Friday, March 31, 2006

Your Mother was a Hampster and your Father smelled of Elderberries!!!

So it being friday and all the gloriousness that comes with it a little bit of an update. Wearing free polo from Snotty retail location, and since I wasn't allowed to pick the size I can't really lift my arms over my head without exposing the better part of my midsection and as much fun as it would be to show annoying co-worker my piercing and have her squeal with sad suburbanite heterosexual delight I think I'll pass.... however the shirt creates the illusion I have a chest so, I'll take it. ANYWAYS, as I was staying in the great state of Md. last night I got to thinking about how much better MD is than the dirty dirty Vag. Dirty.

1). Any State that has the term (mixing bowl) describing a series of circuitous highways that I believe are just meant to screw with whomever drives on them should be divided up into tiny parts and sold to Belgium, at least they'd have the good sense to put up a nice patisserie or something instead. PS when is there NOT traffic on the mixing bowl.... PPS I will never nor have I ever driven on said bowl, I believe it is synonymous with the 5th circle of hell, right above a Wal-mart in the dirty Vag christmas eve and right below going to a bar in Rosslyn/Clarendon.

2). Maryland has THIS LADY to represent us! (Even though I'm a washingtonian, being born and raised in maryland allows me the dual citizenship status). Who's state senator has a recipe for crab cakes on her webpage?? MINE DOES!!! Who's state senator makes David Hyde Pierce look like a giant but keeps getting re-elected??? MINE DOES.... Whose state senator looks like your creepy old uncle that wants to touch you in your no no spot??? the dirty Vag's...that's who.

3). Washington DC currently exists on land that was given by the state of MD. ORIGINALLY Va also donated land to DC and then said....ummmm no, I'm sorry I think that we'll take that land back to form endless stretches of strip malls and ugly apartment buildings that obscure the DC skyline.... cuz that's OBVY a better idea.

4). Marylands state motto is "Fatti maschii, parole femine" (Manly deeds, Womanly Words), which to me basically says.... our drag queens can kick your butt and then make crabcakes and old bay bloody mary's for dinner...... b*tches. Virginia's is "Sic Semper Tyrannis" (Thus always to tyrants).... isn't that the same thing that John Wilkes Booth said after he shot Lincoln at fords theater on land that MD graciously donated to DC who freed the slaves and ended the civil war??? Sweet Vag....I'd TOTALLY want that as my state motto....

5). Old Bay is synonymous with MD. It goes on everything from veggies, to fries, to seafood, to soups, even to drinks (old bay bloody mary is the bomb!!!) I can go all Forrest Gump here and pontificate for days about the versatility of Old Bay and all of it's glorious application. It is the bestest in life and I'm pretty sure that without it I'd be a sad sad lady seeing as how while in college every break I'd come home and have to buy it in bulk..... what? don't judge me, I from ballmer, that's how we do. What does Va have??? nothing.....that's what.


Oh, that girl. said...

As a proud resident of Southern Maryland,I love that I have rednecks near by and still only a 20 minute drive to DC or god forbid the VAG!

Cornelius said...

I came from/on/in Maryland!!! Hence my natural superiority to anyone from the vag. And where else can you find a major university with a fucking turtle as it's mascot, c'mon.

Parker Livingston said...

hmmm . . . i think you sold me. it wast the old bay bit. where in dc can you get old bay blody marys?

one major knock against maryland: the trader joes in bethesda. they don't even have beer and wine.

Carrie Broadshoulders said...

Eh, you can all jump in the Old Bay. I grew up in the Vag (though not from Northern Virginia thankfully). While I hate VAG politics, all I'm going to say in a rebuttal is Murrland has Prince Georges County. By default, the Vag wins.

In any case, I'm wise enough to not live in either of those shitholes and have moved to the Dickstricks, where the drinks are strong and the boys are easy.

Anonymous said...

Old Bay is also great on hard-boiled eggs.

Dale said...


Cornelius: so THAT's why I hang out with you...GO TESTUDO!!

Parker: I bring my own.... saves time.

Carrie: We have one county, but your entire state sucks...ENTIRE STATE

Anon: Preach it!

Carrie Broadshoulders said...

One county? Um, yeah, I don't think so. Baltimore? Howard County? Gaithersburg *puke*? Rockville? Bowie? Towson? I mean is there anything redeemable about Western MD at all? The only thing about MD I like is that you have a town named Havre de Grace. I mean there's nothing there, but I like the name. You have the bay. Big deal. Virginia has the bay too. And we have better mountains and skiing. And Charlottesville, which rocks. And Williamsburg. Okay Williamsburg is kinda boring and I'll admit we could do without Manassas and well anything west or south of Roanoke, but at least we have a Democrat for governor and not that asshole Earlick.

In summary - Maryland has crabs. And there's nothing good about having crabs.

Carrie Broadshoulders said...

Oh and by "we", I mean those people who live in Virginia. I don't pay taxes there anymore thank God.

Carrie Broadshoulders said...

Oh and we're not a state...we're a Commonwealth. Which makes us much cooler.

Dale said...

Baltimore County where I was born??? rocks. Howard County...never been don't know, Gaithersburg (first of all not a county)... don't make me beat you with a stilleto for going to town on G'burg... Montgomery County is the bomb, just because you grew up in a one room shack in bumble poo Vag don't hate on MoCo where everything is awesome and cool. Bowie, never been... Towson is close to B'more so I'm ok with it.

First of all the chesapeake bay is awesome, Virginia does not by any means HAVE the bay... Maryland obviously controls the charter on that one lady. I don't do mountains, and if you want to say "better skiing" in a mid-atlantic state then you're just kidding yourself, why don't you try Steamboat or Vail like a normal person?? oh that's right you're from the Vag.... they probably don't let you go there on account of the smelliness.

Williamsburg, I agree, if I wanted to know what it was like to live in olden times I'd watch reruns of threes company. I don't even know what a Manassas is, I think it's a made up place kind of like Iowa.

At least our governor is home grown, you got yours from kansas.... I bet his parents were brother and sister... small hands, like carnie people

PS... Commonwealth is old time speak for (Too much of a b*tch to sack up and become a state) just sayin.

Carrie Broadshoulders said...

LMAO. You bitch.

*takes off her jimmy choos*
*pulls out her earrings*
*vaselines up her face*

Bring it you piece of Murryland trash! I know you know how to get ghetto and fight, you're from Murryland.

I didn't say VAG had good skiing, but at least a mountain or two. Again, I don't do these activities, but some people do I hear.

Oh and check a map bitch, I'd say VA has the bay pretty covered. We just don't brag about it because well we're not webbed feet muckdivers who make a living on our shitty crab meat. Oh and we don't smell like fish.

Your governor is home grown. That's the issue and why he's such a fuck up.

I'll forgive your obvious misinformed viewpoint on the merits of being from Maryland because well, you're from there and don't know any better. But only because you are a smart ass bitch and I love it. I can handle that sass.

Dale said...

OH NO YOU DIDN'T!!!!! yo gonna be tore up from the floor up in a quick second@!!!

Stupid inbred HICK!!!

Meh, I think skiing is a moot point

First of all....doesn't everybody have webbed feet? second of all, the smell of crabmeat is a delicious delicious smell... and no you don't smell like fish, you smell like icky tobaccy plantation sweat. oh and inbreeding, you smell of inbreeding.

Your governor looks like he's got a touch with the downs... and he's from kansas... somebody needs to tell that dorothy there's no place like home.

And it's ok, you don't know any better, much like your inbred ancestors, your family tree looks like a ladder.... but I heart your sass and you better be out next time!!

Anonymous said...

He is definitely down with Downs.