Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Oh hellllllz no

So ok, I may have been stopped on the Street walking home one evening before we decided to travel to our country home this past weekend and was stopped by a gentleman who was not wholly unattractive who said he'd seen me out before and was wondering if I was on my way to a place where he could buy me a beverage. I was in more of a "disney movie and pj's" type of place but didn't want to brush him off, I gave him my phone number..... I really shouldn't have done that.

Sunday morning rolled around and I check my phone and see that I have a missed call from an unknown 202 number so it being brunchy time and I being sated with leftover chinese food and a mimosa I return said phone call.

Mmmhmm it turns out he was getting off of work at 4 in the morning when he called and just wanted to drop me a line.... who the poo does that??? Strike one.

Turns out he is a bouncer at a straight club that is not located in the NW quadrant of our fair city. Turns out when probed for which straight club he wouldn't name the club when I asked which one. Turns out that would be a side job for his primary job as a construction worker.... sketchiness factor for being shady has been elevated and we have a strike two.

So I asked him where he'd seen me out before, I was thinking it'd be along the lines of a JR's or L'Auriol Plaza or even maybe a Fox & Hounds sighting...... turns out I was wrong and the following convo is evident.

Me: So where'd you see me out? (thinking JR's probably in my head)

Sketch Master Flex (SMF): Oh I think I saw you dancing a while ago.

Me: (Thinking to myself that I haven't been to Sadlands or Hobalt in months) Oh really? I don't think I've been dancing in a really long time.

SMF: Oh it was pretty recent, it was probably Wet or Fuego or something.

Me: Ummm those are strip clubs though, not much of a dancefloor, plus the last time I was at a Strip club was for 20 minutes in January.

SMF: No you were on the stage, you're a stripper right??

Me: (Heat rising, eyes bulging out as I hear this over the phone) I'm sorry, I don't think I heard you correctly..... you think I'm a what??

SMF: A stripper, I could have sworn I've seen you onstage at Wet at least

Me: I'm sorry, I have never, and will never be a stripper, not that there is anything wrong with shaking all the blessings you've received from the baby jesus however I will never be part of that professional group.

SMF: Oh. Well if you're free I'd still like to take you out for a drink sometime.

Me: I'm sorry, I don't believe that will be happening in the forseeable future, maybe you should go back to wet and try to find whomever you thought I was originally.

Strike Three

P.S. - I'm still on the fence about if being mistaken for a stripper is a compliment or an insult. I either look like I could be paid for taking my clothes off or a cracked out boat person like in "Fame"....... *sobbing* fame!.....I wanna live forever......


Kathryn Is So Over said...

I'd take it as a compliment. Clearly that "dancer" got your caller all hot and bothered and a place in his memory bank. When he saw you, he found you equally hot and bothersome and memorable.

That you would not choose to associate with said caller should not lessen the compliment.

Parker Livingston said...

i would take it as a compliment too. and the call and 4am tells me he wanted you to take something else as well. it was a booty call!

i wouldn't be upset that some guy thinks you're "that type." it sounds like he's a closet case and thinks that all the gays just throw their legs in the air at the slightest provocation.

was he hot???

JP said...

Dear Ms. Sugarbaker,
So glad you read him the riot act. The fact that your have a haunting fierceness about you shocks no one, my cherub, no one. If you do perhaps go out with this disaster, tell no one and make sure that he believes you when you say that you were kidding earlier and are in fact the aforementioned stripper. That way when he becomes completely Stalker Channing over you, you have someone who can take the bullet for you...the real stripper...It'll be just like Three's company, the one that was just a big misunderstanding...

Dale said...

Kathryn: I think spank bank is probably a better term for whatever image this guy had in his mind.

Parker: Meh he wasn't horrific looking, I wouldn't necessarily be ashamed to be seen in public with him...nice body. And I'm not so sure he's a closet case, he was after all, on his way to JR's when he stopped me in the first place. ha ha ha booty calls, how very 2002.

JP: I don't believe I will be entertaining this gentleman with my physical precense. HOwever now I'm kind of intrigued to see what person looks enough like me, and happens to be a stripper, that it would prompt someone to stop me in the street to ask for my number. Ahhh threes company, Mrs. Roper was always my favorite.....

Cornelius said...

...you're gonna live forever, you're gonna learn how to fly, HIGH!!!

Mark said...

I was done at Strike One... In my rulebook, there is such a thing as an "Automatic Disqualification."