Friday, September 03, 2010

Friday Five - Rules for Working on Your Fitness

Hey Ladies... it's the last long weekend of the summer, and there's no time like the present to break out your little mankini and try to catch some rays before the first tickle of autumns wind on the back of your neck forces you into an array of lovely V-neck merino sweaters and bomber jackets and maybe a light accent scarf and a jaunty hat...... where was I again?? OH YES, summer.

In any event, if you're a run of the mill homosexual like yours truly, for the past 3 months you've been living on a diet of ice cubes, protein bars, and crunches for fear of gay shame at ye olde pool party or god forbid on the gay beach at Rehomo.... and judging by this years showing at said gay beach it turns out I probably could have been eating naught but fudge and drinking naught but yoohoo all year long and still have looked more presentable than 95% of those messes.

ANYWHO, all that exercise means one thing... gym. Now to the average homosexual the gym is tantamount to a place of worship, you're judged on which gym you belong to and how often you attend. There are strict rituals and an established pecking order. On this Friday I've decided to share 5 rules that one should follow to successfully navigating your local gay gym.

1). While you may want to go out and buy the newest tennis shoes, get the Louis Vuitton gym bag, and Gucci headband....... spend that money on a personal training session. Let's face facts, at the gay gym it's not about how you look with your clothes on, it's free advertising to show future ex boyfriends what you are going to look like with your clothes off.

2). See that guy with the huge muscles and veins bulging doing that exercise that looks new and innovative that you're sure if you do you'll look like him??? Yeah don't do that. You will only succeed in doing two things, hurting yourself and making yourself look stupid. Stick to the basics or ask one of the lovely personal trainers who, while they can't do long division, can tell you the merits of any new exercise you've discovered.

3). While you whilst be tempted by the nakedness in the locker room, try your best to avert your eyes. While we all strive to be the model of physical perfection that garners the stares that come from years of constant exercising and not eating, nobody likes Chester the Molester so stop staring and drooling.

4). You know what, there is absolutely no need to make noises like you're trying to pass history's largest poop when you lift weights. I understand, weights are heavy, really I do, but if they're that heavy that everyone around you is just waiting for your rectum to rupture maybe you should back off a little... not a sermon, just a thought.

5). The most important thing to remember at the gym is, don't take yourself too seriously. Yes you may belong to the most exclusive gay gym that is such a paragon of superficial gayness you come out of the gym shaking the glitter off your head, but it is at the end of the day a gym with one purpose, to help you get in shape. So wear your shorts from high school, cut the sleeves off of your old t-shirts, get that water bottle out you got from your company picnic and get your ass to the gym because one of the most important things about the gay community.... fatties are icky.

1 comment:

kold_kadavr_ flatliner said...

Coming to my BIG-ol,
John Belushi, party-hardy
in illustrious Seventh-Heaven?
Eternal pleasure-beyond-measure?

...yet, gotta quit materialism
N whorizontal vanity: God's Rules
aint crippling, SIN is crippling.

Yes, earthling, Im a NDE.
I know now s'up... literally.
God bless your indelible soul.