk to me (primarily b/c it WASN'T cute). I spent most of the rest of the night trying to find him, but failed miserably. Anywho, we had some more drinks, shots and danced, fun for all. I saw another attractive gentleman and was blatantly checking him out, b/c this other guy walked up to me and blew up my spot: "I wouldn't think you'd go for a guy like that." (He obviously doesn't know me). We chatted for a bit, but then the crew decided to hit up the after hours club, Pure.

We're hanging out on the back stair well waiting for everyone to come, when some drunk girl took a step or two down the stairs and totally bit it! When I got out of the bathroom, all I could see were these two legs sticking out of the bar. It was tots Wizard of House, sans house and the fact that she wasn't a witch. After a hearty laugh (we made sure she was okay, of course. Me thinks she may have lost some teeth though!), and some scary drag queens, we ptfo'ed (peaced the f*ck out) and went to Pure.

Like many gay bars, our hands were stamped upon arriving. Pure's stamp read: "You Go Girl" What? No, "girl," I don't. Why do they have to have the gayest effin' stamp? I asked the stamper why they couldn't use a star or something, but he was useless. JR's often uses a stamp that reads "Every City has Its Secrets" SO unnecessary. Pure ended up being uneventful, but we stayed out til about 4. Sister accompanied the excessively drunk gf home on the early side.

Sunday: brunch with sister and the parents, train back to DC, qt with the roommate and her sister who was in town for the weekend. Attempt to watch Finding Neverland crashed and burned. I've heard that movie is great, but we just could not get into it at all.

Sidenotes: Roommate's sister has a Razr, and although previously unimpressed, I am now obsessed! I've also realized that my tendency to drop my phone (among other things, such as my camera) makes me less than a qualified candidate to purchase a Razr.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Weekend Roundup...... or regression...fabulous

Ok so this weekend I spent with the 'rents and my kid sister who was home from college, and may I just say that you decidedly CAN go home again.

Saturday was spent at the hell hole that I call Montgomery Mall, I am under the belief that all malls are the work of satan and represent all that is horrible and bad about American society. Grabby classless suburbanites clamoring for the last salmon colored skank tank from Contempo casual all the while congratulating themselves on how fantastic they'll look in their new duds at High School on Monday.

Needless to say my sister and I took our parents credit cards out for a little exercise and I am now fully equipped for the fall season, complete with sweaters of cable knit, mock neck, and V-neck cashmere variety which will only serve as a fantastic accessory to the 20$ button downs that Mr. Crew of J fame was only too happy to supply me.

Saturday night I was the coolest person on the face of the earth, read: after a fantastic dinner with the fam I spent the evening making flash cards for the GRE's and watching pleasantville while gorging on candy my sister brought home from her sorority.... who woke up with fun size snickers wrappers stuck to their face?? It'd be funnier if it was the first time that had happened.........

Sunday I spent the day with my sister being asian.... also known as we went to get bagels for brunch and then spent the day in our sweats studying with intermittent pilates breaks. After a fantastic portuguese dinner provided by family friends I made my way back to the D of C to do some laundry and have a viewing of perhaps one of the greatest movies of all time.

"You're going to wear the shirt of the band you're going to see? Don't be that guy"

" You participated in a phallus naming?"

"Classes? nothing before 11, Beer? It's your best friend; drink a lot of it, Women? you'll be a freshman so that's out of the question."

"He's finishing his thesis. Pigman is trying to prove the Caine-Hackman theory. No matter what time it is you can find a Gene Hackman or Michael Caine movie playing on tv."

Anyone??? Anyone???

Friday, October 07, 2005

Our Powers combined.......were SUPER GAY

So the first 'mo blogger happy hour was an unequivocal success.

After a gorge-fest a la chipotle style with my counterpart Chip I worked up the cujones to brave JR's by myself, not knowing what would await me........

I planted myself firmly in line of sight with pretty much everybody so that I could therefore be approached by theboy , who was very friendly and came right up to me.... thankfully as I was guzzling my G & T to facilitate my friendliness.

I then proceeded to acquaint myself with Mr. Bartender, Mrs. Jesus, and The Party Girl.... all of whom are uber super fun, I knew I was in for a memorable evening!

After getting our drink on at JR's we decided to head over to Green Lantern.... I, having never been there before was very unsure of what was in store for me, as the boy said when I asked him to describe it.... "seedy"...... awesome.

We arrived and were handed our cups, we then proceeded to take our shirts off and head upstairs where the gentleman were congregating, we cocktailed ourselves and set up our real estate in order to see and be seen. And this is when the fun began.........

Now I think the boy is giving me a huge compliment when he calls me a 'boy magnet', I don't believe this is the case. I have the market cornered on the sweet and shy and innocent look, doe-eyed and such, that when used correctly is a weapon of unimaginable power. The only caveat is that I can only adequately use said weapon at times that are not governed by me.

In any event, as the boy said, he motioned for a gentleman in a full suit to come over to us, and said gentleman proceeded to start molesting Mrs. Jesus and Myself. Thank goodness for Mr. Bartender who told him that in order to touch us he had to take off his clothes.... the gentleman was housed and apparently not able to complete said task. So being the helpful fairy that I am I unbuttoned his shirt, took off his tie (which I put around my neck) and helped him disrobe. I think the guy wasn't sure what hit him as he kinda stumbled off after that.

The rest of the green lantern is a blur of men, shirtlessness and fun, I haven't had such a good time in recent memory and hope to go again at some point.

Apex will always be sadlands to me, and the throng of teenage twinked out children didn't dissapoint. the particulars are still a little blurry to me as I'm nursing my hangover from the comfort of my secret lair but I get the impression I had a good time.

I think that when the Urban Family, Team Lady, and DC Gays of our lives all combine, the force is something to be reckoned with, we apparently have the power to make men give us their accessories.... my next goal? I want some cufflinks!! ..... watch out DC :)

Someone Had a Bit Too Much to Drink Last Night...

...but it wasn't me. I have just received word through the gay grapevine, also known as my phone, that Dale is still muy drunk and has already called out of work today. As I said to Dale when he called me this morning, "Oh Violet Blossom..." I tip my hat to Mr. Bartender, Mrs. Jesus and the Boy. Hopefully you all are fairing a little better.

As much as I'd love to recount the night via Dale's summation (would you rather I talk about my night of working on law school apps?), I'll leave that to him.

In approximately four hours, I'm peacing the bitch known as my office and headin' to Union Station. I'm going up to Philly for the weekend, for what should be a crazy good time. Here's the agenda:

Arrive in the 'burbs around 4, spend some QT with my mom, relax in front of the tv.
Tonight, I'm taking one of my closest friends out to dinner, because she recently got engaged. I'm giving her away in the wedding, and fortunately, with heels on, she'll have at least 6 inches on me. Those pictures will look great, and no, I do not have a Napoleon complex. Anywho, sush is on the menu and it'll be delightful. Possible drunken movie fest to follow.

Saturday I have some errands to run, including buying a gift for my sister and hopefully catching lunch with one of my buddies. While I wish I knew what I were getting for my sister, her birthday will give me an excuse to go to the GREATEST PLACE ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH, the King of Prussia mall. My love for this mall knows no bounds, and it is one of the things I miss most about Philadelphia (especially given the absolutely pathetic shopping in DC). Whether or not I will follow the rabbit even further into the cave known as credit card debt remains to be seen, but I am jonesing for a navy Phillies hat, and possibly some jeans... sneakers... new shirts... shit. Stay tuned.

Late Saturday afternoon, I'm hoping to hang out with some friends from high school who are either visitng as well, or have recently returned to Philly. I haven't seen some of them in years, so I'm very much looking forward to it. Not sure what we're doing, but I hope it involves Pat's, Geno's or Jim's.

Saturday night I'm going out with my sister and all of her friends to celebrate her bday. She's turning 28. I haven't spent my sister's birthday with her since I was in junior high. She was out of state for college the four years I was in high school, then upon her return, I booked for St. Louis for school. I don't know what happened last year, but I didn't go up to see her. Needless to say, I'm very excited. Given the success of "Chip's Fiesta de Cumpleanos" held this past May, expectations are high. My sister is also of the homosexual persuasion, so I'll get my gay fix as we hit up the gayborhood in Philly. Sisters anyone?

Sunday will wrap up my weekend with a lovely family brunch in Manayunk and watching the Eagles beat up on the Cowboys. Train back to DC Sunday evening, and it's time to go out with my roommate and her sister, who's visiting DC this weekend.

Be sure to have fun this weekend!

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Well it was bound to happen sooner or later...........

So last night was another episode into insanity with my elderly Japanese Grandfather and Great Aunt..... oh the joys of arguing with my Great Aunt that I needed to help her get into my car and her yelling at me that she could do it herself....she can't, she's a stubborn, crazy, old goat... and my grandfather turning off his hearing aid so he couldn't hear us argue. sweet.

So we'eve been going to an specific Japanese restaurant in the DC area ever since I can remember, my grandparents know the owners, they came to my cousins wedding and my grandmothers funeral, we go back like a lazy boy. In any event, every time I bring them to said restaurant all the staff come over to say hi, tell them how lucky they are that their grandson is taking care of them etc. etc. etc. (Little do they know I do it for the free sushi!!! momma's on a budget!)

Last night however, a new wrinkle has been brought into the mix. Apparently I've reached the "marrying age" by some unknown asian benchmark that I have yet to determine. In any event the owner came over while we were eating and asked me what I did, I told her. She asked me what I had gone to school for, I told her. She asked me what my plans were etc. I told her, she's a nice little asian lady that gives me free food.... I'm all over it!!

P.S. I tried explaining the gay thing to my grandfather and grandmother and all my great aunts but I don't think that they understand. I told my grandfather I prefer boys to girls and his response was, "of course you do! who wants to be around girls all the time!" and my grandmothers only response was "as long as you boys don't get into any trouble".... sweeeeet.

Anyways, back to the night in question.... the owner then produced a pad and a pen, she wanted my phone number and email address for her daughter. I was dumbfounded, not only because of the brashness of the situation...but honestly, you could roast marshmallows off the flame I produce. My grandfather and great aunt were doing the "I'm smiling cuz I know what's going on but I'm not going to say anything" thing so I very sheepishly put down my parent's home phone number and an email address that I don't use very often. We'll see what develops from this situation but I swear if a picture bride shows up on my front door I'm bleaching my hair blonde and having so much plastic surgery I end up looking like one of Hitlers youth......

Wednesday, October 05, 2005 Accessorize

It seems that the newest accessory this season is a companion. Both of my roomates now have gf's, one has had one steadily since I've known him in college, the other apparently has met a nice communications assistant at his job on the hill and has fashioned a girlfriend out of her. I Met her last night while I was watching the golden girls and having a bud light paired with a snickers bar as a reward for studying for the GRE's. I'm sure she didn't know what to make me with my hair looking like don king, only in some sweatpants all sprawled out and her in her work clothes.... eh I'm not too worried about it.

ANYWAYS, it seems that everyone is pairing off. Now did I miss the memo??? I think it must be a seasonal thing.

I thought I had a viable applicant to my program a couple weeks ago but it turns out upon further review of his application several integral flaws were discovered (the largest of which was that I was trying to like him because he was a nice guy not because I actually liked him), another of which he's a lot shorter than I am... I realize that at 6'2"/6'3" I'm taller than most men, but when you're trying to kiss someone that's like 5'6'"..... yeah it aint gonna happen, I therefore had to let him know that there would be no further review.

I guess it's time to get back in the game, I haven't gone out to a place where I could theoretically meet future applicants unless you count JR's at 2 in the morning or JR's after a kickball game when Chip and I were looking a hot mess..... yeah I don't count either of those instances either. So I guess it's time to dust off my dancing shoes and fight the urge to return time and time again to the wonderful dive bars that constitute adams morgan.

Mourning Mary

Last night I sauntered over to 14th street with some amigas to enjoy what I knew to be a delicious cheeseburger, a delicious half-priced cheeseburger. As I would hope many of you know, Hamburger Mary's offers half-priced cheeseburgers on Tuesdays.

Upon arriving, the typical crowd was assembled chowing down on over-sized portions. I was befuddled to see more than a few people eating things that were not cheeseburgers, but that didn't stop me. After we were seated, however, I was presented with a tan monstrosity... the menu. "But the Hamburger Mary's menu isn't tan" you say. You are correct. I was looking at a "Dakota Cowgirl" menu. I'm sorry, what? That's right, folks. As of last week, Hamburger Mary's is now Dakota Cowgirl. Fortunately, the menu has stayed almost entirely the same, and "Da Cowgirl" still offers half-priced burgers on Tuesday nights.

We asked our waiter to explain the change, but his mumbling response was incoherent at best. So, today I will be mourning Mary. Despite the fact that this change seems to be nothing more than cosmetic, I will need a period to reflect on and adjust to the death of Mary, before I can fully embrace "Da Cowgirl."

Tuesday, October 04, 2005


After reading this article, which was posted by a friend, I'm feeling compelled to speak on this issue. I must warn you: I have the tendency to be very blunt and appear as though I lack sympathy. Please do not make that assumption. Nevertheless, when it comes to the "quarter-life crisis," my general reaction is, 'blah, blah, blah.' It reminds me of those late-night conversations I used to have in my freshman dorm. My friends and I would stay up late talking about anything and everything, believing that these 'deep' conversations would lead us to some epiphany.

I'm a little confused as to why this topic is garnering so much attention. Is there really something that profound in realizing that many of the ideas or expectations you may have had growing up are unrealistic, or worse, just wrong? Isn't that what this is all coming down to? You don't like your job, but who does? Obviously, there are some people who do, in fact, enjoy their jobs. I tip my hat to these individuals, or question their sanity. I also hope to be one of these individuals at some point. You are frustrated with your inability to keep a healthy and fulfilling relationship? Welcome to the club. By no means am I advocating that anyone gives up his pursuit of such things, but I can't help feeling as though these discussions serve little more than to point out the obvious. The first few times I read/heard about the so-called "quarter-life crisis," I too was very interested in the subject. I soon realized however, that this discussion offers very little to any of its participants.

Is this an entitlement issue? Do we believe that we are owed certain things in life? What are these things, and why are we supposed to have them? I almost want to belive that this entire "quarter-life" crisis is the perfect example of thise entitlement issue. We're not at a mid-life crisis yet, but we want everyone to know, and remember, that we're going through some tough times to. The problem is, it ain't gonna get any easier. If I've learned one thing in this past year, that would be it. There is NO finish line, ever. There is no end, only means. I'm reminded of a line from Fight Club as told by Tyler Durden. Unforunately, I forget the wording, but it's something involving a snow flake (any help here?). I'm just as guilty of having these (false?) expectations as anyone else, but I've begun to question what purpose these expectations actually serve. What do you think?

The one part of that essay that stands out is the following:
"Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward."

So, please, let go and move forward.

Then again, maybe this entire post is nothing more than an example of myself experiencing a quarter-life crisis:

"You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not."

Monday, October 03, 2005

Weekend Roundup the best of both worlds

This weekend, at least for me was divided between ultra chill and ultra crazy, much as any weekend should have items from each.....

Friday night I was feeling really low-key, long week etc. etc. and so forth all culminated in a movie/greasy chinese food night with my friend A who had rented two movies for us to watch. Apparently her roommate and one of my other great friends T had suggested that we rent "eating out." Apparently she had heard that this was a really funny movie and something definitely worth seeing. Yeah it turned out to be little more than soft-core gay porn with some horrible HORRIBLE acting interspersed. Now don't get me wrong, the guys in it were really hot but honestly, not something you want to watch A) on a chill evening B)invite friends over to watch said movie with you. A and I pretty much covered our open mouths the entire time as we were wicked shocked!!! Then we decided to turn things around and watched "terms of endearment" which neither of us had ever seen. Now is it just me or is Debra Wingers character mildly retarded in that movie?? just wondering??? Tears were had, wine was poured, and we vented our stresses of the week away...

Saturday after running around georgetown getting the supplies to make A's birthday present, I showed up at her apt. to help her get ready for her blowout birthday party/LSAT taking party (her roomate T had taken the LSAT's on saturday). We got everything together, put on our party attire, welcomed T home, poured her a beer and waited for people to arrive. Soon, as per usual, their party was busting at the seams. Flip cup was being played, people were smoking butts outside on the stoop, awkward conversations between differing factions of friends were being experienced.... quintissential college experience. At some point in the middle of the party I decided to play flip cup, now I'm not usually very good at this game but there was something in the air and I dominated like whoah!!! after about 8 or 9 games of that Chip and I decided to take on all challengers in Beer Pong/Beirut. Who were our first two competitors? these two meathead a#$holes who took one look at me (raging queen) and figured that they had the game pretty much tied up. Chip who served as the mouthpiece for our illustrious organization did the requisite trash talking and we sunk cups like the titanic, needless to say they weren't as excited after that. Then we took on a pair of sorostitutes who thought that by posing behind the beer cups they'd distract us..... silly girls, the only thing that was distracting was the one's HORRIBLE zebra highlight job.... which Chip brough attention to in a way that only he can muster.

Following that Chip and I decided to go to J.R.s, which at 1:30 in the morning is totally etch-a-sketchy. Chip saw some people he knew, I saw some people I wish I didn't know, and soon thereafter I decided to leave Chip and head home.... it's not like I ditched him, he lives like less than 2 blocks away.

Sunday Chip and I grabbed brunch at Bagels etc. YUM!!! and then went to get bloody mary's and sit around. After watching the Phillies/Nat's game with Chip at his apt. and in the process flipped through all the people magazines at his roomates diposal, we went to fox & hound and chilled out and people watched /made fun of. Waited around for our friends T&A who were supposed to be back from a football game at 4:30 but didn't end up coming back till 8:30, we met them for dinner at Front Page, they were amusingly drunk and I wasn't.....shocking I know. Had some dinner and then to home to finally rest.

Today I'm taking a psychological holiday and called in "sick" hopefully it'll be enough to sufficiently recharge my batteries for the long week of meetings and teleconferences ahead..... yikes.