Tuesday, August 16, 2005

The Great Gay Mating Dance….. or the Fairy Fandango

While at Rehomo, land of awkward older men in more than awkward square cuts, consuming entirely too much rail booze for their own good I observed in great detail the Fairy Fandango in a myriad of different forms but when broken down to it’s more basic components

The Prep: this is the time when one uses ‘product,’ one participates in wardrobe changes with your sister soldiers, gelling each and every hair into place. This is also the time when some in the gay male culture utilize their makeup skills to transform their face into a rouged up, blushed out eyeliner having array of craziness…I’m opposed to making anything on my face glisten, but that’s a personal preference.

The Entrance: It’s always nice to make an entrance, and to do a walking tour of the bar/club before setting up camp somewhere, it also allows you to adequately market yourself (don’t trip) and point out potential gentleman whom you may want to get to know better.

Real Estate Accrual: Upon entering the bar you want to be in a place where you can adequately survey the surroundings and at the same time be in a place that you will be seen in a good light. This spot can be near the bar and should never be under a colored light which can make you look like a serial killer (one time this guy came up to me after I saw him standing underneath a red light looking like he wanted to eat my liver with fahva beans a nice chianti…. Yeah I call him Scary Gary for a reason)

Making Eye Contact:
Surveying the situation you see a potential individual with whom you would like to socialize with…and take socialize in whatever context you may. Making eye contact is key and once you do the half smile or the wink is key, also key is the subtle eyelash bat, I prefer the half smile, it’s playful, it’s fun, and it lets you know interest, although showing too much teeth makes you seem like a goober and should be avoided if possible.

The Hunt: The hunt has several substeps, the mount, the floor routine, and the dismount……

The Mount: Either you are approached or you approach the subject in question, usually starting with awkward conversation of the “hey my name’s XXX, I haven’t been out in ages, have you been in DC long?” or my personal favorite.. “What are you drinking?... mind if I taste?? Yum I think I’ll get one of those” or something equally complimentary to the persons taste.

The Floor Routine: This will consist of awkward conversation segueing into real conversation, or by that time in the evening when conversation isn’t exactly at the top of your list, dancing, and when I say dancing I mean some booty shaking hip grinding dancing, I’m a big fan, and from my experience has always served me well in “garnering interest”

The Dismount: Comes at the end of the night, are you going home with him/he with you, if this is to happen transportation has to be decided on and if you don’t have wheels he BETTER be metro accessible or someones going to be pissed when they have to drive to Potomac on Saturday morning…..not that that’s ever happened to me? Or are you going to exchange phone numbers and maybe make a decision when you haven’t had 3 long island ice teas and a three wise man shot? Or are you going to leave him without a phone number and a coy “maybe I’ll see you out again sometime +smile” Decisions decisions decisions.

Gay society, being fickle as it does, allows for pitfalls to happen at every and all steps during this process, do you smile too much or not enough? Did you bathe in the wrong cologne and smell a little too much like you’ve got something to hide? Does your dancing make you look like a retarded orangutan on crack? The possibilities are endless, and they wonder why there are still so many Gay men sleeping alone……..

9 comments:

DC Cookie said...

This sounds like it might be true for ladies as well - with one key differential. For girls, the entrance usually includes 'the entourage' of at least three other women. Girls are afraid to walk into bars alone.

Dale said...

See I don't like walking into a bar with people, but I like meeting up with people at the bar, thus allowing for the security of being in a group while still being able to being approached individually.

A Unique Alias said...

I'm also a member of the "stroll in alone" crowd. Then again, unlike women, I don't get immediately targeted by every pair of male eyes in the bar.

Well . . . depending on the bar, I guess. :-D

Anonymous said...

You have a lot of time on your hands... instead of documenting how pathetically superficial and worthless gay culture is, why not be different and not act the way you describe on your blog?

Dale said...

A) I didn't say anything in my post was pathetic or worthless, just an observation

B) Chill pill, take one...

C) The observation was not meant to mirror my actions.

Anonymous said...

A) I didn't claim you said anything in your post was pathetic or worthless. I did.

B) I'm chilled. Don't worry.

C) After reading your blog, the observation very much seems to mirror your actions.

Stereotypes are there for a reason, eh?

Dale said...

You're right anonymous, I do have a lot of time on my hands, such is the profession in which I reside. And making general comments on human behavior hardly documents each instance in which one interacts with people in social situations. Also, this specific blog pretty adequately describes "dating" culture in general not just gay..

Anonymous said...

Clearly you're missing my point... enjoy the time on your hands. Meanwhile, I'll be blogging about things that actually matter.

Asian Mistress said...

I feel it should be floor routine, mount, dismount...sexually speaking of course.

Hahah.