Your Mother was a Hampster and your Father smelled of Elderberries!!!

So it being friday and all the gloriousness that comes with it a little bit of an update. Wearing free polo from Snotty retail location, and since I wasn't allowed to pick the size I can't really lift my arms over my head without exposing the better part of my midsection and as much fun as it would be to show annoying co-worker my piercing and have her squeal with sad suburbanite heterosexual delight I think I'll pass.... however the shirt creates the illusion I have a chest so, I'll take it. ANYWAYS, as I was staying in the great state of Md. last night I got to thinking about how much better MD is than the dirty dirty Vag. Dirty.

1). Any State that has the term (mixing bowl) describing a series of circuitous highways that I believe are just meant to screw with whomever drives on them should be divided up into tiny parts and sold to Belgium, at least they'd have the good sense to put up a nice patisserie or something instead. PS when is there NOT traffic on the mixing bowl.... PPS I will never nor have I ever driven on said bowl, I believe it is synonymous with the 5th circle of hell, right above a Wal-mart in the dirty Vag christmas eve and right below going to a bar in Rosslyn/Clarendon.

2). Maryland has THIS LADY to represent us! (Even though I'm a washingtonian, being born and raised in maryland allows me the dual citizenship status). Who's state senator has a recipe for crab cakes on her webpage?? MINE DOES!!! Who's state senator makes David Hyde Pierce look like a giant but keeps getting re-elected??? MINE DOES.... Whose state senator looks like your creepy old uncle that wants to touch you in your no no spot??? the dirty Vag's...that's who.

3). Washington DC currently exists on land that was given by the state of MD. ORIGINALLY Va also donated land to DC and then said....ummmm no, I'm sorry I think that we'll take that land back to form endless stretches of strip malls and ugly apartment buildings that obscure the DC skyline.... cuz that's OBVY a better idea.

4). Marylands state motto is "Fatti maschii, parole femine" (Manly deeds, Womanly Words), which to me basically says.... our drag queens can kick your butt and then make crabcakes and old bay bloody mary's for dinner...... b*tches. Virginia's is "Sic Semper Tyrannis" (Thus always to tyrants).... isn't that the same thing that John Wilkes Booth said after he shot Lincoln at fords theater on land that MD graciously donated to DC who freed the slaves and ended the civil war??? Sweet Vag....I'd TOTALLY want that as my state motto....

5). Old Bay is synonymous with MD. It goes on everything from veggies, to fries, to seafood, to soups, even to drinks (old bay bloody mary is the bomb!!!) I can go all Forrest Gump here and pontificate for days about the versatility of Old Bay and all of it's glorious application. It is the bestest in life and I'm pretty sure that without it I'd be a sad sad lady seeing as how while in college every break I'd come home and have to buy it in bulk..... what? don't judge me, I from ballmer, that's how we do. What does Va have??? nothing.....that's what.

I had a dream, where all the polos of the rainbow would live together in harmony!!!

Ok so I'm a double liar.....

Tuesday, after I "quit" the (Snotty Retail Location) I received a phone call from the gentleman that hired me, basically communicating that I could choose my own hours and wouldn't I please reconsider because he thinks I'd be a really good asset blah blah blah. PS after offering me the job last thursday he called me on friday night at 8:30 when I was at the Rhino in georgetown to see if I wanted to "meet for a drink and discuss my employment options" Yeah there will obviously be developments on THAT front as he's wicked WICKED hot.


So anyways I said *sigh* "ok (hot manager), I will work at your retail location and let you give me about 450 bucks of free clothing and take me out to dinner next week just so I can work less than 12 hours on the weekends and give everyone sass that walks through the door."

PPS, If anyone makes fun of me for going back to retail y'all b*tches can just kiss your access to my discount bye bye.... and it's an effing sweet discount *I think, I wasn't really paying attention*

ANYWAYS, so last night I had a dream about a scenario working at SRL, wherein someone didn't get hired and then came into the store and made a HUGE scene, imagine American Idol and crying and you have the scene. So there are 5 of us standing around, folding things, pretending to look busy and not really helping anyone out when the person who wasn't hired came in.... Imagine Wilson Cruz but 5'3" and fat.

So the hot manager comes out and says "whats the problem Fat Wilson Cruz?" to which FWC replied "You didn't hire me because I don't fit any of these effing stereotypes!!!!"

Hot manager replied back.... "and?" to which FWC replied "That's not fair!!!" and proceeds to cry and storm out of the store.

Anyways, so apparently I'm confused *shocking I know* and I ask everyone "what was FWC talking about"

And hot manager says "I hired you all because you fit a specific look that I want to come into the store" and then the 4 people that were working with me go around and say.....

"Preppy Slut (girl)"

"Hot Frat Boy"

"wholesome yet really hot boy next door"

"Country Club Hottie (boy)"

And then I said..... so what does that make me???

And they all reply in unison "Runway Queen"... you say things like "I don't know if we carry that in YOUR size", you may or may not have just stepped off a runway and you let everybody else know it. You dispense sass and judgement to clients like water and bread to the homeless.....

And then I woke up... I'm not sure if I'm really uncomfortable with that or just confused.

PPPS: Yesterday This Lady told me that if Lucy Liu and Julia Sugarbaker had a love child it'd be me.... I slightly disagree only to say that Lucy Liu is a cross-eyed befreckled fool. If anybody is going to sire me I believe it would be my fallen hero. Julia Sugarbaker is still my lady.

Remember the time I was a liar??

Yeah ok so it's right now because I've been all excitafied due to the fact that I was offered a low-paying, pretty much thankless job at a froo froo boutique in Chevy Chase on what I like to call the Gold-digger stretch.... Tiffanys, Cartier, Louis V, Saks, Neimans..... the perfect place to take your mistress, bf on the side, or houseboy to get the right accoutrement when you take them to the secluded location away from your actual gf, bf, or wife. Yeah I'm pretty sure I was excited because being offered a job on the basis of "a look" just strokes my ego seven ways from sunday that I, Dale, can still turn heads with a sassy stare and hair flip. So I've got a superficial "pick me because I'm pretty and oh so fun" streak in me...... so sue me. I've had two jobs before this one where I was picked on the same basis and while not a lasting comfort, not gonna lie that it feels damn good to have that kind of re-enforcement, however fleeting.

However, momma's growing, learning a few things, I'm not getting a few more wrinkles so y'all can shut that noise right quick.... quick tip from me to you, Asians don't wrinkle. We look like Connie Chung until we hit about 70ish and then we go Mr. Miyagi and look wizened, not wrinkled.

Unfortunately they didn't offer me enough money, the hours would be more than a hassle to get to and from on my way from el job de sucktown, and the new digs, not to mention the fact that it would pretty much be a total end to any type of social life that I have... even though I was the ONLY lady on Sunday brunch that went home by themselves saturday night ...whatever...I'm not bitter. So as much as it would stroke my ego to be hired based on someone's subjective view that I fit the "overpriced retail locations" look, I had to say no maam.... no maam indeed.

So I bid a fond farewell to "overpriced retail location", even though you had a sweet discount, offered me free clothes as a new employee, and would be in the perfect location for me to meet my rich first husband, I must say goodbye.... goodbye to the other staff whom I haven't met that are overdone and underfed, goodbye to the customers who think that just because their daddy gave them a humvee for channukah that means they can wear a baby T with their gut hanging out, (one too many latke's eh darlin?) and goodbye to being paid to be a bitchy body-fascist queen (I just won't get paid for it now). Ew.....when did I become a grownup?

I think I may be dead.

I will update everyone at a time when my body doesn't feel like it's been the recipient of a hate crime, the perpitrator??? cheap booze and lots of it. However I may or may not have done the following this weekend,

Gone to the Rhino in georgetown followed by JR's in the gayborhood.... yeah that was a smart choice....

Started Saturday off with Cory and some cheap booze followed by sushi, more booze, and then JR's for a Homo-blog fest of drunkeness wherein I may have threatened someone's life by saying, "If you efff with my friend I will end you..... no I'm serious, I will cut you." (ps in the immortal words of Chip "Dale, a barstool could take you.")

I'm pretty sure that the night was a success.... not sure.

Spent Sunday pretty much soaked in booze from a 3-4 hour brunch with unlimited bloody marys and screwdrivers and mimosas to long island ice teas to yet a third bar where I may or may not have made out with a guy that took me on one date and whom I never called back.... and there was a reason..... he's kinda busted..... damnit. (PS All of these ladies are hateful hateful b*tches for getting me that loaded and I hope all their nipples fall off)

My disco balls are bigger than yours!

Allright So Friday Five.... zenith of homo-losity five reasons why I'm more fabulous than a disco ball on pride....

1). Yours truly has just taken the plunge back into the second job field (I get bored too easily and I figure if I'm going to be all antzy pantzy I may as well be productive and get paid right??) so I'm going to one place where gay men will always reign supreme, distributing sass and judgement from on high..... yes everyone... you guessed it..... high end retail. After a quick interview where conversations that a mo wouldn't expect as unusual but might take the ro's back a little including:

Mister Sister: you know at (super preppy snotty location) were looking for a certain "look," and we only offer people positions that we feel capture that "look."

Translation: We don't hire any fatties or uglies.
Mister Sister: How you carry yourself is very important at (super preppy snotty location), we only offer people positions that look like they stepped out of our magazines.
Translation: Don't try and pull any of that straight boy, just got out of bed look here sister, we want your hair did and your clothes sharp, your sass ready and your cheekbones high and pointy

Is it wrong that I'm primarily doing this for the discount???? I didn't think so either.

2). Operation Decorator Storm: Now I have, for the first time, the opportunity to decorate my living space from top to bottom in whatever manner I see fit which is a daunting task. However thankfully I have vast resources of opinion and experience in home decor from friends that are interior designers, artists, photographers.... and just plain have more glitter in them than a elementary school art class.

3). Because I'm me and you're not.

4). Because I had this conversation with annoying co-worker yesterday before leaving for the interview at (super preppy snotty location)

ACW: We should totally hang out in DC sometime, one of my roommates wants to meet you, I keep telling her how fabulous you are.

Dale: Riiiight, I didn't think that straight people used the term fabulous anymore. (this is where I break out the mo tude) Anyways I'm pretty busy for the next couple of months, I like to plan in advance.

ACW: Oh well we don't go into DC that much anyways (She lives not only in the dirty Vag but by Dulles *EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK*) when's the next time you're going to be free on a weekend?

Dale: September.


5). This morning I had a conversation with This Lady, and I was reminded that in elementary school I had all things Keroppi and Badtz Maru. I'm talking pencils, pencil box, folders, erasers, pencil sharpeners.... the whole nine.... I was the gayest , asianest elementary student in life.... IN LIFE!!!!!

Tis the season.....

So now that Spring is upon us like a fat girl on a buffet, it is now that time of the season when the seasonal resolutions are made. I'm no dummy, I realize that most of the resolutions I make don't make it more than a season but it's a nice little pat on the back doing something to better yourself kind of situation. Therefore I will be making my resolutions thusly:

1). Be able to pace myself at the local watering holes. Unfortunately the last couple of times I've hung out with this lady, I've had to excuse myself in the midst of the merriment because the little light in my head goes on that says "if you wait around here any longer and have that next drink you are either going to wake up in someone's house whose name you don't know or you will wake up in your own bed with my face covered in the wrappers of snickers fun size." p.s. the first hasn't happened in years and the second hasn't happened in....weeks?

2). I guess be healthier? Eat better, drink better (more ketel one and less smirnoff), and workout more I guess....

3). Start organizing for what I call the "let my people go" move from the quadrant that DC forgot to a place where there's..... stuff.... and things..... countdown has begun!!!!!

Dear sir......

I've decided once again to keep up with my correspondence through blog.....

Dear Mom,
If you insist on having non-serious surgery and are in bed for the better part of three weeks please do not take your pain medicine which I'm pretty sure you chased with a merlot and then proceed to call me, call me by my sisters name, and then ask me why I haven't settled down with the right man and popped out a little adopted asian child because you aren't getting any younger. Or at the very least lets play sharesies with the percoset and the merlot!

Dear Annoying Co-worker,
I will give you points for not pinching me last Friday, however I have decided under Dales version of Sharia that you must be destroyed, one repressed emotion at a time. I will constantly bring up your insecurity about your boyfriends inability to commit (I'm sorry 3 years and no shared living space or ring? yeah I'm sorry that's a no go), your opinion that Target is a boutique location for buying footwear, and that your idea of a fun friday night is going to the local bennigans and then watching Dr. Quinn Medicine woman or something equally as banal. It's a shame for you we are close in the cube farm because I'm about to become your therapists best friend.

Dear Suprise Visitor's to the G-Spot,
I think it's great that we graduated from college together. I haven't talked to you in months and honestly have more important things to do (like coming up with fun names for my new condo, any and all suggestions are welcome) and poring through my cookbooks with the fun pictures. Your dropping by and announcing you'd be sleeping over at 11 at night isn't a fun birthday kind of suprise, it's more of a..... hey johnny I'm 16 and pregnant, guess I should have agreed to do anal when you asked me to kind of suprise.

Dear Natalie Portman,
I love you, not only for your fantastic bone structure and ability to wear kabuki makeup and a headdress that would make cher jealous, but of your ability to be a hardcore bizznatch and make this video for SNL. P.S. also thanks to Chip for sending me this video.

Dear Self,
Please stop having dorky conversations that make you sound like a pocket protector wearing, coke bottle glasses having weirdo. Conversation last night with Chip went something like.....

Dale: What sounds better, "Containment vectors of Bacillus anthracis," "Cancer modeling and treatment using non-linear mathematics," or "Rising Global Temperatures and its effects on vectors of disease transmission."

Chip: First of all, what the hell is a vector and I'm not even going to attempt non-linear mathematics

Dale: Vectors are like pathways, and non-linear mathematics is like chaos theory

Chip: Chaos what?

Dale: Fractals?

Chip: I have never seen that word in life

Dale: I'm such a dork, I have to go now and contact the chess/ AV club......

p.s. can we review how I can have almost no common sense, and say things like "Live in love, is that like live in maid?" and still not do simple algebra but can explain non-linear math theory? I'm so asian right now.

Weekend Roundup.... remember the time I stayed in? me either

Ok so the PLAN was to have a low-key relaxing weekend after el week de hell of a thousand tortures. But as we all know the best laid plans of mice and dale....

Friday.... after getting out of work at 1 I was GOING to have a leisurely meeting with a baker in georgetown to discuss my parents anniversary cake I'm having made for them. However that kinda sorta happened. First I decided to meet some friends who had taken the day off at Rhino to do Car bombs.... good idea. Then, half in the bag I went to the bakery thing where I actually played Sober Sally pretty well and whipped out the gay bitchy face and laid down the law.... one hour later I have a three tiered vanilla cake with strawberry buttercream filling covered in white fondant with cala lilies made of marzipan cascading down the side, real lilies surrounding the base and apricots made of marzipan staggered around all three layers for a bit of color.... it's not like I have control issues or anything.

Friday night I was GOING to stay in and chillax. However I ended up as the +1 for a friend who had an event at the Embassy of Kuwait to go to for some womens group. I was looking for a free meal and cocktails so I spiffed up and off I went. After being photographed for DC style and some random VAG magazine myself and my friend realize that the Islamic Kingdom of Kuwait doesn't serve alcohol... I was mortified, not only was it St. Patty's day, it was friday, it was after 7, and my buzz from earlier was wearing off faster than K-mart brand lipstick. However I made up for lost time at a friends party after and some AdMo bars. Who woke up saturday morning in between two girls in a triple spoon? I did!!!

Saturday night... was GOING to chill out but Lauriol and Front page took care of that one with quick work......

Sunday... was GOING to relax and sleep but got talked into going to JR's and then to the fastest bartender in DC competition...... sweet jesus.

Betty Ford week is in full effect...we'll see how long that lasts.

Friday Five.... don't let the man get you down!!!

It's Friday, it's quarter to seven... I'm at my computer at work.... dull knife, meet my eyeball... hello eyeball! hello knife!! That being taken care of, this week has been FULL of 18 hour days, stalking hot doctors that may or may not be in love with me (gonna hedge on the not side) signing papers... yes yours truly has finally taken the plunge and bought real estate... you may now call me "the dale" and generally trying not to let the man get me down. However I'd like to share five quotes/observations that is indicative of the type of week I've had.

1). "I'm a slut for AIDS"..... a participant in one of the meetings I went to said this and the entire room went silent... buzzkill anyone?? and who said that those in the medical research community weren't socially apt?

2). Hot doctor who I will refer to as silver fox was wearing a turtleneck/suit combination. Now I'm sorry is this the seventies? are you Anchorman Ron Burgundy? no I didn't think so. However I'd probably still do dirty things to him. It's the spring time, it's totally not my fault.

3). White belt and white shoes... I don't care if the emily post rule is outdated and archaic... You. will. not. wear. white before memorial day. It's tacky and so are you.

4). Having a weeklong conference/meeting thing in the same place where you had your HS prom is just about the coolest thing ever in life. Thoughts like "hmmm I danced the N'Sync bye bye bye dance over by where the podium was"... .or "ooh I wouldn't use THAT bathroom, I think XXX got a YYYYY from ZZZZ there" keep running through my head.

5). Bitchiness is in full effect. Annoying co-worker is being uber super annoying and thinking that she's my boss which she definitely isn't. So after being blunt, being up front, I'm down to being mean.

Co-Worker: You better wear green tomorrow or I'm going to pinch you
Me: No you won't, I don't like being touched and that's inappropriate.
Co-worker: Ha ha ha, it's St. Patricks day everybody likes to get pinched.
Me: Well, maybe if your boyfriend of three years whom you STILL don't have a key to his place would pinch YOU more often maybe you wouldn't feel the need to pinch me.

*If she pinches me today I'm going to psychologically destroy her and make her cry. it's my god given right as a homosexual.*

HAPPY ST. PATRICKS DAY EVERYONE!!!

Weekend Roundup...... but what is this?? I mean but what IS this?

So last week.... not too much fun, this week.... been warned about 20 hour days, heightened tensions, and bad coffee..... so needless to say I'm excited. Fortunately or Unfortunately I won't be able to post until probably next week so hopefully This Lady can hold our torch up high so our flame burns bright!!

However, in preparation for the week de crap I had myself a grand ole time this weekend. Friday night after getting home and changing into my cute clothes I went over to Taylor's place where I may or may not have started my drinky poo off with a commemorative plastic football cup full of the Cape Codder, which was after I sweet talked the lady at the local liquor store to give me a bag of free ice.... what can I say, I'm adorable and apparently inspire people to give me free ice.

Anyways then All These Wonderful Ladies came over and we really got the party started complete with a drunken photo shoot and a stumbling mess over to Juniors. After getting there certain members of our party were a little tipsy and I don't mention names as that's not my way but HA HA HA HAH AHA somebody fell off a bar stool......

The rest of the night is a blur of drunkeness, I think the plan was to meet people at cobalt and we did make it at some point but the memories of cobalt aren't very detailed..... and at some point McDonalds which honestly makes me want to retch, I think I ate 2 pieces of the chicken nugget meal I bought and just contented myself to drink the overly syrupy sprite.

Saturday night myself, Chip, and two of our friends stayed at my parents house as I was dog-sitting and we were settling down for a suburban night o' fun. We played knockout and not going to lie.... I dominated.... just sayin. Watched This Movie, and gorged ourselves silly on This Glorious Food Item, and passed out... only to wake up Sunday morning and cook a full brunchy thing complete with mimosas and blueberry pancakes..

So see y'all in a week!!! and if there's anything on the news about somebody going postal and going crazy at some meeting... yeah that'd be me....

ps. I may or may not have taken the first steps toward home ownership.... more details to follow.

Spring is in the air!!!

Woo hoo were finally getting a little spring weather action going on!!! nothing better to start off the weekend than driving to work with the windows down and listening to a little fallout boy at full blast!!! Especially when the cherry on the sundae included watching very nice looking gentleman run in tiiiinnnyy little shorts along the memorial bridge...mmmmm. After all spring is in the air and everyone knows what that means....

1). The gym will be filled to capancity from now, the first consecutive days of warm weather, till about easter when all the queens that were going to start their swimsuit diets/workout routines say eff it and gorge on easter food. Which will be again reinstated at the first weekend of beach worthy weather.

2). Outdoor seating at two of my favorite watering holes, Lauriol and Fox&Hound will soon open and my judgement of society at large can once again stretch beyond the confines of a bar while I sip my delectable cocktail or margarita and judge behind my sunglasses, sassy as I wanna be.

3). The Runway, known as 17th st. between JR's and Cobalt will once again be in full effect, my favorite time of year when the little fetus's who think they have what it takes to work the runway try in their A/X t shirts and express womens jeans and mary kate sunglasses...... and then trip when the uneven sidewalk catches up with their prada knockoffs.

4). Gay Fashion will once again cycle back to Swimwear and resort wear from Scarf and sweater wear.... quick recap, speedo if you've got the body, jams if you're unsure, burqua if you scare small children. I myself will be combo speedo under these shorts for the walk to the beach.

5). and as button downs become less buttoned, pants give way to shorts, and bodies become more exposed I think that the depilatory cream, razors, and wax at the CVS is going to be in higher demand.... more on that later.

Take a bow..... the Night is over....

So, the Strip clubs, Drag shows, and places where gay men go to have sex that doesn't include the bathrooms at JR's, Cobalt, or Sadlands are being forced to close to make way for the new stadium that's being built close to where I currently live (moving in may, make a note on your calendars, I will be registered at the pottery barn for housewarming....)

Anyways, the changing of the dynamic makes one get a little sentimental. Hell, I would have shed a tear had the botox not alleviated me of the ability to cry, or show much of any emotion at all. The gin takes care of the rest. It reminds me of the first time I was taken to such a strip club.

So the first time I went to a male strip club I was 19, home from college and dating at that time a guy whom I thought was awesome.... lived with his parents (strike one), in Virginia (Strike two), and went to GMU (strike three).

Anyways being brought up in an ummm....sheltered existence, I had never entertained the thought of going to such a place and didn't know what to do. So White Trash Boyfriend (WTB) informed me that on a friday night he would be taking me. I had to prepare. So I went home (I was home from college for the holidays) picked out what I would be wearing.... which turned out to be a pair of slacks and a sweater from banana republic... I had the impression that this would be a swanky joint???? and then went to the bank and took out 30 dollars all in ones. After all, I'd been to the movies, I know what's going on right?

So Friday rolls around and WTB takes me to Wet, a cornerstone of the gay stripping in DC where there's an open shower in the middle where the strippers shower and they only wear socks so you have somewhere to put the dollar bills. He takes me and with eyes wide as a 6 foot tall half asian can muster, I walked proudly on in. It wasn't like the movies............

We walk up to the bar and sit down... I only sit after putting a napkin on the bar stool. I look up and porn is blaring down at me and it's not the kissy face I love you porn, it's more of a.. "Hi here's my arm elbow deep in you" kind of porn, so I did what any proper young gentleman would do, I covered my eyes with both hands and ordered a vodka tonic which the bartender kindly gave me.

At this point the manager/owner of said establishment came over to me and my then bf, introduced himself and commented that he'd never seen me there before... I was thinking, umm DUH!!! but gave him a little french smile and introduced myself. Then the bomb dropped, the manager asked if I'd ever thought about getting on stage and dancing (I'm guessing their asian quota was low) and in retrospect I probably should have been flattered rather than horrified. I quickly averted my eyes, smiled, and said something about being in school out of town and thank you for the offer, while in my head I was screaming "WHAT THE HELL ABOUT ME SAYS STRIPPER???" (ps this was before I actually did get paid to be a go go dancer but that is neither here nor there) . Yeah he didn't get the hint till WTB had to shoo him away, at least he was good for something.

I still had $30 in ones burning a hole in my pocket so WTB grabbed my arm and took me up to one of the strippers platforms and told me to put money in his sock. Now I'm a very proud person, and I'd like to think I have good manners, so I took a moment and thought, now what's the most dignified way to do this??hmmmmmmm. So obviously I made the stripper crouch down (ps if there is one position where no man looks good naked performing, it's crouching) and I made him tell me his name, where he was from and how his day was going.... ps WTB is now sh*tting himself he's so embarassed by my breach of protocol and has left me to go back to the bar. Turns out the strippers name was Chad, he was from Colorado, and he'd come to DC to go to school and stripping afforded him somewhat tax free income, can't argue with that. So after about 4 or 5 minutes he informed me that the manager wouldn't like him talking with customers so he asked me if I wanted to meet him later for coffee or have dinner sometime.... ever been asked out by a naked man?? yeah. I declined as I was attached but appreciated the offer, again in retrospect I probably should have ditched WTB for the stripper, after all, at least the stripper was at GW.

And so the night came to a close, I bid Chad, the Manager, the Bartender and the other patrons of Wet adieu. I left, dignity intact, secure in the knoweledge that I would not be making regular appearances. Au revoir gay strip clubs/drag shows/ sketchy gay sex clubs, your sketchiness gave the rest of us that much more Klass...

DC gays of our life moments....

In honor of hump day I thought I'd share some DC gays of our life moments brought to you by Dale and the letter Q.

As I was getting my hair did yesterday along with other maintenance that remains between me and my stylist and my aesthetician, I had finished up and was taking care of the bill when a gentleman who was definitely of the ro-sexual variety came up and said "I'm here for my eyebrow appointment," and then realized that I was standing behind him....judging... as I do... and wouldn't you know it he got all flustered, whipped out his blackberry and tried to be all technological and masculine.... what was going through my head? "Whatever Mary, be proud that you're taking responsibility for that caterpillar that's crawling across your forehead."

So I had to call several bakeries to get appointments to discuss cakes for an event I'm planning for my parents anniversary, and getting a modified wedding cake in DC isn't as easy as I thought. ANYWAYS, I had not one, but two bakers ask me if this was for a wedding or comittment ceremony.... ahhh the political correctness of DC. I kinda wanted to say it was for a midget inter-racial bi-sexual polyamorous union that will be handicapped accessible, but I held my tongue... and if you've ever met me that's a feat in and of itself.

Weekend Recap...

Ok so I wasn't really in a place to blog yesterday as I was recovering from Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. I spent the entire day communing with my inner uppity white woman.... (Currently I have an inner uppity white woman, a strong black woman, and a demure asian woman) by watching Diana: Her True Story and Too Rich:The story of Doris Duke. And let me just say that Lauren Bacall can do no wrong.

Quick Recap:

Friday night, hung out with Cornelius, Taylor, and Senor Chris for a quick second, and then decided to go home and on the way stop at Juniors where I may or may not have flirted with a man who may or may not be old enough to have taught my parents in school.... why does that always happen to me. damn.

Saturday, actually had a productive day, and then had to go pick up the celly which I left at Taylor's humble abode and then made the executive decision that margaritas were a good idea. One pitcher each later and I'm heading over to Chip's apt. at the corner of disco and glitter and we had some Fresh Prince/ Will and Grace loving. From there we went out to meet two of our friends who have recently got engaged and there was much fluttering of hands and me getting teary as I'm a sucker for that crap. That night ended at 4 in the morning after bars, and myself, Chip, The two engageees, and their friend who had recently come out at an all night diner stuffing food at our faces like it was going out of style. Klass, pure Klass.

Sunday.... chilled out for most of the day and then myself and Chip were invited to an Oscars party at Mrs. Jesus apt. and we were requested to dress up as a movie that was nominated. Did we go brokeback? B*tch please, do I LOOK like a cowboy? oh no, This lady went as Geisha. Do I own the appropriate attire? you betcha. Was it fabulous?? of course. The rest of the evening was definitely fun if not a weee bit fuzzy.

Oh well.... that's why god created sick days right?

UPDATE: A Lesbian is crowned Homecoming King in Maryland.... if that's not proof positive that MD is the greatest state... I just don't know what.

Friday Five.... still Alive

This week has been hell-on-earth. It's one of those, "juggling a million balls in the air and if one falls everything goes straight to sh*t" kinda weeks. Effing sweet, also two more people at work quit so I'm dealing with their sh*tstorm... needless to say my back and shoulders are one big knot. Also this is the week that I decided to for real buck the demon nicotine, and make some very important decisions regarding my future (more to come when things are a bit more concrete). However, I refuse to start any weekend off on a sour note as one of my mantra's and one of my edicts that will be covered in my finishing school on proper social interaction is: "smile, it increases your face value" Therefore, there have been things this week that have made me happy in my feelings place.

1). Being made a fantastic meal last night and stuffing my face full of home made pasta sauces and cheeses and red wine and homemade desert that made me smile on my walk back to my habitation area last night while listening to All-American Rejects and Fallout Boy. And then ending the evening by eating an entire box of Thin Mints and watching This Movie (which watching by myself might be considered sad but whatever I'm over it)

2). Having my friends let me vent to them without responding and without judging. I know that they're all leading busy, fantastic, fabulous lives but it probably means the most when they take even 5 minutes to say "how're things lady?.. I know you're under a lot of stress and wondered if you wanted to unload for a bit... sure I'll listen to you b*tch for a while." Honestly I don't know what I'd do without them. Probably multiple homicide at this point.... probably.

3). Seeing the marines on their morning run by my house on my drive into work in the mornings... I'm sorry there's nothing about that that shouldn't make you happy in your feelings place, among other places.

4). My co-worker, with whom I now share a cube farm type of situation has been watching me take a torrential downpour of sh*t and misplaced rage (rapid turnover plus crazy boss plus I'm the only one that knows how to do a lot of things equals crazy boss getting mucho crazy up in my grill when none of it has anything to do with me) and because she wanted to make my day a little better suprised me this morning with This Book which I've tried to find at several bookstores and have been unsuccessful. I realize that me being excited over such a book makes me a middle america soccer mom but I respect the power of the casserole, and you should too.

5). The prospect of a fun Friday night, productive saturday, and crazy sunday!!!

Thursday Haiku Style

I'm having a Gaysian moment and once again I will emote through Haiku.... deal with it.

Ugly man at gym
You have snowball chance in Hell
Stop watching me stretch

Disney movie time
Only better with red wine
Mulan is the beast

Die Horrible week
You Eff'd me like the prom queen
I hope you catch crabs

Cute guy at the gym
Can't tell if you check me out
I should wear contacts

Spring is in the air
Mud season is upon us
Wait to buy new shoes

Girl Scout cookies rock
Thin mints I buy 8 boxes
You must contain crack

P.S- Guess who saw pictures of a coworker at This Establishment in the local gay rag today???? ooooooohhhh I GOT YOU B*TCH, I GOT YOU ON CANDID CAMERA!!!! (I have to give credit to all these fabulous ladies for that choice phrase)

I'm sorry.... out of the blue? what?

Ok first of all... about the DCPD that asked me out.... yeah I'm pretty sure he's still in the closet... thoughts???


For whatever reason, in the past year, I've been contacted by more people that I went to HS with than in all four years of my undergraduate career which is to say the least.... odd.

Now let me tell you a little sumthin sum'n about my HS. It was pretty much the gayest HS in life, and will only be eclipsed by Headmistress Dale's Finishing School For the Gay Male.

Members of the Wrestling team? Gay..... shocking I know, a sport where you grab guys in places you can only see with a hand mirror and 2 years of yoga and they turned out gay??? you must be kidding.

Lacrosse team? at least 2 gay guys on the lacrosse team, one of whom got a scholarship to college on his abilities on the field and one whom I saw demonstrating his abilities off the field at a corner of Nation one night.... did I call him out?? oh you bet your booty shorts.

Football team? Well for most of sophomore, junior and part of senior year I was dating the at the time captain who then proceeded to get a scholarship to Penn State and then flunk out and now works at a golf course.

Swim/Diving team? Well at least one of the captains (me) was gay and I definitely know that a couple "experimented".... boys in speedos? bound to happen. just sayin.

However, my original point is that in HS gay was a novelty.. Will and Grace had just come out, and the only other gay people in popular media were whomever was the token gay on real world and that guy on Melrose Place that never had any relationships. P.S. as soon as Will and Grace came out everybody started calling me Karen... I eclipsed Jack I guess and went right for the drunk socialite.... So I'm guessing that I keep getting these "wow haven't seen you since HS we should really hang out etc. etc. fabulous etc. etc. dupont etc. etc." because now Gay is totally the new Metro. Also.... I'm just that fabulous.