Wednesday, November 30, 2005

From the desk of Dale

These are several letters that I would like to write in order to express my "feelings", which I put into quotations due to the theoretical nature of any "emotions" I may have.

Dear Asian gym queen at Ballys,
Please refrain from wearing your princess leia headphones at the gym. They aren't cute. Also please refrain from giving dirty looks to people such as myself who look like a scrub at the gym just because you spend 20 minutes beforehand in the locker room fixing your hair before you come out. Honestly even if you spent 20 hours in front of the mirror it wouldn't help the genetic disaster that is your face. Thx. oh another ps..... red shorts and a yellow sleeveless T doesn't equal a cute outfit on you, it equals an ad for McDonalds Shanghai.

Dear Barbara Wa Wa,
Please consult a physician, it's obvious you have had a stroke. Anyone who names Camilla, duchess of Cornwall (from here on and forever after referred to as Countess Horseface) as the most interesting person of 2005 should have at the very least a CAT scan, not to mention a cocktail for making such a baaaad decision.
Kisses, call me for that primetime interview lata.

Contestant #1,
Your lack of enthusiasm and zeal has been observed and noted in my file of your performance thus far. The inability to perform many of the duties that I expect in my contestants, which include the ability of physical contact in public, the inability to make a definitive choice on restaurant selection or movie or most activities, has made me weary. And I dont' know what you've heard in the past but you aren't pretty enough for me to overlook said grievances. You are not entirely ruled out but be forewarned that you are by no means on solid ground with me. Please change your behavior and start showing some excitement or I will have to end your contract and send you home sans parting gifts.

Rachel Ray,
I wish I had your energy. That being said your neverending smile and made up words such as Sammies, Scrambles, and EVOO annoy me in ways comparable to my hatred for poly-vinyl blends. For the love of god please take a quaylude before getting in front of the camera. The fact that you can make meals in under 30 minutes is wonderful and something that I admire, but please don't come up all in my face with that chipmunk on cocaine thing you've got going on..... thx.


JP said...

Finally, Someone who shares my sentiments on Rachel Ray.
Look Rachel, EVOO isn't "sweeping the nation" as you'd hoped, so drop it. The way I can tell is that you have to say "extra virgin olive oil" after everytime you say it. Bitch Please! And there are People who eat Crystal Meth for Breakfast and don't use words like "yummo!" It leads one to wonder if you're an idiot savante.
Sorry to hear your woes on Cont #1. Sounds like he's actin like a drip to see what you'll put up with. Gotta learn the boundaries! I'll hold your gold, break him off a piece.

aklsdjhfa said...

I am going to unleash the unholiest jihad on anyone who speaks negatively of Rachel Ray.

Consider yourself warned.

Dudley said...

Yeah, I'm going to have to tag team back again w/Chip on this one. I LOOOOOOOOVE RACHAEL RAY! She's a spazz after my own heart.

Dale said...

Even though I love Chip and Dudley like asians love soy sauce I can't get behind rachel ray. She's too perky for me to deal with, and I operate at hummingbird-like energies.

I'm much more of a "two fat ladies" kind of guy.... two old english women that use a pound of butter in everything and by the end of each episode are visibly drunk..... now THAT's cooking.

Mid-Atlantic Gentleman said...

I concur with Dale on Rachel Ray. She's low brow. I'm a Barefoot Contessa queen myself.

JP said...

Don't pull off your Lee Press-on Nails just yet. I'm not begrudging Rachel's skills, and she cooks up some stuff you actually have a remote chance of throwing together too. She is a dynamo in the kitchen, but spazztastic! For real tho. Two fat laides, though loopy and fun, Where am I gonna find the goose fat they want me to use to fry up a salad? They win on entertainment, and lose on function. Rachel=just the opposite.
Please don't hate.

Dop said...

I L-O-V-E-D the two fat ladies and their motorcycle and sidecar. A pound of lard in everything (although the mutton additive made me sick). I like Rachel Ray in a "she looks like she plays field hockey" kinda way. My personal favorite is Paula Dean because she reminds me so much of my mother. In short, I guess I have no real opinion here, except that I love your blog.

Dale said...

MAG: Totally on the Barefoot Contessa tip, she's faboo.

jp: of course obviously the two fat ladies lose on function where RR wins... but honestly I don't ever watch cooking shows for the reality value, or Iron Chef wouldn't be my favorite!!!

DOP: the santa hat is totally priceless!! I've been reallllly good this year, whatcha got in your sack for me?

Berry-licious said...

I feel the same exact way about Rachel Ray. I can't even get through her show. She does have some great recipe ideas and quick kitchen tips, which I will only accept in written form. Saw a news story on her a few weeks ago and I must say she didn't irk me as much as she usually does - they must have given her a tranqualizer. At this point I can only compare her to Katie Couric - only in small doses please!

ps-dale, please tell me you're making an appearance tonite

Dop said...

Dale - it's early in the season and my sack is very full. Come sit on my lap and we can talk about anything that pops up.

Dale said...

Dop- I think that might get me on the naughty list pretty quickly, however everyone likes receiving suprise gifts!