Clear like a diamond encrusted B*tch slap

I lack a certain personality trait.


I lack the ability to pretend to like someone when all I want to do is to destroy them and make them cry tears of pain and suffering. Be that someone a peer, a superior, in my social, or my professional life.... I lack the ability to put on a sh*t eating grin, smile and say, "oh of course (insert dumba$$ name here) that's a great idea!! I value and appreciate your opinion/input on (insert issue that I either disagree strongly with you on or couldn't care less about).

While I was living in London I had four roomates, in a two bedroom apartment. Needless to say things got cozy from time to time. Anyways three of these were girls, girls whose lives revolved around shopping, bars, and boys, on paper we should have been best friends but time and time again I realized that there are inherent differences between girls and boys that extend beyond different genitalia, and I had MUCH more in common with my rugby playing, no shower taking, laundry every other week doing roomate (we shared one of the bedrooms, I call him boo boo, sometimes we spooned, it was great)

Anyways one evening the straw finally broke the effing camels back. The three harpies were in the kitchen trash talking rando's in the same program we were doing, which I didn't really care about b.cuz a lot of what they were saying was right. However, then they got on this one girl for not knowing what Louis Vuitton was or something along those lines. Normally this isn't something I care too much about but this girl is honestly the nicest person in life, I once told her jokingly I could hear her blow dryer in the morning and I didn't have to set my alarm anymore...... she stopped using the blowdryer in the morning for 6 months. After telling them that even though Nice Girl didn't know about the joys of Louis V it wasn't like any of their broke selves could afford it so really what was the diff? They didn't like that.

They had to be destroyed.

So.... in true Dale fashion I do what I always do... psychological destruction, the effects are much more observable and longer lasting than physical harm.... hmmmm let's see, what do spoiled college girls have the biggest issues about..... grades? no..... clothes? maybe..... body image issues?? DING DING DING DING!!

That heralded the start of my, sitting in the living room always shirtless eating nutella straight out of the jar and chasing it with a Guiness exclaiming how fat I felt and I hope the Pilates for Ballet dancers class I was taking would be suitable to get rid of all the nastiness I was putting into my body. For those of you that have had the good fortune to see me you know that I make Kate Moss look like Sally Struthers, my nickname on the swim team in college was "the turtle" because everyone said I looked like a turtle sans shell.

*Did it work?* let me just say that after about two weeks of that the only thing left in their fridge was grapes and bottled water

we had a boys fridge that was always full of (insert boy food in the form of beer, random condiments, and leftover pasta+sauce+chicken, and brocolli)

If someone can help me suffer fools gladly I'm sure people would like me better.... but then again... I'm over it.