Wednesday, September 13, 2006

The Crazy Convention is apparently in town

When it rains it pours I guess.... Either that or I'm releasing some sort of pheremone that says... if you are sketchy, mentally unbalanced, or just plain weird then please not only approach me but please hit on me with awkward overtures.

Now this is why I don't do the internet dating thing. Sure, it works for many people, I know of several successful relationships that have been products of the internet. I however, am not one of those people. The last time I tried to do the internet dating thing, the gentleman in question thought that I was a hooker and asked me how much I'd charge for a night, so good track record I don't have.

Anyways so when I got a message on the Gay Registry, I was a bit wary. 27, grad student..... seemed pretty inocuous.

Now for those of you that aren't in the know, I'll pretty much talk to a doorknob if I think it'll listen so obviously in an effort to combat boredom I emailed this gentleman back, with very platonic, very non-suggestive language just asking him about his grad. degree, where he lived, etc. etc. and so forth.

.........................And then I got the email yesterday that convinced me that in fact, the baby jesus has sent me yet another sign that internet dating is not for this lady.

1). He started going on and on about how he was so excited to be going to his Bible Study yesterday. Now you know what, religion is a great thing, I prescribe to it, however Bible study creeps me out, I get the image of one of those David Koresh/Polygamist Mormon Camps in my head where the women all look like little house on the prairie and the children all look like they're the product of inbreeding (small hands.... like carnies). I'm convinced he speaks in tongues or some such nonsense.

2). Within the next two sentences he said one of his amateur talents is massage and that "perhaps being a hard working boy I'd like one sometime." Now if your skin didn't crawl at that you are cold and dead on the inside. Maybe he's trying to lure me to his den of iniquity to cast out the gay demons in my soul..... or maybe he's just sketchy and trying to touch me in my no no spot.

I then promptly replied with the..... thank you for your offer (politeness always) but the only people I accept massages from are within institutions that have the word S-P-A at the end of their names, while I'm sure that you have received compliments from other people in the past on your massage talents, I don't think I will be benefitting from said skills. Also, while I have been known to attend church (sometime in the last decade), Bible study is kinda creepy. Thank you for your interest and I'm sorry to say that our interaction will now be reduced to not at all.

P.S. I'm convinced that the baby jesus has been f*cking with me recently, in the past two weeks I've dealt with this winner, mr. man that thought I was a stripper, one ex who wanted to apologize for winning the a$$hole of the year award, another ex that left me a very lewd txt message, and a certain gentleman that's been trying to have sex with me since I was 17 leave me a VERY lewd txt and two voicemails...... I better be winning the lottery or something cuz this is just ridiculous.

P.P.S. - Bebar? Charging a cover for a bar in BFE? lol. Charging a VIP fee for access to a private room?? in DC? LOL. Plus if I wanted to pay for overpriced watered down drinks while standing around preening I'd go to Halo.... at least from there I can go across the street to Whole Foods and get a spicy tuna roll.


The Boy said...

Cover? In DC? At a bar? at Mt. Vernon Square? On a weeknight? Me thinks some queen done lost her mind up in that piece.

Parker Livingston said...

was there really a cover on a weeknight there??? they must be stopped.

Dale said...

TB: mmmmmmhmmmm I think the term Dead on Arrival will soon be used for BeBar, besides if I'm going to put my life endanger I sure as hell won't be paying a cover to do so.

Parker: Yeah on a scale from one to bad idea that was a baaaaaaad idea on their part.

JP said...

I had Churchy McBiblethump in my home installing a recessed electric mcthingy and he proceeds to lecture me about Speaking in tongues. I sh*t you not...I had to stop him...
"I'm a Druid"
"DRUID!" AS if to call him ignant.
"what's that?"
"I worship trees." That put the conversation to screeching halt. I highly recommend it.

Anonymous said...

I don't guess any of us Barclay girls will be checking this place out. Thanks for saving me the walk.

P.S. Maybe you had better throw a dollar into the DC treasury and risk a powerball ticket. This might be the seventh sign! (Or was that Ashton Kutcher at the premier of The Guardian? Demi...Ashton who knows......)
- Dub at the Barclay

Mark said...

Glad to see you've got the "Automatic Disqualification" in your rule book, too...