These are several letters that I would like to write in order to express my "feelings", which I put into quotations due to the theoretical nature of any "emotions" I may have.
Dear Asian gym queen at Ballys,
Please refrain from wearing your princess leia headphones at the gym. They aren't cute. Also please refrain from giving dirty looks to people such as myself who look like a scrub at the gym just because you spend 20 minutes beforehand in the locker room fixing your hair before you come out. Honestly even if you spent 20 hours in front of the mirror it wouldn't help the genetic disaster that is your face. Thx. oh another ps..... red shorts and a yellow sleeveless T doesn't equal a cute outfit on you, it equals an ad for McDonalds Shanghai.
Dear Barbara Wa Wa,
Please consult a physician, it's obvious you have had a stroke. Anyone who names Camilla, duchess of Cornwall (from here on and forever after referred to as Countess Horseface) as the most interesting person of 2005 should have at the very least a CAT scan, not to mention a cocktail for making such a baaaad decision.
Kisses, call me for that primetime interview lata.
Your lack of enthusiasm and zeal has been observed and noted in my file of your performance thus far. The inability to perform many of the duties that I expect in my contestants, which include the ability of physical contact in public, the inability to make a definitive choice on restaurant selection or movie or most activities, has made me weary. And I dont' know what you've heard in the past but you aren't pretty enough for me to overlook said grievances. You are not entirely ruled out but be forewarned that you are by no means on solid ground with me. Please change your behavior and start showing some excitement or I will have to end your contract and send you home sans parting gifts.
I wish I had your energy. That being said your neverending smile and made up words such as Sammies, Scrambles, and EVOO annoy me in ways comparable to my hatred for poly-vinyl blends. For the love of god please take a quaylude before getting in front of the camera. The fact that you can make meals in under 30 minutes is wonderful and something that I admire, but please don't come up all in my face with that chipmunk on cocaine thing you've got going on..... thx.