Thursday, August 04, 2005

La Coterie Des Hommes.... or the gay mans harem..

Inspired by a illuminating post by Kathryn On... I have decided to chronicle the different men that make up Gay relationships, for every gay man, having been around the block once or twice... or like the unfortunate man who goes around 17th st. on his light up roller blades, many many times [*Quick side note, this man does actually exist and I used to gauge how long I'd been at the fox and hound by the number of times he'd come around the block, usually wearing banana yellow pants as well*] has experienced most if not all of these relationships:

The Trick: This is a one night stand, you invariably don't know his last name, it's a toss up if you even get a first name. He doesn't stay the night and you don't have to feel bad about asking him to leave after you have "socialized" with him. If you see him out again after being "social" with him you usually ignore him as he's already served his purpose. Tricks rarely turn into anything more and to expect that is a let down.

The Boyfriend: The boyfriend is someone you date on a semi-regular to regular basis, the boyfriend will hold your hand in public, take you to see sappy movies. You are often seen out with the boyfriend and you introduce him to other people in such a manner. The boyfriend may eventually evolve into the husband but not necessarily. The sex doesn't have to be great, just good. When you break up with this gentleman it's usually a long drawn out process filled with booze and junk food (that is if your diet is different than that to begin with), and seeing them out afterwards is awkward and stilted. You can have more than one boyfriend at a time but not too many as they (especially in DC) will find out about each other.

The Husband: This is the guy that knows you best. He's always available to talk, always willing to come over and hold you and be your pillar of strength. You don't need to have sex with the husband as this relationship fulfills your emotional needs so well. You can have more than one husband in the space of your life but not more than one at a time.

Sister Soldier: These make up your best gay friends, I think besides Chip I have 1 or 2. These are your closest friends that know all your secrets, they know who you've been doing, what you've been drinking, and how you got home (even if you don't remember these facts). They are the ones that will road trip with you at the drop of a hat, make fun of you for wearing the heinous heinous tie dyed shirt, and help you find something more suitable. They are the ones that will get your ass to the gym and then drink the pain from the stairmaster away with you afterwards. They are the most dialed gay people in your cellphone at any time and will sit you down and tell you you're being a jerk if you're being a jerk. You can sleep in the same bed with them without fear of any "misunderstandings" arise and wake up the next morning and go right to brunch. You feel totally comfortable eating the greasiest food in front of them. You would or have rubbed their back when they've had some digestive pyrotechnics and put them in bed.

"Going Out" friends: These are friends that ONLY exist within the confines of a club/bar/lounge/social event. You go out and see them and do the air kisses (twice like the french OBVY) and stand around and basically talk trash with them about everyone else there. They know the bouncers/bartenders/owners or you do and you all pool together your combined social resources to garner free drinks, VIP room passes, and getting drinks poured in the 'big girl cups' (for those of you that have been to nation you should know what I mean). These are friends that may or may not drive you home but there are no social ties outside of the "scene" they don't know about your BF problems or your job. There's no hard feelings if they go home with someone and leave you at the bar, unless they also leave you with the tab in which case you track that ho' down like a dog in the street.

The SD (Sugar Daddy): Now if you fit into the young, doe eyed, and helpless category (Chip would say I fit into this category), you can attract the sugar daddy's. Now in DC those would consist primarily of Lawyers and Corporate Execs who came out in their late 30's early 40's, have more money than they know what to do with and feel that they should use this money to date 20 year olds. They will pay for drinks, vacations, clothes, dinner, theater tickets etc. but it's best to keep the relationship as physical as possible and not emotional. Getting your SD attached to you is a baaad idea and can lead to many awkward conversations that can include.... "do you know you're old enough to have been in HS with my parents?"

That's all I can think of... perhaps after a gay-tacular weekend in Rehomo I'll be able to think of some more....

8 comments:

Kathryn Is So Over said...

Fabulous as always, darlings, loves it!!

I am trying to think of any other categories... clearly you would know better than I would... What about friends who are closer than Going Out Friends, but not one of your two closest Sister Soldiers? For example, my gay bf always talks about "Devoted Bottom Ed," who was a good friend, not a great friend, that he would never hook up with bc they played for the same team, as it were.

Or, what about Tricks that turn into Sister Soldiers? My gay bf met a guy on GayOL for a hook-up, and he became one of his closest, dearest friends after they got it on a couple of times. They never backslid, either.

ANYWAY!

Dale said...

Interesting... I have heard of people hooking up then becoming friends but never firsthand.... it's like wild kingdom! and no backsliding?? that's very rare!!

The line between sister soldiers and going out friends is a personal one I feel, I think it's all about how comfortable you are with the person in question. and all my 'going out friends' play for the same team I do too :)

lividia said...

*sigh* don't the fag hags, fruit flies, or the me-and-my-friend-drunk-at-yet-another-gay-bar-coined PRO-'MO-HO'S even get an honourable mention? colour me sadd! :-P

Dale said...

Oh there are a whole gamut of Male Female relationships that I will get into at a later date... this post was on the Gay Male/Gay Male relationships... Never Fret Firefly...

Miss Penny Lane said...

What about the Trolls who just WANT to be a Trick??

Dale said...

ew, those are relegated to No relationship land, you don't acknoweledge their existence in any way shape or form...fortunately/unfortunately gay society exists on a class system and most people know their range of possibilities.

The Boy said...

Thank you for the beautiful translation. You hit the nail on the head. Beautiful.

Complacent Chase said...

Another great one...I love it!