Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Swimsuit Critique 2k5

So... the summer being in full swing it's about high time that we discuss appropriate beach attire being as how July-August are the prime beach months with which to sun, see and be seen, and swim.... although usually the swimming is only done so that you get wet and then be seen... I mean c'mon

The Board Short: The board short is primarily worn by surfers and guys who think they're abercrombie and fitch models... key word being THINK... These shorts usually come past the knees, sit very low on the body thereby exposing much of the abdominals/lower back, you can even get in some butt cleave when they get wet. Now I'm not a fan of these personally, they create awkward tan lines and don't allow for the showing of the leg as much, however these seem to be very popular on the less adventurous

The Volley Short: The volley short comes to about mid-thigh and is usually made of a lighter material than the board short, commonly seen when one is watching the oh so delightful lifeguards run down the beach. This is probably the most worn swimwear by your average gay male at the beach because it'll cling to the right places when wet while providing coverage that will maintain modesty.

The Square-Cut Speedo: This is, in my opinion, the most abhorrent piece of swimwear known to man. The cut of this piece of swimwear does not flatter anyone's body no matter how much of a body you have. Since it wears like boxer briefs except usually skin tight it creates an awkward and usually tight tan lines on the upper thigh and seeing as how many men pull them up so that the bottom of the suit comes as high as possible, they end up looking awkward as the top of the swimsuit cuts off their upper body, and covers up much of the lower abs.... and I don't know about you guys but seeing the V-shaped love muscles sets my heart a flutter.

The Speedo: Now the speedo has been worn by athletes (Michael Phelps YUM), Europeans (usually not quite so yum but whatever), and Gay men the world over. This is perhaps my favorite piece of swimwear, having grown up in an area where as soon as you were old enough to stand up you were on a swim team I grew up in a speedo so I don't have the modesty issues normally associated with speedo-phobia, plus I don't really have any modesty issues as I've been known to dance on my share of platforms/poles/men while inebriated. The speedo, when worn for a while creates a great tan line while showing off all the important parts of the male anatomy.... the butt, the abs, the legs, not to mention other areas. Although it must be noted that if you have any type of personal issues with the way you look naked , you should not wear this piece of swimwear as any fat/imperfections will be noticeable..... a la fat frenchman who look like someone has wrapped a rubber band around the bottom of a pear when they wear speedos. I'm pretty sure I look like I've escaped from a war torn country and starved for several months in a speedo..... but I've made peace with that.

Thongs: Ew, please do NOT wear a thong... yes we know you have an ass, I do not need to be directly face to face with it. Thongs offer little to no support in the region on the front which leads to you looking like your all types of sagging and combine that with any type of motion makes one want to toss one's cookies.... so please please for the love of gucci don't wear a thong.

With that critique in mind, go, sun, swim, surf, have fun at the beach, and may you always be seen in flattering lighting.

7 comments:

The Boy said...

I was also raised on/in water, and we have another way of doing things. And Dale, I don't know how you're going to feel about this. I actually do a combo: a speedo underneath a higher cut board short (one that falls between the length of a volley short, and that of a traditional boardshort). I like this for two reasons: The support a speedo offers, accompanied by the modesty of a short and it's fun to wear a contrasting colored speedo, so the very top of the speedo peaks through and draws attention to the waste.

aklsdjhfa said...

what about sun-bathing in the nude? Despite the fact that my experiences with such have been limited to being in North Jersey surrounded by the New York / Philly bear population, it was actually quite nice, and TOTALLY elimiates the tan line issue. I know Dale and I disagree on this, but tan lines are NOT cute, no matter where they are.

Dale said...

OOh very very good, I definitely rocked the Speedo/umbro soccer short combination on several occasions... and have done the speedo with the contrasting running shorts that are are short enough so that when they move some part of the speedo shows... it's a good thing.

The Boy said...

oops, I actually meant to write 'waist'.....(my grammar and spelling have been off for the past couple of days, I suppose my mind is still at the beach, where it will physically be again this weekend).

I think tan lines are inevitable....

I don't really care for nude beaches...more bad than good.....

Dale said...

Nude beaches= been there done that, not impressed.... I think it's a lot hotter to leave some thing to the imagination

tan lines are inevitable and definetly call attention to the area at which you are trying to market.... I will be down at Rehomo pretty much every weekend in august... and some weekdays too!! *cough cough* I think I'm sick...can't come in on monday....

aklsdjhfa said...

I need to clarify my previous comment: I am not a fan of nude sun-bathing, but rather the result it achieves. Granted, a slight tan line in *certain areas* is inevitable, as has been pointed out, but it's much more subtle (and thus less of a turn-off) then a drastic line around one's waist and legs.

Oh, that girl. said...

LOVE! LOVE! LOVE! THE V-SHAPED LOVE MUSCLE!!!!!