Dear 19 year old that I had the unfortunate experience of being introduced to last night,
You are obviously not 28 as you claimed. You are probably not even legal to be at the establishment at which you were introduced to me. You should have gathered by my demeanor that A). my polite hello was to be the extent of our interaction [bow, introduce, move on is standard protocol] B). If you think showing up with a man that had to be in his late 40's while I can still smell your mom's milk on your breath wasn't going to raise our regal eyebrow then you were wrong. C). I may have given you the benefit of the doubt had I not seen you at JR's literally bouncing/jumping up and down when [insert random dance remix of 80's pop song here] came on. D). When, after all that and the fact that you ordered the girliest drink in life, I decided to take you down a peg and asked you how you celebrated labor day and you said [insert late 40's man name here] took you to the beach and I said.... "oh, did you forget to leave your white belt under the boardwalk?? cuz you're wearing it and let me check my watch.... yup.... just as I thought.... it's after labor day." So sweet little child, please stop jumping/bouncing at JR's, don't buy your accessories at Claires, and for the love of cher please don't get your eyebrows done by someone who apparently doesn't like you very much. Also..... don't act like you can roll with the big dogs baby child cuz I will own you and make you cry.
Dear Man in Late 40's who is dating the 19 year old,
Please don't parade him around like a toy poodle and pretend like it's impressive.... it's not. At this point I'd equate your actions to the "come here small child, I've got a drink for you and it tastes delicious!" line of reasoning. I'm not above accepting tributes to our person in the form of adult beverages however, I'm also not a, wearing a white belt after labor day, using words like fierce in every other sentence combined with "that's hot," and having conversations that seem to center around how fierce christina's new single is or how hot his new outfit from contempo casual is. Honestly if you want to recapture your youth, recapture YOURS, not someone elses.... oh and I think it'd work faster if you just outright sucked the blood out of his body. just saying.
Dear Senator George Allen,
So apparently when y'all were sitting round your upper middle class christmas dinner growing up as a family in your nice little heterosexual norman rockwell world it would never occur to you that, in fact, your momma was raised a north african jew. Hmmm gay marriage aint looking so bad now huh Georgey, cuz it aint gonna be too long before some reporter goes back to Tunisia and finds some little black baby that you share your wonderful close-minded genetic legacy with. I can see your next campaign ad now..... Vote for George Allen, for, like great men before him, he too is a white man with black relatives!!