Monday, October 16, 2006

yes that's right..... I's a lady

Well, my little sister aka la principessa was home this weekend for fall break so I, being the good older brother aka first born went to the parentals estate friday night way out in the country. Wherein apparently the crazy fairy had visited, for as I walked in the front door and was greeted by my puppy chloe I saw what appeared to be two huge vats of urine on the countertop. After awkwardly staring at these two glass containers, each of which held at least 10 gallons of dark yellow liquid, I called for mumsy-kins to come down and explain her science experiment to me...... what was it you ask??? oh that's right, mumsy and daddykins have added making moonshine to their repertoire of things that they like to do in their free time. Their plan?? to have their lemon-flavored vodka based beverage ready to be bottled by christmas time so that they can give bottles out as christmas gifts to help everyone celebrate the birth of the baby jesus......needless to say I'm going to wait till everyone else has some to make sure it doesn't strike them blind.

After that stunning revelation it was off to sushi for a nice family dinner. Did I mention that my family is incapable of having a nice family dinner? My mom thought this would be a perfect opportunity to discuss..... you may have guessed it..... porn. Apparently she has just found out that people watch porn, especially men, and this was an interesting topic on which she wanted my personal opinion. Do I watch porn? "Sure I've watched porn before" Did my friends watch porn? "Probably, I mean they've got to do something in between eating and sleeping" And when I watched porn did I ever watch heterosexual or lesbian porn because she heard it was quite graphic. I told her I had seen both heterosexual and lesbian porn and that heterosexual porn wasn't that interesting and the best thing about lesbian porn is that the women are always done up so nicely. (I kept the fact to myself that at random gay bars the porn that they played on the televisions is enough to make my eyelashes curl with shock). Then she started asking my dad how much porn he watched and that was when I wanted to take the chopsticks and shove them in my ears till I felt something squishy. We ordered mumsy some wine and she shut it up.

Saturday evening was a night of crazy drunkeness.... which incidentally had nothing to do with me! People mayhaps got drunk and were grabbing other people innappropriately, making out with legitimate senior citizens at blowoff, and maybe doing dance moves from an unamed parker posey movie. I don't judge (who am I kidding?). But whatever I had my lady moment of the evening when I decided that nourishment was what I needed to cap off a very full evening so I decided to get myself a double quarter pounder with cheese and super sized it....and ate it all, it was glorious.


copperred said...

Good seeing you out, though I think I lost you in the crowd.

You made out with AARP members? Hmm, well as long as he leaves you a wad of cash and a boytoy. At least you didn't see what my eyes saw...I'm scarred for life.

Dale said...

Yeah I'm sorry we didn't get a chance to hang out more!!!

Oh and I did not make out with anyone the entire evening, my purity is still intact, however the gentleman who did make out with an AARP member had the decency to score me a drink first as I was standing next to him..... and what exactly did YOU see ????

copperred said...

Oh what I saw is one of those things you never think you'll see, like Al Sharpton voting for George Bush. We'll kibbitz.

I saw remarkably little dirtiness overall, though my friends decided to be especially naughty.