So this upcoming weekend I'm fleeing the Rain-soaked Washington Area and going to a nice skiing weekend in NH via the Manch-vegas airport. Now I CAN ski but I am going to choose not to this weekend as I don't feel like ice-ing my knees and that will really cut into my drinking time of which apparently the plan is to go on a 3 day bender the likes of which are only spoken of in hushed tones outside of lambda rising on weeknights (if you know what I'm talking about kudos!!!). I hope that A) I don't do/say anything embarassing B). other people do and being armed with my digi cam I can record it for posterity/blackmail. HOWEVER, in the past I have been known to do quite embarassing things drunk which include:
1). At Chips birthday celebration I not only danced on a pole in shorts that would be tight on a 12 year old, I gave a tutorial to other drunkards on the intricacies of dancing on a pole...... needless to say unfortunately I didn't explain myself well enough as some of the participants bruised themselves from several of the "demonstrations" I gave which they then tried to duplicate.
2). In college, insisting on being carried home by my straight boyfriends from the football team when we'd get sh*t-faced off campus and I didn't feel like walking. It was a pretty common sight to see me being slung over the shoulder of guys that could bench-press fridges just because I could. *covers face from shame*
3). While visiting NYC to see my favorite straight boyfriend and the only person who can peer pressure me into dropping over 5G's in an hour just because we were bored.... we got drunk at a bar called the park, I ended up striking up a conversation with a girl at the bar, discussing her recent boob job, me feeling her boobs AT THE BAR and giving my opinion, and then her bf who was right next to her buying me a drink because he found the situation so amusing....
4). One time Saks was giving out martinis and I was having a "I'm having a crappy day so I want something pretty" moment and of course I had like 3 of those bad boys while perusing the stock. What did I walk out of there with?? yes you guessed it, a gucci fanny pack a la Sex and the City Sarah Jessica Parker fame. Thankfully I was dining at Cheesecake Factory and sobered up (on Gin and Tonics) enough to realize my erroneous purchase which I summarily brought back and returned.
5). While having a "wine night" with my friend from back in the day, I was also in the process of moving my crap from the rents house to I guess my first apt. which was unfortunately in the Vag, I was trying to show her something and fell into the box, and it was a pretty big box.... took me more than a minute to figure out how to get out of said box and in the meantime she had taken pictures of me A$$ up in my lifeguard suit (hadn't changed from work) and flip flops yelling at her to come help me..... damn B*tch.
Hope everyone has a great MLK weekend, I have to take monday off as my company sucks donkeys and doesn't recognize this very important holiday. As I was quoted in my college paper on MLK day:
"On this day MLK had a dream about equality, (Dale) had a dream about cowboys"
.... not meant to be disrespectful, the article was about me making my straight bf's take a dance class with me.
4 comments:
Did you realise that 102% this post is about your legs.
Please note, this post contains issues about your legs...
*Being soothed with ice.
*Attracting attention with a pole
*Not working due to obstinate drunkeness
*Holding up a Gucci example of poor decision making
*In the air and flailing wildly.
Your legs must be fricken fierce.
Rhinestone Cowgirl is having issues with her tootsies as well.
What's up with DC and citizens' Nether-Regions?
JP: ha ha ha, I'm 6'3" and a good 2/3 of me is legs... Glad to hear you're not hurt from your automotive interlude!! ps Gin and Tonics fix evvvvverything.
*and it wasn't so much attracting attention on the pole, it's the whole ex-gymnast gumby thing that I think was the more notable*
Saks is wicked like that. I was in Houston last year for work at some point and decided to drop by the Galleria for some perusing. They were serving mojitos on the main floor with a DJ playing downtempo music a-la W Hotel. Fab, and since mojitos are one of my favs, I had three before I realized that I needed to get the hell out of there before I bought some $500 shoes that I couldn't afford.
It's hard enough to get me out of Saks without spending too much money. Add booze to it, and I'd have to take up hooking just to make ends meet. (Get it? "Ends meet?" Funny son of a bitch, I am.)
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