Thursday, January 28, 2010

Dear John Edwards.... let's have a chat.

Sweet Cheese and Biscuits, John Edwards, how in the name of Madras Pants have you put yourself in a tail spin of almost comical proportions. I feel as the reigning Duchess of Protocol that we need to have a little bit of a chitty chitty chat chat.

John Edwards, first of all, seriously?? I know power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely but you’re not a stupid man, wouldn’t you know that having a mistress would get picked up by at least one of your staffers and then get leaked to the media? I mean where have you been the last I dunno….. bazillion years in American politics???

Secondly, and I mean yes you made a decision to have an affair, ok. Lot’s of American’s have extra-marital sexual encounters all the time, that’s a fact of life. However, you failed to use a condom and she failed to use birth control…. Now let’s just review for a second, not only did you create a life out of the bowels of moral incompetency, which btw you better start a trust fund for that baby because if she makes it out of adolescence without being either the biggest sl*t or making friends with one or many controlled substances I will be shocked, but you could have gotten any number of diseases from that woman and passed it onto your wife and the mother of your children. I’m sure she would agree that having stage 4 cancer is bad enough without having to explain why you also have to be treated for crabs. I would rather walk across my tongue than speak ill of someone but when you have sex with someone named Rielle, you use a condom, it’s just common sense.

And now that I mention it, onto the subject of your wife and your legitimate children. I just wanna sit down with Elizabeth Edwards, pour ourselves some lovely afternoon cocktails and tell that woman that I admire her grace and courage in this entire situation. If it was me, there may or may not have been phrases that started with “slashed” and ended with “tires.” There definitely would have been an interview on Oprah where she would have extolled my virtues as a strong woman and then we would have hugged some Nigerian orphans and had a legends ball, and maybe the words “Hooker Smack Down” would have been applied to your woman friend (just a sidebar I would never personally administer a smackdown, I’m much too concerned with the health of my cuticles to waste it on anyone with a name like Rielle).

…..And it must be mentioned…. The sex tape. John Edwards, you are a lawyer and a previously elected member of the Senate, during tenure in both those capacities you should have realized that if there is no physical evidence you have a better chance of plausible deniability, and beyond that, you are such an idiot for making a sex tape with your mistress. If it was your wife you could chalk it up to spicing up the marriage, which btw, is a totally reasonable thing to do.

So in conclusion. John Edwards, you can wear all the hang dog faces you want and make statements about how you’re so sorry and you’re committed to your family blah blah blah. Your career is on the skids and so is your family life. I won’t be inviting you to any of my rooftop cocktail parties now or in the future and please let your wife know that she and I will be having a martini soon.

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