Friday, September 17, 2010

Friday Five - Lessons for my Unborn Son

So, yes, I admit I'm riding the coattails of this wonderful blog, but I do think that it lacks a certain je ne sais quoi, a certain pizzaz, a certain sparkle that only yours truly can offer. Now let's face facts, the chances of me having children are the same as my showing up to a dinner party and not having a cocktail so I think I'll entitle my rules my 5 rules for the new gayling, the just out, dewey and fresh faced gay who is entering into a world of glitter.

Rule Number 1: Always walk into the gay bar like you own the place. Whenever you walk into a gay establishment, you will be sized up by 95% of the queens in said establishment within the first 10 seconds. Walking in with your shoulders slouched and looking scared, establishes your place in the gay pecking order at said bar at somewhere below the towel guy in the bathroom. When you walk into a bar, don't act like a bitchy queen, but establish your presence early on and don't act like it's your first day of school and you're trying to make new friends, you've entered the lions den and if you show weaknes.... you're going to get cut up like sushi in tokyo.

Rule Number 2: At some point in your life do Drag, and do it well. I realize that some of you new gaylings are so "straight acting" you're but an angels breath away from planting your face in a plate full of lady parts but there's nothing that puts your life into a "you know, life just isn't that serious" place than putting on a floor length glitter gown, teasing out a wig (the higher the hair, the closer to jesus) strapping on a pair of gravity defying stilettos and doing up your makeup. Also, for those that think they're too masculine for these and would rather put on their favorite muscle tees and camo pants..... it takes much bigger balls to be a man in a dress and makeup than it does to be a man in a suit..... just saying.

Rule Number 3: Make Friends With the Weird Kid, one of the pitfalls of any group of people, and this is just as true in the gay world, is that everyone wants to fit in. Groups of friends will tend toward the same designers, get comparable haircuts, and will make sure that nobody rocks the boat so to speak. So if you're at a party and you see the kid that's wearing an oversized brooch and neon kicks.... go over and introduce yourself, surrounding yourself with people that aren't afraid to express themselves and try something new will prompt you to do the same, and trust me it's a lot more fun that way..... Plus.... odds are the weird ones are the ones with the best ideas and it's more likely than not that one day they'll be the rich ones, and mommy loves her a rich friend with a guest house.

Rule Number 4: You are not as interesting as you think you are, especially after your 3rd cocktail. Now my little darlings, there are times in life when you are at a party and you're looking fierce, your stomach's flat, and your hair is did right. You've had one, two, and are on your third obviously low cal cocktail (vodka and soda) and you think the things that are coming out of your mouth are like gems that people around your are clamoring for..... yeah I'm gonna go ahead and say probably not. At parties or social events it's great to participate but not to dominate, being overbearing in any conversation will only garner you one reputation.... uninteresting blowhard. Besides, if you're the only one talking how are you going to let that cute guy in the corner, no not that one, the one in the green with the arms, get a word in edgewise to ask you if you'd like to step out on the veranda to gaze at the stars?

Rule Number 5: A bitchy queen ends getting a bitchy slap upside her head. Don't be that guy that curls his top lip up when someone enters the room that he doesn't think meets his standard of excellence. This especially applies to treating your front desk lady, your secretary, bar staff, ESPECIALLY bar staff, and anyone else in the service industry. For the first two you must ask them at least 3 times a week how their day was how their weekend was and how their family is, because let me just say that Ms. Paulette at the front desk doesn't have to let you know that your new shipment from just came in and Ms. Leondra who is your office secretary can just "forget" that an important fax came in for you. Nobody likes a bitchy queen except for other bitchy queens and just because you think your frosted tips and white faux leather belt are the jam.... trust momma..... the only thing a bitchy queen ends up getting is a bitchy slap upside the head.....

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