Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Oh where oh where has dale gone......

Just in case you're about to sit down to eat before reading this post...... don't.

Sorry my little duckies.... momma's food poisoning... yes, food poisoning and not e.coli infection has knocked her on her ass with this charmer going from couch... to bed... to the bathroom... to the bathroom....to the bathroom... to the bathroom. PS when you throw up pure bile it really does look like you've swallowed a highlighter. However thankfully I've begun to be on the mend however I don't think I'll be needing to do any ab exercises for the rest of the decade. Also another tip from me to you, if you get pure bile on any fabric it will act like pure bleach so you might want to tie your hair back and not wear anything billowy, or nice.

I feel like I'm basically the poster child for the weird ass diseases and injuries...... here's a little tasteroo...


Picture it.... I'm 7, I get a fun condition called toxic synovitis.... can't walk for a week because my hips and knees are so inflamed from the viral infection in my joints that I look like one of those sally struthers kids..... (I may or may not have told the school nurse when I was 10 that I had this condition again and she may or may not have believed me and called my nanny to take me home)

Fast Forward...... I'm 16, I've been a platform diver for at least 5 years. I'm up doing my thing on the 10m platform, which while 32.81 feet in the air doesn't sound like THAT much, when you're up there it's pretty effing high. So I run... I jump.... I do my flippy doo, and I go into the water when all of a sudden my chest is KILLING me and I can't move my left arm, so starting to freak out I go to the side of the pool and my mom has to take me to the ER where they discover that I've...... yup.... popped a hole in my lung, which apparently happened because of the change in air pressure...... it healed by itself but it wasn't the sweetest time in life.

Fast forward again....... I'm 18, and a freshman in college.... I'm having chinese food with some friends and were also sharing this experience with a bottle of pinot noir. I get asked to open the bottle and being the genius I am put my chopsticks in my mouth lengthwise...... yank on the cork with the ghetto corkscrew.... the cork pops out hits the chopsticks which then pierce the lining of the back of my throat... all of a sudden my throat and mouth are really warm.... and then it hits me, because they're filling up with blood.... another trip to the ER and some bandagey stuff later and the doctor starts laughing at me for being such a re re.

Fast forward once more.... I'm 19 and taking an intensive course that lasts 6 weeks called Cellular and Molecular Biology or Cell Hell, 4 hours of lecture in the morning followed by 4 hours of lab in the afternoon with an exam every friday. Sweet, so obviously sleep and good nutrition were not paramount to me and I subsisted on a diet of coffee, ciggarettes, and nutra grain bars. In any event this lady then contracted an ulcer which got infected and I developed a nice little viral infection on top of that, I just thought I had a stomach ache and went on my merry way.... until the morning I couldn't get out of bed because all my stomach muscles had seized and I couldn't move.... so I called the ambulance which drove me 4 yes 4, blocks to the hospital... The cherry on this sundae? While convalescing I made the hospital staff drive me to class every day and to lab in the afternoon and wheeled me around in my wheelchair, IV dangling. Did I get a B+ in that class? you bet your a$$ I did.

I know this saga is far from over..... and I also know that while I'll survive all of this, someday I'll be old and gray and richer than elizabeth taylor and oprah combined, I'll choke on a cherry pit and die..... I just hope I'm wearing clean underwear.

4 comments:

Cornelius said...

Did Lady barf on her Elizabethan lace cravat???

copperred said...

So this hole in the back of your throat, did it eliminate your gag reflex?

Ulcer? I can do without her, she's done me plenty this year.

JP said...

JEEZ! Honey you have been born under a bad sign...You should go and have your aura cleansed thoroughly...

Dale said...

C: darlin, I haven't had a gag reflex since long before that ha ha ha. Yeah ulcers are busted

JP: I guess so... although I always seem to turn out ok so maybe it's just an awkward sign.