Tuesday, September 20, 2005

As if I'm not already wound tightly enough....

So... I'm taking a break last night from the wonder that is the GRE's... according to whom I'm dumber than crack addicted, epileptic, orangutang that is blind in one eye.... and watching a little motorcycle building show with my straight roomates and the commercial for Ready.Gov comes on to remind D.C. residents to have a plan in case of a terrorist attack. As if I don't have enough to worry about between men, and clothes..... and men. Oh BTW I LOVE how the plan for seniors is "make a plan to tell someone," and "remember to label your wheelchair/walker", which roughly translates into the government trying to placate the oldies while realizing that there's no way they're getting out.

However I was thinking about what would happen to me specifically if say on a random evening or during a day when I was "sick" from work, and I happened to be home what would happen. So say that a terrorist attacked the capitol building.... I live 2 blocks from the capitol building... would I be screwed like the prom queen??? you bet your bloomers! I mean what is the use of 3 cans of chili, 2 bottles of dehydrated lactase free milke, 4 gallons of Fiji water, and a flashlight going to be then?? Things that are not listed that should be are:

1) $500 in cash.... you think credit cards are gonna help when you're vying for the last snickers bar in an abandoned metro tunnel?? no sir!

2) extra underwear...self explanatory, besides the chances of peeing yourself during a terrorist attack are going to go up.

3) Deoderant: I am not trying to smell like nastiness if and when I have to flee

4)Bottle of cologne, because other people won't remember deoderant and I don't share.

5) Condoms/Lubricant, just in case you have a "we only have 5 minutes to live" moment and want a safety net in case 5 minutes turns into "false alarm"

6)Power bars... yummy AND portable

So thank you Federal Government for adequately freaking me out to the point where I now have a bag packed complete with sassy outfit, backup sunglasses, and a copy of vanity fair.... so if there is a terrorist attack and you see a queen trotting (I don't run in public, it's undignified) away with a fabulous outfit and a sassy bag..... you'll know who it is...

P.S. I was totally one of those people during the sniper attacks while living in the District, that followed the governments advice and never walked in a straight line and stopped frequently to stand by big statues... so for a good couple of months I looked perpetually paranoid/drunk/incredibly non-coordinated.... oh wait........

7 comments:

Claire said...

I love you so much my heart hurts...

Dale said...

Awww thanks sweetpea! bless your heart aren't you precious!

A Unique Alias said...

The plan for seniors:

Get 50 years younger immediately, or get your ass in a confessional so thing'sll go better for you in the aferlife...

A Unique Alias said...

The plan for seniors:

Get 50 years younger immediately, or get your ass in a confessional so thing'sll go better for you in the aferlife...

Complacent Chase said...

You crack me up, Dale!
I'm glad I live in Chevy Chase!

Rhinestone Cowgirl said...

I love your survival kit, particularly the Vanity Fair! Excellent.

Dop said...

God, I needed this laugh. Thanks!!!!