I've decided once again to keep up with my correspondence through blog.....
If you insist on having non-serious surgery and are in bed for the better part of three weeks please do not take your pain medicine which I'm pretty sure you chased with a merlot and then proceed to call me, call me by my sisters name, and then ask me why I haven't settled down with the right man and popped out a little adopted asian child because you aren't getting any younger. Or at the very least lets play sharesies with the percoset and the merlot!
Dear Annoying Co-worker,
I will give you points for not pinching me last Friday, however I have decided under Dales version of Sharia that you must be destroyed, one repressed emotion at a time. I will constantly bring up your insecurity about your boyfriends inability to commit (I'm sorry 3 years and no shared living space or ring? yeah I'm sorry that's a no go), your opinion that Target is a boutique location for buying footwear, and that your idea of a fun friday night is going to the local bennigans and then watching Dr. Quinn Medicine woman or something equally as banal. It's a shame for you we are close in the cube farm because I'm about to become your therapists best friend.
Dear Suprise Visitor's to the G-Spot,
I think it's great that we graduated from college together. I haven't talked to you in months and honestly have more important things to do (like coming up with fun names for my new condo, any and all suggestions are welcome) and poring through my cookbooks with the fun pictures. Your dropping by and announcing you'd be sleeping over at 11 at night isn't a fun birthday kind of suprise, it's more of a..... hey johnny I'm 16 and pregnant, guess I should have agreed to do anal when you asked me to kind of suprise.
Dear Natalie Portman,
I love you, not only for your fantastic bone structure and ability to wear kabuki makeup and a headdress that would make cher jealous, but of your ability to be a hardcore bizznatch and make this video for SNL. P.S. also thanks to Chip for sending me this video.
Please stop having dorky conversations that make you sound like a pocket protector wearing, coke bottle glasses having weirdo. Conversation last night with Chip went something like.....
Dale: What sounds better, "Containment vectors of Bacillus anthracis," "Cancer modeling and treatment using non-linear mathematics," or "Rising Global Temperatures and its effects on vectors of disease transmission."
Chip: First of all, what the hell is a vector and I'm not even going to attempt non-linear mathematics
Dale: Vectors are like pathways, and non-linear mathematics is like chaos theory
Chip: Chaos what?
Chip: I have never seen that word in life
Dale: I'm such a dork, I have to go now and contact the chess/ AV club......
p.s. can we review how I can have almost no common sense, and say things like "Live in love, is that like live in maid?" and still not do simple algebra but can explain non-linear math theory? I'm so asian right now.