Thursday, September 09, 2010

Fenty vs. Gray down to the wire

So once again my duckies, we're embroiled in a much heated debate on whom will run our fair city. Now honestly if I had my way we'd all make the informed decision and write in the homeless guy on the corner that holds the sign that reads "I'm going to be honest, I want money to buy beer".... now that's a politician I can trust!!!! However, Jerome from down the street hasn't had the forebearance to run so we must choose between Adrian Fenty and Vincent Gray.... But I wonder my little duckies.... do you know where each candidate stands on issues that affect the Duchy of Cocktails also known as Gay DC? Well if you don't then take a seat little duckies and let me drop a whole lot of wisdom on your teeny little heads.

Issue 1: Appearance.

Let me issue you exhibit A.
This would be our current mayor. I don't about yall but I enjoy the fact that my leader has better abs than most of his constituents. I know that in a mayor I want an individual that leads by example.... with his abs.... and his arms......and his.... well let's just say that the lycra doesn't do much to hide his executive power......

And now exhibit B. Now Vince Gray, you would be so much better served by either wearing a well fitting dress shirt or not tucking your polo into your pants.... hello!!! creating man boobs and a spare tire much???? Also we're going to have to work on your child molester smile and mustache that I can only assume covers your hairlip.... ew.

Issue 2. Liquor Taxes - Now we have heard an upsetting rumor from our "friends" to the commonwealth to the south..... that their governor wants to increase the prices of alcohol served in restaurants in bars. Now let me just say that when I heard that I had to break out my fan and start fanning away the vapors of disgust I felt at such an idea. I'm sorry but taxing the gays alcohol is like taxing pleated khakis for straight men.... it's a hate crime (PS, pleated khakis? straighties? let's discuss).

Now while neither candidate has blatantly said anything about this issue let's infer from some past decisions

Fenty- Kept bars and restaurants in Adams Morgan open for 24 hours during the inauguration festivities. Now to me that just says this is an elected leader who knows how a good cocktail can bring people together, bridge the divide between thirst and fun, and allow people from all creeds, races and backgrounds sit back and say.... "you know that fifth shot was probably a bad idea but at 2 bucks a pop I can't really say no"

Gray - That man looks like he could use a drink.... just sayin.

Issue 3. Gay Marriage

This my darlings is a non-issue. Fenty signed the marriage bill and Gray unanimously supports it. This is a smart move because I've said it before and I'll say it again, you can't swing a dead cat in this city without hitting a homosexual and if these candidates want to get anywhere they're going to need the support of the gay vote. Plus you know those two are just salivating at the amount of money some queens are going to throw into the local economy once flowers are bought, venues rented, doves acquired, booze taken care of, floor length vera wang dresses and tiaras are fitted....... oh wait.... maybe that's just me..... moving on.

In any event my dears, I think it will take a lot more than a Vincent Gray or an Adrian Fenty to decimate the District.... hell we had a mayor that was convicted of crack abuse and then we re-elected him!!!!

But my question to you my dear reader, is what are the gay issues that you want to see our next mayor address????

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