Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Happy New Year......Asian Style


This Chinese New Year (either year 4703 by the Chinese Calendar, 18 by the Japanese Calendar, or 2006 by the Cracker calendar) is the year of the Fire Dog…. Or as I like to appropriately name it…. This year is the year of the FLAMING B*TCH!!! (which obviously means it’s my year!!) Although last year was the year of the Hardwood C*ck, so it’s going from good to better I guessJ.

Last night was the annual celebration that I have with my Grandfather and Great Aunt. They obviously never cease to amaze me with the amount of politically incorrect banter that comes out of their mouths at any point in any social situation. I think they get away with it because you can’t fault old Japanese people, they’re just too effing cute.

I showed up to “the home” to pick them up and my Grandfather wheeled out my Great Aunt in her red, knit, sweater jacket with the oversize brass buttons that EVERY old asian lady has. Old asian ladies have these jackets in every shade of fluorescence known to man btw. On getting into the car my Aunt stopped to check out and re-adjust her wig in the side view mirror…. That made me smile that I come by my diva-ness 100% naturally. PS my aunt is so short she’s actually eye level with the side-view mirror so it makes sense.

We get to the Chinese restaurant, and were promptly ushered into the “Asian People” room of the restaurant which, has an extended menu, because were obvy Asian VIP. I ordered and then we get down to a serious conversation, Michelle Kwan’s chances of getting gold in Torino. Any Asian athlete and were all over it. Who’s family has a scrapbook devoted entirely to Kristi Yamaguchi’s career? Oh that’s right us.

At this point my Great Aunt gets all sixth sense on me. My great aunt is a reverse vampire and gets crazy when the sun goes down, and apparently at this point is able to talk to dead people which is unsettling and creepy to say the least, and talks about relatives that have been dead for 10 years that apparently she “had breakfast with.” PS, apparently my great uncle, her brother, had the nick name of “Sug” pronounced “Shoog” like Suge Knight. Was my Great-Uncle the original gangsta?? All signs definitely point to yes.

We finish our dinner, and there may or may not have been a whole fish on our table at one point, and are served with some sort of Chinese Dessert, to which both my Grandfather and Great Aunt turn their noses up to and say in hushed voices…. “Is this what Chinese people eat?” To which I reply, “Well we are at a Chinese restaurant so it’s a good bet.” And they both scrunch their faces up and push their bowls away... .klass, pure klass. On the way home I ask out loud… “I wonder why it wasn’t more crowded in the main room, and my Grandfather, with all the conviction of a man giving testimony replied…. “Oh I don’t think white people know about Japanese New Year,” Smooth Grandpa, real smooth.

My fortune cookie that obviously dictates my fortune for this year read: “You will maintain good health and enjoy life.” I think I’ll take it J

4 comments:

JP said...

You are so eth-tastic...If anyone can make the year of the flaming bitch their year, It's you. Your optimism is inspiring.

Dale said...

JP: awwww thanks! And I swear that this year will be an improvement if it Kills somebody (not me, I'm too pretty to die)

Washington Cube said...

Given that I blogged about the Year of the Dog, you can tell your grandfather that yes, we do know about it. I was amazed to learn that Bill Clinton and George Bush are both dogs.

Polt said...

Loved the photo. Looks like the Heat Mizer's pet dog.