Friday, September 22, 2006

Friday Five..... Why I heart my college straight bf's

As the fall comes and the air starts to get a bit cooler I'm reminded of taking the 12 hour trip up to New England to college in my beautiful beautiful Buick Lesabre (her name is Bertha).... and if you don't think it's a sweet ride then you are incorrect sir. I was happy to get away from the rents, looking forward to seeing all my friends whom I hadn't seen all summer, but the people I was most happy to see were my straight boyfriends.

I'm not what ignorant people would call "straight acting" and for all intents and purposes these guys should have never been friends with me. However at a freshman party one year they were all in the room and knowing not many people except people on the swim team I was quietly sipping my beer in a corner when one of them came over to me.... picture it, 6'5", 250 pounds of New England grade A football craziness comes over to me and yelled over the din.. "Hey, Are you gay?".... the entire room went silent, and instead of being scared and running away (which probably may have been the smarter decision given the environment) I stood up, looked him straight in the eye and said "Why? are you looking for a date because I'm flattered but you're honestly not hot enough." ALLL the other guys started laughing and I had ingratiated myself. ANYWAYS, for the next four years these guys were my best friends, so it was about 10 guys from the football team averaging about 6'4" and 200 pounds a piece.... and then me who, soaking wet, barely breaks 150. Here are 5 little gems that I treasure about my straight boyfriends.

1). Showing up at parties with these guys and having at least one of them say "if anybody messes with you we'll F*ck them up.... just tell us." mmmhmmm who traveled with security even in college??? that's right b*tches that's how I roll.

2). On more than one occassion this lady may have been a little inebriated and mayhaps wanted to fall asleep wherever I happened to be. Being the good straight boyfriends they were I may have been slung over one of these guys shoulders, they may or may not have tucked me in more than once. I always would repay them..... obvy with a case of natty bo.

3). Sometimes we'd go to other colleges and we may or may not have challenged some of these guys to drinking games, they'd get to pick someone on our team and we'd pick someone on their team to go shot for shot..... for whatever reason (6'3" and 150 pounds) I'd get picked and I'd go up against some guy with something to prove..... and inevitably the only thing he'd prove was that tequila looks very similar coming back up than what it looked like going down.

4). Two of my football buddies, I convinced to take hip hop dance class with me..... I may have also convinced them to participate in the performance at the end of the year. I may or may not have told everyone and their mother. They may have had to turn people away at the auditorium because there were so many people that it would have been a fire hazard. We may or may not have gotten a standing O. One of them may or may not have given a speech at graduation where me convincing him to take a dance class was featured prominently.

5). I definitely instituted the first ever drag show at my school to benefit the local gay youth organization. I definitely performed my first year in 4 inch stiletto black leather boots, a mini skirt and a bright pink wig. PS I make one UUUUGGGGLLLLLY woman. I made them all come as I, along with a nice lesbian friend did our rendition of Michael Jackson's "the way you make me feel." I definitely had a wonderful time and they were all there in attendance offering their drunken support. Afterwards needing to blow off some steam I mayhaps have had too much to drink and was relieving my stomach in the toilet with one of them holding my fake wig back.... and said.... wow, I never thought I'd be holding a drag queen's hair back while she puked... this is kinda weird. It probably would have been funnier if I wasn't booting all over.

So while I love my gay friends and wouldn't trade them in for the world, the crisp air makes me want to open a Natty Bo, put on my hoodie and sweats aka my drinking clothes, and sit down with my straight boys.


copperred said...

1 makes me weak at the knees. Gotta love a girl who knows how to keep the beef in line and in her circle.

jimbo said...

You drink, you like football - have you considered trying your hand at playing rugby?