Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Dear sir......

I've decided once again to keep up with my correspondence through blog.....

Dear Mom,
If you insist on having non-serious surgery and are in bed for the better part of three weeks please do not take your pain medicine which I'm pretty sure you chased with a merlot and then proceed to call me, call me by my sisters name, and then ask me why I haven't settled down with the right man and popped out a little adopted asian child because you aren't getting any younger. Or at the very least lets play sharesies with the percoset and the merlot!

Dear Annoying Co-worker,
I will give you points for not pinching me last Friday, however I have decided under Dales version of Sharia that you must be destroyed, one repressed emotion at a time. I will constantly bring up your insecurity about your boyfriends inability to commit (I'm sorry 3 years and no shared living space or ring? yeah I'm sorry that's a no go), your opinion that Target is a boutique location for buying footwear, and that your idea of a fun friday night is going to the local bennigans and then watching Dr. Quinn Medicine woman or something equally as banal. It's a shame for you we are close in the cube farm because I'm about to become your therapists best friend.

Dear Suprise Visitor's to the G-Spot,
I think it's great that we graduated from college together. I haven't talked to you in months and honestly have more important things to do (like coming up with fun names for my new condo, any and all suggestions are welcome) and poring through my cookbooks with the fun pictures. Your dropping by and announcing you'd be sleeping over at 11 at night isn't a fun birthday kind of suprise, it's more of a..... hey johnny I'm 16 and pregnant, guess I should have agreed to do anal when you asked me to kind of suprise.

Dear Natalie Portman,
I love you, not only for your fantastic bone structure and ability to wear kabuki makeup and a headdress that would make cher jealous, but of your ability to be a hardcore bizznatch and make this video for SNL. P.S. also thanks to Chip for sending me this video.

Dear Self,
Please stop having dorky conversations that make you sound like a pocket protector wearing, coke bottle glasses having weirdo. Conversation last night with Chip went something like.....

Dale: What sounds better, "Containment vectors of Bacillus anthracis," "Cancer modeling and treatment using non-linear mathematics," or "Rising Global Temperatures and its effects on vectors of disease transmission."

Chip: First of all, what the hell is a vector and I'm not even going to attempt non-linear mathematics

Dale: Vectors are like pathways, and non-linear mathematics is like chaos theory

Chip: Chaos what?

Dale: Fractals?

Chip: I have never seen that word in life

Dale: I'm such a dork, I have to go now and contact the chess/ AV club......

p.s. can we review how I can have almost no common sense, and say things like "Live in love, is that like live in maid?" and still not do simple algebra but can explain non-linear math theory? I'm so asian right now.


Scott said...

Dear Self:

Please make note to inquire of Dale and said crew when their next outing/happy hour may occur. It's time you train these young ones on the true form of judgement.



PS...just kidding on the judging, but let me know on the other.

aklsdjhfa said...

Let's review the science classes I took in college:

1) Biology of Dinosaurs

2) How Things Work (Physics for "non-science" majors)

3) Intro to Human Evolution

I rest my case.

Anastacia Beaverhausen said...

Hahahaha. You took a class called "How Things Work?" That's just darling to me. =)

Dale said...

Scott: Definitely... perhaps this weekend, more details to follow

Chip: oh no I embrace my geekiness. how many poli sci classes did I take in college? that would be a big fat zero.

RetroDragon said...

You didn't take any poli-sci classes and you live in DC? Is that allowed? You're unique like a snowflake.

I took astronomy and environmental "science." In astronomy, we spent a lot of time talking about our horoscopes (much to the annoyance of our highly-strung professor) and in environmental science my lab partner and I spent the entire time criticizing people's shoe choices. The best line from her? "It's lab, honey, not gym."

aklsdjhfa said...

How about "Studio Sush"

Carrie Broadshoulders said...

Oh I took "How Things Work" as well. It was known as a gut class when I was there but evidently some professor wrote a whole computer program to catch bitches using previous student's papers (the paper is like your only grade in the class) so there was a big scandal or something. I'm sorry, but if you have to cheat in How Things Work, then you deserve to be expelled.

Mr.G said...

You should check out Natalie Portman in her first movie Leon the Proffesional.

She was only thriteen or so when she made the movie but she gives an oddly sexual performance.