Thursday, September 28, 2006

It's not me..... it's you

Another installment from the Dale school of etiquette for the gay over-financed and under-fabulous...... how to break up with someone.

Now break-ups need only be termed as someone with whom you've been dating, not screwing, for more than a month. Any socialization that is based primarily on sex isn't dating, unless the sex happened after the second date and is always prefaced by a meal and cocktails. Anything else is termed just "socializing" and no formal goodbye is needed to end such liasions, just the inability to pick up phone calls/texts and the inability to recognize the other's presence in a public place.

Now onto the breakup.

First things first, don't be that guy, do it in person. Unless you are out of the country for an extended period of time do it in person. Karma's a b*tch and it will come round to bite you in the bum. Besides, doing it in person denotes a modicum of feeling toward the gentleman being let go from your organization even if said feeling has withered and died like Paula Abdul's singing career.

Secondly, don't do it over a meal. Doing it over a meal will force you to be with this person for an extended and usually awkward period of time, besides it will detrimentally affect your appetite. Oh and don't include large amounts of alcohol into the mix, then the chances of your spilling some tid bit become higher like....... "you know the way your [insert anatomy here] is really oddly shaped"....... I prefer a coffee shop or patio, cocktails are fine just don't overdo.

Thirdly, look them straight in the eye when you're laying down the law, you aren't embarassed, you shouldn't be ashamed, you're doing what you need to do. Besides if you're already looking them in the eye they can't pull the... "Just look me in the eye and say you don't care for me anymore" routine. That line always makes me laugh and that REALLY didn't go over well.

Fourthly, don't bring ANYONE elses name into the conversation, the situation, be it for whatever reason, has to do with you and the gentleman caller. If there is someone else involved (i.e. cheating) always refer to them using pronouns and never names.

Fifthly, don't use cliches, there are specific reasons why you are doing what you're doing, and unless they involve some freaky deaky-ness there's no reason to not share them, who knows, it might help [insert name of gentleman] later in the future.

Sixthly, don't involve in physical contact, that sends mixed messages and I've always found that a hands in the lap, legs under the chair approach was good.... the more formal the more the point will be driven home.

Seventhly, pay for yourself, whatever he offers you, don't accept it, you need to be unfettered by his advances and that won't happen if you let him pick up the last tab. Finish your cocktail/coffee, don't gulp it, thank him and wish him well and be on your way.

These tips might seem cold and hard, and maybe they are, the truth hurts, but a clean break beats messy and sticky any day of the week and twice on sunday.

*I would just like to offer a big EFF you to President Pervez Musharraf for ruining my enjoyable rooftop dinner with all those damn helicopters overhead in my neighborhood. It was a glorious night and I was enjoying a fabulous home cooked meal on a glorious fall night and all of a sudden I was in the middle of a bad Cops show. I can deal with being stuck behind Cheney near the Ritz in a motorcade but I mean come ON.....***


Anonymous said...


My evening was impaired as well due to the incessant fly-overs. Metro PD's finest seemed a bit on edge as well. Tense cops and loud noises do not make for a happy gayborhood. How can I read the poor gentlemen wearing cutoff jean shorts with birkenstocks and no one able to hear my rants. I mean really....this is not L.A.

- Vanquished Diva

Mungoj said...

Hear! Hear! Teasim just didn't have the same ambiance with the "thwak-thwak-thwak" of the helicopter. I was waiting for a paratrooper to drop down to give me a good frisking...